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  1. #1
    The Smexy Assassin Flame1819's Avatar
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    Default Pokémon: Champions

    Note: I've also got this same fic up on fanfiction.net. It's still me, though. Just under a different name. I just thought I'd put it here, too, because... well, why not? You can post your commentary/reviews here or on FF.net, I don't mind either, but if you have a question, you're better off asking here. Enjoy!

    My intent with this story is to kind of replicate the style of the anime, as it takes place in the anime version of the Pokémon world.

    Summary: Misty's daughter, Samantha, is eleven years old, and dreams of becoming a Pokémon Master and the new League Champion! Not that it's going to be an easy journey, even with the human and Pokémon friends she'll make along the way: her trusted Pichu partner, an aspiring gym leader, and many others. (Main characters are all original, more or less)

    Table of Contents:
    Chapter 1: I Choose You! (FF.net)
    Chapter 2: Trouble in the City of Green! (FF.net)

    In Progress:
    Chapter 3: Showdown in Viridian Forest!
    Last edited by Flame1819; 17th August 2013 at 01:36 PM.

  2. #2
    The Smexy Assassin Flame1819's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Champions

    Chapter 1: I Choose You!

    "Tauros opens with a Horn Attack!" An announcer shouted as the Pokémon, Tauros, charged at its opponent, a Charizard. The two were beginning a fierce battle in the Pokémon League, as a challenger fought against the reigning Champion. All lights were trained on the two combatants, and the crowd cheered with every attack.

    Samantha stood in front of the television, watching every moment of the fierce battle. Her pink hair was a bit unruly, as always, sticking out sharply to the right in front and ending with two long pigtails in the back, which reached to her shoulders before bouncing back up halfway to her hairline as if in defiance of gravity. Her crystal-blue eyes sparkled as Charizard scorched the Tauros with a Flamethrower, and her thin pink lips stretched into an excited grin. Samantha wore a red baseball cap with a white front, which was plain except for the green logo in the center. The hat was a gift from the Pokémon League champion himself, and she treasured it more than anything else she owned. She also wore a red jacket (which she kept open most of the time), a black shirt underneath it, and a pair of light blue jeans with a large hole torn open in each knee. Samantha was tall for being only eleven years old, so her clothes were handed down from her older brother, Kyle. She didn't mind wearing boys' clothes, and she only wore skirts or dresses when her mother, made her.

    "It looks like Tauros is unable to battle!" The announcer shouted as Tauros was floored once more by a fierce strike from Charizard, not even attempting to get back up. "Charizard is the winner!"

    "Yes!" Samantha shouted triumphantly, raising her fist in the air. She had been rooting for the defending Champion, and he had won, like he always did.

    "Hey, Sam!" A deeper voice called out from the main hall of Samantha's home. "You ready to go?"

    "Yeah, I'll be right there!" Samantha said, slipping on her red running shoes over her black socks. She kept them tied just loose enough so she could slip them on and off without untying them, but they wouldn't come off on their own. She then grabbed her dark blue backpack and tied a belt around her waist, exiting her room.

    In the lobby waited a boy of fifteen years of age, who, like Samantha, was tall, thin, and quite fair-skinned. He had pale green eyes that gave no indication about his emotion, and dark blue hair that hung down in the front, obscuring his left eye. He wore a simple outfit consisting of a blue shirt and khaki cargo shorts, with a black belt tied around his waist. Attached to the belt were six Pokéballs, each one inscribed with the name of the Pokémon inside.

    "Well, sis, looks like you're all grown up now." The boy said, smiling at Samantha. She barely made it up to his chest, but she looked up to meet his eyes and grinned back at him.

    "So you're gonna escort me to Professor Oak's lab, Kyle?" Samantha asked excitedly.

    "Sure am, but no farther than that." Kyle said. "I'll drop you off and head back here once you're there, okay?" Samantha grinned again, nodding in comprehension. She could barely keep herself from bouncing off of the walls in excitement, and was constantly fidgeting or pacing as they waited for their mother to arrive to see them off. It was only a few minutes that they waited, but to Samantha, it felt like an eternity.

    "My little girl's all grown up now!" Misty said as she walked in, smiling broadly and embracing Samantha in a tight hug. Misty wore a pale yellow dress that ended at her knees, which, except for the two straps that held it up, ended a few inches below the base of her neck, and had no sleeves. Her orange hair was down, as it was most of the time, cropped off just above her shoulders. Sparkling blue eyes gazed proudly on her daughter from Misty's smooth, youthful face, which was more similar to that of a twenty-year-old than someone in their mid-thirties, like she was. "Today's the day that you get your Pokédex and your first Pokémon! It's hard to believe you're already eleven."

    "Don't worry, Mom!" Samantha said, grinning even wider than before. "I'm sure my Pokémon will be awesome and strong, and we'll have tons of adventures together!"

