Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal , Metallic Silver(Questshipping)

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Thread: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal , Metallic Silver(Questshipping)

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    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal , Metallic Silver(Questshipping)

    Based on the Pokemon Adventures manga, this is what I think should be a second adventure in the second gen so you'll be seeing what I think should be added.

    This is mainly about Gold and Kris, or Cris (Crystal) her name might change in future chapters depending which on which is it since I don't remember, well the two are travelling on a mission to complete their four year old Pokedex and get the data on all the Pokemon from Sinnoh and some from Hoenn.

    They also has to defeat the new Team Rocket that's seeking revenge on Gold cause they believe he killed Mask of Ice one of the previous leaders of Team Rocket. Also Silver represents a great part in this trying to find more roots about his dad Giovanny he has started to research on the rest of his family and discover how his dad turned to the path of evil

    Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    Chapter 1: You’re So Purugly

    The sun was as always shining down on New Bark town; the little town situated on the outs of Johto was playful as always. People were walking around the town stores, or playing games on the game stands, kids were swimming on the river or they were playing with boats on the bridge that united the two sides of the town.

    Far from the city there was a house on a plain, a big wooden fence that covered the four sides of the two floored bricked house. On the second floor a kid is putting some stuff on his grey backpack. He wears a red jacket with a yellow and black hat, a black hair sticking out from the hat which he wore backwards, his confident face and yellow eyes looking down at the backpack.

    “Come on Ataro” Gold looked over at his bed, a purple colored monkey was jumping on the bed, and it had a hand for a tail with long yellow ears and a funny looking round face with two wide eyes. The Aipom jumped on its owner’s head and looked at the squared looking machine, which had the figure of a pokéball in the middle and a small green button on the middle of the pokéball.

    He walked over to the brown desk on the other side of his room and grabbed his white goggles; they were a little dusty but with just a few wipes it was practically shining. He put the goggles over the hat and grinned. “Can’t get out without these either can we” he laughed and started walking out of his room.

    His mom was sitting on the living room watching some TV, she had black hair cut to the sides and was wearing a white apron with a long yellow skirt. He got down to the living room and ran over to the kitchen counter to grab a burger. “Good morning Gold” she said as she got up from the couch and walked over to her son. “You’re all packed up?”

    “Yep” Gold gave her a thumb up. “I’m meeting Kris in Professor Elm’s lab and then we’ll be leaving for Goldenrod” Gold swallowed the burger. “Guess I’ll be out for a while, but Professor Oak really wants Kris and me to finish our Pokédex” he laughed while putting his hand behind his head.

    “Yeah, now don’t be having a lot of fun with Crystal” his mom winked her right eye. Gold chuckled a little.

    “I gave up on her years ago, we’re just friends now” Gold nodded his head. “Although I won’t guarantee I won’t be behind a lot of girls while I’m travelling” he chuckled again.

    ”Yeah that’s just what every mother wants to hear” she sighed and walked outside. “Just remember, to watch out for danger and to take care of yourself” she giggled and Gold nodded at her comment.

    Gold walked out of his house and ran over to the entrance. “Well, guess this is goodbye” Gold waved at his mom one last time before running off with Ataro on his head. “Okay Ataro, ready to travel once more” Gold looked up and saw the little monkey nodding. “Okay return” he returned it into its pokéball and then it started jumping inside.

    “Let’s move faster” Gold kneeled down and got his skateboard out from his backpack. “The scooter’s being repaired, so we’ll have to use this” Gold jumped on the skateboard and skated off. He constantly looked down at his belt to check that his six pokéball were still there. “Go Explotaro ride with us.”

    Then a big looking dog came out, it had a spiky black hair on its back and yellow hair on the front with a long neck that ended up on a beast looking mouth, it had four legs; but it seemed like it could go in two, it also had red spots on its back. The Typhlosion smiled and started running next to its trainer.

    “I know, its being a long time since you came out, but you almost burned our house last time” Gold shook his head as he passed through the stores. He waved hi to the people and crossed the bridge, and then he started doing some tricks on his skateboard so he could impress some girls that were nearby.

    Gold winked at them as he passed by. “They want me, and they can’t hide it” he started laughing and saw the exit to New Bark coming up; after that he turned right and started riding over to a small house near a grass fields far from the stores. “I wonder if they’re even awake, Kris told me she’s been doing some research, and when she’s determined she can do anything” he laughed nervously.

    He grabbed his Skateboard and put it inside his backpack; which had a lot of space. Gold jumped over the gate and started walking to the house. It looked like a white two floored house, although most of the first floor was as research center, and the rest was the rooms of the house, Gold should know he snuck in there four years before.

    Gold knocked on the door. “Hey Elm, or Oak or Kris open up!” he yelled; after a few seconds he heard some footsteps coming to the door. The door opened up and Gold was facing a girl. She was wearing a pink long sleeve jacket that only covered half her back, she was wearing an orange shirt, she had a long black hair that was combed on two sides and she was wearing a pair of short shorts both in black and yellow just like Gold’s own shorts, she also had a white hat and two star shaped earring.

    “Oh hey Gold, you’re here early I thought we’ll have to go pick you up” she narrowed her eyes at him.

    “Very funny Kris, now let me in” Kris moved aside and let Gold walk inside the lab. “So where are Elm and Oak?” he asked. Kris was professor Oak’s assistant which meant that the professor was there too for a visit.

    He went to the room next to it. There were two people in it, the first one was a man with a white lab coat, he had a pair of glasses and a brown hair that was combed up, he had kind of a nerdy look on his eyes, he was wearing a pair of brown pants and a blue shirt.

