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  1. #16
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by PokemonLotty View Post
    I like it a lot it's really good! ^__^ Is this the first theing you've written if so, you've done a very good job I can't wait for the next chapter! Nice work for your first story it attracted a lot of attention :D(much more than my story about Ash's father...) I really like it I can't wait to read more XD but, I have one question is Nick Ketchum like an alternate version of Ash or something because they have the same mom and stuff and I'm kinda confused not to be mean, I really do love the story just that part confused me XD Anyway keep writing ^__^ I give your story a 8.5/10

    To answer your questions, yes this is my first time writing, but I've had this idea for close to a year lol. Ash will appear later in the series, you'll just have to keep tuned & keep on reading... but rest assured, you all will see him. This will be a very, very long fic, but a good one, I have great, great ideas for it. And I know, I'm quite pleased at the results so far, since I'm a new member still :). Also, link me by PM, to your story, I'll gladly review it :).
    My fanfiction: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/my-pokemon-journey-98337/
    I have claimed Gold/Ethan!


  2. #17
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by PokemonLotty View Post
    I like it a lot it's really good! ^__^ Is this the first theing you've written if so, you've done a very good job I can't wait for the next chapter! Nice work for your first story it attracted a lot of attention :D(much more than my story about Ash's father...) I really like it I can't wait to read more XD but, I have one question is Nick Ketchum like an alternate version of Ash or something because they have the same mom and stuff and I'm kinda confused not to be mean, I really do love the story just that part confused me XD Anyway keep writing ^__^ I give your story a 8.5/10
    I see you've gotten a numerical rating, Nick.

    If you want me to give one too, just ask. I must warn you, though, I have a reputation for being merciless with marks.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  3. #18
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekürom View Post
    I see you've gotten a numerical rating, Nick.

    If you want me to give one too, just ask. I must warn you, though, I have a reputation for being merciless with marks.

    A bad review, is still a review, is it not? So whatever you dish out, I can take it, to help me become a better writer. If you've seen my reply to that member, I said this is my first fic, so yeah, first fic... I'm new, and only 2 chapters deep, I think I need a lot more chapters to go before I can claim anything, y'know?
    My fanfiction: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=98337
    I have claimed Gold/Ethan!


  4. #19
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekürom View Post
    I see you've gotten a numerical rating, Nick.

    If you want me to give one too, just ask. I must warn you, though, I have a reputation for being merciless with marks.

    A bad review, is still a review, is it not? So whatever you dish out, I can take it, to help me become a better writer. If you've seen my reply to that member, I said this is my first fic, so yeah, first fic... I'm new, and only 2 chapters deep, I think I need a lot more chapters to go before I can claim anything, y'know?
    My fanfiction: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=98337
    I have claimed Gold/Ethan!


  5. #20
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nick Ketchum View Post
    A bad review, is still a review, is it not? So whatever you dish out, I can take it, to help me become a better writer. If you've seen my reply to that member, I said this is my first fic, so yeah, first fic... I'm new, and only 2 chapters deep, I think I need a lot more chapters to go before I can claim anything, y'know?
    What I meant is, I can give you some numbers, or just keep reviewing normally. Whichever one you'd like.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  6. #21
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekürom View Post
    What I meant is, I can give you some numbers, or just keep reviewing normally. Whichever one you'd like.
    Either or dude, whatever your style is. But I would appreciate it, no matter how you review it.
    My fanfiction: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=98337
    I have claimed Gold/Ethan!


  7. #22
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    I'm enjoying this chapter alot more then the first, not that the first
    was bad or anything, it was just not as good as this chapter. I curse myself all the time because I can't write anything that isn't a poem (but I have the ideas, so it's frustraiting) Good work!

  8. #23
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by WingullStrike View Post
    I'm enjoying this chapter alot more then the first, not that the first
    was bad or anything, it was just not as good as this chapter. I curse myself all the time because I can't write anything that isn't a poem (but I have the ideas, so it's frustraiting) Good work!
    Haha, that sucks, this flows naturally for me. It's probably because I've had this idea in my head for a long time, everytime I zoned out, I thought about it, is that weird? Lol, and thanks, third chapter will be up sometime this weekend :).
    My fanfiction: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=98337
    I have claimed Gold/Ethan!


