The Molten Gloom

Results 1 to 11 of 11

Thread: The Molten Gloom

  1. #1
    Paint it black OverlordRuby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Where idiots reign
    Posts
    779
    Blog Entries
    121
    Add OverlordRuby on Facebook
    Follow OverlordRuby on Tumblr

    Default The Molten Gloom

    Okay, this my first fanfiction. It will chronicle the early beginnings of Flannery, the fire-type gym leader from Hoenn. It also contains the backstory for several other gym leaders. The fanfic also may or may not contain minor language and barely any violence (mostly in the next couple chapters). Minor language is along the lines of 'friggin' and violence would be humans beating other humans up. And please, only CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. So here is the premiere of 'The Molten Gloom'. Enjoy...

    Chapter 1 : Failure

    BEEP BEEP BEEP!

    ‘Huh?’ Flannery fell on the hard wood floor in surprise. She wondered what on Earth was making that terrible sound. Looking around the room with bleary eyes, she remembered that she was back in her dorm room.

    Someone from next door yelled, ‘TURN THAT FRIGGIN’ THING OFF, YOU IDIOT!’

    ‘All right, dummy,’ Flannery muttered. Reaching over to the wall plug, she grabbed the alarm clock’s plug and yanked it out of the wall. The noise ceased.

    Flannery was back at The Institute of Pokemon and Collective Sciences, her boarding school, the location of some recent nightmares. This was the place that her parents had decided to send her for three years, so she could become ‘educated’. It didn’t seem like she’d fit their idea of ‘educated’ yet when she visited over the summer, so her schooling continued. Flannery wasn’t even sure what measured this educated-ness. She had been moved up a class twice last year, and was currently the youngest student in the fourth grade. On top of that, she had straight A’s. Most students couldn’t do that, considering all the work they were given.

    Flannery rubbed her head where she’d smashed it on the floor. She sighed, and began to get ready for school. Flannery did so unconsciously, and she was drawn back to her memories of the past summer…


    Flannery awoke to the smell of waffles, Swellow-egg omelets, and fresh air when she was at home. It always felt good to sleep a few extra hours every morning, after waking up so early at school. She could walk downstairs in her pajamas, and no-one care at all. In the mornings, Flannery usually talked with her grandfather - Mr. Moore – about his Pokemon Gym and strategies that he’d used. Mr. Moore was a quirky old man with grey – previously red – curly hair and a love of poetry.

    His son, Flannery’s father, was an entirely different person. They may have both had curly red hair, at one point, but her father was goal-oriented and often stern.

    Walking down to the first level of her family’s house, Flannery noticed that her father was eating mounds of waffles and forking giant bites of omelette into his mouth with relish. He saw her looking at him, and laughed.

    ‘You don’t have to look so surprise at the sight of me eating, Suni,’ he said jokingly. Flannery smiled. That was her father’s nickname for her real name, Asuna. At school she’d decided to use her middle name for the fun of it, and it had become the title most people called her by.

    Flannery sat down at the wooden table and took a few waffles and some omelette. She didn’t like thinking about the baby Swellows inside the cooked eggs, so she poured some salsa on it. As she was eating, Flannery noticed that her father was wearing hiking boots and travelling clothes. At the door was a backpack meant for camping.

    ‘Are you going somewhere, Dad?’ she asked.

    Her father smiled and sat up straighter. ‘I’m going to challenge the Elite Four.’ He said proudly. ‘If Grandpa wants to retire from the gym, than I’ll be able to become the new leader.’

    ‘Cool,’ Flannery said with her mouth full. She swallowed. ‘Does Mom know?’

    ‘Yep. I told her last night after she got home from the herb shop.’ He motioned upstairs. ‘She got home late, so she’s sleeping in.’

    Flannery’s father finished his breakfast and began to head toward the door.

    ‘You’re leaving already, Dad?’

    ‘Yep. Sorry, Suni. I know you’ve only been back a few days, but I really have to get going.’ He ruffled her hair. ‘Tell your mother I said “Bye!”’ He ran out the door with his backpack and jumped over the ridges to the main road.

    Flannery sighed. The last few days with her family had been wonderful. She hadn’t wanted to give it up so fast.

    The next few weeks passed quickly. Flannery started working at the Herb Shop and managed to get enough money for a state-of-the-art Dusk Ball and some other cool stuff. She let her Pokemon – Ponyta, Slugma, and Murkrow - outside of their Pokeballs all day. Flannery could tell that they absolutely loved it, after being kept inside during school.

