TEEN: A Pokémon Story

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Thread: A Pokémon Story

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    Default A Pokémon Story

    So here it is, after much anticipation (the vast majority of which most likely comes from yours truly), my new fan fiction. I'm not really playing by all of the traditional rules here, but I hope you'll find it familiar nonetheless. Thanks for dropping in, and I hope you enjoy the story! (Rated Teen for fantasy violence)

    Chapter 1: Taking Flight

    The ocean rolled lazily in the distance, purring like a sleepy Persian. The golden disc of the sun had risen high into the sky and was still rising higher yet. A very light, salty breeze caressed the gentle hills and the town nestled among them. This was the vista over which a girl looked, as she took a deep breath of the fresh air and her pure white hair danced around her head. The similarly-colored sprite that stood next to her cooed, and she smiled and looked down at it.

    “Yup, that's Baytown, all right!” the girl, Thalia, said. “We finally made it, Togetic.”

    Togetic flapped its wings, lifting off from the ground, and nuzzled the side of her face. Thalia put one arm around her partner and let out a sigh of relief. “Now I just hope there's something here for me.”

    Down in the town, she passed many people working and playing side-by-side with their Pokémon partners: a farmer with his Slowpoke, a child and his Pikachu playing tag with others, a carriage driver waiting for passengers with his Tauros, among many others.

    “I've hardly seen this many people before,” Thalia said, reflexively feeling for the triangular blue clip that held her hair out of her eyes. “But there's gotta be work here, right?”

    Togetic chirped in reply, eliciting a smile from Thalia. “Yeah,” she said. “You're right.”

    She looked around, taking in the cobblestone streets, the quaint little merchant stalls set up along the sides of the street, and several storefronts set up on the ground floors of a handful of buildings. She would find work here, she reassured herself. She'd find a place to stay in town, or maybe on the outskirts.

    She began by speaking to a rather rotund man in one of the many merchant stalls. “No work here, I'm afraid. You'll have to ask around,” he said, in a rather flat tone.

    “Oh,” Thalia said, frowning. “Well, do you know of anyone else in town hiring?”

    The man shook his head. “Not a lot of work right now. Tourists have been pretty scarce the past few weeks. You're the first new face in town I've seen in a while.”

    “Oh. Well, thanks anyway!” Thalia said, forcing a smile. She waved politely and walked away, letting her head droop to her chest as she did.

    It proceeded similarly several more times. Some of the merchants and farmers wished her luck in her search, which she was grateful for, but others almost ignored her entirely, acting as if she was nothing more than an annoyance.

    “Who would've thought?” she muttered to herself. “Such a huge place, and nobody's hiring...” She sighed, her arms hanging down by her sides, shuffling along down a path. Her body was heavy, like all the energy had been drained from her it.

    Togetic cooed to her, and she looked down at him and smiled weakly. “Sorry, Togetic, I just need to find a place to sit down for a little bit.”

    And so she did, after what seemed like hours of walking, but was probably only a few minutes. A few blocks away, in fact, she found several wooden benches arranged around a fountain, which was currently full of foul-smelling, stagnant water. One of them was unoccupied, so she sat, planting herself firmly in the seat. Togetic hopped up onto the bench next to her.

    And that, of course, was when she was thrown off the bench and onto the ground, with a very heavy... something... on her back. “Oh, sorry,” someone said. “I didn't mean to bump into you.”

    “Owwww...” was all Thalia could say in reply. Then she felt the weight leave her back, and the next thing she knew, she was being picked up and placed back on her feet.

    “Here, eat this,” the voice said, and she found a round yellow fruit with pink polka-dots in her hand. She shrugged, not really knowing what else to do, and took a bite.

    Almost immediately, she could feel her energy coming back as the flavors of the fruit poured down her throat. She took another bite, and another, until the entire thing was gone. She let out a satisfied sigh, and stretched her back and her arms.

    “Thanks,” she said, looking up to find a boy about her age standing there next to her. He had messy black hair and green eyes, and a crazy half-grin on his face. His magenta shirt and green cargo shorts seemed like an odd combination, until she saw the Grovyle standing next to him. She noticed that they both had a stalk of wheat hanging from their mouths.

    “You're the one who gave me this, right?” She said, holding out the remains of the fruit.

    “Yeah, it's a-” he began, only to be cut off by a swift and powerful right hook to the side of his face. He fell sideways, collapsing against the edge of the fountain. His Grovyle laughed.

    Almost instantly, he was back on his feet. “Hey! What'd you do that for!?” he said, frowning.

    “For running into me, you idiot!” Thalia shouted back.

    Suddenly, the boy regained his composure and began to dust off his shirt. “I said I was sorry, didn't I? I even gave you a Persim Berry to make up for it. Sheesh, what is it with city people?”

    “Oh, whatever,” Thalia said, crossing her arms. “Thanks for the berry, though.”

    “Oh yeah, no pro- Wait, you smell different than everyone else. You're not from around here, are you?” the boy said, leaning in close.

    Thalia took a few steps back from him. “What do you mean? You can smell where I'm from?” she said, eyes wide.

    “Uh, yeah, can't everyone? You smell more like the woods than the sea, though. Did you come from the mountains?” the boy asked, still leaning forward. Thalia noticed Grovyle was staring at her as well.

    “Yeah...” Thalia said. “It's a long story...”

    “Oh, well I don't really have time for long stories,” the boy said. “I'm supposed to find someone here and I haven't found him yet.”

    Thalia knew she probably shouldn't ask, but she couldn't help herself. “Who are you looking for?”

    The boy just shrugged. Thalia quickly brought the palm of her hand to her face.

    “You don't know who you're looking for?”

    The boy shook his head. “No, I know who I'm looking for. He's a wanted fugitive named Ignacio Perry, but I dunno what he's calling himself right now. Or what he looks like.”

    Thalia squinted her eyes. “You're going after this guy... but you don't even know what he looks like? What are you, a rookie cop?”

