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  1. #1
    Registered User Raccoon1997's Avatar
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    Default Pokémon: A Missing Part

    This is my first fanfiction, please tell me what you think, and also what your favorite storyline was. Also, I'm not sure if I like the title, suggestions are welcome.

    --

    Chapter 1: Faith


    “Scyther, use slash attack!”
    “Look, out Jynx!”
    Jynx was too late. Scyther hit Jynx hard.
    “Jynx, are you okay? Try an ice beam!”
    Jynx stood up and did as its trainer commanded.
    “Scyther, block it with your sword dance!”
    That worked. Jynx was getting exhausted. Taylor’s Scyther had a great defense. It barely attacked, it just waited for its opponent to make a move.
    Scyther was one of the first pokémon Taylor caught during his journey through Sinnoh. Back then he didn’t get enough badges in time to compete in the Sinnoh League. He decided to leave all of his pokémon with his uncle, who had a huge yard where the pokémon could live. He only brought Scyther with him to Kanto, where he had started a new journey. This time he didn’t want to compete in a league or anything. He wanted to achieve something way more valuable. This time his goal was to build a connection with his Scyther, to understand it completely.
    “Jynx, let’s try it one more time. Use ice punch!”
    “Double team and then finish it off with an air slash!”
    Jynx looked around, all confused. She didn’t know which Scyther to punch.
    “Quick, behind you!”
    But again, it was too late. When Jynx turned around she got hit by Scyther’s air slash.
    “Jynx, return.”
    The other trainer looked at Taylor, who was thanking his Scyther for the great battle.
    “I’m impressed,” the trainer said, “you’ve trained your Scyther incredibly well.”
    “Thanks.” Taylor answered.
    “Oh, I’m sorry, I believe I haven’t even introduced myself. My name is Jerry.”
    Jerry was pretty slim. He was 17 years old, but he was very short for his age. He had curly brown hair and he was wearing glasses.
    “I’m Taylor.”
    Taylor was also 17 years old, but unlike Jerry, he was very tall. He had short black hair and a tiny beard.
    “Nice to meet you, Taylor. Why don’t you follow me to my house?” Jerry said, “I live in a village nearby.”

    “Look at that!” Lorenzo said, “Eight badges! It took us a lot of hard work, but it finally paid off.”
    His Marowak was just as excited about it.
    Lorenzo was a tall, 19 year old guy with long wavy, blond hair. He and his Marowak had just earned their eighth gym badge.
    “How did it go?” a man asked, as Lorenzo and his Marowak walked into the hotel they were staying in.
    Lorenzo had been talking to the man in the elevator that morning, right before he left to challenge the Viridian City Gym leader.
    “It went great! I received my final gym badge, thanks to Marowak of course.”
    “Marowak!”
    “Now I can finally compete in the Indigo League.” Lorenzo continued, all excited.
    The man smiled.
    “It’s good to hear that.” he said, and then he walked on.
    Lorenzo turned to Marowak.
    “Well Marowak, I guess we’ll have to start our training tomorrow morning. The sooner we start training, the better our chances are in the league.”
    “Maro!”

    “Lay down, Primeape, don’t make any noise. We don’t want to scare it.”
    Andy had been waiting all his life for an opportunity like this. When he heard there might be a rare pokémon in the Viridian forest, he just had to catch it.
    “Damn it, nothing here. Let’s move on.”
    Andy had been wandering through the forest all night. His mid long, black hair was messy, his clothes were torn by tree branches and his skin was full of scratches. Andy didn’t have breakfast this morning, so he was starving. And so was his Primeape.
    “There it is, Primeape, there it is!” Andy said, trying to be as quiet as possible. But he was too excited to stay quiet. “All right, let’s wait until it’s right in front of us.”
    A beautiful, sparkling, pink Butterfree came closer and closer to Andy and his Primeape. Not just its color was different from ordinary Butterfree, it was a little smaller too.
    “Go!” Andy yelled.
    The Butterfree scared up. Primeape’s foot flew right into its face. Butterfree hit the ground.
    “Great job, Primeape! Now is our chance! Pokéball, go!”

