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  1. #31
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (4)

    Well chapter 3 didn't have a lot of difference from the previous story aside from Milo obtaining a Luxio (I really wanted the Charmander) and then obtaining his brother's hat. The fourth one did have a big difference though mainly Izzi who I really like by the way I always thought that she should've at least had a longer scene with Milo.

    No one likes Spearow though :) you should make that a running gag that people tend to not take Spearow seriously.

  2. #32
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (4)

    Haha, that's a good idea for Spearow, Flame! I like it.

    Anyways, thanks everyone for reading :)

  3. #33
    How puzzling! Protopost's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (4)

    Well, it took me a while but I finally read all four chaps :D

    Moving on, I like the feel you give the story, more of a serious and realistic approach compared to the more fanciful way I normally type so that might be why it feels a bit different to me. Anyway, you also dwell into topics most people don't consider, politics, the actual danger of pokémon and even made a comment about eating rattata. Its neat to find someone actually note those little details. So far by reading, it seems you've developed your own writing style, your own flavor, and I think you excel at setting the mood so that the reader feels the intensity or lightheartedness of the situation. There are a couple grammar issues here and there but they don't really derail from the experience so I figure its no real issue. I'm not that good of a writer so I can't really find anything which I believe needs work so all I can say is keep writing, after all like the characters in your story say, its not your destination that matters but the journey.
    Legacy likes this.

  4. #34
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (4)

    Thank you Chaosj2!

    I am trying to work on my grammar, but thanks for the kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to give my story a read.

    Thanks again.

  5. #35
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (4)

    A/N: Here is Chapter 5, it is pretty much the same as the previous version, but the for those thinking the cliffhanger ending leads to the same thing in Chapter 6, be warned. Chapter 6 might begin in a TOTALLY different way...

    Anyways, thank you everyone for your support and for reading. If you could please take a second or two to leave a review, even if you've reviewed before or read the previous version, I'd appreciate the feedback.

    Thank you!



    5. The Surgeon and the Reporter



    This was the biggest mistake of my life! How could you let this happen!? How did you ever think you could do this!?

    As Milo crouched over his motionless Vulpix, angry voices inside his head tormented him, lamenting him for thinking he could go on this stupid journey by himself. If only he hadn't been such a coward and had just followed Andy to school, he and Fawkes would be at home right now, happily playing fetch in the safety of his backyard.

    But of course, he was a coward and he had run away like the gutless child he was, and because of that... Fawkes was lying bloodied on the ground at his feet, about to die... all because of him.

    Finally, after what seemed like hours, the sounds of wailing sirens in the distance interrupted Milo's despair.

    Milo paused his self-loathing and instantly scooped up Fawkes in his arms once again and took off running towards the sound. He saw the flashing lights of the red-striped ambulance and hoped it wasn't too late. He flagged down the vehicle which stopped by the side of the road just outside of the forest.

    “You the one that called?” the driver asked through his rolled-down window.

    “Y-yeah,” Milo said, his voice shaking.

    “Where's the injured person?” the driver asked, looking around.

    “It's my Vulpix!” Milo replied, sounding desperate. “It got poisoned and stabbed by something in the forest! Please help her! I know she's not a human, but I didn't know who else to call!”

    The emergency medical technician who was driving finally noticed the small, bloody creature Milo was cradling and he and his partner sprang into action. Milo was surprised to see that a boy who couldn't have been more than two or three years older than himself emerged from the passengers side of the ambulance.

    The blonde-haired teenager wasn't dressed in a white EMT uniform like the driver was, and was instead wearing a crisp pastel-yellow polo shirt tucked into tan dress pants. He looked like he was dressed more for a job interview than for rescuing an injured person, but Milo didn't have time to worry about it.

    The teenager carefully took Fawkes from Milo, not caring about her blood staining his expensive-looking attire, while the driver opened the back doors of the vehicle to let the boy climb in with her.

    “Come on!” the man yelled, beckoning Milo to join his fallen pet in the back as he held the doors open.

    Milo obeyed and jumped inside where he saw that the teenager already had Fawkes lying at the head of a human-sized stretcher and was trying to hold over her snout a plastic oxygen mask that was clearly not designed for monsters.

    Milo tried to keep from crying as he looked down at his ailing friend who looked so helpless and fragile in the position she was in. He did draw some comfort from the fact that whoever this blonde teen was, he seemed to know what he was doing.

    “We don't usually take calls about Pokémon, kid,” the teen said in a neutral tone as Milo felt the ambulance lurch forward and pick up speed.

    “I... I know, I'm sorry,” Milo stammered. “I didn't know who else to call.”

    “It's okay. You did the right thing,” the older boy assured him. “We don't have time to get to an actual vet. I think we're just gonna take her to the Maple Plain Pokémon Center and hope for the best.”

    Milo nodded. He tried his best to compose himself enough to recount what had happened in the forest for the older boy, who expertly injected some sort of clear liquid into Fawkes' abdomen with a syringe as he listened.

