TEEN: Poison Touch
Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Poison Touch

  1. #1
    Skilled Haggler Life's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    HQ
    Posts
    1,253
    Blog Entries
    128

    Default Poison Touch

    *Rated teen for language*


    Hi everyone, I've been lurking around this section of the forums for a long time now, and was inspired by the work to try and create something better than what I last made. It's taken me a long time to complete the first part, mainly due to me having so many ideas for what's to come after this, and not so many for right now. All together, it's not super long, but that's because I'm not a fan of long chapters in general. I'm sure that there are a few grammar errors tucked in somewhere, unintentional of course, so if you see one please point it out to me! While we're on corrections, constructive, or just flat out criticism is 110% appreciated!

    Even though I love writing, I unfortunately don't write a lot, as I don't always have the proper mindset to do it. I just finished the first chapter tonight, and I'm satisfied with it. I picked up in the middle of the chapter, so the second part is a bit more humorous, if I do say so myself. Well, that's enough with the introductions, here's the story:

    Authors Note:



    Journal Entry #1:


    5/6/13

    Dear Future-Jeff:

    Yes! Yeeeeeeeeeees! Finally I’m free of home! I can’t express how excited I am to be free of Lavaridge Town! In just a few hours I’ll be in Kanto, training with Poison master Koga himself! I wonder what the next year will be like for us… It’s certainly filled with adventure! I can’t wait to see what it’s like outside Lavaridge. After all, the only time we’ve left is when we took that vacation to Mt. Chimney, but man, what a bummer that was. No beach, no water, no nothing! Hopefully Koga’s mansion has a big swimming pool that we can chillax in.

    Oh yeah, I guess I should mention what this is, in case you forgot. Mom gave us this journal so we can write about our time in Kanto. I’m writing this while on my way to Lilycove’s Shipyard, and you’re reading thi- actually, I have no idea when you’ll be reading this. The future, of course, but who knows when. I guess that’s part of the fun of having this journal!

    Sincerely, Past-Jeff.




    Chapter #1:


    5/6/14

    I arose with poison in my lungs, and happiness in my heart. Today was graduation day at this... School? Whatever you want to call it, I was getting out of here.

    The past twelve months have been filled with training, studying, and battling. Koga has been rough on all of us; especially myself. Maybe it's because Roxie is my older sister, or just because he 'sensed' something. Or maybe it was because he’s insane, what with his ninja-persona and all that. Nonetheless, I was getting out.

    I proceeded to get out of bed, which is really more of a mattress with a thin, purple blanket on top, and got in the shower. I had to rush out of the shower, with soap dripping onto the floor, to stop my alarm clock. Well, to be more accurate, I broke it. That monstrosity has been waking me up since I got here, and luckily for the instructors I only broke it four times. But after today, I was never coming back, so I had nothing to lose. I got back in the shower, finished rinsing, and put on a forest green t-shirt, accompanied by black gym shorts, and headed down to the mess hall.

    The room was small, only enough to occupy fifty. Low, round white tables with no chairs were spread out around the buffet line. At the head was where the instructors sat. I scooped some eggs on to my plate and noticed that Koga was dinning with us this morning. Something that he has only done on rare occasions. “Joy.” I mumbled. I poured some coffee into a small black mug, and took a gulp. This coffee is the thing that managed to get me through the past year here. By far, the best thing I have ever drank. I found my friend Jeff sitting with some of our other friends, and sat on the floor, next to him.

    “Good mornin’, Anthony!” Jeff shouted.

    “Keep it down, will ya? We’re right next to each other, plus I just got up.” I moaned.

    “Well excuuuse me Sleeping Beauty. It’s not like you aren’t used to my lovely morning voice by now.” Jeff was a friend I made at Koga’s School. We met on the first day, and have been buddies ever since. He’s thirteen, a year younger than me, but we found a lot in common. He has extremely short, brown hair, with matching extremely tan skin. Today he sported a white shirt, with torn up cargo pants.

    “Excited to go back to Hoenn?” I asked.

    “Actually, I’ve been thinking… I don’t want to go back. Once I meet my partner, I want to travel around Kanto. I mean, I’ve been here for a year, yet I’ve only seen one city. I want to get out there, see the rest of the world, you know?”

    “I do.” I sighed. “To be honest, I don’t want to go back to Unova either. All my life I’ve been there, and I want to see more.”

    “Then it’s settled.” Jeff smiled. “We’re going to travel around Kanto and be rivals! How awesome is that!? We ca-….”

