TEEN: The Monster of Cinnabar Mansion - Rated PG13

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Thread: The Monster of Cinnabar Mansion - Rated PG13

  1. #1
    Crazed Writer Simon Alexander's Avatar
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    Default The Monster of Cinnabar Mansion - Rated PG13

    Summary: Kate has always loved the story of the Dratini Man, a pokemorph who stayed locked up in the old Cinnabar mansion and ate little kids. But when she starts to experience weird dreams and feelings, she finds that the creature of her fantasy may in fact exist.

    Hey kids. How is everyone tonight? So I bring you a couple of stories. They suck. I want to make them better. Help me do this. This is a weird story based off a dream that I wrote some time ago. It's really odd, but it's an interesting idea and I want it to be good.

    Help me do this. Be critical. Be brutal. Or just be helpful.

    Thank you for your time. And enjoy~

    -

    Prologue


    The storm seemed like it would never lighten up. The power had already been knocked out hours ago, and in the small pokemon centre, the back-up generators only provided power to the medical units. Fourteen-year-old Kate sat with several other people in the lobby by the fireplace, keeping warm under a big throw blanket that had been laying one of the couches.

    One of the people with her was her older cousin, Randy. He was sitting by her, holding his hands to the warmth of the dying fire. They had been traveling for almost a month when they had gotten stuck in this snow storm and had were entrapped in this lodge-like pokemon centre. The other people were trainers or hikers who also got caught up in the storm and were lucky to make it before the lodge was snowed in.

    Checking her pokegear, Kate saw that it was past midnight. But she wasn't sleepy. None of them were. The cold of the night wouldn't allow them to sleep. So they all huddled in the lobby, lit the fire, and were talking quietly amongst each other. Even Nurse Joy had joined them, wrapped in a knitted quilt of her own.

    "I'm dying of boredom and the cold," one boy complained.

    "So am I," another said. "Anyone got some ghost stories?"

    Randy looked up, a grin on his face. Oh, he certainly had one, Kate knew. He had told it to her on spooky nights when they were young kids, and it always interested her. Even now, after so many years of hearing the story, Kate was anxious to hear it again.

    "Anyone heard of the Legend of the Man-Eating Dratini Man?" Randy asked. Everyone in the lobby save Kate gave him funny looks. True, it wasn't the best title. In fact, it was a horrible title, the kind of title one would find in joke tabloids on newsstands.

    "That some kind of joke?" a girl asked irritably.

    "No," Randy answered, looking directly at her. "It's a true story."

    "Whatever!" the girl exclaimed. "Like there's a Dratini Man out there. What, he live in the ocean or some silly nonsense?"

    Randy sat forward, facing everyone. "No, he lives in the Cinnabar Mansion." He got more funny looks for his outrageous claims.

    "That place is just some abandoned old building," a younger boy answered.

    "Is it?" Randy asked. "Listen to my story and you may think different." Despite the seeming lack of disinterest in the group, some people leaned forward, ready to hear what Randy had to say.

    "It's said that a strange creature lives in the Cinnabar Mansion," Randy began. The room had quieted. Everyone was listening, even the skeptics. "This creature is claimed to be half man and half dratini, a remnant of the morphing experiments that had taken place in the lab on that island." That part was true, Kate knew. There had been a horrible project in the lab on Cinnabar. Many people were kidnapped and taken to the island to be forced to suffer the cruelty of those mad scientists. Many were morphed with pokemon, and most died. But there was always that rumor circulating that some had survived. "I've heard claims that he's so deformed, mirrors break in his presence. His mind has been so twisted that he now preys on people."

    "Why would he do that?" the young boy asked. "I thought dratini were nice."

    Randy smiled. "They are, far as I know," he said. "But this man's mind is so warped. He doesn't think like a person or a dratini. He just thinks with instinct. And that instinct is to eat."

    "So why doesn't he eat other pokemon?" the boy asked. He was completely taken in by Randy's story. Kate had asked these questions to Randy when he first told her the story, many years ago.

    "Who knows?" Randy said with a shrug. "Maybe he feels more of a kinship to pokemon. Maybe pokemon won't go anywhere near him." Then he grinned darkly. "Or maybe he just desires the taste of human flesh."

    The boy looked so scared. Kate put a hand on Randy's shoulder and whispered into his ear, "Easy on the details." Randy looked reluctant – he loved to be the centre of attention - but nodded and continued with his story.

    "He lives alone in that abandoned mansion. Some say it was the mansion of the scientist who created him. Others say it's the only place he can live unbothered by people who would want to kill him." He glanced at the other people. Some were not convinced, but seemed to be enjoying the story for exactly as it was – a story. Even Kate didn't really believe in the Man-Eating Dratini Man. Mostly.

