19th July 2011, 05:26 AM #1
P2 - After the Fall
Hey Everyone! This is my first story, set after the events of Pokémon Black and White. Don't know how good I am at writing so please leave your comments and ideas. Also if it's nothing but rubbish, tell me also so I can refine it before I post again. This is complete fiction based on the games setting and the animes battling. I apologize for the length, got a little carried away.
Chapter 1: P2 - After the Fall
Chapter 2: P2 - After the Fall
Chapter 3: P2 - After the Fall
Chapter 4: P2 - After the Fall
Chapter 5: P2 - After the Fall
Chapter 6: P2 - After the Fall
Chapter 7: P2 - After the Fall
Chapter 8: P2 - After the Fall
Thanks to Derrier44 for Banner.
Waking to the sound of my annoying alarm clock, ringing in my left ear, I gingerly opened my eyes. The sun was struggling to get through the black-out blinds. Dazed I fought with myself to get out of bed. I slammed my hand down and hit the top of the clock. Instantly it shut up! I trudged to the bathroom and took a cold shower. After refreshing and dressing in my brand new green jacket and grey trousers, which had a stripe of the same colour as the jacket, I elaborately put my trademark blue cap on my head. My mother, Joan, had gotten them for my journey. My mother and I were very close. I was also close to my dad, but he worked abroad as an assistant to Professor Elm and I only saw once or twice a year. That didn’t bother me though, I was more like my mom.
I looked into the mirror. A fifteen year old teen stared back with a huge smile on his face. His face was angular and he was tall and well-built for his age. Protruding from underneath the cap was his dark chocolate hair. His friends mocked him for it, calling him "Patrat". But his most striking feature was his equally dark brown eyes that shone with a caramel tint.
Today was my birthday and the day I got my first Pokémon from the Professor. I slowly crept down stairs, as my mother would be asleep. I turned the corner and pushed on the door of the kitchen.
'SURPRISE' echoed from the room and startled me into letting out a high-pitched, girlish squeak. I had barely put my head through the door when they had started screaming, if it hadn't been me the surprise would've been ruined. Most of my friends and family from Nuvema were standing in the kitchen. They stood around the table in a semi-circle.
'Surprise Adam and good luck to all of you' screamed my mother on the top of her lungs. I smiled. She had always been so loud. Nuvema was a small town in the South-West of Unova with a harbour and airport. Even though these two facilities were used daily, the population didn't grow in the slightest. Not a lot of people settled in Nuvema and many of the residents were closely linked.
'Adam, Happy Birthday!’ Cora beamed running over with gifts in her arms. Cora was one of my best friends. Cora, Lorcán and I were friends since birth, with the three of us having the exact same birthday. She was simply dressed in a plain white linen dress with a light pink feminine waist coat. Cora wore her infamous pink and purple beret over her blonde blanket like hair - soft and warm - and matching neck scarf. She thrust a wrapped gift forward. 'Hope it helps you.' I took the present with a goofy grin and offered my thanks. I looked over at my Mom who was holding a brightly coloured box. I assumed it was for Cora.
'Happy Birthday' I said in the same tone that she had used. She gripped the box and gave it a little shake, listening intently for a sound she may recognize.
'Thanks a lot, Adam. Can I open it now?' she jumped a little as she sang the words. I knew she couldn't wait to rip the wrapping off. I opened my mouth but was quickly shot down by a familiar voice behind us.
'It's my birthday too ya know!' Cora and I turned on our heels to see Lorcán standing with two boxes under his arm, his bodybuilder of a dad standing next to him. They must have come in as we were talking. He was dressed in a black and orange shirt with matching sport shoes and dark dyed jeans. He had a mop of hazel hair and dark green eyes. He handed out the boxes and we gave him his.
Each gift was wrapped with intricate care and within a matter of seconds the paper surrounding them was torn to pieces.
'Whoaaa' we exclaimed in unison. We all got the same gifts, a Cross-Transceiver and a bag with a town map, a few potions, medicine and berries. The gifts were in our favourite colours. Mine was blue and green, Lorcán's was orange and black and Cora's was pink and purple. Along with those gifts came money and other items from our friends and family. I spent a lot of time talking to people and opening envelopes. The atmosphere was electric. My mother had been up since the crack of dawn, baking sweet treats and cooking her signature “Sticky Honey Chicken”. She had the tables laid and the kitchen was so clean everyone commented on it. We ate every last bit of the chicken before tackling the deserts. I sat next to my friends. We were talking about what we had planned. But unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Eventually my mother called a halt to the party and ushered everyone towards the Professor's Lab or back to their homes.
'Quickly! Quickly! Come on people, time they got their Pokémon! Quickly! This is taking forever! Help me out Hydreigon!' My mother tossed a Poké Ball up in the air. She had been a Pokémon Trainer when she was younger and should have inherited the Opelucid Gym, but decided against it.
'Hydre-Hydreigon!' a huge dark blue three-headed dragon with six black tentacle-like wings formed from the light that cane from the Poké Ball. Hydreigon was my mother's faithful partner, having it since she was a child. My mother smiled and winked at us as Hydreigon and mom herded and scared the people out of the house to either the lab or their own homes. Most people went home, with only a few staying to watch through windows.
'Are ye ready for this' Lorcán inquired with a mischievous smirk?
'I'm ready. How about ye' I answered.
Cora did a little happy jump and began to sing as she marched forward to Professor Juniper's Lab. We followed in her wake, not wanting to interrupt.
'I set fire to the rain; Watch it pour as I touched your face; Well it burned while I cried; Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name.'
Lorcán and I laughed as she confidently strutted towards the lab. Cora was a fan of fashion and singing. She was an amazing singer and performer and was excited about the Pokémon Musical in Nimbasa City. She was hoping to make a life for herself through song, dance and acting.
Our parents were waiting outside the lab when we arrived. My mother's Hydreigon floated in the background.
'The next generation of Pokémon Trainers' my mother said.
'Three Trainers and three starter Pokémon. My Cora is all grown up. Joan would you believe that this is it' Cora's mother, Carol, muttered through tears.
'I know Carol! Adam, Lorcán and Cora were born fifteen years ago, within a few hours, and look at them now?' My own mother consoled her. She rolled her eyes. We all knew how dramatic Carol was. Crocodile tears running down her cheeks.
Lorcán's dad slapped him on the back and boasted about how he was gonna be best Trainer in the world. He luckily was cut short by Professor Juniper appearing at the front door.
'Welcome! Welcome! It is time' she called us into her domain. Professor Juniper ran down her hall, her white laboratory coat billowing in the air behind her. My mother had told me that she had even got her hair done for the occasion. The traditional Audrey Hepburn style. Cora was the first one in the large door. Lorcán myself and our parents followed the singing teen and the female professor into the formidable green and white Pokémon Laboratory.
We entered into a large room with machines and flickering lights. In the middle of the floor was a massive cylinder with a glass front. Behind the glass was three Poké Balls. The three of us pressed our faces to the thin glass. It never occurred to me at that stage that these were our Pokémon.
'My name is Professor Aurea Juniper and I'm studying when Pokémon came into existence and I will be the one to give you your first Pokémon.'
None of us were listening; our eyes still glued to the Poké Balls. I was drawn back to the real world by Cora's mother sobbing in the corner and my mother and Lorcán's dad trying to snap her out of it. By this stage the good Professor had realized that nobody was listening and pressed a green button on the back of the high-tech cylinder. The thin glass rose upwards. A smile came to her as she saw our faces lighting up with excitement and nervousness.
'My first Pokémon' I taught to myself. 'I had always dreamt of this. It's finally happening.' Cora was shaking next to me. Biting her lips and fidgeting with her charm bracelet. Lorcán was smiling and breathing deeply, a little more in control then Cora.
'Adam, Lorcán and Cora - Meet Snivy, Tepig and Oshawott.'
The three Poké Balls opened and light shone and shot from them. The Pokémon began to form from the light. Snivy appeared first. It was a green reptilian Pokémon with a palmate leaf with three prongs for his tail. Tepig appeared almost instantly afterwards. He was a pig-like Pokémon that was mostly orange with pink, black and yellow areas. He had a coiled tail with a bauble at the end. Oshawott was last. An otter-like Pokémon that was light and dark blue. In the middle of his chest was a pale yellow scallop-shaped seashell. He immediately caught my eye.
The computer vibrated and emitted a shrill tone.
'Snivy the Grass-Type. Tepig the Fire-Type. Oshawott the Water-Type.'
'Ladies first, Cora chose your Pokémon' Professor Juniper motioned to the little Pokémon by her side. She had moved closer after talking.