    One day, two months after her father left, someone banged on their door in the middle of the night. Flannery opened the door cautiously, and immediately swung it open. Her father was outside, looking bedraggled and exhausted. Flannery brought him inside and sat him on the couch.

    ‘MOM! DAD’S BACK!’ she yelled. Her mother hurried downstairs in her bathrobe, and immediately started to make a pot of coffee.

    ‘Are you all right, Flynn?’ Flannery’s mother asked. ‘What happened?’

    ‘I didn’t win, Amy,’ he said. Flynn laid his on the coffee table and sobbed.

    The next day, her father came up to her room. He said that he’d seen her grades for her past year at the Institute, and she wasn’t good enough to graduate. Just like he had the day before, Flannery cried, and then went back to sleep…

    … Flannery looked at herself in the mirror. Waves of red hair fastened into a ponytail. Brown eyes looked mournfully back at her. She looked at her clothes. Threadbare jeans, black sneakers, and a dark blue t-shirt.

    ‘It’s decent, I guess.’ she muttered to herself. Flannery looked around her dorm room. It was pretty empty, just a bed, a desk, and her bureau. On the desk were three Poke balls containing her only real friends. She grabbed them and raced out the door to the mess hall.







    ====================

    So, there it is. The first chapter. I hoped you guys liked it. Also, I need to thank Twilight Princess for beta reading my story. THANK YOU!!!
    Last edited by OverlordRuby; 4th February 2011 at 07:08 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Saffron city
    Posts
    204
    Blog Entries
    10

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    interesting idea but I would have liked to have had more description of what happened when her father went to the elite four and maybe more on the dorm room
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  3. #3
    Paint it black OverlordRuby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Where idiots reign
    Posts
    779
    Blog Entries
    121
    Add OverlordRuby on Facebook
    Follow OverlordRuby on Tumblr

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    interesting idea but I would have liked to have had more description of what happened when her father went to the elite four and maybe more on the dorm room
    Thanks for reading my fanfic.

    For the first thing, I can only say that will come up soon. For the second item, the dorm room doesn't matter at all in the story. The last time it will be mentioned is in the next chapter. It really doesn't need any more explanation.

  4. #4
    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    102
    Blog Entries
    9

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    My corrections are in yellow, my comments in bold. Cool? -- Italics

    Chapter one:



    This is getting interesting, though it wasn't too long, unfortunately, and most of the details you put down were rather unnecessary. But I like how this is going and I'll continue to read and review. Your writing is quite good, at least in the grammar department, but I don't see much character.

    But you shouldn't actively look for a voice for your writing. You'll develop it as the story goes on, and I'll be happy to see it.

    Good job, and keep writing.

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
    Also, my fan fics, my episode recaps, and my reviewing badge.

  5. #5
    Paint it black OverlordRuby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Where idiots reign
    Posts
    779
    Blog Entries
    121
    Add OverlordRuby on Facebook
    Follow OverlordRuby on Tumblr

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    ^
    a. To the people who live in the pokemon world, their planet is earth. It's not like they live in our solar system, and they call our planet 'earth' and theirs is called something else.
    b. I don't know what magical princess is, and Asuna is just Flannery's japanese name.
    c. It can be whatever bird I want it to be. I simply imagined Swellow-egg omelettes first.
    d. I am well aware I spell omelette 'au Français'. I also spell metre, theatre, and litre like a Canadian or English person.
    e. Character's coming up in the next two chapters. I prefer to let a character's actions/words/thoughts in a situation describe them, rather than outright saying thing about their personality. It wouldn't be realistic to try the latter. After all, I don't believe people can just go and describe their personality correctly. For instance, I could say I'm a shy person. Someone else could say that I think I'm better than everyone else, as I don't talk to anyone, just as an example. Anyway, the said 'situation' is coming along in the next chapter.

    Thanks, though. I've changed the grammatical errors you noticed in the first post.
    Last edited by OverlordRuby; 3rd February 2011 at 09:24 AM.