    "I'm sure you will." Misty said, patting her daughter on the head. "Be careful, okay, honey?"

    "I will, Mom." Samantha answered, creeping towards the door.

    "Are you sure you packed everything you need?" Misty asked, wiping the tears from her eyes before either child noticed them.

    "Yes, I'm sure."

    "And you have your map?"

    "Yeah."

    "And food, just in case you need it?"

    "Yes, mom."

    "And what about-?"

    "I think she'll be alright, Mom." Kyle cut Misty off and patting her on the back affectionately.

    "You're right." She said, smiling and wiping her eyes one more time. "She does take after her father, after all."

    "Right, well, we gotta go!" Samantha said anxiously, grabbing Kyle by the wrist and dragging him towards the door. "Bye mom!"

    "Bye sweetie!" Misty called after her daughter. "Don't forget to keep in touch! I love you!"

    ***

    The trip to Pallet Town was short, thanks to Kyle's Swanna. It carried them on its back with ease, flying past several other birds on the way. As soon as they landed in front of Gary Oak's laboratory that he had inherited from his Grandfather, Samantha jumped off, running inside without hesitation. Kyle then flew off, heading back to Cerulean City.

    Inside of Oak's lab was an array of various scientific contraptions, computer screens with complicated equations, and test tubes full of miscellaneous liquids. The professor himself was sitting at a desk, typing into a laptop computer. Hearing the door open and close, he looked up, smiling when he saw Samantha enter. His spiky brown hair swayed only slightly as he stood up, and he slipped on his white lab coat, which he never wore while at his desk (the rolling chair had a tendency to roll over his coattail and make him trip when he stood up, otherwise).

    "Well, if it isn't Samantha!" Gary said, grinning at the ecstatic girl in front of him. "I can't believe you're already old enough to get your Pokémon!"

    "Are you kidding me?!" Samantha scoffed. "I've been waiting for like, EVER for today!" Gary chuckled, placing a Pokéball down on the table next to him.

    "Well, you're in luck, because I got the perfect Pokémon for you just last week." He said, indicating the Pokéball. "Go on, open it."

    Samantha nodded, grasping the red and white orb in her hand. It was smooth and metallic to the touch, just as she had imagined it would be. Her forefinger found its way to the button in the center, and she slowly pressed it down. When she released it, the Pokéball sprang open, emitting a white glow from inside. The glow shot out, landing on the table next to where the Pokéball had sat. When the glow had faded, Samantha stared at the yellow creature in front of her, taking in what she saw.

    "Pichu?" The creature squeaked, returning Samantha's curious gaze.

    "That's it?" Samantha said, not quite impressed. "A Pichu?"

    "Well, yes, it's a Pichu." Gary said, not sure how that was a problem.

    "Why couldn't it be something stronger?" Samantha asked. "Y'know, like a Charizard or a Tyranitar?" Pichu wilted a bit at this comment, its ears drooping sadly.

    "You couldn't handle either of those yet." Gary said. "They'd never obey you, and you'd be in danger just having one with you right now. Besides, I know plenty of strong trainers who use Pikachu. I'm sure you're aware of Pichu's potential."

    "Yeah... I guess so." Samantha said, bending over to be at eye level with Pichu.

    "Alright, you, listen up!" She said sternly, gazing passionately into the tiny electric mouse's eyes. "You and me, we're gonna be the greatest trainer-Pokémon combination ever! With me as your trainer, there's nothing you can't do! You better work hard, because I'm gonna make you the best, got it?!"

    "Pichu!" Exclaimed Pichu, sticking its right paw into the air excitedly.

    "Good!" Samantha shouted. "Then let's get going!" She held out her hand, and, as if instinctively knowing what she wanted, Pichu climbed up onto her shoulder, perching itself there and squeaking excitedly.

    "Thanks Professor!" Samantha called as she ran out the door, rushing towards her Pokémon journey.

    "No problem." Gary said, although Samantha was already gone by the time he spoke. "They're gonna make a great team, I know it. They already look like they'll get along well, too. Heh, she reminds me of Ash when he was a kid. Same spunk, I guess. I wonder how long it'll take for her to realize she forgot to get her-"

    "Pokédex!" Samantha shouted, barging back into the lab, panting. "I forgot to get the Pokédex like I was supposed to!"

    "It's okay." Gary said, laughing. "You're excited. I understand. Here." Gary pulled the red, rectangular device from his pocket, handing it to Samantha. "This is yours."

    "Thanks so much, Professor Oak!" Samantha said, grinning from ear to ear. "Well, I've got a long road ahead of me, so I better get going! See ya!" With those words, she left the laboratory once more.