Cora burst into a fit of jumping and giggling. 'I choose ...' she paused for musical effect. Even though I knew which one she'd choose, I still had my doubts and a sweat broke across my brow. 'I choose Tepig' Tepig perked up and ran over to Cora.
'Tep-Tep-Tepiig' Tepig nuzzled Cora's palm as she fussed over him. Tepig wagged its tail happily; it's red-bauble like tip tapping Cora's side in perfect time.
'Well then boys, who's next? Juniper was watching the connection grow between Cora and her partner as she skipped over to show her mother.
I wanted to be the one to answer Juniper's question, but Lorcán Bolt beat me to it. 'It's my turn!' Now the sweat really started to break out. I didn't have a clue to which Pokémon Lorcán wanted. I felt my breathing and heart rate change in pace.
'I choose ...' a worried look of suspense shot across my face. 'I choose Snivy!' Snivy posed then ran around Lorcán and posed again as I let loose sighs of relief and content. Lorcán picked up Snivy and placed him on his shoulder.
I looked at Juniper. 'Well my boy, its Oshawott, Oshawott or Oshawott?'
'Well ... I always wanted Oshawott, so Oshawott I choose you!'
Oshawott who had a look of depression and sadness suddenly became light-hearted. I ran over to me, its tiny arms flailing in the air. It jumped and plummeted into my arms.
'Osh-Osha-Oshawott' he cheeped and wriggled.
'Hey! My name is Adam; it's great to meet you!' My mother came up behind, her long brown hair which I had inherited flowed behind her and framed her youthful face. Hydreigon hovering close to her as if he was a bodyguard. Oshawott raised his head and saw Hydreigon hovering towards us. Oshawott screamed and buried it's self in my chest seeking protection and comfort.
'Hey! relax, this is Hydreigon. My mother's partner. So look up and say hello, at least.'
'Hello, my name is Joan. Adam is my son and Hydreigon is just a big cuddly and scaly dragon.' My mother directed Hydreigon towards Oshawott. Oshawott looked up and made a rumbling noise. Hydreigon poked Oshawott in the stomach and head. Oshawott giggled and grabbed hold of his fuchsia-coloured neck.
'From zeros to heroes in a matter of minutes' Juniper held a box in her hands. 'But ye need to do me a favour.' She opened the box and removed three Pokédexs and five sets of Poké Balls. 'I want ye to help me in my research by catching Pokémon. The device you see in front of you is a Pokédex. The Pokédex records Pokémon data and information, but displays the more crucial data only when you catch them. The Pokédex is an invaluable tool that provides height, weight, gender and form differences and other info.'
Cora, Lorcán and I had moved to the front and stood in a straight formal line. Our Pokémon stood in another straight line in front of us. Juniper handed each of us a Pokédex. I knew my mother had something to do with this, as they were also in our favourite colours. Afterwards five Poké Balls were handed out. I attached them to my belt along with Oshawotts.
'There are many things to enjoy on a journey and I hope ye experience everything. Between the Pokémon League, the Musicals and the traveling.' Juniper was wishing us the best.
'We will make you proud' Cora said with vigour.
'I'll be the next champion, so watch out for me!' Lorcán boasted like his father.
'Snivy!' It joined its Trainer in the search for power.
'You'll have some competition, Lorcán' I commented. In front of me Oshawott shouted his agreement and Hydreigon joined in behind.
Juniper walked towards the door and said 'It's time to take your first steps into the unknown. I'll meet ye in Accumula Town to see how you’re getting on.' Juniper was halfway out the door when Lorcán challenged me to a battle.
'My Snivy versus your Oshawott. Let's do this thing!'
Juniper poked her head in the door. 'Don't even try to battle in this room. Wait till you get to Accumula Town, then your Pokémon will be more capable.' With that she disappeared again. Our parents sniggered in the background.
I walked over to my mom for the last time and gave her a big hug. My mother never cried, but at this moment I was close enough to see watery crystal teardrops in the corners of her eyes.
'Good luck Adam, don't forget to visit, or at least call' She sobbed in my arms.
'Don't worry Mom, I'll see you soon. When I get to Castelia City I'll take the ferry to Nuvema and visit.'
'You will do no such thing! I'll...I'll...I'll meet you some time, in some city or town. But please call using the Cross-Transceiver. Just to hear your voice and see your face.'
I gave her one last big squeeze and she kissed me on the cheek. The look of calm serenity had already returned to her face. I could see Cora and Lorcán leaving the building.
'Well then, let's go to Accumula Town. Ready Tepig!' Cora burst out the door after Juniper. Tepig snorted little fiery embers and charged forward.
'Smell ya later, Adam.' With that Lorcán and Snivy rushed out after Cora.
I said my last farewells and followed my two friends. I turned left outside the Lab and ventured towards Route 1.
'All right Oshawott, this is the beginning of our journey.'
'Oshawott!' Raising his hand in a heroic stance he nodded his agreement. Me and Oshawott walked at a good pace towards the tall grass of Route1 and the start of our many journeys.
Last edited by Heartz; 17th September 2011 at 04:08 PM.
19th July 2011, 09:12 AM #2
I feel so much spring...
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Well, it's actually pretty good. Interesting...very very interesting...
19th July 2011, 09:24 AM #3
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Thanks very much! What did you find interesting about it?
19th July 2011, 11:03 AM #4
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Nice Intro, Bro. :P
Lemme get to the meat of the matter.
Story wise: The first chapter was ok. Not really original. When I read the chapter and saw the writing style, I was kinda expecting some originality. I didn't see it there. No biggie, though.
Writing: Very good. Your writing style is engaging and interesting. Your description is solid. Dialogue was good enough, though I did feel some of it was a bit forced (like Professor Juniper's).
All around, its a good base to work on and a good first chapter. And I most of all know that the first chapter doesn't set the standards for what comes after it. I'm interested to see what's next.
19th July 2011, 11:52 AM #5
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Thanks a lot Jinoga. Those comments will really help!
Originally Posted by Jinoga
23rd July 2011, 04:03 PM #6
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Hey Everyone! Sorry for the lateness of the second chapter. I was very busy over the last week. Thanks for the comments on Chapter 1! Any advice or comments on Chapter 2 would be a great help. This chapter is mostly based on a battle to show my style of writing them. If anyone has any comments on how to improve them or if my battles are boring please tell me so I can improve!
Thanks to Derrier44 for the Banner!
Chapter 2 - Accumula and the First Battle.
The grass of Route 1 swayed in the gentle breeze. It was a small road by the shore, where seascape is enjoyed in peace. A golden brown sandy road lay in front of me. Oshawott was walking be my side. The journey to Accumula Town was quite long. It would take two to three days at a good fast pace. Oshawott and I were making good time, sticking to the road. We had walked a quarter of the way. I was hoping to make it to Accumula by the end of the week.
'Oshawott can you imagine that this is it? We're on a Pokémon journey. My best friends are about twenty minutes from me. I can't believe that I finally can travel!’ I got no response to any of these outbursts and began to worry a little. I scanned the distance for my blue friend. On my second scan of the field I notice him staring into the grass.
'Oshawott, what's wron...' I was interrupted by a loud, shrill, bird call. Silvery wings ascended to the skies, startling Oshawott and myself. Grey and silver Pidoves flew and dispersed into the darkening sky. I had my head down through all of this. I wasn't used to Pokémon running wild.
'Ahhhhhhhh' Was all that I could manage. Oshawott had noticed my fear and was standing face to face with a very large Pidove. He was trying to be strong, but I could see nervousness dance across his face.
'Oshawot-Oshawottt' He was calling to me, urging me to be strong. I swallowed my fear and stood tall, ready for the fight.
'OK Oshawott, I'm with you. Let's take him out!' I had seen Pidoves before in Nuvema, but this one seemed a lot more vicious and temperamental. I guessed he was the leader, protecting his flock. I whipped out my Pokédex and scanned both Pokémon. Dex was the name of the programme that searched through the database.
'Pidove, a Normal-Flying Pokémon. A Pidove flock's cooing can get extremely noisy. Pidove is not attracted to shiny objects.' Dex's metallic voice cut through the wild winds like a knife.
'Oshawott, a Water Pokémon. The scalchop on its stomach is made from the same material as claws. It detaches the scalchop for use as a blade.'
I was astonished by how great the Pokédex was. Checking to see Oshawotts moves right after that.
'Tackle, Tail Whip and Water Gun.' Again the Pokédex fulfilled its duty perfectly. Slipping the Pokédex into my back pocket, I readied myself for my first battle.
'Pidoove' Pidove instantly flew forward and let lose a barrage of cooing. The loud, angry, chirping caused a shiver to travel down my back. Oshawott covered his ears and tried to block it. Unfortunately the damage was done. Not used to battling I faltered a bit and left a gap between Pidoves and Oshawotts moves.