    “Sounds like it was a Paras that got her,” the boy speculated. “Were there mushrooms growing on its back by chance?”

    “Yeah, yeah there were,” Milo replied, sounding surprised that the boy knew.

    “Yup, definitely a Paras,” he said, sounding a bit more somber, which scared Milo. “They're insects that live in forests and other wet, dark places. Those mushrooms growing on their back are very poisonous, and somehow the Paras are able draw from that poison and use it for self-defense.”

    “Oh...” was all Milo could utter as tears once again began welling up in his eyes.

    “Anyway, we're gonna do the best we can with her,” the boy said, although he didn't look especially optimistic.

    Milo nodded nervously, the admonishing voices inside his head still berating him.

    Milo was still curious about who this well-dressed, blonde-haired teenager was and how he seemed to be such a medical expert, but he assumed that whoever he was, he must be qualified enough for the hospital to allow him to be there.

    But above all, as the blaring sounds of the sirens rang in his ears, Milo was terrified that he had seen the last of his beloved Fawkes. How stupid he had been to allow his baby Vulpix to try to fight the Paras.

    Once the ambulance had finally made its way to Milo's original destination, the Maple Plain Pokemon Center, the ambulance driver dropped Milo off at the front door of the small metal and glass building along with the older teenage boy, who was cradling the fading Vulpix in his arms as he sprinted inside the building to find assistance.

    Milo was left to meander helplessly inside and wait in the lobby, which was absolute torture.

    Under different circumstances, he would have been fascinated where he was. Just like his mother had described, the Pokémon Center was a library-sized building designed as a rest stop of sorts. In one corner of the center, Milo sat in a furnished area that reminded him of a doctor's waiting room.

    As he had come in, he had seen only a few people scattered about the building, a young couple seated at the small cafe at the other end of the facility, several other travelers enjoying the comfortable-looking couches and chairs in the lounge area, and one or two people using the public computers over by the receptionist's desk near the entrance.

    Over by the 'Nurse's Office' – as the small sign next to the door Milo was sitting outside of read – he sat in his chair with elbows on knees.

    Milo's feeling of terror that his journey would end on its first day with the death of his companion was reaching overwhelming levels.

    The older teen who had taken Fawkes had said that he would personally let Milo know the moment there was any news on her condition. But what was taking so long? The prolonged wait was wreaking havoc on Milo's nerves to the point where he had to fight back tears and sobs as he waited.

    Finally, after nearly and hour, a voice startled Milo who immediately jerked his head up.

    “Excuse me, are you Milo?”

    A young brunette woman wearing baggy green scrubs was walking towards Milo with an exhausted look on her otherwise very pleasant face. Even behind her wire-rimmed glasses, her tired blue eyes reflected how overwhelmed she was feeling.

    “Y-yes,” Milo replied nervously, trying not to let the woman see his watery eyes.

    The woman sat down in the seat next to Milo. She looked exhausted, which unnerved him. She forced a smile and took a deep breath, as though she wasn't used to dealing with such tense situations.

    “Hi, my name's Joy,” the woman greeted. “I'm the nurse on call here tonight at the Pokémon Center.”

    “How's Fawkes?! Is she going to be okay?” Milo immediately asked, his voice cracking at the end.

    “We think she's going to make it,” the woman replied. “She was lucky that the Paras that got her was probably a baby itself. The stab wounds she sustained aren't very deep and the level of venom we found in her blood wasn't consistent with that of a full grown adult.”

    “So... that's good then?”

    “Yes, well let's just say Fawkes – and I – were also lucky that Bryce Montgomery happened to be in that ambulance with you tonight.”

    “Wait, who?”

    “Bryce Montgomery. That boy who carried Fawkes in here. He's the son of Ezra Montgomery.”

    “Montgomery? The rich guy who owns all those hospitals?” Milo asked, sounding surprised. He himself had been born at Montgomery Medical Center in Viridian City fourteen years ago.

    “Yep, that's him. And Ezra's father – Bryce's grandfather – was a world-famous surgeon and his wife's a pediatrician. That whole family works in medicine, and Bryce is following right in their footsteps, I'd say.”

    “What do you mean?”

    “Well, I'm sure you saw him in action in the ambulance on the way here. You should have seen him back there!” Joy motioned with her eyes towards the backroom. “He was incredible! Administered anti-venom and sewed up her wounds like he'd been a surgeon his whole life!”

    “Isn't he just a kid though?” Milo asked, sounding impressed by the Montgomery boy. Hearing about someone only a few years older than himself who had already become so important and accomplished, did however, make him feel even more insignificant, especially considering that Bryce was the one to save Fawkes while Milo had been the one to put her in danger in the first place.

    “Yeah, seventeen, I believe. All I know is that I'm glad he was here,” Joy said. “We're very understaffed here, as you can probably see. And we aren't an actual hospital, so there's no real surgeon on duty here. I'm the only other one here, and I'm just a nurse. The most I've ever had to deal with here are minor cuts and bruises, maybe an occasional broken leg.”