  9. #24
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nick Ketchum View Post
    Either or dude, whatever your style is. But I would appreciate it, no matter how you review it.
    Well, since you seem to be okay with it...

    Plot: 3/10

    Part of the plot rating is because it's incomplete. Also, whatever is there now seems to just be a transcription of the anime plot, plus Lyra inserted into there, the Ho-oh being replaced by a Rayquaza, and Ash being replaced with some sort of doppelgänger, Nick.

    Also, I think you're being a little too direct with telling us about what the plot is. Such as here:

    "You don't have to be so...." Lyra begins to call out to Silver, before Nick's hand comes across her face, signaling her to stop. "Silver!" Nick yells, Silver turns around to face him from the edge of town, leading to Route 30, "next time we battle, I'll be the one who walks away in victory!" Nick yells to his newest rival, Silver smiles as he walks away.
    Right away, Nick already knows that Silver is his rival? They only had one battle! No other contact whatsoever. It wouldn't be clear that they were rivals until later on, when they had their second battle.

    Meanwhile, you seem to be spending very little time on each event - Nick manages to catch his new Cyndaquil in all of six paragraphs. You'd expect something as important as that to warrant at least a slightly longer scene, if not its own chapter. The battle between Nick and Silver was an exception, of course.

    There is one small saving grace, however - you included the Fearow along with the Spearow, which makes a nice addition to the canon, because we'd expect there to be some sort of leader of the group to instigate (or at least perpetuate) the event.


    Characterizaton: 4/10

    In terms of personalities, you got Silver's pretty well - well, whatever you had of it anyway - all we got as a glimpse of Silver's character was him making Totodile use Bite even though it was already pretty much down for the count.

    Besides that, we also have Lyra's basic personality - a concern for all Pokémon. Also, Nick is the stereotypical Pokémon journeyman.

    Basically, you've got the basics down (somewhat), now you need to work on a few specifics.


    Grammar, style, and flow: 1/10

    It was just... really, really blocky.

    The first chapter still has the bolding problem (which could be fixed just by removing the [b] and [/b] tags from the beginning and end of the chapter).

    Also, you're not spacing out your dialogue correctly - each speaker should get his or her own line. You did fix this (somewhat, at least) by Chapter 2, though, so it's not that much of a problem.

    Not to mention all the spelling errors. Stuff like "barley" for "barely" (and "are" for "our"?) is still present.

    Next, let's talk about some of the stylistic issues, including punctuation.

    You're using "&" for "and", which, although still readable, is really bad practice. It's mainly used that way in titles, and can be really annoying to read when in text. Is there any specific reason why you're using the ampersand in place of the word "and"?

    Also, you seem to love using really long strings of punctuation marks at the end of an exclamation or a question, such as "!!!" or "?!?". The first one is never acceptable - just one exclamation mark is all you need. After that, it becomes very redundant. The second one is acceptable, but usually only when the question is being asked almost like an exclamation. (e.g. "They're all dead?!?" shouted the commander.) Even then, it's very dubious, and some people consider that unacceptable as well.

    There are bunches of other errors all over the place, but they only appear once. If I were to address every single one here, we'd be here for hours.

    Overall rating: 19/100

    I feel really bad about this T_T

    The numbers are very stoic and unemotional. I don't mean to say, using these numbers, that I hate this fic and that it should be destroyed - or to call you any names with them. It's just that... well, you have a lot you can improve on.

    In terms of plot and character, my main suggestion is not to follow the anime canon too closely. Otherwise, your story will try to stick to that formula, and start expressing things really directly like you are now, making the story no fun to read.

    A recommendation I have for the grammar is to get a beta reader, to check for all those pesky grammar errors. That way, when you see your corrections, you can tell what errors you have.

    Also, I hate to seem rude about it, but is English your first language? Some of the grammar errors you made looked like they could have been misconceptions from another language.
    Last edited by Zekurom; 19th February 2011 at 01:39 AM.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  10. #25
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekürom View Post
    Well, since you seem to be okay with it...

    Plot: 3/10

    Part of the plot rating is because it's incomplete. Also, whatever is there now seems to just be a transcription of the anime plot, plus Lyra inserted into there, the Ho-oh being replaced by a Rayquaza, and Ash being replaced with some sort of doppelgänger, Nick.

    Also, I think you're being a little too direct with telling us about what the plot is. Such as here:



    Right away, Nick already knows that Silver is his rival? They only had one battle! No other contact whatsoever. It wouldn't be clear that they were rivals until later on, when they had their second battle.

    Meanwhile, you seem to be spending very little time on each event - Nick manages to catch his new Cyndaquil in all of six paragraphs. You'd expect something as important as that to warrant at least a slightly longer scene, if not its own chapter. The battle between Nick and Silver was an exception, of course.

    There is one small saving grace, however - you included the Fearow along with the Spearow, which makes a nice addition to the canon, because we'd expect there to be some sort of leader of the group to instigate (or at least perpetuate) the event.


    Characterizaton: 4/10

    In terms of personalities, you got Silver's pretty well - well, whatever you had of it anyway - all we got as a glimpse of Silver's character was him making Totodile use Bite even though it was already pretty much down for the count.

    Besides that, we also have Lyra's basic personality - a concern for all Pokémon. Also, Nick is the stereotypical Pokémon journeyman.

    Basically, you've got the basics down (somewhat), now you need to work on a few specifics.


    Grammar, style, and flow: 1/10

    It was just... really, really blocky.

    The first chapter still has the bolding problem (which could be fixed just by removing the [b] and [/b] tags from the beginning and end of the chapter).

    Also, you're not spacing out your dialogue correctly - each speaker should get his or her own line. You did fix this (somewhat, at least) by Chapter 2, though, so it's not that much of a problem.

    Not to mention all the spelling errors. Stuff like "barley" for "barely" (and "are" for "our"?) is still present.

    Next, let's talk about some of the stylistic issues, including punctuation.

    You're using "&" for "and", which, although still readable, is really bad practice. It's mainly used that way in titles, and can be really annoying to read when in text. Is there any specific reason why you're using the ampersand in place of the word "and"?

    Also, you seem to love using really long strings of punctuation marks at the end of an exclamation or a question, such as "!!!" or "?!?". The first one is never acceptable - just one exclamation mark is all you need. After that, it becomes very redundant. The second one is acceptable, but usually only when the question is being asked almost like an exclamation. (e.g. "They're all dead?!?" shouted the commander.) Even then, it's very dubious, and some people consider that unacceptable as well.

    There are bunches of other errors all over the place, but they only appear once. If I were to address every single one here, we'd be here for hours.

    Overall rating: 19/100

    I feel really bad about this T_T

    The numbers are very stoic and unemotional. I don't mean to say, using these numbers, that I hate this fic and that it should be destroyed - or to call you any names with them. It's just that... well, you have a lot you can improve on.

    In terms of plot and character, my main suggestion is not to follow the anime canon too closely. Otherwise, your story will try to stick to that formula, and start expressing things really directly like you are now, making the story no fun to read.

    A recommendation I have for the grammar is to get a beta reader, to check for all those pesky grammar errors. That way, when you see your corrections, you can tell what errors you have.

    Also, I hate to seem rude about it, but is English your first language? Some of the grammar errors you made looked like they could have been misconceptions from another language.
    Yes, English is the only language I know. Those spelling errors, are just that, errors that I've missed. I am following anime cannon, plus some game cannon, and things I add on as the story progresses.
    My fanfiction: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=98337
    I have claimed Gold/Ethan!


  11. #26
    Happy 4th of July :3 PokemonLotty's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekürom View Post
    I see you've gotten a numerical rating, Nick.

    If you want me to give one too, just ask. I must warn you, though, I have a reputation for being merciless with marks.
    Could you review mine too please, I'd really appriciate it! Thank you ;D
    Please read and review my fanfic, The Very Best Like No One Ever Was:
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/my-first-fanfiction-pokemon-ashs-father-97505/

    Here's my fanfiction profile:
    http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2575363/pokemonfangirl4

    Patientlly awaiting the airing of TR vs. TP special...

    For the last time, BW is NOT a reboot.
    (Copy and paste this to your signature if you agree)

  12. #27
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nick Ketchum View Post
    Yes, English is the only language I know. Those spelling errors, are just that, errors that I've missed. I am following anime cannon, plus some game cannon, and things I add on as the story progresses.
    First order of business - "canon", not "cannon". Hope it helps
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  13. #28
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    This is Great! I hope you write more!
    My 3ds Friend Code is: 1805 2170 6566! Add me as a friend if you want! (My Pokemon White Friend Code is: 4684 8322 3480) Let's Battle!

  14. #29
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Chapter 3, Oak'd.



    Lyra is struggling to keep up to her friend, who is a good 15 feet ahead of her.

    "Hey dummy, how do you expect us to catch Pokemon, if we're all tired from running all over?" Lyra asks, running to keep up with Nick.

    Nick suddenly stops, and Lyra not realizing he has stopped in his tracks, collides with his back, sending her on the ground, and Nick falls to the ground as well.

    "Ow!" Lyra yells in exasperation, Nick sweat drops and helps her up.

    "Sorry about that, didn't know you'd bump into me like that, you should be more careful..." Nick tells his friend, and then sees Lyra's face contort in frustration.

    "I should be more careful?" Lyra yells, Nick shrugs his shoulders, "your the one who stopped out of nowhere!" Lyra yells, catching her breath.

    "Oh yeah, haha, my mistake." Nick says with a shrug, "hey, where are we anyway?" Nick questions, as the pair is seemingly lost.

    "Good question, let me get my Town Map my mom gave me..." Lyra answers Nick, taking her bag out, and fishing out a map from within the bag.

    "Well, it seems like we are in the middle of Route 30 already, so we're almost at Violet City!" Lyra says with a smile, "if we hurry, we should be there by tomorrow, if we don't get lost, or..." Lyra doesn't get the chance to finish, as Nick has already started running forward.

    "Well you said it yourself, lets hurry up and get to Violet City!" Nick yells, turning his head slightly to Lyra's direction.

    Lyra finally catches up to Nick, as they are walking at a steady pace, not running anymore it would seem. Suddenly, Nick's Pokegear rings, Nick flips the screen, to answer the call, as Professor Elm's face appears on the screen.

    "Hey Nick, hello Lyra, how are the two of you?" Professor Elm asks the two young trainers, wanting a progress report.

    "Good Professor!" Both trainers reply at the same time, "Nick caught a Cyndaquil, I still have the same Pokemon." Lyra answers for her friend, as Nick narrows his eyes at her.

    "Yeah, and we met a trainer named Silver." Nick replies, remembering the battle he had with the red haired trainer.

    "Ah, so Silver has caught up to the two of you already?" Professor Elm questions, as the trainers nod their heads. "Good to hear, he came to my lab just yesterday, a whole day after you two, I gave him my newly hatched Totodile." Professor Elm explains to the trainers.

    "Anyway kids, I called you to let you both know two things." Professor Elm begins to talk, "one is to visit Mr. Pokemon's house, he lives just a few minutes away from where you guys are, he has some visitors over, that I know the two of you would love to meet." The young trainers nod in anticipation, "the second thing is, CONTACT YOUR MOTHERS!" Professor Elm suddenly yelled, hurting the trainers' ears, "you both should contact your mothers regularly, to let them know how you are doing." Professor Elm says, as he hangs up on his end of the call.

    "Who do you think is at Mr. Pokemon's house?" Lyra questions her friend, standing on her tippy toes, in order to view the phone call.

    "Don't know, I don't even know who Mr. Pokemon is." Nick says with a laugh, Lyra falls down, with a sweat drop forming on her head.


    The two young trainers' finally reach Mr. Pokemon's house...

    "Well lets go!" They reply at the same time, knocking on the door. The door opens, revealing an older man, wearing a brown coat, black dress pants, brown shoes & a brown hat.

    "Ah so you must be Professor Elm's newest trainers, come in, come in!" Mr. Pokemon says, as he lets the two trainers in, as they look around his house.

    "We have visitors?" A unknown man that looks to be in his 50s comes out of the kitchen, with a young man, in his late teens beside him.

    "Yes Professor, this is Nick & Lyra, they're beginning trainers from New Bark Town... Professor Elm's newest trainers." Mr. Pokemon replies, as the two unknown men come in front of the trainers.

    "Hello, I'm Professor Oak from the Kanto Region, and this is my grandson Gary." The man now known as Professor Oak says with a wave to the trainers.

    "Hello Professor!" both trainers reply with excitement, "do you know Professor Elm?" Nick questions with interest.

    "Yes, he was once my pupil." Professor Oak replies, scratching his chin.

    "How about you, are you a trainer?" Lyra questions the teenager, known as Gary.

    Gary shrugs, looking away. Professor Oak walks over to Gary, putting a hand on his shoulder.

    "Yes he is, a very fine trainer at that." Professor Oak replies for Gary, praising his grandson.

    "Really, how about we battle then?" Nick replies, stepping forward to the trio.

    Gary looks at Nick with interest, and then shrugs his shoulders.

    "Look kid, to be blunt, you would just waste my time." Gary begins to say, "you're a new trainer, I've been a Pokemon trainer for seven years, you need to train a lot more before you can hope to battle me." Gary replies, closing his eyes.

    "So?" Nick replies brashly, "all it is is a practice battle, to see how I stack up against 'one of the best'. Nick replies, while mocking Gary.

    Gary smirks, walks over to Mr. Pokemon.

    "I like your style Nick, excuse me sir?" Gary says to Mr. Pokemon, getting Mr. Pokemon's attention.

    "Hmm?" Mr. Pokemon replies... "Is it alright if we battle outside of your house?" Gary questions, bowing his head in respect to Mr. Pokemon.

    Mr. Pokemon nods, as everyone steps outside.


    Professor Oak is in the middle of a large grassy plain, with Nick on the right side of the plain, and Gary on the left side.

    "How should we do this Gary?" Nick yells to his opponent.

    "Gramps, how's a 2 on 2 battle sound?" Gary yells to his grandfather, who is acting as the referee for this battle.

    Professor Oak nods, "this will be a 2 on 2 Pokemon Battle, the first trainer to knock both of his opponent's Pokemon out wins... trainers, select your Pokemon!" Professor Oak yells, waving his hands.

    Gary smirks, Nick smiles, "hold on a second, I'm gonna get my Pokemon!" Nick yells as he runs in the house, and comes out carrying Pikachu in his arms, fully rested from the past two days of adventure.

    "Hey Pikachu, you ready for a battle?" Nick asks his Pokemon in concern, "Pika-Chu!" Pikachu replies, jumping out of Nick's arms to the battle field.

    "Pikachu is my first choice!" Nick yells to his opponent, waiting anxiously for what type of Pokemon Gary will use.

    Gary shrugs his shoulders, "I choose you, Exeggutor!"

    A flash of white appears, as a Pokemon with three heads, that resembles a Coconut Tree appears on the battle field.

    Nick stares at the Pokemon, as he's never seen it before, Nick points his Pokedex at the Exeggutor.

    "Exeggutor, the Coconut Pokemon, It is called "The Walking Jungle." If a head grows too big, it falls off and becomes an Exeggcute." The electronic voice of Professor Elm details the information of Exeggutor, as Nick puts his Pokedex back in his jacket pocket.

    "Alright Pikachu, don't let it's size scare you, use Quick Attack!' Nick yells his command to his Pokemon, as Pikachu runs with speed, colliding with Exeggutor's stomach, knocking it back a few inches.

    Exeggutor's three heads smile, as Pikachu's attack barley did any damage... "Exeggutor use Barrage attack!" Gary yells his command to his Grass/Psychic type Pokemon, as Exeggutor's mouth opens, and eggs are shot out of it's mouth, hitting Pikachu three times in a row... sending Pikachu flying back.

    "Piii!" Pikachu yells in pain, "Pikachu can you get up?" Nick questions his starter Pokemon, as Pikachu nods, struggling to stand up, as it does, but then falls to the ground face first.

    "Pikachu is unable to battle!" Professor Oak yells, moving his hand in Nick's direction, and then to Gary's, "therefore Exeggutor is the winner." Professor Oak yells, putting his hands back down, watching Nick for his next move.

    Nick picks Pikachu up, cradling him in his arms, "Lyra, can you take care of Pikachu for a while?" Nick asks his friend, as he makes his way over to where she is standing.

    "Sure, do you think Cyndaquil can do it?" Lyra asks her friend in concern, as she doesn't want him to lose another battle, or for his Pokemon to get hurt.

    "I don't know, but we are gonna try." Nick says, taking Cyndaquil's Pokeball off of his belt, clutching it.

    Lyra nods her head, as Nick walks back over to the battlefield.

    "Cyndaquil, I choose you!" Nick yells, as he sends out his Fire Mouse Pokemon.

    "Cyndaa!" Cyndaquil replies happily, running around the field in excitement.

    "Alright Cyndaquil, lets see what we can do together, use Swift!" Nick commands his Pokemon, as Cyndaquil realizes what's going on, as it releases the flames on it's back, and fires a barrage of stars out of it's mouth, all hitting Exeggutor.

    Exeggutor barely feels this attack as well, as the Swift Attack dies down, Nick and Cyndaquil seem worried at the aftermath of their failed attack.

    "I told you you weren't ready kid, go Exeggutor, use Confusion!" Gary yells his command, as a purple beam comes out of Exeggutor's heads, and collides with Nick's Cyndaquil, knocking it back to Nick's feet.

    "Cyndaquil!" Nick yells, but before he can say another word, Cyndaquil jumps up on all four of it's legs.

    "Awesome! Alright Cyndaquil, use your Flame Wheel attack!" Nick yells his command, as Cyndaquil shoots fire out of it's body, engulfing itself in the flames, as it rolls like a ball hitting Exeggutor square in the head, actually knocking it down.

    Gary, Lyra, Mr. Pokemon & Professor Oak widen their eyes in shock, and Nick's Cyndaquil actually knocks the powerful Pokemon down, but their excitement dies down, as Exeggutor gets back to it's feet.

    "Not bad, you have potential." Gary tells Nick, making his first nice comment today, "Exeggutor use SolarBeam!" Gary yells out to his Pokemon, Exeggutor obeys as it opens it's mouth, as it leans it's head back towards the sun, gathering a bright light within it's mouth.

    "SolarBeam?" Nick replies in confusion, as he again points his Pokedex at Exeggutor.

    "SolarBeam, the most powerful Grass type attack, the Pokemon gathers the energy needed for the attack from the sun, and releases the attack it's next turn." The electronic voice of Professor Elm informs Nick about the powerful attack, and Nick grits his teeth.

    "Alright Cyndaquil, we got time, so use Flame Wheel again, and then follow it up with Quick Attack!" Nick yells, as Cyndaquil obeys, hitting Exeggutor with both attacks in succession.

    The attacks damage Exeggutor, but don't knock it down. Exeggutor and Gary smile as the attack is ready...

    "Release the beam now!" Gary yells, as the powerful, bright SolarBeam is released from Exeggutor's mouth hitting Cyndaquil, making it fly back into Nick's arms, fainted instantly.

    "Cyndaquil is unable to battle, therefore Nick from New Bark Town loses, and Gary Oak from Pallet Town is the winner!" Professor Oak yells, signaling the end of the battle.

    Both trainers return their Pokemon, as Nick frowns, walking back inside the house.

    Nick is sitting on a chair in the kitchen table, as Mr. Pokemon is healing up his fallen Pokemon, with his head in his hands....

    "That was an excellent battle my boy, you did well!" Professor Oak says, walking into the room, snapping Nick out of his dream world.

    "Thanks Professor, it was a good battle." Nick says as he turns to Gary, "I learned a lot from that battle, and I hope to battle you again someday." Nick says offering his hand to Gary.

    Gary takes the handshake, "looking forward to it." Gary replies smiling...

    "Well, I'm off to Goldenrod City, I got a radio show to get too!" Professor Oak replies, shaking everyone's hand, as does Gary, as they depart from the house.

    Nick and Lyra smile to each other, as they excuse themselves from Mr. Pokemon, walking out of the house for some fresh air, as they admire the sun set, sitting on the ground in front of the house...


    End of chapter 3! Please review, thanks everyone! Hope you all enjoyed it, sorry it took so long, it won't ever be that long again, hopefully.
    My fanfiction: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=98337
    I have claimed Gold/Ethan!


  15. #30
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Pokemon Journey.

    Well I'm glad to see more characters introduced (even if it still follows the anime a little TOO closly). You may want to be a bit more descriptive with your writing. Dialogue is a big part of writing a fanfic or story, but it isn't everything. I think being descriptive is the one thing you'll need to work on throughout the fiction. I don't blame you for taking this long to post a chapter for the fic, sometimes everything gets in the way. Overall, I like that the story is moving along nicely, but I feel that something needs to happen. Something...defining. Something that your story has that no other journey fic has.

    PS. While you were gone, i started a fic, ended it because it sucked. Then started two more.

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