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Thread: Nick's epic journey

  1. #1
    Awesomest guy ALIVE Captain_Kaos's Avatar
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    Default Nick's epic journey

    This I admit is a journey fanfic but there are those people who like them so what the heck. This is my first fanfic or anything posted in the workshop, so offer feedback if you feel the need.

    This is a journey about a 15 year old boy named Nick setting out to adventure Sinnoh and see how much different it is from just living in a small town. The last name will come up later.

    Contents

    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3(coming soon)

    Chapter 1

    Last edited by Captain_Kaos; 23rd February 2013 at 01:19 AM. Reason: Cos I can
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  2. #2
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Nick's epic journey

    This is a journey about a 15 year old boy named Nick setting out to adventure Sinnoh. The last name will come up later.
    Just in general don't tell us this outside of the narrative, let us know in the story.



    okay, onto the story itself.
    Whilst there were some good things, your structure needs quite of bit of work. Remember that when a new person starts speaking, you need to start a new paragraph, for example, where you had:
    “Okay, now the choice is yours Nick” Rowan added almost like an afterthought, “I’ll pick, Chimchar” I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and I recalled him almost immediately, “now that you have chosen you can go now but go see your mum first, she has something for you” as I was walking out the door I heard Professor Rowan shout “Hey, you forgot to get a Pokédex” then I started to stroll down the hall way and pick it up.
    It should be laid out like:
    "Okay, now the choice is yours Nick" Rowan added almost like an afterthought.

    "I'll pick Chimchar" I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and i recalled him almost immediately.

    "Now that you have chosen you can go now but go to see your mum first, she has something for you."

    Your description could use more work, and there are also a few spelling errors around. I would recommend that rather than typing this straight into the forum box where you make a post, write it up on something like Microsoft Word where the spell check will take out most of the obvious ones, but watch out as it won't recognise the names of the pokémon either.

    The battle at the end against the Shinx should have been made a bit longer as it was the action at the end of the chapter or the "climax"

    rather than just squashing it all into one paragraph, spread it out, describe each attack if its such a short battle and go through a bit more on what the trainer (in this case Nick) is feeling, what he is thinking about when he calls out the commands to his Chimchar, rather than just saying it. You did it a bit at the beginning, but you could do with keeping it going throughout the fight.




    On the upside, you did a good job of not just saying what the pokémon were called, but also describing them. You could do with extending this description to the environments and the people, but you've got the basics there, just needs a bit more time put into it.



    Just spend a bit more time writing it, remember your grammar and paragraph rules, expand your description a bit and you'll be on your first steps!

  3. #3
    Awesomest guy ALIVE Captain_Kaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: Nick's epic journey

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    This is a journey about a 15 year old boy named Nick setting out to adventure Sinnoh. The last name will come up later.
    Just in general don't tell us this outside of the narrative, let us know in the story.



    okay, onto the story itself.
    Whilst there were some good things, your structure needs quite of bit of work. Remember that when a new person starts speaking, you need to start a new paragraph, for example, where you had:
    “Okay, now the choice is yours Nick” Rowan added almost like an afterthought, “I’ll pick, Chimchar” I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and I recalled him almost immediately, “now that you have chosen you can go now but go see your mum first, she has something for you” as I was walking out the door I heard Professor Rowan shout “Hey, you forgot to get a Pokédex” then I started to stroll down the hall way and pick it up.
    It should be laid out like:
    "Okay, now the choice is yours Nick" Rowan added almost like an afterthought.

    "I'll pick Chimchar" I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and i recalled him almost immediately.

    "Now that you have chosen you can go now but go to see your mum first, she has something for you."

    Your description could use more work, and there are also a few spelling errors around. I would recommend that rather than typing this straight into the forum box where you make a post, write it up on something like Microsoft Word where the spell check will take out most of the obvious ones, but watch out as it won't recognise the names of the pokémon either.

    The battle at the end against the Shinx should have been made a bit longer as it was the action at the end of the chapter or the "climax"

    rather than just squashing it all into one paragraph, spread it out, describe each attack if its such a short battle and go through a bit more on what the trainer (in this case Nick) is feeling, what he is thinking about when he calls out the commands to his Chimchar, rather than just saying it. You did it a bit at the beginning, but you could do with keeping it going throughout the fight.




    On the upside, you did a good job of not just saying what the pokémon were called, but also describing them. You could do with extending this description to the environments and the people, but you've got the basics there, just needs a bit more time put into it.



    Just spend a bit more time writing it, remember your grammar and paragraph rules, expand your description a bit and you'll be on your first steps!
    Thanks for the feed back just editing it now


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  4. #4
    Awesomest guy ALIVE Captain_Kaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: Nick's epic journey

    So a journey fic don’t get much notice oh well the show must go on
    Okay, this is the second and hopefully more awesome chapter, the last one was a little rushed but this should be good.
    Chapter 2
    Niji likes this.


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  5. #5
    Cute Combatant Niji's Avatar
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    Default Re: Nick's epic journey

    Nice! I'm looking forward to reading more!

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