    The other was a man around his mid sixties, he had a silver hair and was wearing a lab coat just like Elm, he wore a pair of beige pants and a pair of brown moccasins, he looked a little shorter than Elm but the look on his eyes sure was wiser.

    “Oh hey Gold” Oak smiled at Gold and walked over to him. “Nice to see you again my boy” the two of them shook hands.

    “Hi Gold” Elm said; this one when Gold noticed they were researching a Purugly. It looked like a big fat purple fur cat, it had white fur under it, and it had a long tail and a big ugly face with two long ears and zigzagged whiskers.

    “Is that a Purugly, what are you doing with it?” Gold started walking over at the Purugly. “Did Kris catch it?”

    “No” Professor Oak said. “A Pokedex Holder in the Sinnoh Region caught it and transferred it here” Oak said and showed him the data. “She’s being sending a lot of Sinnoh Pokemon lately, maybe you’ll meet her, I hear she’s coming over here” Oak smiled.

    “I see, wow this girl looks cute” Gold chuckled as he looked at the picture. Kris frowned once she came in.

    “You better not get distracted while we travel, remember we’re going to investigate the parts of Johto that have new Pokemon” she said.

    “Don’t worry Kris” Gold waved his hand like a fan. “Just mind your own business, I’m just there to help” he said with a tired look.

    “I’m just saying, you should focus, which you’re not doing right now” Kris pulled from his ear. “Okay?”

    “Ow, ow, okay let me go!” he yelled and Kris lost her grip.

    “Just to know where we stand” she giggled and smiled.

    “Well, we better go” Gold started walking off but Kris stopped him.

    “We need to look at your Pokemon first, they need to be healed” Kris took his pokeball and took them to the healing machine.


    “Is it ready yet!!?” Gold yelled after a few minutes, he really wanted to get done with it.

    “Here it is” Kris said with annoyance. “Remember we have to be careful, we can’t deal with having a Pokémon weak enough as to lose with just one hit if we battle” Kris said.

    “Yeah, whatever, let’s just get going” Gold got up and frowned when they heard and explosion coming from the researching room. “What was that?” he turned to Kris.

    “I don’t know, but let’s check it out” they started running into the researching room. When they got to the research room they saw Professor Oak and Professor Elm trying to dodge Purugly’s Hyper Beam attacks. “Gold, Kris, you have to stop it!” Elm yelled while hiding under a desk.

    “Leave it up to me” Gold grinned and got one of his pokéballs out.

    “Gold, I’ll do it” Kris got in front and put a pokéball on the floor, but Gold stopped her.

    “This is another Trainer’s Pokémon, we have to return it, not catch it, plus it’s probably full of energy right now, even if you’re a Pro Catcher, you still have to weaken it a lot” Gold put the pokéball on the floor, then he got a stick out from his backpack and then he made the stick grow till it became a billiard cue. He put the cue over the ball and hit it as the ball started bouncing on the wall.

    The ball kept bouncing making the Purugly dizzy. Then it bounced off the floor and hit Purugly on its face. The pokéball popped open and a tree like Pokémon came out, it was brown and had two arms with two branch looking arms and green spheres in every branch, it had some kind of small plant on its head and various yellow spots on its chest.

    “Okay Utaro, use Frail” the Sudowodo ran at Purugly and started shaking its arms; it hit Purugly on the face and pushed it to the wall. “Nice” Gold grinned.

    Purugly growled at Utaro and fired a ball of dark energy. “Utaro use Mimic” Utaro charged for a moment and then fired a ball that looked just like Purugly’s. “Now use Low Kick” Utaro slid on the floor and kicked Purugly onto a shell, the shell fell down once Purugly bounced off.

    “Okay Kris” Gold raised his cue. “I’m almost done with it, your turn” he said and walked behind Kris.

    She put Purugly’s pokéball on the floor and kicked it with her right leg. The ball sped up and it was so fast Purugly was returned instantly once it got hit “It may not be a wild Pokémon, but that still counts as a successful captured for the pro” Kris smiled and walked over to the pokéball that was on the floor.

    “Yeah, you don’t have to point it out every time you know” Gold frowned and looked away.

    “Wow, not too sharp there Kris, neither were you Gold I see being off for some time didn’t affected you much” Oak said after he walked up to the two of them. “Give me your Pokédex” he stretched his hands out.

    Gold glanced at Kris and then the two of them gave Oak their Pokédexes. “What do you want them for professor?” Kris asked.

    “I’m going to upgrade your Pokédexes, here’s the new model I’ve been making” he gave them a rectangle shaped machine, it had to screens once you opened it, it came with a camera and some kind of scanner on the side of it, on the down screen there were buttons in which you could select a Pokémon, and in the upper part was the picture of the Pokémon.

    Gold look at his Pokédex it was golden and he noticed Kris’s was kind of a pink shaded Pokédex. “They come in colors?”

    “Yeah, I think it’s time to be more I don’t know creative, this way it’s easier” Oak nodded his head.

    “Don’t worry professor we’ll use them wisely” Kris said. After the two of them transferred the data from their old Pokédexes to their new ones, once they were done; they were finally ready to leave the lab.


    Gold breathed in some air, Explotaro was looking at the sky together with him, it was standing in four legs. “You hear that, that’s the wind, the wind that’s going to fear us once we start travelling, cause we’re back in action” Gold grinned while clenching his fist.

    “You’re too cocky” Kris shook her head and walked up to him. “Well go to Goldenrod and then we’ll take the electric train to Saffron City” she said.

