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  1. #16
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    Default Re: "Look" (One-shot) EDITED. READ?

    yep racoongoon. four. Look at it. Look at the potenial. Look At the unfinished story. LOOK.
    The wind howls...The rain pours...A figure appears in the darkness...The Minryu approaches..............

  2. #17
    Vile Insect. RaccoonGoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Look" (One-shot) EDITED. READ?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aceblack4eva View Post
    yep racoongoon. four. Look at it. Look at the potenial. Look At the unfinished story. LOOK.
    Fine. This is my ATTEMPT at a series. "Look" The Series pilot chapter.

    "Look"
    Chapter 1


    Looker awoke from his slumber. With a loud yawn, the 15 year old pulled his coat away from his body.

    The blood stain and holes were still present, cuasing the boy to frown. What would his father think?

    "No time to dwell on that." he thought.

    "I need to find a town."

    With his coat no longer acting as a blanket, he put it on, grabbed his suitcase, and left his little camp on the slope of the mountain.

    ------------------------------------------

    Soon Looker came upon a small Route Sign, reading-

    "Route 211-Eterna City"

    "Great!" the young boy said as he began to run towards the city.

    --------------------------------------------

    The city was lush and green. An aroma of fresh flower gardens and fertile soil scented the city.

    The trench coated-teen had never seen such a place. Snowpoint was buried under snow, Mount Coronet was basically a big rock with a cave in it, and his own home region was mostly made of large, bustling metroplexes.

    This place was truley beautiful.

    Eterna City wasn't a large town, but wasn't all that small either. Looker recieved strange looks from the people he passed, and for good reason- A 15 year old, in a coat way too big for him, lugging around a silly looking suitcase isn't really a normal sight to see walking around town.

    After passing some type of Gym he came to the tallest building in the city. A large sign was plastered above the entrance.

    "Eterna Condiminiums"


    "Seems like an apartment building of some sort."

    He entered.

    He walked up to the front desk, his hands beginning to sweat. He stood as tall as he could, trying to look older.

    "Excuse me miss, how much is rent for a room here?"

    The plain looking lady, (with too much lipstick) eyed the boy.

    "What?" she asked with a quizzed look.

    "How much is it to rent a room here?" he asked again, slightly more annoyed.

    "Kid, you sure do sound funny. You from around here?"

    Looker began to feel awkward. He "sounded funny"? Sure, he was from a different place in the world, but he didn't think he sounded -THAT- funny. He tried to word out his question better.

    "My name, it is Looker. It is what they call me. I need to live in a room here, that is what I need."

    "Why sure! You should of said so, sweetie!"

    Looker had to fight the urge to face-palm. Why had this woman only understood his silly, dumbed-down, dialect? Why had she not questioned his age? She must be a few pegs short.....

    "We have an open room on the second floor-Room 2-4."

    The ditzy lady clicked info into a computer, dug a room key from a drawer, and handed the small metal key to Looker.

    "There you are Lookie-dear! Rents due in a couple of weeks."

    "Gotcha tootse." A vocabulary word learned from his sailor friends slipped out. Ah well.

    "Ooh! Does that mean 'pretty lady' in your language?"

    He walked to the elevator, holding in a chuckle.

    Upon finding his room, he unlocked the door, set his luggage on the comfy recliner, hung his coat up,and plopped down on the one person bed.

    Just as he was dozing off into a pleasent afternoon nap, the woman's words cut his relaxation short.

    "Rents due in a couple of weeks."

    He needed some sort of job, and fast.

    He rose and walked over to the small room's window.

    "Hm...that Gym...some statue, a museum,a little shop, and......a bike shop? Neat!"

    He ran to the bathroom to comb down his hair.

    "Better not wear my jacket if I'm looking for a job. That bad left sleeve wouldn't look to good."

    "Gotta take care of this tie too...."

    He removed the make-shift bandage and looked at his Bite wound. Still sore, but it stopped bleeding, so that was good. It had begun to heal itself, and the dried blood clung to the skin.

    Washing his arm with water, he noticed the Bite wasn't that bad after all. He threw the ruined tie away, and headed out the door, hoping for a job at a neat-o bike shop.

    -----------------------------------------------(To be continued?)

    NOTES: This is just a test, it's not set in stone this is a series. I made Eterna Condiminiums apartments, due to the Japanese name.

    Tell me what you think. Thanks.
    Last edited by RaccoonGoon; 9th September 2010 at 09:26 PM.

  3. #18
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Series? Chapter 1 is up)

    Awesome! Wonder how much that rent will be? Keep going!
    The wind howls...The rain pours...A figure appears in the darkness...The Minryu approaches..............

  4. #19
    Vile Insect. RaccoonGoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Series? Chapter 1 is up)

    Quote Originally Posted by Aceblack4eva View Post
    Awesome! Wonder how much that rent will be? Keep going!
    Thanks. Next chapter "MIGHT" be up late tonight. Still want to see what others think of it. If it dosn't go anywhere, I might delete chapter 1 and leave it as a one-shot.

  5. #20
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Series? Chapter 1 is up)

    EVRYONE READ READ READ!
    The wind howls...The rain pours...A figure appears in the darkness...The Minryu approaches..............

  6. #21
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Series? Chapter 1 is up)

    Ok....thats cool. One fan is better than none. I'll put Chapter 2 up anyway.

    "Look"
    Chapter 2


    "Better hurry before it gets late in the day."

    Looker ran towards the stairs, zipping by an elderly woman watering the wall plants. Just as he was about to walk down the stairs, a hand grabbed his shoulder.

    "Greetings, my friend!"

    He spun around to look at the adult halting his advance. He was in a suit coat that could of dated back to the 80's, it's red color fading. His face held a thick mustache, a few silver hairs poking through the black ones. He must of been around forty or fifty years old, as he was starting to bald.

    "I'm the Superintendent here, and on my watch I'll offer 24 hour -yawn- ser-se- -yawwwn- service. And you are?"

    "I'm Looker. I just moved in here."

    "Whuzzat? I'm a looker? Why thank you, but whats your name?"

    With an annoyed tone, Looker switched to his "understandable" wording.

    "My name, it is Looker, that is what they call me."

    "Ah, pleasure to meet you Lookar. Please, make yourself at home."

    "Yeah, thanks....."

    The Superintendent turned and walked to the older woman, allowing Looker to continue on.

    "Is everybody in this Region like that?" he thought, exiting the Codominiums.

    ---------------------------------------

    The bike shop smelled of metal gears and grease. The floor was littered with spare parts of every kind- Brakes, pumps, pedals, tires- Everything.

    A man was in the middle of the mess, hlding a clipboard.

    "Excuse me sir, I'm looking for a job."

    The man whipped around, scattering the assorted accelarators around his feet.

    "Huh? Oh, a job?"

    "Yes sir."

    The man scrathed his bald head a moment, rapped his greasy fingers on the clipboard, and nodded.

    "Sure buddy. Can you count? Take inventory?"

    "I sure can."

    "Great. You can start tomorrow by organizing my bike parts."

    "Awright! Thank you!"

    "Oh, and leave the slacks and office shirt at home. Wear some casual clothes that aren't too big. Be here 9'o clock sharp."

    "Yessir."

    ------------------------------------

    Looker may of got a job, but he still had a few problems.

    -He didn't expect to bea grease-monkey at a bike shop when he left home, he wanted to stop crime.

    -He was a stranger in a strange land, and nobody could really understand him.

    -And he didn't pack any "Casual clothes that fit". He had only threw in a couple of his father's suits. He didn't even have normal shoes.

    "What can I do?" he thought, truding back up the stairs to his room.

    "If only I planned things out...."

    He passed the same old lady as before, only this time walking. She must of took notice of his worried face.

    "Whats wrong, sonny? Why the long face?"

    He was suprised she had talked to him.

    "O-oh, nothing."

    "Herm, something is allright."

    "No ma'm, it's fine."

    "Why don't you come have some tea in my apartment?"

    Looker was still uncomfortable with all this.