    “Nope,” the boy answered, folding his arms behind his head and looking up at the clouds as they passed overhead. “The police just hired us.”

    “So... you're a cop,” Thalia insisted.

    “No, it's a training exercise. The police said they couldn't get him themselves, so my master sent me to deal with this guy,” the boy answered, still staring vacantly at the sky.

    Thalia raised one eyebrow. “Who are you, anyway?”

    “My name's Morri. Grovyle's my partner,” the boy answered.

    “Okay,” Thalia said, shifting her feet around. “So you're, like, a mercenary?”

    “Nope,” Morri said.

    “Then what are you?”

    “I'm a boy.”

    “You're impossible,” Thalia said, frowning.

    “No, I'm Morri, and I'm a boy,” Morri said, crossing his arms. “Who are you?”

    “I'm Thalia, and this is my partner, Togetic,” Thalia said, pointing to her partner, who was still watching the conversation. “Look, it was nice meeting you, but I'm sure you're in a hurry, and I know I'm in a hurry.”

    “I'm not in a hurry,” Morri said, looking inquisitively back at Thalia.

    “I... uh, okay. Anyways, I'm trying to find a job, and-”

    “A job? What for?” Morri said, frowning.

    “Uh, so I can eat and have a place to live,” Thalia answered, stone-faced.

    “That's pretty lame. You should totally come with me!” Morri said, his crazy half-grin reappearing on his face.

    “Do you know someone in this town who's hiring?” Thalia asked, perking up once again.

    “Nope,” Morri said. “But if you need a place to stay and food to eat, I got you covered!”

    Thalia's elation turned into deflation as she drooped again. “Oh... Sorry, but I have to refuse. I'm looking for a life that's a little less... unstable.”

    Morri shrugged. “Hey, if you wanna live some boring old regular life, that's fine by me...”

    Thalia balled her fists up, and began to reply when she realized Morri had turned around and was walking away. The leaves hanging from Grovyle's body fluttered in the breeze as it followed its human partner.

    Thalia put her hands on her hips and stared after them. “Well, that was weird,” she said. Togetic chirped in reply.

    *****


    Thalia's stomach growled with impotent rage. She groaned and folded her arms over her midsection and grimaced. Togetic looked up at her and cooed.

    “Oh hush,” she said, shifting slightly in her seat. She was sitting in a wooden chair in front of a pub. Through the open door, she could hear the chatter of the diners and the clink of silverware, and, as much as she hated it, she could smell the tantalizing fragrance of grilling vegetables.

    “You don't actually think I should've gone with that guy, do you?” Thalia said.

    Togetic nodded.

    “That's totally crazy, Togetic,” Thalia said. “That guy's totally crazy.”

    Togetic chirped.

    “I know beggars can't be choosers, but I don't wanna wind up on some psycho's hit list because I've been seen around some bounty hunter,” Thalia said.

    Togetic rolled his eyes.

    Thalia's stomach growled again. “I'm so hungry...”

    Togetic responded by whistling the first few notes of a song, and nudged Thalia's leg with his wing.

    She hesitated. “I really hate to do this, but I guess you're right. Maybe someone will spare a few coins.” She shut her eyes and concentrated on translating the music Togetic had conjured in her brain into notes flowing from her lips.

    There were no words to this song, but the deep, mournful tone of Thalia's voice communicated the emotions and meaning behind it far better than any words ever could. Thalia could hear the footsteps of people slowing as they passed her, enchanted by the hauntingly beautiful dirge. It was almost as if Thalia's voice was the wind, sweeping over the heart-wrenching sight of a once-pristine forest now in ashes. As the song wound down to its end, it took on an almost sinister edge until the final note rang out.

    Thalia opened her eyes to see a man standing before her, clapping as his long black cloak billowed in the wind. He gave her a warm smile, and extended one gloved hand to her. She took it, and he pulled her to her feet.

    “That was absolutely magnificent,” the man said, bowing and kissing her hand.

    “Thank you,” Thalia said, looking confusedly down at the man.

    “My name is Markus Vici, and I am a traveling magician. This is my partner, Houndoom,” the man said, as his partner stepped around the edge of his cloak. “Now, my lady, may I have the honor of knowing yours?”

    Thalia blushed. “I'm Thalia.” She looked down at Togetic, who was staring curiously at Markus's Houndoom. “And this is Togetic. It's very nice to meet you.”

    “The pleasure is all mine, Miss Thalia,” Markus said. “Might I buy you a meal? I would very much like to discuss potential employment opportunities with you.”

    “Really?” Thalia said, her eyes widening with her excitement. She clenched her fists together in front of her chest, barely able to contain herself.

    “Of course! What is a magician without his lovely assistant?” Markus said, gesturing toward the entrance of the pub. Thalia gladly followed Markus through the open doorway.

    Inside, the aroma of sizzling fruits and vegetables was even more powerful, and there was a slight hint of fermenting barley on the air as well. The two sat at a table, and very soon, two plates of seared vegetables were set on the table. Two plates of similarly-prepared berries were placed next to them, for Houndoom and Togetic.

    As the two Pokémon, plus Thalia, eagerly dug into their meals, Markus began to recount his tale.

    “It all started, my dear, in a city far to the north. I was a young lad, living on the outskirts of town with my father, who was a lumberjack. He, of course, expected me to take up his place when the time came; I, however, was fascinated by the arcane. The tales of Darkrai the Trickster were always my favorites of all the bedtime stories my mother would tell me before she passed. These stories inspired me to become an illusionist, using my wits to make people happy. Father, of course, didn't approve.

    “So when I bonded with a stray Houndour puppy, rather than one of the family Farfetch'd, he disowned me. I was fortunate enough that my mother's sister took me in as her own, as her only child had been stillborn. There, in the city, I impressed many with my feats, and even gained the companionship of a beautiful girl like yourself, though others grew envious of my popularity and profaned my name. One day, however, one of these bullies demanded to be used in one of my more elaborate setups, in order to see the trick up close and decry me as a fraud. There was a terrible accident, though. It was horrible. A trap door had failed to open, and the poor boy was burned to death by Houndour's flames.