    I zoned him out. I took a swig of my coffee, and sadly reached the end. At the cups bottom, I saw in it a blurred nose, with a pair of green eyes. Everything was tinted brown, and I started to imagine everything that way. I turned to Jeff, and noticed he was waiting for a reply. “The awesomest.” I smiled back. “Except…I don't know what to do once we get out of here. Kanto is huge, and I’m not sure a badge journey is my thing.”

    “Are you kidding? You’re practically a prodigy. You scored an A on all the tests, and hold the longest winning streak for battles. You’re a Poison master!”

    “Eh.. Not really my thing” I replied.

    “What do you mean?”

    “Well, I like Poison and all, but I don’t really want to stick to just one type. There are so many fantastic Pokémon out there, and I want to train as many of them as possible. I told you, the only reason I came here was because Roxie insisted I follow in her footsteps."

    Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. Roxie, my older sister, is the acclaimed Virbank City gym leader.

    “Than forget Roxie!” He said. You need to get out there, carve your own path. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.”

    “Yeah alright. It’s just a lot to think about, you know?” I sighed.

    “Than think about it some other time. Come on, let’s go take our seats.”

    Jeff and I got up, cleared our spots, and began walking towards the ceremony room. The halls of Koga’s Mansion were bustling with students, some enrolled in the program Jeff and I are in, and others who are taking courses directly from Koga and Jeanine. On the walls hung portraits of Poison-type Pokémon; some with their trainer, some without. “You know what I think I won’t miss at all, Jeff?”

    “The rooms. Definitely the ro-“

    “How’d you know?" I shouted.

    “Oh I don’t. Maybe because you complain about them every day!” He shouted back.

    “Oh… Right. It’s just that they’re so small, and the bed is horrible, and the shower never has any hot water, and the air smells like shit, and i-“

    “What was that about the smell?” A not-so-mysterious voice blurted from behind us.

    “Koga, sir! I was just saying that the fragrance of poison in the morning is such a lovely odor! I’m going to miss it so much!” I had to put on my best fake smile to make it convincing. After all, it’s hard lying to a ninja.

    His voice is low and loud, yet subtle at the same time. “BAHAHAHA I’m kidding!” Koga’s laugh filled the now desolate hallway. “I don’t blame you for saying such. I too would gag at the smell of those mattress. They haven’t been cleaned in what? 7 yea- I mean days! However, work on your lying. Quite frankly, it sucks.” Koga smiled, and vanished into a room left of us. Come to think of it, I don’t even remember that door being there until he went in. But that was typical Koga for you; appearing out of thin air to eavesdrop on your conversation, blurt something out, then disappear. I was with him for year, yet I don’t think I’ll ever understand him.

    Jeff and I kept walking until we finally reached the ceremony room. “Wow.” Jeff said. “This room is completely different from all the others I’ve seen!” Jeff was right. This room had deep, rich purple walls that felt like a fabric imported from Kalos. The floor was marble, and it looked smoother than an Ariados’ web. Budding trainers who were attending the same program as Jeff and I sat in the back, while instructors sat in front. The chairs each had names on them, going in alphabetical order. Jeff and I took our seats among the gigantic crowd of thirty, and made small talk with classmates around us.

    Koga walked in the room, stood in front of the podium, and began speaking. “Students… Instructors…. Anyone else in the room, it has been one heck-of-a year, hasn’t it!?” He shouted, even though we could all hear him if he whispered. “Congratulations on making it this far! Today, is more tha-…”

    ZONED. Yeah, I do that a lot if you couldn’t tell. Besides, I have better things on my mind to think about. In just a few hours I’ll be leaving this dump, and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. There’s so many things to consider; where I want to go, what I want to do, who I want to be. I’ve already promised Jeff that I would travel around Kanto with him and be rivals, so I guess that knocks out numero uno, but I’m unsure of the who and what. Contests really aren’t my kind of thing, nor am I a fan of riding on top of Pokémon. A badge quest is always an option, but after spending your life right next to a gym, they get old real fast.

    Trainers always came in to Roxie’s gym thinking that they could demolish her, but the truth is, the minute Roxie pulled out Koffing they started to sweat. She’s not even that hard to beat, if you ask me. The key to victory, besides over-leved Pokémon, are Steel-types. She has no strategy against them, and they’ll end up tiring out all of her Pokémon.

    I wanted to keep Koga zoned out, but what he started talking about next changed my mind. “As a token for completing my course, Janine and I, as well as the rest of staff, would like to present you with your very own Pokémon egg.”

    The staff smiled, and the all the students gave out a cheer. Except me, of course. I felt like this was a mandatory nudge in the direction of my future, and I wasn’t happy about it. Jeff had enlightened me to see that the future is whatever I make of it, and now that I see it the way I do, I don’t want anyone to pave my path for me.