    "Ok...."

    Once seated at a small table, the lady brought two cups of tea.

    "Now- What has you worried?"

    He sighed, may as well tell anyway.

    "I just moved here. I got a job at the bike shop down the street, but I didn't pack the right clothes to work in." He had forgotten to word his sentance diferently.

    The lady's wrinkled face smiled slighty.

    "You're not from around here, are you? So you need more clothes, eh?"

    "You can understand me?"

    "Of course. I've been all over the world...when I was younger, that is. Now, to the problem at hand..."

    She got up and went to a back room. He was amazed that somebody actually understood what he was saying. Who was this woman?

    She returned, with a bundle of clothes.

    "These belonged to my son when he was your age."

    She the "casual wear" down. twenty shirts, a bundle of jeans, a pile of socks, and even a great load of underwear.

    "I want you to have them. My son was going to give them to his child, but he and his wife had a daughter instead. In fact, she's about your age if memory serves...."

    "Oh wow, thank you so much!"

    Looker felt like a Wailord had been lifted off his shoulders.

    "Your very welcome young man. Now go and rest up."

    "Yes ma'm. Thanks again."

    He left with his new wardrobe, grinning ear from ear. They may be hand-me-downs, but they were better than nothing.

    Meanwhile, the sweet old lady was still sipping tea, thinking.

    "What was that grandaughter of mines name again? Hm...blast! I just saw her at a Contest....."

    She continued to sip tea.

    ----------------------------------------------

    NOTE: 25 points to whoever can guess who the mystery girl is.
    Last edited by RaccoonGoon; 11th September 2010 at 03:45 PM.

  7. #22
    #YEEZUS Ultra Pidgeot's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 2 up now! Comments welcome!)

    Joanna.

  8. #23
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 2 up now! Comments welcome!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ultra Pidgeot View Post
    Joanna.
    20 points. (Forgot the "h".)

  9. #24
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 2 up now! Comments welcome!)

    You're lacking in the description department. You included smell, which is good, but overall, you need to work on that. It is true that you only really have to describe things in detail during slow or important scenes, but you haven't really had any big action scenes yet or anything.

    The dialogue was good. Not quite great, but it's only the beginning of your story, so I wouldn't expect shocking/interesting interchanges just yet.

    Other than that, it's good.

  10. #25
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 2 up now! Comments welcome!)

    Thanks for the pointers Lugion.

  11. #26
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 2 up now! Comments welcome!)

    Wow. Just read it. But Johanna? Really? Wow. Old lady must be dead now(DP time), she's Dawn's Great G-ma. And how is he talking different?
    The wind howls...The rain pours...A figure appears in the darkness...The Minryu approaches..............

  12. #27
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 2 up now! Comments welcome!)

    Quote Originally Posted by RaccoonGoon View Post
    20 points. (Forgot the "h".)
    FFFFFUUUUU-

  13. #28
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 2 up now! Comments welcome!)

    “Look”

    Chapter 3


    Eterna City was good for Looker.

    He had gained favor with Rad Rickshaw his first day being an employee for him with his good inventory skills.

    With his job, he was able to meet rent every time it was due. With the rest of his cash he bought an alarm clock, radio, mini-fridge, and soda. After seeing firsthand how much it takes to live, he was glad he had gotten free clothes.

    He and the sweet old lady would visit often. She revealed her name was Celia. She was the closest thing Looker had to a friend in the Sinnoh Region.

    After a year, he had gotten the hang of Sinnoh. He only had to talk to Rad, but that was to only say “yes” or “no”, and Celia, which could understand him without having to word his sentences differently.

    For his good work at the bike shop and also for his birthday, Rad sold him a bike for half off.

    “Thanks a lot, Mr.Rickshaw!”

    “Sure thing buddy. Without you to organize the place, we wouldn’t have customers and I would be ankle high in cluttered bike chains.”

    Looker loved his dark green bike, and on weekends, would ride it all over the city.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    One Friday evening Looker was returning from a bike ride when Celia called him over to her apartment.

