Midnight; She was the only one they ever feared (PG 13)(pokemon)

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Thread: Midnight; She was the only one they ever feared (PG 13)(pokemon)

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    Default Midnight; She was the only one they ever feared (PG 13)(pokemon)

    Produloge


    “Miss Eve, Miss Eve!” A sudden voice awoke a lump in a dark blue room. The lump lay in a soft, hand made mattress. To the left of the bed was a mirror, and the right was a black door. Across from the bed was a large balcony. If you were to stand out the balcony, you would be able to see the castle that the lump lived in. The lump sat up, revealing a girl. At that moment the door burst open as a girl ran inside.

    “Miss Eve,” She panted, holding her knee’s, “ Your father has died. An assassin killed him. The war has started,” Eve stood up as her long black hair feel onto the glass floor. Her white gown flew behind her as she swiftly left the room, only pausing at the door.

    “Thank you Addi. I need you to take me to the lab. Now,” Eve said. Addi ran to Eve’s side, guiding her to large hallway. Eve followed. They crept down three staircases. Addi stopped after the third one, making a gesture to a large white door. She bowed low, her head touching her feet. Eve nodded to her, grasping the pure gold handle.

    Five white tables were propped up in some sort of laboratory. On the tables were thousands of red and white spheres. A large machine stood in the left hand corner, which was connected to two small cages. Eve stood taller, smiling brightly.

    “Grab five pokeballs and a backpack. It’s time to go,” Eve pointed to the right hand corner, where five colored backpacks hung on dark, rusty nails. Eve grabbed a ball from each table, and a black backpack. Addi did the same, only grabbing a bright red bag.

    “Yes Miss Eve,” Addi said, facing Eve. Eve frowned.

    “No. You will call me Midnight. Forget the Miss Eve. And you are Dawn. You will leave me now. Do not come back,” Midnight turned to the door, leaving Dawn alone. She ran up the stairs, out a red door, and into a small garden. There, many different flowers and trees grew. Midnight sniffed a yellow rose, throwing it onto a wooden bench. She took a hairpin out of her hair, locking the door.

    “Soon, everyone will understand my hate. But now, I need to train,” Midnight muttered under her breath. She threw a pokeball above her head. A small Espeon appeared, rubbing her tail against Midnights legs.


    Chapter 1

    In a small shop in Verdian City, everything was silent. Too silent for one girl, and so…

    An old man was slowly cleaning a diamond in Daddy’s Jewels Shop. A black haired, white skinned girl walked in the store. The man stiffened his back. He knew of this girl, she was legendary. No one could get in her way. This girl was an assassin, except she didn’t work for anyone. She killed on her own. She struck for revenge.

    “Midnight. That’s the name. But you already know me don’t you. Have a fun time dieing Lord George,” Midnight’s voice brought the man terror. He looked at her, than shut his eyes, thinking of the past. He remember paying at cristmas with a small girl, always joyful, and her father, full of love for his daughter. He also thought about summer. He would visit the family once a week, eating dinner, making corny jokes, watching the girl play with her barbie dolls. But he hadn't seen their family for a couple of years.

    “Eve? Is it really you?” Lord George asked, opening his eyes again.

    “No. Its Midnight,” She stamped her foot on the ground. Lord George jumped.

    “Say good bye.” Midnight took a mini pokeball out of her hair, tossing it onto the tile floor. Clink. A purple cat like creature with a red gem in between its eyes was released from the ball. It's eyes gimmered, staring at Lord George. Midnight pulled a long sword out of her white sash around her waist. She put her right foot behind her left, holding her sword in front of her face.

    Lord George gasped at her, dropping the diamond. It split in two, both rolling in different directions. He pulled out a small dagger from his sock. He held it up to his face. Lord George dropped his left foot back, looking into Midnights eyes.

    "Eve. I hate to do this. But as long you are being stupid, I'll do what I must," Lord George swung his dagger at Midnight's left arm. She blocked his attack, swinging at his right leg. His dagger tried to block her, but failed. Lord George's leg began to bleed. Badly.