'Oshawott get closer!' I frantically taught of a combination I had seen my mother use years ago. My mother had told me, "If it lowers your attack; lower its defence" She had been a big inspiration to me.
Oshawott steeled itself and ran towards Pidove. This most have been unusual because the Pidove cocked its head and "cooed". But any glimmer of hope was destroyed when Pidove flapped its wings, took flight and fired a small tornado of wind towards Oshawott. The ground Oshawott had made quickly vanished as he tumbled backwards. I felt that I was out of my dept.
'Oshawott stun it with Water Gun, then get closer!' I roared form the sideline, desperately trying to help my new friend. Oshawott rose to his feet, his eyes squeezed shut against the Gust and slowly opened his mouth. A fierce amount of water hit Pidove right in the chest. It fell from the sky and hit the grass hard.
'Pi-Dovvve' It chirped as it tried to take flight once more, but Oshawott was already next to it, standing over it.
'Oshawott now use Tail Whip!' Oshawott simply hit Pidove continually with his tail. Each strike made Pidove that little bit weaker. Oshawott hit Pidove in the face again and again, forcing it back. Pidove had no chance to move. I was so happy for Oshawott; I didn't notice Pidove strike his wings against the ground. A cloud of dust masked the battleground. Grains of sand hit Oshawott in the face, blinding him momentarily.
'Pidooovvvee' It said flying high and out of Oshawotts range. Oshawott had just cleaned the sand and grit from his eyes when I yelled for him to duck. Pidove clipped his wings together and fired a powerful Gust. Oshawott dropped like a stone as the gushing wind travelled directly down to meet him. Luckily Oshawott was lying down at this stage and it barely tipped him.
'Oshawott - Tackle! - Its defence is down! Come on, you’re doing great!' I egged it on form the sideline, hoping my cheers of support would help in some way.
'Osha-Hawott' Oshawott jumped up and raced forward. Using its left foot as a spring board Oshawott leapt into a flying tackle. Pidove had taken too long to react and collided head-on. They both fell to the earth, dust masking the scene. I anxiously waited for the dust to clear. When the dust settled Oshawott was standing over the fainted body of Pidove.
'Oshawott you rock!' Both of us ran to each other and gave each other a high-five. Taking that I had to kneel down it wasn't very high, but still.
'Oshawott you are fantastic. We won our first battle.' Once again Oshawott stood in his heroic pose, with his hand out. I noticed Pidove clamber to its feet and take flight, to rejoin its flock.
'Well Oshawott, one step closer to becoming the Pokémon League Champion. We had to start somewhere, right?' Oshawott voiced his agreement and marched forward. He walked with an aura of confidence all the way to Accumula Town.
We arrived in Accumula Town just after sun down, three days later. We had battled our way through Route 1 and Oshawott had become more confident. We had walked the entire way, only stopping to battle or eat and sleep. I found my supplies were running low. The weather had taken a turn for the worst, over the last couple of hours, and rain was pelting off the road. Oshawott, who loved the continuos onslaught, ran by my side as we made a dash for the Pokémon Center. The Pokémon Center was situated in the heart of the "Town of Hills. The Pokémon Center was a huge red and white building with multiple floors. It was built between a small park and a very tall dome-like building.
I intended to spend tomorrow in Accumula and leave the following day. I wanted to restock my supplies and prepare for the journey to Striaton. On top of that, I still had to meet with Lorcán, Cora and Professor Juniper.
I burst through the automatic red doors of the Pokémon Center, Oshawott in tow. We both shook like Herdiers to remove the wetness from our clothes. The Center was huge. A slight gasp escaped from my mouth. Not many people would gasp at the sight of a Pokémon Center, but coming from a small town like Nuvema, this was massive. The floors were polished so well I could see my own reflection. The cream walls contrasted perfectly with the deep red hue of the floor. On the first floor was a small Poké Mart and sit down areas. I made a mental note to check out the rest of the Center before leaving. Standing at the far end of the Center was a lady dressed in a pink uniform. She had her hair tied up in a way that showed off her features. She came out from behind the counter to greet me.
'Welcome to Accumula Town. My name is Ella. Is this your first time being here with us?'
'Yah, it is. I was supposed to meet a few people in Accumula, but that can wait.' I gazed around the Center again. Oshawott had shaken one time and soaked my trousers.
'Ahh, Oshawott!' I screamed. Oshawott had an apologetic yet mischievous look on his face. Ella was laughing.
'Follow me to the counter.' She took a few steps then froze like ice. 'Actually I don't even know your name.'
'Oh! Sorry, my name is James. I started my Pokémon journey a few days back.' A look of amazement was glued to my face.
'Congratulations!' She continued walking to the counter. I followed her admiring a beautiful mosaic of Accumula on one of the walls. She pulled out a large book from underneath the counter and placed it on the table.
Oshawott was running riot around the centre, knocking stuff and then trying to replace them as neatly as he could. He continued this performance till a pudgy pink Pokémon scolded him. Ella and I burst out laughing as Oshawott slid his foot on the floor apologetically. The Pokémon was pushing a trolley full of what looked like medicine apparatus and tablets. It wore a nurse’s hat just like Ella.
'Oh Audino! Thank you! Is that mans Pokémon better now.' Audino nodded and pushed the trolley in behind the counter next to Ella. I already had my Pokédex out to scan the Pokémon nurse.
'Audino, the Hearing Pokémon. It touches others with the feelers on its ears, using the sound of their heartbeats to tell how they are felling.'
'Unusual Pokémon' I commented.
'Would you like us to heal your Pokémon?' Nurse Ella had a smile on her face and spoke in a calm tone. I guess she spoke like that to all Trainers, as the words sounded rehearsed and forced. I remembered that Oshawott was battling for the last few days and might need a rest.
'Please.' I picked up Oshawott and placed him on the counter. What happened next knocked me for six. Audino placed its two feelers on Oshawott, Audino then emitted a pink pulse that surrounded him. The healing aura cured Oshawott quickly. Audino then went back to preparing medicine.
'If you would like to stay here tonight we have rooms on the third floor. The cost is 100 Poké Dollars a night' Ella asked as I stared in amazement at the healing powers of a pudgy pink nurse.
'Sure, that would be great!' Ella first wrote my name in the large book, then turned and plucked a key from a little hook on the back wall. She handed it to me.
'Your room is the fourth room on the third floor. Take the stairs behind me and your room is the second on the right. Dinner is served until ten on the second floor.' Oshawott jumped off the counter after hearing the word dinner, and began climbing the stairs at the back of the Center.
'Oshawott hold up!' I called after my partner. I thanked Ella and Audino for their help and raced after Oshawott. I jumped up the stairs two steps at a time.
Last edited by Heartz; 25th July 2011 at 03:57 AM.
24th July 2011, 04:53 PM #7
Re: P2 - After the Fall
You've done a good job with this chapter, and I'm going to try and tell you what I like and what I think needs a little polishing.
Plot: Nothing really major happening right now. You're following the game's sequence of events which is okay. Nevertheless, its still much too early in the story to begin talking about this now.
Characters: Like the plot, he's still out there. Nothing really outstanding at first, yet nothing really bad about him either. Now, just a heads-up, I need to warn you about the risk of your character becoming a Mary Sue. He's not one yet, but he may turn into one if you aren't careful, keep that in mind.
Description: Since most of the chapter involves a battle, I think this is one of the more important aspects for the chapter and the story as a whole (since there's probably going to be more battles like this). You did a remarkable job with the description. They were vivid and gave me a good idea of what you were trying to convey during the battle. There were some parts where you could've described a bit more, but all around, it was well done.
Dialogue: It's good. It's realistic and serves the purpose, though I do feel that you could better with it.
- I noticed alot of typos and spelling mistakes. Sometimes, you use the wrong word. For instance, you wrote "Taught" instead of "thought". Proof-read the chapter.
- You have an obvious lack of commas. There are so many instances where a comma should've been there, but wasn't. It ruins the flow of writing. I suggest reading the chapter out loud, maybe that'll help. If it doesn't, maybe a beta reader can help you.
- I didn't mention this in the first chapter, but first-person writing is a very tricky thing. I tried it in my very first story and I admit it was a bit difficult. The reason being that it has to be from the character's POV. Meaning that you cannot describe another character's emotions or feelings without making it seem odd. Remember to describe the narrator's feelings and emotions. Make it seem like he's actually narrating and speaking about himself.
Sooooo, yeah. I think I said all I wanted to say. Good luck with the story.