    ***

    It took only a few minutes of running before Samantha reached Route 1. It was bright and sunny, the beginning of spring, and the gentle breeze sang a cheerful tune through the grass and trees as Samantha slowed her pace to a walk. Pichu was perched on her shoulder, sniffing the air excitedly. It was the first time that it had been this far outside the lab, and everything was new and exciting to it. Samantha walked with a slight bounce, excited to be on her journey, but completely unaware of what it would be like.

    A rustling in the grass ahead of Samantha alerted her to a Pokémon, and she stopped in her tracks. Her mother had given her five Pokéballs to catch wild Pokémon, and she hoped Pichu was up to its first fight. She pulled out her Pokédex, holding a Pokéball in her other hand, creeping towards the rustling grass. The creature in the grass emitted a low snarl as she got close, glaring out at her with bright red eyes. Pichu hopped off of Samantha's shoulder, landing on the ground by her feet, his fur bristling as the Pokémon emerged. A blue coat of fur that seemed to sparkle in the sunlight covered the canine Pokémon's body, and on the top of its head was a silver mask. It growled again, baring its sharp, white teeth, which glistened in the sunlight. Samantha opened her Pokédex and scanned the Pokémon, not sure what it was.

    "Houndour," the Pokédex said in its mechanical (but distinctly male) voice, displaying a picture of the Pokémon that had just appeared, although the picture was of one with black fur. "The Dark Pokémon. It usually hunts in packs, communicating with others using distinct cries to indicate different things. Usually found in Johto."

    "P-packs?" Samantha said, a large sweatdrop rolling down her head as she looked around for the other Pokémon. No other Houndour were in sight, contrary to what her Pokédex had suggested.

    "I guess this one's alone." Samantha said, looking to Pichu. "You ready?"

    "Pichu pi!" Pichu said, electricity sparking from its cheeks.

    "Alright, Pichu, use Tackle!" Samantha shouted. Pichu obediently charged forward, attempting to slam its body into the Houndour. The Houndour nimbly jumped over Pichu as he got close, evading the strike with ease. It didn't retaliate, but turned its focus back to Samantha, continuing to snarl at her.

    "Man, that thing's quick..." She said. "Use Thundershock, Pichu!"

    "Pi... chuuuuu!" Pichu growled, unleashing a bolt of electricity at the Houndour. It turned its head, watching Pichu attack but making no attempt to dodge it. The attack struck the Houndour, but it didn't even flinch, and once the attack ended, it jumped back, landing behind Pichu.

    "No way... it didn't even hurt it?!" Samantha said, shocked that such a strong Pokémon was wandering around there.

    "Dour..." Houndour snarled, opening its mouth wide. Flames began to build up in its mouth, filling it up and even spilling outwards slightly in a matter of seconds. The Houndour drew its head back, preparing to unleash the attack on Samantha and Pichu.

    "That's enough!" A voice shouted from behind the Houndour, making it stop its attack and prick its ears up. It seemed surprised to hear the voice, but clearly recognized it. The source of the voice, a boy that looked to be about 13, stepped out of the grass, panting softly. He wasn't quite as tall as Samantha, about a head shorter than she was, but he was easily stockier than she, even if he was a bit scrawny. His eyes were a dark, chocolate brown, matching his tanned skin perfectly. He had dark hair that he kept slicked back, short, and clearly well cared for. The boy wore a sleeveless orange vest, which he kept zipped up, with a white t-shirt underneath. His legs were covered by brown slacks, and he wore a pair of blue sneakers on his feet. On his right hand the boy had a black fingerless glove, but the other hand was bare. His arms and legs were covered in numerous scratches, but otherwise he seemed okay.

    "Stand down, Cinder!" He shouted. Obediently, the Houndour bowed its head, sitting down and staring calmly at Samantha, all hostility vanished from its eyes.

    "Sorry if he caused you any trouble." The boy said. "Are you okay?"

    "I'm fine." Samantha said, crossing her arms. "I probably wouldn't be if you hadn't shown up just then. You should really keep that thing on a leash, y'know. It's dangerous."

    "I'm really sorry." The boy said apologetically. "Cinder's normally well-behaved, but I guess he was just scared. We were separated when we were attacked by a swarm of Beedrill. Thank you so much for finding him."

    "Eh, no big deal." Samantha said, shrugging nonchalantly. "I'm glad I could help ya out, I guess."

    "Well, I really appreciate it." He said, smiling at her. "What's your name?"

    "I'm Samantha, but you can just call me Sami." Samantha said, smirking. "Me and my trusty partner Pichu are gonna take on the Pokémon gym challenge, and I'll become the new Pokémon League Champion!"

    "Pi-chuuu!" The little mouse squeaked, perching itself on Sami's shoulder once again.

    "Heh, he's very cute." The boy said. "Is he your first Pokémon?"

    "Sure is!" Sami said. "Got him this morning from Professor Oak."

    "Congratulations, Sami." The boy said. "I'm sure you two will be great together."