    “That was the last day anyone in the city asked to see me perform. They had all developed an irrational fear of me and my work, when I had done nothing malicious. It was simply a terribly unfortunate malfunction. I assured people over and over again that I'd checked and re-checked all of my equipment every day after that, to make sure it was all in good shape, but nobody trusted me.” Markus was becoming visibly upset. His face was flushed, and sweat was forming on his brow.

    “Nobody trusted me, not even Nina, my assistant. She was gorgeous. Blonde hair, blue eyes, luscious lips, you know how it goes. One day, she came to visit me at my residence, for the first time in several days. She wanted so badly to understand, but she just couldn't comprehend what I was telling her. She had so much trouble trying to believe that everything had been an accident. She said so many people told her that I rigged the trapdoor to fail, so that the boy would be roasted alive, that I did it out of anger.” He sighed. “I won't deny some poetic justice in the accident, but it was still just that- an accident.” Markus was now holding his head in his hands, his formerly neat black hair now bunched between his fingers. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked like he might start crying. “You believe me, don't you?”

    Thalia couldn't help but feel an almost overwhelming urge to just hug the poor guy. “Of course, Markus,” she said, patting him on the shoulder.

    “Thank you. That's not even the worst of it, though. I told Nina it was an accident. I tried to convince her, but she just started crying and shaking her head. I told her she needed to sit down, but she refused. She was so upset, she didn't even notice Houndour lying on the floor behind her. She tripped, and fell right onto one of the swords I used to practice swallowing.” He stopped, with tears now rolling down his cheeks.

    “Oh, you poor thing,” Thalia said. Togetic cooed in agreement.

    “I knew everyone would blame it on me. The boy's death had been bad enough, but if I was still around when Nina's body was discovered, they'd have my head. So I packed up my bags and ran. I've been traveling ever since.”

    “That's so sad,” Thalia said. She looked over this pathetic figure again. He was actually smaller-framed than he had appeared outside, and there were dark bags under his eyes.

    “Thank you for your kindness,” Markus said. “I'm so undeserving.”

    “Not at all,” Thalia said, giving Markus a reassuring smile. “What can I do to help?”

    *****


    Later that afternoon, Markus took Thalia to a spot he'd picked out in town for his next performance, which he planned to start soon. The two humans and their Pokémon partners worked for the good part of an hour, setting up tall wooden beams that held torches, a rack of swords and spears that Markus had procured for his sword-swallowing act, and a large wooden sign that read “Markus the Magnificent” in swirling purple letters.

    After the setup had been taken care of, Markus stood proudly in front of the makeshift stage, and called to the passersby, “Come one, come all! Come see Markus the Magnificent in a one-time-only show! The cost is a mere Silver piece! Come see as he and his beautiful assistant, Miss Thalia, perform feats that defy all logic!”

    A small crowd was gathering in front of Markus, and there was a low growl of murmurs amongst the people. Markus looked back at Thalia, who was standing under the sign, and smiled, though Thalia could see the nervousness in his eyes.

    “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to the greatest show on Earth! It is my pleasure to introduce to you all my lovely assistant, the beautiful Thalia,” Markus said, gesturing toward her. “It is also my pleasure to host such a large crowd this wonderful evening! From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for coming!”

    The murmur of the crowd was growing louder. Their voices were a dull hum, and steadily growing louder. A voice rang out above the crowd, “I've heard of you! Everywhere you go, death follows! You pick up new assistants in every town you visit, and they always die in stage accidents!”

    Thalia's eyes widened and her smile dropped into slack-jawed shock. The crowd's hum grew to a roar, as the people began to jeer.

    “Wait! You've got it all wrong!” Markus pleaded. Thalia could feel overwhelming pity gnawing at her heart, but she couldn't stave off the feeling that the woman who had spoken up was telling the truth. She could feel her heartbeat rising. “No, no, please!” Markus cried.

    He turned and began walking back toward Thalia. His eyes were red again, and he was visibly shaking. Thalia could feel her heart racing now, pounding in her ears.“I'm sorry, I don't know what to do,” he said. “But I'll prove to them that I've fixed everything. I've perfected my act. Now listen carefully to my instructions, Thalia. I promise there won't be another accident this time.” He reached out and grabbed a sword, inspecting it and wiping some dirt off the blade with his cloak. He looked at Thalia expectantly. Togetic stepped in front of Thalia, holding his arms out to his sides in a protective stance.

    “There never has been an accident, has there?”

    Markus, Thalia, and Togetic all looked over at the source of the voice, but Markus was quickly overcome by a powerful punch to the face. He dropped the sword in shock, and found his attacker: a boy with messy black hair and green eyes, wearing a magenta shirt and green cargo shorts.

    “You!” Thalia gasped.

    “Oh, hey Thalia!” Morri said, grinning and waving.

    “You vermin! Houndoom!” Markus shouted. Houndoom was instantly at its masters side, head low, lips curled back in a snarl. Smoke was on its breath.

    “No, my name's Morri, and I've been looking for you, Ignacio Perry,” Morri replied, pointing at Markus. Grovyle took a defensive stance in front of Morri.

    “I don't know what you're talking about,” Markus hissed.

    The crowd of people were backing away from the confrontation, and for good reason, as Houndoom unleashed a wall of flames from its mouth. Morri and Grovyle moved faster than Thalia's eyes could track, dodging around the attack's range with plenty of time to spare.

    “A battle, huh? That's great! I haven't had a real workout in weeks!” Morri said. Almost immediately, Grovyle leapt into the air, and came down hard on Houndoom's shoulders with a Pound attack, all before Houndoom had even finished firing off its first attack.

    “Oh wow,” Thalia said. Togetic cooed in agreement.

