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Thread: Origin: The Rising (Chapter 3 is up)

  1. #1
    Gustav Adolph>Bird Jesus Barfing Ogres's Avatar
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    Default Origin: The Rising (Chapter 3 is up)

    What's up internet, I'm fine thank you for asking!

    Well, its been three days and this thread did not go up nor did I see any notification that it had been made invisible or some magic like that similar to logarithms or some other bull crap like that, so if this thread does exist and I'm just a buffoon, delete this one.

    Anyway, this is my first not god awful fic and also the first one I will let see the light of the internet so there you have it. Some background information on it, this entire thing is based on a multi-crossover dream that I had, and I must say, I still haven't the slightest idea what I was smoking, but you never know. Tangent, sorry, but there you go.


    Here are some links for some other background info on the multiple universes:
    Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic - Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wiki
    Dark Sector - Dark Sector Wiki


    Now for the rating:

    Intense Violence
    Blood and Gore
    Strong Language
    Alcohol and Drug Reference
    Sexual Themes
    Poop Jokes


    Me: Shut up! Poop Jokes are still funny!

    Everyone Else: No they're not, that's crap!

    Me: -_-



    So, without further adieu, I present my first presentable fic:

    Origin: The Rising




    Here is the reformatted prologue as per popular demand:




    For those of you who are masochists, here is the original prologue:


    Hope you have enjoyed so far! More to come.
    Last edited by Barfing Ogres; 27th April 2014 at 04:20 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Origin: The Rising

    If you don't mind, I have some suggestions. But first, I will say that your writing is good. However, I think it would benefit from reformatting of the text. It's a bit hard to read when it's presented as large chunks of text.
    For me, it was also a bit difficult to follow the story because of the multi-universe nature of it.

    Are you going to include dialogue in future updates? I think dialogue might help the readers to become more familiar with this world, and I think it might also make it easier to bring this multi-universe world together.
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    Raging with Pokemon Me Gusta's Avatar
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    Default Re: Origin: The Rising

    It seems interesting, but It's hard to read, mainly since the text is a big chunk. A good Idea is to switch to a new paragraph when the subject changes. I had the same problem in my own fanfic, but I have corrected it, and it feels a lot clearer to me. A lot of text squished together makes it more of a strain to read.
    Metallica, A7X, Pokemon, rage comics, Creepypasta, and Family Guy Rock! But Mainly... 'Tallica! 'm'

  4. #4
    Gustav Adolph>Bird Jesus Barfing Ogres's Avatar
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    Default Re: Origin: The Rising

    Here are responses to your reviews:



    Chapter 1 will likely go up coinciding with the intro reformatting.
    You don't understand, Edgar is the one in the hole! - Ryan the Mad King of Achievement City Haywood
    Claims Braviary, the greatest bird in the universe. Also Bulk Up. But that's less 'Murican.

  5. #5
    Gustav Adolph>Bird Jesus Barfing Ogres's Avatar
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    Default Re: Origin: The Rising

    And in the left corner, we have a sub in a tub! Now with fanfare.
    Otherwise, enjoy the beginning of Origin: The Rising




    Part the First:

    Raid





    Hope you all enjoy, more to come!
    You don't understand, Edgar is the one in the hole! - Ryan the Mad King of Achievement City Haywood
    Claims Braviary, the greatest bird in the universe. Also Bulk Up. But that's less 'Murican.

  6. #6
    Future Mrs. Ketchum SerenaKetchum's Avatar
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    Default Re: Origin: The Rising

    Good and interesting premise for sure. The grammar and technical stuff is good as well, but spacing of paragraphs would be ideal. Start a new paragraph more often to give the readers eyes a chance to rest. The huge blocks of text can be a bit daunting. Also, perhaps work on the prose. A lot of the text is a bit matter-of-fact, although that can be a good thing.

    Overall, I enjoyed the story so far though. I think Tyber is intriguing.

  7. #7
    Gustav Adolph>Bird Jesus Barfing Ogres's Avatar
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    Default Re: Origin: The Rising (Chapter 2 is now up!)

    Hello again internet! I sincerely hope you all enjoy chapter 2 and also encourage you to read the authors note for amusing little trivia bits revolving around this piece of the fic.

    Author's Note:




    Hope you all enjoyed and see you some other time!
    Last edited by Barfing Ogres; 5th August 2014 at 10:32 PM.
    You don't understand, Edgar is the one in the hole! - Ryan the Mad King of Achievement City Haywood
    Claims Braviary, the greatest bird in the universe. Also Bulk Up. But that's less 'Murican.

  8. #8
    Gustav Adolph>Bird Jesus Barfing Ogres's Avatar
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    Default Re: Origin: The Rising

    Well its been a long time since I have posted last here. The fic is technically on Chapter 9 right now, but all that is going through editing hell before I'd even consider putting it here.

    Anyway, Chapter 3 is a short one but hopefully it will explain a bit more about the personalities of our criminal mastermind, his avian lieutenant, and formally introduce my twisted sense of humor.

    Props to anybody who can unveil my hidden jokes and obscure pop culture references.
    You don't understand, Edgar is the one in the hole! - Ryan the Mad King of Achievement City Haywood
    Claims Braviary, the greatest bird in the universe. Also Bulk Up. But that's less 'Murican.

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