Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

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    Default Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    In the following fanfiction, there are scenes of adult content not suitable for little children, involving acts both of a heterosexual and homosexual nature, if you are offended by any such potential, then please do not read any further.

    Chapter 1.
    Matt and Nat

    Dawn looked at the clock and sighed. It was almost time to leave for Professor Oak's, and Ash still wasn't up.
    “Honey wake up,” Dawn said while trying to awake Ash. “You slept in when it was your first day as a Pokemon Trainer; don’t sleep in on Matt and Natalie’s as well.”
    “Oh my god what time is it,” gasped Ash as he awoke. 9:50 Am, but that only gives me 10 minutes to get ready. Ash lept out of bed, put on his underwear, and put on a shirt and a pair of jeans. He ran down the stairs, “Matt, Natalie are you ready?” he quizzed the pair. In the doorway stood the twins, a boy and a girl, the pair looked like their parents, as if they had been mixed together, and split in 2, however they were non identical.
    “Dad we’ve been ready for ages,” replied Natalie.
    “Yeah, since 7” added Matt.
    “I’m sorry, really, let me drive you to Professor Oak’s Laboratory,” Ash responded. “You'd better Dad, otherwise we will be late,” commented Natalie.
    "Come on Dad, you promised me you'd get me their first so I can get the best one," pleaded Matt. Ash looked at his two children staring up at him. My how they'd grown. Matt's blue back pack, fastened tightly to his back, while Natalie stood looking at her Pink Pokegear, was it really time for them to start their adventure? Ash grabbed their hands Matt's hand in Ash's left, and Natalie's in his right. He ran with them down the wooden staircase, into the white hallway. He stopped to look at his badges, all in a frame on the cream coloured wall paper.
    "I bet they'll get more than that," he thought. As Matt and Natalie hurried him into the car, he turned the key, and began to drive. He folded down the roof, on the blue sports car, so he could feel the wind in his face. The noise from the town was audible over the sound of the motor, as Pallet Town, although small, was very lively, and full of energetic people. As he drove down the country roads, Matt and Natalie began arguing in the back of the car. Nothing serious, just one of their play arguments over who would be better. "Typical," Ash thought.

    Ash pulled up outside of Professor Oak’s Laboratory, “Ah, it hasn’t changed a bit,” Ash said out loud.
    “Come on; let’s go say hi to Professor Oak.” They walked in through the door; it was left open, and walked through the hallway into the Lab. A sign on the door said “Welcome to Professor Oak’s Laboratory new trainers, your journey through the world of Pokemon is about to unfold.” The twins rushed in, “slow down,” Ash shouted. But no response came. As the twins were out of sight, Ash had a chance to look around. You could tell the building was old, from the architecture, the staircase looked like it was from a film set in the 20's. With emaculate wooden doors on either side of the hallway, that had stood their for generations, and still looked, crisp and new.

    “Hey Uncle Gary,” said Natalie.
    “Hello Natty, but please, call me Professor Oak,” Gary replied blushing.
    “I want a Pikachu,” said Matt.
    “What,” said Natalie looking shocked, “Piplup is so much better.”
    “Nuh uh,” said Matt.
    “Um yeah,” replied Natalie.
    “Stop it, stop it,” said Gary. “Haven’t you read the Trainer’s Guide, and didn’t you watch last nights show?” “You have a choice between, Charmander, Bulbasaur and Squirtle”
    “Yeah but that’s so lame,” whined Matt.
    “We want better ones,” pleaded Natalie.
    “You’re lucky to have that choice,” said Gary. “Your dad didn’t have a choice, he fell asleep,” laughed Gary. “Oh hey Ash, I was just telling Matt and Nat, about the day we started our Pokemon Journeys.”
    “Yeah yeah, I slept in, and wound up with the best Pokemon,” Ash retorted.
    “Says you,” Gary quipped back. “Oh and, I know we’re friends, but this is still a lab, don’t you think you should have worn socks and shoes?”
    “Um, oh, oh my, well, I got up late and…”
    “Say no more Ashy-boy; you’re the same as ever.” Gary laughed.
    “Grrrrr,” mumbled Ash, as he hated that nickname.

    Gary decided that Matt should pick first as he was the eldest of the two by 10 minutes, much to the displeasure of Natalie. She folded her arms, clearly upset about the decision and the unfairness.
    “I’m going to pick…” Matt, reached out and took the one in the middle “Charmander”
    “Congratulations, you have chosen the fire…” Gary said before being interrupted.
    “Awesome, I pick Squirtle,” cheered Natalie. Breaking out of her sulk, and snatching the ball from the table. She then hugged Matt tightly, as she was happen with his decison.
    "I thought you'd choose Squirtle like you said you would, thank you for letting me have Squirtle, thank you thank you thank you." Matt blushed, he had wanted Squirtle, as he knew that he would have a huge advantage over the first two gyms, but he knew his sister so badly wanted that Squirtle, that he would step down, and let her have it, he just wished she didn't thank him so much. It was embarasing.
    Matt and Natalie were duly given their Pokedex and Pokéballs. Ash tried to offer to drive them to where they wanted, to Viridian City, on his way to work as the Gym Leader, but they declined, stating they wanted to go on their own. They gave their Dad a hug, before leaving Oak’s Laboratory, and turning left towards Route 1.