    “Well, be sure to thank him for me,” Milo replied, still nervous about Fawkes. After hearing what Joy had said though, he was truly grateful that Bryce had been on that ambulance as well.

    “I'll let you do that yourself,” Joy replied. “Bryce said he wants to talk to you before he leaves. He'll be out as soon as he writes his report and gets cleaned up.”

    “Oh, okay,” Milo said, looking surprised.

    Joy gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder and smiled before standing to return to the back room. She left Milo to think about what he had learned about Bryce Montgomery. Hearing that Fawkes was likely to survive the attack felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, but it didn't decrease the extreme guilt and lack of confidence he now felt for allowing her into such danger.

    How could Milo have allowed this to happen to Fawkes? How could he have been so stupid to throw her into a fight with a wild pocket monster before she was even remotely trained? How was he ever going to win a battle at this rate? Was it worth continuing on?

    He started to doubt once again whether or not he should even be going on this adventure. If he was capable of endangering his monster's life in less than a day, perhaps he would be best served to return home and beg his mother to let him go back to school.

    Suddenly, the 'Nurse's Office' door opened. Milo held his breath as he watched Bryce Montgomery emerge.

    “Milo?” he said, his baritone voice exuding confidence.

    Bryce looked clean and as sharp as ever in a new, baby blue dress shirt, which lay snugly over his tall and muscular frame. His golden hair was combed and gelled stylishly, and his long-legged stride was confident and deliberate, which completely matched the favorable description Joy had given of him.

    “Hi,” Milo said shyly. “Bryce, right? Thanks for saving my Vulpix.”

    “Nah, it was nothing, man. Just wanted to come out and make sure you were all right before I take off,” the boy said with much machismo. He stood over the seated Milo, towering over him like someone twice his age.

    “Oh... y-yeah. Don't worry, I'm fine,” Milo responded coolly, trying to match the aura of suaveness that emanated from Bryce.

    “Good. Your Vulpix is resting. I managed to stitch up the wounds, and she is responding well to the anti-venom I gave her. She should be fine to take home by morning.”

    For the first time since entering Viridian Forest, Milo felt a glint of happiness. Knowing that he hadn't killed his pet was a great relief, and hearing that she was expected to recover helped ease some of his guilt.

    “Thanks again,” Milo said admiringly. “Are you a doctor or something? That nurse said you knew even more than her about medicine and stuff. ”

    Bryce chuckled before saying, “Well, I've been around doctors my whole life, and that's what I'm studying to do when I'm done with school. But it was just by chance that I was even in that ambulance to tell you the truth.”

    “What do you mean?”

    “Well, I'm from Viridian City,” Bryce began. “My father owns the hospital there and I'm doing an internship there, studying to be a surgeon. I was at the hospital just getting ready to leave to come here to Maple Plain when you called for the ambulance. It turned out the other EMT on call had gone out to lunch, so the supervisor asked me go with instead.”

    Milo was in awe over the amount of responsibility and respect that this kid had been given even at his young age. He felt lightyears behind the Bryce the Superhero in terms of maturity and level of accomplishment despite their narrow age gap.

    “Wait,” Milo said after a moment. “You said you were on your way here? Why's that?”

    Bryce chuckled again at the question, reaching into his pockets and pulling out two spherical objects that Milo recognized instantly even before he could open his fists.

    “I'm sure you've heard of Hugo Bowers' Kanto Battle Quest Competition,” he said proudly as he showed Milo the pokéballs he was holding, one in each hand.

    “Wow! Your competing in the contest?!”

    “Sure am. And I would never consider an injured monster a good thing... but now that we know your Vulpix is going to be okay, I can appreciate that the free ambulance ride here has saved me a bunch of time on my journey. I had planned to walk here from Viridian to check in and get my supplies, you see.”

    “So, your parents are letting you miss school to be in it?” Milo asked, still starry-eyed.

    “Yep. It's supposed to be my senior year at Viridian Academy this fall, but Dad pulled some strings so I could graduate earlier this summer in order to go on this journey.”

    Milo was shocked to hear that Bryce had attended Viridian Academy as well. To think, that under slightly different circumstances, they might have been schoolmates or battle teammates. Eager to try to establish some sort of rapport with Bryce, Milo told him about his own plans and intentions to participate in the contest as well.

    Bryce nodded and smiled, but then suddenly his expression turned as he seemed to remember something.

    “Wait,” Bryce said. “So you're a trainer, then?”

    “Yep,” Milo said, trying to sound casual.

    “So, you had your Vulpix trying to battle that Paras in the forest when she got hurt?”

    Milo instantly detected the sudden anger in his voice as he asked. Milo's scared amber eyes quickly avoided Bryce's angry green ones and stared at the ground as he felt very embarrassed and nodded his head.

    “You do realize you could have killed her!” the older boy shouted. “A Vulpix that young had no business being in any sort of battle! What the hell were you thinking?!”