    “These eggs descend from mine and Jeanine’s own Pokémon, so you should all receive nothing less than perfection.” He smiled. Now, to talk to you about your new Pokémon egg, is my own daughter, Janine.

    I couldn’t help but think about the kids that would be receiving shitty Zubat. I mean, it’s not like you can’t find them in every cave in Kanto. Then it hit me… What if I got one of those shitty Zubat eggs? I started paying attention again.

    “And remember, treat your new Pokémon with love and care, and you’ll build a relationship stronger than Machamp’s muscles!” She shrieked, although I’m not sure what she was so happy about. Maybe getting rid of us, as nobody treated her well anyways. She acted like Koga’s bitch, to be honest. Which is actually kind of gross since she’s his daughter. Aright… Time to stop thinking again.

    She started walking away from the podium, but ran back, obviously forgetting something. “Oh, just one more thing!” She shouted. “Until your egg hatches, or someone comes to pick you up, you are not to leave the mansion for safety precautions.

    Aw crap… I hope my egg hatches fast, as I’d prefer not to wait for Roxie to come pick me up. Especially since she would ask me a ton of questions, even though she knows I hate questions. Why do I hate questions? Simple; I don’t like answers. In an ever changing world, I feel answers are only guesses, never fac- oh, sorry, I’m getting a bit philosophical here, aren’t I? Wel-

    “Hello Anthony!” I could tell by the voice, but I turned to see who it was anyway.

    “Hi Janine.” I smiled back at her.

    “Well, go ahead, pick one out.”

    “Really? I get to pick my new partner?”

    “Sure, why not? You’re the one who gets to spend the rest of your life with it” Up close, I noticed her lips. The upper one was yellow, and the lower one purple. “What’s wrong?” She frowned.

    “Oh, I was just admiring your lipstick. It’s really something, you know.” I tried to pull off the best fake smile I could, but damn, it was hard.

    “Aw, that’s so sweet Anthony!” She winked. I started to get creeped out, so without looking, I pulled an egg out of the basket. “Well good luck on your journey. Hopefully you’ll come back soon so I can battle with you and your partner” She smiled, and walked away.

    I looked down at my egg, and let out a huge sigh. “THANK GOODNESS IT’S NOT A ZUBAT EGG!” Everyone was staring at me now, but I didn’t care, because I wasn’t going to have to live with a Zubat the rest of my life. Come to think of it, what kind of Pokémon is inside my egg? I’ve never seen anything like it before. The base color was light green, and in the middle was a dark green smiley face. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the egg’s design. It looked like a Chansey egg painted by a preschooler. It felt amazingly smooth though, much smoother than a normal egg.

    “Hey Anthony, check out my egg.” I looked up to see Jeff, holding his egg a centimeter from my nose. I was trying to look at it, but I couldn’t help the urge to smell it. “Aw sheesh Jeff, what is that!?”

    “Oh yeah… That.” He frowned. “Well, it smells bad now, but when this little fellah hatches, I’ll be sure to give him a bath and make sure he smells lemony fresh.”

    “…Anyways, since hell is over now, wanna go walk around a bit?”

    “Sure.” Jeff replied. “Why not?”
    Last edited by Life; 3rd January 2014 at 07:20 PM.

    snorlax | rest | dark aura | stick | tea | one-shot | poetry

  2. #2
    Less cute in person Beth Pavell's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    England
    Posts
    1,349
    Blog Entries
    31

    Default Re: Poison Touch

    Your technical accuracy is good, but I would suggest reading the entire chapter again word-for-word. You've missed out speech marks a couple of times, but beyond that there aren't any grammar howlers or malapropisms. I will say that describing a crowd of thirty people as "gigantic" is a bit odd. As for the narration, well it flows ok, but the half-conversations that Anthony has with the reader were beginning to get on my nerves. Having Anthony as the narrator talk to the reader is fine, but try and use the "Hey, if you can't tell, I x" sparingly. If you're going to have Anthony tell us about his life, it's ok for him to talk for an extended period as if he's telling us a story. It'll feel a little less like an infodump and it gives you a chance to show us more of Anthony as a person.

