Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (7) - Page 10
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Thread: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (7)

  1. #136
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (7)

    Quote Originally Posted by Fiendfyre View Post
    I just spent the better part of an hour reading this. It is absolutely amazing. It's such a fresh start to the Pokémon universe, and it incorporates a lot of things that I've always thought of changing/doing. I'm glad you did this, because it makes any attempt I've ever made look pathetic. My favorite part, without a doubt, is the battle on television at the beginning. It really captures the essence of a professional sporting event... giving the teams names and making each trainer be an individual part of the team really resonates with me, because I love sports. It's actually how I've imagined televised battles going. I also like how the journey is made to be more like a contest instead of just something for kids to do when they turn 10, haha.
    Thank you so much for reading!

    I really appreciate that you took the time :) I too grew up watching and playing Pokemon but wanted to put my own more-realistic spin on the concept. I too love sports and always felt like Pokemon battling was more like that than the "everyone just does this when they turn 10 years old" thing like you mentioned.

    Anyways thanks again for reading!

    Coming Soon...

  2. #137

    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (7)

    Wow, I just finished readinf the seven chapters, and I must say you're doing a very good job. Keep it up!

  3. #138
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (7)

    Thanks Sperance!

    Coming Soon...

  4. #139
    Wordsmith unrepentantAuthor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (7)

    Apologies for my lateness, I ran into unexpected eventualities in real life. Regardless, here is my review of chapter one: "The Announcement".

    Interesting how you set up the fic. I think it works quite well, even if it's one of those slightly overly-expository introductions which is telling the reader - and the characters - things they certainly already know. It's not really an issue, though, and the things mentioned do hint at the concepts to be explored in the fic; one infers pokémon rights are most certainly on the agenda, which is promising. I'm not sure that the starkness of the switch from 'perfect harmony' to modern training is a good thing. Some mention of primitive training and perhaps apricorn use in the lead-up to pokéball development might seem somehow realer.

    The early characterisation is not exceptional but it shows mechanical competence - sans grammatical errors - as does the narrative style. You're generally abiding by show-not-tell, which is good. However, you could benefit from making the early text more distinctive; classroom openings are fairly insipid fare. There's no specific failings this far in, which implies you have the ability to create a stronger hook for new readers.

    He always thought his friend would make a perfect actor and might be better served trying out for the school play rather than the battle team.
    This kind of comment is amusing; I'm sure humour will be an advantageous factor in the fic.

    Rattata meat is considered a delicacy. It's actually very delicious... or so I've read.
    Neither of the male protagonists seem enticing, although I like that for once the lead male isn't a battle-hungry kid with a catch-em-all complex. Izzy, however, I want to see more of. Her 'peculiar personality' is intriguing, and more dialogue like the above quote is very welcome.

    her green apron was dusted with flour, obvious signs that she had been busy cooking.
    Because they're obvious signs, there's no need to point it out. You're both showing and telling the reader she's been cooking, and the latter is redundant. It's bad form to tell the reader things they'd be better off inferring.

    I quite like the rather different take on pokémon battling, with the team system. It's enough to suggest that you're doing more than regurgitating standard fare, encouraging further reading. regardless, the pace is frankly too slow. I think you could do with pruning the superfluous segments to streamline the scene - it's unnecessary for the reader to be told how fast the gyarados is, and then listen to the protagonists comment on it.

    The final segment, in which the true premise is at last revealed, is fairly interesting. It's certainly fresh, and I approve. I'll be making my way through the rest of this fic to see whether it matches my expectations - if it does, it'll be an enjoyable read.

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