    Houndoom snarled, and chomped at Grovyle, who just managed to dart back, out of the way, and began dancing back and forth, slapping Houndoom across the face with the leaves hanging from his elbows.

    “Houndoom, stop fooling around and fry that lizard!” Markus said, with rage plain on his face.

    Houndoom's head jerked backwards and then forwards as it belched forth a jet of fire. Grovyle launched itself into the air, over the stream, and stomped Houndoom's head into the ground, slamming its jaws shut around the Flamethrower attack. Grovyle jumped back away from Houndoom as it swiped at him with a foreleg.

    Houndoom clambered back to its feet, shook its head, and opened its mouth, where a visible ball of flame began to form and grow. The ball shot from Houndoom's gaping jaws and spread out into a five-limbed figure. Grovyle lunged straight at it, passing between the figure's bottom legs, and came out right in front of Houndoom, landing an uppercut to the jaw that tossed the fire-type back onto its backside.

    Houndoom climbed back to its feet, but before it could attack again, Grovyle grabbed one of its horns, and lifted, flipping Houndoom over his shoulder. Houndoom hit the ground hard on its back.

    Markus screamed in frustration and grabbed his sword from the ground.

    “Oh no,” Thalia said. “Togetic, use Trick and steal that sword away!” Togetic chirped and hopped into the air.

    Before Togetic could even get close, however, Grovyle looked back at Morri, and the two nodded to each other. Markus kicked Houndoom aside, causing it to yelp in pain, and Grovyle darted forward and barrel-rolled, leaves glowing and slicing through the sword, straight into Markus's chest. The sword shattered into several clean pieces as it fell from Markus's hand, and Markus fell onto his back.

    “And that's the power of Leaf Blade,” Morri said, giving the v-for-victory sign.

    Grovyle, standing on Markus's chest, gave Morri that same crazy half-grin Morri had given Thalia earlier that day, and Morri mirrored it and gave his partner a thumbs-up as well. Houndoom whined, and began to lick its master's face, much to Markus's apparent chagrin.

    “So, Thalia, have you been holding some sort of idiot-ball all day or what?” Morri said, frowning.

    Thalia raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

    “Well, yeah. I'm surprised you didn't figure it out yourself earlier. I mean, that's how these things go, right? The pretty girl meets a mysterious stranger, he tells her his tragic past, she agrees to help him, and then he tries to kill her,” Morri said.

    “Wait, how did you-”

    “Seen it all before,” Morri interrupted, shrugging his shoulders. Thalia tried hard to ignore Grovyle's laughing. Togetic fluttered back to Thalia's side.

    “Whatever,” Thalia said, sighing. “I'm just ready to get out of this place.”

    A police officer in a blue suit came up to Morri. “You're the one who subdued this man?”

    Morri grinned, putting his hands on his hips and puffing out his chest. “Yup. Me and Grovyle, anyway.”

    “His appearance matches our portrait of Ignacio Perry, the young man wanted for the murder of Nina Smith and David Hughes in North City,” the officer said.

    “I didn't murder them!” Markus cried, his voice cracking. “I didn't mean to...” With that, the pitiful man burst into tears.

    The officer shook his head. “Sad. I heard Perry was always a bright boy. Thank you for your help, Mr....”

    “Oh, I don't have a last name. You can just call me Morri. My master sent me here to stop him,” Morri said.

    “I see,” the officer said. He held up a small burlap bag tied with a thin brown rope and placed it in Morri's hand. “Well, Morri, here's the bounty. 500 gold pieces.”

    “Five hundred Gold!?” Thalia almost shrieked.

    Togetic looked up at her, and chirped. “You hush. I am not getting all up in a tizzy.” Togetic rolled his eyes, which Thalia mimicked.

    “All right, Thalia, let's go!” Morri said, rushing up to her and grabbing her by the hand and then running off faster than Thalia thought was possible. He still had that crazy half-grin on his face.

    “Wait a minute! Morri, where are you taking me!?” Thalia cried, as Togetic tried his hardest to keep up.

    “To Master Solon's place, of course!” Morri said. Grovyle bounded ahead.

    “Wait, I never agreed to that!”

    “You didn't have to! I saw it in your face! Besides, that's how stories like this start, right!?”

  2. #2
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Pokémon Story

    A good start! the battle was well done, and you incorporated a pokémon vs human scenario quite well in my opinion. Thalia seems like a well thought out character, as does Morri, though we'll find out more about him upon meeting his "Master".

    On another note, i wasn't quite sure about how you introduced Markus. Whilst the backstory was good, i think it could have been implemented a little smoother rather than being laid out in a several paragraph speech. It also didn't really fit in with Thalia's earlier characterization very well, as she seemed quite cynical of Morri, so why wouldn't she be of a magician? Just my thoughts on that, as it may have been better if Markus hadn't just told her all that but rather it come out when he was confronted by the crowd and eventually Morri.



    Good luck and i look forward to seeing where this goes!

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    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Pokémon Story

    Thanks!

    My thing about Thalia being suspicious of Morri, but not Markus, was that, well, Markus didn't crash into her, and he isn't totally weird (on the surface anyway :P), so it was the difference in first impressions that did it. But I definitely understand that, as the reader, you're coming from a different place than I am, so I'm definitely glad you pointed that out.

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    The small giant Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: A Pokémon Story

    Well as I said in the VM I sent a few minutes ago I really liked this fic, even though it's only the first chapter I believe that you did a good job at introducing the characters as well as the basic plotline. One thing that interested me is the world that you seem to have built for this fic as two towns that I've never heard from before were mentioned so I'm wondering what more is there.

    So far I like Morri simply because he's savvy xD or at least he seems savvy so far. Tahlia is interesting herself, I'd like to know more about her and her past plus I think that her personality matches well with Morri, actually thinking about it this kind of reminded me of Fairy Tail though I don't assume you know that but I still liked your fic cause it's something that's never been done with Pokemon before.