    “That’s a nice family you got there,” Gary said to Ash.
    “Thanks Gary,” responded Ash, “They’re great kids”
    “Yeah,” said Gary, “I’ve watched them grow up from birth till now, giving them their first Pokemon.”
    “How is Dawn?” asked Gary,
    “Oh she’s fine,” Ash answered. “She’s been giving the MC title for Kanto Pokemon Contests, she will be great.”
    “That sounds really cool, an ex-Grand Festival winner as the MC, but she won in Johto right?” Gary asked.
    “Yeah, that’s right.” Ash replied.
    “So how is it running the Viridian Gym Ashy-boy?” Gary laughed.
    “All the challengers I get are really weak, it’s not that much of a challenge,” Ash complained. Gary got up out of his seat and walked over to Ash.
    “That’s because you are so strong,” he lowered his voice and felt one of Ash’s biceps. “The new trainers just don’t stand a chance,” Gary continued, placing his other arm on Ash’s other bicep.
    "Gary, I don't think we should do this," begged Ash.
    "Oh but Ash, come on, don't get scared. We do this so much, it's natural to us," responded Gary.
    "What if I don't feel comfortable with it?" questioned Ash.
    "Oh come on Ash, I will go get ready," added Gary.

    Gary began moving pieces of paper around the lab, off of tables, and moving heavy hi-tech machinery. Ash went and laid down on one of the desks. Gary stepped over to him, and climbed on top of the desk as well. He then began removing Ash's clothing. Ash was uncomfortable, but he gave no objection. When Ash and Gary had both removed all their clothing, and left them in a heap on the floor, except a necklace around Ash's neck, Gary began licking Ash's chest. Ash felt a shiver go down his spine, as the tongue hit his flesh, however Gary did not notice. Ash offered up a kiss to Gary, who gave one back. Before Gary started going lower and lower until he reached Ash's groin. He began to suck it, but then Ash noticed something from the open window, not the cool breeze flowing into the room but a camera flash.
    “WHAT WAS THAT,” Ash screamed pushing Gary off of him and running over to the window where the flash had come from. He shouted, “who’s out there,” there was some rumbling in the bushes.” “Show yourself.” Ash banged his fists against the window, causing the window to crack. Before Ash then began to sob uncontrolably.


    EDIT:Added more description and developed the characters of Matt and Natalie a little bit more, as well as removing a lot of the gay scene and not going into as much detail with that.
    Last edited by Ciaran; 12th August 2009 at 11:52 AM. Reason: editing

  2. #2
    Registered User woops's Avatar
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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    ...

    That is all.

    ...
    ...
    ...

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    Pretty in Pearls AndrewM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    ^ I agree with the above post.

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    Actual Cannibal Shiay LaBeouf Shiay's Avatar
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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    I... uh... okay... .-.

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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    Quote Originally Posted by The Meme-er View Post
    ...

    That is all.

    ...
    ...
    ...
    Quote Originally Posted by AndrewM View Post
    ^ I agree with the above post.
    Quote Originally Posted by Shiay View Post
    I... uh... okay... .-.
    Can one of you actually make a sensible contribution instead of just trying to increase your post counts? This is my first fan fic, and if there is something you don't like I need to know. 3 empty posts, isn't going to help me improve or fix the problems.

    What are the problems, is it because it's gay? Is homophobia still alive and well? There is heterosexual stuff later on in the fanfic, chapter 2 to be precise. But I can't do anything if you don't tell me what I need to do.

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    Actual Cannibal Shiay LaBeouf Shiay's Avatar
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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    Alright... sure.... Too much dialogue, not enough action. Also, there's a new paragraph that should be formed when the speakers change. >> The writing overall is rather clunky and there's a lot of it that's just hard to make out. There's also no need to be repeating names in the same sentence structure if we, the readers, already know who's being described and talked about.

    Also... my personal outlook on some of the writing.... I can really hardly call any of those structures a fully fleshed out paragraph, as a paragraph is usually three to five sentences that expresses a complete thought. There's also some stuff with some run-on sentences in there... but who isn't guilty of making those from time to time?

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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    Ok so more action, and I need to improve the actual visible layout of writing. Thank you.

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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    *speechless* I'm...amazed. Really. You managed to have almost no description at all, save for the last part...and that annoys me (Note to all, this format is mostly seen in H-games).

    Your plot...seems to be the average trainer's first day, albeit from a different POV. Except the end, that's...I'm not going to touch it.