    “Why are we going to Kanto?” Gold asked with a curious look on his face.

    “There’s more Pokémon there, from every region” Kris nodded her head while smiling. “This way we’ll get more data for our Pokédex, plus we’ll get to explore Kanto” she walked in front of Gold.

    “Great, that means we might see Red again, I’ll show him how much I’ve improved since he trained me” Gold smirked while pointing at himself. “Okay then Kris, let’s go and show Kanto how the Johto Pokédex Holders do it” Kris nodded and the two of them started running.

    Gold got his skateboard out while Kris walked to the corner of the fence and picked up her new bike. Then the two rode off into the road.

    “Hey Kris can we stop by Cherrygrove first?” Gold asked her after a few minutes.

    “Sure, what for?” Kris asked.

    “I need to pick up my Scooter” he said looking over at the sun again preparing for what could happen on the future.
    Last edited by Flaze; 30th April 2009 at 04:19 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User woops's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    This is interesting, seeingwhat's happeningg in the beginning. I've always liked the Johto cast of things. You have a good beginning, and about perfect grammar. I'll enjoy a second chapter, if one comes up.
    (Starts reminiscing about the awsomeness of gen 2)

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    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    well written chapter. I look forward to reading more.

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    Fire Ferrets Forever Mako's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    I like it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ariel
    Everyone has had a crush on Hips. :B

  5. #5
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    Still Skarmony

    The lush forest of Route 29, the trees were still wet from the rain in the previous day. The floors full of puddles and the wild Pokémon were still sleeping. Except bird Pokémon who came flying like torpedoes at the sight of the sun, the leaves of the trees getting blown off.

    Today’s the first day of winter, which means bird Pokémon are migrating so that they can survive the cold season, Pokémon like Pidgeot, Swablu, Staravia or even rare flying Pokémon like Skarmony are flying around the Route getting ready to go to their new homes.

    The Pokémon changed to an alarmed mood as they saw something speeding up behind them. It was a barrage of pokéballs. The flying Pokémon started using attacks to block the pokéballs; but the pokéballs acted as if they were alive and in the end ended up crashing with them and caught them.

    The pokéballs bounced of the floor and started rolling and crashing with the trees. The Marsh Balls, Timer Balls and Heal Balls were still trying to hold the Pokémon off. Someone walked over to the many pokéballs and started grabbing them one by one.

    “Hitmonee go get me those over there” Chris said to a humanoid Pokémon with red gloves, it had a blue fighting suit and it had some kind of brown armor that looked like a crown on the head. The Hitmonchan started picking up the pokéballs that were scattered.

    “I wonder where Gold is, he left the camp site as soon as the sun came out” Chris said wiping off the sweat on her forehead. “Oh well, he has his own life I got mine, we should just leave it like that shouldn’t we” she frowned and started picking more pokéballs.


    Gold was resting near a waterfall, the clear water rushing down almost getting out of the trench and hitting his face. He wasn’t wearing his red jacket; so he only had his black undershirt. “It’s such a nice day, I think I might just stay here the whole day” he said looking sideways a scooter was next to one of the trees tied around a tree branch.

    “Good thing Chris and I got to Cherrygrove fast, now I got my scooter back, and we can move faster” he looked up again. “But, it’s not the same, not without Silver travelling with us, he’ll probably won’t even want to” he stopped and looked down. “But we’re a team we’re suppose to travel as one” he said while clenching his fist.

    He rested on the floor again. “But, I guess when you’re trying to find out more about his roots you don’t have time for that, besides knowing his dad was the leader of Team Rocket that’s all he knows about his family” he said closing his eyes again.

    Ataro walked over to him and started looking up at the sky together with him. “Well at least we can enjoy this fresh air again” he said smiling and then he got up and put his red jacket again. “Well we better go back with Chris, we’ll be getting to Violet City soon” he said as he walked up to his scooter, got on it and started riding off into the forest.

    After a few minutes he finally found Chris packing up their things. “About freakin time, I thought I was about to leave without you!” Chris yelled and threw Gold’s backpack into his arms. “Now move, I want to get to Violet before noon” Chris smiled and started riding on her bicycle.

    Violet City was just ahead, everyone was walking around the little city, the houses were all lined up, and kids were playing around. There were monks walking over to the Sprout towers; in which Gold went once where he had his second battle against Silver. “Wow its sure being a long time since I was here” Gold said looking around the city.

    “Same for me, I used to work at the Pokémon Academy down the corner, that’s actually how I started out before Professor Oak recruited me” Chris said as she started walking deeper into the city.

    Gold didn’t listen to Chris because he was thinking of her in a school uniform with a small skirt. “Wow” he said after a few minutes.

    He finally snapped out when Chris punched him on the stomach. “Pervert!” she yelled as, she kicked him where a man doesn’t want to be kick. “Why do I bother” she frowned and started walking off.

    “Where are you going?” Gold asked her while trying to recover his breath. “Damn, why did she have to hit me so hard” Gold let himself fall on the floor in a piercing pain.


    Gold was walking around Violet reminiscing back at when he went there with Explotaro and Ataro, back then he only had two Pokémon with him and Explotaro was a Cindaquil. Back then he still didn’t know what he wanted to do and thinking back at it, he still doesn’t know.

    “I wonder where Falkner is, last time I was here I helped him get his Skarmony so he owes me, it helped him a lot during the Gym Leader Tournament four years ago” he said while breathing in a lot of air.

    He saw a robber running past him followed by someone else. The guy had a long blue hair that covered his left eyes, he wore a white robe with a blue robe jacket, and he had black bands around both of his hands. The guy was flying on his Pidgeot as he chased after the burglar. “Speaking of the devil” Gold said grinning after he saw Falkner pass by.