26th July 2011, 04:52 AM #8
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Thanks Jinoga! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the battle. I'll work harder on polishing up my skills. Hope this one helps with the plot.
'Oshawott hold up!' I called after my partner. I thanked Ella and Audino for their help and raced after Oshawott. I jumped up the stairs two steps at a time.
I found Oshawott with dribble hanging from his lips. His nose pointed towards a small Common Room where other Trainers were eating. A flat screen TV hung in the background. Cecelia Oliver's high pitched frequency, which she called a voice, resonated around the room. Cecelia was the UnoTV news reporter. Oshawott was slowly creeping forward towards a small, bar-like counter. Behind the bar was an elderly lady. I joined Oshawott and noticed that menus were laid out on the counter. Only three dishes were listed: Lamb Stew, Chicken Curry and Vegetarian Lasagne. I also realized that my tummy was rumbling.
The lady had a note pad and a pen at the ready when she addressed us. 'Now my boy, want do you want?' Like a grandmother a comforting and warm smile lit up her face. The smile made me feel at home and at ease.
'I'll take a Chicken Curry please.' I then wondered about Oshawott, who was salivating at the idea of food. The lady must have picked up on this because she then asked would my Pokémon like some Poffins. Poffins were all the rage at the moment. They were a delicious treat from Sinnoh. She told me to take a seat and that my meal would be served in a few minutes.
I chose a circular table close enough to hear the TV, even though Cecelia was only talking about some poor Purrloin that got stuck in a tree.
My meal was served shortly afterwards. The authentic fragrance enticed my sense of smell, as the flavour of oriental cuisine danced on my tongue. She then served a dish of overflowing Poffins, commenting on how fast Oshawott was stuffing them down his throat. She left us to our meal.
I was taking my last bite of chicken and rice, which didn't live up to expectation, when the TV flashed red. The morsel stuck in my throat as Cecelia delivered the news report of the year.
'Inter-Pol Agent Found Dead!' She fiddled with her papers and tried to take control of the situation. 'Agent Anton DuPont, known by his code name Looker, was found two hours ago lying dead in his office. He was found dead, stabbed through the back with a dagger-like object. In his hand was a crumpled letter. The letter was given to him a few moments before death, according to the Police. The letter was written in a foreign tongue. When translated it said - "Seven men will escape your looking eyes before the end of the night and you will be helpless to stop them. Signed G.”
My heart sank at this moment. I knew Looker very well. He had always been looking out for me and my mom. Gathering myself, I remembered Looker visiting Nuvema in search of Black. At that time I was very sick. I think my mother called it “Norovirus”. I had a severe case and Looker made sure I was looked after. I wasn’t gonna accept he was dead. Cecelia continued with her report. 'Also the Police have released information about seven men who escaped from International Police Headquarters Prison in Johto. These men have yet to be identified. According to the Police the men escaped under the cover of a huge Pokémon Battle.'
I barely had time to recuperate when a voice behind me said. 'Adam, finally I found you! Unfortunately I just wish it was on better circumstances.'
Jumping from my skin I turned to find Professor Juniper patting Oshawott on the head. She still wore her lab coat and her hair was in fabulous condition. She asked could she take the seat opposite and talk.
'Of course, sit, please sit!' I sounded like was on the brink of tears.
‘I’m really sorry Adam. I know Looker really made an impression on you and your family.’
That hit home hard. ‘I know. But...But...Who would kill ‘im.’
'Adam, I know this is tough. But please stay strong. Looker was a great man. Very kind, always there to lend a hand and make sure everyone was OK. He knew the dangers of becoming a detective. But his death does not stop your journey. It doesn’t concern your journey. It simply complicates things a little. Your aim is the Pokémon League; not the International Police.’
‘I understand.’ I knew she was telling the truth. I was involving myself with the death too much. The aim I have to accomplish is to beat the eight Gym Leaders. But, I still couldn’t fill that gap. The truth wouldn’t make the pain go away.
‘Adam when are you leaving for Striaton City?’ I could tell she was trying to change the subject for my sake.
‘I was hoping to leave the day after tomorrow, right after I spend some time with Lorcán and Cora.’ My tears were slowly going away.
‘Lorcán and Cora left Accumula this morning. They’re half way to Striaton at this point. I suggest you leave tomorrow. There’s nothing in Accumula for you.’ I couldn’t believe that my best friends had left without seeing how I was. I could be dead! Lying face down on Route 1 with a knife in my back! Oh well! It doesn’t matter. I can’t travel the whole way with them at my side. I spent another hour or two with Professor Juniper before we went our separate ways. We talked for what seem like an age about the best way to get to Striaton. I returned Oshawott to his Poké Ball, while we were talking. For some reason I kept breaking down, tears suddenly irritating my eyes. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to talk. Juniper was very understanding. Ultimately, we parted ways. I went up to my room on the third floor and the Professor went to her own hotel.
That night I did not sleep soundly. I was waking up ever hour. I couldn’t cry, my heart was to full. I was aware that I couldn’t spend my next few days crying and mourning. Looker was just a friend, a good friend. But, no matter how many times I told myself that, I couldn’t grasp it. I eventually drifted off to sleep at about two in the morning.
I didn’t wake till about ten the next morning. I took my at least forty minutes to motive myself to get up. I refreshed before going to breakfast. The same old lady from the night before served me a breakfast of crispy bacon, incinerated sausages and perfectly cooked eggs. Oshawott got another bowl of Poffins. The Common Room was packed with Trainers. The TV was on and the old lady was switching between channels.
At one stage she came across UnoTV. I roared ‘Wait! Go back to UnoTV!’ The memory of Lookers murder flashed inside my head, the cold body and glazed eyes. My mind was racing like a sports car. A sick, twisted, gut-wrenching feeling travelled through my entire nervous system. The last thing I remember before my life came crashing down, was Cecelia announcing another death. Another man killed in Johto and another man who was killed in a horrific way. I blacked-out as the old lady came rushing over, screaming for the nurses. A picture was shown on the television screen. Oshawott tried to catch me, as I tumbled and hit my head off the floor. The picture was of my father. My father was dead.
Last edited by Heartz; 26th July 2011 at 03:18 PM.
26th July 2011, 09:33 AM #9
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Very nice! Well done.
This chapter was awesome. Much better than the other. The plot just heated up there real fast. I like that. Not only that, but this sudden turn of events gave a new dimension to your character. Good job.
...On a side note. Poffins are from Sinnoh. :3
26th July 2011, 03:15 PM #10
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Thanks Jinoga! I'm glad this chapter really struck the right chord. It's nice to hear that I'm doing a good job so far. At the moment I'm working on Chapter 4. Hope to have it up by the end of the week. Expect Pokémon League trainers, gym battles and a thickening plot (fingers crossed :]).
Thanks for telling me about the Sinnoh/Hoenn mistake, I'm on it already!
3rd August 2011, 05:11 AM #11
Re: P2 - After the Fall (Chp. 4)
Sorry for the lateness of my chapter. I've been away on holidays with my family.
Ok, I'm changing my layout now because I'm using the multi-first-person perspective. This means that Lorcán is narrating instead of Adam. This will happen a lot in my story. I will change between Adam, Lorcán, Cora, Adam's mother and other important characters. So without furhter ado I'll leave you with Chapter 4!
Also a small bit of bad language and violance is present in this chapter. Thanks for reading
‘Snivy, quickly use Growth and follow it with Vine Whip!’ The voice echoed across the field, with nothing there but a Trainer and his Pokémon. Snivy radiated a healthy shade of pale green and grew. An aura of green light shone around Snivy a he jumped into the air. His tail whipped out and struck the top of a boulder. The boulder withstood the impact for a few seconds, before smashing to pieces. Sviny flipped in the air and landed gracefully next to its Trainer, its aura disintegrating.
'Well done, Snivy!' I praised my Pokémon who had trained and prepared hard for the first official Pokémon League Battle. The little snake was beaming, obviously encouraged and pleased to hear the compliments. The battle was scheduled for tomorrow at three in the afternoon, Lorcán versus Chili of Striaton City. I was eager to find out how powerful these Gym Leaders were?
I had arrived in Striaton five days ago. I had literally bumped into Professor Juniper at the Accumula Pokémon Centre. She immediately sent me on my way to Striaton. When I arrived in Striaton, the headlines and news articles stunned and appalled me. Having no connection with the news and media while on Route 2, I had no idea that Adams dad was dead, which made me really angry. Adam, Cora and I were very close to him. I found out later Looker had also been murdered which only made my anger worse.