    The characters...Ash, Gary and Dawn seem OoC, but that's understandable, since they are adults and should be more matu- Oh wait, never mind, the end ruins it. As for Matthew and Natalie, I have to tell you one thing, just one thing. FOR GOD'S SAKES, TWINS OF DIFFERENT GENDERS CANNOT BE IDENTICAL! WHY IS THIS SUCH A COMMON MISUNDERSTANDING?!

    *sigh* Let's see...I'll give a 2, despite this fic having psychologically scarred me for life (says the guy who plays H-games all day.). Aand...that's about it.

    2/5
    Breakup:
    Description - 1/5
    Plot - 2/5
    Characters -3/5
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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    Nowhere did I say the were identical, they both look like a mixture of Ash and Dawn, but they still look different.

    Oh and, why does a gay storyline scar you? Isn't that a bit homophobic? If it was a guy and a girl would you give the same reaction. I'm trying to set up that Gary and Ash have been a couple for a while "Not again, we said we’d try and cut back how many times"

    In the next chapter he feels guilty about he did, and some other stuff happens which I won't reveal just yet, like what the flash from the camera was.

    Oh and thanks for the tip about adding description. Hopefully chapter 2 will be a lot better.

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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ciaranite View Post
    Oh and, why does a gay storyline scar you? Isn't that a bit homophobic? If it was a guy and a girl would you give the same reaction. I'm trying to set up that Gary and Ash have been a couple for a while "Not again, we said we’d try and cut back how many times"
    I know, I know, but having description sudden pop up in an almost descriptionless fiction, and it being adult content, now that's scary. Now, I'm not the type to succumb to peer pressure. I just follow what everyone else does so I can fit in and not get ridiculed.

    And...yes...even if it was a guy and a girl, that would pretty much scare me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ciaranity View Post
    Oh and thanks for the tip about adding description. Hopefully chapter 2 will be a lot better.
    Edit button. *points at bottom right corner of first post* Every author's postfic friend.
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    Pretty in Pearls AndrewM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ciaranite View Post
    Can one of you actually make a sensible contribution instead of just trying to increase your post counts? This is my first fan fic, and if there is something you don't like I need to know. 3 empty posts, isn't going to help me improve or fix the problems.

    What are the problems, is it because it's gay? Is homophobia still alive and well? There is heterosexual stuff later on in the fanfic, chapter 2 to be precise. But I can't do anything if you don't tell me what I need to do.
    I would be a total hypocrite if I was a homophobe, mmhmm.

    And yeah, description would help.

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    How is forever? Zephy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    You need description and less dialogue. Like, a lot more description. Also, Ash and Gary don't seem to have distinct personalities. To tell you the truth, the twins don't either. Wasn't a fan of the ending. It seemed too sudden. Plus, you failed to describe it at all. Also, the title should say "Overriding Passions (adult content)". Typos in the title are a major sour note.

    That is all. Sorry that that was harsh. I applaud you for actually posting a more adult fanfiction here. It's rare we get one I hope people post actually constructive comments instead of just posting idiocy because of the subject matter. All the best - Zephy

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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    Quote Originally Posted by Zephy Changes View Post
    You need description and less dialogue. Like, a lot more description. Also, Ash and Gary don't seem to have distinct personalities. To tell you the truth, the twins don't either. Wasn't a fan of the ending...

    That is all. Sorry that that was harsh. I applaud you for actually posting a more adult fanfiction here. It's rare we get one.
    You weren't harsh at all. You told me what I needed to know to improve my fanfiction. Thank you.

    Character development is not my strong point. Which is probably why the characters lack distinct personalities. Oh and I am working on the twins. And thank you for aplauding me.

  14. #14
    Imma chew on yo gibblies Blastoise's Avatar
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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    What are the problems, is it because it's gay? Is homophobia still alive and well?
    Quote Originally Posted by Ciaranite View Post
    Oh and, why does a gay storyline scar you? Isn't that a bit homophobic?
    The fact that you think we don't like your fic because we're homophobes and not because it's terrible, poorly-written dreck that happens to have SURPRISE PALLETSHIPPING at the end is adorable.

    There's no description. The characters have no personality. Without the random gay sex chapter ending there is approximately zero that separates your fic from every half-baked "child of Ash and (random canon girl here) goes to lab of Professor Tree and gets first Pokemon," with probably the only exception being that there are two trainers with the personality of a cardboard box instead of one and they didn't sleep in. Awesome. And that's just content wise: technically it's a total wash.

    According to your blog, you're 16. Please read some books to get a better idea of the craft of writing, and please don't write sex scenes if you're not old enough to rent a dirty movie (not that those are the pinnacle of cinema or sexual congress, but you know where I'm going with this).

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    Default Re: Over riding Passions. (Adult content)

    ^ A little harsh wouldn't you say, it's my first time. Of course, after that response you gave me, I'm sure your first fanfic, went on to be a best selling novel.

    It's my first time, and yes I need critisim, but I think you went a step to far.

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