    Gold started chasing after Falkner and the burglar on his scooter. “We have to help him out like we always do” Gold enlarged his cue and took one of the pokéballs on his belt. He hit the ball with the cue and sent it flying towards the burglar; the burglar got hit by the ball and fell down to the floor. Then the pokéball popped open.

    The Pokémon looked like a toad, it had a green body with a round yellow belly, it had a pair of yellow palms and yellow feet, and it also had a small hair sticking out from its head and pink cheeks. “Go Poltaro use Dizzy Punch” the Politoed jumped and punched the burglar with a rainbow colored fist.

    Once the burglar fell down his eyes started spinning. Falkner ran over to him and cuffed him. “Violet City police you’re under arrest” Falkner said pushing the burglar up from the ground. “Hope you enjoy jail” he said.

    Falkner noticed Gold who was waving at him while grinning widely; he also had the Cue behind his neck while holding it with his two arms. “Oh hey Gold, long times no see” Falkner said he threw the burglar down; figuring he was pretty dizzy as to actually get up.

    “I know I see you’re still a policeman” Gold said chuckling.

    “It’s a full time job Gold” Falkner said.

    “Hatching Pokémon isn’t so easy” he said. “You try spending for years trying to perfect an ability that you barely understand yourself” Gold laughed.

    “Yeah guess you’re right, let me get this guy to the station and then we can go talk” Falkner said grabbing the guy again as the two started walking off.


    Gold and Falkner were inside the gym. It looked like a big dome with the symbol of two silver wings on them. “So this is a gym, looks big” Gold said looking over at the cages that decorated the gym. “Just like everyone says” Gold saw a few Gym Assistants feeding the flying Pokémon so he took his chance to let his own Pokémon get food.

    “Yeah, a gym is a big place and it’s a place which needs a lot of care and carefulness, and being a gymleader it’s not so easy either” Falkner nodded his head after he came with two glasses of tea. “You have to take challenges the whole day, at least a Pokédex Holder you get to travel around” he started drinking his tea.

    “I heard that from Blue” Gold said he looked down at his tea and started drinking.

    “So what are you doing here?” Falkner asked after a few seconds of drinking.

    “Chris and I left New Bark two days ago, we’re going to Kanto catch some Pokémon from Sinnoh, since it’s closer and it has Pokémon from all the regions Chris can get a lot of catches and I might get some info too” Gold said shrugging.

    “And where’s Chris?” Falkner asked again seeing how Gold was starting to get annoyed.

    “She’s visiting her old home, she used to work and live in the Pokémon Academy” Gold said leaning on the chair.

    “How about a battle” Falkner got up. “I’ll like to know how much you’ve improved since the last time we faced each other” Falkner grinned looking at Gold.

    “Sure, but be careful, I could destroy your Pokémon” Gold chuckled confidently and took out a pokéball.

    Falkner pressed a button that was under his chair. He got up and got Gold up as the two walked to different sides, the machine started letting out big noises as the seats and floor went in while a Pokémon field started coming out from under the gym. Gold stared at the field; in one sense this could actually be the first time he’ll be fighting in a Pokémon field.

    “You ready Gold” Falkner got out his Great Ball. “Cause you can always give up” he chuckled looking at Gold who was looking down.

    Gold got his cue out. Then Falkner took a step back and threw the ball, it started flying towards Gold; it wasn’t even spinning it was just flying. “What the hell?” Gold jumped out of the way, but he didn’t notice the ball turning around as it flew past his face making a small cut. Falkner cut it again grabbing what seemed to be a sharp end that used to be transparent before.

    “I assume you have forgotten that I got my own equip set of pokéballs right, or how I like to call them Boomeball” Falkner gave Gold a mocking smile. “As you can remember, I have to thank you if it wasn’t for your help on capturing Skarmony four years ago, I wouldn’t be able to use the steel feathers it lets out and attach it to my Great and pokéballs” Falkner nodded his head preparing to throw the Boomeball again.

    “I got my own custom ball” Gold grinned and got one of his own pokéballs out. “I made the trade today, so now all of my Pokémon are in what I call the Gold Ball” he said as he took out a gold and white colored pokéball from his belt.

    “What does it do?” Falkner asked.

    Gold just positioned the ball and hit it with the cue, Falkner threw the Boomeball as both ball crashed with each other. A giant vulture like bird appeared its body was fully metallic it had a long peck with sharp feathers coming out of its wings, long metallic legs and a sharp tail. Skarmony was prepared to attack but once the Gold Ball opened it let out a huge light that blinded everyone; except Gold who took his chance to put on his goggles.

    “Now Explotaro, Flame Wheel!” Gold yelled pointing his cue forward as Explotaro came out and let out a wheel of glowing flames from its fiery vane. Skarmony got hit by the Flame Wheel and winced in pain.

    “Skarmony use Steel Wing” Falkner ordered. After the light faded Skarmony’s wings turned metallic and it flew straight at Explotaro.

    “I’m not gonna let you do that” Gold dashed off as Explotaro jumped out of the way. “Now Explotaro use your Flamethrower” Explotaro fired a huge jet of burning orange flames that crashed against Skarmony sending it flying back.

    “Skarmony don’t let it beat you, use Swift” Skarmony flew up far away from Explotaro as it fired a barrage of glowing feathers down at Explotaro. Explotaro got hit by they feathers and got sent back.

    “Now Sky Attack” Skarmony dove down as it crashed with Explotaro’s body after gathering energy. “Now, I’ll switch before it recovers” Falkner proceeded to get another Boomeball out.

