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  1. #1
    Hyper Hedgehog Psycho Deoxys's Avatar
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    Default A Passerby Boy's story

    Index!
    Part 1: The Beginning of The End
    Part 2: Gym 1: Feather Dust




    by Blazaking


    Chapter 1: Johto
    Part 1: The beginning of an endless journey


    “Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” A redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon who obeyed, sending a massive water ball from his mouth, blasting off the fire-type Typhlosion, knocking him out.

    Another boy, the owner of Typhlosion nicknamed Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké ball:
    “Saur! Go!” , As he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!”, he ordered. Then, huge vines came out from the ground.

    “How did I get into this?..”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. Then he remembered…

    Silver is looking through the window of Prof. Elm’s lab.

    “Here you go, Ethan. That’s a Cyndaquil Poké Ball”, he said, giving the Poké Ball to the young boy.

    Overjoyed by his first Pocket Monster, Ethan opened the poke Ball and held the Pokémon in his arms.
    “I think I’ll name him Pyro” Ethan Said.

    The professor then said something about an errand, a discovery and a Mr. Pokémon, and then Ethan leaved.

    Then, when professor Elm had his back turned, Silver sneaked in, and stole a Totodile and ran away heading west to Cherrygrove city, kicking off any Pokémon on his way.

    On the entrance of Cherrygrove, he met up with Ethan:
    "Who are you?! Get out of my way", he said, throwing out a Pokéball.

    Totodile popped out of it. Ethan didn't even have to do this, as Pyro was standing right next to him. Pyro approached Totodile a bit, who, without any alert, sprayed a Water Gun at him, almost knocking him out. When Totodile saw that Pyro didn't faint, he started dancing in a weird manner.

    "What the...", Silver said.

    "That's Dragon Dance!" Ethan noted, "But Totodile aren't supposed to learn that move..."

    "Enough talking!", shouted Silver,"Totodile, finish up that Cyndaquil with... Any move you know!"

    Totodile's claws glowed green, and he slashed Pyro, who tried to counter with Ember, but failed and fainted.

    “That’s no ordinary Totodile!”, Ethan said with confusion but Silver had already scurried out of his sight. He was running like never before the wind was blowing through his hair. As he arrived to Route 30, he saw a few boys battling and blocking the way.

    “Make a hole!”, he said with anger

    “We’re kinda busy here!”, said a boy using a Rattata.

    “If you’re not gonna go away, I’m gonna make you!”, shouted Silver as he released his Totodile, “Water Gun!”. As he said that, a stream of water rushed out of Totodile’s mouth and hit the other boy’s Pidgey, sending him 10 feet away. “Now back off kid, unless you want your Rattata to suffer the same thing!”

    “Don’t you know who I am?”, said the kid, “I am Joey Grant, the toughest trainer around! Now Rattata, use Hyper Fang and show this rebel how we do it!”

    “Rebel? Seriously? Totodile counter with that glowing-scratch-thing attack!”

    Before Rattata could arrive to Totodile, the latter’s fingers glowed green and scratched the former, who fainted directly. Joey showed a look of disappointment in his face. Keeping his undefeated streak was the most precious things he ever had.

    Silver, feeling guilty for the first time in his life, told him he won’t tell anyone about this battle on one condition: helping him on his quest. Joey was more than happy to do so as he always wanted to explore Johto. Thus began the adventure of the formerly known Passerby Boy: Silver
    .
    But this adventure is far from easy as a sinister presence, or, should I say, two sinister presences are ready to be unleashed on Johto!



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    Part 1 The Begginning Of The End.rar
    Last edited by Psycho Deoxys; 22nd June 2011 at 08:15 AM.
    A Passerby Boy's story: Silver's Fight against the altered Dimensions

    Credit to Blazaking for the Awesome banner!

  2. #2
    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    I quite like the idea, but look at other fics on the forum and see they have longer chapters. I can't really mark on a Chapter this short, so please lengthen it.
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
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    Hyper Hedgehog Psycho Deoxys's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Um.. How about I make it chapter 1 part 1?
    A Passerby Boy's story: Silver's Fight against the altered Dimensions

    Credit to Blazaking for the Awesome banner!

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Yeah... best idea would be to make it longer. Both include more plot, and flesh out what you have already. You're just zooming through everything like you're just summarizing what happens.

    There's nothing wrong with a summary, but when a summary is the entire story, it tends to leave people... unsatisfied.

    And making it "chapter 1 part 1" is fine.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    I'd be able to give a detailed response if it was longer.
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

  6. #6
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Quote Originally Posted by PsychoDeoxys View Post
    “Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” A redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon who obeyed, sending a massive water ball from his mouth, blasting off the fire-type Typhlosion, knocking him out.
    Another boy, the owner of Typhlosion nicknamed Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké ball:
    “Saur! Go!” , As he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!”, he ordered. Then, huge vines came out from the ground.
    “How did I get into this?..”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. Then he remembered…

    Silver is looking through the window of Prof. Elm’s lab.
    “Here you go, Ethan. That’s a Cyndaquil Poké Ball”, he said, giving the Poké Ball to the young boy.
    Overjoyed by his first Pocket Monster, Ethan opened the poke Ball and held the Pokémon in his arms.
    “I think I’ll name him Pyro” Ethan Said.
    The professor then said something about an errand, a discovery and a Mr. Pokémon, and then Ethan leaved.
    Then, when professor Elm had his back turned, Silver sneaked in, and stole a Totodile…
    These two make for brilliant events for a prologue or a chapter one. You're packing two sandwiches for lunch today. However, as your story is, both sandwichs are just bread. Nothing is in between the slices of bread. it feels unfufilling just bringing two bland sandwiches to school for lunch.

