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  1. #1
    Dragon Trainer Donyor's Avatar
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    Feb 2012
    Pallet Town

    Talking Pokémon Warriors

    This is a story I wrote. Tell me what you think of it. Most moves can be legally learned by the pokémon using them.

    Featured Characters

    The Gang: Daniel Manili, age 11; Faith Manili, age 8; Timothy Cha, age 13; Sara Cha, age 11; Josh Cha, age 9; Faith Cha, age 8; Jon Sim, age 12; Autumn Sim, age 8; Hudson Sim, age 6; Aspen Haha, age 9; Noel Sanos, age 15; Cedric Wang, age 13; Chadwick Wang, age 9.

    The Professor: Professor Mango

    Team Dark: Leader Karim; Commander Rasha; Commander Howely; Commander Nita.

    If you are confused by anything in this book, I suggest looking it up at Congratulations! or bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net

    The Pokémon Warriors Part 1
    The Beginning of the Adventure

    Hi. I’m Nobody. I have clear eyes and clear hair. I’m from Airastan, and I’m a Nobodyian. I’ll be telling this prologue.
    In a town called Almaty in a country called Kazakhstan in the continent of Asia, some kids we’re having a huge party. It was the birthday of Faith Cha. All the boys were downstairs playing Pokémon and the girls were upstairs playing The Princess and the Prince. Hudson, the youngest kid and the only boy not downstairs, was they’re prince. The boys all had some toy Pokémon balls, and they were all playing happily when Daniel noticed a purple wind outside.
    “Hey, that looks like the pokémon move Omnious Wind! Wonder what it is?” Daniel said.
    Then they heard a scream from upstairs. The girls and Hudson came running down the stairs, screaming.
    “What’s going on?” asked Tim.
    “There was this hu-u-ge creature and i-t broke thr-ough the ceil-ing,” stammered Aspen.
    Cedric asked, “What does it look like?”
    “It had ghostly wings and a kinda snake like body,” answered Faith M
    “Sounds like Giratina,” Dan said.
    “Let’s go see!” yelled Josh.
    “No, wait; let’s see what the others say,” replied Chadwick.
    Then they all heard a noise from the kitchen and Sharon screaming. She ran out and asked, “What is a fire monkey doing in my kitchen?”
    “Sounds like Chimchar to me,” said Josh
    “Ok,” said Noel, “let’s split in two partys. Jon, you take Hudson, Dan, and the girls upstairs. The rest of you come with me.”
    Upstairs, Faith M immediately saw a Pikachu nosing a pokémon ball. Faith M noticed that it was a real pokéball, and the Pikachu activated the pokéball and caught itself! It was so surprised it didn’t have time to save itself.
    “Hahaha,” laughed Faith M. “Did you see that?”
    “Yep, I did,” laughed Dan.
    “She was so funny,” said Aspen.
    “What will you name her?” asked Faith C.
    “I’ll name it Zappy,” decided Faith.
    Aspen found a Persian that she managed to catch, and Faith C found her favorite Pokémon: Squirtle! Sara caught a Bellosom when it put her to sleep. Sara dropped her pokéball, and it activated when it hit Bellosom. The Bellosom was so surprised it just got caught.
    “Ha-ha” laughed Jon. “That was so fun. Hey, cool! A Ditto!” He then caught the Ditto.
    Autumn grabbed a Growlithe real quick. “Now your mine,” she said to the Growlithe. “You’ll do as I wish!”
    Daniel finally found what he wanted: a Charmander. Downstairs, there really was a Chimchar in the stove, but with it was a Cyndaquil, which Tim caught. Noel found a Starvia, and Josh found a Piplup he liked. Then Cedric caught a Bulbasar while Chadwick found Totodile.
    “What about me?” Hudson asked.
    “Maybe Autumn or Jon will have one and share it with you,” replied Tim.
    “If not I’ll give you mine,” Cedric offered.
    “Thanks,” Hudson said. When the two parties met they had to decide what to do with their newly-found Pokémon.
    “So, what should we do?” asked Sara
    “Do we battle each other?” asked Dan
    “Why don’t we just go outside and see what’s going on?” They all agreed that was a good idea, and when they got outside, what a sight met their eyes!