  6. #6
    Paint it black OverlordRuby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Where idiots reign
    Posts
    779
    Blog Entries
    121
    Add OverlordRuby on Facebook
    Follow OverlordRuby on Tumblr

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    Oh. My. Gosh this is three weeks after the original post. My teachers (of which I have a copious amount) were being bitchy. Four projects (Cell Models out of cloth, poster of Mexico's influences, etc.), nearly five hours of homework, and lots of other stuff. The actual typing of this part took only an hour. Here's chapter two!

    Chapter 2 - Lies

    Flannery raced down two flights of stairs and shot past three classrooms to reach a door with a crudely-painted sign that announced “Mess Hall.” The poster was pretty good at describing the room where everyone ate: a large hallway full of tables with greasy Formica counters caked with dried cheese and sticky soda spills. There was a small buffet on one side of the room, filled with reasonably fresh food. The upper-classmen, who had eaten at this terrible facility for the longest sum of years, regarded the whole set up with great disdain. Of course, the school provided them with droves of adoring and ardent workers to clean all the mess hall’s surfaces for them. It just so happened that the school wasn’t aware that they supplied the individuals that cleaned the tables, and that the workers turned out to be the younger students. Flannery hated seeing the common image of giggly and nervous ten-year-olds scrubbing Formica for her classmates, trying to boost their social status on the first day at school.

    Flannery sat in usual spot near the windows after gathering a plate of slimy eggs, floppy bacon, and the only bagel she could find that lacked mold. As she ate, she glanced at the other students. Flannery knew most of them, but a good twenty to twenty-five were nameless to her. All her classmates stood around a grouping of three tables, chatting about their summer vacations. Most of the girls wore metallic-colored skirts, low tops, and enough make-up to paint a house. The guys had shirts emblazoned with bicycle or skateboard logos and hair that looked greasy from an overload of styling products. All of them had a whiny drone in their voices and said “like” far too many times than actually necessary. Since the first day of school, Flannery had always felt like a thin but impassable membrane separated her and the other students. They were just too impossibly different from her. So, for the first month at the Institute, she’d never tried to be social or pretend to like something they did. It didn’t take long for Flannery to win her solitude.

    As she looked over her classmates, Flannery realized she didn’t recognize one. It was a boy, maybe thirteen or fourteen, with blue -– obviously dyed –- hair and a tan. Everyone was talking and laughing with him like they’d known him forever. The boy himself was joking around with a half-dozen other guys like all of them had been best friends since they were little kids. Flannery didn’t think twice about the new kid. Fresh students came every year. She decided to focus her attention on digesting her unappetizing meal. It was such a change from what she’d been accustomed to over the break, but Flannery managed to swallow a few square inches of egg and a piece of bacon.

    About ten minutes later, the bell rang for first period. Students threw away their used plastic cutlery and raced to the door in a collective wave. Flannery sighed, gave up on consuming her stale bagel, and began to follow her classmates. She saw the new boy that she’d noticed earlier with his friends, lingering near the back of the crowd. Suddenly, the boy noticed her watching him and gave Flannery a small smile.

    She was surprised, to say the least. No-one in her grade ever smiled at her anymore, or gave the slightest inclination that she still existed. Why was this new kid being nice to her?
    __________

    Flannery walked into a large classroom filled with children a few years older than her and a teacher that was snoring on his desk. She headed towards the only open seat, one in the far back row. The blue-haired boy from before, strangely enough, was sitting directly in front of the vacant spot, like he knew that Flannery would have to sit there.

    He’s waiting for me, she thought. She sighed and decided to figure out why he was so persistent. After sitting herself down at the desk and plopping her books underneath it, Flannery got right to the point.

    ‘Why do you want to talk to me so badly?’ She said harshly.

    The kid appeared surprised by her icy tone, ‘Jeez, I just wanted to introduce myself,’ he said defensively. ‘I’m Brawly. And you’re Flannery, I think. I saw you in Lavaridge once.’

    ‘Really, when?’ she asked.

    ‘A few years ago. My brother came to challenge your town’s gym leader.’

    ‘That’s my grandpa.’

    ‘Oh, cool,’ said Brawly. ‘My brother was training for a while, so I hung around town for a few days. I saw you playing with your Pokémon once or twice.’

    ‘Funny, I should have remembered a kid with blue hair.’

    ‘Oh, it wasn’t dyed then.’ He fiddled with a lock of his hair, ‘Do you have any gym badges?’

    ‘Yeah. I beat Rustboro’s gym leader last year. I felt kinda bad about it, because his little daughter started crying after he lost. I also beat that Wattson guy over February break.’