After hearing the news I instantly rang Adam on the Cross-Transceiver. He had returned home after hearing the news and was with his mother. His mom had told him to continue his journey, because the funeral wouldn't be till at least six weeks later. He was due to arrive in Striaton just before my gym battle and I couldn't wait to see him. I hoped he'd be in a good mood, but, if he wasn't I was ready to take the job of the "good friend". My grandfather had died two years ago. He had died of natural causes, aged 106. At the time Adam had always been there for me, and I was ready to return the favour.
It was getting dark when I returned to the Pokémon Centre. Swoobats and Woobats circled the building. From above mood-changing ultrasonic waves altered everyones feelings. That night more information was announced about the murders. The media was calling it "The Johto Forensics Case". It made me sick to think of the way they twisted information.
'Robert Opal, scientist and good friend of agent Looker, died accidentally after one of his experiments went wrong.' Cecelia was making sure the public were listening. 'The chemicals reacted viciously and erupted, burning the entire left side of the body. The burns were so severe he died almost instantaneously. The body was found in Professor Elm's laboratory, a week ago. Other scientists are appealing to the police to check the burns for chemical residue, convinced that the burns were not self-inflicted or accidental. These scientists believe Robert Opal was killed for information he had. Police are still investigating the case and hope to shed more light on the situation by tomorrow.' Cecelia finished her report by reminding her audience that Mr. Opal had worked on the Porygon Project and the secret "Project G".
I punched my open palm aggressively, my teeth gritted and my blood coming to a boil. Robert was a great scientist who worked on creating Porygon and was an expert at restoring fossils. Many talked about him as the "Man who could restore, take and give Pokémon life". He had worked with my father on the building of Marvellous Bridge and worked with Cora's father on the restoration of Village Bridge, a man of great talents and great intelligence. I tried to rid those thoughts from my mind. But the more I pushed them away, the more they came back. I clambered in to bed that evening anxious and angry.
'Ladies first! Go Vanilluxe!' An elegant lady, with a pale complexion and equally pale dress, flung a Poké Ball into the air. A giant ice-cream cone appeared on the battle field. It was white with ice blue arms, a cone-like bottom and a little straw coming out of the top. It looked like something a small child would get for dessert.
'Whatever Natalia! Gigalith crush that frozen freak!' Her opponent was at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. He was a rugged, well-built man with rippling biceps and bulging muscles. Gigalith appeared to fight with Vanilluxe. It was four legged spider-like rock, with orangey-red crystals jutting out here and there.
I had arrived at the gym early that morning. I made my way straight to the Common Room behind the stage. Striaton Gym was situated in the centre of the city. It was a café during the week and gym during the weekend. Adam still hadn't arrived by the time the battle had started and I was beginning to worry that he'd miss my match. The match was being televised, so, I watched from the Common Room.
Cilan was standing on the right side of the battle field. He had a mic in his hand, obviously to make sure everyone heard his voice. 'Welcome everyone to the Striaton Gym. My name is Cilan, and my brothers and I are the Gym Leaders. Today though we have a very special arrangement for you, Natalia Style and Chuck Rennicks will battle here today! They are rivals with a bitter longing to win over the other; also they are Pokémon league veterans. Battling here to demonstrate the strength of the competition! Now without further ado, let the battle begin!'
Natalia's icy voice cut through the air. 'Vanilluxe, Rain Dance!' She and her Pokémon spun around as the command was voiced. A few drops of water descended through the open roof, slowly growing bigger and falling at a quicker pace. Soon a powerful waterfall was pouring through the open roof.
'A little rain won't stop us Natalia!' Chuck was screaming over the noise of the water. 'Gigalith, crush it with Stone Edge!' Gigalith slowly moved closer to Vanilluxe who was still spinning. I felt like telling the ice-cream to “Wake Up”. It didn't even notice the two ton behemoth of rock walk up beside him. Gigaliths crystals shone a deep gold colour and it smashed them into Vanilluxe. Vanilluxe shot back, hitting the back wall. Natalia didn't even blink.
She flung out her hands in a dramatic pose. Something told me that she was definitely a handful. 'Vanilluxe, Rainy Weather Ball! Aim for its head!' Vanilluxe summoned a small ball in its hands. The rain bounced off it and every time the rain touched the ball of energy, that spot flashed blue. Vanilluxe fired the ball at Gigalith. It hit him right between the eyes, dealing massive damage for something so small. Gigalith growled in pain, stamping it feet.
'Weather Ball changes type depending on the weather. At the moment it's a Water-Type move, but, not for long! Vanilluxe Hail!' Natalia was a real drama queen. I s'pose she reminded me of Cora, well, Cora on steroids. Vanilluxe sucked in the rain through a small tube on the right head and released a barrage of hail and ice crystals from its mouths. The rain suddenly started freezing and fell in large clumps.
'Rain, hail, sleet or snow, I will beat the crap out of you! Ready Gigalith, use Rock Polish and then Bulldoze!' Gigalith screeched its agreement and shone brightly. As the light died you could see that he had turned several shades brighter and was sparkling. Then at astonishing speed he shot forwards towards Vanilluxe, who didn't have a chance. Gigalith flattened Vanilluxe with a mighty charge, which must have hurt. Natalia still didn't blink. What was with this chick?
'Now Vanilluxes ability kicks in, every time it's hit by hail its health is restored. Oh, also you're not the only one with speed raising moves! Vanilluxe, Automize and then strike it down with Snowy Weather Ball!' I didn't know Vanilluxe could use the move Automize, so I checked the Pokédex. And there it was in black and white, Vanilluxe, Automize and Egg Move, all in one line.
Vanilluxe spun in a mechanical way, making weird clicking noises. Its spinning got faster and faster, until it was spinning so fast you couldn't see him. A ball appeared above the spinning Pokémon, turning ice white as the hail touched it. It fired off eventually aimed for Gigalith. But I knew you'd only catch Chuck once using that trick.
'Gigalith, Flash Cannon!' There was a hint of anxiety in Chuck’s voice. Gigalith understood the urgency and fired a small metallic ball towards the incoming ice ball. They met head on and exploded. The expanding light blinded me. I couldn't believe the power that they had. It was like two missiles colliding.
When the light faded I saw Vanilluxe glowing light blue in places. The hail was hitting Vanilluxe and then dissolving into its body. For an ice-cream it was tough.
'Gigalith, finish this because I'm getting annoyed! Bulldoze!' Chuck was now red as a tomato and every muscle, tendon and sinew was tensed and ready to spring. Gigalith was just as stressed. Gigalith stamped its feet like a bull waiting to charge, and then shot off like a rocket. It rushed its opponent sadistically. Vanilluxe, who was still spinning, stood its ground.
'Snowy Weather Ball!' Natalia glared at Chuck. I could feel the tension between them. I
Past feuds, split blood and tears apparently drove them to fight hard. Vanilluxe fired icy-white balls towards the incoming Compressed Pokémon. Gigalith wasn't put off by the balls that shattered on impact, but there was a limit to the amount of strikes it could withstand. Eventually the onslaught overcame the behemoth. It collapsed on the floor, ice hanging from its limbs that lay lifeless on the floor. As Chuck cursed his luck and Natalia, Cilan announced the results.
'The winner is Natalia from Iccirus! Congratulations, what a fantastic match! May both competitors leave the field? Next we have a battle between the Leader Chili and Lorcán Coffey! The battle will start as soon as possible, so, don't go anywhere!' Cilan left the podium and made his way to the Common Room. I began making my way towards the battle field. The feeling of being let down swept through me. Adam had said he'd be here! Ah, screw him anyway; I don't need him to be by my side.
I had made my way to the left hand side of the field, where my starting white box was, when I heard my name being called from the side line. I turned to find Adam standing right behind me. A smile flashed across my face.
'Dude, you made it!' I grabbed his outstretched hand. 'I taught you wouldn't be here.'
'I told you I'd make it. I need to battle the gym as well, thank you very much.' Adam was great, even through all the heartache he had made my gym battle. I was so engrossed in talking with Adam; I didn't hear Chili coming up behind me.
'Dude, ready to turn up the heat? Oh, who's this, huh?' Chili was pointing towards Adam. Chili was standing tall with spiky, red hair making him a few inches taller. I introduced Adam to Chili and told him of Adam wanting to battle the gym.
'Great! One of us will definitely take your challenge. Tomorrows not really a hot day, so, maybe we can squeeze you in then.' Chili said, sounding eager to see Adam battle. A little too eager. Adam was ecstatic.
'Really? That would be great! Thanks a lot Chili.'
'No sweat. Lorcán let's do this thing!' Chili left me and Adam. Cilan had taken his place in the centre and was talking into the mic.
'Good luck!' Adam said.
'Thanks Adam. Watch and learn, because this is how the big boys battle!' Adam punched me in the arm. He wished me good luck once more as I moved to my box. Chili stood opposite me, Poké Ball in hand. Cilans tone echoed from the speakers.