    Milo opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He didn't need to raise his head and look around to know that the other people in the Pokémon Center were probably all turning to stare at him getting yelled at. Embarrassment, shame, guilt and anger all intermingled inside his head.

    “I thought you were just some kid whose pet got in an accident in the forest!” Bryce continued. “Do you realize how idiotic that was to let her fight that thing?!”

    “Yes! Yes, I do!” Milo finally found his voice again. He had sounded more defiant that he had wanted, but he wanted Bryce to stop yelling at him in front of everyone. “I was stupid, all right?! I thought that thing looked small enough for Fawkes to take down! Don't you think I feel terrible about it?!”

    “You should feel terrible! You could have killed her!”

    Bryce's rage was easily evident by now. Milo's was building too, although he was scared to show it.

    He knew full well that he deserved the tongue-lashing for his stupidity in letting Fawkes battle before she was ready, but still, he didn't like being reamed out by this kid, only slightly older than him, no matter what family he was a part of or how wealthy and important he might be.

    Milo was definitely thankful to Bryce for his medical expertise and for saving Fawkes, but he was getting sick of his shouting and know-it-all aura that he put out. Milo's fear and guilt were beginning to melt away and gave way to anger and galvanizing courage to stand up for himself.

    “Look, thanks for saving Fawkes, I really owe you for that, but--” Milo began, but was interrupted promptly by Bryce's roar.

    “You're dame right you do! You're lucky I was here tonight to save your ass! That dumb nurse here couldn't tell a stethoscope from a scalpel! If I hadn't been here--”

    “You think you're better than everyone just because your dad owns a bunch of hospitals and makes a lot of money?!” Milo heard himself snap back.

    “Better than everyone? No,” he replied with a nasty smirk. “Better than little twerps who try to get their Pokémon killed with their stupidity? Most definitely! How did you even expect to enter this competition with that puny Vulpix anyway?!”

    Milo's blood began to boil. He clenched his fists, fantasizing about throwing a fantastic punch to Bryce's smug face, but knew better due to their significant difference in size.

    “If you want to even have a chance of beating any of Bower's Coin Keepers, you're going to need to catch some stronger monsters,” Bryce announced knowingly. “But if you can't even beat a Paras, I don't think you should be too hopeful about catching anything!”

    Bryce's chortling had started to become outright laughter and he stared down pitifully at Milo. The older teen, who had seemed very polite and willing to help, had abruptly morphed into a pompous jerk the moment he had found out that Milo was hoping to compete in the Battle Quest.

    “What monsters do you have then?” Milo asked, trying to sound more skeptical than he was. In reality, he was just curious about what he was up against.

    Bryce just smirked again and calmly dropped his two pokéballs onto the floor. A thud and the explosion of light ensued. When it faded, Milo gasped and sat up straight in his seat in awe over the two creatures that had emerged from the spheres.

    A towering serpent with vibrant purple scales and dagger-like fangs stood up nearly six feet off the floor and hissed menacingly at Milo, its black forked tongue flicking out like a poisonous whip. Next to the snake, a shorter creature that looked just like a gray, trash can-sized boulder stood. The only reason Milo knew it was animate and not just a large, jagged rock was that it had beady eyes and four brawny arms protruding from its round stone-shelled body.

    Both of Bryce's monsters looked incredibly strong and mean. Milo found himself gripping the armrests of his chair tightly, his eyes firmly focused on the snake's fangs which were gleaming in the light. Suddenly the Paras in the forest that Milo had seen, seemed like an insignificant speck of dust compared to these two beasts.

    “W-what are they?” Milo stammered.

    Bryce laughed. “Wouldn't you like to know?” he taunted. “These are the kind of monsters you need to have if you hope to have any chance in this contest, kid. Your little house pet wouldn't stand a chance against these two!”

    Just then, a male security guard dressed in a blue uniform came walking over and stared up nervously at the serpent and then at the boulder monster.

    “Um... what seems to be the trouble over here, boys?” he asked a little nervously, trying to sound authoritative.

    “No trouble a'tall, sir,” Bryce replied, sounding instantly more like the charming and polite boy Milo had thought him to be upon their first meeting. “Just showing my Pokémon to my little friend here.”

    “You two participating in the Battle Quest competition then?” the guard asked.

    “Yessir. I am,” Bryce said before Milo could respond. “Just leaving now actually.”

    “Good. Can you please return your monsters to their capsules? You're not supposed to have large ones like these out inside the building, you know.”

    “Certainly. My apologies, sir,” Bryce said cheerfully. “I'm Bryce Montgomery by the way... son of Ezra Montgomery.”

    It took a few seconds for the name to register before the guard's demeanor changed entirely.

    “Oh! Why didn't you say so?!” the man exclaimed suddenly. “Your father is a great man! My dear old mother was fighting cancer a few years back and was sent to Montgomery Medical Center in Golden Valley. Best facilities you could ask for! She's been cancer free for a year now!”

    “So glad to hear that, sir! I'll be sure to pass that onto my father.”

