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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default The Passage

    I wrote the first form of this fan-fiction sometime in late 2007, or early 2008. Now, after severe reworking of the plot, it is here! It will, for the most part, be a generic start, with a human character forming a partnership with a Digimon character, as I tried to keep the basic plot intact, but I plan for some variations to be scattered around the formula, and hopefully, they'll be to your liking.

    The first chapter, and some of the second chapter, are very unkind when it comes to informing readers of concepts they might not be aware of, but all of these will be revisited and explained, so if you decide to read this, please bear with it. Explaining those things when the story is told via characters who already know all of these concepts seemed unnecessary to me, so I opted to wait for some characters, that will be substitutes for the audience, to make an appearance before I delve into those concepts. They'll start appearing in the second chapter.

    The first chapter is over 4,500 words long, and this is a Digimon fan-fiction (otherwise known as: a "NOT POKÉMON" fan-fiction), but I hope those facts don't deter you from reading this story. Enjoy, and all criticism is welcome, no matter how short your comment is!

    Rated "Teen" for depiction of blood, as well as some violence, obviously.

    Master Blog


    Contents
    §1: Many New Journeys
    §2: Partnership
    §3: The Young World
    §4: Marshlands & Upturned Fields
    Last edited by Kyuuketsuki; 28th March 2014 at 09:43 AM.

  2. #2
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default §1: Many New Journeys

    It was always the darkest hour of night that seemed safest to Owlmon. When the hunters retreated and the preys died. It was right after the weak fell, leaving behind a symbol of their short existence. Only then was it safe for the Digimon to take into the air.

    His brown wings gave no sound as he beat them. He was scanning the ground with his eyes, safely sheltered behind a pair of mechanical goggles. Most of his body was mechanical, a result of evolving using a Digimental. His talons were made out of metal, and his tail was composed of planks of it.

    The field Owlmon had been flying over was empty of the Digimon that previously roamed it, having either retreated for the night, or died in the battle that ensued. Their data was nowhere to be seen, likely still roaming the Digital World. But one particular set of data had formed itself.

    It had been in one of the most obscure of places. The DigiTama was in one of the many craters scattered along the field, and a large tree had fallen on it. If Owlmon had been flying any higher, he might not have noticed it.

    Silent as always, he swooped down and settled on the trunk; he was small enough to creep into the crater, get the DigiTama, and get out, but he was bound to make some noises. The rocks around the dent seemed susceptible to fall, and the borders were so fragile that they were crumpling away whenever the calm wind stirred them. A single flap of his wings, no matter how silent, will send it all crashing down.

    He hopped down from the trunk, careful not to rustle the leaves or make any sound. Owlmon quickly scanned the area with his goggled eyes; there were some Digimon sleeping, and they were bound to come attack him if he was to make any noise. Suddenly, the DigiTama didn’t seem to be worth it; if he flew away now, he could save his own life.

    He looked around once more; a total of three Digimon would reach him within seconds, and even if he managed to fly away, one of them was capable of long-ranged attacks, but what he was most worried about was the Shutumon that had been nested in the thickets of a tree. It was more than a capable flyer, and considering its power to command the wind, Owlmon was sure it was to be feared more than anything else he could spot, even if it was the farthest of the Digimon he could see.

    He directed his attention back to the DigiTama; it was camouflaged perfectly into the night, likely why it went unnoticed. It was a very dark purple that blended into its surroundings, with only a small white blotch telling it apart. It pained him to come to that decision, but saving it was going to be suicide; he slowly hopped away, waiting for any variable to change his mind, but in those desperate moments, nothing had happened.

    He took a few more steps back, away from the crater, and rose into the air. Maybe it will still be there tomorrow, and maybe then it will easier to swoop in and fly off with it.

    ‘I’m just terrible,’ Owlmon whispered to himself, his eyes still on the DigiTama as he went higher. ‘Maybe tomorrow…’

    It was then that a faint noise echoed from the crater, and a crack appeared along the DigiTama, slowly making its way to the end as the noise intensified. It was very quiet, but amidst the silence of the night, it was a shrill scream. Owlmon paused in the air, suddenly finding the variable he had been looking for, even if it was going to make his job a lot harder.

    When a Tuskmon had stirred, the realisation had finally hit Owlmon; the noise could no longer be avoided. He flapped his wings once more, and descended into the hole. The Digimon needed to build up its strength by breaking out of the egg, but the noise was going to attract all the prey that had been sleeping around it; that step was going to have to be sacrificed.

    Owlmon had broken his talons through the shell, the dirt and the rocks behind him had begun to crumple, and the Shutumon’s tree had started rustling. The baby was panicking, exploding into tears as Owlmon wrapped it in his grip and flew off with it, his back brushing the leaves of the fallen trunk.

    A shriek pierced through the night, and several Digimon roared in response, but Owlmon had gotten high enough to avoid all those that had been sleeping on the land. The baby was crying and squirming around, desperately trying to get away. The wind intensified, and seemed to focus on Owlmon’s wing as another shriek penetrated his ears.

    He chanced one glance back, only to confirm his worst fears; Shutumon was right behind them. Two golden wings sprouted from her back, and two blue wings grew out of her hair. She was a humanoid-looking Digimon, and only parts of her body were mechanical. A mask obstructed most of her face, but just by looking at her wide eyes, Owlmon knew that she had targeted him as a prey.

    She was substantially stronger than Owlmon, and he knew that fighting wasn’t an option. Unlike his beats, Shutumon’s wings were very loud and audible, and it was one of the advantages he had against her.

    She gave another shriek, and the wind shot through Owlmon’s wing like a bullet. He screamed out in pain, fell several metres, and struggled to get back into an organised flying pattern. The Digimon he had been carrying was still crying, although the sounds were growing fainter as the newborn was exhausting all of his strength.

    Shutumon gave another shriek, and Owlmon tried to change his course, but the wind surrounding him didn’t allow it, and the razor currents slashed his second wing. He stumbled again, and had almost dropped the noiseless Digimon; it became very quiet, and silence was once again on Owlmon’s side.

    He could do nothing but utilise the stealth Shutumon lacked; he had to lose her. Throwing another glance back, he realised how much damage his wings had sustained, as he was flying slower, and she was getting closer to him, her arm extended to grab onto her meal. He knew that he had no other choice but to fly back; he couldn’t change his direction, as Shutumon’s mastery of the wind prevented him from flying in anything but a straight line.

    He folded his wings together and drew his talons into his body; his tail shot up and the metal planks drew themselves apart. He saw nothing, but felt the sharp fingers of the Shutumon clinging onto his tail as he passed her, slowly ripping it apart as he fell down and carried the enemy with him.

    Dragging her, and the resistance she put up, was causing Owlmon’s tail to be shredded apart; even if was just a mechanical part of him, it was still painful, and it took all his willpower not to clench his talons in pain and crush the Digimon. She reached her second arm, trying to grab the newborn, which was shaking in fear, but managed to spit tiny iron beads at the Shutumon.

    It was only for a moment, but she flinched as the beads hit her eyes, and her fingers ripped themselves free from Owlmon’s tail. He quickly straightened himself and flew into the forest that was below him; he did not know when the chase led him out of the battlefield, and into a forest, but he was grateful for it. His wings had been bleeding, and his entire body pained him more than anything else he has experienced. A tree’s roots were slightly sprouting from the ground, and a safe hollow showed itself beneath it. He ducked into it, dropping the Digimon, and crashing into the opposite wall.

    A strong wind blew through the entire forest, and the Shutumon’s cries echoed through it, lamenting the loss of a prey. Owlmon’s vision was hazy, and his breaths were infrequent. He tried to catch his footings, but all he could was flail around whenever he moved, as any movement was causing his tail to ache him. He was as pathetic as one of those “human birds” he had seen when he visited the human world.

    He gave his body a chance to calm down as the wind died away; Shutumon must’ve made her way back to the battleground, deeming the search for the Owlmon an unnecessary burden for a small prize. He slowly, but with much wincing, turned around to face the newborn.

    He was whimpering, and tears were still pouring down his face. The Digimon had a purple fur that Owlmon recognised as Mithril Hair; his eyes were yellow, and a white blotch, not unlike the one that had been on the DigiTama, speared across his mouth.

    ‘Those are rare,’ whispered Owlmon, and his voice made the Digimon flinch. ‘I’m not going to hurt you. My name is Owlmon, and for the record, you are a Dodomon.’

    The newborn kept on whimpering, and even though the opening was right next to it, he stayed his ground.

    ‘Of course,’ said Owlmon. ‘You don’t even know how to take your first steps; go on then, just jump towards me. Hop!’

    Dodomon still didn’t move, nor show any signs of movement. He didn’t even break out of his egg, and that process required the newborn to repeatedly smash against the inner shell to break free, simultaneously taking his first hop; Dodomon was missing that, and Owlmon had to show him the way.

    But his tail, being as damaged as it was, didn’t allow it; even though he was in a pathetic heap on the ground, he still shivered, and the metal planks were stinging him with every whiff of cold air that made its way into the tree trunk. He extended his wing to the Dodomon, making it jump up infrequently; it was still a chore to do so, but it was better than the alternative.

    Dodomon’s focus was on the wing; it was damaged and bleeding, but it was the hops that drew his attention. He calmed down, and Owlmon gave a sigh of relief. He extended his second, much more damaged wing. The left one, having suffered a slash of razor wind, was missing a lot of the feathers that previously coated it, and like the right wing, it was bleeding.

    He made it hop along the first wing, before slowly retreating them. Dodomon tried to follow the mysterious, but harmless formations, only to stumble onto his face, and roll around the ground to try and straighten himself; he was a mere ball of fur, and a small one.

    Owlmon drew the wings farther away, and that time, the Dodomon had managed to catch air before stumbling and falling again. With each draw, the Dodomon hopped better, and by the end, he wasn’t inclining his nose forward and smashing into the ground, nor aimlessly jumping and rolling backwards.

    ‘There you go,’ said Owlmon; it was an effort to even talk. ‘Now you can go anywhere you want. You’re as perfect as a newborn can be.’

    Even though he didn’t understand a word that Owlmon had said, Dodomon had started to trust the Digimon; the wing exercise had convinced him that his significantly larger, bloody, torn companion was of no harm to him. He snuggled into Owlmon’s chest, one of the few places of his body that wasn’t mechanical, and took comfort amongst the warm feathers, falling asleep rapidly.

    §


    Owlmon did not wake up until the following night, and the Dodomon was still asleep; he had used all his energy the night before. The pain had mostly waned away, and Owlmon’s shredded tail was as numb as it had always been, but having neglected to even clean his wounds, Owlmon was sure they caught an infection during his sleep.

    He could go for a few days without any food, even in his injured state, but Dodomon was going to need to eat something, and the two needed a shower, as Dodomon had soiled Owlmon’s feathers. There had to be a body of water somewhere around the forest, as well as some simple mushrooms that he could grind for the baby.

    He picked up the sleeping Digimon, and held him close as he ducked out of the tree trunk. The forest was quiet, and showed no sign of whatever rage Shutumon unleashed upon it. With his impeccable sight, he managed to track down a running river as Dodomon woke up.

    Owlmon settled into the water with Dodomon, cleaning the baby before he started cleaning himself. He started thinking about Mireille; he had promised the human that he would be back eventually, but knowing her, she was bound to worry.

    Both of Mireille’s parents were tamers, and Owlmon had met and worked with them, in their youth. They retired from that business after getting married, choosing jobs that didn’t put their lives at risk. Digimon weren’t a secret to Mireille, and she chose to pursue that life. Even though Owlmon wasn’t her partner, the two still cared about each other.

    After the pair had gotten out of the river, Owlmon crushed some edible mushrooms for Dodomon, and fed the baby as the darkest hour crept once more. Dodomon started whimpering and shaking, fearing history to repeat itself, but Owlmon was sure the trip back was going to be much easier.

