The first chapter was a little rough, and at many times unclear. Right off the bat, I was wondering what was roaring in the first line. The second one, “The loud city exploded with calm excitement,” made absolutely no sense to me. How does something calmly explode? I was also unclear as to what exactly was happing in the first scene of the story. Is it supposed to be set in the present?
Your dialogue seems a little forced as well. Instead of “I’m a child and I’m a girl!”, why not something like “I’m just a little girl, and I’m exhausted!” While it kind of works for Drayden (and even then, he seems to say everything in one breath and say damn a lot), with the other characters it sounds unnatural and makes the exposition all the more noticeable. Also, you don’t need to say “Grrrr” or “Ahhhh” – you can just say that the person grunted, growled, or screamed. Same goes for the pokemon cries – the Soutland could have barked, or the Haxorus roared, but typing out “Stoou!” or “HAXXXXXORUSSS!” simply seems odd.
Finally, was the girl under the lamppost supposed to be Iris? I couldn’t tell if she was just an observer to the event or if she was the one who was supposed to be in danger.
I finally figured out that the italicized bits above the line divides are where the following scene is supposed to take place. I think those are a bit unnecessary – it should be clear from the descriptions where the scene is taking place. Your dialogue is still very rough. It sounds more like narration than actual dialogue, which makes the actions unclear at times. Other than that, no real issues with this chapter.
You seem to be writing this as more of a script than a traditional narrative, which makes this a little more difficult than it has to be. Vierra is a bit interesting, but I had a really hard time believing that she was any sort of threat to Drayden at the end of the chapter when she attacked him. Really, this story is seeming to be more about Drayden – his struggles to reckon with the changes Opelucid City is going through, and how he’ll have to learn to become more flexible with how he deals with crisis and change. Dialogue still needs a lot of work.
I felt like Vierra’s backstory could have been better interwoven with the actual narrative. At least have a proper flashback. As it stands, there is no way to tell initially that this is backstory isn’t part of the continuing story. Also, I didn’t quite understand why she’s working for Team Plasma now. Is it for money for her family? Either way, she’s kind of a bitch, which makes me sad because she uses my favorite type. Finally, I think this chapter was a little too long. It felt like you were trying to do a million things all at once, and as a result didn’t really do any of them justice. Fourth verse, same as the first with dialogue.
There were some good descriptions in this chapter. The gym battle between Iris and Carol was, I think, the best battle scene yet. However, the pacing of the entire chapter still felt choppy, and the whole thing could be a lot smoother. Overall, while there are a lot of grammar mistakes and the dialogue feels unnatural, I think that you’ve got a pretty good start on this story.