    But he didn’t noticed that Gold ran over to his side, Gold pushed his cue forward as it enlarged, Falkner jumped out making the cue crash with the floor instantly; but then the cue curved and bounced back going straight through Falkner’s robe tearing the threads around his robe apart; the sound of the Boomeballs falling into the floor was loud thanks to the steel wings.

    “I got you Falkner” Gold Grinned as her ran in to the field passed Explotaro and turned around looking at a startled Falkner who had just picked up one of his Boomeballs. Falkner threw the ball at the field.

    “Explotaro, Blast Burn!” Gold yelled as Explotaro charged and fired a huge jet of red glowing burning flames that increased the heat of the room making Gold and Falkner sweat and the waves of heat were starting to burn Skarmony. The attack covered both Skarmony and the Boomeball that had just gotten in front of it.

    Once the flames were gone Gold took off his goggles. “I win” he grinned before he saw another flying Pokémon coming out of the flames it had brown feather with a few red feathers on its head, fury red eyes a small orange beak white feathers on its chest and short orange talons with black paws.

    “Let me introduce you to Staraptor, my new Pokémon” Falkner started chuckling. “Now you’ll see my true power Gold”

    “I can still beat you, it’ll be easy against a Staraptor” Gold smiled confidently looking at Falkner.

    “Not really Gold, I guess you don’t remember” Falkner started. “But after Blast Burn you have to wait some time to use another attack, enough time for my Staraptor to finish you off” he grinned evilly looking down at Gold

    Gold gasped discovering what Falkner meant. *He’s right…how could I forget* Gold thought alarmed.

    “Now, let’s finish this without Explotaro moving, you’re toast Staraptor Brave Bird!” Falkner yelled as Staraptor dove down covering itself with blue energy as it started flying down at Explotaro and alarmed Gold looking at it with a scared look ready for the worse.

    TO BE CONTINUED…

  6. #6
    Fanfiction Critic Silawen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    I figured I'd review another story while I had the time, so I ended up at yours. Hopefully my review will be of help to you. ^^ Let me know if you have any questions or would like me to elaborate on something.

    ~

    The sun was as always shining down on New Bark Town. The little town situated on the outskirts of Johto was playful as always. People were walking around the town stores, or playing games on the game stands. Kids were swimming in the river or they were playing with toy boats on the bridge that united the two sides of the town.
    Now, this is the opening paragraph of your story and is therefore the very first thing someone sees of you as a writer and storyteller. This can make or break a story for a reader, because if the beginning is shoddy, then they're probably going to think the rest is as well. So it's important that you make sure the start is solid.

    First of all, the name of the town is 'New Bark Town'. It's not a town named 'New Bark', the 'town' bit is part of the name, so it gets a capital. New Bark Town.

    You can't really conjoin the first two sentences, so that means the semi-colons acts as a comma, which means it can't be used the way you're using it. It causes the sentence to turn into a run-on sentence. Akin to a coma-splice error, really. You could easily break them up into two separate sentences to avoid this problem, or combine them by using 'and'.

    I'd hope they weren't playing with real boats, because apart from that sounding very impractical, I'd think the bridge would have trouble handling all the weight.

    The first thing I noticed about this paragraph is that you're writing this in a very passive way. 'The sun was', 'People were', etc. Instead you could try to make it active, by saying things like 'The sun shone' or 'People walked' instead. In fact, writers are often encouraged to avoid using the passive.

    Far from the city there stood a house on a plain, with a big wooden fence that covered the four sides of the two floored brick house surrounding it.
    Initially this sentence really confused me. I think you were standing the house was standing on a plain, big, wooden fence. How I house could stand on a fence, I didn't know, but it took me a reread to get that you were referring to it standing on a plain with a fence surrounding it.

    I would use 'stood' instead of 'was', because it makes things a lot more active.

    On the second floor a kid was putting some stuff in his grey backpack. He wore a red jacket with a yellow and black hat, with black hair sticking out from under the hat - which he wore backwards - and his confident face and yellow eyes looked down at the backpack.
    Up till now, you've been using past tense. However, suddenly you switch to present. There's no need for that. Choose one, either past or present, and stick with it. Don't shift randomly.
    So 'was' instead of 'is' and 'wore' instead of 'wears'. ^^

    I fiddled with the sentences a bit, too, because it sounded very awkward and choppy. This way it flows and the extra information - such as 'which he wore backwards' - is stored between hyphens.

    “Come on, Ataro!”

    Gold looked over at his bed. A purple colored monkey was jumping on the it. The monkey had a funny looking round face with two wide eyes, long yellow ears, and for a tail it had a hand.
    Again, these are two sentence you can't combine with a semi-colon or comma. They're separate, each with their own clauses, and you need to treat them accordingly. I rewrote the entire last scene, because it just read like the tail had a round face with wide eyes and long yellow ears. XD

    The first sentence includes what we call 'direct address'. Someone is directly addressing someone or something else, using some sort of title or name. In this case, it's 'Ataro'. Whenever this is the case - like with 'Hey, Anna' or 'How are you, dude?' - you get a comma.

    “Can’t go out without these either, can we?” He laughed and started walking out of his room.
    Even if he's saying something, it's still a proper sentence and needs punctuation to end it. Seeing as he's asking a question, a mere question mark would do. Because he's not laughing the sentence, it's considered a separate one and thus gets a capital.

    His mother was sitting in the living room watching some TV. She had black hair cut to the sides and was wearing a white apron with a long yellow skirt. He got down to the living room and ran over to the kitchen counter to grab a burger.