    "So, let me get this straight," said the girl from before. "There's a dratini morph living in the abandoned mansion on Cinnabar who eats people. How does he get his food?" she asked. "Not like they sell it in grocery stores." Some other people snickered.

    "He doesn't go to a grocery store," Randy said a bit irritably, possibly irked that she was leaching a little bit of his attention. "He preys on the curious kids who wander into the place."

    "Then how come we never hear of a bunch of kids disappearing on Cinnabar?" the girl asked. "I mean, I'm sure he'd be eating a lot of kids, and a disappearance of that scale would make Kanto-wide news." Randy didn't say anything, not anticipating this question. "And if so many kids are disappearing," the girl went on, "then wouldn't the police have investigated and found him? A discovery of a disgusting creature like that would certainly be on the news."

    Randy looked visibly deflated. His cool story had just been shot down. But Kate had an idea. "It's all a conspiracy," she said, sitting forward. She didn't feel so cold anymore, so she slipped the blanket off her shoulders. All eyes were on her now, even Randy, who was genuinely surprised. Kate went on. "They all know about him. And they're covering it up."

    "Why would they do that?" the girl asked.

    "A creature like that would probably cause panic in the streets," Kate explained. "There'd be riots and mobs attacking the mansion, which has been marked as a historical landmark along with the old lab." Mentally, she thanked all the history books she had read on the subject.

    "How do they explain what happened to the kids to the parents?" the girl asked; she appeared to be enjoying Kate's part of the story more than the original material.

    "Accidents," Kate answered. "It is, after all, an old and decrepit mansion."

    "Wouldn't they just kill it if it was that horrible?" one boy who looked Randy's age, around sixteen, asked. "I mean, why let all those kids die if they could just kill it?"

    Kate looked at the boy in the eye. "Let's see you go find and kill him." She paused for effect, the way Randy had done whenever he told his story. "The Dratini Man has the strength of at least one pokemon, if not more. After all, who knows what exactly happened to him?" She looked away from the crowd into the smoldering coals of what was left of the fire. "Plus, that mansion is his home. He probably knows it like the back of his hand, if he still has them. Any hunters going in there wouldn't stand a chance."

    The room was silent. Kate could almost feel Randy's gaze on her. She wondered if he was mad for taking away his attention or glad she had saved his story. Maybe he was both.

    The young boy let out a great yawn, which traveled down the circle of people. Everyone, Kate included, was tired. Now warmed not only by fire but also by excitement, everyone was feeling their fatigue and was getting ready to head to bed. One by one, each person stood up, said goodnight and left for their rooms.

    Kate looked back at Randy. He wasn't looking at her anymore, but he had a smile on his face. So he was glad. Kate smiled and hugged her cousin. She'd do anything to save her favourite bed-time story, even come up with some farfetched conspiracy theory that could never be true.

  2. #2
    Writer Trouble's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Monster of Cinnabar Mansion - Rated PG13

    Wow. Good writing. Seriously, I loved this! I was thinking of Missingno, like I always do when I think of Cinnabar Island. I don't know why, but finding creatures in the game that aren't supposed to exist was always kinda scary to me. So this was perfect. Well-written, good job on the descriptive language!

    The only thing I would suggest for improvement is to leave out the last clause. Stop the sentence with "save her favourite bed-time story." Don't go any further.

    Brilliant story, really! :)

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    Crazed Writer Simon Alexander's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Monster of Cinnabar Mansion - Rated PG13

    Glad you enjoyed it ^_^ I do feel the prologue is the more well-written part of the story, but I'm glad this has gotten off to a strong start.

    And your right, that last clause should be taken out. Thanks! I'll do that in the revisions ^_^

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    Writer Trouble's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Monster of Cinnabar Mansion - Rated PG13

    If it's not too much to ask, perhaps we can build each other's fics. I respect your writing style, and I'd like you to weigh in on mine if that's alright. The link to my fic is in my sig. I'll keep reading yours and reviewing if you'd do the same for me!

    That said, I'll be out of town without a computer for about a week this week, but afterward, I'm mostly free.

  5. #5
    Crazed Writer Simon Alexander's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Monster of Cinnabar Mansion - Rated PG13

    Quote Originally Posted by Trouble View Post
    If it's not too much to ask, perhaps we can build each other's fics. I respect your writing style, and I'd like you to weigh in on mine if that's alright. The link to my fic is in my sig. I'll keep reading yours and reviewing if you'd do the same for me!

    That said, I'll be out of town without a computer for about a week this week, but afterward, I'm mostly free.
    I'm down for that ^_^ I'll take a look at your fic. I have tons of free time anyway

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