    "What do you mean stupid?" Midnight asked, her eyes gleaming with excitment, "You were the one stupid anough to attack." She brought down her sword on his right arm. The dagger fell to the floor making a loud clank. Lord George cried out in pain. He held his right arm carefully. By now, his entire arm was covered with dark red blood. Midnight looked at him intently.

    "Think you can kill me do you Eve?" He asked, his voice bringing pain to the girl, "Thats right. Who could, living with such a soft hearted father. Forget him Eve. Remember the future. Dont strike." Midnight gasped, glaring at Lord George.

    "How could you?" Midnight asked, her voice rising, " How could you say such a thing about my dear father! You are a disgrace! You here me? A DISGRACE!" Lord George tried to stand up, only falling on the floor again. Midnight shuttered, rasing her sword above her head. She swung down, killing Lord George. His head split in half, blood gushing everywhere.

    "Now you know. Don't mess with me. You don't know who you're dealing with," She said coldly, picking up the diamond. Her Espeon reappear out of the light, following her master.

    Chapter 2

    Midnight stood on the outskirts of a large town. Many people passed by her, not even glancing back. Fools, Midnight thought, growling slightly, Soon… these people will always look back, fearing me. They shall perish!
    She walked up a lady with a pink pokemon running around her legs, getting faster each time. It stopped, stiffing Midnight. The lady picked the skitty up, rubbing its ears softly.
    “Hello. Would you possibly know where Lord… Zelk lives?” Midnight asked politely. The skitty yapped loudly, startling Midnight.
    “Yes, of course I do,” The lady said proudly, smacking the Skitty’s face, “Shush! Ah… oh, yes. He lives down the road, next to the Multras forest.” As the lady pointed East, Midnight ran down the street, dodging people of all sizes.

    ***

    Midnight sat on a large brown tree stump. Here she was, the Multras Forest. I hope Max hurries up, She thought, sighing loudly.
    “Eev!” Shreaked a bush next to Midnight. She looked up, facing the moving leaves. A boy stepped out, blonde hair coming first, then soft purple eyes. He wore black, all black. A leather jacket was in his hands. Denim jeans were ripped, and torn apart. The boy’s tee-shirt was black. A couple of leaves fell out of his hair.
    “Max,” Midnight whispered. A small Eevee popped out after Max, it’s tail standing strait up. It walked over to Max, striking a pose.
    “Ev-“ Max paused, Midnight holding her finger to her lips.
    “No,” Midnight said, “I’m known as Midnight. You look like a… Shadow.” Shadow looked at her silently. She gazed into his eyes. Their eyes began to glow, both of them rising into the air. A cool breeze picked up, bringing a mist along with it. Midnight and Shadow disappeared into the fog. The eevee barked, pouncing on the mist, only to fall right through. When the mist had disappeared, the two children were looking at each other with understanding. Shadows jacket was gone. In its place, was a backpack. It too, was made of leather. This one was different from normal backbacks though. It stead of a zipper, it had laces. It was very old fashon, bu the design was as ours today.
    “Are you ready?” Shadow asked Midnight, looking at his watch. The didgits were bright, making a small light for the two. Midnight started to walk, only stopping a minute later.
    “As ready as possible,” Midnight said, gentally kissing Shadow on the cheek

    Here's my plot:

    Her mom died when she was 4. Her dad sent her brother (shadow) to a boarding school near the moltras forest. It broke her heart. And now, her father is dead (Killed by Dawn, more about that at the end), she wants to go back in time, and make sure is doesn't happen. In order to do that, she must first get 3 crystal from her fathers friends. (the crystal keepers) She has killed one. (she took the gem) When she finally goes back in time, she finds Dawn killing her father. Her heart blows up (not telling why!) and SHadow and her become one. They become Mewthree. Hee.. Thats the plot so far

    Please... Lectures are wanted! (I need them)

    Thats my story so far
    Last edited by Lisa; 12th July 2005 at 04:22 PM.

  2. #2
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    That's one doozy of a plot you got there.

    Here's some critiques:

    Why does she pause to sniff a rose in the garden if she's trying to leave as soon as possible?

    You use plural when you should be using posessive. For instance, "rubbing her tail against Midnights legs" should be "Midnight's".

    You capitalize when it's unnecessary, especially after quotes.

    And what's the name of the forest? In the story you say "multras" and in the notes you say "moltras" (in either case it should be capitalized). And is it supposed to be "Moltres"?

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    Cheers to the Freeze Luna Tiger's Avatar Bulbapedia Staff
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    I'll be dead honest. Don't alter the color of the text. Like, ever. I can't read past the second paragraph before my eyes are exploding from strain.

    Two pointers.

    At that moment the door burst open as a girl ran inside.

    Because you had your so-called lump reveal itself as a girl, this sentence would better read as:

    At that moment, the door burst open as another girl ran inside.

    This helps the reader recognize that there are now two girls in the room, and doesn't make professional readers weep.

    "Miss Eve," She panted, holding her knee's, " Your father has died. An assassin killed him. The war has started," Eve stood up as her long black hair feel onto the glass floor.

    This paragraph, and the few lines following it, should be written as follows:

    "Miss Eve," she panted, holding her knees. "Your father has died. An assassin killed him. The war has started."

    Eve stood up as her long black hair fell onto the glass floor. Her white gown flew behind her as she swiftly left the room, only pausing at the door. "Thank you Addi," she said. "I need you to take me to the lab. Now."


    Then continue the rest of the paragraph as a new paragraph. This helps keep Eve's actions and words contained, as well as Addi's. In fact, to add a touch of urgency, replace 'died.' with 'died!' and leave the rest as is. Because if she's panting, that means she ran, and if she ran, this is important, which will leave a note in Addi's voice. Making it all periods makes it dull and liveless, completely contradicting the panting.

    And nix the color change. You aren't doing readers a favor adding colors to the text.
    Last edited by Luna Tiger; 1st July 2005 at 12:12 AM.
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    Okay, I changed the color. Sorry about that. *blushes* I get kind of carried away..

    Well anyway, I'm sorry about spelling Moltres Forest. I'm like, a really bad speller. And, I'm simply horrible at spelling. So sue me! And yes, this is only my third story, the only one I have posted yet. Sorry again.

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    Java Girl Barb's Avatar Retired Staff
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    Don't apologize for writing, but if you realize that your fic needs improvement, then make those improvements before you post. There is a grammar and spellcheck program built into Windows; run that after you write anything.

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    I like this story so far! Please keep writing!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisa
    Okay, I changed the color. Sorry about that. *blushes* I get kind of carried away..

    Well anyway, I'm sorry about spelling Moltres Forest. I'm like, a really bad speller. And, I'm simply horrible at spelling. So sue me! And yes, this is only my third story, the only one I have posted yet. Sorry again.
    You know, saying things like "so sue me" about being bad at spelling isn't really something nice to say about yourself. Remember you write so that others can read your story and like it. The only way that is possible is to have it be the best it can be, or close enough. I'm the master of typos myself, and I often don't correct them. I catch them after I post my stories and it embarasses me to no end. You shouldn't be this non chalant about being a bad speller. If you are going to post stories online or hell just give it to someone else to read, try to improve on it first...BEFORE posting it. I cannot stress this enough. You never post a first draft of anything for someone to read. It's always got to be worked on a bit.
    " Jesus Christ -The Lord and Saviour of the Christian faith. Also a big fan of FPS and Fighting Games. He enjoys shooting people in online games when they are talking, and "throwing up the horns" when he wins. Also known for his legendary skill in Mario Kart: Double Dash - for his ability to "bring those blue sparks" (qtd from Wikipedia).

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