    "And what about you?" Samantha said, looking at the boy curiously. "Who the heck are you, anyway?"

    "My name is Fala." The boy said. "And this is my Pokémon, Cinder. I've had him since I was a child. I dream of becoming a Gym Leader someday."

    "Oh really?" Sami said. "That's cool. We'll have to have a battle when ya do."

    "It would be my pleasure." Fala said, laughing a bit. "I'd be honored to battle the Champion."

    "Ha! I'll beat you for sure, y'know!" Sami said. "So where're ya headed, Fala?"

    "I'm just training right now." Fala said. "I'm not going anywhere in particular. Cinder and I need to get a lot stronger first, and we'll need new companions. Then, when we're ready, it's off to the Indigo Plateau."

    "Great, sounds like we're going the same way." Sami said. "You should tag along with me! It'd be a lot cooler to have a friend to travel with!"

    "But... you just met me." Fala said, dumbstruck by the suggestion.

    "Are you coming or not?" Samantha said, crossing her arms impatiently.

    "Uh... can I have some time to think about it?" Fala said, surprised that Samantha would so readily trust him, and not quite sure whether he should accept the offer.

    "Well, you're headed to Viridian City, right?" Samantha said. "That's where I'm going. You can just tag along with me for now, and decide once we get there, 'kay?"

    "Um... alright..." Fala said.

    "Good!" Sami said excitedly. "Then let's get going!" With those words, she continued heading towards Viridian City, with Pichu perched on her shoulder and Fala and Cinder walking not far behind her.
    Last edited by Flame1819; 17th August 2013 at 01:24 PM. Reason: Improvements!

  3. #3
    Wordsmith Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Champions

    Technically it's accurate - no spelling mistakes or grammar points that I can spot to pick up on. The narrative isn't bad, it kept my attention towards the end. Three things did bug me a bit. I thought you could have shown Misty to be Sami's mother by description rather than by stating it. That way we could see what Misty looks like now as well. Similarly, show, don't tell, when it comes down to Sami's preferred name.

    Er, oh yes, and I found Fala's entrance a little contrived. Well, not his entrance, more his choice to travel with Sami. It came across a bit too Manic Pixie Dream Girl for my liking, a bit "Hi, I've just met you! I like you, let's do stuff together!" "Uh, ok ..." I don't mean to be snide when I say this, it's just the best way I can make my point, you see

  4. #4
    The Smexy Assassin Flame1819's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Champions

    Right... thank you, Pavell! That really helps. Although with Fala's reasoning, believe it or not, the point was actually to make it seem a bit odd that he's going with her. Because... well, I suppose I can't really tell you. Spoilers and stuff~

    But yeah. Thanks very much, I really appreciate the review, and I'll work on fixing that stuff up! (I didn't even notice I forgot to describe Misty. My bad DX)

  5. #5
    The Smexy Assassin Flame1819's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Champions

    Well, I took the advice Pavell gave me and, hopefully, improved the first chapter. Without further ado, here's the second one!

    Chapter 2: Trouble in the City of Green!

    "So, this is Viridian City, huh?" Fala said, taking in the sight of the town they had just arrived in. "Not much to look at, I guess, but I can't say I expected much."

    "Haven't you ever been here?" Sami asked, surprised that Fala seemed to be unfamiliar with the town.

    "Nah, I'm afraid I haven't been anywhere other than Pallet." Fala said. "I just arrived here from Johto yesterday. Did you really think that a Houndour would be roaming around wild in Kanto?"

    "Well, I guess I didn't give it much thought." Sami admitted sheepishly. "But hey, coming with me will be a great way for you to explore Kanto! I'll be traveling all over to collect my gym badges, so you'll get to see everything with me!"

    "Heh, sounds pretty good." Fala said. "You really want this traveling partner thing, don't you?"

    "Well, I know my mom had some friends with her when she was traveling." Samantha said. "And my dad did too. Even my brother had friends with him. Besides, you don't seem like a bad person, so I figured you'd be a nice guy to have around."

    "I see." Fala said. "Well, anyway, I heard there's a gym in this town. Is that your first stop?"

    "No, it's closed down." Samantha explained. "The former leader turned out to be the boss of the criminal organization, Team Rocket."

    "Jeez." Fala said. "I guess they'll need a new gym leader, huh?"

    "Well, they've got eight gym leaders already, but I'm sure one of them is ready to retire." Samantha said. "You might end up working as the gym leader here. Who knows?"

    "Who knows indeed." Fala said. "Anyway, it's getting late. We should probably get to the Pokémon Center for the night, and get dinner."

    "I agree." Sami said. "Pichu? Cinder? What do you think?"

    "Chuu!" Pichu said, nodding in agreement. Cinder remained silent, but also nodded.