    Chapter 1: The Beginning

    After getting our Pokémon, we went outside, and what a sight met our eyes! Pokémon were everywhere, and we actually had to battle our way to the gate.
    I suppose you wonder who I am. Well, my name is Daniel, but you can call me Dan. I’m American. I’m pretty short for the age of 12 with short hair and brown eyes. Now, back to the story.
    When we finally got to the gate and looked outside, all the Pokémon rushed out so fast, we were knocked down. (You wonder who “we” is? Look at the Beginning). Outside, Pokémon were running everywhere, trying to get out of town.
    “Well, this is kinda weird,” Faith M, said.
    “I know,” Faith C, replied.
    “What should we do?” asked Hudson.
    “Who’s that?” I asked, for there was this guy in a white suit.
    “Ah,” he said. “You are the first people that I have met that understand me and who I understand.”
    “Um, who are you?” asked Josh.
    “Well, my name is Professor O’Malley; Thomas O’Malley. Why’d you ask?” he inquired.
    “I asked because you look a lot like a Pokémon professor.”
    “That’s probably because I am.”
    “Cool,” said Cedric. “Are you related to Professor Oak in any way?”
    “Unfortunately no, but I’m Professor Rowan’s nephew,” Professor O’Malley answered.
    “Well, since you’re a Pokémon expert, what do you suggest we do?” I asked.
    “Why don’t you look around for those pesky grunts?”
    “Grunts?” Jon questioned, confused.
    “Yes; grunts. They came here with me as well as 20 nice trainers. I suppose the Grunts will start some Team Galactic thing,”
    “So what do you suggest we do?” Faith M asked.
    “Why don’t you go and get some more Pokémon?” the Professor said thoughtfully.
    “But we don’t have any poke balls,” Josh said gloomily, scratching the hard ground with the tip of his blue sneakers.
    “Well, that’s fine because I have enough to give you 10 each,” he said happily.
    “Cool,” I replied.
    Then, out of nowhere, we all heard a voice say, “Ha ha ha; our first trainers to prey on.”

    There is more coming!
    Last edited by Donyor; 21st February 2012 at 07:29 AM. Reason: Making it a Cliff-hanger

  2. #2
    Dragon Trainer Donyor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Pallet Town

    Default Re: Pokémon Warriors

    Tell me what you think of this?


  3. #3
    Me am stalking bug Instrutilus's Avatar
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    Dec 2009
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    Default Re: Pokémon Warriors

    You need to work on paragraphs: you can't just have line after line of dialogue, it hurts some eyes and disuades the read. And extend the chapter length, half a page isn't going to grab attention to itself.

    As for the story, I can't quite say, the massively compiled text just made me get disintereted after "I've clear eyes and clear hair." Speaking of which, what do you mean by that? I honestly have no clue what you mean by clear :.

  4. #4
    sink. an illegible mess.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Warriors

    whoa man, space the paragraphs, that's the first thing to do here.

    second of all... where's the description? it's way too choppy and doesn't flow well. and please, don't start with "i'm nobody and i'll be telling you this story." it's a very childish start and usually doesn't work. there are many other ways to start a one-person narrative tale that are better than how you used it.

    it's apparent that "nobody" is a fake narrator and does not appear in the story. instead of saying that, shouldn't you just go along with a third-person narrative? you don't have to describe a narrator. have you ever read a story that described the narrator? exactly. it's not right.

    i don't even know what the characters look like besides daniel, and he had a very vague description about him.

    and as for the plot... it's chaotic. the prologue and the first chapter are better tied together and not separate. your prologue doesn't cut what a prologue is supposed to be and it would widen the chapter if you combined the two. now, on to the plot, it's messy and all over the place. i honestly have no clue what's going on besides a group of kids in kazakhstan suddenly receive pokemon. where did they come from? how did the ominous wind attack happen? isn't it weird how the characters don't seem to notice that video game monsters are turning up in reality? instead of going on an adventure, shouldn't they be trying to find out what the heck happened? seriously, it's unrealistic.

    that's all i'm going to comment on this story for now... your grammar is ok, but there were some mess-ups here and there; they shouldn't be too hard to spot and correct.

    this needs a lot of revision and over thought to continue.


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