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Thread: Life for us...a Gym leaders past.

  1. #1
    8n-3 WeatherWitch's Avatar
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    Default Life for us...a Gym leaders past.

    GREETINGS, Salutations, welcome,however you want to say it, welcome to my first venture on Pokemon fanfiction!
    I've written some Phoenix Wright fanfics before, but nothing too good, anyway...

    This will be a series of stories about moments in the past of gym leaders, in Unova. (Each story will be split into parts A and B.) It might be far-away, such as children, or not so far away, like just a younger adult.
    //Teen for swearing, MILD sexual refrences...Enjoy!!
    If you'rre going to crit, constructive, please.
    I start with the story of Cilan, Chili and Cress...Part A.



    Please tell me what you think! I think my grammar needs work a little, but i don't know, so please help.

  2. #2
    Paint it black OverlordRuby's Avatar
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    Default Re: Life for us...a Gym leaders past.

    In the style of Italics, I will fix grammatical errors with red, and comments are in yellow.
    Quote Originally Posted by WeatherWitch View Post


    Please tell me what you think! I think my grammar needs work a little, but i don't know, so please help.
    I laughed quite a few times. It was really good. But...

    ~YOU SWITCHED POINT OF VIEW!!! Never, ever do that. At first, Cilan was 'he', then later Cilan was 'I'. Make it one or the other.
    ~Have a little sentence variety. When you talked about each of the brothers, it was always 'He was' or 'He didn't' and many others.
    ~Most sentences were very simple. Use commas to combine sentences so it's a little less choppy.

    But besides that, I will repeat that it was very entertaining. It was extremely enjoyable to read.

  3. #3
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Life for us...a Gym leaders past.

    I think it was a very good start. I love the emotion and realism in your dialog.

    Some suggestions though: space your lines a little better to avoid being a jumble of words in the format here. It's technically not incorrect how you spaced them, but it would be easier on the readers' eyes if you double spaced.

    Also, try to use more description and avoid making the sequence of events sound like a list.

    Other than that, I thought it was really good. I will look forward to seeing how you do with this :)

    Great job!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Life for us...a Gym leaders past.

    Quote Originally Posted by WeatherWitch View Post
    GREETINGS, Salutations, welcome,however you want to say it, welcome to my first venture on Pokemon fanfiction!
    I've written some Phoenix Wright fanfics before, but nothing too good, anyway...

    This will be a series of stories about moments in the past of gym leaders, in Unova. (Each story will be split into parts A and B.) It might be far-away, such as children, or not so far away, like just a younger adult.
    //Teen for swearing, MILD sexual refrences...Enjoy!!
    If you'rre going to crit, constructive, please.
    I start with the story of Cilan, Chili and Cress...Part A.



    Please tell me what you think! I think my grammar needs work a little, but i don't know, so please help.
    Your English is already fine for me. Though it needs a very little work. I like to become also a team leader someday. :D

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