    "Alright, let's go, then!" Samantha said, leading the way towards the Pokémon Center. As they neared the building, Cinder began sniffing the air suspiciously, letting out a low growl. He kept his eyes trained on the top of the Center, although Samantha, Fala, and Pichu couldn't see what he was staring at. The automatic doors slid open, and they all proceeded inside, not giving a second thought about what Cinder had growled at.

    ***

    Atop the Pokémon Center, three figures sat, discussing with one another what they had seen. The trio was comprised of a boy and a girl, both about 20 years old, and a cat-like Pokémon. They were all holding binoculars, and the two humans wore white outfits adorned with a large, red letter "R" on the chest. The boy had shoulder-length crimson hair and green eyes, while the girl had long blonde hair tied back in a braided ponytail and brown eyes.

    "Did you see that amazing Pokémon those kids had with them?" The boy asked, grinning excitedly.

    "The Houndour?" The girl, Jamie, responded. "Of course I did. I've never seen one that color. No doubt the Boss would love to have it."

    "You're right about that." The boy said. "So, how are we gonna steal it?"

    "They're just like their parents." The Pokémon said to itself as the boy and girl formulated their plans. "Tryin' to steal some kid's Pokémon in the name of da boss. Makes me proud."

    "Did you say something, Meowth?" The boy asked.

    "Nah, nuthin' important." The Pokémon Meowth said. "But listen, dis is all about style. Ya needs a flashy entrance to stun the crowd while ya steals their Pokémon!"

    ***

    Samantha lay awake in her pale blue sleeping bag, holding Pichu up against her body. Not far off, Fala lay in his fiery red one, with Cinder curled up at his feet.

    "Still awake, Fala?" Sami said.

    "Yeah. I am." Fala said softly.

    "Do you ever miss your family?" Samantha asked quietly, her eyes glistening slightly.

    "I... grew up without my family." Fala said. "Cinder's the closest thing I have to one. I guess you're lucky you have a family to miss."

    "I guess so..." Samantha said.

    "First night away from home?" Fala said. "Must be rough. I'm sure you'll get used to it. Besides, you've got me, don't you? At least you're not entirely alone."

    "I guess you're right." Sami said, smiling a bit. "So you're definitely going with me, then?"

    "Eh, sure." Fala said. "I don't see why I shouldn't. I figured it'd be nice to have someone who knows what this region is like, and someone I can train with."

    "Thanks, Fala." Samantha whispered. "I'm glad you'll be coming with me."

    "No problem." Fala said. "Good night, Samantha."

    "Good night, Fala." She said, closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep.

    ***

    Samantha was not asleep for long before a loud crash interrupted her, as a circular panel fell from the ceiling and landed between her and Fala. The emergency lights immediately cut on, filling the Pokémon Center with a dim white light.

    "Wh-what's going on?!" Sami shouted, looking about frantically. "F-Fala?!"

    "Sh!" Fala hissed, silencing her. He didn't speak, but simply pointed up to the ceiling where the panel had fallen from. A set of three ropes were lowered from the ceiling, and a man, a woman, and a Pokémon dropped down from them.

    "Who are they?" Samantha asked, a hint of fear in her voice.

    "To engulf the world in devastation!" The boy shouted.

    "To enslave all peoples within our nation!" The girl chimed in.

    "To pronounce the evils of truth and love!"

    "To extend our grasp to the stars above!"

    "Jonathan!" The boy said.

    "Jamie!" The girl added, winking at Fala and Samantha, holding a rose in front of her lips.

    "Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"

    "Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

    "Meowth! Dat's right!" Shouted the small, cat-like Pokémon.

    "Who are those guys?" Fala asked, his eyes locked on the trio that had descended from the ceiling.

    "That must be Team Rocket." Samantha said. "My mother told me about them. They're a group of no-good Pokémon thieves! She said they were always trying to steal Pokémon from her and her friends when she was traveling."

    "The ones you're thinking of are our parents, actually." Jonathan said. "Jesse and James."

    "What do you want?!" Samantha shouted, her eyes blazing with hate.

    "Isn't it obvious?" Jamie said. "We want your Pokémon! Give them peacefully, and we won't have to hurt you!"

    "Yeah right!" Fala shouted. "As if I'd let scum like you take Cinder!"

    "So we're gonna have ta do dis da hard way, huh?" Meowth said.

    "Alright then, go! Seedot!" Jonathan said, sending out a small Pokémon resembling an acorn.

    "Have at them! Spinarak!" Jamie shouted, unleashing the spider Pokémon.

    "You ready, Pichu?" Samantha said, as electricity began to spark at Pichu's cheeks.

    "Let's do this, Cinder!" Fala said. Cinder obediently jumped in front of his master, glaring down Spinarak.

    "Alright, Spinarak, Poison Sting!" Jamie shouted.

    "Seedot, use Bullet Seed!" Jonathan commanded. Obediently, the two enemies fired their attacks, with a hail of stingers raining down on Cinder and a barrage of seeds being fired at Pichu.

