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  1. #1
    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Okay, this is my third fic, my first one failed due to lack of readers, the second sadly following the same process and I am DETERMINED NOT TO LET THIS ONE FOLLOW! I will REGULARLY post, and, well, that's all I'll say...

    My third fic is a whole new genre to me, so please, I need advice.

    First Fic: Action
    Second Fic: Funny/Sport
    THIRD FIC: ???

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    Loading... 1% Complete


    The screen flickered as he pressed the “on” button on his new game. He was excited, he’d loved the franchise since he’d been five, and never missed a game. Now, at fifteen, he loved it still.

    The on button glowed green, and he remembered what the packet said. “Fresh from Japan. Never seen before. ENGLISH PATCHED.

    He knew that some patches were illegal, but the booklet confirmed the United Kingdom Government had approved it. He knew that if it happened to be it was illegal, he could point out the booklet and say, “I thought it was legal, it even says to here!”

    He knew this was dodgy, and that he shouldn’t be doing this, and for some reason he was anxious something wasn’t right. A bead of sweat went down his head, starting from the hair, and dripped onto his feet.

    His mother was at work (not that he cared) thus he was alone. The game displayed a warning for Photosensitive Seizures. He ignored it. He’d never had one before, why should he worry anyway?

    The game froze. So did he. A swirling pattern appeared on the screen. His eyes flickered. The screen went black, and he stopped.

    Confused, he looked at his watch, saw the time was Ten Thirty in the evening, and got up to phone Mum, so see why she was taking so long. Just then the phone rang.

    He answered.

    “Hello dear, it’s Mum!”
    “Why are you so late?”
    “Oh, about that… I’m sleeping over at Oaks tonight, he needs to take my somewhere in the morning.”
    “But Mum, you pro…”
    “I know I promised I’d be home for the football tomorrow morning, but it’s urgent.”
    “Bye Mum.”

    He slammed the phone down, stressed. It was the big game! England VS Germany! She’d promised to come with popcorn and everything. He supposed he’d watch it at Elm’s. When he first moved in he was surprised at the number of professors there were in this place. Mum said they were, “Visitors from the ‘Other Dimension’” which he still didn’t know where that was.

    So, he went to bed with a glass of milk, and cleaned his teeth, got his Old Pyjamas on, and got into bed.

    At exactly Three thirty three in the morning, the phone rang and woke him up.

    He got out of bed, and the phone stopped ringing before he could pick it up. He heard a sound from the computer room. He walked in and saw the Wii screen glowing. A beam of light shot into the phone, which rang louder than a church bell. He quickly picked it up.

    “Hello. I’m in your town.”
    They hung up.
    It rang again, slightly louder.
    “Hello. I’m by your gate.”
    He looked outside, and no one was there. It rang again.
    “Hello. I’m coming up the stairs.”
    Sure enough, they creaked and moaned, but no one was there.
    The phone rang quietly.
    “Hello Ash Ketchum. I’m right next to you.”
    He turned around… and vanished into the Wii.
    The "Pokémon Suprise Version" had done just what it had said. Suprised you.
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

  2. #2
    Chuck Norris Impersonator Jabberjaw's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    If this is just the first chapter, it's certainly interesting. I'll have to read another chapter before I can make any judgements.

  3. #3
    Registered User revolvingscott's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    That was unexpected! Wow, that was a cliffhanger!
    Please continue this, I have to read more. 7/10

  4. #4
    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jabberjaw View Post
    If this is just the first chapter, it's certainly interesting. I'll have to read another chapter before I can make any judgements.
    I've got the whole story kinda planned in my head, it's gonna be long one, 101 Chapters, one for each % and the Epilougue.

    Quote Originally Posted by QuestionableTendency View Post
    That was unexpected! Wow, that was a cliffhanger!
    Please continue this, I have to read more. 7/10
    Thanks! I love my cliffhangers, and the next chapter... if you thought THAT was a cliffhanger...
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

  5. #5
    Registered User revolvingscott's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Chao-der! View Post
    I've got the whole story kinda planned in my head, it's gonna be long one, 101 Chapters, one for each % and the Epilougue.
    That's quite a big commitment but please: 2%, I need it!

  6. #6
    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by QuestionableTendency View Post
    That's quite a big commitment but please: 2%, I need it!
    Ha ha ha LOL I'll write it now, and give you another one at 5-5:30 PM GMT.
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

  7. #7
    Registered User revolvingscott's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Chao-der! View Post
    Ha ha ha LOL I'll write it now, and give you another one at 5-5:30 PM GMT.
    Thanks! ^^
    Seriously, though, this looks like it will be very good. I'll properly review it at about Chapter 4ish; somewhere a bit further on. Just so I can get a better feel of the story.

  8. #8
    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Quote Originally Posted by QuestionableTendency View Post
    Thanks! ^^
    Seriously, though, this looks like it will be very good. I'll properly review it at about Chapter 4ish; somewhere a bit further on. Just so I can get a better feel of the story.
    I'll spoiler Basic Plot (like the blurb on a book)

    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

  9. #9
    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Loading… 2% Complete…


    Delia Ketchum enjoyed that night with Oak.

    They drank some Gin, and chatted.

    “So, how is Ash? He gave up his adventures I see.” Oak enquired.
    “Yeah… amnesia. Doesn’t remember Pokémon as anything more than a game.” Delia said sadly.
    “Sad. I hear he refuses to believe it exists, and cannot see Pokémon?”
    “That is… correct.”

    A scream echoed.

    “Listen, is that a scream I hear?” Delia said.
    “It shrieks to me, loud and clear!” Oak said.
    “On the wind?”
    “From the Stars?”
    “IN MY EAR!” They both yelled.

    “THAT’S OUR MOTTO WITH COPYRIGHT LAWS ON IT SO DON’T USE IT!” Jessie bellowed, coming out of nowhere.
    James butted in, “Well, I heard the scream too.”
    Meowth, “Me three!”
    With a look, Jessie Said, “Shush! I’m doing very important Law Work here! James?”
    James, who had, along with Jessie and Meowth, given up Villainous activities, was now a lawyer, trained by Phoenix Wright.
    Meowth had become a T.V Presenter, and Jessie a Hairdresser. James and Jessie had married, and Meowth was a pet.

    “That’s Sidekick you Lousy, stupid, good for nothing author!”

    Ehem… Anyway, Delia phoned Ash after hearing the scream.

    “Hello Delia. Your son is gone.”
    “WHAT? Who is this s…s…G…G…GIOVANNI?”
    “Nope. I do know him though. Or did. He’s at the bottom on the ocean now.”
    “What have you done with my son?” Delia screamed. “If anything’s happened to him.”
    “Well Delia, a LOT has happened to him.” The voice said.
    “Who are you, and what’s happened to my son?”

    They had a brief conversation about what happened.

    Delia put down the phone, and said, “Oak. Oak. It was… OAK!”

    Delia went into a rage that killed Oak, bashed him on the head harder than a sledgehammer! “YOU KILLED ASH!”

    There was silence. Delia too, dropped dead.

    There was a short silence, five minutes, and Meowth’s phone was beeping as he pressed buttons and talked quitetly into the phone.

    James stared at the bodies.

    “I’m gonna have a tough job defending you two..” he said as the Ambulance arrived, with Police Cars.
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

  10. #10
    Chuck Norris Impersonator Jabberjaw's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    I'm hooked. It's brilliant. It ALWAYS confuses you/leaves a cliffhanger moment just close enough to the end of the chapter that it hooks you into reading the next chapter. Very interesting. Brilliant. Keep writing more.

  11. #11
    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Thanks SOOOO much JabberJaw!

    Like I said, I love cliffhangers!

    Now, who wants their Fic Character to Cameo?
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

  12. #12
    Master Trainer Wes118's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    this will be very interesting, and you are doing 100 parts right

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Seems like an interesting idea for a dark, cracky, surreal fic, but I think using Ash was a bit of a cheap shot. Nothing really dark seems to happen in those stories.

    That being said, the events are happening too randomly. One moment, Delia and Oak are chatting merrily, and the next, they get news that Ash is dead. While that by itself would have been fine, you have the third event, which is that Delia kills Oak in a rage. That made the events sort of sudden and disconnected.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  14. #14
    Studying Greek Mythology. KronosClownz's Avatar
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Its very intresting.
    Mail me with new myth requests!... Credit to Fang for making this awesome banner


    Eating too much chicken's bad, it gives you dandruff

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    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: (Loading... Please Die...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekurom View Post
    Seems like an interesting idea for a dark, cracky, surreal fic, but I think using Ash was a bit of a cheap shot. Nothing really dark seems to happen in those stories.

    That being said, the events are happening too randomly. One moment, Delia and Oak are chatting merrily, and the next, they get news that Ash is dead. While that by itself would have been fine, you have the third event, which is that Delia kills Oak in a rage. That made the events sort of sudden and disconnected.
    Disconnected is right. The scene involving Delia's rampage is just too...fast? The pacing is off. Give Delia time to slowly come to the realization that her son is dead, and then start questioning the suspect. When she delusions herself into thinking that Oak killed Ash, she kills Oak. And even that seems odd. She just goes into a rage. Oh, and hits him harder than a sledgehammer! The exclamation mark really puts off the mood. And you need to say how she killed Oak. Maybe she grabbed one of Ash's trophies and hits him on the head with it.

    Delia's death is equally sudden and too fast. HOW did she die? Heart attack? Suicide? Gunshot? Orifice creation (wait, no, that's just suicide...)? People don't just die, people die when they are killed! [offscreen gunshot]

    [A new Opti has been hired to continue the review]

    Aight, the story's interestin' an all but yer gotta keep th' pacing right. right now, it's all just a big jumbled up...mishabobthingamajib. Ya get what I'm sayin? Explain more to th reader and they'll understan' ya thoughts.
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

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