    “Looker dear, come and have some tea with me!”

    Once seated at a small table inside Celia’s light blue kitchen Celia came and sat down, handing a teacup to the sixteen year old.

    “My, you’re growing like a Tropius.”

    He blushed.

    “I have a favor to ask of you….”

    “Of course, what is it?”

    He owed her at least a favor after the whole clothes deal.

    “Well, my granddaughter, the one I told you about, is coming to visit me tomorrow. But the thing is, I think she would be bored just to sit around here with a dull 67 year old woman like me.”

    Looker began to feel awkward and nervous at the same time, but didn’t know why.

    “You run around town more than I do, and you two are about the same age, so do you think you could show here the sites? Show her a good time? I don’t want her to laze around here all week….”

    “Sure I could. I have the weekend off, so it’ll work out fine.”

    “Oh bless you Looker! She should be here about 1 o’clock.”

    “Ok, sounds good.”

    “You’re a sweet young man, Looker dear. Never change that.”

    Celia walked over and hugged him. He was glad Luke the sailor wasn’t there to see, or he would forever be hounded with comments like- “So ole’ Looker made it with a ‘wrinkled lass’ eh? Aharahar!”

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Looker couldn’t go to sleep that night.

    What did “show her a good time” mean? Where would he take her? What was she like?

    He knew girls back home, sure, but he never really talked to them. He didn’t know a thing about girls at all.

    While sailing to Sinnoh, he had heard a sailor say “Showed her a good time”…… after stopping at a port town in some placed called Hoenn….

    “Aye! She was a classy dame from that “Tree City” or whatever. After a few drinks, I went behind the bar and showed her a good time! Aherherher!”

    “What does that mean, Sean?” (The sailors name was Sean.)

    “M’boy, I’ll tell you some other time…… Hey Trebek, how’s that mother of yours…..”

    Sean the sailor never told him what that meant.
    After about two hours, he drifted off to sleep.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    He awoke around 9 o’clock.

    He proceeded to take a shower, comb his hair, and brush his teeth.

    After a breakfast of waffles, scrambled eggs, and a can of soda, he went to the closet.

    “What should this snazzy beast wear…..”

    He rummaged threw his clothes over his head as he searched- his normal duds, his pants, slacks, his only remaining tie, a couple of pairs of sneakers, his trench coat- all landing around his bed.

    “Look at me, worrying what to wear like a girl. Feh, I look good in anything.”

    For the year he had been in Sinnhoh, his confidence had gone up since he first left home. Maybe it was the brotherhood he felt with the sailors, maybe it was earning his own money, maybe it was living on his own, but he knew things were good this point in time.

    “This will look pretty snazzy.” he said putting on a pair of crisp, dark blue jeans. He grabbed one of his office shirts and put it on, leaving it un-tucked. He slipped on some black shoes and clipped on his wrist watch. 11:39.

    “Here goes nothing….”

    As he sat in the comfy leather recliner, he began to think.

    “What if she thinks I sound funny? What if she thinks I’m strange? Where do I take her? What if she has no legs? WHAT IF I HAVE NO LEGS?”

    His confidence starting to fade, he goes to the mini-fridge and pulls out a soda. With 2 gulps its gone.

    “Phew…I needed that……”

    Suddenly, a knock came from the door.

    “Um…erm……just a moment please!” he calls to the door.

    He quickly retrieves another can of soda, yanks the tab off, and inhales the brown, sugary substance.

    Wiping his mouth he strolls over to the door and opens it.

    A young girl, around his age, smiles at him. Her hair is a brilliant dark blue, almost black. A red hair clip accenting its beauty. Her eyes were blue, a peaceful blue, the centers sparkling. She had a thin build, but was just plum cute for a sixteen year old girl, and had all the….right proportions. She wore denim capris , a cream colored shirt with a red stripe running through it, and sandals.

    “Hey! I’m Johanna. My grandma said you’d show me around?”

    “Erm….yeah, yeah. I’m Looker. Nice to meet you, Johanna.”

    This was the moment of truth. Would Johanna think Looker talked funny? Was he a weirdo?

    She giggled.

    “That’s a real cool name, Looker. Nice to meet you too!” She held out her slender, small hand.

    He took the hand in his, preparing to shake it, but then a past memory flashed in his mind.

    It was Sean the sailor. Looker was looking at the dock, Sean was talking to a lady in a red dress. He took her hand, bowed a little, and kissed the back of her hand. The lady swooned and giggled, giving the burly sailor a smooch on the lips. Later, after setting sail, Sean commented “Never shake a dames hand, always kiss it.:

    Looker did the same thing- bowing slightly, he put his lips to the back of her hand, and came back up, releasing her hand.

    “Now what? Was that strange? Oh no non no no-Wait! A compliment!” he thought

    “You look lovely today.” he said.

    Johanna blushed, giggled into her hand, and said-

    “Thanks.” softly.

    The two of them walked into town, searching for something to do.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    After a few minutes, Johanna piped up.

    “Ooh, what’s that statue over there?”

    She pointed to the old, old stature sitting atop a hill.
    “That’s an old statue where they use to have festivals and stuff. Now it just sits there.”

    “Neat! Mind if we go see it?”

    “Lets go!”

    The two scrambled up the hill.

    “Wow….its some sort of Pokemon……wonder which one?”

    “No telling. It must have been pretty big…”

    The rustic structure resembled a mighty Dragon of some sort, a large jewel on its broad chest.

    The duo sat on the warm grass by the statue.

    “Do you have any Pokemon, Looker?”

    “Me? No, I never got into them. You?”

    “Oh yes! I show them in Contests over in Hearthome.”

    “Ah, cool.”

    Truth be told, Looker had never heard of the place.

    “Yeah. Me and my Eevee and Glameow haven’t won yet, but I’m sure we will!”

    “You probably will. If you ever need support, just tell me and I’ll be there.”

    Truth be told again, he had no idea how “Pokemon Contests” worked.

    “Aw, thanks!”

    The setting sun was breathtaking over Eterna City.

    “So you’re hear all week?”

    “Yep.”

    “Heh, me and you should do some more things if you want to….”

    “Sure I want to, silly! You’re real nice…..”

    “Thanks…you too….”

    “Lets take a trip to Floaroma Town tomorrow! That would be fun!”

    “Ok, sounds good!”

    The sun lowered deeper into the sky.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    “Well, thanks for showing me around.”

    “You’re welcome. I had fun.”

    “Me too! Goodnight, Looker.”

    “Night Johanna.”

    Just as she was about to open the door to her grandma’s apartment, she turned around.

    “Oh, hey. Remember when you kissed my hand?” she asked with a devilish tone of voice.

    “Urm, yeah…I’m s-sorry if you-”

    Before he could finish, she leaned close to him and kissed him on the cheek.

    “Teehee, now we’re even.”

    And like that, she left the stunned Looker alone in the hallway. He put a hand on his cheek.

    Without changing the look on his face, he entered his own apartment, got into night clothes, brushed his teeth, turned off the lights, crawled into bed , and laid there.

    20 minutes later, he comes out of his trance and says-

    “What is this, I don’t even......."

    Then he passed out, asleep.

    --------------------------------------------------

    Comments, pointers, and tips always welcome.

    25 points to whoever catches the two guest characters beside Johanna.
    Last edited by RaccoonGoon; 12th September 2010 at 05:09 PM.

  14. #29
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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 3 up now! Comments welcome!)

    You change tenses a lot.

    "he entered his own apartment"

    and then

    "20 minutes later he comes out of his trance"

    and the guests are Sean Motherfucking Connery and Alex Trebek.

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    Default Re: "Look" ( Chapter 3 up now! Comments welcome!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ultra Pidgeot View Post
    You change tenses a lot.

    "he entered his own apartment"

    and then

    "20 minutes later he comes out of his trance"

    and the guests are Sean Motherfucking Connery and Alex Trebek.
    Thanks for reading and for pointing that out. I'll try to work on that.

    25 points for you. Expect more "special guests" being sailors.

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