Pokémon Rocket Revelations

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  1. #1
    Guardian of Earth
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    Default Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    1: The Journey Begins. (Please post a review)

    “You wanted to see us sir,” said Emily.
    “Yes,” said Giovanni the boss of Team Rocket.
    “You, Emily and Max, are the worst Team Rocket field Agents that we have at the moment.
    “Surely those idiots Jessie and James…”said Maxie before being interrupted.
    “No. They have at least bought me Pokémon in the past,” said the boss. “But you 2 have always been failures”
    “But sir,” said Emily.
    “Silence. Its time to initiate Project Gywall,” he stated.
    “Project Gywall?” said Maxie and Emily at the same time, confused.
    Giovanni clicked his fingers and a door lifted open. A dark figure was standing in the shadows behind it. He was tossing a coin with his thumb. He moved forward. He was wearing a hat that covered 1 eye. He was tall, dark haired, with a beard scar across his face.

    “This is Ian,” said Giovanni.
    “Hi,” said Maxie shaking.
    “Well introduce yourselves,” said Giovanni in a cold tone.
    “Did he say introduce ourselves?” said Emily.
    “I think he did,” said Maxie.

    We’re making trouble-double, and its not gonna be fun
    We’re taking your pokemon, so sorry Hun.
    We believe stealing is better than all right,
    Try and stop us, and you’ll be out like a light.

    Emily
    Maxie
    He’s Riolu too,
    Don’t forget about my Pika,
    Or my Pachirisu

    In a single strike we’ve cleared the room,
    Fearing sunlight, worshiping the moon.
    Team Rocket came here from outer space
    Now prepare to have that Smile taken off of your face.

    “How childish,” responded Ian.
    “Hey, that took us ages to figure out” said Maxie
    “Ages that you could have been using to capture Pokémon” replied Ian.

    On his arm was some sort of bracelet with a laser mounted on top. He raised it and pointed it at Maxie and Emily. It released a bolt of electricity shocking Emily and Maxie.

    “So you like giving shocks do ya?” said Maxie. “Pikachu go” he said releasing Pikachu.
    “You too Pachirisu” said Emily releasing Pachirisu.
    “Thundershock,” they said together.
    “Sneasel, Faint Attack” replied Ian. A black ball of energy flew towards Pachirisu and Pikachu, hit them and then materialised into a sneasel.

    “Where did that come from,” shouted Maxie.
    “Sneasel was hiding in the shadows all the time,” said Ian.

    Maxie looked round. The attack and knocked Emily on the floor and her leg looked twisted. Pikachu and Pachirisu were unable to battle.

    “Riolu, Aura-Sphere,” shouted Maxie. Riolu came out from under Giovanni’s chair where it had been sitting since the Motto finished and formed a blue ball of energy in its palms. It then launched this blue-beam of energy towards Sneasel. Sneasel was sent flying into the roof of the building and landed faint.

    “Damn fighting type attacks, finish Sneasel,” said Ian. “And how comes your Riolu knows Aura-Sphere,” said Ian clearly shocked at what had just happened.
    “They were extremely gifted at all the exams,” said Giovanni and I rewarded them with their Pachirisu and Pikachu as well as their team Pokémon, a very rare Riolu with Aura-Sphere,” said Giovanni. “It’s a pity they can’t battle like that all of the time, only when one is hurt. But they have potential,” said Giovanni.
    “I see,” said Ian.

    “We don’t want him coming with us,” said Maxie.
    “Well its either that or I fire you two,” said Giovanni
    “Fine,” said Emily reluctantly, “we’ll take him,”
    “Good,” said Giovanni, “now out of my site.”

    The group of 3 left the building, Maxie carrying Riolu in his arms.
    “Ok first of all, I will have discipline, you will listen to everything I say, got it,” said Ian
    “Nope,” said Maxie.
    “What do you mean no,” replied Ian.
    “The boss said you have to come with us and teach us how to become better agents but he never actually said that we have to do what you say, just let you teach us,” replied Emily with a smile.
    “Don’t try and be clever or my Sneasel…” said Ian.
    “Will get beaten up by Riolu,” said Maxie. “Again.”

    Also as we…” said Emily.
    “Shush, said Ian,” “look over there a Trainer.” A trainer was walking along the tall grass, he was brown haired wearing jeans, a green shirt and a black Jacket. Next to him was a Turtwig.

    “Turtwig, tackle,” said the boy. The Turtwig tackled a small object breaking it.
    “Well done,” exclaimed the boy.

    “Right we’ll sneak up and steal the boys Turtwig when…”Ian said before he noticed Maxie and Emily were gone, he looked around and they were with the boy.

    We’re making trouble-double, and its not gonna be fun
    We’re taking your pokemon, so sorry Hun.
    We believe stealing is better than all right,
    Try and stop us, and you’ll be out like a light.

    Emily
    Maxie
    He’s Riolu too,
    Don’t forget about my Pika,
    Or my Pachirisu

    In a single strike we’ve cleared the room,
    Fearing sunlight, worshiping the moon.
    Team Rocket came here from outer space
    Now prepare to have that Smile taken off of your face.

    “Yeah well my name’s Nick,” said the boy “and you’re not getting my Turtwig.”
    “Pachirisu, Spark,” said Emily.
    “Pikachu, Thunderbolt,” said Maxie. The attacks hit and seemed to hurt the Turtwig, but not badly.
    “Electric type moves are only 50% as effective against a Grass-type,” said Nick. “Are you stupid or what?”
    “You really should have known that,” said Ian.

    “Oh well,” said Ian. “Sneasel, Icy Wind.” Sneasel came out of it’s Pokéball and used Icy Wind. The Turtwig fainted.
    “Riolu, Aura-Sphere the boy,” said Maxie. Reluctantly Riolu held the attack in its hands and then released the blue energy at Nick. He was knocked flying several metres, and fell unconscious. Ian then caged the Turtwig and quickly loaded it into the boot of the 4X4 Black Lexus with a purple ‘R’ on either side.