    “Good morning, Gold” she said as she got up from the couch and walked over to her son. “You’re all packed up?”
    The 'Good morning, Gold' is another case of that direct address I mentioned earlier. ^^

    There's also another sentence that needs to be cut in two, but I won't be pointing them all out. You know what to look for now, so hopefully the explanation was clear enough to give it a go yourself.

    “Yep.” Gold gave her a thumb up. “I’m meeting Kris in Professor Elm’s lab and then we’ll be leaving for Goldenrod.” Gold swallowed the burger. “Guess I’ll be out for a while, but Professor Oak really wants Kris and me to finish our Pokédex.” He laughed while putting his hand behind his head.
    You really need to finish speech with punctuation. If you're not using a speech verb after it, then a simple period/full-stop will do. :)

    “Although I won’t guarantee I'm not going to be after a lot of girls while I’m travelling.” He chuckled again.
    “Just remember to watch out for danger and to take care of yourself.” She giggled and Gold nodded at her comment.
    Gold's mother acts rather like a twelve year old. : P

    Also, giggling, laughing, and sighing are pretty controversial verbs. People don't know whether to classify them as speech verbs or not. I usually don't, because you don't laugh or giggle a sentence. You say something and then giggle, or maybe giggle while saying something, so it's not a speech verb. Which means the sentence 'She giggled' is separate and gets a capital.

    “Okay, return.” He returned it into its pokéball and then the critter started jumping inside.
    If you say 'it', then you're referring to the pokéball. That last sentence doesn't work for me, though. Maybe have the pokéball move to show the aipom is jumping around inside?

    ~

    That's it for now. It's late and I have some work to finish.

    You have a few problem areas. One of them is punctuation. You have commas where full-stops/periods need to be and your speech lacks any and all punctuation. I've pointed out the basic problems, but I think it'd be best if you got yourself a beta. That way you can have all the errors pointed out to you repeatedly and maybe discuss them with someone.

    The other big problem I saw was your storytelling. It's all lacking something for me. Most of the description is passive and there's no real description. You have to excite us, but instead we get a pretty generic tale of a boy getting up on the morning of his journey.

    Try to take it slowly. Pause and think about what you're going to tell us. What's the feeling in the air? Does your main character feel anxious? Can you reflect this by the way he acts? Can you make the piece feel more active by using different verbs and occasionally mixing your sentence structure?

    I think that reading some good stories and getting a beta would be a great idea for you. I don't know anything or anyone here, seeing as I'm pretty new to the forums, but I could always point out some stories I do know. Just PM me if you're interested.

    I'll continue reviewing this when I can. Hopefully it was of help to you!

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  7. #7
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    Thanks Silawen I'll try to do better next time

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    Fanfiction Critic Silawen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    Quote Originally Posted by Special Champ Red View Post
    Thanks Silawen I'll try to do better next time
    Hopefully it helped you out. How about editing the first chapter, though? You have some things to focus on now, so you could edit what you already have to reflect what you've learned.

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

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    Fanfiction Fan! Iris White's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    pretty good story.

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    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal and Metallic Silver

    thanks

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    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal , Metallic Silver(Questshippi

    damn I love Falkner! haha keep this up, i enjoyed readin it.

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    Henshin! Kamen_Fanatic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal , Metallic Silver(Questshippi

    Ha ha! Crotch shot!

    Oo, boy. A Brave Bird is not what you want to feel. It hurts like fuck, for the user and the target.

  13. #13
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal , Metallic Silver(Questshippi

    Yeah that was funny. Well Gold is concidered the perv of the manga and Chris is uptight so they kinda contradict each other.

    Sorry this three chapters have been kinda short but it's just til I start getting more into the plot which should start in the next chapter.

    I'm thinking this as one of the covers for the fic, and if you can see it, please someone teach me how to make the pictures show



    Wish On a Shooting Staraptor

    “Brave Bird!” Falkner yelled as his Staraptor started diving down from the air, ready to pierce through Explotaro’s skin with its Brave Bird. Gold put on his goggles again as he and Explotaro jumped out of the way, saving themselves from a painful attack.

    “Wow” Gold grinned spinning his cue. “You managed to turn the wheel on me again, I never thought you’ll be this strong” he said holding the cue as if it was a sword. “But I got more tricks down my sleeve you know” he chuckled and got on Explotaro.

    “Now, Explotaro go for a Flame Thrower!” Gold shouted and Explotaro fired a blast of burning flames at Staraptor. The bird Pokémon easily evaded the attack before it hit it on its chest.

    “I’m not gonna go down that easily Gold” Falkner jumped on top of Staraptor and the two of them flew up to the roof. “Now come get me if you can?” Falkner smiled evilly as he looked down at the confused Gold.

    “Great, we gotta get him from down here, okay Explotaro, let’s make a little switch” Gold got off and grabbed his Gold Ball. “Return” he said returning the tired Typhlosion back into its Gold Ball.

    “What are you going to fight with, although it’ll probably be Mantaro wouldn’t” Falkner chuckled, ready to faced Gold’s Mantine when it came out.

    “Not really…”Gold took out another Gold Ball. “I got my own plans of things” he grinned throwing the ball into the stage. The ball bursts open and let out a brown bird, it had a long blonde and red hair, and it had a small peck and long feathers on its wings. It had small talons and cream colored feathers on its chest.

    “I didn’t know you had a Pidgeot?” Falkner looked down at the Pidgeot with a confused face.

    “It’s not mine, per se. You see I kinda took it from Professor Elm’s lab when he wasn’t looking” Gold laughed and scratched the back of his head. “I know he won’t freak out that much when he finds out”

    “Still the same ah Gold?” Falkner shook his head with a sigh. “In that case let’s have an areal battle, go Staraptor Areal Ace!” Staraptor started flying down towards Pidgeot as Gold; gathering wind around it.

    “Let’s crash it down then” Gold smiled as his Pidgeot started flying with an upward Areal Ace. Both bird Pokémon crashed their beaks with each other creating a crash of energy that was repelling them both; Gold held tighter on Pidgeot trying to stop himself from falling off.

    Both bird Pokémon flew sideways from each other gasping for air as they descended down.

    “Okay Pidgeot, go and use your Hyper Beam attack” Pidgeot fired a white beam of energy that headed straight for Staraptor.

    “Staraptor, dodge then use your Feather Dance” Falkner ordered as Staraptor easily evaded the attack before firing a bunch of feathers; which came floating down to the floor. “Now, let’s give them another Brave Bird!”

    “Pidgeot use Brave Bird as well!” Gold shouted. Both Pokémon got surrounded by blue energy as they flew at each other. Pidgeot and Staraptor crashed with each other creating a blinding light that kept the sight of the two Pokémon surrounded with light.

    “Come on Staraptor, don’t let it beat you!” Falkner yelled, wiping off some sweat from his forehead.

    “Okay, Pidgeot go and use your Drill Peck!” Pidgeot’s beak started spinning around and it flew up at Staraptor. Staraptor’s wings started to gather air as it started flying down. Both Pokémon crossed each other, then flew backwards and crossed each other again; after that they kept crashing, and crossing till Staraptor managed to pass its wing against Pidgeot’s chest sending Pidgeot crashing into the ground.

    Gold saw the tired Pidgeot and grabbed his Gold Ball before Pidgeot fell unconscious. “Return” he said as the Gold Ball bounced back to him. “Man, that Staraptor sure is something, if I can’t beat it; we’re done” he said looking at the Gold Balls in his belt.

    “What’s your next choice gonna be Gold?” Falkner asked after Staraptor descended. He jumped off Staraptor and walked over to Gold. “Are you gonna keep fighting, or are you gonna give up?”

    Gold looked down for a minute before raising his had with determination again. “You know what I say to that, bite me” Gold grabbed his cue and the Gold Ball and hit the ball with the cue sending it flying right on Falkner’s stomach. The pokéball popped open letting out a flower looking Pokémon, it had leafs for arms and a sunflower for a face, it has short green legs and a short body. “Your turn to fight Sintaro” Gold clenched his fist.

    Falkner noticed that Staraptor was gasping for air and it started to topple over. “Return” he said returning Staraptor before it fell off. “I see, you’re going with Sintaro, if I remember correctly you caught it as a Sunkern the same day you helped me catch Skarmory” Falkner said looking at the Sunflora with a curious face.

    “Yep” Gold nodded. “Thanks to Sintaro we managed to catch Skarmory, so I guess you’re thinking the same thing I am” Gold started spinning the cue again.

    “Yeah” Falkner took out his Boomerang like pokéball throwing it like a normally pokéball and letting his Skarmory take charge of the battle. “A battle between the Pokémon we caught that day” he grinned as the two trainers took their respective sides on the battle field.

    “Go Sintaro use your Razor Leaf” Gold threw his finger forward and Sintaro fired a barrage of leafs that headed straight for Skarmory.

    “Skarmory use your Steel Wing attack” Falkner ordered while holding his stern look. Skarmory’s wings turned into steel as it started flying towards the leafs; cutting them with every second that passed.

    “Sintaro dodge” Sintaro tried to jump out but Skarmory crashed its left wing against it and sent it bouncing off the floor. Sintaro struggled a little but it finally got up.

    “Sintaro use Aroma Therapy!” Gold yelled.

    “Skarmory use Swift” Falkner said calmly as Skarmory fired a barrage of metallic feathers, before Sintaro could use its attack the feathers crashed with it and some of them actually got stuck inside it.

    “Sintaro are you okay?” Gold asked running over to his Pokémon. Then he saw Skarmory heading his way. The Pokémon past right above him and the Sunflora and made his goggles fly off; the goggles bounced off the floor and landed outside the field.

    “If we’re gonna fight, you’ll have to fight me with your own eyes, not with your goggles, they kinda give you an edge” Falkner said as he grabbed the cue that flew off to him. “This cue won’t be needed either, neither will be my Boomerang pokéballs” Falkner dropped his belt. “We’re fighting one on one, no tricks or advantages” he nodded his head.

    Gold thought about this for a moment, he was a person that lived on the edge; there was no way a person like him could just take this and be calm, but he had no choice. “All right, I accept your conditions” Gold walked into the field.

    “Go Skarmory use your Drill Peck” Skarmory’s peck started spinning as it let its wings out and started flying towards Sintaro.

    “Sintaro use Solar Beam now” Gold ordered. What his miscalculated was that Sintaro had to wait a few seconds before using the attack. The Sunflora got hit, which let a huge gush on its body. Sintaro bounced off and only managed to raise its head. “Now!!” Gold shouted throwing his fist forward as Sunflora managed to fire the deep whitish yellow beam at Skarmory.

    “Hyper Beam now!” Falkner yelled. Skarmory fired a white beam that crashed with the Solar Beam. Both attacks held on for a moment and then exploded creating a cloud of smoke that covered the whole field.

    Gold got pushed to the wall cause of the power and sat down on the floor. “I, have to get up” he forced himself up from the ground and glared at the cloud of smoke.