    ‘It will be okay,’ said Owlmon. ‘We’re going to fly back to Mireille, and she’s going to take care of you.’

    Owlmon’s plan was simple. Even though he mostly regarded the humans’ actions as being too much of an unneeded interference in the Digital World, he couldn’t deny that they were useful, and were more than willing to help. He would give the Dodomon to Mireille to take back home, and like other newborns that he had rescued from the battlefield, they would take care of him until he can go back to the wild, while Owlmon recuperates from his injuries.

    He had cleaned his wings of the blood that had covered them, and plucked away some of the feathers that were torn and ripped. He wrapped a single talon around Dodomon, and took into the air; he wasn’t as silent as he could’ve been, but his wings, no matter how injured, only made the slightest of noises. As he flew, a faint sting started in his tail, but he managed to persevere on.

    §


    An entire day had passed since Owlmon took off into the battleground, and the fights had started and ended again. Mireille was in a cave that overlooked the field, where Owlmon had left her with her partner, a Liollmon.

    He greatly resembled a lion cub. His fur was golden and thin, and a small tuft of burning red hair was perched on his head. His eyes were striking blue, muscular arms led to his clawed paws, and a collar was wrapped around his neck, from which a circular, green emerald hung.

    He was lying on his stomach, and had his eyes focused on Mireille. Even though she was trying not to show it, he knew that his partner was worried about Owlmon. She was focused on the sky, hoping to see any sign of the bird. Her arms held her knees close to her chest as the wind ruffled her hair.

    She was always pale, and her eyes were a dark green. Light brown hair topped her head, and it was cut very short. Mireille was too skinny for her own good; her ranger clothes were very loose, and almost everyone who knew her had noted that she looked sick.

    ‘He’ll come back,’ said Liollmon, even though he knew that his words wouldn’t comfort Mireille. ‘He always comes back.’

    ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Mireille. ‘Of course he always comes back. I’m worried that he won’t, this time.’

    ‘At least he’s safe,’ said Liollmon. ‘He knows the Digital World more than we do; we both grew up outside it.’

    ‘Maybe that large thing got him; the one we saw fly.’

    ‘It came back empty-handed.’

    ‘Did it though?’ said Mireille. ‘Maybe what we saw isn’t what really happened. Maybe we chose what we saw. I mean, it was too far away for us to tell if it had anything.’

    ‘Either way, there’s nothing we can do,’ said Liollmon. ‘If he’s alive, then he’ll come back; if he’s dead, then that’s it. We might as well honour his last wish of not going after him.’

    ‘Maybe you should evolve into Liamon and seek him out.’

    ‘Again: his last wish was for us not to search for him if he doesn’t come back, and he told you not to worry.’

    ‘Don’t be so blunt,’ said Mireille. ‘You’re only making it worse.’

    ‘Right, and hiding from the truth will bring his back,’ said Liollmon. ‘You wouldn’t worry if the same thoughts weren’t going through your mind.’

    Mireille gave a sigh, the same one that signified the end to a conversation. Liollmon moved closer to his partner, and rested by her side; she was tough to deal with whenever she was in a state of worry, but she always came around after everything had settled down. It wasn’t their first disagreement, and he knew that it wouldn’t be their last.

    Clouds drifted over the large moon that was poised in the darkening sky as the pair stared for any sign of Owlmon. Like his partner, Liollmon was worried about the Digimon, as it was only a little more than two years ago that Owlmon had rescued a DigiTama from the battlefield, an egg that eventually hatched into a Popomon.

    Even though Owlmon hadn’t taken care of the baby, he took it upon himself to find a suitable home for him, and Mireille, then a 15-year-old starting her career as a tamer, was kind enough to take him in. With her care, Popomon became a Liollmon, and was even able to achieve an Adult level, a Liamon.

    Owlmon had rescued plenty of eggs and newborns, and Liollmon convinced himself that he wasn’t special to Owlmon, but the fatherly Digimon was special to Liollmon, and as much as he tried to ease his feelings, the truth was that he was just better at hiding them than Mireille.

    ‘I still think we should search for him,’ said Mireille. ‘You’re pretty fast as Liamon.’

    ‘I think you’re overestimating me,’ said Liollmon. ‘Even if I am fast enough, I’m not quiet enough; going through that field would be suicide, especially with you on my back. These savages won’t even let night get in their way. Our best option is to wait.’

    It was then that a small figure became clear in the sky. Hope resurged in Mireille’s eyes, and she bolted herself into a stand. It was small enough to be Owlmon, but the erratic behaviour of flying made the pair doubt. His eyesight wasn’t as sharp as Owlmon, but Liollmon’s eyes were still better than Mireille, and the closer the figure got, the more details Liollmon could make out.

    ‘It is Owlmon!’

    Mireille would’ve lit up with happiness, but Owlmon didn’t seem able to maintain an altitude. He almost fell several times, and as he got closer, it became clear to her that his wings were damaged. She reached out to grab him, and the small gesture must’ve encouraged Owlmon, as he flew towards her, and fell into her arms, a Digimon rolling away from his talons as he did so. He was panting, and Mireille noted that, like his wings, his tail was severely damaged.

    ‘Oh, Owlmon,’ said Mireille, on the verge of tears. ‘I should’ve come after you.’
    ‘I told you not to,’ said Owlmon between pants. ‘And I’m glad you didn’t.’

    As Mireille caressed Owlmon’s broken body, Liollmon approached whatever it was that fell from their companion. It was a purple Digimon with very short stumps for legs. He had an equally short tail, and pointy ears. His fur was standing up, making him resemble a small ball with spikes rather than a Digimon.

    ‘What is this?’ Liollmon said, his face showing clear signs of disgust.

    ‘Oh, that,’ said Owlmon. ‘I plucked it from the battlefield when it was a Dodomon, then I fed it, and flew off with it, then it evolved in the air into this Dorimon. It wasn’t a pleasant experience; having something in your grip evolve.’

    ‘But your wings,’ started Mireille. ‘And your tail; you have to come back with us, and get the proper treatment. You will be bandaged and taken care of, and you’ll get the medical attention you need.’

    ‘And this thing,’ said Liollmon. ‘Are we taking this thing with us?’

    ‘His name is Dorimon,’ said Owlmon. ‘And show some compassion towards him; you two are brothers now.’

    ‘Like that word means anything,’ said Liollmon. ‘The only difference between it and most of my siblings is that I know what it looks like.’

    ‘He, Liollmon,’ said Owlmon. ‘He, not it. And Max, would you mind pressing those buttons less frantically?’

    ‘Sorry, sorry,’ said Mireille. ‘I’ll be done soon.’

    Next to the kneeling Mireille was a white, circular object. It had a single screen that she was tapping at, typing out a message with the touch-screen keyboard. She was sending a request for a portal to be opened, one that will take them to the human world. Owlmon had been there before, but he never liked it; time passed quicker there, and one hour in the human world was a day in the digital world.

    As much as he could, he always avoided going there, but the always-fretting Mireille wasn’t going to let him get away this time. Even if he tried, he doubted he could fly far before she snatched him again, if he could get even get away with his ever-dwindling strength.

    Dorimon was a very aggressive Digimon; he was constantly tackling Liollmon, and biting at his legs. If Owlmon hadn’t been there, sure to scold him if he hurt the baby in any way, he would’ve swatted it away. Dorimon started what sounded like barking; even as Liollmon walked away, the smaller Digimon followed him and kept on yapping at him.

    Mireille was tapping at her Digivice, and resting on her shoulder, Owlmon was breathing lightly, almost asleep. Liollmon could only assume that his eyes were closed, and he hoped them to be as the barking started getting on his nerves. He slashed his paw at the youngster, careful not to cause any permanent damage, but inflicting as much pain as possible. Dorimon flinched at the slash, then a swat sent him rolling to the other wall of the cave; before the baby had even the chance to cry, Liollmon dashed to Mireille’s side, and settled on the ground.

    A grin spread itself across him face, and he tried to get into the most comfortable position he could fake, adamant that he was inconspicuous. However, Dorimon didn’t break into tears, and charged at Liollmon instead. The distance gave him some speed, and as he got closer he started spitting beads of iron.

    ‘Liollmon,’ said Owlmon. ‘What did you do?’

    ‘What does it matter what I did! He’s the one attacking me!’

    ‘Dorimon, stop it,’ said Owlmon. ‘And apologise to him, Liollmon.’

    ‘He’s not stopping!’ Liollmon said as the iron beads were hitting him in the face, becoming increasingly annoying.

    Mireille whipped around just as Dorimon got close to Liollmon, holding him in her hand despite his struggles.

    ‘Fighting? Right now? Owlmon can’t look after the pair of you; show some respect!’

    ‘He was the one attacking me,’ said Liollmon. ‘I wasn’t attacking.’

    ‘Right, like you did nothing,’ said Owlmon. ‘When’s your portal opening, anyway?’

    ‘Any time, now,’ said Mireille, picking up the Dorimon and placing him on her lab, her fingers still around him in a death grip. ‘I know the perfect partner for you.’

    A small square flashed in the depths of the cave, drifting to one side before disappearing. The portal had begun to open; a distortion grew wider, and more squares made of light drifted around it. Some parts of the cave started becoming pixilated as numbers were flashing through it all.

    Finally, almost in a burst, the distortion transformed to an egg-shaped portal, glowing white like the squares that lingered on the edges. Mireille pocketed her Digivice as Owlmon gave a scoff; he would’ve been content with having to rest in the digital world. With Dorimon clutched between her fingers, still struggling, and Owlmon on her shoulder, Mireille stepped into the portal.

    It swallowed her with a muffled sound, and Liollmon dashed after her. The portal gave a ripple as he went through, and blinked out of existence. The group had stepped into a cold room; the walls were white, many computer screens were lined on desks, some being used, and others on standby, and the lights were bright and illuminated every corner.

    A middle-aged man dressed in a very expensive-looking suit greeted them. He was taller than Mireille, his eyes were hazel, and his hair was very short. His necktie was red; the only thing he was wearing that wasn’t either black or white.

    ‘Welcome back to the real world.’ He said, taking Mireille’s hand in a shake.

    ‘The human world,’ said Owlmon. ‘Not the real world; don’t get cocky.’

    ‘Owlmon, nice to see you again,’ he said. ‘As disdainful as ever, I see; not even your injuries could change that. Mireille informed us of the situation, and you’ll be taken care of and returned to the digital world as soon as possible.’

    ‘It won’t be quick enough,’ said Owlmon. ‘By the way, Dorimon, that purple ball, will stay with her. You take care of him for now, alright, Max?’

    ‘I will,’ said Mireille. ‘And captain, I hope you don’t mind me submitting a report tomorrow; I’ve already stayed an extra hour in the digital world, and you know how my parents get when I’m late.’

    ‘I unfortunately do,’ said the captain. ‘I’ll wait for the report tomorrow. Just make sure to take care of this new Digimon, and don’t let him expose himself. You might be able to catch up to Michael, actually, and it’s always safer to travel in a group.’

    Even though it was a normal occurrence to travel between the human world and the digital world, the sudden change in surroundings, noise, and temperature was more than jarring for the young Dorimon. He grew startled, even more so when Owlmon was taken away by some nurses, and he was left alone with Mireille and Liollmon.

    One of them had slashed at him, and the other squeezed him and held him forcibly in her hands. He started shaking, but even his primitive mind registered that, even though his first memories of them were violent, so was his first encounter with Owlmon, and in the end, he proved to be as harmless as they come. Reluctantly, he surrendered himself to them, and went to sleep almost immediately.
    Last edited by Kyuuketsuki; 1st June 2013 at 08:28 PM.