    "Cinder, use Ember to block the stingers!" Fala ordered. Cinder opened its mouth wide, flames shooting out, engulfing the Poison Sting and keeping it from reaching Cinder.

    "Pichu jump to the right!" Sami said, and Pichu moved aside just before the Bullet Seed attack could land.

    "Pesky little brats." Jonathan said. "Seedot, use Quick Attack!"

    "See... dot!" Seedot said, slamming its body into Pichu, moving too quickly for Pichu to dodge. Pichu was knocked backwards, but quickly scrambled back to its feet.

    "Now, Spinarak, tie down that mutt's paws with String Shot!" Jamie said.

    "Spinaaaa!" Spinarak cried, firing sticky webbing at each of Cinder's paws, tying them to the floor.

    "Heh, too bad for you, that's not enough." Fala said. "Cinder, use Flamethrower!"

    "Hooouuuundouuurrrr!" Cinder howled, exhaling a stream of fire straight at Spinarak. The spider Pokémon was engulfed in the strike, and instantly knocked out.

    "No way..." Jamie said, shocked. "How could he take down Spinarak in only a single blow?!" She called back Spinarak as Fala and Cinder frantically worked to free Cinder's paws.

    "Now, Pichu, use Thundershock!" Samantha shouted.

    "Piiii chuuuuu!" Pichu exclaimed, firing a small bolt of electricity at Seedot. The attack struck, knocked Seedot to the ground.

    "Get back up, Seedot!" Jonathan said. Seedot staggered back to its feet, panting slightly.

    "Meowth, how come you're not fighting?!" Jamie shouted.

    "Eh, like I'd ever listen to yous two." Meowth said. "Come back when yer stronger."

    "Had enough yet?" Samantha said.

    "Never!" Jonathan said. "Those Pokémon will be ours! Seedot, use Take Down!"

    "Dooooot!" Seedot exclaimed, slamming its body with such force into Pichu that it knocked itself out. Pichu was flung backwards by the strike, landing dazed by Samantha's feet.

    "Pichu!" She shouted, picking up and cradling the mouse Pokémon in her arms. "Are you okay?!"

    "Chuu..." Pichu whimpered, not even opening its eyes.

    "Gr... they're too strong, Jonathan." Jamie said. "I guess a head-on attack wasn't the best idea." At that moment, the wailing of police sirens reached their ears.

    "Let's get outta here!" Meowth shouted, climbing up the rope that he had dropped down from. Jonathan and Jamie quickly followed behind him, and the three scrambled into their Meowth hot air balloon, taking off as the police began to arrive.

    "Don't think you've seen the last of us!" Jonathan shouted. "Team Rocket will be back for that Houndour!"

    "Sami, are you okay?" Fala asked, walking over to her after he had freed Cinder.

    "Yeah, I'm fine." She said. "But I'm not sure about Pichu..."

    "Well, at least we're in a Pokémon Center." Fala said, smiling at her. "You did well for your first real battle. Sorry that it was a rough one. You go get Pichu taken care of, and Cinder and I will talk to Officer Jenny, okay?"

    "Okay." Samantha said. "Thanks, Fala. I don't think I would've been able to hold them off on my own."

    "Don't worry about it." Fala said, rubbing the back of his neck. "They probably wouldn't have attacked if Cinder and I weren't here, anyway." With that, he and Cinder walked over to Officer Jenny, and began explaining what had happened to her.

    "Is your Pichu okay?" Nurse Joy asked, walking up from behind Samantha.

    "No, I don't think so." Sami said. "He was hurt pretty bad. Do you think you could help him?"

    "Sure, I'd be happy to." Nurse Joy said, smiling and taking Pichu from Samantha. "Don't worry, he'll be all better by morning! I suggest you get some sleep, okay?"

    "Thanks." Samantha said. "I will." She then lay down in her sleeping bag once again, waiting for Fala to get back.

    "Did you explain everything?" Sami asked Fala once he had also laid down in his sleeping bag.

    "Yeah." Fala said. "I told Jenny about Team Rocket. She said that it's not the first time they've caused trouble here, but lately Team Rocket as a whole has become more active. Anyway, she and her sisters are on the lookout. It's nothing for us to worry about. We should get some sleep, it's more journeying tomorrow."

    "You're right." Samantha said. "But I can't just let them go if I see them again. Stealing Pokémon from their trainers is a terrible thing to do. They disgust me."

    "Well, you can give them what's coming to them if we see them again." Fala said. "Good night." It wasn't long before he fell asleep, indicated by his gentle snoring.

    "Good night, Fala." Sami said. "And... thank you." She smiled, closing her eyes and falling asleep as well.

    ***

    "So, you say these kids had an oddly colored Houndour with them?" Giovanni's voice crackled through the phone that Jonathan was holding between himself and Jamie. It was set to speaker so that they both could communicate with the boss of Team Rocket at the same time.

    "Yes sir." Jonathan said. "It was quite strong. We were no match for it."

    "And what of the girl? What did she have?" Giovanni asked.

    "Just a Pichu." Jamie said. "Nothing special."

    "Take it anyway, we could always sell it." Giovanni responded.

    "Understood, sir." Jonathan said. "But what about our Pokémon? They can't battle right now."

    "I'll send you two more to use however you want." Giovanni said. "A pair of Pidgey will drop them off by morning. Don't screw this up." With those words, he hung up.

    "Worthless, just like their parents." Giovanni said to his pet Persian, stroking it affectionately on the head. "I'll send them the two Pokémon nobody wants. It's not like they'll ever succeed, anyway, so there's no harm in killing two birds with one stone. I can get rid of those two creatures and keep that trio of idiots occupied and out of my hair for a while."

    ***

    "Here's your Pichu, ma'am." Nurse Joy said, handing Pichu back to Samantha. "He should be all fixed up. Quite a little fighter you've got there."

    "Thank you very much, Nurse Joy." Sami said as Pichu took up his usual perch on her left shoulder.

    "I should be the one thanking you two." Nurse Joy said, giving Fala and Samantha a kind smile. "You protected the Pokémon Center and all of the injured, defenseless Pokémon in here from those thugs. We really owe you."

    "It was nothing, really." Samantha said, returning the smile. "It was the right thing to do, after all. Ready to go, Fala?"

    "Of course I am, I've been waiting on you, remember?" Fala said.

    "Thanks again Nurse Joy! Bye!" Samantha said as she and Fala headed out of the Pokémon Center.

    "Good luck you two!" Nurse Joy called after them, waving.

    And so, our heroes set off towards Pewter City once again. Their next destination: Viridian Forest!
    Last edited by Flame1819; 18th August 2013 at 02:29 PM. Reason: Improvements!

  6. #6
    .______. Elysia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Champions

    Hi!

    This is going to be an organic and awkwardly free-form review wherein I put stuff in the order that I think it. Sort of. Make of it what you will?

    First things first, a quick note on dialogue:
    When you write out the dialogue in your story, the commas are a little whack. For example,
    [quote"Thank you very much, Nurse Joy." Sami said as Pichu took up his usual perch on her left shoulder.[/quote]
    totally not the first thing I saw when I scrolled up
    Think of this quotation above in two parts--the part that is being said (Thank you very much, Nurse Joy) (calling it A for simplicity), and the part that describes what was said (Sami said as blah blah blah) (calling it B for simplicity). While A can probably stand on its own, B doesn't really make sense by itself because A and B are actually part of the same sentence. There's no reason to have a period separating them; you want a comma instead. It should look like this:
    "Thank you very much, Nurse Joy," Sami said as Pichu took up his usual perch on her left shoulder.
    It's a little nitpicky, but those commas need to be there instead of the periods. UNLESS,
    "And... thank you." She smiled, closing her eyes and falling asleep as well.
    Some people make this mistake. You haven't, but in case you go back and mass correct the dialogue, you should keep this in mind.
    Notice here that while there is still a what is being said (And thank you), there's nothing describing what is being said. Sami is smiling, but it's unrelated to what she said (well, we know that she's happy, but it doesn't describe how she says it), so the two parts are separate sentences. Therefore, we can keep the comma.

    I probably messed up that explanation a lot. If I didn't make much sense, I'll gladly try to clarify: commas are tricky business. Also, there are lots of online sites that can help, like, uh... this one. Yeah. This one.


    Since this is only the second update, there's not so much I can say about plot (that's not a bad thing, by the way; I'm just pointing it out). However, you've got a bunch of characters so far, so I'll start talking about those instead.

    Your main character is Sami/Samantha, who is the daughter of Misty and someone else I think. noticeably absent father is noticeably absent I have to admit, when I see "child of [insert canon character here] and "trusty pichu" in the same summary, I get nervous. Very nervous. A quick perusal of any fanfiction site reveals hundreds of stories/OCs that fit the exact same mold, and it becomes quite difficult to differentiate your story from the rest when the main characters are so similar. I'm not saying that it's particularly bad or wrong to write about the travels of the anime cast's kids or whatever, but you have to keep in mind that you're writing in a genre that many people have done before, and standing out from the crowd becomes quite difficult.

    With that in mind, you should ask yourself the two main questions of character/world/story building: why and how. Why does your character have [insert trait], and how is having [insert trait] important to the story?

    For instance, we'll look at Sami's pichu. Why did you decide that Sami's starter pokemon has to be a pichu? You don't have to tell me, obviously, 'cause spoilers, but you need to have reasons for a lot of things in your story, especially important concepts like starters. Once you've figured that out, you've also go to find a way to differentiate Sami and her pichu from the hundreds of other OCs and their pichu (or eevee or riolu or whatever).

    And then Fala. Why does Fala have a shiny houndour, and how is that important to the story besides coolness factor an incentive for new-Team Rocket to stalk the heroes around?

    Um. Point being, a lot of concepts that you've got so far for your characters are quite generic. There are more pokemon fanfictions than I can shake a stick at, and quite a few of them are journey fics that have a very similar concept to yours--so what makes your story different from the others? What makes your story more appealing than theirs? At the moment, your story is... alomst generic, I guess? That's something you want to avoid like the plague.

    Right now, Sami comes across as Ash as a girl. Ash is a fairly flat character himself, and there's certainly not much compelling about him, and if I want to see Ash and a pi(ka)chu go around Kanto with a travelling buddy, fight Team Rocket, and collect the badges, I can just as easily watch the anime. You need to focus on making your characters unique (not special, as in magical powers or stunning awesomeness or something, but unique). Not their pokemon, not their friends, not their parents, but themselves. If we take away everything about Sami besides Sami (as in, we take out the fact that she's Misty's daughter, the pichu, Fala, her appearance, etc etc), what's leftover? We have a girl who doesn't like people who steal other people's pokemon and is very trusting to strangers despite being eleven.

    You might want to take a Mary Sue Test for Sami, or even a Pokemon Mary Sue Test. If the term "Mary Sue" doesn't make sense to you and I'm just throwing words around, ask me and I can clarify; I don't want to start lecturing about something that you already know about, haha.

    On the whole, yeah. Lots of why/how questions that I think you should look at, but you've got a promising start!

  7. #7
    The Smexy Assassin Flame1819's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Champions

    Thanks, Elysia. That's actually pretty helpful to me. As far as the comma thing goes, I'll try to fix that. And characters, well... yes, they're generic. I haven't had time to properly develop them yet, which makes me a bit irritated. Because I've got a more fleshed out character in my head, but since it's early in the story, I can't really get them to seem THAT different. But I've got time to at least fix that. Also the noticeably absent father is going to be important, so that's why he's not yet mentioned. I'm not the type of guy to leave out details like that and leave people wondering. I like to keep questions about aspects of plot/character to a minimum by the end, if there are any.

    But yeah, thanks a ton! Also, I haven't even gotten into the real plot of it yet anyway. There's a bit more depth than it would seem right now. Of course, you can't really tell because those important details that really differentiate it from other things are stuck in my head and won't start appearing 'til next chapter. And even then, it won't be immediate. Dramatic buildup and such.

    Honestly, though, it's a Pokémon fic. That in itself kinda makes it generic, because there is literally no way to create a fic about someone going on a Pokémon related adventure without there being a lot of similar stories. There are just SO MANY POKÉMON FICS. Finding an original idea in them that you haven't seen before is like trying to find a Shiny Pokémon: it's rare, everyone wants to find one, finding one makes you really happy, and the easiest way to get them is to cheat.

  8. #8
    Wordsmith Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Champions

    Right, I'm going to throw together a few thoughts ... I'm a bit tipsy, so bear with me.

    First of all, technically it's still not bad. When you're proof-reading, try and imagine that you haven't seen your fic before. Since you're mostly using Sami's point of view, try and imagine things through her eyes - that'll tell you what details to mention and when. A couple of things I can suggest to improve on:

    climbing up the rope that conveniently dropped down from the hole in the ceiling
    See, here you've had to lampshade yourself by calling it "convenient". I'd suggest instead describing Team Rocket dropping through the roof by rope in the first place. That way the reader knows the rope is there as an escape.

    "I guess a head-on attack wasn't the best idea. Besides, I think I hear the police."
    Here I think you've tried to do too much with one sentence. This ties in with the point of view point I made earlier. Instead you could describe sirens in the background - maybe Sami notices them above the noise of the battle. This is something you can do in general with your writing. We're all Pokémon fans, so we know what Viridian City looks like, but does Sami? Has she been there before? What you describe is what Sami notices, and you can use that to tell the reader what kind of person Sami is.

    Another example. In the anime, May never says "I'm a big foodie", but we repeatedly see her make a bee-line for restaurants so we know she is anyway. Some food for thought (Hurr-durr).

    In terms of plot and character, I assume it's supposed to be very anime-esque. I'm ok with that, that's your style. I wouldn't call Sami a Mary Sue (I don't like that term anyway) ... but I would treat the idea that she's Misty's daughter as an opportunity. Try and think, how would that affect her growing up? I'd assume that she's know a lot about Gyms and the League and Water Pokémon. Maybe she's picked up some of Misty's habits. More likely Misty's matured and isn't as short-tempered as he used to be, but perhaps Sami is. Again, show rather than tell.

    I'd take the same approach to your MkII TRio, by the way.

    Keep going!

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