    Finally the cloud disappeared and both Pokémon were on the ground defeated. “It’s a tie” Falkner sighed and started limping over to Gold’s side. “I gotta say, you were a great challenger, for your first gym battle; and I can see how much you’ve improved since the last time I saw you” Falkner stretched out his hand and the two shook.

    “Thanks” Gold looked down and noticed that his hand was holding the Zephyr badge a badge that looked like a pair of silvery wings. “Why are you giving me this?” he asked with a confused look.

    “You were great in that battle and the rules say I can give the badge to the person I think has proven to be a great challenger” Falkner stopped for a moment. “Hence, you” he said pointing at Gold.

    “Thanks Falkner, I gotta say, I haven’t had a battle like that in a long time” Gold started laughing. “Not since the fight in the Battle Frontier two years ago I think?” he started deducing.

    “Well anyways, let’s go, I bet Chris is waiting for you at the Pokémon Academy” Falkner padded Gold’s back and the two started walking off.


    “About freakin time!” Chris yelled after she saw Gold walking into the front yard of the small house in the middle of town. A lot of kids were running around the house playing tag, or hide and seek while Chris was standing there wearing an apron.

    “What’s with that” Gold chuckled after seeing Chris. Chris fumed and took the apron off.

    “I was helping out with the cooking and cleaning, while you were having fun with Falkner” she walked down and got in front of him.

    “Okay, so I had a little battle against Falkner, it’s not that bad” Gold looked away and raised and eyebrow.

    “Yeah, yeah whatever I don’t wanna hear it” Chris turned around and grabbed one of the kids. “Since the sun’s already setting, we’ll stay here over night and tomorrow morning we’ll leave for Goldenrod, we can take the shortcut through the outskirts” Chris walked back in the academy.

    “Sometimes I just think she’s pissed at me for now reason” Gold chuckled and started walking inside the Academy.

    “Hey Gold” Falkner said making Gold turn around instantly. “Good luck on your Pokédex thing okay” he said turning around and walking off.

    Gold nodded and looked up at the sky. “I wasn’t trying to get the badge, but” he looked down at the Zephyr badge. “This is proved that I’m a step closer to defeating Silver” he smiled and walked into the house.


    “I’m so confused’ Gold said, he had a toast hanging in his mouth while watching the Johto map on his Pokégear. “If we go to Goldenrod and take the train to Saffron, where are we going from there, are we just going to wander around till we get all the data?” Gold asked Chris who was seating across the table.

    “No, after we get to Saffron City we’ll be heading to the Safari Zone in Fuchsia, they have a lot of wild Pokémon in there and it’ll be easier to get the data for out Pokédex” Chris grabbed the Pokégear so that Gold could finish his toast and then showed him the map of Kanto.

    “Oh, now I get it” Gold said getting up. He started stretching. “I’m gonna go over to the fountain, you know I wanna be myself for sometime” he said walking off.


    Gold was seating in front of the fountain staring at the clear rushing water thinking on what happened the day before. He sighed. “That battle was exciting, but it pains me that I’m not going to have anymore battles like that” he got up and dusted himself off. “But guess we can’t whined about that” he said while stretching his arms and legs.

    Chris came out of the house throwing his backpack to the floor. “Ready Gold” she smiled as Gold picked up his backpack.

    “Yeah, no problem” Gold gave her a thumb up and the two started to walk off; since almost everyone in the academy was still sleep they didn’t had to say goodbye to anyone and just left.

    “So, now we take the road to Goldenrod right?” Gold asked Chris after a few minutes of walking. Chris nodded as the two trainers looked at the route ahead; preparing for the future.

    “Okay then, let’s go!” Chris yelled throwing her hand up in the air as the two started running off.


    A big black building was standing in the middle. Surrounded by four metallic walls and prison guards that were all keeping watch with their Gengar, Bannete and Dusclops. One of the guards turned around as he heard a thud…there was nothing in sight.

    That was when the guards let their guard down. Someone flew over from the tress on a Honchrow. The Honchrow dove down as it fired a ball of pure dark energy that threw the guards off. The person that was on top jumped off and started hitting and kicking the guards that were nearby.

    He was wearing a long sleeve black jacket with a red zipped line in the middle, he had a long red that covered his left eyes, and he was wearing a pair of silver colored pants with black boots. He also had a pair of black gloves and silver colored eyes; his fury face that was looking down at the guards.

    “Give me your ID Card” the kid grabbed the guard by the collar and grabbed the card it had in his pocket. He slid it off the slider that was on the metallic door and they opened up slowly. “Now this all counts” he said letting out a giant serpentine Pokémon, it had a big mouth with long fangs, it had some kind of crown on its head a long snakelike body with a fin tail on the end, it had whiskers and its skin was red colored.

    “Gyarados, use Hydro Pump as many times as you can!” the kid yelled as Gyarados started firing torrents of water that were so strong they destroyed some of the buildings and knocked down the guards. He started walking across. He looked up at a big building full of prison cells. “He’s the only one that knows about him, we have to free him” he said looking at the jail with fury as he ran in.

    TO BE CONTINUED…
    Last edited by Flaze; 1st May 2009 at 08:30 PM.

  14. #14
    Registered User woops's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal , Metallic Silver(Questshippi

    Hmm.
    THE DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER!!!!!

  15. #15
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pokémon Adventures: Sparkling Gold, Shining Crystal , Metallic Silver(Questshippi

    Yeah considerin in the next chapter we will be leaving Gold and Chris I wanted t ay what it was mostly gonna be about. Silver

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