    Emily and Maxie, went over and checked Nick. Emily checked if he was still alive, he was, and Maxie stole his wallet, Pokéballs and Pokédex.
    “Quickly,” said Emily. They both ran to the 4X4 and smiled at each other.
    “You know this is the first Pokémon we’ve successfully stolen right,” said Maxie.
    “Yeah,” said Emily with a sad tone.
    “What’s the matter?” asked Maxie, who was clearly worried about her.
    “It’s nothing,” said Emily. She shook her head and then said, “We did it,”.

    They hi-fived and got in the car, they sat down celebrating. They cheered and cheered even Ian smiled, which was the first time Emily or Maxie had seen him do it.
    Last edited by Guardian; 17th February 2009 at 06:58 AM.

  2. #2
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    I'm sorry, but what was that?

    It seemed like free verse, and not very good free verse at that. There's a distinct lack of emotion, a lack of formatting, a lack of characterization...

    And I know it's a name and as such can be used anywhere, but when you give a Rocket agent the same name as another Team Leader, that ought to be mentioned at least once.


    (also when you capitalize "Hun" in a Rocket-centric fic, I expect the silver-haired androgyne from Legend of Thunder to show up. I was disappointed that he was nowhere to be seen)

  3. #3
    Guardian of Earth
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    my name is Max, that's why he's called Max in the fanfic. It's only the introduction so I'll add more character development and emotion in chapter 2.

    More reviews please...

    oh and what is formatiing and characterization?
    Last edited by Guardian; 17th February 2009 at 07:50 AM.

  4. #4
    Henshin! Kamen_Fanatic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    (Slams head down on desk) The "B", "I" AND "U"! Oy. Wait a minute - what grade are you in?

    Putting yourself in a Rocket fan fic? Most of the time, it hardly does the fic justice.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    it's just a name. I don't say "I" it's still in 3rd person.

    Can you give more a review than that, it hardly helps me improve.

  6. #6
    Henshin! Kamen_Fanatic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    That was formating. By grade, I mean acedemic grade level.

    Also, it does look like it's a free verse paragraph format. Only do that to songs. Actual senteneces do not and are not structured that way.

    Oh, and Riolu can't learn Aura Sphere. Lucario, its evolved form, can.

  7. #7
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    ...ack. Lemme review this bit by bit. First of all...There's no life in this fanfiction. It's just lines of dialogue over and over and over. Just <"BLAHBLAHBLAH" said Blah.> Nothing else. Which leads me to my next point...

    ...ugh...how many times have I said this? DESCRIPTION. DESCRIPTION. DESCRIPTION. What does Max look like? Where are we (okay fine, we can infer we're in the Rocket HQ at first. But afterwards, I'm completely lost)? WHEN are we? The past? The future? The present? *snaps fingers* Please, DESCRIBE the characters (characterization), DESCRIBE the events, DESCRIBE the whereabouts. DESCRIBE. DESCRIBE. DESCRIBE. (Full caps used for emphasis~)

    Okay, now, the story itself. Your title? "The Journey Begins". Ugh, what journey? I've read this over and over and see no journey. Improper title. Penalized.

    The content? Well, 50% of what I see is some crappy rap that has no meaning at all, unless you're saying that it does have a meaning later in the storyline. Then, the stealing of that Turtwig (right?). Hmm, you say they suck at stealing? So why didn't they screw up the operation somehow? Just because Ian (Ivan *shot*) was there, they succeeded? Ingenious, yet, pointless. Just because TTE is there, doesn't mean that you will edit properly.

    Oh, and the other 50%? It's dialogue *See above*.

    This review was done by ThatKidWithTheGlasses saying there's no such thing as a stupid story until you write it.

    P.S. Haven't I seen this fic on the 'pedia somewhere before? Say, Gywall's?!?! Dude, it's plagiarism...

    EDIT: P.P.S. Oh, turns out it was Max's. ^.^;
    Last edited by White Len; 17th February 2009 at 08:25 AM.
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

  8. #8
    DCM
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    no, it was max's.
    “And as to you life, I reckon you are the leavings of many deaths, No doubt I have died myself ten thousand times before.”

    W.W.

  9. #9
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    Oh. By the way, Riolu can learn Aura Sphere. If you're playing Shadows of Almia.
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    thank you for your reviews, they are going to help me rewrite this 1st chapter and hopefully it will be tons better.

    What is free verse?

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    Quote Originally Posted by Dracologist_3000 View Post

    Oh, and Riolu can't learn Aura Sphere. Lucario, its evolved form, can.
    It's a special one, there is one in the anime that can, as well as one in Pokemon Ranger 2, which can be traded to your game.

  12. #12
    Henshin! Kamen_Fanatic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    What you did for the first chap..... Seriously, what grade level are you? Most freshman know this already.

    That's just it. The rest of the Riolu population can't learn it.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    this is one of those special ones. I explained it in the story

    "And how comes your Riolu knows Aura-Sphere,” said Ian clearly shocked at what had just happened.
    “They were extremely gifted at all the exams,” said Giovanni and I rewarded them with their Pachirisu and Pikachu as well as their team Pokémon, a very rare Riolu with Aura-Sphere,” said Giovanni.

  14. #14
    DCM
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    Plot Hole....

    If they were so good at the exams, why do they suck now?
    “And as to you life, I reckon you are the leavings of many deaths, No doubt I have died myself ten thousand times before.”

    W.W.

  15. #15
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: Pokémon Rocket Revelations

    Exactly my point presented. Apparently it's because of Ivan Ian.
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

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