    ‘Nice. I only have one.’ Brawly took a small case from his pocket. Inside was a badge that looked like a lifting weight. ‘A little while ago, I beat the Petalburg gym. It wasn’t so hard with Makuhita and Croagunk, my partners.’ He showed Flannery two Poké balls.

    ‘Cool.’ Flannery glanced at the front of the classroom. The elderly teacher was stretching and yawning. To Brawly she said, ‘Turn around. This guy gets angry if you’re loquacious when he’s sleeping.’

    ‘Really, how do you know?’

    ‘I had him last year,’ She said simply. Flannery struggled to keep her face from showing her embarrassment at being held back. Brawly noticed, and wisely left the topic alone.

    The teacher began to speak: ‘Welcome and whatever, you students. As you all know, obviously, this class is about the theory of Pokémon evolution and adaptations.’ The teacher looked round the room, and he frowned slightly when he caught sight of Flannery. ‘I’m surprised so many of you opted for this class. It’s terribly boring, after all.’ The old man began to recite basic information about the course as he had done for the previous forty years.

    At the end of class Flannery’s skin felt hot and prickly. She knew everything that he had spoken about like the back of her hand. There was no need for her to redo the class. She grabbed her books from under her desk and began to walk towards the door with the other students.

    ‘’Miss Moore? One word, if you don’t mind.’

    Flannery turned to see the elderly teacher beckon to her. She trudged over to his desk.

    ‘No offense meant Miss Moore, but you--’ he pointed an accusing finger at her, ’--aren’t supposed to be here. Excellent grades, you know, and possibly the best student in a decade. Why did you choose to stay?’ The man looked intently at her, waiting for her response.

    Flannery wasn’t sure what to say. Just a few weeks ago she’d been told that her grades were inferior, even appalling. ‘I-I don’t know, sir.’

    This almost seemed to amuse the old man. ‘I know for a fact that you report card was faultless, and that nothing was switched around.’ He continued to speak, but it sound more like a private deliberation he was having with himself. ‘Can’t be the mother, she’d be sound proud. Hmmm… maybe the father? Exceptionally paranoid, and far too prone to jealousy.’ The old man fixed his eyes on Flannery. ‘Possibly a hallucinogen overdose? Alcohol? Anyway, Miss Moore, you’ll need a late pass.’ He scribbled a quick note and handed it to her. ‘Enjoy yourself.’

    Flannery left the classroom feeling stunned. Why would her father lie to her? And about grades, too. It was so silly that she almost laughed out loud. Instead, Flannery kicked a stray pencil that was lying on the ground. This whole entire thing was incredibly stupid.

    She fished an oval-shaped device out of her pocket. It was a Pokénav, a gift from her parents. Flannery booted it up and selected ‘Match Call’ and phoned her house.

    ‘Hello? Mom?’ she said.

    ‘Oh, Flannery! Hello, dear. How’s school?’

    ‘I’m not calling about school.’ Flannery said dryly, ‘I need to ask you something.’

    ‘What, dear?’

    ‘Why am I still here, at school? I just talked to one of my teachers, and he says my grades were perfect. There’s no reason for me to stay.’

    ‘Dear, I can’t answer that. It was your father’s decision.’ Her mother paused, ‘I’ll have to go in a minute. Some odd people in black uniforms are visiting the house. One of them has the strangest beard and talks far too loud. He said he’s called Archie or Arthur, something like that. The Archie man is good friends with your father, apparently. I’ll talk to you later, sweetie!’ The line went dead.

    Flannery sighed. Her mother wasn’t going to be helpful at figuring out what happened. Maybe her father had eaten something funny and gone temporarily insane. She looked at the nearest clock and realized that she was nearly fifteen minutes late. Flannery started running.

    XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

    Chapter three will be along this weekend or next week.

  7. #7
    Tiddly Pom~ Okamidna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Deep in the Hundred Acre Wood~
    Posts
    1,054
    Add Okamidna on Facebook
    Follow Okamidna on Tumblr

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    wonder if her papa is part of aqua/magma-dan
    cant say more than what i did previously. i like the tension with her dad and i really want to know what happens next.
    also wanting flanneryXbrawly
    though im ashamed to say i lack knoledge of hoenn. the only cities i know are petalburgh and sootopolis....:P

  8. #8
    Get the cool shoeshine! Glitchitar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Malay....sia
    Posts
    429
    Blog Entries
    26

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    I have an idea about that..... Since Flannery was set out as a fire-type gym leader.....