    I don't really have much to comment on regarding things you could get better in, at least not at the moment, SCnD was right that Markus's introduction was kind of sudden and she seemed to have accepted it easily so I guess next time I'll recommend you to try and think of the character's actions a little more. Your description and grammar were good at least from my point of view.

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    Raja of Pala VirtualAnomaly's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Pokémon Story

    Very good opening! I am looking forward to reading more!

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    Christmas Bubble Frog's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Pokémon Story

    Anyway, here from the Review Game!

    Chapter 1

    I'll start off with the opening, it was quick and pitched well. Very snappy, you paced it well and didn't waste too much time on description that didn't matter and hit the ground running. I've run into so many stories that seem to have a natural affinity for spending long intervals of time on describing the nature of the area and such, it's perfectly good you really started off quick and strong because I think that's much better than adding fluff for the sake of trying to convey a sorta enigmatic/natural/epic opening to a story. From what I gathered from reading this, this is an OC story and you're using made-up locations which will be quite interesting since you seem to execute things well and know what you're doing with OCs and OC stories from this chapter and beginning. Thalia seems like a likable character right off the bat and she has a Togetic. Though this veers from the review territory and more toward the fluff area, I like the fact she has a Togetic. The Togetic line are my favorite Flying-types so that was a treat in itself for me, the Pokemon itself conveys a sense of happiness and serenity, not sure if that's what you were going for when you decided to give Thalia one but I like your choice. Morri himself was entertaining, again, if you were going for a theme with giving him a Grovyle. I don't think you were, still I once again like your choice because I like Grovyle itself. I also like how you chose not to give your characters fully-evolved and/or cliche Pokemon right off the bat. I've come into so many stories where authors feel the need to toss their characters Eevee, Charizard, Garchomp, Lucario, etc. It's a breath of fresh air to see somethings so typical.

    Markus himself worked well for, what I assume to be, a one-shot antagonist. A magician with a Houndoom, that was a theme right there. I am surprised Thalia was so naive of him though, it seemed awfully weird for him to meet her and for him to just spill his guts and whole life-story on the fly like that. Though it wasn't too bad because he seemingly was trying to trick her, it was more unrealistic that Thalia let herself be goaded on so easily. That just makes her come off as a bit too trusting of people with sob stories. We know that Thalia's motives for coming to that area is because she's trying to get hired, we still don't know the general plot of the story and whether or not it's going to be plot-driven or character-driven which is perfectly fine and good since leaving it ambiguous for a bit sorta hooks the readers. Morri's introduction into the story was quite unorthodox, he crashes into someone and auto-offers them a berry? It was unique nonetheless I liked how odd you had them meet. Nice to see Togetic and Grovyle not portrayed and bland battling machines, again, so many writers seem to forget Pokemon aren't weapon to further their story. They're living, breath creatures with hearts, emotions, and personalities themselves. The subtle moment of display you gave Togetic and Grovyle fit well and weren't in-your-face at all which is good since I, myself, think that's a very important characteristic when it comes to crafting fun Pokemon characters since they can't speak. I especially like how Thalia called Togetic her partner.

    Going back to Morri for a bit, I like how he has a raison d'être in the form of being a sorta cop alongside his Grovyle. That way he doesn't come off as sand wallpaper and solely has to feed off Thalia for interest, but has his own goal. Admittedly, I did find it a bit sketchy how Morri seemingly just offered Thalia hospitality like that, I guess he's just really friendly but when you first meet someone you usually don't make such an offer to them. Entertaining battle for a chapter one battle, I like your use of Pokemon characteristics like Grovyle's agility and its signature move. Nice to see Thalia at least try to do something during the battle in the form of using Trick to steal away Markus's sword, one thing I would watch out for in the future. Though this isn't a huge cause for concern, I'm hoping Thalia doesn't play the damsel in distress role most of the time in situations like these. She's capable and seems like a competent trainer herself, however Morri stole the whole show and ultimately saved the day. You probably were just establishing Morri's abilities and skill as a trainer so I'm probably just looking too deep into it. Your dialogue flowed extremely well and I didn't find any grammatical errors, that's a feat most fanfiction writers can't seem to pull off well. The dialogue and flow so I give you props on have such free-flowing dialogue and description that was not only informative but entertaining and not flowery. Like I said before, none of the characters came off as empty surprisingly and Morri made the biggest impression. Enjoyment wise, I enjoyed chapter one quite a bit. You clearly know what you're doing and though I fell outta touch at some points the chapter was engrossing from start to finish. That and you clearly took your time and your chapter gave of a sense of newness from the get go.

    Just some general commentary, nothing important.
    Last edited by Bubble Frog; 7th March 2013 at 08:20 AM.
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  7. #7
    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Pokémon Story

    Thanks, @Gotpika;! I'm glad you liked it, and I think you'll find a few funny things like that throughout the story.

    Thank you so much for your support, guys! I know it's been a long couple of weeks, but I've finally finished the second chapter. I hope you all enjoy it!

    Chapter 2: A New Day

    Thalia felt like she was flying on a cloud. She held tight to the fluffy white down, looking over the edge at the earth far below. The countryside was like a giant emerald under the sun, covered in verdant forests and folded over jagged mountains. A few villages dotted the land in the distance, mostly on the plains to the south, past the forest's edge. Master Solon's Altaria friend, which was rather sizable, gave a cheerful cry.

    Thalia glanced over at Morri, who was lying on his back, staring up at the sky above him. “I can't believe you're tired of this!” she yelled over the wind. “This is a dream come true for me!”

    Morri said something back, but Thalia couldn't hear it.

    She looked over at Togetic, who had to hold Altaria's wing as tightly as he could just to stay on. She reached down and gently scratched the back of Togetic's head. “Hey, it's gonna be all right. One day, you'll be flying just as fast,” she said, giving Togetic a reassuring smile. Togetic seemed to relax, but maintained his firm grip.