    Add meat. Ham. Pork. The main juiciness of the "sandwich" subplot is the plot. Your characters are just having teir Pokemon throw their strongest attacks at each other. No. That's not how you get to the championship. You get there by tactical choices. Let's see you take on a UU team with a Feraligatr which does nothing but blast Hydro Cannon. Won't work. You want your meat to be the main feature of your sandwich, so make it as interesting as possible. Have them battle for a little more than just their final attacks being thrown back and forth. Have them exchange blows, flames, punches, kicks, roars. Anything that would make this subplot more...interesting?

    Your other sandwich also needs more meat. So he steals it. Big deal. Add the meat. Maybe he runs into a Team Rocket member. Maybe the main character stumbles in and they engage in battle. Maybe Professor Elm does a wrestling move on him and breaks his left shoulder. We need meat for this sandwich.

    Second, we need vegetables. Everyone hates vegetables, but you need them in your sandwich if you want it to be healthy and if you it to pass your mom's health and safety checks. You don't want that rice pudding now. Description is your vegetable. You need to describe the intensity of the attack. Was the Hydro Cannon like a tidal wave or was it like a splash? What was the effect on the opponent's Pokemon? What was the trainer's expression? Questions that need answers. Sandwiches which need vegetables.

    So you've got meat, you've got veg, what else? Cheese? Sauce? Grab that sauce, grab that sweet delicious characterization. Without characterization, your characters and your entire sandwich, your story, is totally bland. you can bring that sandwich to school, but you're certainly not going to enjoy it. So tell us about Silver's emotions. What was he feeling when his Pokemon was going to be hit with Frenzy Plant? What was he thinking when he stole that Totodile? Ask yourself these questions.

    That is all the advice I have to give you. Remember: To make a sandwich (story), you need meat (plot), vegetables (description) and sauce (characterization). Focus on these and you'll probably make a decent Apricot collector sandwich.
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  7. #7
    Man, Myth, Legend Marik's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    ^Someone's hungry. Anyway, I love Johto. I'll be keeping an eye on this, even if this may infringe on Son of Earth a bit.

  8. #8
    Hyper Hedgehog Psycho Deoxys's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Um i don't eat pork.. anyways i'll add salad and btw, this is just part of the battle, so Feraligatr could have use like i don't know dragon dance b4
    A Passerby Boy's story: Silver's Fight against the altered Dimensions

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  9. #9
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Quote Originally Posted by PsychoDeoxys View Post
    Um i don't eat pork.. anyways i'll add salad and btw, this is just part of the battle, so Feraligatr could have use like i don't know dragon dance b4
    Keyword? Could have. Your sandwich could have cucumber in it before but it fell out and is sticking to the sides of your lunchbox. Don't tell me what could have happened before. Show us what happened before.
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  10. #10
    Hyper Hedgehog Psycho Deoxys's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    You people are so confusing
    A Passerby Boy's story: Silver's Fight against the altered Dimensions

    Credit to Blazaking for the Awesome banner!

  11. #11
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Would you rather I tell you that Ash won the Pokemon League or I tell a story about the battles he had right until that final championship where he beats Gary and becomes the champion?
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

  12. #12
    Hyper Hedgehog Psycho Deoxys's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Update!
    A Passerby Boy's story: Silver's Fight against the altered Dimensions

    Credit to Blazaking for the Awesome banner!

  13. #13
    Event Collecter Ninjawes's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Wow!! Thats a great story Psycho Deoxys!! Cant wait till the other parts!

  14. #14
    Hyper Hedgehog Psycho Deoxys's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    Thanks!
    A Passerby Boy's story: Silver's Fight against the altered Dimensions

    Credit to Blazaking for the Awesome banner!

  15. #15
    Registered User Ivysaur's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Passerby Boy's story

    You need to work on your spacing, first and foremost. It's a chore to read what is essentially a wall of text. So, instead of this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Psycho Deoxys View Post
    “Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” A redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon who obeyed, sending a massive water ball from his mouth, blasting off the fire-type Typhlosion, knocking him out.
    Another boy, the owner of Typhlosion nicknamed Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké ball:
    “Saur! Go!” , As he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!”, he ordered. Then, huge vines came out from the ground.
    “How did I get into this?..”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. Then he remembered…
    Do this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Psycho Deoxys View Post
    “Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” A redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon who obeyed, sending a massive water ball from his mouth, blasting off the fire-type Typhlosion, knocking him out.

    Another boy, the owner of Typhlosion nicknamed Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké ball:

    “Saur! Go!” , As he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!”, he ordered. Then, huge vines came out from the ground.

    “How did I get into this?..”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. Then he remembered…
    Aside from that, you need to work your punctuation and spelling. There are also a few awkward-sounding sentences, as well as a few run-on sentences (too long) and the occasional sentence fragment (too short). Also, make sure you stick to one tense; I'm assuming you're going for past tense. Fix all the aforementioned problems, and it looks like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Psycho Deoxys View Post
    “Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” a redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon. It obeyed, and sent a massive water ball from his mouth, which impacted the fire-type Typhlosion and knocked him out.

    Another boy, the owner of the Typhlosion which was nickname Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké Ball.

    “Saur, Go!” he called, and as he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!” he ordered, as huge vines came out from the ground.

    “How did I get into this...?”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. And then he remembered…
    Finally, try to make your writing more dynamic and interesting. Use metaphors and similes, and try to make your writing as descriptive as possible without being too boring. As a final piece of advice, try to make your story your own. Sure, with so many great stories out there, many great writers will end up imitating certain concepts and ideas, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't implement your own ideas.

    Hope I helped! :)
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