'Now we have the first official match of the day, Chili versus Lorcán! Challengers pick your Pokémon!' Cilan motioned to Chili first. Chili flung his Poké Ball into the air. It burst open and light radiated from the opening. I couldn't wait to see this Pansear of his. I had chatted with a few trainers who had said that Pansear was a menace and real pain in the butt. What formed from the ball was far from what the descriptions claimed.
A small, red and cream monkey glared at me. It reminded me of a Teddy bear I had when I was two. I had monkey features and a tuft on its head. According to the Pokédex the temperature of its head tuft reaches 600' F. Its tail was topped with a pointed, barb-like piece of fur.
'Pansear and I are gonna burn you to ashes! Right Pansear.' Chili apparently knew about his Pokémon's rep.
'Not good enough Chili. Swim fast, Basculin!' I threw my newest Poké Ball into the air. It burst over the area of water, revealing a fish like silhouette. The Pokémon dived beneath the water hiding itself from view. Eventually it poked its head into the air. It was a green fish with white fins and a blue stripe. Its teeth were sharp as knives and it was extremely hostile. I had gotten Basculin from a fisherman who had reeled in two Basculins; one red and one blue. Both types argue and fight with each other constantly, so, he gave me one.
'Now that the Pokémon have been chosen, we flip the coin. Chili, heads or tails?' Chili answered with a confidant nod of "heads". Cilan flipped the thin, sliver of silver into the air. When it landed he told us that Chili would go first. I grunted knowing that it would've been better for my combo if I had gone first.
'So, you ready? Good let's heat it up! Pansear, use Fury Swipes!' Pansear ran forward, its claws elongating and shining a dull white. It ran to the water’s edge and slashed repeatedly at Basculins exposed head. After three swipes Basculin dived under the water.
'Basculin, swim round the field and use Water Gun!' I roared from the confinement of the white box. I knew Pansear was super weak to Water-Type moves, so, I trained Basculin super hard. Basculins dorsal fin was all that could be seen as it swam round the field. Suddenly and unexpectedly it jumped into the air, water exploding from its open mouth. But Pansear and Chili must've fought with many Water-Types because it knew what to do straight away. The rushing water was aimed at Pansears back, but, it simply turned and fired a blast of its own. The blazing fire that erupted from the tuft shot across the field and evaporated the oncoming liquid. Steam blinded the audience and competitors. When the steam cleared both Pokémon were unharmed.
'Shit! That should've crushed him. What's up?' I cursed him. Chili smirked, my aggression and surprise apparently visible.
'Incinerate burned your partner. It's a Fire-Type move with a volcanic kick! Now Pansear, use Leer!' A creepy, eerie light shone from Pansears eyes as it glared at my ranting Basculin. Basculin immediately shut up, cowering due to the move.
'Basculin, let's show him a real battle, use Bite!' I screamed out to my Pokémon. Basculin snapped its response. It jumped in to the air, its tail whipping from side-to-side. Teeth flashed and punctured into Pansears tail. Pansear let loose a primeval scream and ran round in circles.
Chili was cool and calm. ‘Pansear, ram it into the ground! Then attack it with Fury Swipes!' Chili's combo was perfect. The monkey with a fish attached to it jumped up and body slammed the fish into the ground. Pansear crawled up into a kneeled position. Basculin lay at its feet, flopping like a fish outta water.
'Basculin get to the water! Retreat!' This last turn of events worried me. I was doomed if Basculin didn't reach that water. Basculin hopped slowly towards the water, Pansear hot on its heels. Once more Pansear claws shone a dull white and it slashed at Basculin over and over. It struck four times before stopping. Luckily by this stage Basculin had dived head first into the water, I was panting and I could hear Adam egging me on. Pansear also seemed to be getting tired, its shoulders and upper body drooping.
'Basculin take it easy for a bit! When you're ready let's finish this, Aqua Jet!' I held my breath as Basculin plunged under the surface. Chili and I looked each other straight in the eye, both of us trying to get the upper hand. Pansear was as nervous as the Trainers.
Suddenly Basculin burst from the depths, liquid building up around it till it was completely surround in spinning water. Issuing a shrill grunt it rushed Pansear from behind. Pansear wasn't used to physical Water-Type moves and froze.
My heart rate rose. A silence fell across the battle field. Even Adam who had been quietly shouting his support was silent and sitting on the edge of his seat.
'Bassssculllinnn!' My Pokémon collided with Pansear, the twisting water surrounding Pansear. Engulfed in water Pansear started panicking, kicking and screaming. Basculin bit into Pansear tail again.
Chili gasped as Pansear fell from the sky; Basculin had released him from his watery cage suddenly. Basculin returned to the water as Pansear slammed into the ground. Dust exploded from the ground, settling quickly. Pansear lay limply on the ground, its eyes rolled back into its head. Chili had a little tantrum as I danced in celebration. My head felt light and I felt warm and fuzzy. I ran over to Basculin and patted it on the head.
'You were, like, totally awesome. Have a long rest.' Basculin gently nibbled on my hand as I returned it to its Poké Ball. Chili, Cress and Cilan came towards me, Chili's head hung in shame. Adam was running up behind me. Cilan held the mic in his hands.
'Congratulations Lorcán! According to the rules of the Pokémon League we present you with the badge that shows you have won against the Leader. Congrats!' Cilan started the applause and the crowd followed, chanting "Lorcán, Lorcán, Lorcán". Chili came up to me and gave me a small wooden box.
‘Dude that was a fiery match, that water jet thing, genius! Take the Trio Badge, you deserve it. Pansear and I are in awe.' My pulse raced as I took the box. My dream had come true.
I opened the box, hearing Adam whistle as the badge was revealed. It was made up of three diamonds placed point-to-point. The diamonds were each a different colour; red, blue and green. The diamonds were surrounded in a thin, gold outline. I closed the box, which was cold against my warm, sweaty hands, and yelled, at the top of my lungs. The Gym Leaders and Adam were stunned.
'Thank you so much! I can't believe that I got my first badge. I taught I'd have to battle one of you hundreds of times to get it. But this is a great feeling.' I spun round and high-fived Adam. 'Ha-ha! I'm closer to the League then you.'
'Don't be such a jerk. I could still beat the crap out of you yet. My battle is tomorrow. Cress squeezed me in.' My jaw dropped. Cress came up next to Adam, his arms folded.
'I will battle him tomorrow. I have to fight the child of madman Robert Opal.' This time my jaw hit the floor. Adam tensed next to me. That was a bad move Cress. Everyone knows that Adam is the greatest friend and person god put on earth. He is kind, sensitive and generous. But he has one major flaw, a fault as big as the Dragonspiral Tower. He is so temperamental and aggressive. Get him angry and he will rip you to shreds.
'You better be talking about somebody else.' Adam clenched his fists and took several deep breaths. This was gonna get ugly fast.
'No! Robert Opal, the one that died or committed suicide. No one will ever know.' I grabbed Adam arms as he got ready to lash out at Cress. I reminded him that an audience was watching. He shrugged me off.
'Wait till tomorrow, shit-face! I'll show you just how much of a great man my father was!' Adam stormed out of the gym.
'"Was" being the correct word!' Cress yelled after him.
'Cress, I hope you know what you're doing! Chili, thanks for the great battle. Smell you guys later.' With that I ran out after my fuming friend.
4th August 2011, 04:46 AM #12
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Interesting. Are you still trying to practice writing battles? In my opinion, you've already grasped it very well. Your battles are among my favorite to read. But I have to say, my favorite part in all the chapter was the last part in the chapter, the one where Adam blows his head at the gym leader. I like that, it adds a little excitment. The perspective changes were nice and smooth. Well Done.
5th August 2011, 05:06 AM #13
Re: P2 - After the Fall
I was just a little practice, but, mostly it was to seperate the death of Adam's father and the discovery of Adam's major flaw - his anger. His anger plays a big part in the next chapter and rest of the story. Thanks for reveiwing my chapters. I'm glad the perspective changes weren't sharp and sudden!
13th August 2011, 04:29 AM #14
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Okay here's Chapter 5. It's a little relaxed. Hope you enjoy.
'Adam! Hold up, will ya!' I had to gallop after Adam as he had stormed out of the Striaton Gym. I found him walking briskly through the Striaton Markets. It's wonderful when you're trying to find someone and you have to manoeuvre around people and stalls. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack! And unfortunately I tapped a couple of people on the shoulders telling them to "Slow the hell down", only to find they were somebody else.