    Overall, not bad at all!
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


    Pavell's Scribbledegook Week XX - Chapter Titles

  3. #3
    Skilled Haggler Life's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    HQ
    Posts
    1,253
    Blog Entries
    128

    Default Re: Poison Touch

    I will say that describing a crowd of thirty people as "gigantic" is a bit odd.
    It was sarcasm, is that good or bad in a story? :F

    Quote Originally Posted by Pavell View Post
    Your technical accuracy is good, but I would suggest reading the entire chapter again word-for-word. You've missed out speech marks a couple of times, but beyond that there aren't any grammar howlers or malapropisms. As for the narration, well it flows ok, but the half-conversations that Anthony has with the reader were beginning to get on my nerves. Having Anthony as the narrator talk to the reader is fine, but try and use the "Hey, if you can't tell, I x" sparingly. If you're going to have Anthony tell us about his life, it's ok for him to talk for an extended period as if he's telling us a story. It'll feel a little less like an infodump and it gives you a chance to show us more of Anthony as a person.

    Overall, not bad at all!
    Thanks so much for the feedback! I'll put all these tips to use while writing the next chapter!

    snorlax | rest | dark aura | stick | tea | one-shot | poetry

  4. #4
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Why do you care
    Posts
    61,052
    Blog Entries
    153
    Add Flaze on Facebook
    Follow Flaze on Tumblr Visit Flaze's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Poison Touch

    I think it was an interesting start, at first I was a bit confused in regards to the whole ninja school and such, I think a bit more explanation on how it all worked would've been pretty interesting to see. I agree with Pavell in that you did miss a couple of speech quotes and there's also the fact that Anthony's narrations can trail off at times. Also no, a sarcastic narrator isn't necessarily a good thing for a story xD since he's the one that leads the reader, I say necessarily cause it could be done, just be more careful with it.

  5. #5
    Skilled Haggler Life's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    HQ
    Posts
    1,253
    Blog Entries
    128

    Default Re: Poison Touch



    Speaking of his journal, I hope to post a new entry soon. I've also decided to expand it, so it isn't as short. In other news, I finished the second chapter, and things certainly took a turn. I ended up scrapping a lot of the ideas I had, because I realized that they just didn't fit the kind of story I wanted to go for. I've reread the chapter 3+ times, so hopefully there's no mistakes. I was also very scrupulous to look for missing quotations. :P There still isn't anything too exciting now, but I promise that will change next chapter. Without further ado, here's the second chapter:

    Chapter #2:


    5/6/14

    “So Jeff,” I said. “I never got to ask you, what do you want to do once your egg hatches?”

    “I want to go on a badge quest, of course! I mean, what else is there to do? My Pokémon and I are going to become strong, then, we’re going to challenge the Pokémon League and take the title of Champion. Isn’t that what you want to do?”

    “To be honest, I don’t know.” I said solemnly. “Eventually, I want to have a lot of Pokémon, all with different fun, colorful personalities. Not all of them might want to battle, and if they don’t want to battle, I won’t make them."

    “But Anthony, you’re their trainer, it’s not the other way around.” Jeff replied back with an annoyed tone in his voice.

    “You asked me what I want to do, and I want to do whatever my Pokémon want to do.”

    “Fine!” He snapped. “I’m going back to my room to pack my things, see you later.”

    Well that elevated quickly. Sometimes I just don’t get him. One day he’s all best-buds, and the next he’s yelling in my face over spilt milk. In fact, he was like that the first time we met.

    It was during the first week we were here, when the instructors were assigning battle partners to test our previous knowledge. Of course, Jeff and I got partnered up, and I beat his Weezing using my Arbok. It was a good battle, I might have to tell it some other time. Anyways, after he lost, he started to throw a tantrum. He complained to the instructors that I had cheated, but even though they told him there’s no possible way I could have, he didn’t believe them. It wasn’t until a day later he came to me and apologized.

    “Hey Anthony, check it out!” A voice blurted out from behind me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Oh I’m sorry, Anthony! I didn’t meant to scare you.”

    “No, it’s ok, Summer. I was just thinking about something. What did you want to show me?”

    “Look down and see for yourself.” She smiled. I looked down, and saw a tiny, blue creature curled up in her arms. It had small, pointy ears, and four whiskers; two on each side. “My egg hatched into a Nidoran♀, how cool is that?”

    “Very.” I smiled back. “Did you give it a nickname?”

    She gasped. “I hadn’t even thought about that. But now that you mention it… Nidoran♀, would you like a nickname?”

    “Nido!” The poison Pokémon squeaked in excitement.

    “Hmm, than what should I name you? Well, since my name, Summer, is a season, why not Winter? Even though you aren’t an Ice type, you have a blue color.” Summer seemed pleased with the name she came up with. Winter started to get more comfortable in her arms, and soon fell asleep, obviously pleased with her new name.