  3. #3
    Because I like Tophats Tophat Dragoneye's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Passage

    I see you're using the Japanese names instead of the English ones for the Digimon (I happened to know that Shutumon's name is Zephyrmon in English versions, for example). I myself prefer the Japanese versions over the English, so I appreciate that on a personal level. I also like that you're using Digimon that so far hasn't been used in the television series, bringing in more variety to your fic.

    I do have one gripe, however, and that is when you change between the different character's perspectives. It comes without warning and it has also confused me a couple of times. Besides that, however, I liked the settings so far and I'm keen to see more before I make a fully fledged review.

    EDIT: I forgot to ask a question. Is the settings in the human world Japan like the television series or some place else on Earth?
    Last edited by Tophat Dragoneye; 26th May 2013 at 01:29 PM.
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  4. #4
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Passage

    Quote Originally Posted by Tophat Dragoneye View Post
    I see you're using the Japanese names instead of the English ones for the Digimon (I happened to know that Shutumon's name is Zephyrmon in English versions, for example). I myself prefer the Japanese versions over the English, so I appreciate that on a personal level.
    Yeah, I decided to use the Japanese names because some of the names have never been translated into English, and will likely never get translated. So for the sake of continuity, I decided to use the Japanese names.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tophat Dragoneye View Post
    I also like that you're using Digimon that so far hasn't been used in the television series, bringing in more variety to your fic.
    Thanks! Some Digimon, such as Owlmon and Liollmon, have too awesome of a design to pass!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tophat Dragoneye View Post
    I do have one gripe, however, and that is when you change between the different character's perspectives. It comes without warning and it has also confused me a couple of times. Besides that, however, I liked the settings so far and I'm keen to see more before I make a fully fledged review.
    That seems to be a very common problem with my writing; I'll work on it, and try to better the transitions. If you have any tips in the regard, I'd love to know them, because it has been cited as a weakness many times.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tophat Dragoneye View Post
    EDIT: I forgot to ask a question. Is the settings in the human world Japan like the television series or some place else on Earth?
    It is set in Tokyo, Japan, but I plan for a diverse cast of character. Mireille is French/English, for example.

  5. #5
    East Unova Resident SuperTrainStationH's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Passage

    I watched and enjoyed the first couple of seasons of Digimon way back when, but I have to admit, I had to look up a lot of this stuff up as I went along to be able to follow it. That's not your fault of course, I'm just saying that to disclose that it may have impeded my ability to "properly" enjoy it like someone more in tune with the source material might have been, so if what I say seems unduely harsh please don't worry about it!

    Though I'm not around here reviewing as often as I aught to be, I always love to help support a new story (even if it goes back six years) and I say, it was well written in general, and while I like perspective changes in a story (the early chapters of MOTHER 3 come to mind), I was caught off guard a tad by them here as Tophat mentioned, though they didn't confuse me to the point where I couldn't understand what was happening.

    The only thing in the writing that really struck me as possibly awkward was the line "...she had targeted him as a prey."

    Typically I would expect to see that written something like "targeted him as prey." or even "targeted him as a prey item."

    But I do realize that's somewhat nitpicky, plus I have no idea if that wording choice might reflect any language used in the Digimon games or the more recent anime or anything like that, so don't take it too seriously.

    I also liked Liollmon having to be corrected by Owlmon for saying "it". It would be a realistic thing for a character in that situation to end up saying even though strictly speaking it was incorrect and somewhat impolite.

    While I honestly am not in touch enough with the source material to to really closely connect with this, I can say that what was posted so far was readable and enjoyable and that I liked the characters.

    Best of luck Kyuuketsuki! Keep on writing!

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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Passage

    Quote Originally Posted by SuperTrainStationH View Post
    I watched and enjoyed the first couple of seasons of Digimon way back when, but I have to admit, I had to look up a lot of this stuff up as I went along to be able to follow it. That's not your fault of course, I'm just saying that to disclose that it may have impeded my ability to "properly" enjoy it like someone more in tune with the source material might have been, so if what I say seems unduely harsh please don't worry about it!
    I expected some people to be confused about it, and I probably could've done a better job, but as I said before, everything will be explained, eventually.

    Though I'm not around here reviewing as often as I aught to be, I always love to help support a new story (even if it goes back six years) and I say, it was well written in general, and while I like perspective changes in a story (the early chapters of MOTHER 3 come to mind), I was caught off guard a tad by them here as Tophat mentioned, though they didn't confuse me to the point where I couldn't understand what was happening.
    Well, thank you for taking the time to review this story! I should mention that this is a rewrite of the original story, which really wasn't good. And I'll work on my transitions.

    The only thing in the writing that really struck me as possibly awkward was the line "...she had targeted him as a prey."

    Typically I would expect to see that written something like "targeted him as prey." or even "targeted him as a prey item."

    But I do realize that's somewhat nitpicky, plus I have no idea if that wording choice might reflect any language used in the Digimon games or the more recent anime or anything like that, so don't take it too seriously.
    Hmmm... It might have been wrong; I'll try to pay more attention to my wording in the future.

    I also liked Liollmon having to be corrected by Owlmon for saying "it". It would be a realistic thing for a character in that situation to end up saying even though strictly speaking it was incorrect and somewhat impolite.
    Thanks, it was a scene that I enjoyed writing, so I'm glad to see that it left an impression!

    While I honestly am not in touch enough with the source material to to really closely connect with this, I can say that what was posted so far was readable and enjoyable and that I liked the characters.

    Best of luck Kyuuketsuki! Keep on writing!
    Again, thank you for reading and reviewing! It is greatly appreciated!

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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default §2: Partnership

    The ninth ring of the clock could be heard from the front doors, its echo bouncing off of the walls of the corridor to Michael's ears. It had not been an eventful day for him, as he was mostly sent to do small work around the headquarters. He didn't mind such meaningless activity, as he knew the captain had no current use for him, but it had been a week of this.

    A week of arranging already arranged papers; that was the bulk of what he did. The only solace he found was training Credu, his Koemon. It had been a little under a year since he became a tamer, and Credu had not yet reached the Adult level; even though Mireille assured him that it was normal, he still felt inferior to the other tamers.

    Michael was 15-years-old, but significantly shorter than other kids his age. He had black hair, and dark brown eyes. A slim scar lay on his left cheek, from when he scratched himself when he was a baby. His complexion was dark, and he had a blue cape beating in the wind hanging from his neck.

    Next to him was Credu, his Koemon partner. In contrast to Michael, she was larger than other members of her species, and reached up to his shoulders. She would have resembled a regular monkey if it weren't for the green hair that surrounded her body. A simple garb covered her, and she had two large, brown gloves that were very enduring, as she often had to handle a slingshot and avoid the whiplash.

    Like Credu, the slingshot was also unusually large. She had no pouch to carry rocks or pellets in, and relied on whatever she could find on the ground to throw at enemies. A single, small fang protruded from her mouth, two red lines, similar to war paint, were spread across each cheek, and a simple rope tied her hair up into a knot.

    Like Michael, she had grown bored of the lack of action and battles she saw, but unlike her partner, she blamed Liollmon for it. Her self-proclaimed rival had managed to achieve the Adult level long before she was partnered with Michael, and Friedrich, the captain, obviously saw him as stronger and more able to go on those adventures in the digital world.

    Moreover, Liollmon was partnered with Mireille, and the captain knew her parents well; of course they're going to get the special treatment!

    'They're stupid!' Credu shouted, oblivious that her thoughts had transitioned from internal to vocal. 'I should shoot the papers at them instead of throwing them into the bin!'

    'Who's stupid?'

    'Liollmon, Max, and the stupid captain!' Said Credu. 'We should just go to the digital world and never come back! Then we can have adventures every day!'

    'Look, Credu, I'm bored too,' said Michael. 'But remember that time last week when Max was sick and we got to go to the digital world? It was worth it so much more because we waited.'

    'I don't want to wait anymore!'

    'Well, it's not up to us,' said Michael. 'If it was, we'd be in the digital world all the time! We would go on escapades and adventures! We'd make a name for ourselves, and all the digital world will know it!'

    'Credu and Mike!'

    Just at that moment, the doors behind the pair were flung open, and Credu barely had the time to dodge it, stumbling to the pavement. Mireille stood facing Michael, Liollmon by her side.

    'Oh, good, I thought I missed you,' she said. 'I need to talk to you.'

    'Sure,' said Michael. 'Let's walk.'

    The door slowly recoiled to a shut as Mireille and Liollmon started walking by Michael, and Credu got up off of the ground, shooting a mingy look Liollmon's way before catching up to the group. Even though the night was dark, and her height didn't allow her to see much, she recognised that Mireille was holding something in her hands, and it was seemingly taking steady breaths.

    'What's that?' Credu asked. 'Is it a Digimon you brought with you?'

    'It is,' said Mireille. 'And that's just what I was going to talk to you about. See, this is Dorimon.'

    Mireille lowered her hands for the pair to see the new Digimon, and they both gasped in awe and marveled at him.

    'We've never seen that before,' said Michael. 'But then again, we didn't see a lot of Digimon.'

    'Because we don't go to the digital world much,' said Credu, redirecting her gaze to Liollmon. 'The captain always picks someone else.'

    'Anyway, I thought of the perfect partner for Dorimon,' said Mireille. 'And I want you to train him, since you're an experienced tamer.'

    'Wow! That's great!' Said Michael. 'What's his name?'

    'His name is Alex,' said Mireille. 'He goes to school with me, when it's not the summer break, of course. I'll invite him over tomorrow and ask him to be this Dorimon's partner, if my mama agrees.'

    'Does he know anything about Digimon?'

    'No, nothing,' said Mireille. 'And I'm nervous about telling him.'

    'Not happening!' Credu shouted. 'This is just another ploy to prevent us from going to the digital world! Did Liollmon think this up? I bet he did! I doubt that's even a real Digimon!'

    'Ugh, this again,' said Liollmon. 'Why am I always the villain?'

    'Not now, you two,' said Mireille. 'What if someone sees a lion and a monkey arguing? They're not going to take it lightly.'

    'That's because they're stupid,' said Credu. 'So, no, we're not training this Alex persona, if he even exists.'

    'Credu, this isn't a ploy,' said Mireille. 'Besides, Alex will have to go to the digital world at some point, and you two will accompany him!'

    'Yes! The digital world!' Said Michael. 'That's what we've been waiting for! Right, Credu?'

    Credu crossed her arms together, and mumbled something akin to an agreement. She shot one more glance back at Liollmon before striding behind Michael's leg, and out of sight of her “rival”.

    'Well, that's settled then,' said Mireille. 'I'll give you a call when Alex have agreed.'

    'I can't wait!' Said Michael. 'Well, this is my house, anyway; the perks of living close to the headquarters. See you tomorrow, Max!'

    'Bye, Mike,' said Mireille. 'Say hi to your dad for me.'

    Credu rushed into the house as Michael and Mireille said their goodbyes. It had been just a year, but Karan Sunter, Michael's father, had welcomed and adopted Credu into the family, calling her the daughter he never had. For Credu, who had grown up alone in the digital world for a long time before she met Michael, it was a change she more than welcomed.

    §


    The living room was mostly empty in the Fletcher house. The only life it had was sitting on the single chair in a corner. Courtney, Mireille's mother, had her hands clasped together, and her elbows rested on her knees. She was dressed in her nightdress, and sported a furious expression.

    Her only daughter was still out of the house, and if it hadn't been for Liollmon, Courtney would have been worried sick. She knew that her daughter was safe with her partner, but the least Mireille could do was call. Courtney was shorter than her daughter, had bright yellow hair, and dark green eyes. The only piece of jewelry she was wearing was her small gold ring, glinting whenever the light of the lamb that illuminated the room hit it.