    The security guard looked as though he was about to cry. He pointed to the information desk that was on the other side of the lobby.

    “Go on over there, Mr. Montgomery,” he said. “The lady at the desk will get you signed in and will give you everything you need for your journey. Best of luck to you.”

    Bryce flashed his movie-star-like smile and nodded curtly at the officer. He walked over and shook the man's hand as if he was some sort of politician.

    “Thank you, sir. I really appreciate the support. I guess I'll be off now!”

    And with that, Bryce casually returned his monsters to their balls with another flash of light. He shot an almost undetectable glare at Milo before sauntering off towards the information desk. The security guard, who had gushed over Bryce's presence, acted like he didn't even see Milo there once the other boy had left. The uniformed man simply walked off, leaving Milo alone to wait for Fawkes.

    Milo watched Bryce with venomous eyes as the older boy gave a charming smile to the woman behind the desk and collected his allotted pokéballs and supplies from her before marching out the front door to begin his Battle Quest.

    Deep down, he knew that Bryce was probably right. How could Milo expect to compete in the contest if Fawkes had almost been killed by something as tiny as a baby Paras? Milo couldn't get over how powerful Bryce's monsters looked; undoubtedly gifts from his wealthy father, he figured.

    Just then, Milo remembered his own pokéballs in his pocket. He remembered Luxio's powerful display of electric power and how he had almost effortlessly disposed of the Paras in one shot. This instantly seemed to help improve Milo's confidence. Even if Luxio wasn't as big or scary as Bryce's monsters, he had still shown he could take down an opponent. It was something at least.

    “Excuse me?” yet another voice from behind Milo interrupted.

    “Is she awake?!” Milo yelled as he whirled around, expecting to see Joy with news about Fawkes.

    But he realized instantly that it was not the nurse. A slender teenage girl dressed in a business-appropriate white blouse and charcoal-gray skirt was standing before him with a puzzled look.

    “Is who awake?” the teenage girl asked, her delicate face looking blank.

    Milo didn't speak right away. The girl, who was also looked a few years older than him, had long, shimmering black hair, sparkling dark doe-eyes and olive skin. He instantly realized that she was very attractive standing there in her open-toed high-heels.

    “Uh... hi,” he stammered, forgetting the question she had asked him. Milo, never having been very smooth with girls, tried his best to appear nonchalant and calm, but he felt his palms beginning to clam up and sweat starting to form on his brow.

    “Hi,” she replied politely. “I'm sorry to bother you, but the front desk lady told me that Bryce Montgomery had just been here. She said he had been over here talking to you.”

    Milo's nervous symptoms immediately ceased at the mention of the boy, and were replaced by anger once again. Of course, he thought, why wouldn't a pretty girl like this be asking about the Bryce Montgomery?

    “Oh... y-yeah, he was here,” was all Milo could think to say. “You just missed him, though. He left.”

    “Oh,” the girl replied, an unmistakable tone of disappointment in her soft voice. “Do you know where he was off to, by chance?”

    “Well, he's competing in the Hugo Bowers competition. He's already left to start his journey. “

    The girl nodded and began to scribble something in the small notepad she was holding.

    “Yup, I know about the Battle Quest competition,”she said. “That's why I'm here. My name's Rena Gallo. I'm a student reporter for the Maple Plain Tribune.”

    “A reporter?” Milo said, looking surprised.

    “Yeah, well... I guess I'm not a real reporter yet,” she admitted, “but I go to school at Maple Plain High, and I'm studying journalism. The Maple Tribune is our school newspaper.”

    Milo immediately knew why Rena was here, and why she was asking about Bryce Montgomery.

    “I see,” he said unenthusiastically. “So you wanted to do a story about Bryce, right?”

    Rena nodded. “Yes, we don't normally see too many people like him coming through Maple Plain. At first, I had planned on just coming down here and seeing if I could interview a few trainers who are participating in the competition, but I haven't met any yet. I bet a lot of them in this area couldn't get their parents to let them out of school. But when I heard that Bryce Montgomery was here...”

    Milo couldn't help himself. Had Rena not been a girl, he probably wouldn't have wanted to admit to anyone else that he was a trainer, especially after what he had let happen to Fawkes, but...

    “I'm competing in the contest too.”

    “Really?”

    “Yup. My name's Milo Youngblood.”

    Rena gave Milo an appraising look before apparently deciding that he was telling the truth. Her high-heels clicked on the tile floor as she moved to sit down in the chair next to him. She looked more than a little disappointed that Milo was not Bryce, but he figured that she was too polite to say so.

    “Okay, Milo,” she said, obviously looking as though she was trying to think of a good way to say what she was about to say. “Well... if you're in the contest too, then you probably know where Bryce is headed, right? Do you think I could come with you to find him? I really want to interview him.”

    Milo tried to remain composed, but he couldn't help letting his head drop comically at Rena's request. Despite the fact that he realized that writing a news story about some boring kid from a small farm town with no experience or powerful monsters in his possession was not nearly as intriguing as a story about the devilishly good looking son of a multi-millionaire as he fearlessly trekked the country, Milo was disappointed.