  9. #9
    Paint it black OverlordRuby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Where idiots reign
    Posts
    779
    Blog Entries
    121
    Add OverlordRuby on Facebook
    Follow OverlordRuby on Tumblr

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    ^ That didn't make too much sense.

  10. #10
    Get the cool shoeshine! Glitchitar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Malay....sia
    Posts
    429
    Blog Entries
    26

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    The ..... meant Team (insert water pun here).

  11. #11
    Paint it black OverlordRuby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Where idiots reign
    Posts
    779
    Blog Entries
    121
    Add OverlordRuby on Facebook
    Follow OverlordRuby on Tumblr

    Default Re: The Molten Gloom

    Still doesn't make sense, MusicNFics. Whatever, here's part ONE of chapter three.

    Chapter 3 -

    Flannery finally collapsed into bed. Her alarm clock read 11:09. She had been working since 7:00 on tedious assignments and her head felt like it might implode. At least homework didn’t take five hours, like it had when she was genuinely learning, Flannery thought. Minus the studying, today as a whole went well. She had talked with Brawly before each class about all manners of battling, various strategies and what Pokémon they worked well against, and the Gym Leaders of each town. It made Flannery feel good, having someone else that shared her interests. Everyone else in this school probably would never compete in a Gym battle or even use Pokémon to fight at all. Their Pokémon were just for show.

    Flannery stared at the ceiling, wishing that she could rest. It was impossible. Her mind was searching for reasonable excuses for her father to lie about grades and keep her in school. She refused to believe her teacher’s theories. It was laughable; a 38 year-old man jealous of her. But Flannery couldn’t form any alternate reasons. Her head was pulsating so hard that it was hard to think.

    With a jolt, Flannery realized the thudding wasn’t only inside her skull. She could hear doors opening and people quietly walking around, but not quiet enough to escape detection. Students were always meeting in each other’s rooms and walking to the bathrooms, but never this many. Flannery guessed that maybe eight people were outside, all whispering conspiratorially. It didn’t bother her too much. They were probably planning to raid a teacher’s office and release some Skuntank gas. But then her door opened slowly and she could hear people -- all girls, judging by the voices -- saunter inside.

    ‘-- is what she --. She thinks he likes --.’ They said.

    ‘What do you want?’ Flannery asked, raising her head off the pillow. Just at that moment something metallic and heavy hit her face. She gave a short yelp.

    Then the half-dozen girls seized her. A few of them hit her with steel combination locks. One went with the direct approach and gave Flannery a solid punch in the mouth. Others pulled her hair and hit her arms. Between blows Flannery could recognize all of the girls as the ones Brawly was hanging out with at breakfast. They think I stole their man, she thought. They would get all riled up by something like that. She had to stifle a laugh. Then Flannery promptly kicked one in the face. The girl screamed and fell to the floor. She then scratched another girl across her cheek, causing her screech. Even with two girls out for the count, so to speak, Flannery couldn’t hold her own against the six other assailants. She looked around wildly and saw her three Poké balls on her bedside table. Desperately, Flannery whacked a girls aside, reached over, and released one her Pokémon at random.

    ‘Croooow!’ Murkrow cried. He looked around blearily and released a shadowy orb at the girls to protect Flannery. All of them wailed and raced out the door.

    Flannery stumbled around her room, gathering random articles of clothing and stuffing them into a backpack. She finally tore a sheet off her bed and brought that, too. After attacking the girls with a Pokémon she knew expulsion would be next, or even prison. Flannery’s injuries were throbbing and her eyes were loosing focus. She staggered out of the room clutching her bag and Poké balls, lurching over to the nearest bathroom. Once inside, she stuck her head under the faucet and let the water pour on top of her. Flannery dried off her face with paper towels and raced out the bathroom, feeling slightly more conscious. Murkrow flapped along beside her, wailing down the hallway.

    ‘Please, please, please shut up.’ She whispered to her Pokémon. Murkrow went silent. ‘I’m sorry. They just can’t know that we’re here.’

    Flannery rounded the corner, almost at the door, and collided with someone.
    __________________

    I'll leave it there to be suspenseful. The rest of the chapter will be in another post after it's done.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •