MATURE: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor (3rd character is up!)

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Thread: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor (3rd character is up!)

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    Registered User DrumBeats's Avatar
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    Default May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor (3rd character is up!)

    Hey, I'm creating a multiple view story of the 56th Hunger Games. This story will follow eight tributes' trials in the Games as well as with their own internal conflict. This is mature due to the intense violence that will occur when the Games begin. Feel free to comment and criticize and I hope everyone likes it.

    Index:

    Vizair Tozin
    Prologue: Snake in the Grass
    -
    -

    Ariana Vix
    Prologue: Caught in the Net
    -
    -

    Kaiser Ansan
    -
    -
    -

    Erika Black
    Prologue: Unseen Trouble
    -
    -

    Mark Khan
    -
    -
    -

    Clay Amoren
    -
    -
    -

    Marty Wolf
    -
    -
    -
    Last edited by DrumBeats; 14th April 2013 at 09:23 PM.
    My multiple point of view Hunger Games Story

    Winner of MLP Mafia, Simpsons Mafia, War Room Mafia 2, Pokemon Mafia: Kodomo Ne, Companions Quartet Mafia, LOST Mafia, Hunger Games Mafia, and Pokemon Ranger: Guardian Signs Mafia, Havendale 2 Mafia, Twilight Mafia, Supernatural Mafia, Magic of Gardonia Mafia, and Disgaea Mafia.

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    Registered User DrumBeats's Avatar
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    Default Re: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

    Vizair Tozin
    Prologue: Snake in the Grass


    Reaping day. I shudder as I climb out of bed, restless from the little sleep I got. Even days such as this, I still had to work long nights. When else could I kill undetected? I wouldnt call it murder, just fulfilling a dying wish. It wasnt wrong, they asked for it. Soon, my parents would wake up to see another patient dead from their sickness, or that was at least what they thought.

    You see, my parents own a clinic in the district. No matter how bad the illness is, they refuse to end the patient's misery, even when the helpless patient begs them to. I guess it's not their fault. They just want to help them, but when the Capitol won't even lift a finger to help medicine is hard to come by.

    Lately, I have grown a bit reckless though. When I gather the poisons, I've been detected a few times. Thankfully, nobody has turned me in yet, but who knows how much longer that'll last. As the security in District Six increases, the Capitol will eventually find out one way or another and deliver the worst punishment they can find. After all, murder is generally frowned upon, whether justified or not.

    I can't just let the patients suffer though. It could take weeks for the diseases to naturally kill them. Weeks of pain and suffering, just to end it the same way. Death. My way was much simpler. I just create a poison and then pour it in the patient's water or inject it into their vein. Maybe if I could afford Capitol quality medicine, they could actually live, but now the best I could offer was a quick and painless death.

    I finish getting ready and take a look in the mirror. The sickly looking boy staring back at me probably wouldn't stand a chance in the arena right? Wrong. I may be scrawny, but I have something most others don't. I'm clever and resourceful, which can be much more dangerous than strength.

    I smirked as I walked out the door. This year would be the same as any other. Everyone would stand there in terror, afraid their name would be drawn. Then I could sit back and watch two people I don't even know leave to die on public television. I wonder how far I could make it. I probably wouldn't make it through the bloodbath alive. But if I could run away quick enough, there's a small chance I could win it. All it would take is a few poisonous plants and game over for everyone else.

    As I approach the square, there were all the standard procedures to make sure everyone was present. I found the group of sixteen-year-old guys quickly and made my way in that direction. Looking at how many other guys there were, I felt confident that I wouldn't be reaped but anything could happen.

    "It's time, to send two of our own children to the Capitol to compete in the Hunger Games. Let's start the Reaping!"

    I rolled my eyes at the man. He acted as if it were an honor or something. "Ladies first," the man began, "Delsie Turnes" Like I said, someone I don't know or care about was the first to be reaped. It was like I was psychic or something. As the man reached his hand into the male ball, I calculated my chances once more.

    The man spoke once more, "Vizair Tozin!" See, like I said another- wait... Shit, really? Well I guess I have a better shot than most people here. Plus, if I do win, we can have real medicine here, not just small herbal remedies, or in my case deadly concoctions. The chances are slim, but I could actually save them. I stepped forward and glanced over at the girl. She was shaking, on the verge of a breakdown. Poor girl, she wasn't going to last.

    I felt the man grasp as he raised Delsie and I's arms. "Here are your tributes for the 56th Hunger Games!" My green eyes stare anxiously into the crowd, looking at the faces I may never see again.

    Within minutes, I'm dragged into a holding room where my final goodbyes take place. The first to visit were my parents. My mom was hysterical with tears. She couldn't stand the death of a patient she never knew, so how would she handle the death of her own son? No, I couldn't let that happen to her. I wrap my arms around her in a loving embrace, "Don't worry, I'll win it for you." She tried to respond but couldn't form words through her relentless crying.

    "Good luck son, knock em dead." My dad spoke as he tried to console my mom. It wasn't long before the peacekeepers pulled them from the room. No more visitors. I was alone now, waiting for the end. I had to win, for all the patients, for my mother's sanity. It wasn't long before the peacekeepers came back into the waiting room and led me to the train. I looked out the window as we sped away, looking at District 6 for what may be the last time.

    I am Vizair Tozin, and I will win the 56th Hunger Games
    Last edited by DrumBeats; 14th April 2013 at 09:23 PM.
    My multiple point of view Hunger Games Story

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    shsl music club member Catspring's Avatar
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    Default Re: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

    I'm a huge fan of The Hunger Games and I'll definitely be stalking this thread. I love how you decided to do multiple viewpoints, that definitely makes for an interesting read as readers will wonder who comes out on top. So far Vizair is a very interesting character, and there's a very creative story with him killing the patients that are on their deathbed although I'll be rooting for Erika because that's my name.

    See, like I said another- wait... Shit, really?
    This was definitely the best part of the Prolouge; this made me laugh c:

    One thing I've noticed is that in the first post it says 56th Hunger Games, but then Vizair said he'll win the 61st Hunger Games. Just a heads up.

    All in all, great work and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!

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    Super Moderator Paperhorse's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

    I edited a bunch of grammar stuff. I bolded the changes:



    Great start to the story! Vizair is an interesting character right from the start, which is important because it will draw the reader into the story.

    Be careful about switching between present and past tense! I changed it all to present tense, but you definitely have to be consistent.

    Also, you use second person in the start of the second paragraph. I recommend not using second person. I know this isn’t academic/formal writing, but I just don’t like switching back and forth between first and second person. It’s a personal preference, I guess.

    I find it interesting how Vizair thinks murdering the patients is justified.

    I wonder how that will play out in the games. Looking forward to reading the rest!

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

    I've never read The Hunger Games myself (most I've done is skim through the first five chapters and throw it away, bored), but I can tell you one thing you're doing wrong (or at least very, very differently) here.

    You're making everything happen too quickly. Even if it's a prologue, you're inserting events that deserve more detail, such as the selection process. (The self-description is fine as-is.) Isn't there a sense of fear and suspense that hangs over the crowd as they watch who is being selected? A sense of both relief and anguish when the selection process is over? Perhaps Vizair himself is not interested in these things, but you could at least describe something of his boredom. Here is an example of what I'm talking about:

    As I approach the square, there were all the standard procedures to make sure everyone was present.
    What standard procedures? The reader probably has no idea what you're talking about, unless they have already read The Hunger Games, which I haven't. You needn't describe all of them, but a few would be appropriate.

    "It's time, to send two of our own children to the Capitol to compete in the Hunger Games. Let's start the Reaping!"

    I rolled my eyes at the man. He acted as if it were an honor or something. "Ladies first," the man began, "Delsie Turnes"
    In just three sentences, you have already started the selection process, and in two more, you have selected the first candidate. Just like that? No long, boring speech that Vizair has to wait through and ignore? Perhaps he is bored of it, but at least give the audience some indication that something is happening! Perhaps Vizair could describe "another long, drawn-out speech about how the Hunger Games were really a badge of honor" while really the whole thing was a load of bunk because everyone knew what happened to those people and what the Capitol's real intentions were. And perhaps a pause, between saying "Ladies first" and announcing the poor lady's name, that Vizair snarks.

    In short, everything after your first initial description feels like a summary, and not a full recount. Try to flesh things out a bit more in the future.

    Your going too fast is not a unique problem; in fact, I'd say it's the root of many other problems that commonly occur in fanfics that are given isolated names, such as the dreaded Mary Sue. But it is a problem that should be addressed.

    (Excuse any possibly archaic or pompous language. I have a tendency to start getting eloquent on people when I try to criticize constructively, and I've also been reading Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, so I'm continually thinking in British.)
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    Registered User DrumBeats's Avatar
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    Default Re: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

    @America*, thanks for the comments, and I fixed the games title. Trust me, so of the deaths are going to be so awful for me to write later xD

    @Paperhorse, thanks for noticing that! Is this prologue better?

    @Zekkyuurem, thank you or the feedback. I understand what you're saying, and will take it into account the best I can. However, writing an 8 point of view story makes it take a while to actually advance the plot in the beginning, and the bulk of it is in the Arena. While the reaping could've have more detail, the small procedures didn't need it much. Explanations of certain things will occur in the character they're most relavent to's prologue. I probably should've started with a different character for that, but I feel Vizair was a good enough attention grabber to make up for it.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ariana Vix
    Prologue: Caught in the Net


    "Why do you want me dead?" I furiously scream at my father.

    He calmly responds, "I don't want you dead. I want you to win."

    I scream back without restraint, "Well I'm not doing it. Why the hell would I volunteer to go die in an arena? It's bad enough that you've made me take three tessarae for the last four years!" Tessarae is a year's supply of oil and grain given by the Capitol. The catch is, you enter your name in the reaping one more time for each family member you're getting it for every year. The sad part is, my family doesn't even need the tessarae, but my dad forces me to take it to raise my chances of being reaped.

    A smug smile come across my dad's face as he speaks again "Oh, you will. You know why? Allie is eligible to be reaped next year. If you won't do it, she will."

    My sister. She means everything to me, so innocent and sweet. She can't survive in the arena, at least I have training. I break down into tears and mumble quietly, "Fine, you win..."

    I storm out of the house and head to the ocean, something District 4 is known for; it is the one place I truly feel free. Ever since my mom died in a fishing accident, all my dad's cared about is the games. He's been pushing me to volunteer for a while, but now he has the upper hand. I have to give in.

    As I dive in, I notice a fish caught in a fisherman's net. The fish struggles to escape, but there's no way out; he's trapped. He can try, but there's no way he can get out of the net. Its not long before the fisherman walks up and stabs a small spear through the fish's eyes.

    Thats just how my life is right now. I am the fish, caught in my father's net. Every year, I've fought to not have my name come out of the ball and I've succeeded until now. However, my sister just makes the net more complex and impossible to escape without placing her in it, and I can't do that.

    I get out of the water and walk home. With the reaping tomorrow, I cant sleep. How can I knowing this will be the last night at home, the last night I see my sister? I manage to catch a half hour of sleep here and there, but always wake up with nightmares.

    Eventually the sun rises, and I get out of bed before my family. I want to say something to my sister, but can't find the words to tell her I'll never see her again. I sneak out and end up one of the first people at the town square. They prick my blood to confirm I'm there and I head to my section.

    Waiting. Hours of waiting, just for my inevitable death to begin. Maybe I could win, but the chances are low. The other careers would kill me easily in the end. Eventually, a familiar voice spoke through a microphone,

    "Welcome to the 56th annual Hunger Games. Let's choose our lucky lady first," her hand reaches into the ball and pulls out a name, "Cheryl Tennant" It's not long before a twelve year old girl is sent up to the stage, sobbing, with the Capitol lady. The lady adds, "Any volunteers?"

    This is the moment. The Games start now. I raise my hand, "I volunteer as tribute!" I rush onto stage and introduce myself, trying to remain calm in front of everyone. I dont want the other tributes thinking I'm weak when they see this.

    After the small introductory session, the lady continues, "And the lucky gentleman..." She reaches in and pulls out a slip, "Mark Khan!

    Of course he was reaped, why wouldn't he be? The son of two victors is steep competition. How can I win against him? The worst part is I'll have to get all buddy-buddy with him now to get in on the Careers alliance. Hell obviously be the leader. He gives me a smile as the lady lifts both of our hands, "Here are your lucky tributes for the 56th Hunger Games!"

    Soon, I'm being dragged into a building right by the departure train, where I can say my final goodbyes. The first to come in is my dad. The last person I want to see right now. He says, "Good luck, I'm proud of you, as he tries to give me a hug.

    "Drop dead," I respond as I literally push him out the door. The next visitor is bittersweet to see. I Want to see her so bad, but I know it'll be the last time I ever see her. Soon, she bursts through the door in tears. I wrap her in a comforting embrace and console her, "It's alright Allie. I'll win this, I promise. I love you."

    She can't make much of a response past her tears, but I think I hear an "I love you" in there somewhere. We hug for what feels like hours, yet I never want to stop. It ends abruptly when peacekeepers storm in and escort her out. I'm led to the train, where I watch my whole life fade away behind me, never able to see her again.
    Last edited by DrumBeats; 14th April 2013 at 09:18 PM.
    My multiple point of view Hunger Games Story

    Winner of MLP Mafia, Simpsons Mafia, War Room Mafia 2, Pokemon Mafia: Kodomo Ne, Companions Quartet Mafia, LOST Mafia, Hunger Games Mafia, and Pokemon Ranger: Guardian Signs Mafia, Havendale 2 Mafia, Twilight Mafia, Supernatural Mafia, Magic of Gardonia Mafia, and Disgaea Mafia.

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    Back to KM Kantomasta's Avatar
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    Default Re: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor (2nd character is up!)

    I never personally read the hunger games series, but wow. You make me want to :P

    Theres no grammer mistakes or mistakes in general as far as I can see. I also like that you described everything to us. If you wouldn't of said anything, I would've had to ask what a Tessarae was.

    The only thing I can really focus on in helping you is description. While you have some, there could be more. What did the crowd look like? What do our characters look like? Whats the scnery? As you write, ask yourself those things, and description should come easier. :)

    and for just an overall thing, I really like the characters so far. It's gonna be hard to see(read?) them die in the games. You really have it written where we can feel like we can connect to the characters.

    Not much else I can say, other than I look forward to meeting the next character!
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    Super Moderator Paperhorse's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor (2nd character is up!)

    Good story! I like how Ariana is really close to her sister. Too bad she has an abysmal relationship with her father. I wonder why her father wants her to go to the Games so much. There must be a reason. Also, it’s hard to imagine her father saying anything calmly with red text lol.

    I really liked the net metaphor with the fish. Really grabs the reader's attention. Using any type of literary devices like that really spices up the text.

    Great job overall.

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    Registered User DrumBeats's Avatar
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    Default Re: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor (2nd character is up!)

    Erika Black
    Prologue: Unseen Trouble


    "Wake up, little bat," I hear my brother Ethan say softly as he wakes me up. It is my first reaping. I am scared out of my mind, but he is here to comfort me. He says calmly, "Don't worry, you're name's only in there once. There's no way you'll be picked."

    Ever since I was little he's been all I have. When I was 5, burglars broke into our home attempting to rob us. My mom was downstairs and my dad told us to hide while he took care of it. My brother dragged us into our room and hid us under the bottom bunk of our beds. For a while there was silence and later, two gunshots. Then I heard a door slam shut and footsteps fade away. The coast was clear and we headed downstairs when my brother broke the news, "They're dead."

    In most cases, we would be placed in a district sponsored orphanage. However, we wouldn't let them split us apart. The orphanage wouldn't take me in due to my condition. I mean who would want to adopt a blind child? My brother soon got a job with the livestock at age 11. He worked hard to make sure we both survived that year. Every year after that he took tessarae for the both of us on top of his job at the ranch, just to protect me.

    I feel kind of bad that he has gone to such great lengths to keep me safe. I'm all he has left, and I don't think he could bear losing me. He helps me get ready for the day, and it's not long before we're out the door. He stops when we get outside and says to me, "Remember what to do in case I'm reaped?"

    I nod, "Yeah, yeah. I need to go talk to the neighbors and live with them. You've told me a thousand times!" He worries too much; we'll be fine. Neither of us will be reaped, and we can move on with our lives.

    He leads me to the town square and finds the other 12 year old girls. After spotting them, he guides me there and gives me a comforting embrace, "Don't worry, you'll be alright. Your name's only in there once." But I wasn't scared for myself, I was scared for him.

    I hear Ethan make it back to what I assumed was the 18 year old boys section before I hear footsteps on the stage, "Welcome to the 56th Annual Hunger Games!" First, we will pick our lovely lady." By the sound of his voice he was male, likely in his young adult years.

    "Erika Black! Come on up now, don't be shy."

    Panic sets in as I hear my own name called. I hear my brother scream from behind me but I can't comprehend it right now. I slowly walk toward the sound of the man's voice, hoping to reach the stage. However, he soon realized my condition and walked to me to give me a hand onto the stage. The crowd is silent. I could not see what was going on, but I know everyone is shocked.

    "Any volunteers?" the man pleads, hoping to get me out of this mess. There was no response.

    He regretfully moves on, "For the boys, Vincent Bailey!" I hear footsteps and heavy breathing as the boy approached the stage. That doesn't last long though. A familiar shout interrupts,

    "I volunteer as tribute!" What was he doing? He doesn't even know that kid he just saved. Why do we both have to die here? I hear him step toward the stage and take the spot next to me. He whispers, "I will protect you."

    The crowd remains completely silent, and the man lifts our arms, "These are you're tributes for this years Hunger Games!". Of course, this is answered with more silence. He sends us into a holding area to wait for visitors, but unfortunately I had none.

    Ethan and I hop into the train, and he put his arm around me. I hysterically cry into his shoulder. This is really the worst case scenario. Even if one of us wins, the other is dead. We could return, but it would be alone. I had to enjoy these last moments, before Ethan is gone.
    Last edited by DrumBeats; 14th April 2013 at 09:07 PM.
    My multiple point of view Hunger Games Story

    Winner of MLP Mafia, Simpsons Mafia, War Room Mafia 2, Pokemon Mafia: Kodomo Ne, Companions Quartet Mafia, LOST Mafia, Hunger Games Mafia, and Pokemon Ranger: Guardian Signs Mafia, Havendale 2 Mafia, Twilight Mafia, Supernatural Mafia, Magic of Gardonia Mafia, and Disgaea Mafia.

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