    His newly blossoming hatred for Bryce was accelerated by Rena's interest in him. But still, what else could he say? A part of him wanted to just leave the girl to worry about Bryce by herself, but something inside of him wouldn't allow it. It was a weird feeling, but Milo couldn't say no.

    “So, what do you think?” the girl repeated.

    “Uh... yeah, I guess we could go together,” he said, feeling stupid. “It might be a while though. My Vulpix is still recovering from... a little accident she had. I have to wait till she's okay, then we can leave. Might not be till morning.”

    Milo motioned towards the nurse's office as he mentioned Fawkes.

    Rena, who looked as though she had expected to leave right that second to catch up to Bryce, was noticeably disappointed when Milo mentioned leaving in the morning, but he could tell she was trying not to show it.

    “I hope your Vulpix is okay,” she said, flashing Milo a compassionate smile. “What's wrong with it?”

    “Um... well, she accidentally got a little too close to an Ursaring in Viridian Forest,” he lied. “The nurse thinks she'll be okay, though.”

    “Whoa! An Ursaring!” she said, her eyes growing wide. “Those things are huge! So you actually saw one in the forest?!”

    “Uh... yeah. Actually, there were like five of them. I saw one of them walking around looking for food, and wanted to try to catch it. But before we knew it, the rest of them appeared and attacked us... had us outnumbered. Luckily, Fawkes and I were able to hold them off long enough for us to get out of there, though.”

    Rena apparently assumed the Ursaring story was true, or at least she was too nice too say otherwise, as she and Milo talked for a while about Fawkes, about Milo's plans to win his way into the KPL, and about Rena's school newspaper project, which would allow her to miss classes in order to do some hard-hitting investigative reporting on a story of her choosing.

    Seeing that Rena seemed like a very sweet, kind girl, helped Milo feel a little more comfortable in her presence. He was pleased to find that she wasn't like most of the stuck-up "pretty girls" he had gone to school with in recent years. From talking to her, it appeared as though Rena was actually very smart, driven and sensible at the ripe old age of sixteen.

    “You're only sixteen?” he said when she told him how old she was.

    “Yeah, sixteen last week,” she giggled.

    Milo could tell that Rena probably got mistaken for eighteen or nineteen on a regular basis. It was true though, with her adult-looking attire and how well-spoken she was, she would easily pass for someone a few years older.

    The two continued to chat until the receptionist made an announcement over the loud-speaker that the Pokémon Center would be closing in fifteen minutes.

    “Well, I guess I'd better be getting to bed,” Rena said, standing up. “Did you reserve a room for the night too?”

    “No,” Milo replied truthfully. He obviously hadn't planned on spending the night in the Pokémon Center.

    A look of surprise on Rena's face was followed by a rather torn expression, as though she was debating about whether or not to say something. Finally, after a few seconds of awkward silence, she spoke.

    “Well, I called earlier today to get a guest room just in case it got late. And... I suppose since you agreed to let me come with you, I could share my room with you tonight and we could leave tomorrow morning after Fawkes gets out.”

    Milo started choking on his saliva when he heard this and nearly fell off his chair, coughing. He could feel himself blushing as he tried to steady himself in his seat, feeling incredibly embarrassed and aware that he probably looked like he was doing some sort of strange dance.

    “Uh... w-well, I mean, no. No, I couldn't intrude like that,” he gasped.

    “No, it's not a big deal,” Rena said, although she was looking as though Milo's strange behavior was causing her to reconsider her offer. “There's a couch in my room that you could crash on.”

    “No, no thanks, but I'll be fine here,” Milo heard himself say.

    “All right, suit yourself. I'll see you in the morning, Milo.”

    With that, Rena smiled and bid Milo farewell before exiting the area for the hallway across the way which apparently led to the guestrooms.

    A voice inside Milo's head was screaming and swearing at him for neglecting an opportunity to spend the night with such an attractive girl, but he convinced himself that he wanted to be in the waiting room in case there was news about Fawkes during the night. Besides, it wasn't like she had shown any interest in him at all. The only reason she had even approached him in the first place was because of Bryce.

    Milo looked around, he saw that the Pokémon Center was now deserted. Only the night time security guard remained seated at his small desk right beside the front entrance. Instantly, fatigue overcame him like a tidal wave; he had forgotten how tired he felt. He definitely wanted to get to sleep so he would be ready to escort Rena to – Milo suddenly realized that he didn't know where Bryce was headed, as he had yet to get his maps and supplies from the information desk. He had been so preoccupied with Fawkes' injury that he hadn't had a chance to check in.

    No matter, though. Tomorrow, he would get Fawkes as well as his contest materials from the receptionist, and they would be on their way... finally.

    What a day. The excitement and fear of beginning his journey. The relief of not being caged inside Viridian Academy's walls. The terror of Fawkes' ordeal in the forest. The envy and rage he felt towards Bryce Montgomery. The relief of finding out that he hadn't killed his pet. And now, finally, Milo thought as he reclined across two of the waiting room chairs, the day was over.