I eventually tagged him as we drew near a newsagents, 'Dude, you need to stop running now! I'm wrecked.' I put my hand on his shoulder as I bent over, doubled, trying to catch my breath. Oshawott was standing next to Adam. He looked worried and was gazing up at his Trainer.
'That stupid no-it-all Cress, I'm gonna beat him to a pulp, the little runt,’ Adam had his fists clenched and was talking through gritted teeth. ‘Yah, I’m going to blow him to pieces. He won’t get away with mocking my father.’
‘Dude, calm it down.’ I was talking in between gasping breaths.
‘No! I won’t! I won’t, I won’t …’
'Adam, relax! Dude you’re like a raging Tauros! I know you don't want to accept this, but, you do have a slight anger problem.' I stood up, still panting heavily.
No I don't!' He roared out and a dozen heads instantly froze their glares on us. Adam and I issued our silent apologizes with nods and facial expressions.
Oh, I think you do. Right there is a perfect example and another is when you nearly clobbered Cress at the Gym.' Adam looked at me. That innocent and polite look he had returning to his face.
‘But it’s only me ... expressing ... myself ... right?’ I saw a mixture of fear and concern mature inside his eyes. I felt sorry for him because he really was nice guy.
‘Yeah, eh, expressing yourself involves ripping someone’s head off.’ I raised an eyebrow as I said this.
'I never ripped someone’s head off.' He sounded serious, but, I couldn't help myself from bursting out in a laughing fit. I tapped my sides as coarse laughs leaked from my mouth. Adam gave me a look, which meant, "What's up with you?”
'Dude, when we were eight you punched Walter Show in the nose because he called you a "Wuss". He had a crooked nose for two months after that. And when we were twelve, you kicked Christian Valentine, in a painful region; just because he stuck a note saying, "Laugh" on your back. Man, you definitely have a problem!'
A look of surprise and disbelief slowly made its way across Adams face. He looked like he'd seen a Cofagrigous. ‘But that doesn’t mean ... I have a problem.' I understood immediately Adam had suddenly realized that fact. Adam looked really depressed and I s'pose the events that had occurred over the last month had taken their toll on Adam.
I patted him on the back and offered to get him Lemonade. He took me up on my offer and by the time we got our drinks Adam was back to being Adam. Adam also got a copy of the Daily Unovian, the official Unova tabloid. He tucked it under his arm and paid for it. We found a seat close to the shop and sat down to read and drink. Oh, and Adam told me more bad news. Wonderful.
On the front page of the paper, directly under the masthead, was the caption “Fossil Lover Fossilized”. Yeah Adam had to pick up a tabloid. A picture of Robert Opal was shown on the front with the words “suicide”, “accidental death” and “case closed” underlined. I had barely enough time to read the article before Adam scrunched it up into a ball and flung into the nearest bin. Oshawott still had a look of worry on his face. Poor Oshawott, I knew this was affecting him as much as Adam.
‘The Chief of Police rang us last week, telling us the case was to be closed. The forensic report had returned and showed that he had either committed suicide or was worked on something that went horribly wrong.’ Adam clenched his fist and I saw liquid crystals forming in the corner of his eyes.
‘Heh, come on. Cheer up. I can’t be seen with a sulking fifteen. I’m on the road to them Pokémon League.’ Adam glared at me as I shook my head confidently. I was quickly brought back to earth by two punches; one from Adam and one from a complaining otter.
‘Osh – Osh – Osha!’ Oshawott looked really determined to back up for Adam. I apologized quickly and we moved on. Adam thanked Oshawott for looking out for him and returned him to his Poké Ball.
We spent the rest of the day sightseeing. I spent a good sum of money on Poké Balls and medicine. Adam bought himself a new watch - which was pretty impressive in its own right. I made the final purchase of the day by buying a silver pendant in the shape of Serperior, Snivy’s final form. I also noticed she had Emboar and Samurott in sale, so I bought them quickly when Adam and Oshawott had their backs turned. Cora and Adam were going to love them!
After wondering round the market for a while we noticed a small flyer posted on the bulletin board – Monsieur Claude’s Pokémon Trainer School, open from 8 – 8. This caught my attention. Adam and I were drawn to this school on the west outskirts of the market. It was a large building with a unique architectural style. Columns and pillars grew from the earth like trees. The light from the evening sun had broken through the clouds and was shining off the stained glass windows.
The inside of the school was as immaculate as the outside. Several classrooms sprouted in different directions. Each was filled with an odd array of students and learners, from kids to adults. At the front desk an elderly man greeted us and gave a list of classes, lessons and times. Classes ranged from tactics and strategies to rivals and the Pokémon League. I began to walk away from the desk. I wasn’t going to take any class, but I wasn’t the only one picking up a list.
I ultimately noticed that Adam didn’t follow me and was nowhere near me. My mind raced as I saw him talking to the elderly man who greeted us. I only caught a few words of the conversation. Words like book, course, anger and Claude rang in my ears. What Adam was up intrigued me. Oh Landorus, what if he was signing me up for a lesson. He wouldn’t? Would he? I crept forward to catch the end if the conversation.
‘Thanks for all your help,' Adam nodded and put what looked like paper in his back pocket. 'I’ll be back tomorrow for the course.’ The elderly man answered with a nod before retreating to a door behind the desk with a large book.
'What was that about?' I said 'Dude did you sign me up something? If it's a cookery course!' Adam laughed at this statement. Both of us knew how much I loathe cooking. Last time I went near a cooker, I set the tea towel on fire and burned the food. I wasn't going anywhere near a cookery course.
'No, though that would be funny to watch.' Still laughing he pulled the paperwork from his back pocket. He unfolded the perfectly creased, rimmed, handmade paper and handed it to me. The paper read: "This document acknowledges that Master Adam Opal will undertake the 'Anger - Control it!' course over the next two weeks. A deposit of 400 Poké Dollars has been paid and the full price will be paid after the course has been completed. Teacher: Monsieur Claude."
'You're taking an anger course? Are you serious?' This taught of an anger course made me feel guilty. Maybe I shouldn't have made such a big deal of it. Adam had only just lost his dad, of course he'd be upset. Oh Landorus!
'Adam, I'm not sure 'bout this.' I was concerned that this wasn't the way to go about this problem.
'Look, Lorcán. I understand now that I have a small problem and that if I don't deal with it people could get hurt. You were right in what you said. This will help me. Trust me!' Adam seemed so into this that for a moment I began to feel persuaded. Maybe a few relaxation lessons were all he needed. The flyers and reviews that were posted all over one of the walls, all indicated that M. Claude's courses were of top quality and were aimed at teens and new Trainers.
‘OK. I trust you. Want to head?’
‘Sure, I’m famished,’ To prove this his tummy rumbled and made some funny noises. I burst out laughing. Adam was great.
'You ready Adam?' I asked.
'Yeah. I'm ready. Cress won't know what hit him. Ready Oshawott?' Adam looked down at his partner who stood beside him.
'Oshawott!' And with that both of them ran out onto the battlefield of Striaton Gym. After our visit to the school yesterday, we went straight to the Pokémon Centre. We spent the rest of the evening laughing and talking. I actually can't remember when I went to my room. I woke quiet early though, I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss Adam’s battle.
After I had breakfast Adam and Oshawott arrived. They were pumped. I hoped they wouldn’t get carried away; Cress was bound to mess with their heads. We arrived at the glistening, marble Gym at noon. The sun had been shining and there were no clouds to be seen. Everything was going good so far.
I followed Adam out on to the field. Only Cress, Cilan, Chili, Adam and I at the Gym. Officially the Gym challenge didn’t start till two, but, we were special. I stood next to Adam and Oshawott. They had an eager look on their faces. Chili looked just as eager as they were. He nodded to me and I nodded back. Cress looked as calm. I noticed that a blue version of Pansear stood next Cress. This Pokémon had a sadistic look on its face and its teeth were on full display, each one like a mini knife. I assumed that this was Panpour.
‘Well, is the son of the madman ready to fight?’ Cress’ voice was clear like crystal with a cold edge. His glare and tone sent shivers down my spine. This guy was serious.
‘Bring it – Shit face!’ Adam mimicked Cress’ calm and snobbish tone and walked away. Cress flipped his hair. It settled over his left eye. Cilan took his position as ref and Chili and I retreated to the stands. We were talking about the tension and how you could cut it with a knife. Before we knew it Cress issued his first command.
‘Panpour, Scratch!’ Cress reminded me of Natalia. Drama! But I was shocked he didn’t even wait for Cilan to say go!