    Soon, the land ended with a strip of light brown sand, giving way to the ocean. It rolled and billowed as always. She could see a few boats rising up and down on the waves.

    Thalia looked ahead, noticing the far-off arc of an island mountain chain. The ancient mountaintops were rounded off, eroded away by centuries of storms and wind. She pointed and opened her mouth to say something, but Morri shook his head.

    “Nope. It's not that one,” he said, speaking just above the wind.

    Thalia shrugged to herself. Morri had said Master Solon's island was in the southeast, but exactly how far away was it? They'd been flying for at least an hour, and fast, too. They'd be in a different country if they continued too far.

    “That one,” Morri said, non-chalantly pointing one finger forward, while still lying on his back.

    “You're not even looking!” Thalia said. But then she saw that Morri was right. Just visible now was the northern edge of another island, separated from the first by a wide channel. It seemed to Thalia that the two islands had once been one, or at least connected; as they approached, she realized that the edge of the first, larger island was almost a sheer cliff face, and that the corresponding edge of the second, much smaller island sloped gently upwards, though the shore was littered with boulders.

    Altaria screeched, slowing down as they passed over the northernmost shore of the first island, and then crossed over the channel. The second island was vaguely triangular, with a leisurely slope on the north side, and a ravine on the south that widened into a floodplain split by several streams.

    There, on the south side, Thalia could see the roof of a house on the top of a small hill near the beach. It was rather quaint, with two floors and white siding. Large bay windows looked out on the beach from the front of the house, and a few lawn chairs were arranged around a table near the porch. A bleached red and white umbrella sprouted from the table, protecting it from the elements.

    “So that's where Master Solon lives,” Thalia said, as Altaria descended, circling around and around the house until it alighted in the front yard.

    Morri and Grovyle hopped off Altaria's back and stretched. Thalia climbed down, thanking Altaria for the ride, and noticed a diminutive elderly man standing nearby. There was a circle of light gray hair around his head, and, beneath his walrus moustache, a welcoming smile was on his face.

    “Oh, hey, Old Timer,” Morri said.

    “Morri, it's good to see you return,” the old man said. “I trust you've brought the bounty.”

    “Yup,” Morri said, producing the bag of coins from one of his many pockets. “Here.” He tossed it to the old man. It stopped in mid-air, and slowly floated into his hand.

    “And who do we have here?” the old man said, stepping close to Thalia. “My name is Solon, and Morri is one of my students here.”

    “So you're Master Solon?” Thalia said. She had imagined a much taller, more imposing figure.

    Solon smiled. “Indeed I am,” he said. “This is my partner, Alakazam.” The old man indicated the thin-framed Psychic-type, which was standing a short distance away.

    “I'm Thalia, and this is my partner, Togetic,” Thalia said, patting Togetic on the head. “It's nice to meet you, sir.”

    “The pleasure is all mine,” Solon said. “Welcome, Thalia, to my home. Morri, if you would be so kind as to escort our guest inside, I'll follow you in shortly. I have a few things to discuss with Kumo here.” Solon gestured toward the Altaria.

    “All right, you heard him, Thalia. Let's go,” Morri said, starting toward the house with Grovyle in tow.

    Thalia and Togetic looked each other in the eye and shrugged, following suit.

    “Hey, Morri, who's Kumo?” she asked.

    “That's the name of the Altaria that the Old Timer's friends with,” Morri answered.

    “Wait a minute, like, Kumo, the Altaria called the Ruler of the Clouds?!”

    “Yup,” Morri said.

    Thalia couldn't quite find the words to reply. All she really could do was wonder just who these people were. Togetic seemed to feel the same way, Thalia noticed, as his eyes were wide as he waddled along beside her.

    Regardless, the two had soon reached the front porch of the house, where Thalia left her sandals and Morri wiped his bare feet.

    The inside of the house was surprisingly clean. The hardwood floor very clearly reflected the ceiling above, as well as several lamps that were spaced out around the sparsely-decorated walls, which themselves were an untarnished white. A few zabuton mats were stacked in a corner, though two others were arranged around a chabudai table. One of them was occupied.

    The boy sitting there had cold blue eyes and teal hair spiked in the shape of the ocean's waves, with the exception of his bangs, which hung over his forehead in three prongs, similar in shape to the crest on his Croconaw's head. Much to Thalia's chagrin, the only article of clothing he wore was a pair of black boardshorts, baring his well-defined chest and abs to the world.

    “Oh, Morri, you're finally back,” the boy said, smirking. “Did you catch anyone this time?”

    “As a matter of fact, I did,” Morri said, crossing his arms. “I found a new student, too.”

    Before Thalia could correct him, the boy, cocking his head to one side, said, “Oh?”

    “Yeah. This is Thalia,” Morri said. He frowned. “Thalia, this is Shui.” The last word was flat, almost as if Morri was rolling his eyes through his speech.

    “Well, Thalia, it's very nice to meet you,” Shui said, grinning.

    “It's nice to meet you, too,” Thalia said, trying her best to give a convincing grin. She was sure her eyes would give her mixed emotions away.

    “Jeez, Thalia, why don't you calm down?” Morri said, folding his arms behind his head.

    That was when Thalia realized that both he and Grovyle were staring at her.

    “What are you talking about? I'm perfectly calm,” Thalia said.

    “Morri has the ability to sense very minute vibrations in the ground. He probably felt your heart rate increase,” Master Solon said, entering the house and shutting the door behind him.

    “Are you serious?” Thalia said, furrowing her brow. “That would explain a lot, actually.”

    “Yup. Why else do you think I don't wear shoes?” Morri said, holding one foot up in the air and wriggling his toes with a wide grin on his face.

    “Keep your nasty feet away from me!” Thalia said, punching Morri in the shoulder and causing him to lose balance and fall over. Shui and Croconaw both laughed, and Grovyle helped Morri back to his feet.

    “Now, now, dear, I'm afraid I can't permit fighting inside the house,” Master Solon said, retaking his seat at the table. “Morri, grab a few more mats for yourself and for Thalia, if you please.”

    “Sure,” Morri said. He placed Thalia's on the ground first, so she thanked him and sat. Togetic stood next to her.

    “It has been many years since I last took on a student,” Master Solon said. “In fact, I believe it was over ten years-”

    “Wait a minute. I'm sorry to interrupt you, sir, but student? I never agreed to that! All I said was that I need a place to stay, and Morri brought me here with him. I hardly even know any of you guys,” Thalia said.

    “Oh come on, Thalia. It'll be a lot of fun living and training with us!” Morri said.

    “Will you shut up and let the girl decide for herself, you idiot?” Shui said, eliciting a glare from Morri. Morri said something in reply, but Thalia ignored their bickering and focused her attention on Master Solon, who seemed to be in thought. He stared blankly at the table, hands folded over a wooden walking stick as Alakazam loomed over him.

    “You are welcome to stay as long as you like, but since you aren't interested in training, I'd like to ask that you do some work around the house, if you would be so kind,” Master Solon said.

    Thalia nodded. “At least until I can find a steady job somewhere.”

    Master Solon smiled humorously. “We're very far away from human civilization out here. I'm afraid you will have to wait until the Strongest Under the Heavens Tournament in South City, which Morri and Shui have been working toward. It's in a few weeks.”

    “I see,” Thalia said. The circumstances were definitely weird, but there really wasn't much to do about them. She would just have to bide her time until she could find a more normal life. South City didn't sound too bad, and it wouldn't be too long a wait. “That's fine with me.”

    “Excellent,” Master Solon said. He turned to the other two. “Shui! Morri! Stop that right now!”

    Thalia hadn't noticed, but Morri and Shui were tangled up together, growling and glaring at each other, pulling each other's hair. At once, they stopped and separated themselves.

    “The two of you really need to learn to get along,” Master Solon said. “You get plenty of time to fight each other as it is.”

    “Sorry, Master,” Shui said.

    “Yeah,” Morri agreed.

    “Good,” Master Solon said, nodding. “Now, as it happens, a little birdie told me that Helena the Dragon Tamer will be participating in the upcoming tournament once again. If either of you two are going to have a chance against her, you're going to have to work extra hard in the next few weeks.”

    “Helena the Dragon Tamer!?” Morri and Shui exclaimed simultaneously. Grovyle and Croconaw both seemed just as shocked as their human partners.

    Thalia and Togetic both leaned forward slightly, tilting their heads. “Pardon me, but who, exactly?”

    “You've never heard of Helena the Dragon-tamer?” Shui said.

    “She's only, like, the greatest battler ever!” Morri said.

    “Oh. I've never really ever gone outside of my home village before recently, so I guess I've just never gotten the chance to hear of her,” Thalia said.

    “Well, Thalia, you'll be hearing about several highly-skilled battlers during your stay with us,” Master Solon said, stroking his moustache with his index finger and thumb. “These two have both battled her themselves, and they've never managed to land a single blow on her Charizard.”

    Thalia's eyes widened. “Not even a single blow?”

    Morri and Shui both looked down, their faces red. Grovyle and Croconaw were doing the same.

    “She's incredibly powerful for one so young. I don't believe I've seen such battle prowess since my own tournament days,” Master Solon said. “And it wouldn't surprise me if she's been training just as hard, if not harder, than Morri and Shui.”

    “That's incredible,” Thalia said.

    “But it's not surprising. No, there's always someone stronger out there. I would even go as far as to say that Helena is not even the strongest battler in the country,” Master Solon said, nodding. “There are probably battlers far stronger than her right here in Kiyome.”

    Thalia realized Morri and Shui had disappeared along with their partners. “Hey, where'd those two go?”

    “They slipped outside to train, most likely.”

    The sound of an explosion not terribly far away seemed to confirm Master Solon's theory.

    *****


    The moon cast a deep, silvery glow on the world. The sea, a short distance away, rippled gently in the cool night breeze. Thalia sat on the windowsill in one of the extra rooms in the upper floor of Master Solon's house, the moonlight pouring in across her and into the room. She gazed out the large bay window, taking in the view.

    Togetic cooed from somewhere behind her. Without looking away from the window, Thalia said, “I know what you mean. It's very peaceful out here when Morri and Shui aren't fighting.”

    A few Volbeat and Illumise played around above the beach, flashing their lights in intricate patterns, almost as if signaling in code. They zipped back and forth, up and down, twisting and turning in a dance that resonated with Thalia's heart, and though she could not translate the meaning of the ritual into words, she understood it completely.

    A few soft notes escaped from her lips. Togetic whistled them back. This song was not mournful, as the one she had sung earlier that day, back at Baytown, had been, but nonetheless held just as much power. If the others had been awake, they surely would have been just as entranced by Thalia's voice as the villagers had been. It was sweet, but reflective, and came from a place deep inside Thalia's being, expressing simultaneously all of the suffering she had endured up to that moment and all of the hopes and dreams she had ever had.

    Togetic hopped up into Thalia's lap, gazing out at the scenery along with her, and continued to hum along. The song ended as softly as it had begun, fading out with the melody and into silence.

    Togetic cuddled against Thalia's body. She could feel the warmth emanating from it, and the soft, quick heartbeat. He cooed.

    “I don't know, Togetic. Maybe this is what I've been looking for after all. These guys really seem to know what they're doing. Maybe I can learn from them. Maybe I can help other people, too, one day,” she said.

    Togetic cooed again, softer this time.

    “Yeah, it's still hard on me too. Maybe we could stop things like that from happening again.”

    Togetic's wings stretched, and he adjusted his position to better fit against Thalia's chest. She gently stroked his belly with the tips of her fingers. She could see a Dustox fluttering in the light, flitting across a clearing and back into the forest. A Krabby scuttled down the beach, barely a speck against the pale white sand.

    “We're safe now, though,” Thalia said. “We both saw how strong Morri and Grovyle are. Shui and Croconaw are probably just as strong. And who knows how strong Master Solon and his Alakazam are?”

    Togetic chirped in agreement.

    “And if we get strong too, then we won't even need them to protect us. We could protect other people too. People we love. People who need it. People like we are now.” She could hear her own voice cracking, but she could hardly help it at all. Tears stung her eyes, but she made no attempt to blink them away.

    Togetic cooed.

    *****


    That morning, the others awoke to the smell of cooking fruits and vegetables. Morri was the first one to wake up, and Thalia could hear his footsteps as he descended the stairs. Soon, he popped his head into the kitchen.

    “Oh, Thalia. You're up really early. The sun hasn't even come up over the mountain yet,” he said, stepping in through the doorway.

    Thalia didn't look away from the food she was preparing. “I said I'd help take care of the chores around here, didn't I?” She giggled. “Togetic and I wanted to thank you, for saving me and for giving me a place to stay, so we went out earlier and gathered some fruits and vegetables. Master Solon enforces a vegetarian diet, right? I heard many of the old masters still do.”

    “Yeah,” Morri said. “The old-timer gets help growing food from all the Pokémon that live on the island. The birds bring us seeds, the bugs help pollinate the things that grow from the seeds, the grass-types help keep the soil rich in nutrients, and the water-types make sure they get plenty of water. There's even a Combee hive on the island, and they bring us honey sometimes.”

    “Oh, wow,” Thalia said. “The Pokémon must have a lot of respect for him, then.”

    Morri smiled. “Yeah, Grovyle says he's practically a legend. He's lived for so long and done so much for the good of people and Pokémon alike.”

    “So if you guys have all of this taken care of by the Pokémon that live here, what do you need gold for?”

    “The Old Timer usually gives most of it away every time he goes to the city. He uses what he keeps to buy milk, since we don't have any Miltank on the island,” Morri said.

    Thalia smiled. Out the window, she could see the sky lightening. The house was still in the shadow of the mountain, so it wouldn't be truly light for some time, but she could still hear the morning chatter of birds like Pidgey and Taillow. The chirping of a Kricketune was slowly fading out.

    It was not long before Shui joined them. “Well, it looks like Morri beat me in something finally,” he said, punching Morri playfully on the shoulder.

    “Oh, shut up,” Morri said.

    “Hey, you two,” Thalia said, “I've been wondering, what's Master Solon's training like?”

    “It's really tough,” Morri said, almost immediately. “But definitely worth it.”

    “Are you thinking of taking Master Solon up on his offer?” Shui asked.

    Thalia hesitated. “I don't know...”

    “Don't let Morri freak you out. If you want to train with us, just do it,” Shui said, crossing his arms.

    “Yeah, you'll get used to it fast. I think it would be awesome if you got tough like us,” Morri said.

    “Yeah, I guess it would,” Thalia said. “Will you guys go set the table? The food's ready.”

    As Morri and Shui left, Thalia began to divide the meal between eight bowls: four for the humans, and four for the Pokémon. Togetic helped her carry them into the living room, where she found Master Solon already sitting at the table, opposite from an empty seat. She placed the two bowls each on four placemats, one in the center for each human and one toward the corner for each Pokémon.

    She sat down, looking at Morri on her right and Shui on her left, and their partners. They both had huge grins on their faces. Thalia wasn't sure if she liked that.

    They ate in silence, even Morri, surprisingly. Once breakfast was finished, Master Solon cleared his throat.

    “Another job request came in this morning. There's a village in the mountains being terrorized by a monster. Several girls from the village have been taken by it. Morri, I want you to go there, figure out what this monster is, and subdue it. If it's possible, I want you to find the girls as well.”

    “Right,” Morri said, nodding. He high-fived Grovyle.

    “Thalia, I would very much appreciate it if you would accompany Morri and keep him out of trouble.”

    “Of course,” Thalia said, smiling.

    “Oh, come on, Old Timer, I don't need a baby-sitter!” Morri protested.

    “Morri, do you remember the bird keeper incident?” Master Solon asked. Though Morri didn't answer, he smiled. “Keep Thalia safe as well.”

    “Okay...” Morri said, resting his chin against the table and frowning.

    *****


    Soon, Morri, Grovyle, Thalia, and Togetic were soaring through the skies once more on the back of Kumo, Ruler of the Clouds. The sun was rising above the mountain behind them, and the ocean below sparkled with the promise of a new day. To the north, the mountains rose up toward the sky, powerful indigo giants who stood the test of time every day. A few clouds meandered on what was apparently a light breeze.

    Thalia looked over at Morri, who was, once again, lying on his back next to Grovyle.

    She looked down at Togetic and smiled.

  8. #8
    The small giant Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: A Pokémon Story

    Well the chapter was good, it introduced two new characters and we got to know a little more about the characters that we already know. You description was pretty good, but I suggest to expand a bit more on your character's actions and feelings.

    There is one thing I didn't like. Now, I know that this is probably just cause of the second chapter and that you may well have something else planned for later, but I feel like there were a lot of anime comparisons in this chapter, mainly Fairy Tail and Dragonball to be specific, like I said I don't know what you have planned for the future but I'll still say that you should try to keep your story separated, you can take inspiration from it and borrow a few things but don't let those things be exactly the same.

  9. #9
    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Pokémon Story

    That's probable, Flaze. I'm not gonna lie here, though: I cannibalize stuff from my old fanfics and ideas so often, lol. The Dragon Ball influence probably comes from me recycling parts of my old Dragon Ball fanfic. :P You'll probably also see some influence from Fullmetal Alchemist as well, but that probably won't be important for a long time. (Also, the next chapter is going to be fairly similar to a particular episode from early Dragon Ball, but it's actually based on a chapter from Journey to the West. :P)

    Thanks for reading!

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