    The next day, the sun light shining in through the Pokémon Center windows awoke Milo. He instantly realized that his back and neck were very sore from the awkward position in which he had slept in his chair. But in addition to the rays of sunshine, a loud commotion from the other side of the building grabbed hold of his attention and didn't allow him back to sleep.

    With a yawn and a stretch of his stiff neck, Milo stood up and surveyed the scene. His first thought was about Fawkes, but there was no sign of Joy anywhere.

    Milo looked over towards the lounge area and saw that a large group of probably a couple dozen people was huddled around the large television hanging on the wall, loudly voicing emotion over whatever it was that they were watching. The crowd reminded him of the protest mob he had seen the day before, but something about their more somber and subdued tone told him it wasn't the same group.

    Milo took another look around for the nurse before letting his curiosity guide him over to see what the commotion was about.

    When he approached the group, he suddenly noticed Rena standing amongst them, still in her sleep attire. Her silky boxer shorts and form-fitting tank top immediately caught his eye, and the sight seemed to taunt him further about his decision to not accept her invitation to sleep in her room.

    “Hey, what's going on?” Milo asked, tapping Rena on the shoulder.

    To his surprise, Rena didn't turn around or act excited at all about leaving the Pokémon Center to find Bryce. She barely even acknowledged Milo at all. The only sign she gave that she had even noticed him was when she silently pointed up to the television she and the rest of the dozens of people were staring at.

    Milo followed suit and instantly, shock and horror overtook his senses when he saw what everyone had been watching on the screen.

    ___
    To Be Continued...
    Last edited by Legacy; 9th December 2011 at 03:12 PM.

  6. #36
    How puzzling! Protopost's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    Good chapter showing plenty of character depth for each one of them. I like how you gave Bryce his first impression of being a 'good guy' only to later twist it into one of a 'rival' or even 'antagonist'. Rena also seems to be well thought through as her presence doesn't feel forced. Good use of the cliff hanger, which sets up plenty of possibilities which could go in literally any direction, which kinda bugs me due to my curiosity. Also, well done by inserting psychological turmoil this time around, it helps portray a character as being more human in my opinion.

    All in all, a decent chapter though I did find a few awkward typos, but since I can't remember any of them I guess they weren't much of a big deal XP

  7. #37
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    Well this was similar to the last fifth chapter from the previous story so I don't really have much to say except that I still Bryce is an ass. Though he does a small point. Actually I always wondered that shouldn't have Milo practiced a little before he went off on his journey it was necessary since Fawkes was a domestic Pokemon so a little pre training training would've worked.

  8. #38
    Outplay the Coinflip -Glory Blaze-'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    Amazing chapter, Legacy. One small niggle is that after Rena is introdueced you use the phrase "pretty girl" like 4 or 5 times in a row. Using synonyms or slightly different wording might help it feel less redundant, but otherwise excellent work.

  9. #39
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    Thanks for all the thoughts, guys!

    You're right about the "pretty girls" thing, I went back and remedied that a bit. Anyways, thanks again for reading. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

    :)

  10. #40
    C'est ne pas un Cutlerine Cutlerine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    Well, this is certainly interesting, especially in terms of ideas: they're very good. You're exploring politics, the mechanics of the world and the concept of the journey in a way that I haven't seen many do before, which is something I always like to see; people's lack of knowledge about Pokémon, the fact that Rattata are eaten, the idea of the Battle Quest - all these are features that go into building a real and engaging world, and I'm a sucker for those.

    I do, however, have to reiterate what Dai said on the last page. The ideas are excellent, but the style needs work. He pointed out the redundancy thing - which is, incidentally, what most writers end up doing when they start - and it's an astute point; furthermore, I'd have to say that often you spend far too much time dwelling on what Milo feels, with the result that you actually end up diluting the emotional impact. Having said that, I've only noticed it in the first couple of chapters, but it's something to be aware of in future, if you have any further deep scenes. Hinting at emotion, or skirting around it, is usually far more effective than going into detail. This could broadly be grouped under the heading of redundancy, but the weakest points of the story are definitely when Milo remembers Danny and such, so I thought I'd point it out in particular.

    You do have a slight tendency to misuse words, generally mistaking ones that sound similar. I can remember one sentence that mentions 'solidarity' instead of 'solitude'; perhaps reading over what you've written might make you think twice about words that don't sound quite right.

    In addition to this, I have a slight issue with the set-up - though it need not be that much of a problem if handled right. The issue is that Milo starts with three Pokémon - that's half a team straight off, and means you can't use one of the main hooks of a journey fic, the capture of new Pokémon. Now, this story doesn't seem to need that in order to hold its readership (which is in itself fantastic, considering the number of boring, samey journey fics there are out there) but it doesn't allow for such a complete picture of the Pokémon's personalities to be built up as if they're introduced one by one. You can afford to spend more time on each new monster if they come in singly, rather than in groups - and as it is, I'm left with only a vague notion of what Fawkes and the Spearow are like, and no idea at all about the Luxio's temperament.