    The door slowly opened, and Mireille began to creep in. She was walking on her toes, and took off her shoes without making any sound. Finally shutting the door behind her, she noted her mother sitting in the corner and glaring at her; that would normally be the time for her to give up on her noiselessness, but she signaled at her mother to hush, and pointed at an unusual lump between her hands.

    'Mireille, I don't care what you brought home,' said Courtney, standing up from the chair and taking hurried steps towards her daughter. 'You should've called.'

    'I know, mama, I'm sorry,' said Mireille. 'But look at this; it's a little sleeping Digimon.'

    'As if this house needed more,' said Courtney. 'Is your phone broken? Why didn't you call and tell me you were on the way?'

    'It's just 9:18,' said Mireille. 'Mama, you're overreacting.'

    'You've still stayed out past your curfew,' said Courtney. 'What's your excuse this time?'

    'This guy, mama, stop freaking out,' said Mireille. 'It's not like I went to a dance club or something. I was in the digital world, waiting for Owlmon.'

    'And when did you come back from the digital world?'

    'About nine.'

    'And it wouldn't have hurt you to call. I'm a mother, Mireille; it's my nature to assume the worst. Just confirming that you're on the way would've been fine.'

    'I know you, mama. If I say that I'm on my way, then you'll start lecturing me about that. Look on the bright side; we got a new Digimon.'

    Courtney gave a sigh of frustration. There was nothing more she could add, and Mireille was right; she would have worried whether she called or not. She locked the door with a quick move, turned off the light, and started walking up the stairway.

    'This new Digimon,' said Courtney. 'I assume Owlmon brought it. How long are we housing it for? Because I'm not taking in more souls.'

    'Just a few days,' said Mireille. 'I've already decided to partner him with Alex, so he's his responsibility then.'

    'And what's his name?'

    'It's Dorimon.'

    There were four rooms in the upstairs floor. One of them was the master bedroom, where Alden, Mireille's father, was sleeping after a long day at work. Another of them was Mireille's room, and opposite it was an empty room that Courtney used as storage.

    The last room was the Digimon room. It was the largest one in the house, and three Digimon lived in it. As Courtney opened the door, Liollmon rushed to his corner, settling neatly into one of the many boxes that were scattered over his area.

    From the ceiling hanged a giant cocoon. It was grey and perfectly situated in the middle of the room. A thin hand wrapped its fingers around the opening, and a second one copied it as they both pushed the walls away. It was a tall Digimon, and her body was very thin and completely robotic. Her head sported two antennas and pink eyes, and was connected to a long metal body from which sprouted two arms.

    Her shoulders were lined with boosters and stabilisers, all striped with the same black and yellow that covered her whole body. At the end of her thin abdomen was a large metasoma that paraded many spikes, and had a threatening, mechanical stinger at the end. She turned her gaze towards Mireille.

    'You were late.'

    'Mama reprimanded me about that,' said Mireille. 'There's no need to remind me, Waspmon.'

    With a last tilt of her head, Waspmon retreated into her still home, allowing no movement as she did so, even though the cocoon hanged from the ceiling by a thread, and did not touch the floor. The left side of the room was mostly empty; only a sleeping Digimon decorated it.

    He was Alden's Digimon, and resembled a metal ball that grew arms and legs. Each feet was clothed in red, thin leather and had three vicious nails, as a whole, the legs were like stumps compared to the arms, which ended in red boxing gloves from which protruded three, small metallic bombs.

    Courtney couldn't help but feel bad for Mamemon. Waspmon was her partner, and after retiring, Courtney spent all of her time with her, but Mamemon's partner was always working. Alden barely came home in time for supper, and for the rest of the day, with Liollmon going with Mireille to the digital world, and Waspmon and Courtney doing their daily chores, Mamemon had nothing to do.

    Both Alden and Courtney had suggested that he would be more comfortable in the digital world, but the Digimon had refused to go there without Alden, and decided to stay in the house to be called upon at any time. Being unable to fly, and resembling no animal humans ever discovered, Mamemon could do nothing but wait in the house for a brief moment with Alden at the end of each day.

    Courtney took away one of Liollmon's free boxes, with a weak protest from the Digimon, and placed it in the free corner away from him. With one last pet, Mireille put the sleeping Dorimon in the cardboard, and followed her mother out of the room.

    'Watch out for Dorimon for now,' said Courtney. 'Good night, Waspmon; good night, Liollmon.'

    Courtney closed the door as lightly as she could. She sent one last thought Mamemon's way before dragging Mireille back downstairs.

    'You need to eat something,' said Courtney. 'You've been at work all day.'

    §


    For once, it wasn't raining. Even though there was no cloud he could see in the sky, Alexander still worried that the pouring would start, and he had an immense dislike for it. He was only two days younger than Mireille. He had bright yellow hair, and black eyes that contrasted with the rest of his body; he wasn't as pale as Mireille, but he was easily sunburned, and had marks of it under his eyes.

    Alexander was making his way to Mireille's house, where he had been many times before, but something about the way Mireille invited him over the phone was suspicious, to sat the least. She sounded jittery, and was very careful when it came to her words, and he was sure he heard two different laughs when she started hanging up the phone.

    Whatever it was, it was an excuse to get out of the house. With the summer holiday, his two sisters were always at the house, and they caused enough ruckus to wake him up when he planned on sleeping for as long as possible. The outside world was a welcome change.

    Alexander reached Mireille's house and was just about to knock when the door opened to reveal Alden. He was wearing a simple suit with his glasses. His hair was brown, and he wore a tired look on his face.

    'Good morning, Mr. Fletcher.'

    'Ah, Alexander,' said Alden. 'Max is waiting for you inside. Good luck, you'll need it; I know I was shocked when I found it.'

    Alden gave a smile that would have resembled a scoff if it had lingered any longer, but he settled for giving Alexander a pat on the arm and walking away. All the young boy could do was stare at Alden's back in confusion before the waft of air reminded him that the door was open, and a voice called out to him.

    'Oh, good, you're here,' said Courtney. 'Come on inside and close the door. How are you today, Alex?'

    'I'm good, thank you for asking,' said Alex, shutting the door behind him. 'A bit confused though.'

    'Please, sit.'

    Courtney ushered to a chair in the corner, and Alexander noted that Mireille was sitting on the chair opposite it, wearing her usual worried face. Her fingers were entwined before her, and her elbows rested on her knees.

    'Max, are you okay?'

    'Yes, Alex,' said Mireille. 'I'm okay. Take a seat.'

    'You sounded weird on the phone,' said Alex, grinning as he did. 'Weirder than usual, I mean.'

    'Okay, kids, let's get started,' said Courtney, coming into the trio of chairs with a plate of sweets and three glasses of juice. 'Alex, I'm sure the entirety of our family just freaked you out, but we have something important to tell you.'

    'You're not arranging my marriage with Max, are you?' Alex said as he sat on the chair. 'It's flattering and all, but we're just friends.'

    'No, that can wait for later,' said Courtney. 'I want to tell you about Digimon. Digital Monsters, but we call them Digimon for short.'

    'And what are those?'

    'They're just creatures, much like us,' said Courtney. 'Please pay attention to my words, and don't just think I'm crazy. They live in a world called the digital world, and only few humans know of their existence. Similarly, only a few Digimon know of our existence. They're wonderful creatures that look nothing like anything you've seen before, and I want you to see some of them.'

    'Alright,' said Alex, strangely drawn by Courtney's words. 'I'll meet some of them.'

    As if waiting for his words, the strangest of sights descended down the stairs. The first of them was what resembled a small, golden lion cub, which took two steps at a time; even though he knew that something was wrong, Alexander was not as shocked by the lion as he should've been.

    The next one, however, had taken an unwarranted leap into the world of strangeness. It was a ball with arms and legs, smirking as it descended to the floor. A giant stinger followed it, and quickly revealed itself to be part of something Alexander wouldn't wish on his worst enemy, and it was carrying a purple thing that kept jumping up and down in its hands.

    'This Liollmon, and he's my partner,' said Mireille, pointing out the lion that had settled by her legs. 'That is Waspmon, my mama's partner. And that is Mamemon, my dad's partner. No one can explain it, but being with humans and Digimon make both parties stronger, and this partnership is something that those who know of the others often seek.'

    'I thought you were joking,' said Alexander, staring at Waspmon and almost glued to the back of his chair. 'So, these are Digimon?'

    'Yes, we're Digimon,' said Waspmon. 'And there's no need to be afraid of us; we might not look like humans, but we're just as intelligent of creatures.'

    'Alex, it's the same as trusting people,' said Mireille. 'You would immediately trust another human until proven otherwise.'

    'And believe me, Digimon have the same reaction to us,' said Courtney. 'Now, what do you think?'

    Alexander stared in disbelief at the four strange faces that were looking at him; saying that they were just strange was an understatement. One of them was being petted by Mireille as the pair stared at Alexander; for a second he felt like he was being interrogated. The giant thing that he was even more afraid of after it spoke was standing behind Courtney, and its red eyes were studying Alexander as the small, purple thing settled and was looking at the human.

    The ball carried a smile that was smeared across its face, and its eyes were too wide for comfort. Maybe if Alexander passed out, Mireille would say that her father found him outside their house, and the heat had gotten the better of him.

    But the faces before him changed. The one Mireille referred to as Liollmon must have gotten bored, and he resorted to grooming himself, Mamemon sat on the ground, waiting for a response from Alexander, and Waspmon redirected her attention to the purple thing as Courtney gave her various instructions.

    'I guess they're not that bad,' said Alexander. 'They're cool, actually. Not what I expected aliens to look like, but these are much better.'

    'Great! Now that that's settled, take Dorimon as a partner,' said Liollmon. 'And become a tamer! That's the jest of it.'

    'Don't be rude, Liollmon,' said Courtney. 'But yes, Mireille thought you would be a perfect partner for Dorimon, which is that purple baby, and we wanted to ask you if you would be willing to do so.'

    'Of course I would be!' Said Alex. 'This is very exciting!'

    'I thought you would be more shocked,' said Mireille. 'Just a few seconds ago you were wary of Digimon.'

    'Hey, you said it yourself,' said Alex. 'If I trust humans, then I should trust Digimon; besides, you're so sure of their safety and I trust you.'

    'Then it's settled,' said Courtney. 'You two eat the food. Waspmon, leave Dorimon to get acquainted with Alex and come with me.'

    'What about me?' Mamemon asked.

    'You do whatever you want,' said Courtney, again feeling the pity for Mamemon's situation. 'Maybe you can teach Alex a thing or two.'

    'Okay, then,' started Mamemon. 'Any nickname yet for the Dorimon?'

    'Nickname?' Said Alex, looking down on the Dorimon that Waspmon had dropped in his hands. 'Do people usually give nicknames to Digimon? I just realised I'm talking to something that isn't human, and it's talking back.'

    'You'll get used to it,' said Mamemon. 'And it's a matter of preference; Max and her parents chose not to give us nicknames, but others give their Digimon names. Unlike humans, when we grow up we change shapes, and having a stable name can help you.'

    'But they also change a lot personality wise,' said Mireille. 'When Digimon grow up and evolve, they take more data in, and sometimes from other Digimon. Thinking of them as separate is normal.'

    'Humans also change when they grow up,' said Mamemon. 'So your point is stupid, Max. You didn't see all my evolutionary stages, so you don't know how I've changed more going by looks then I did by personality.'

    'I'll give him a nickname,' said Alex. 'The full experience, right, Max?'

    'Sure,' said Mireille. 'What's your nickname?'

    'How about Dee?' Said Alex. 'I like the ring of that.'

    'Stupid name, but your choice,' said Mireille. 'Anyway, you're now ready to be a tamer.'