    “Here it is, Maiden’s Peak!”
    Taylor was speechless. This was the most beautiful place he had ever seen. It was built near the ocean. The light wind was very calming. It was a peaceful place.
    “It’s beautiful.” Taylor said.
    “I think so too. Follow me to my house.”
    Taylor followed Jerry to an old house.
    “It’s my father’s house.” Jerry said when they walked in. “Dad!”
    A tough-looking man came down the stairs. He was tall, muscular and had blond spiky hair. He had the looks of a military man. He was followed by an Electabuzz.
    The Electabuzz looked at Scyther.
    “Electabuuuzz.”
    “Scyther scy.”
    “Lecta-Lectabuuuzz.”
    “Scyther!”
    The two started fighting.
    “Scyther, stop that!”
    “Electabuzz, get over here!”
    They looked at each other, then they walked back to their trainer.
    “I’m so sorry about that.” Taylor said.
    “It’s okay. Electabuzz doesn’t trust other pokémon easily. My name is Steven. I used to work in the Vermillion City Gym. I was one of Lt. Surge’s assistants.”
    “Cool!” Taylor said. He had heard a lot about Lt. Surge from other trainers he met back in Sinnoh. He wanted to ask all kinds of question about the gym, but Jerry interrupted. “Let’s save that for tomorrow and go to bed. I’m tired.”
    “Okay. Good night.”
    “Good night.”
    “Good night.”

    Andy walked back to Pewter City. He couldn’t wait to show everyone the rare pokémon he had told them about. Even though it was still very early, everybody was already outside to see if he had managed to capture it. Some were sure he had, but others laughed at him for even trying, because they were sure he’d never succeed.
    ‘And…?’ a woman asked.
    Andy sent out his brand new Butterfree. It was way more beautiful than anyone had ever expected. Andy looked at Primeape and smiled. They had worked so hard and now they had finally succeeded.
    Andy now was 17 years old. At the age of 14, he started collecting all kinds of pokémon, preferably rare ones. But the rarest ones he caught so far were some Farfetch’d and a Kangaskhan. Now he finally had a really rare, valuable pokémon. A pokémon that made everyone be jealous.

    A young woman guided Lorenzo and his Marowak through the building. Last night a man at the hotel told Lorenzo about the Viridian Training Center, where all kinds of pokémon trainers came with their pokémon to improve their battling skills. Lorenzo had woken up early this morning to check the place out.
    “And here is the battle arena. You can go to the desk over there if you want to battle other trainers.”
    After the woman had shown Lorenzo everything, he and Marowak immediately decided to go to the battle arena. He had challenged the first trainer he met there for a one on one battle. The other trainer used a Nidorino. Of course, Lorenzo used his Marowak.
    “Marowak, start off with a bone club attack!”
    Marowak ran at high speed to the Nidorino, a critical hit.
    “Come on Nidorino! Always dodge his attacks!”
    “Nido!”
    “Okay, now it’s our turn! Tackle attack!”
    Nidorino hit Marowak in the stomach. Marowak stood up immediately and used a bonemerang attack. His bone flew over Nidorino and while Marowak was catching it, he got hit by Nidorino’s poison sting attack. Marowak fell.
    “Game over!” the young trainer sniggered.
    “Marowak, try to get up!”
    But Marowak didn’t. Lorenzo had lost. Even though he now got his eight badges, he still had a long way to go.

    It was 10 AM. Taylor and Jerry had decided to go out training with their pokémon.
    “I’m so impressed by you and your Scyther.” It was all Jerry could talk about. “You two seem to trust each other completely!”
    Scyther was silently enjoying it. He didn’t like people that much, but he did like being respected. That was why he liked Taylor so much. He always appreciated what Scyther did for him, even when Scyther didn’t succeed.
    “Over there!” Taylor said after an hour of walking.
    They had arrived in a foggy area, between some high hills.
    Jerry looked at the flock of Spearow Taylor was pointing at.
    “They are around here once every two months.” he explained, “They always fly a certain route. They settle here for a day or so and then they travel on.”
    Taylor wasn’t listening anymore. His Scyther was talking to the Spearow. They seemed kind of aggressive.
    “Scyther, let’s leave them alone and move on.” Taylor said, but Scyther ignored him.
    Suddenly the Spearow made a high, loud and eery sound. Taylor and Jerry covered their ears, but Scyther didn’t move at all. Then, out of the fog, a huge, frightening, yet magnificent Fearow appeared. It seemed like Scyther had to prove its strength by defeating this immense bird.
    “Scyther, don’t do it!” Taylor yelled, but again, Scyther didn’t listen. Scyther walked up to the Fearow. The Fearow made a sharp, screaming sound.
    “Rooooow!”
    “Scyyy-ther.”
    Vubberth likes this.
    If anyone's interested in writing a fanfic together, you can always ask me for my skype :)

  2. #2
    Collaborate and listen. Vubberth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: A Missing Part

    @Raccoon1997; I really like the focus on dialogue and that your characters are original. Lots of fan-fictions are simply "new trainer/journey" stories, but this cast seems much more interesting. I would really like to see the characters and Pokemon fleshed out with their own personalities and quirks, but otherwise, I wouldn't change anything about the first chapter. Just make sure that you give each of the POVs equal treatment so that nobody gets an unintentional backseat.
    I have claimed: Bidoof | Fly | Everstone | Full Restore
    I am currently playing: Team Fortress 2 | Pokémon Y

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