    Actually, talking about the Spearow, what's with its wing? How does a fourteen-year-old boy with no interest in nature at all know how to splint a bird's wing, an incredibly difficult operation for someone untrained and unused to animals? For that matter, how does the Spearow manage to flap its wing after he's splinted it, and how does it manage to start fluttering around so soon afterwards? If it really is broken, it ought to take longer than a week to heal - maybe up to six weeks or so.

    I think I might have made too much of that last point, but it irritated me at the time. You apply logic so consistently everywhere else in the story that this one illogical bit stands out more than it usually would.

    Anyway, as I said before, the base is solid and the ideas are interesting, and with only a few minor stylistic issues, there's every chance I'll return at a later date to read further chapters. Keep up the good work.

    F.A.B.
    Legacy likes this.

  11. #41
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    Well, this is certainly interesting, especially in terms of ideas: they're very good. You're exploring politics, the mechanics of the world and the concept of the journey in a way that I haven't seen many do before, which is something I always like to see; people's lack of knowledge about Pokémon, the fact that Rattata are eaten, the idea of the Battle Quest - all these are features that go into building a real and engaging world, and I'm a sucker for those.

    I do, however, have to reiterate what Dai said on the last page. The ideas are excellent, but the style needs work. He pointed out the redundancy thing - which is, incidentally, what most writers end up doing when they start - and it's an astute point; furthermore, I'd have to say that often you spend far too much time dwelling on what Milo feels, with the result that you actually end up diluting the emotional impact. Having said that, I've only noticed it in the first couple of chapters, but it's something to be aware of in future, if you have any further deep scenes. Hinting at emotion, or skirting around it, is usually far more effective than going into detail. This could broadly be grouped under the heading of redundancy, but the weakest points of the story are definitely when Milo remembers Danny and such, so I thought I'd point it out in particular.

    You do have a slight tendency to misuse words, generally mistaking ones that sound similar. I can remember one sentence that mentions 'solidarity' instead of 'solitude'; perhaps reading over what you've written might make you think twice about words that don't sound quite right.

    In addition to this, I have a slight issue with the set-up - though it need not be that much of a problem if handled right. The issue is that Milo starts with three Pokémon - that's half a team straight off, and means you can't use one of the main hooks of a journey fic, the capture of new Pokémon. Now, this story doesn't seem to need that in order to hold its readership (which is in itself fantastic, considering the number of boring, samey journey fics there are out there) but it doesn't allow for such a complete picture of the Pokémon's personalities to be built up as if they're introduced one by one. You can afford to spend more time on each new monster if they come in singly, rather than in groups - and as it is, I'm left with only a vague notion of what Fawkes and the Spearow are like, and no idea at all about the Luxio's temperament.

    Actually, talking about the Spearow, what's with its wing? How does a fourteen-year-old boy with no interest in nature at all know how to splint a bird's wing, an incredibly difficult operation for someone untrained and unused to animals? For that matter, how does the Spearow manage to flap its wing after he's splinted it, and how does it manage to start fluttering around so soon afterwards? If it really is broken, it ought to take longer than a week to heal - maybe up to six weeks or so.

    I think I might have made too much of that last point, but it irritated me at the time. You apply logic so consistently everywhere else in the story that this one illogical bit stands out more than it usually would.

    Anyway, as I said before, the base is solid and the ideas are interesting, and with only a few minor stylistic issues, there's every chance I'll return at a later date to read further chapters. Keep up the good work.

    F.A.B.
    Very good points. I do struggle with the balance of Milo's feelings. I think I need to remember the "show, don't tell" rule more. And yeah, as for the word usage, I need to clean that up as well. Mostly, I think the length of the chapters bogs me down when it's time to go back and proofread, but yes, excellent advice all around!

    Thank you very much. I appreciate the kind words as much as the constructive criticism!

    Appreciate it :)

  12. #42
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    Bryce is an asshole as usual, I see.

    I haven't read too much of this since I've been lurking elsewhere, but it still seems interesting. The main idea seems to have remained the same, from the little that I have read of it, but you've moved a few details around.

    Anyway, keep up the good work.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  13. #43
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    Good to see you, Zek! Thanks for reading.

  14. #44
    Just Browsing Around Akimbo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    I was disappointed when you stopped writing the original version of this, but I think I'm going to enjoy this version much more.
    There are a few bits and pieces where you've made slight spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, but nothing too major.
    As with the previous one Milo still makes me cringe with his little lies, but the story telling is great and I'm thoroughly enjoying this story.

  15. #45
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (5)

    So it's in editing I presume. Well if it's for the better.

    Your characterizations are your greatest asset, and I think you've crafted a group of characters that are really going to be great writing for. I recommend trying to develop the Pokemon's personalities a little bit more to make them each different characters rather then generic beings. I'm following this story.

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