    'Yeah, I am,' said Alex. 'Aside from the fact that I don't know anything about what evolutionary stage are, the digital world, or the data that trigger this “growing up” evolution.'

    'Oh, great, you really are just a starter,' said Mireille. 'It's okay, everything will be explained to you.'

    'Okay, how about we start with that stupid word,' said Alex. 'You still say “mama”?'

    'Yeah, shut up; let's just eat.'

  8. #8
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Passage

    Okay...one review, coming up:

    First, the good:

    I love the character's camaraderie, although I'm most intrigued by the Dorimon--what's going to happen to this little guy?
    I'm not 100% sure which universe this is in, but it sounds like it's in the Savers universe (don't know if your Digidestined is an existing one or a fanmade one)
    I'm assuming the Owlmon is the guide character, and Liollmon is Mirelle's partner, it is a bit hard to tell who is who and who is with who.

    Now, what you need to work on:

    --make it clearer who's on what side
    --Make the battle scenes easier to follow--it was hard for me to figure out what was going on.
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

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    Because I like Tophats Tophat Dragoneye's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Passage

    This review here is also going to apply to your first chapter, just so you know (I did mention that I wanted to wait a little before making a full review and I have to admit, that might not have been a good decision on my part, so I do apologize on that).

    First off, your description in both chapters are excellent in my opinion, giving me a clear image of the characters and their surroundings. You have also given the said characters various and unique personalities, such as Michael and Credu, who longs to journey into the digital world. These two actually surprised me because up until now, I've always seen tamers having a very active role in the anime, though these seems to be exceptions, leaving some opportunities for character developments. Let's see what kind of tricks you can pull out for plot development from this :)

    I have to admit, however, that I expected Alex to behave somewhat more surprised when he saw the Digimon for the first time. Maybe that's just me after having watched the various series of Digimon, but that's how I see things.

    My earlier gripe regarding the sudden changes of character perspectives still applies in the second chapter, but it's not nearly as prominent as in the first chapter. One advice I could give you is to stick to one character and wait to change the perspective until the "§" you've placed between parts of the chapters. It's your own choice whether or not you want to do that.
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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Passage

    Two reviews! This is exciting!

    Quote Originally Posted by LightningTopaz View Post
    Okay...one review, coming up:

    First, the good:

    I love the character's camaraderie, although I'm most intrigued by the Dorimon--what's going to happen to this little guy?
    Thanks! It's always great to hear that I'm doing something right with the characters.

    I'm not 100% sure which universe this is in, but it sounds like it's in the Savers universe (don't know if your Digidestined is an existing one or a fanmade one)
    As I said on another thread, it is an original universe, but borrowing plenty from Savers. Like that anime, there is an organisation that deals with Digimon, but none of the canon characters of that universe will appear, or any universe, for that matter.

    I'm assuming the Owlmon is the guide character, and Liollmon is Mirelle's partner, it is a bit hard to tell who is who and who is with who.
    Right about Liollmon, but a bit wrong about Owlmon; all the characters will in some way be a guide for Alexander. Owlmon is a supporting character; I don't like creating a character for the sake of it falling into an archetype.

    Now, what you need to work on:

    --make it clearer who's on what side
    --Make the battle scenes easier to follow--it was hard for me to figure out what was going on.
    Thanks! I'll keep those remarks in mind when I'm writing the third chapter (which is halfway finished), and they'll hopefully have been addressed to make everything clearer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tophat Dragoneye View Post
    This review here is also going to apply to your first chapter, just so you know (I did mention that I wanted to wait a little before making a full review and I have to admit, that might not have been a good decision on my part, so I do apologize on that).
    No need to apologise; as long as I eventually get the feedback, I'll be ecstatic!

    First off, your description in both chapters are excellent in my opinion, giving me a clear image of the characters and their surroundings.
    Thank you! I thought it would be lacking, but I'm glad to see that it worked out!

    You have also given the said characters various and unique personalities, such as Michael and Credu, who longs to journey into the digital world. These two actually surprised me because up until now, I've always seen tamers having a very active role in the anime, though these seems to be exceptions, leaving some opportunities for character developments. Let's see what kind of tricks you can pull out for plot development from this :)
    I aim to have a nice mix of the two, whether it's more active tamers, or more active Digimon. Mireille is the leader of her partnership, and Credu is the leader of hers. And hopefully, what comes for those two is to your liking!

    I have to admit, however, that I expected Alex to behave somewhat more surprised when he saw the Digimon for the first time. Maybe that's just me after having watched the various series of Digimon, but that's how I see things.
    That was my fault. I tried to convey his surprise through his silence as opposed to having him freak out, but looking back on it, I could've done a better job at describing his body language.

    My earlier gripe regarding the sudden changes of character perspectives still applies in the second chapter, but it's not nearly as prominent as in the first chapter. One advice I could give you is to stick to one character and wait to change the perspective until the "§" you've placed between parts of the chapters. It's your own choice whether or not you want to do that.
    Thank you! I tried to fix the problem and make the transitions easier, so I'm happy to see that it was somewhat effective. I'll keep your comments in mind for the third chapter!

    Thank you both for the reviews, and for taking the time to read this story; it really is greatly appreciated!

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    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: The Passage

    Hello there, just posting my judging from the Awards :) Sorry for the delay, I have been quite busy and distracted at the moment!

    For only a single chapter, it was a rather good read. It was very well written in terms of describing the setting and characterizing the Pokemon at hand, and I was rather interested to see how Owlmon's quest would go. One thing that bothered me was the fact it was a beginning chapter and nothing really leapt out to me as really setting a big storyline into motion. It seemed more like a filler piece that could have been slotted into the middle of a story, and while I am sure things will have repercussions later on, it didn't jump out to me as 'you must read the next chapter to see what happens next!!!!" For future stories I would suggest trying to hook people more in your earlier chapters even if nothing really exciting is meant to be happening, possibly by using a prologue to hint at a future storyline (kind of like the start of 'Eight Easy Steps').
    It was still a pleasant read, and I would expect it to score higher in future Awards should you submit with more chapters and therefore more plot and development to get the higher necessary scores

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

  12. #12
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    Default §3: The Young World

    Amidst the green waves of the digital world swayed a single, rackety ship. It was a dull brown, and remnants of the vibrant red and black and traces of the thin, yellow lines that washed away with time remain. The ship had sailed the entire digital world more than once, and its captain lived for longer than he could remember.

    He was standing on the hull, next to the wheel, dressed in a pirate’s hat, a long flowing coat, and corresponding clothes that were slightly tight fitting. His suit was black, red, and yellow, and a gun holster hanged from his trousers. The captain of the ship could easily be confused for a human; his body was mostly the same, and only his right leg would have aroused suspicion.

    Part of it had been replaced by gun, and his right foot acted as part of it. He carried a hook in his left hand, and his other gloved hand sported a revolver that was as long as his arm. Grey hair jutted from beneath his hat, and his jaw-lining beard matched the colour. His eyes were ocean blue, and several scars surrounded them.

    His entire face was covered with marks of the battles he fought, battles that would drive any man insane and haunt him for the rest of his days. But he was a Digimon, and a captain of a ship; the battles were part of the life, as were the prizes after them.

    Captain Hookmon, or as his crew called him, Captain, was looking out into the dark. It was a night of no moons, and the only brightness that filled the digital world came from the stars that dotted the sky. It was quiet as Captain studied the waters for any sign of Hemi. He had sent the Hangyomon to retrieve a treasure from the bottom of the ocean, as the species was excellent at diving, and Hemi had been with him for many decades; he trusted him to come back.

    It had been years of searching for treasures, with the latest map he had acquired leading Captain to the middle of the ocean, where the water extended in all directions and there was no land to be seen even during the day. But Captain didn’t mind, and his crew didn’t give any protest when he redirected their route to the middle of nowhere; they had sailed all the seas of the digital world, stormy or calm, and they passed that very spot. But there was always something new in the ocean, and no trip was ever the same.

    To Captain’s right was Toreador, his most trusted companion. Toreador had joined Captain three hundred and forty-three years and some months after he started his journey, and was the first to join the crew. Dressed in lavish, bright clothing, Toreador had grey skin that contrasted his outfit; two shiny, pink sleeves extended from its shoulders and covered its entire arms, with the only thing visible from them being the many knives that protruded from their end.

    Toreador had two pairs of wings that stuck out of its back, one golden and went below its arms, and the other was red, and they topped its shoulders. It had striking yellow hair, and its entire face was made of knives, as were its teeth. Its feet were strapped to blades that covered their entirety, and it wore red trousers and a black vest.

    Captain threw a glance towards his friend and smiled; the Matadrmon helped him through many ordeals, and even saved his life on some occasions. Toreador was much older than Captain, and the fact that it agreed to join the crew, and finally give it some basis, was something for which Captain would eternally be grateful. Before then, Captain was being laughed it whenever he arrived in a town and asked for crewmembers.

    Just when Captain was about to get lost in his thoughts, a few bubbles rose to the surface of the water, and the ripples around them intensified. Soon enough, a head broke through the surface as the Digimon jumped out of the sea and into the ship. His body covered in water that ruined the sight of the just-cleaned hull, but all Captain could care for was the chest between his hands.

    It was a simple rusted chest being carried between long blue fingers. Hemi, the Hangyomon, looked like a fish had grown arms and legs. Out of the back of his head emerged six thin fins, and they were every bit as blue as the majority of his body; perfect for Hemi to hide himself in the water. There was a white patch that extended from his abdomen to the back of his head, and it was bordered with red lines.

    Hemi had green eyes, and tubes that extended from his mouth to the harpoon strapped to his back. Any other Hangyomon would have carried a projectile bomb, but Hemi chose to fit the harpoon that would’ve been in his hand to the back, and get rid of the bomb. His arms flaunted a large fin each, and his tail was that of a fish. He had webbed toes on one foot, and a diver’s shoe on the other.

    ‘Found the treasure!’ Said Hemi in a raspy voice. ‘Just where the map said it would be!’

    ‘That’s fantastic!’ Said Captain. ‘A rusty chest can either mean something very valuable from the past, a treasure everyone seeks, or junk!’

    ‘You’ve always been a fan of chance and gambling.’ Said Toreador.

    ‘Is there anything else to live for?’ Said Captain. ‘Hemi, give me that harpoon!’

    Not waiting for the Hangyomon, Captain grabbed the weapon and smashed the lock with it. The rest of the crew gathered around, faces and shapes that were so different from each other, but all any of them cared about was the thing inside the box. Captain lodged the harpoon to the hull of the ship, and gave a grin as he opened the chest.

    The inside of the box was carved with DigiLetters, but otherwise, it was empty. Captain let the top drop from his hands as he examined the note, clearly marked to him, and as he read on, his face became a mixture of anger and worry.

    ‘Check the reserves!’ Said Captain. ‘Now!’

    A Hyogamon ran to the warehouse of the ship as Toreador leaned in to read the writing. It quickly became disgusted, and the knives on its body quivered in anger.

    ‘It’s Peter,’ said Toreador. ‘I told you that kid would be a problem.’

    ‘We can’t kill him,’ said Captain. ‘He’s just a kid.’

    ‘It’s the only solution,’ said Toreador. ‘If you let him walk again, I’ll make sure to kill him myself.’

    ‘Don’t do that,’ said Captain. ‘We can find a better solution; he’s not an idiot, and he’ll be willing to bargain.’

    Hunchback, the Hyogamon that had rushed to the warehouse, returned with a shake of his head. He was a giant grey ogre, with ice shards jutting out of his shoulders. His body was muscular, and light hair extended over his hunched back.

    ‘Uh, Captain,’ said Hemi. ‘What does the chest say?’

    ‘I’ll translate,’ said Toreador. ‘It says: “I have what you have collected, and it is mine forever. We will never meet again, Captain, so this is goodbye, and this is my parting gift.”’

    ‘As Toreador said,’ muttered Captain. ‘It’s clearly from Peter.’

    §


    Alexander had passed the building many times, never giving it a second glance. It was tall, but not taller than the structures around it, and its walls were a greying white. Very few windows covered it, and they were all closed. Alexander didn’t give it much thought before Mireille had told him that this is the RDWA.

    The Real & Digital Worlds Affiliation, where Mireille worked, suddenly stood out to Alexander. The pair had come to the building after their conversation had ended, which was for the best; Alexander did not want to go home and have to explain the purple thing he was holding to his family. Dorimon, or Dee as he had called it, was a Digimon, but his understanding of what Digimon are was still shaky, and Mireille promised everything would be explained to him inside.

    The door opened as Mireille swiped her card. Liollmon, the gold, electrical lion-like Digimon, was the first to rush in, quick to get out of the sun’s light. He started licking his fur back into place as he waited for the others to get into the building.

    ‘After you,’ said Mireille, holding the door open to Alexander, and stepping in after him. ‘You’re awfully quiet.’

    ‘I guess I am,’ said Alexander, looking down on Dee. ‘But I have a good reason to be quiet. Lead the way.’

    Mireille gave a faint smile as she started down the short corridor they had entered, leading into a right turn and another corridor. All the walls were white, and the lighting was bare. A left turn, and they came to a new set of doors; metal ones that had a number pad next to them.

    Mireille pressed some quick numbers that Alexander failed to catch, and there was a click as the doors slowly opened to them. The room that greeted them was much better than the corridors; it was painted beige, and the open space was a welcome change. Chairs were lined against three of the walls, and a small table stacked with magazines divided each three of them. A single round table rested in the middle of the room, and a water cooler was pushed against the wall to their right.

    A desk was positioned at the top right corner, covering part of both walls with its circular shape, almost like someone was measuring an angle, and a woman was behind it, obviously spinning her chair around.

    ‘That’s our receptionist,’ said Mireille. ‘She’s usually professional, but no one is coming in today, so she’s like… that.’

    Mireille walked over to the desk, followed by the bored Liollmon; Alexander always forgot that he was carrying Dee, and only the sight of the lion reminded him of the Digimon. He was strangely quiet and still, but obviously alive; maybe it was just a trick. Why would a baby stay quiet for such a long time? Maybe Digimon breathe even when they die…

    Alexander was just thinking of poking the Digimon when Mireille called out to him. She had been talking to the receptionist, the black-haired woman was studying him, and as Mireille had said, she looked completely professional. Her expression was stoic, and her back was straight against the back of her chair. Her clothes were neat, and not one hair was out of order with her ponytail.

    Alexander made his way to the desk. She was sitting down, and at that moment, she was shorter than him, but she was still intimidating; maybe it was her black eyes that didn’t blink at all since he saw them. Alexander wanted to see how long she could keep her eyes open, but stopping in the middle of the room would have been rude.

    ‘Alexander, this is Sara,’ said Mireille when her friend had reached the desk. ‘Sara, this is Alexander.’

    ‘Hello, Alexander,’ said Sara. ‘It’s nice to meet you. Welcome to the Real and Digital Worlds Affiliation. If you have any queries, just let me know.’

    ‘It’s nice to meet you too,’ said Alexander. ‘But to start with, what’s with the unnecessary turns and twists in the corridors.’

    ‘It’s to stop people spying on us,’ said Sara. ‘The front doors are made of glass.’

    ‘But you have another door at the end,’ said Alexander. ‘A metal one.’

    ‘Yes, a metal door with a keypad next to it behind a glass door with a card reader next to it doesn’t look suspicious,’ said Sara. ‘It’s old fashioned, and there are many ways to keep the building protected, but this place was designed by someone who was a bit paranoid.’

    ‘Anyway, Sara is our receptionist, and she’ll answer all your questions,’ said Mireille. ‘Just please make your questions important. I’ve worked here for two years and never asked about the corridors.’

    ‘Well, I’m inquisitive.’ Said Alexander.

    ‘That’s better, actually,’ said Sara. ‘I know all this useless trivia; it’s nice to finally be able to get them off my chest.’

    ‘Anyway, I’m going to take Alexander to meet the Captain,’ said Mireille. ‘He’ll probably be a new tamer; the first one of the summer, so there’s some recognition for you.’

    Mireille gave Alexander a pat on the back before heading off to another locked door to the left. With a final greeting, Alexander followed her, and Sara was out of sight as the door closed behind them. They were in another corridor, but the walls were beige like the reception, and in front of them was another room; finally, the doors had stopped.

    But that room seemed to be the one most in need of a door. Facing large monitor screens that were unusually bright, people were scattered over the room around a cylinder that extended to the ceiling. It was of glass, but the inside of it was flashing with dots of light. Stairs descended into the room, and the trio followed them.

    Just then, lost in his awe, Alexander almost crashed into a flying object, catching his scream before he uttered it. A whirring noise came with it, and Alexander recognised it as one of those Digimon creatures. It had the appearance of an old television screen, thick and sturdy, but bunny ears came out of the top of it, and a fan rested between them, spinning too slow to possibly hold the whole thing up. The Digimon was wearing a bowtie, and had two arms that sported three, thin fingers each; a seemingly broken compass hung where the rest of its body should have been.

    ‘That’s Guide,’ said Mireille. ‘She’s a Guidemon; an unoriginal name, I know.’

    If doors were meant to keep secrets about the digital world and the agency from spilling, then this room needed as many of them as there were doors.

    ‘Why isn’t this room as protected as the reception?’ Asked Alexander.

    ‘It is as protected,’ said Mireille, sighing as she uttered her words. ‘I needed to scan my card, enter my password, and scan my eye to get in here.’

    ‘No, you didn’t,’ said Alexander. ‘You just barged in.’

    ‘You were too busy flirting with Sara to notice,’ said Mireille with a grin. ‘Are you two an item now?’

    ‘That wasn’t flirting,’ said Alexander. ‘And if you think it was, then you seriously need a relationship.’

    ‘Certainly not,’ said Mireille. ‘The day I need a relationship is the day you’ll know that I got kidnapped by aliens. Anyway, go to the elevators over there, and go to the eighth floor; I’ll check on a friend of mine in the hospital.’

    Alexander looked to his right, where Mireille had gestured; three elevators were stationed, and they were all open. They were white inside, and a mirror was hanged on the wall. Guide rushed by Alexander again, and the boy remembered to check on Dee; the Dorimon had gone to sleep in his hands.

    Alexander walked to the middle elevator, and pressed the button marked “8th”, but the doors did not close. Alexander pushed the key twice more, but still nothing happened. He was just about to press the button once more when Guide rushed to the elevator, and the doors slid shut.

    ‘Please refrain from pressing the button three times in the future,’ said Guide, the screen lighting up with a displeased expression. ‘Please state your full name.’

    ‘It’s Alex Pace.’ Said Alexander, becoming a mixture of confusion and worry; did everyone who got in the elevator have to wait for her?

    ‘Full name, please,’ said Guide, her soft female voice becoming louder, but not angrier. ‘No “it’s” or anything else.’

    ‘Well, you clearly recognise the “it’s”,’ said Alexander. ‘And why isn’t this elevator moving?’

    ‘You pressed the eighth floor, which is a floor I control,’ said Guide. ‘The elevator didn’t move because I didn’t want it to. And now I’ve locked the doors. State your full name.’

    ‘Alex Pace.’ Said Alexander reluctantly.

    It was then that Guide puffed her ears, clenched her fingers, and spun her fan faster than ever. The screen became distorted, and white noise filled the elevator for a moment before she shouted in the same calm voice.

    ‘FULL NAME.’

    ‘Geez, fine, it’s Alexander…’

    ‘Is that your full name?’

    ‘Alexander Pace,’ Alexander sighed in frustration

    ‘Alexander Pace,’ said Guide, having calmed down. ‘We were expecting you.’

    ‘Expecting me? Are you kidding me?’

    The elevator started moving with a jolt, almost as if it had sprung into movement, waking Dee as it did so. The small Digimon looked at the confined space he was in, and then his reflection. His first instinct was to back away, as his mirror image was looking right into his eyes. Dee cowered into Alexander’s hand as Guide gave a forced laugh.

    ‘You’re very rude,’ said Alexander. ‘Who programmed you?’

    ‘I wasn’t programmed,’ said Guide. ‘I’m a Digimon, and this is just my way of existing.’

    Just then the doors slid open, revealing a small, almost bare office. The floor was carpeted, and the only windows rested behind the grand desk. Two armchairs faced each other, and Alexander could spot a third one behind the standing man. He was very tall, and wore a monotonous suit; only his necktie broke the colour scheme with its red.

    ‘Hello, I’m Alexander Pace,’ said Alexander, trying his best to sound formal. ‘I was told to come here by Mireille.’

    He had just realised that his clothes consisted of a pair of jeans, and a pink shirt; next to Friedrich Baumfelder, as the nameplate on his desk indicated, Alexander was sure he looked ridiculous.

    ‘It’s nice to meet you, Alexander,’ said Friedrich. ‘My name is Friedrich Baumfelder. Courtney had nothing but nice things to say about you. Please, have a seat.’

    It’s only then that Alexander had noticed that the screen on Guide was blinking a red circle in a square, recording the meeting.

    ‘It’s for security,’ said Friedrich. ‘I have cameras around the office, but I’m sure you heard of our paranoid founder; never too safe, according to him. Leave us alone, Guide, please. So I understand you’re open to the idea of becoming a tamer?’

    ‘Yes, certainly,’ said Alexander, glancing at Dee. ‘I’m very interested in Digimon.’

    ‘They are great creatures,’ said Friedrich as Guide left with the elevator. ‘Simply put, they’re very unique computer codes. There are many theories about how Digimon came into being, but one of the most common is that we humans placed so much of ourselves in our computers. We made them ours, and we unknowingly created a new world.’

    ‘Is that why this organisation exists?’ Asked Alexander. ‘To take responsibility for what humans created?’

    ‘Precisely,’ said Friedrich with a smile. ‘You catch on quick. The digital world is just a world where these computer codes exist, and hosted on one problematic server that is influenced by all the Digimon. As long as we keep the digital world free of evil and malice, it will survive. If we fail, the host server is likely to hit the reset button, and for every Digimon to be erased.’

    ‘Even the ones in our world?’

    ‘We don’t know; it never happened before, which means we’re doing our job well enough.’

    ‘So is the host server a human?’

    ‘Don’t be silly,’ said Friedrich, swiveling slightly in his chair. ‘The host server, Yggdrasil, as it had named itself, was just a server, but it had become sentient. That is to say, the computer code that runs the digital world became sentient, and is wildly considered a Digimon. A part of it exists in every computer, and that is how it runs itself.’

    ‘Well,’ said Alexander, giving an uncontrollable smile. ‘You’ve explained it better than Mireille did.’

    ‘She told you it was a different dimension, didn’t she?’ Asked Friedrich, and Alexander nodded. ‘As I said, there is no definite answer to the subject. Some people believe something else, like a different dimension, which it is of sorts. All I’ve told you is just our goal as an organisation; that is why you came here, not to convince you of my personal philosophy.’

    ‘What is your personal philosophy, if you don’t mind me asking?’ said Alexander. ‘How do you believe the digital world came into being?’

    ‘I do mind you asking,’ said Friedrich. ‘I won’t tell you my view simply because I don’t want to influence you. Make up your own mind.’

    ‘So I should think about the digital world,’ said Alexander. ‘Extensively. And become dedicated to it on a personal level. You’re good at recruiting tamers.’

    ‘I do my best,’ said Friedrich. ‘And you’re smarter than I had imagined. Now that I’ve planted the seed of longing in your mind, cleverly so, I might add, do you want to be a tamer?’