‘Oshawott, slash it with Fury Cutter!’ Adam roared. Oshawott masterfully removed his shell-shaped blade. It radiated a light green colour. Oshawott rushed Panpour. Panpour’s teeth were bared and its claws were elongating. Long, white talons slashed at Oshawotts head as a blade ripped across Panpours mid-section. Both Pokémon cringed as they backed off. This was going to be a long day.
Last edited by Heartz; 13th August 2011 at 04:36 AM.
22nd August 2011, 05:58 AM #15
Re: P2 - After the Fall
Ok, this is Chapter Six. Hopefully this will be better then Chapter 5, which was a bit of a drag. Thanks for reading!
My heels made a clicking sound as they collided with the cold, dull, metallic floor. The clicking resonated in perfect time. I flipped my hair as I passed two young Police Officers. The show was greeted with applause and whistles. I knew I'd turn some heads. I was a vision of business and office chic; a knee-length, black, pencil skirt with a white blouse and a black, ladies suit jacket. My clothes were of the highest quality and I was pulling out all the stops.
Now you're probably thinking, "What the hell is going on?", so I will tell you, right after I pass through security checkpoint two! At these checkpoints they searched me and then questioned me about the past and present life of Joan Opal. Luckily I could give those answers; I never was good with memories.
Four weeks ago my son, Adam Opal, had rang me to tell me of his defeat to Cress of Striaton. Even after having a few quick anger lessons with M. Claws, or Clauses or whatever, he still was enraged during the battle. Cress had played dirty, breaking down my son emotionally, before finishing Oshawott very fast. His Panpour was supposedly worse than Chili's Pansear.
I was glad Adam was doing something about his anger problem. I had known that it was a major problem since he was little, but, had left it alone. Unfortunately, that anger grew and grew, and sometimes would explode from Adam in the most destructive cases. Poor Walter.
Anyway, he was OK and working on his anger with Monsieur C. and he said he should definitely beat Cress the next time. How my little man, my little survivor, was growing up!
After clearing the third security checkpoint, with very little difficulty, I made my way to see Chief of Police, R. Lampas. I needed to have a long chat with him about my husband’s murder.
I found myself being ushered to the front desk. Annoyance was beginning to develop and like my son, I had no problem exploding with rage. A young man, not much older than twenty, sat behind a computer screen. He removed his earplugs when I approached the desk. I swear his eyes were as large as saucers.
'Um, Um, Um ... How ... Wow.' He stumbled over his words and his chair, quickly getting to his feet to meet me.
'First things first,' I said. 'Keep your arms, legs and other movable parts of your body behind the desk at all times. Thank you for your cooperation.'
This kinda snapped him out of his trance and he recuperated fast. 'May I help you Ma'am?'
'Yes, I'd like see Chief Rod Lampas, please? I have an appointment with him. It's for two o'clock.' I retrieved my Smartphone from the depths of my handbag and checked the time. Two o'clock, on the dot. I was a sucker for punctuality.
'I'm sorry Ma’am; Mr. Lampas isn't taking any visitors today. Can I ... I jot you in for tomorrow at the latest.' His speech was riddled with "Um" and "Eh", which I didn't bother to mention.
'Look here, I have an appointment and he will keep it. To be honest I don't care if he's not taking visitors because I'm an appointed client.' I was angry at this stage, with my arms grabbing the edge of the desk and my red head reaching over the top. Four weeks ago, the day Adam was supposed to reach Striaton actually, Chief Lampas declared Robert Opal's death as a act of either suicide or accidental events. "The man was clearly insane at the time" he said. What a load of Bouffalant shit! My husband was killed! Simple as that!
After this announcement I bought the next ticket to Johto and set sail. I left five days later, I departed from Castelia City and arrived at Goldenrod City within a two weeks. It then took me a week to get to New Bark Town (Oh all right, I cheated a bit and flew occasionally, shoot me!).
I spent a few days with the much-publicized Professor Elm. He showed me around the area where my husband had been found. The state of the room intrigued me. As far as I could see, no damage had been caused to the equipment, floor, walls or ceiling. For a chemical explosion, there weren’t many repercussions. The professor also told me that only the paramedics had been near the room, to remove the body. I made a mental note to bring it up in my chat with Mr. Lampas. But back to the present.
'Ma'am, please he doesn't want anyone to disturb him today. He made himself very clear this morning.' I could see the young man was frightened by my outburst. I released the desk from my grasp and I pulled back.
'Young man, I heard the Chief was a very understanding man, who made it his business to meet people and clear their conscience.' I was annoyed and this poor man was feeling the results. I felt sorry for him, for about a minute. Won't keep me waiting again!
'Well, Mr. Lampas is new here. He only started a month ago. He worked as a detective beforehand. The man is very different to Mr. Yorke.' I could hear his voice becoming a little more confident ever time he spoke. I knew this was going nowhere fast, so I played my trump card. I passed him a signed document and asked him to read it.
'Now, I'm asking you nicely, can I see Mr.
Lampas?' His jaw fell and he simply nodded before handing the document back to me. I put the signed paper into my bag. 'Thank you and good day.' I left the poor lad astonished as I walked off to Mr. Lampas's office.
The office was easy to find. It was just down the hallway, up two flights of stairs and was the fourth room on the left. If you followed the signs you'd be fine. If you didn't - good luck!
The door to his office was very modern. Thin red with a cream, frosted window running down the centre. Mr. Lampas was written in gold on the pane of glass. Also a crest was barely viewable on the glass. The crest comprised of a golden cross with a black and white feather laid across it. I thought I saw that crest before; maybe Mr. Yorke had had the same one. I knocked twice before barging in.
My heels made their noise and my hair flowed as I saw a fat, grizzly, gray haired man sitting dumfounded eating curry. A golden dribble of sauce hung from his lip. He was a disgusting man, if you asked me.
'What did I tell that fool of a receptionist, no visitors? Would you please get out of my office?' His voice was harsh and his tone of voice was angry. I felt like slapping the man. How dare he speak to someone like that? Did his mother ever teach him manners or how to eat properly!
'Mr. Lampas I am appalled and horrified that a man of your stature could be so aggressive and cruel to a visiting client. Do you even know who I am?' Yeah baby, I could be mean if I wanted too. My remark had stunned Lampas and he was just sitting there with a bewildered look on his face. 'My name is Joan Opal, my husband was Robert Opal,' At this Lampas's face fell and became a sick, ghostly, shade of white. 'I am here to talk to you about the death of my husband and to persuade you to reopen the case!'
'Mrs. Opal, the case has been closed,' He was talking with a mouth full of chicken and veg and I took all my strength not to look away. 'The case is closed and that's final!'
'Well then please tell me how my husband died? Because the area in which he died is spotless,' I told you that area of the lab caught my attention. 'No broken apparatus or chemical residue around the room. No sign of an experiment or use of equipment?'
'The room was cleaned by my team after the body had been removed.' Still Lampas chewed.
'No!' I shouted slamming my open palm down hard on the table to show my anger. 'Professor Elm told me nobody had gone near the room after the body had been removed. No clean-up team. The room was under lock and key.' Lampas' face became paler then before.
'What?' He choked on a piece of chicken and spat it into his curry, much to my displeasure. Seriously, were you raised with pigs? 'Well, then my workers either have slacked off or ....' He trailed off. I knew I had him. I bet ya he couldn't think of an answer. Now to finish the job. Without asking for permission I sat sown in a leather chair in front of Lampas.
'Also Lampas, my husband's Pokémon were found in Goldenrod and witnesses will testify that Robert was in Goldenrod at five-to-nine. Now these are facts from your officers, so with that in mind tell how my husband got from Goldenrod to New Bark Town without his Pokémon? And tell me why!' I got angry towards the end and my voice and tone began to rise. A smirked lit up my face as Lampas gobbled down his curry, with a look of fear and nervousness in his eyes. I could see the man was either not ready to be in charge or he was hiding something. I'd go with the latter.
'Well, Joan,' He put a certain emphasis on "Joan" which meant another piece of curry and chicken was sent flying from his mouth. 'I will take into account the facts you have brought to my attention and I will think it over m. Now please get out, so I can eat in peace!'
'Look hear Lampas, you reopen this case now or I take legal action,' I said. 'Do you know the penalty for closing a case deliberately?'
'Firstly Joan, you will address me by my proper title, which is either Chief or Agent Lampas. Secondly, I will reopen the case into your husband’s death. Now get out!' He screamed at me, the hairs of his beard shaking. He lower his head and returned to a matter of utmost importance - eating!
'Firstly, thank you "Agent Lampas", and second if it's titles you are looking for, address me as Lady Joanna, Dragon Master of the Unova Elite Four!' I rose while talking and made my way to the door. It took a while for my sentence to kick in. But when it did, the last thing I saw was the "Chief" reaching for his phone while coughing and cursing.