    Today, Summer was wearing a white jacket, accompanied by purple skinny jeans. I wasn’t surprised at her color choice, since she always managed to weave purple into her outfit. She even has a streak of purple in her blonde hair. Summer is one of the people whom I got along with well at school, so I didn’t have to pretend to be curious. “So Summer, where are you off to now?” I asked.

    “Saffron City. Winter and I set our goals towards the sky; we want to become Top Coordinator! There’s going to be a contest there in two weeks, and that’s where we plan to make our debut.”

    “Good for you.” I smiled back at her.

    “But enough about me, what are you going to do? If I had to guess, I’d say a badge challenge, Mr. Record Holder.” She said it with a grin on her face. “I can’t imagine you doing anything else, to be honest. It just seems like the kind of thing you want to do.”

    “Well, maybe. But for now, I just want my egg to hatch faster. I’m getting giddy.” I looked down at my egg. “So partner, what are we going to do?” I pondered in my head until Summer reminded me that we were still having a conversation.

    “Well, Anthony, I should probably go feed Winter. Koga was nice enough to let me borrow some food from the kitchen, so I'm going to go retrieve it. If I don’t see you again today, that means I’ll have left.” Her smiled turned to a frown. “But you should come to Saffron City once your egg hatches. I’d love to see what kind of Pokémon you have. See ya’ around, Anthony!” She turned around, and ran out of the lobby, waving her hand in the distance.

    “Bye Summer, good luck to both you and Winter.” The once busy lobby now stood empty. All the trainers had left, most likely into their rooms. Come to think of it, I may have to sleep in my old room again tonight. “Hey egg, won’t you please hurry up and hatch? There’s still time to get to the Pokémon Center tonight, and I don’t want to waste the opportunity. No? I see how it is…” I sighed.

    Depressed, I walked back to my room. I started to back my travel bag, since that was really the only thing I could do. I grabbed the pedestrian, black bag I took from home and put in some clothes, food, pokéfood, two xtransceivers, and a pink pokédex Roxie gave me. It was beat up to the max, and that was just an understatement. She assured me it still functioned, but I would have to wait and see. Everything else was now rubbish to me. I put all the candy wrappers in the trash, and left the rest of my shirts and pants in the closet.

    The room looked similar to how it looked when I first got here: empty. Now, there was just a mattress, night stand, alarm clock, and walls. I went to go pick up my egg from my mattress when all of a sudden it started to glow.

    “YES! I get to sleep in a Pokémon Center tonight!” I screamed.

    The green egg started to shift from an oval, to a body. The light faded, and I could clearly see what it was.

    “Spinarak Spina?!” Spinarak looked confused, but I wouldn’t blame it; it just hatched.

    “Hello Spinarak, my name is Anthony, and I’m your trainer.”

    “Spina?” It turned towards me.

    “And you’re a Spinarak, but you probably know that.”

    “Spin.” I feel like that's Spinarak for stupid. Anyways, I was amazed at how fast Spinarak calmed down, I thought for sure I was going to have a struggle with it. I reached for the pokéball in my bag, which was given to me along with the egg. I pulled out a red and white capsule, and pressed the button in the middle, maximizing its size.

    “So Spinarak, would you like to be my partner?” It’s not like it really had a choice, but I thought I would ask to be polite. “Come on, it’ll be fun. We can travel around Kanto together.”

    “Spina…” It lifted its leg towards the pokéball, but seemed rather hesitant on pressing it.

    “I promise I’ll take good care of you! Plus, I have food you can eat.”

    “Spinarak!” It pressed the ball, and a faint, red light shot out and absorbed Spinarak. Ding... Ding… Ding!

    “WOOHOO! I caught my first Pokémon!” I couldn’t believe how easy that was, I thought I’d have to chase it around the room before it even let me touch it. I decided to let out my new pal, so we could talk more. The red light emerged from the ball, and Spinarak appeared.

    “Spina.” It started to climb up my chest, and onto my shoulder. I guess it thought it would examine its new trainer. It climbed on top of my head, and sat down.

    “Like it up there?”

    “Spin!” I’ll take that as a yes.

    "So, what do ya’ say we hit the road tonight and go sleep in a center. Trust me, it’s better than this mattress."

    “Spin spin.” I’ll take that as a yes also.

    “There’s just one stop I want to make before we leave.”

    ***


    His door was made out of wood, like the rest of ours, but painted black, unlike my green one. On the upper half read a small sign: Swiv, Jeff. I knocked on his door precisely twice, before he opened.

    “Whoa, I see your egg hatched. That’s a nice looking pal you got there.” Jeff smiled.

    “Spinarak, this is Jeff. Jeff, this is Spinarak.” From my head, I could see Spinarak put out its leg in an attempt to shake hands. I couldn’t help but chuckle at it.

    “Ah, quite the card I see.” Jeff shook back. “So, did you come to say goodbye?”

    “Yeah, I thought I would hit the road before it gets too late. The center is only the other side of town, but I don't want to get there late. Before I go, there’s something I want to give you.” I reached in my bag, and pulled out a xtransceiver. “Here, this is for you. All the way from the Unova region.”

    “What is it?” Jeff replied in a puzzled tone.

    “It’s a xtransceiver. It lets you communicate with other trainers, as long as you have their number. I thought it would be a nice way for us to keep in-touch.”

    “Nifty. So what’s your number?”

    “I already put it in there, want to test it out?” We called each other on our xtransceivers to make sure there were no issues. Jeff was fiddling around on his, looking at all the small specs.

    “Spina.” Spinarak jumped off my head, and onto my lap.

    “Is something wrong Spinarak?” It pointed to its stomach. “Oh, right. I never fed you. Then I guess it’s time for me to say goodbye, Jeff. I hate to leave so abruptly, but I don’t want to let it starve.”

    “I don’t blame you. Pokémon first, right? Well than, Anthony, it’s been real.” He smiled, but his voice sounded like it came from someone who was frowning.

    “Yeah,” I paused. “It has. Well, we can communicate whenever now, so I guess that means we can stay in touch easier. Who knows, maybe I’ll see you on the road.” I smiled back.

    “Maybe.” He looked towards his own egg, and I could tell he was as in a hurry as I am to get out of here.

    “Spina spin.”

    “I guess Spinarak is trying to say bye too.” I chuckled. Damn this thing is cute.

    “Bye Spinarak.” Jeff replied, but he still wasn’t looking at us. His eyes were glued on his own purple egg.

    ***


    Spinarak and I started walking towards the lobby, ready to check out. “So I guess you’re going to travel on my head all the time?”

    “Spin.” Spinarak said it quietly.

    “Sounds like you’re sleepy, huh?” I turned the corner, and noticed the clerk at the front was leaving the table. I rushed over, hoping I wasn’t too late. “Excuse Sir, can I still check out? As you can see, my egg hatch.”

    “Sorry kid, but it’s 4 o’ 5.”

    “So?”

    “So check out was five minutes ago.” He snapped back at me.

    “Only five minutes ago? All I want to do is walk over to the Pokémon Center for the night. It’s only a small walk.”

    “I’m sorry, but no. You are more than welcome to leave in the morning, but rules are ru-“

    “Oh let the kid leave, won’t you Sal?” I knew who it was by the voice: Koga. “Well, looks like you have yourself a Spinarak, Anthony, and what a beaut it is. Now I hope you’ll come back to challenge the gym sometime soon. I look most forward to your arrival.” He smiled, and walked off.

    “You heard the man, Sal. Check me out, por favor?” I smirked.

    “Hmph…Fine, come this way.”

    I was surprised at how much paper work I had to fill out before I could leave. Name: Anthony Hiltch. Pokémon's Name: Spinarak. I also had to fill out some personal information, so I could receive my trainers license and officially become a trainer.

    “Take this.” Sal handed me a small note.

    “What’s it for?”

    “Once you get to the Pokémon Center, give it to Nurse Joy. She’ll give you your trainers card, along with food and sleeping equipment.”

    “Cool. Thanks Sal.” I walked outside the mansion, and for the first time in a month, smelled fresh air.

    Outside Koga’s mansion, I could see the sun setting over the ocean. It was beautiful, actually. It reflected off of the nearby pond, radiating red, orange and yellow colors. It was as if you could see the warmth. “Spinarak, wake up. I want to show you something.”

    “Spinarak?” It woke up in a haze.

    “See that over there? That’s the sun. You can only see half of it now, but that’s because it’s setting. Tomorrow, you’ll be able to see the full thing.”

    “Spin… Spina” I could tell by the way it replied that it was awed.

    “It’s very idyllic, isn’t it?” Spinarak jumped off my shoulders, and landed onto the concrete.

    “Where do you think you’re going?” I chuckled.

    “Spinarak spin.” It pointed towards the sun, and that’s when I started to crack up.

    “Aw, sorry Spinarak, but you can’t go to the sun. We’re going to the Pokémon Center so we can sleep. And once we get there I promise I’ll feed you.” That sealed the deal. Spinarak jumped on my head again, waiting for me to start walking.

    Fuchsia City’s streets were filled with people, walking in all four directions. Buildings were scattered everywhere, some low, some high. I spotted multiple office buildings to the west, and homes to the northeast There were a few small ponds, all of them crystal clear. I walked by one, and could clearly see my reflection; blonde hair, green shirt, black shorts, and sneakers.

    “Hey Spinarak, want to see what you look like?” It jumped off my head and looked down at the water.

    “Spin?” It turned its head at the reflection.

    “Yup, that’s what you look like; green, with little red mandibles. Not to forget your little horn.” Damn, Spinarak really is cute. I’m glad I ended up with it and not a Zubat. “Well, that’s enough starring. Let’s keep walking.” It wouldn’t move. I picked it up, placed it back on my head, and kept walking. “You really are a funny creature, aren’t you?”

    We walked past the Pokémart, which is something I’ll have to remember for tomorrow if I want to live in the wild. Spinarak may be cute, but that won’t cut it once we leave Fuchsia. A block past that, I saw a building with a red roof. I couldn’t believe it; my first night in a Pokémon Center! As childish as it sounds, I was so excited. My adventure has finally started, and now, it’s just me and Spinarak.

    ***


    Inside the center were several trainers attending to their Pokémon, while Nurse Joy and her strange-looking Audino were running between rooms. I walked up to the counter, hoping to get some service. “Excuse me, Nurse Joy, do you have a moment?” As I asked, she ran around the corner, obviously in a hurry to get our conversation over with.

    “Please give me one moment! I have a badly injured Exeggutor in the back!” She ran away. Exeggutor? What kind of Pokémon is that? I guess this would be a good time to check my pokédex. I went over to the couch, sat down, and pulled out my fabulous pink dex.

    Exeggutor, the Coconut Pokémon. Even though its three heads think independently, they are friendly and never appear to squabble.

    An odd looking picture showed up. It looked like a fat palm tree with three heads floating around the leaves.

    “So Spinarak, I guess this would be a good time to check your moves. Sorry, but I’m going to have to put you in your pokéball for a second." I scanned its pokéball and learned something that surprised me; my Spinarak is female. I put my pokédex away and brought her back out. “It looks like you can use the moves String Shot and Scary Face, but you don’t seem that scary to me.” I smiled at her. “Your ability is Insomnia, and you’re female in case you di-, oh, what am I thinking, of course you know what gender you are.”

    “Spina spin spin!” She fired a String Shot at my face.

    “Hey Spinarak, what was that for!? Can you at least get this stuff off of me?” I couldn’t help but yell.

    “Here, hold still, I got you.”

    “…Spinarak? That isn’t you, is it?”

    “Yes, it is I, the all-powerfull, magical Spinarak.”

    “When were you going to tell me you could talk? Wait, what am I saying, we’ll talk about it later. Just get this stuff off me!”

    “All done. You can open your eyes now, the string is all gone.”

    I expected to see Spinarak on my lap, but instead I saw a girl sitting across from me. She looked like she had come from Undella Town; nothing about her said trainer. Her hair was a dark brown, and she wore a black sweater, alongside a pair of nice looking jeans. “Oh my gosh… I feel so stupid.”

    She bursted out laughing. “Don’t be! I’m sure you weren’t expecting to have a stranger help you.”

    “You’re right, I wasn’t. I guess I should be thanking you though, and not my Spinarak.” She turned her head at me, and I imagined her having a laugh attack.

    “So, any idea what that String Shot was for?” For a stranger, she talked in such a polite manner.

    “Now that you mention it, I still haven’t given her any food. She’s probably starving by now.” I reached in my bag, and grabbed a can of pokéfood. “Here Spinarak, try this.” She ran up to the food, sniffed it, and backed away. “You have to be kidding me, Spinarak! I know you’re hungry, so why don’t you eat something?”

    “Excuse, what’s your name?” I almost forgot the girl was sitting there.

    “Oh, it’s Anthony. Anthony Hiltch.”

    “Well then, Anthony, I think I have something that will make your Spinarak want to eat.” She stuck her arm into her own bag, which looked more like a purse, and grabbed a nanab berry. “I had the same problem with my own Pokémon, but after I found out he likes the taste of nanab berries, he’ll eat anything I put it on.” She smiled.

    “Thanks, but how do you know this will work on my Spinarak?”

    “Because my Pokémon is part Bug-type, like yours.”

    “Well, I guess it won’t hurt to give it a shot.” I crumbled the berry and mixed it into the food. “Hey Spinarak, try this.” She sniffed the food, looked up at me, and looked back at the food. “Go ahead, its fine. I promise.” She sniffed it once more before devouring the can.