    ‘Yes.’

    ‘Splendid,’ said Friedrich. ‘Our first recruit for the summer. Welcome to our ranks, Alexander Pace. If your performance for our organisation is half as sharp as you’ve been in this interview, you’ll be more than a gain for us.’

    §


    ‘Owlmon isn’t coming anymore,’ said Jewel. ‘He must’ve been captured and killed.’

    ‘I would know if that was the case,’ said Gullinbursti. ‘He’s just nowhere to be seen.’

    ‘I told you we should’ve revealed ourselves to him,’ said Jewel. ‘Now he’s given up on his goal.’

    ‘Owlmon wouldn’t give up that easily,’ said Gullinbursti. ‘Something else is happening.’

    ‘Whatever it is, it’s not good for us,’ said Jewel. ‘Owlmon was a great ally for us; he’s either dead, or believing that his goal was useless.’

    ‘We’ll find him,’ said Gullinbursti. ‘And we’ll reveal ourselves to him then.’

    ‘It’s too late now.’

    Gullinbursti pondered those words; what if it was too late? What if Owlmon was discouraged by his years of unknown service to them, and his performance suffered enough that he was killed? Of course he wasn’t killed; Gullinbursti would know. He would’ve ventured into the battlefield, and seen Owlmon’s data.

    Gullinbursti breathed a heavy sigh; he knew that Jewel meant well, but she was too blunt with the facts. And she should’ve believed him; Owlmon didn’t die, not on this battlefield. Gullinbursti was a humanoid Digimon with a body covered in white feathers. His chest was covered in a metal piece, and a blue garb hung around his waist. His boots spiraled with ribbons that circled his thin legs, forming a pattern of diamond as they did so. They were topped by a bird’s head, and from the sides of his feet, his boots sprouted a pair of wings each.

    His body was lean, yet muscular. Two metal belts were tied just above his knees, and his chest was covered in a simple plate armour that left his shoulders and midriff exposed, from which his body split to reveal three more belts. He wore a helmet that formed two wings and ears that extended to the back of it, and it expanded to a cape the hung off of him, split into white feathers that ended in red. It was shaped like a bird’s head, with eyes of gems and a beak of gold; yellow hair stuck out of its back. On his waist hanged a sheathed sword, and his right held many arrows that fit easily into the crossbow that hung from his back. His left arm was masked in a golden shield that shined clean, with no marks of a battle, and his right arm was covered in a similar metal armour, atop which was perched a golden, armoured bird.

    But most importantly, Gullinbursti was a Valkyrimon, and that was how he knew that Owlmon still lived. It was his duty to retrieve the data of heroes that fell in war, and resurrect them into a DigiTama; it was the duty of each member of his species. But even among them, he had the ability of knowing what each data was, and if Owlmon had indeed died, he would’ve been considered a hero, and it would’ve been Gullinbursti’s duty to resurrect him; he would be able to read the data and know.

    Of course, that was only if Owlmon had died on that battlefield, and not anywhere else. These grim thoughts haunted Gullinbursti, and sent a shiver of fear down his spine. To his right was Jewel, a Rhinomon of tremendous power. While it was Gullinbursti’s obligation to resurrect the data of fallen heroes, it was Jewel’s power to annihilate such data.

    She had the appearance of a rhinoceros covered in armour of Digizoid, the hardest metal in the digital world. It was gold, giving Jewel the maximum offensive strength, supported by her horn, tall enough to pierce Digimon and come out of their back. A smaller horn rested on her forehead, and two more sprouted where ears would’ve been.

    Her tail was lanky, but still strong, and the plates of her body either sported spikes, or red jewels that gave her strength, with the majority of them decorating her head. Despite her size and bulky appearance, she was fast on the battlefield, and took down many of her opponents with swiftness and sheer strength.

    Her attack left no data behind, and it completely erased her opponents. It was only her stamina and low level that prevented her from decimating the entire battlefield. While it was Gullinbursti’s duty to resurrect the heroes, she took it upon herself to prevent the bad seeds from sprouting again.

    Gullinbursti didn’t agree with her, as he felt that there was a chance of redemption. He restores data to the Digimon they once were, and only their memories are left behind, but other data could get mingled and distorted, and the Digimon can be reborn as something else, with a chance for redemption.

    However, it was her choice to eliminate these Digimon, and there was nothing that Gullinbursti could do to stop or help her. Even though he was a formidable warrior, with strength and speed surpassing Jewel’s, he preferred not to fight, but to watch in silence and only interfere when necessary.

    ‘Still no sign of Owlmon,’ said Jewel. ‘And now it’s sunrise; another day wasted. I’m telling you, he’s dead.’

    ‘He can’t be dead,’ said Gullinbursti. ‘Without him there, the babies are hatching in the battlefield, not even lasting a minute before they are trampled or made a quick meal for some battlers. There are other heroes, and they save as much as they can, but they remain in the battlefield protecting the babies, and opposing enemies. We need Owlmon again.’

    ‘I didn’t think this would help, but you’re pretty desperate now,’ said Jewel. ‘And you can’t leave the field to find Owlmon, so Freyr will have to do it. Again, this won’t help, but what was the last Digimon you resurrected that he rescued?’

    ‘It was a DORUgoramon,’ said Gullinbursti. ‘Freyr, you’re looking for a Dodomon, a Dorimon, or a DORUmon, in addition to Owlmon. He could be with that humanness and Liollmon; try to find them as well. Take flight.’

    On command, the golden bird took off, flying with immense speed into the sky, piercing the clouds and leaving no traces as he did so. He was soon out of sight as the last shine of his armour faded against the rising sun.

    ‘We know the humanness travels between worlds,’ said Gullinbursti. ‘We can be certain that Liollmon is with her. If Freyr fails to find his four targets in the digital world, they he will search the human world.’

    ‘Like that’s so easy,’ said Jewel. ‘How do you plan on going to the human world? No Digimon was ever able to open that door.’

    ‘We have our ways.’

  13. #13
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    Default Re: The Passage

    Looks like the plot is starting to develop bit by bit. From Hookmon's crew and the mysterious person named Peter, to Valkyrimon and Rhinomon discussing how to enter the human world and Alex now formally becoming a tamer. There isn't much to say since I didn't find anything wrong with your writing. Keep up the good work.
    Revolutionaryverse


    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for the signature

    ONE-shot: Forced into Retirement

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    Default Re: The Passage

    Quote Originally Posted by AceTrainer14 View Post
    Hello there, just posting my judging from the Awards :) Sorry for the delay, I have been quite busy and distracted at the moment!
    I was sure I had replied to you ages ago... I guess not... Sorry for the delay...

    For only a single chapter, it was a rather good read. It was very well written in terms of describing the setting and characterizing the Pokemon at hand, and I was rather interested to see how Owlmon's quest would go.
    Thank you. It's always nice to hear I'm doing something effectively.

    One thing that bothered me was the fact it was a beginning chapter and nothing really leapt out to me as really setting a big storyline into motion. It seemed more like a filler piece that could have been slotted into the middle of a story, and while I am sure things will have repercussions later on, it didn't jump out to me as 'you must read the next chapter to see what happens next!!!!" For future stories I would suggest trying to hook people more in your earlier chapters even if nothing really exciting is meant to be happening, possibly by using a prologue to hint at a future storyline (kind of like the start of 'Eight Easy Steps').
    You're right. The Shutumon won't have any effects on the main storyline, and I probably could've worked a more integral part for it. In retrospect, the entire first chapter was meant to introduce Dodomon, and it could've been shortened into a Prologue.

    It was still a pleasant read, and I would expect it to score higher in future Awards should you submit with more chapters and therefore more plot and development to get the higher necessary scores
    Thank you for reading and the feedback you've provided, I'll keep it in mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tophat Dragoneye View Post
    Looks like the plot is starting to develop bit by bit. From Hookmon's crew and the mysterious person named Peter, to Valkyrimon and Rhinomon discussing how to enter the human world and Alex now formally becoming a tamer. There isn't much to say since I didn't find anything wrong with your writing. Keep up the good work.
    Thank you! I tried to give a bit more focus to the Digimon characters this time around, and I'm glad to see that it good (I chose to read 'flawless' since I'm so narcissistic). I hope you like what is to come!

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    Default §4: Marshlands & Upturned Fields

    The air was unbearable. It was thick and damp in the marshlands, and the treetops blocked any circulation; Fumiya barely managed to find his way into the area, and he was starting to regret it. Each breath was weighing down on him, and he could feel his lungs becoming heavier with each second. Worst of all, the sound of water drops, constantly falling as the sky rained above the leafy roof made the atmosphere much more irritating.

    Fumiya would have preferred all the water to get in, and for the noise to distract him; but he had no luck. He started cursing the captain for sending him to this place.

    ‘He’s a petty criminal,’ the captain had said. ‘But they all start out that way. Take care of him.’

    Fumiya groaned as he remembered those words. He opened his mouth to speak to his partner, and the obnoxious taste of the air attacked him. Why was nothing in the digital world moderate? The trees were wide enough to fit three people in them, and the mountains had to be so steep that their peaks were thicker than their base.

    Fumiya Mori was over twenty years of age, but he had the appearance of a high school boy, and the attitude of an old man. His hair was dark, and the wetness of the air made it fall and stick to his screwed face. His eyes were as dark, but they were shielded behind a pair of goggles; he couldn’t even stand to open them fully in such a place. He grabbed a handkerchief from his uniform, and covered his mouth before attempting to speak again.

    ‘R, can you do this on your own?’ Said Fumiya. ‘I need to get out of here.’

    ‘You know very well that you can’t bail on me,’ said R. ‘You need to write a report after this mission, and I can’t.’

    R, Fumiya’s partner, was a Ryudamon. A short, yellow dragon covered in traditional armour. More correctly, he insisted that he was a dragon, but he looked more like a dinosaur, with thick hind legs and short arms. His eyes were green, and a red jewel rested at the top of his head. The black and purple armour extended to his tail, and covered all his body against aerial attacks, but left him exposed to any other form of attack.

    For that particular mission, the protection was more than enough; their enemy had fled to the treetops, and he could do nothing to harm R. The only thing he could do was attack Fumiya, but R was confident in his reflexes and his ability to protect his partner.

    ‘Just give up, and we won’t kill you,’ said R. ‘If you come to the human world with us, you’ll get help, and you won’t have to be an outlaw anymore.’

    ‘Domesticated idiot!’ A voice boomed from the treetops; it was groggy and very high-pitched. ‘I’m not an outlaw! There are no laws in here! If I want something, I steal it! Simple!’

    ‘So I guess you’re not coming to the human world,’ said R. ‘I have to kill you now.’

    ‘Idiot! You’ll never kill me!’ Said the voice. ‘You can’t even see me! You’re just a Child!’

    ‘Stop talking to him,’ said Fumiya. ‘Just get this over with. I don’t care if you level the place.’

    ‘If you say so,’ said R. ‘Sorry, Frogmon, I hope your next life is luckier than this one.’

    §


    ‘So you’re the human looking over Dorimon,’ said Owlmon. ‘Or Dee, as you call him.’

    ‘Yes, I am,’ said Alexander. ‘And I promise to take care of him.’

    After Friedrich had dismissed Alexander, he was shown the way to the hospital wing by Guidemon, where Mireille and Liollmon were catching up with Owlmon. He had received extensive care for his wing, yet was still unable to fly; the wound was too serious to heal overnight.

    Owlmon was wrapped in bandages, and if he wasn’t holding in his laughter, Alexander was sure his first impression would have gone horribly wrong. Owlmon was covered in so many bandages that only his goggles were visible; even his voice was muffled.

    ‘You see, Dee is a very curious Digimon,’ said Owlmon. ‘When any Digimon dies, their data gets transformed into another purpose; transforming to a new egg, getting absorbed by another Digimon, by the digital world, or even roam and merge with other data. Sometimes, strong Digimon leave behind two eggs. Of course, in the human world, we would just die.

    ‘I found Dee in a battlefield, which means that he died in the battle. Not necessarily, but it is the most likely outcome. Based on how aggressive he was in the digital world, and how calm he is in the human world, I can only assume that he left some data behind.

    ‘You see, sometimes when Digimon become eggs, or DigiTama as we sometimes call them, they leave a portion of their data behind, and when that happens, the Digimon becomes slightly more aggressive. It wants to be whole again, and constantly feels like something is missing. They can sense their data in the digital world, and they want to reunite with it. That has been happening more and more.’

    ‘Owlmon and I have this theory,’ said Mireille. ‘The battles and conflicts happening in the digital world is because a lot of data is still missing. If Dee’s excess data had formed into a sapling, or a flower, or anything, he wouldn’t be as aggressive.’

    ‘Something is causing this,’ said Owlmon. ‘And I tell you this because I want you to help Mireille when I can’t, such as now.’

    ‘Is that why Liollmon is pissed off most of the time?’ Said Alexander.

    ‘That’s just my personality,’ said Liollmon. ‘I’m not incomplete.’

    ‘Again, we can’t know for certain,’ said Owlmon. ‘But that is most likely true. Liollmon’s personality remains the same in the digital world and human world. But Dee is different in there. I’m being honest with you because Dee will not be an easy Digimon to handle, and I want you to be up to the task.’

    ‘I am,’ said Alexander. ‘Don’t worry.’

    ‘But do remember,’ said Mireille. ‘This is all a theory, and a pretty recent one at that; it can all be wrong.’

    ‘You guys should go now,’ said Owlmon. ‘Mireille, take Alexander to the digital world, and help him understand; I’m sure he’s heard a lot about it now.’

    ‘I agreed with Michael,’ said Mireille. ‘He’ll take him.’

    ‘And you go with them,’ said Owlmon. ‘You know how I feel about the boy and his sister.’

    ‘That’s harsh,’ said Alexander. ‘What does his sister have to do with it?’

    ‘His partner,’ said Mireille. ‘He considers Credu to be his sister.’

    As if on cure, Michael and Credu burst into the room, looked Alexander and Dee over, and started talking.

    ‘You must be him!’

    ‘He’s our ticket to the digital world!’

    ‘That’s it?’

    ‘It’s so nice to meet you!’

    Their words overlapped, and it was hard to tell which voice was which. Again, Alexander tried to maintain a stoic smile, but a short boy and a green monkey had just appeared in front of him. He saw Owlmon’s eyes roll behind his goggles, and heard Liollmon scoff. The green monkey, Credu, immediately turned her eyes to him, and sliced at her neck with her thump.

    ‘First of all, do you have your Digivice?’ Said Michael.

    ‘I’ve never heard of it before now,’ said Alexander. ‘What is it?’

    ‘It’s a device that help you in the digital world,’ said Owlmon. ‘End of story. Now shoo. Out. I need to rest.’

    With a smile, Mireille was the first to leave the room. Credu said some words of goodbye to Owlmon, only for him to roll his eyes even more. One by one, they left Owlmon’s room, and the last to leave was Liollmon, who walked out strutting.

    ‘I’ll tell you what a Digivice is later,’ said Michael. ‘But right now, I have to prepare our portal to the digital world. Let’s go, Credu!’

    And the pair had bolted. Alexander turned to Mireille for consolation.

    ‘Ok, fine, I’ll come,’ said Mireille. ‘But Michael and Credu really are great at what they do; don’t write them off as hyperactive and annoying.’

    ‘What’s a Digivice, though?’ Said Alexander with a grin. ‘I didn’t have time to form ideas about them anyway.’

    ‘Oh, yes, you have,’ said Mireille. ‘But anyway, a Digivice is what Owlmon said it is: something to help you in the digital world. It can communicate with our world, and it works as an encyclopedia. Here’s mine.’

    And she produced a circular device from her jacket. It was completely white, and about the size of her hand; her fingers barely grabbed it into place. There was a front camera above the screen, and as Mireille flipped it, Alexander noted that there was another camera at the back.

    ‘It also used to house evolutions,’ said Mireille. ‘Well, the old model did. And you could even store your actual partner in it. But it was seen as forcing the Digimon to evolve, and a tiring experience for them, and housing a Digimon was seen as abuse. Both methods have since stopped.’

    ‘That’s good,’ said Alexander. ‘But it is pretty thick for something with such little capabilities.’

    ‘It takes a lot to communicate between the digital world and ours,’ said Mireille. ‘Anyway, we should go to Michael and Credu; the preparations are complete now, probably.’

    ‘What is it like?’ Said Alexander as the pair started walking. ‘Is the digital world very different from ours? Something I won’t comprehend at first?’

    ‘It’s a lot like our world,’ said Mireille. ‘Sometimes, their trees have green trunks and brown leaves, some of their islands are floating, but on the whole, it’s nothing the human imagination can’t think up; it’s one of the reasons the theory that the digital world was created by all of us is popular.’

    ‘But that’s not completely true,’ said Liollmon, walking just paces behind Mireille. ‘The digital world is much more chaotic and versatile than this world. I’ve seen what you call heavy rain, and I’ve witnessed storms that left you locked inside your houses; these are nothing.’

    ‘An explanation would be helpful,’ said Alexander. ‘You’re just saying that it’s different.’

    ‘You’ll see by yourself.’ Said Liollmon, shooting a short, but condescending glare towards Alexander.

    §


    Where the marsh had once been, there was a crater. Fumiya stood a little off the centre, and next to him was R. The rain fell heavily on the grass around the crater, upturning the land, but there was a circular hole in the middle of the giant cloud that used to cover the area. In the exact centre of the crater was a lone egg.

    ‘I guess that’s it for this mission then,’ said Fumiya. ‘It was too much trouble.’

    But R gave no response; he was staring at the DigiTama with hollow eyes. It was a sickly shade of yellow, and some visible squares of light were still being absorbed into it.

    ‘You okay, R?’

    ‘I can’t help but feel that we might have went overboard with this one,’ said R. ‘I mean, Tekkoujin could have easily taken care of Frogmon. We needn’t have destroyed the entire marshlands.’

    ‘You’re probably right,’ said Fumiya. ‘I’m sorry for forcing it upon you.’

    ‘You didn’t force me to do anything,’ said R. ‘It was my own will.’

    ‘Do you need some time for yourself?’

    ‘That’s for the best.’

    With a few clicks on his circular Digivice, a portal had opened before Fumiya, and the human disappeared from the digital world when he stepped into it. The portal promptly closed after him.

    R stared at where his partner had been, and then back at the egg. Was he becoming detached to the digital world? Only evil would destroy an entire natural habitat. He wanted to maintain peace in the digital world; bring stability to a hectic world, but that wasn’t the way to do it.

    The proof was right next to him, the DigiTama…

    ‘Who are you?’

    Where the DigiTama once lay now stood a tall figure dressed in green. It looked awfully human, but the red eyes were unmistakably that of a Digimon. A brown cloth covered all of its face but the eyes, and blonde hair flowered with the wind. Brown boots were tightly fitted over its legs, and green trousers extended to its knife holster. It wore a green jacket over a white shirt, and a red feather jutted from its hat.

    ‘I was hoping you wouldn’t notice me,’ said the Digimon. ‘I’m a Petermon. My name is Peter.’

    He was holding the egg in his left hand, and a knife in his right hand.

    ‘You’re a Child Digimon, right?’ Said Peter, lowing himself to R’s eye level.

    ‘Yes,’ said R, stepping back from Peter. ‘Why do you have a knife with you?’

    ‘It’s just for protection,’ said Peter, pulling the cloth down to show his face, sheathing his knife as he did. ‘Do you know what happened here?’

    Had he not seen Fumiya leaving? He arrived here too quickly to have missed it all. His smile was soft, as were the rest of his features. His skin was as white as snow, and only then did R register the fact that rings and piercings covered his pointy ears.

    ‘Yeah, I just came here,’ said R, trying to draw as much information out of Peter as he could. ‘So I have no idea what happened here.’

    ‘Tsk, children should not lie,’ said Peter, getting up and covering his face. ‘You evolved and killed this misguided soul instead of helping him. You then evolved back, and your human left. You’re as bad as they come; betraying the digital world for them.’

    And slowly, but with no hesitation at all, Peter withdrew his knife.

    ‘Right then, you said something,’ said Peter. ‘What was it? “I hope your next life is luckier than this one”.’

    And without warning, Peter plunged his knife towards R, who barely had time to react. R jumped to the left, but the blade cut some of his leg, and blood started gathering around the shallow wound. Peter swiped his right arm, lashing out at R again, and instinct took over.

    With a painful bound, R leapt into the air, his injured leg not allowing a straight ascend, but he was still in the air. Peter remained on the ground.

    ‘It’s useless to try to run,’ said Peter. ‘And unnecessary. I am trying to free you, not harm you.’

    Peter threw his knife into the air, and it flew after R. He had nowhere to run now that he was in the sky; his only option was defence. R opened his mouth and shot an iron blade from it; it clashed with the knife and was knocked aside, but Peter’s blade didn’t lose any speed.

    Evolving was not an option; R was still too tired from the brief battle with Frogmon. He shouldn’t have used the most powerful attack of the most powerful of his evolutions. As the knife drew nearer, R curled himself into a tight ball, and his sturdy armor covered his entire body.

    In darkness, and falling through the air, R could only depend on his feelings. The wind and his injured foot had caused him to fly into the rain, and he felt hard drops of water colliding with his armour. The knife had reached him, and was slashing at him as though Peter was wielding it, but R couldn’t risk showing any part his skin to confirm whether it was Peter or not.

    Any second now. R braced himself; as he knew the ground was coming, moreover, the rain had changed the terrain, and was still changing it. The knife was still slashing at R as he hit the ground and rolled away; there was no way for Peter to still be wielding it, and just as that thought crossed R’s mind, the slashing stopped.

    There was no time to think about his actions; his window, if there was one, was small. He didn’t gather enough energy to evolve, and he had to rely on adrenaline to maintain his Adult form.

    R popped out of the ball he was in, but his limps didn’t stop. His hands and feet grew taller, as did the rest of his body. The armour expanded and covered him, his neck shot out, and an arrogant face overtook his youthful appearance. He had evolved into Ginryumon.

    ‘The knife is just for protection, huh,’ said R. ‘Who’s the liar now, Peter.’

    ‘Don’t call me a liar!’ Said Peter; he was still standing in the crater, and the knife was flying back towards him. ‘You do not tell the whole truth to children!’

    ‘Well, from your attacks, I assume you’re an Adult Digimon,’ said R. ‘And now, so am I. You don’t stand a chance against me; so tell me what is your agenda, and I might not kill you. You saw how I handled the Frogmon, and you know I can evolve further.’

    ‘I won’t explain myself to you,’ said Peter. ‘And your new form doesn’t scare me. I’m glad it happened, actually; now your legs are exposed, and you’re too big to cower again. Besides, I think you’re bluffing; there is no way you still have any strength left to fight.’

    The knife had circled around Peter before it flew back towards R, and he was right; R had no more strength to fight. As the knife flew towards his left leg, R fell to that side, and his armour blocked the attack. As if it had a mind of its own, the knife attacked R’s right foot, the injury that would have went away with evolution was still there. R fell on it to cover it, and a rush of pain overtook him as the grass on his right started turning red, and the gushing blood started seeping into the ground.

    R’s consciousness started fading.
    Last edited by Kyuuketsuki; 28th March 2014 at 11:16 AM.

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