    “Looks like she really was starving.” The girl laughed.

    “Yeah, well, she hasn’t eaten since birth, so I imagine she would be.”

    “So tell me, Anthony, where are you and your Spinarak off to?”

    Now that I think about, I have no idea where I’m off to. I guess I could always take up Summer’s offer. “I’m going to Saffron City,” I said. “to meet up with a friend.”

    “Well she must be a pretty good friend, because that’s a long way on foot.” She replied back.

    “Don’t you travel on foot? What other way is there to travel?”

    “Well, let’s see, you can fly or ride on the back of a Pokémon. I do the latter. You should really think about finding something you can travel on; it can turn hours into minutes. I was going to respond when a voice came over the P.A. system.

    Excuse me everyone, but the Exeggutor I was taking care of is able to be left alone, so I may now assist trainers once again. Thank you for your patience.

    “Excuse me, but would you mind waiting a minute? I have to go talk to Nurse Joy, and I’d prefer do it now than later."

    “No problem. I would rather you take care of your Pokémon than sit and talk.” She smiled.

    Fortunately for me there was no queue, so I didn’t have to wait. “Excuse me, Nurse Joy?”

    “Oh hello dear, how may we help you today?” Right as she said "we", the strange-looking Audino ran up besides her.

    “Do you think you could take my Spinarak? He hatched only an hour ago, and I want to make sure he’s in good health.”

    “Of course! That’s what I live for. You can go sit down while he’s being taken cared for.” She smiled, and took Spinarak’s pokéball into the back.”

    I went to go sit back down by that girl. Come to think of it, I never bothered to ask her what her name is.

    “Everything alright?” She asked curiously.

    “Yup, everything is fine. Just waiting on Spinarak.”

    “Good, now where was I? Oh that’s right; find a Pokémon you can travel on. If you do, come find me in Lavender Town. I train Pokémon at the ranch there.

    “What for?”

    “You’ll know when you get there. Now, I hate to leave so soon, but I have to get back there before tomorrow, otherwise I’ll be in big trouble.”

    “How do you plan to get to Lavender Town overnight?” I couldn’t help but wonder.

    “I told you, I ride Pokémon. If you train them right, they’ll get the job done quick.”

    “Wow, I knew you said quick, but I didn’t realize they were capable of all that.”

    “Oh Anthony… You’ve only just started your journey, haven’t you? You have a whole world to discover. But before I go, take these nanab berries. There's indigenous to the Viridian Forest, so don't waste them. Now I really have to run, so I’ll be seeing you.”

    “But wait, I never g-“ I would have finished asking, but she left in such a hurry I had no time to ask.

    “Anthony, you Spinarak is finished being examined. Please come to the counter to pick it up.” Nurse Joy’s voice rang over the intercom.

    I picked up Spinarak’s pokéball, and put it in my bag. “Nurse Joy, I’d also like to give you these.” I handed her the papers that Sal gave me upon check-out.

    “Oh, so you’re one of Koga’s students. A lot of them have come by here today, most of them left in a hurry.”

    “Do you know if anyone named Summer came in?”

    “Yes, I remember her. Summer was in quite a hurry; she came in, received her license and pokédex, and left. I think I heard her say something about camping overnight.”

    “Wow, that’s gutsy. But it does sound like something she would do. Anyways, I already have a pokédex, so I won’t be needing one.”

    “Nonsense!” She smiled. “I’m sure that this pokédex has a lot more data on it than yours. Now, here is your card, pokédex, and a voucher. You can redeem that at the Pokémart tomorrow to receive supplies you’ll need on the road.”

    Wow, Koga really had this all planned out. He may be unorthodox, but he knows how to run a school. “Thanks, but just one more thing. Can I have a room for the night?”
    Last edited by Life; 5th January 2014 at 03:58 PM.

    snorlax | rest | dark aura | stick | tea | one-shot | poetry

  6. #6
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Why do you care
    Posts
    61,052
    Blog Entries
    153
    Add Flaze on Facebook
    Follow Flaze on Tumblr Visit Flaze's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Poison Touch

    I think this chapter was pretty good, we got to learn a bit more about the characters we had seen before and even got to see some new one. I think that maybe you should add a bit more description, mostly in regards to characters appearance and surroundings around Anthony. I liked the fact you gave him a Spinarak and it's a pretty cute Spinarak too.

    Oh there was something that I caught wind off

    I do the ladder
    Here it should be latter, not ladder. Aside from that I didn't notice any major grammar mistakes myself but I do recommend you keep rereading just in case, I know it can be a bit of a pain but it'll bear fruit.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •