A Legendary Journey

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Thread: A Legendary Journey

  1. #1
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Post A Legendary Journey

    This is my first fanfic, so keep that in mind. I have a few things to say before you start reading.
    1. I stink at names, but after a character is introduced I will give their name origin, which may contain spoilers, in a spoiler.
    2. Rated: PG to PG-13 for infrequent language and violence.
    3. The new Pokémon I make will have their name origin in a spoiler, too. But most of them have bad names.
    4. If you have a name recomendation that's better than my name, I might use it and credit you.
    5. Currently I have planned that this fic will have five parts. As such, it is very long.

    Table of Contents

    Part One

    Prologue
    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3
    Chapter 4
    Chapter 5
    Chapter 6
    Chapter 7
    Chapter 8
    Chapter 9
    Chapter 10
    Chapter 11
    Chapter 12
    Chapter 13
    Chapter 14
    Chapter 15
    Chapter 16
    Chapter 17
    Chapter 18
    Chapter 19
    Chapter 20
    Chapter 21
    Chapter 22
    Chapter 23
    Chapter 24
    Chapter 25
    Chapter 26
    Chapter 27
    Chapter 28
    Chapter 29
    Chapter 30

    Here's the Prologue.
    ***************************************************************************

    Prologue

    “Let this one-on-one Pokémon battle between Rick of Phenac City and Jodlet of New Bark Town begin!” shouted the referee as he raised his two flags.

    “Go Typhlosion!” shouted Rick.

    “Feraligatr, let’s go!” said Jodlet. Rick groaned as the Pokémon materialized. His Typhlosion couldn’t beat a Feraligatr by itself. Unless…

    “Typhlosion use Smokescreen!” yelled Rick. His Typhlosion spewed out a billowing cloud of black smoke, obscuring its half of the field from Feraligatr.

    “Feraligatr use Hydro Cannon!” commanded Jodlet. A river of water shot out of Feraligatr’s mouth. The attack missed Typhlosion by less than an inch.

    That was close, thought Rick. “Typhlosion use Sunny Day!” A ball of fire shot out of Typhlosion’s mouth and settled at the ceiling of the arena.

    “Now use Solarbeam!” shouted Rick. Feraligatr winced as the beam of light struck it.

    “Gaaaaaator!” Feraligatr fell to the floor of the arena.

    Looks like I won, thought Rick.

    “Get up and use Hydro Cannon!” shouted Jodlet in desperation. The Big Jaw Pokémon slowly rose to its feet. It shot another stream of water shot out of its mouth.

    “Phlooooooooo!” Typhlosion groaned as it fell to the ground.

    “Good battle,” said a grinning Jodlet.

    “Reversal,” said Rick.

    “Phloooooo…SION!!!” Typhlosion, glowing with red energy, launched itself at Feraligatr.

    “Always have a Focus Sash handy,” grinned Rick.

    “Double Edge!” shouted Jodlet. Feraligatr, glowing with white light crashed into Typhlosion as it collided with Feraligatr. A huge cloud of dust had formed around the two Pokémon.

    As the dust started to settle, the referee held up a flag and said “And the victor is…”

    “This is your captain speaking. We are about to make port at Ahcep Town. Please prepare to leave the S.S. Mizuhoshi. We hope that you’ve enjoyed your cruise.”

    As the captain spoke, the walls slowly dissolved and the simulation chamber reappeared. Rick unplugged himself from the machine and stepped out of the chamber. As he walked out of the simulation room, he wondered what Danto would be like. As he reached the starboard side of the cruise ship, he pulled out a newspaper article.

    The Orre Gazette January 16, 3010
    New Pokémon League Opens

    By Lenny Goldman

    Today a new Pokémon League has been opened in the newly discovered Danto region. Professor Douglas Pine, the new regional professor, says that “Danto seems to have a wide variety of undiscovered Pokémon, and should be very helpful in my research on Pokémon growth.” The new League is expected to have more than the usual eight gyms, and Prof. Pine has hinted that the League will have “strange rules.” Some of the new Pokémon discovered here are Tihawk, a Normal/Flying type Pokémon that (Continued on Page A-4)

    Rick slipped the article back into his jean pocket as he watched the wave roll by. He thought that he saw a light in the distance-maybe a lighthouse. The dock appeared on the horizon, and he went back to his room to get his luggage.

    Deep below the ocean’s surface, something lurked in the darkness. As a swarm of Finneon swam past a large round boulder a soft moaning sound could be heard, as if something was crushed underneath the solid rock, slowly wasting away. Mewtwo hung from his chains inside the boulder, having been imprisoned there for millennia. Arceus had sealed him away after he had destroyed humanity, and since Arceus had recreated mankind, all of his hard work was undone. Arceus had created a virtually unbreakable seal. If the boulder shattered, Mewtwo would die, but if he didn’t break free, he would live out the rest of his days here.

    Why didn’t He just kill me? Wondered Mewtwo. The last of his strength had sapped away centuries ago as he had battered his prison with Shadow Balls. Small dents in the wall were all that he had to show for his effort. You call yourself a Legendary Pokémon? Trapped for thousands of years in a boulder? Mewtwo concentrated all of his energy on the biggest dent in the wall of his prison. A purple-black ball of his energy crashed into the wall. As the smoke cleared, Mewtwo saw that the dent in the wall was a few inches bigger, but it hadn’t even broken to the other side. At least it didn’t start letting water in. I won’t drown. The walls started blurring as Mewtwo started to slip into unconsciousness.

    BOOM!

    The prison shook as something jolted the outside. What’s going on?! Suddenly, the boulder opened up like a Poké ball and Mewtwo fell out onto the seafloor. The last thing he saw was a scuba diver holding up a purple ball…

    ***************************************************************************

    This looks a lot better in Word.


    That's all for now!
    Last edited by Kimori-Hinoarashi; 8th June 2010 at 04:45 PM. Reason: Table of Contents
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  2. #2
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Read the rules first, edit the prologue into your first post. The story must always be in the first post. Oh, and don't bother censoring or Blackjack will have your throat.
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

  3. #3
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Here is Chapter 1. I'm going to put a link to this in my signature.
    ***********************************************************************
    Chapter 1: Unusual Starters

    As the S.S. Mizuhoshi approached the dock, Rick could see Prof. Pine waiting with two of his Pokémon. Rick recognized them from a battle that he had seen on TV as a Snover and a Torterra. A crowd of people were behind him, and Rick saw a fold-up table with several groups of three Poké balls. Rick, who had read through an extremely long and boring book of the Official Pokémon League Guidelines, knew that the Poké ball on the left side of the group was a Grass-type, the middle Poké ball was a Fire-type, and the Poké ball on the right side was a Water-type.

    A Fire-type would probably be best, thought Rick. Rick had used many of them in Simulation battles, and had almost beaten Justy, the Pregymleader and strongest Trainer in Orre, with a Charizard.

    “Next!” shouted Prof. Pine. Rick, a boy with black hair, and a girl with brown hair moved up to the front of the line. Prof. Pine looked a lot younger than the Pokémon Professors that Rick had seen on TV. He was about thirty years old with short brown hair. He wore a lab coat that looked like it hadn’t been ironed in weeks, and he was carrying a messy notebook under one arm.

    “Take your pick,” said the Professor as he pointed to a group of three Poké balls. Rick reached for the Poké ball in the middle and pressed the button. There was a flash of white light.

    “Kec!” cried the lizard-like Pokémon that had appeared.

    “What’s a Kecleon doing here?!” asked Rick.

    “We haven’t picked out official starter Pokémon yet,” explained Prof. Pine as he withdrew Kecleon. “For now we only have Eevee, Kecleon, and Ditto. When we register official starter Pokémon in a month or two from now, we’ll send you the one of your choice.”

    Rick thought for a moment, then said: “I think I’ll take Kecleon.” Rick had used one in a battle once, and it had known moves of a few different types, and had even KO-ed two of his opponent’s Pokémon. Eevee was useless until it evolved, and Ditto could only copy a Pokémon’s moveset and type.

    Prof. Pine handed him six Poké balls, a piece of paper, and a strange computer. “Here is your Kecleon and five empty Poké balls. This paper is your Trainer Card, it will serve as your ID, and you’ll need it to participate in Gym and League battles. Go to the Pokémon Center to get it registered. This gadget is the PokéCom, and it will explain to you how it works. Next!”

    As Rick walked away, he looked at the PokéCom. It was a small, green computer with a big screen. On the back, he saw a button labeled “POWER” on the PokéCom. As he pressed it, the back of the PokéCom opened up, and it transformed into a small, robotic Kecleon. It stuck out its tongue, which had the PokéCom’s screen on it. As the screen flickered, Prof. Pine’s face appeared.

    “Hello, my name is Professor Pine,” said the face. “I shall teach you the basics of working the Pocket Monster Computer, or PokéCom for short. It has many features, like a built in Pokédex. A Pokédex is a high-tech encyclopedia that records information on Pokémon. You can scan Pokémon to find out about its physiology. The PokéCom has a touch screen, so it’s very easy to use. It is almost indestructible, and it has many features that can be added on by certain people that you will meet along your journey. The PokéCom also has a map, and a Trainer Log that will keep track of your items, money, Badges, Ribbons, Pokémon, how many days that you’ve been a Trainer, and the amount of Pokémon in your Pokédex. If you want more information, ask the PokéCom. It will respond to your voice. If you want to start getting Gym Badges, there is a Pokémon Gym here in Ahcep Town. For more information on Gyms and the Pokémon League, ask the PokéCom. There is also tall grass where you can find wild Pokémon. In fifteen seconds, the PokéCom will go back to the Main Menu, and you can operate it.” The screen went black, then a list of options came up. Rick turned off the PokéCom, and ran towards Ahcep Town.

    Ahcep Town had only a few houses, a Pokémon Center, a PokéMart, and a Pokémon Gym. There was a fountain in the middle of the town, with a bronze statue of a man dressed like a ninja in the center of the fountain. A long line of Trainers was coming out of the Pokémon Center, so Rick headed toward the PokéMart to buy some more Poké balls (his mother had given him P1000 before he had left), but saw a long line, so he headed towards the forest.

    Trainer Log
    Pokémon:
    In Party: Kecleon.
    In PC: none.
    In Daycare: none.
    Pokédex:
    Seen: 5.
    Owned: 1.
    Items: PokéCom, Poké ball x5, Trainer Card.
    Money: P1000.
    Badges: 0.
    Ribbons:0.

    ***********************************************************************
    The Poké Dollar symbol isn't in text (it's a pic), so I can't copy it yet. I'm using P for now.



    Please tell me what you think about my story.
    Last edited by Kimori-Hinoarashi; 7th January 2010 at 05:12 PM.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  4. #4
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    I've made a Character Bio page. There isn't much right now, but I'll add more soon. Chapter 2 is coming soon, and I'd appreciate some comments on my story so far.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  5. #5
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Here's Chapter 2.
    ****************************************************************
    Chapter 2: Wild Pokémon

    There was a sign at the entrance to the forests that said “AHCEP FOREST and ROUTE 701.” Rick walked into the tall grass, looking around for wild Pokémon. About a minute later, a bird-like Pokémon came charging out of the trees.

    <WILD TIHAWK APPEARED,> said the PokéCom. Tihawk was a small brown bird with small wings and talons. Rick pressed the SCAN button on the touch screen and a red beam of light scanned the creature. <TIHAWK, THE SMALL RAPTOR POKéMON. FLOCKS OF TIHAWK LIKE TO HUNT FOR GLOWLING TOGETHER. THEIR SHARP TALONS ARE THEIR MAIN MEANS OF DEFENSE AGAINST HOSTILE POKéMON.>

    “Go Kecleon!” shouted Rick as he sent out the lizard.

    “Tihaaaaaaaaw!” screeched the Small Raptor Pokémon as it Pecked Kecleon with its beak.

    <KECLEON BECAME A FLYING-TYPE,> announced the PokéCom.

    “What?!” shouted Rick.

    <KECLEON’S ABILIITY COLOR CHANGE CAUSES IT TO CHANGE ITS TYPE TO WHATEVER THE TYPE OF THE MOVE THAT HITS IT WAS,> informed the PokéCom.

    “Kecleon, use… what moves does Kecleon know?”

    <ASTONISH, LICK, SCRATCH, AND BIND.>

    “Use Scratch!” commanded Rick.

    “Leon!” Kecleon Scratched the Tihawk with his claws. The PokéCom’s screen showed that Tihawk had lost about a third of its Hit Points.

    “Time to catch it!” Rick threw a Poké ball at the Tihawk. A red light shot out and absorbed Tihawk. The ball shook once. Twice. Three times, and- The ball burst open and Tihawk flew out!

    “Haaaaaaw!” squawked Tihawk as it Pecked Kecleon again.

    “Scratch it again!”

    “Leoooon!”

    <A CRITICAL HIT!>

    “Haaaaw…” cried Tihawk as it fainted. As the Tihawk fell over the tall grass hid it from sight.

    <KECLEON GAINED 26 EXP. POINTS.>

    “What happened?!”

    <KECLEON’S CRITICAL HIT WAS 1.5 TIMES STRONGER THAN HIS USUAL SCRATCH ATTACK. THIS CAUSED TIHAWK TO FAINT.>

    “I can’t catch it if it faints?” asked Rick.

    <NO. MOST POKéMON THAT INHABIT TALL GRASS USE IT TO HIDE FROM PREDATORS BECAUSE IT CONCEALS THEM FROM VIEW AFTER THEY ARE KNOCKED OUT.>

    “OK. Then what are those EXP. Points that you talked about?”

    <THEY ARE MEASURES OF GROWTH. ONCE A POKéMON OBTAINS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF EXP. POINTS, THEIR LEVEL AND STATS INCREASE.>

    “Can you just tell me when Kecleon levels up instead of telling me when it gains EXP?”

    <IF YOU WISH.> replied the PokéCom.

    Rick kept moving forward until he saw the path curve to his right. He turned to follow the path, when a Pokémon jumped out of the tall grass.

    <WILD STARLY APPEARED.> As it scanned it, the PokéCom said: <STARLY, THE STARLING POKéMON. STARLY PREFER TO LIVE IN GROUPS, BUT THEY CAN OVERCOME PREDATORS BY THEMSELVES EASILY WITH THEIR QUICK AND POWERFUL MOVEMENTS.>

    “Staaaar!”

    “Kecleon, use Scratch!”

    “Keeeeec!”

    “Leeee!” cried the Starly as it retaliated with a Tackle. The PokéCom screen showed that Starly had
    lost most of its health from Kecleon’s Scratch.

    “How come it lost more health than Tihawk?” enquired Rick.

    <IT IS A LOWER LEVEL. TIHAWK WAS LEVEL FOUR. STARLY IS ONLY LEVEL TWO,> said the PokéCom.

    Rick reached into his backpack and pulled out a Poké ball. Time to catch that Starly, he thought as he threw the ball. It shook once. Twice. A third time and- Ding!

    <STARLY WAS CAUGHT,> said the PokéCom.

    Trainer Log
    Pokémon:
    In Party: Kecleon and Starly.
    In PC: none.
    In Daycare: none.
    Pokédex:
    Seen: 7.
    Owned: 2.
    Items: PokéCom, Poké ball x3, Trainer Card.
    Money: P1000.
    Badges: 0.
    Ribbons: 0.
    Day: 1.

    ******************************************************

    I know that Tihawk is unoriginal (A tiny Hawk is slightly different from Tiny Bird LOL) , but it's hard to come up with new regional birds.
    Last edited by Kimori-Hinoarashi; 9th January 2010 at 04:17 PM.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  6. #6
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Here's Chapter 3.
    *************************************************************************

    Chapter 3: Battle for Electrike

    Rick withdrew his Kecleon, and turned around the corner. The path had opened up into a clearing and-
    <WILD SHINX APPEARED. SHINX, THE FLASH POKéMON. SHINX LETS OUT A DAZZLING FLASH OF LIGHT TO TEMPORARLILY BLIND PREDATORS WHEN ATTACKED.>

    “Go Starly!” shouted Rick.

    “Star!”

    <SHINX’S INTIMIDATE ABILITY CUT STARLY’S ATTACK. ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU SHOULD USE A FLYING-TYPE AGAINST AN ELECTRIC-TYPE?> asked the PokéCom.

    “Yes, I don’t want to knock it out before I can-”

    “Shhhhinx!” The wild Shinx Tackled Starly.

    “Staaar…”

    <STARLY FAINTED.>

    “What?!”

    <IT HAD LESS THAN A THIRD OF ITS HEALTH WHEN YOU CAUGHT IT, AND THE SHINX IS A LEVEL HIGHER THAN IT. I DID TELL YOU NOT TO USE STARLY.>

    “Go, Kecleon!” said Rick, as he ignored the PokéCom. Stupid know-it-all machine.

    “Inx!” Shinx Tackled Kecleon.

    “Use Scratch!”

    “Keeec…LEON!”

    “Shinx!” Shinx Tackled Kecleon again.

    Another Scratch will probably knock it out, so… “Use Lick!”

    “Kec!” Kecleon’s long tongue shot out and Licked the Shinx.

    <THE WILD SHINX IS PARALYZED. IT MAY BE UNABLE TO MOVE.>

    “Perfect.” said Rick, as he threw a Poké ball. It shook once. Twice. A third time. And- Ding!

    <SHINX WAS CAUGHT.>

    “Return, Kecleon.” said Rick as he picked up the Poké ball.

    As he walked into the clearing, the tall grass shook and-

    <WILD ELECTRIKE APPEARED. ELECTRIKE, THE LIGHTNING POKéMON. ELECTRIKE CHARGE THEIR FUR WITH STATIC ELECTRICITY TO POWER UP THEIR ATTACKS.>

    The blue and yellow Pokémon seemed to sparkle as it came out of the tall grass.

    <THIS IS A SHINY ELECTRIKE,> continued the PokéCom. <THERE IS A ONE IN EIGHT THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY TWO CHANCE OF ENCOUNTERING A SHINY POKéMON.>

    “So it’s rare?”

    <WEREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME?>

    “Go Shinx!”

    “Shiiiiiiinx!”

    <SHINX'S INTIMIDATE CUT THE WILD ELECTRIKE'S ATTACK.>

    “Trike!” Electrike shot a wave of electricity from its fur.

    <SHINX IS ALREADY PARALYZED!>

    “Use Lick!”

    “Kec!”

    <ELECTRIKE IS PARALYZED. IT MAY BE UNABLE TO MOVE.>

    Rick threw a Poké ball and-

    Three Poké balls collided and broke apart in midair.

    “Hey! This is my Electrike!” shouted Rick.

    “You haven’t caught it yet. It’s fair game.” said the boy who had been behind Rick in the line to get his first Pokémon.

    “Yeah,” said the girl from the line at the port as she threw another Poké ball. The Electrike shot a Thunder Wave at it and short-circuited the Poké ball while it was in midair.

    “But I found it first!” protested Rick.

    “Fine, I’ll battle you for it.” said the boy.

    “Me too,” said the girl.

    “Fine. We’ll each use one Pokémon.” said Rick. He didn’t really want to battle, but he couldn’t chicken out. Besides, his Kecleon could beat both of them. Electrike just sat in the patch of tall grass, unable to move due to its paralysis.

    “Go Kecleon!” said Rick.

    “Go Ditto!” said the boy.

    “Go Eevee!” said the girl.

    “Use Transform!” commanded the boy. The purple blob morphed into another Kecleon.

    “Use Bind on Ditto!” Rick told Kecleon. Hopefully Bind would be a strong move. Kecleon’s tongue shot out and wrapped around its copy.

    “Use Tackle on Ditto!” ordered the girl. Eevee Tackled Ditto and it winced from the damage that the two attacks had done.

    “Use Bind on Eevee!” shouted the boy.

    “Use Tackle on Eevee!” said Rick, hoping that the two attacks would be enough to knock out one of his opponents.

    Eevee groaned as both attacks hit, and fainted.

    <EEVEE FAINTED,> informed the girl’s PokéCom. She ran back to the Pokémon Center, cradling Eevee in her arms.

    <KECLEON GREW TO LEVEL 6.>

    “Use Lick!” commanded the boy.

    <KECLEON IS PARALYZED. IT MAY BE UNABLE TO MOVE.>

    “Shut up.”

    “Tackle it!” yelled the boy. The Ditto charged into Kecleon.

    “Keeeeeec…” groaned Kecleon as it fainted.

    “I win” cheered the boy. He threw a Poké ball at the Electrike, but another Poké ball hit it first. It
    shook once. Twice. Three times. And-Ding!

    <ELECTRIKE WAS CAUGHT,> said a mechanical voice. A blond girl stepped out from behind a bush and picked up the Poké ball.

    “Hey that’s mine!” shouted the boy.

    “But I caught it,” said the girl, as she ran off back into the forest. The boy went chasing after her, but-

    <DITTO FAINTED,> said the boy’s PokéCom.

    “What?!”

    <KECLEON’S BIND SLOWLY TOOK AWAY ITS HEALTH. YOU SHOULD HAVE WITHDRAWN IT OR HEALED IT. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY-> The PokéCom stopped talking as the boy pressed the POWER button. He withdrew his Ditto, which had turned back into a purple blob, and ran after the girl.

    Rick ran after him, but-

    <WILD SPEAROW APPEARED. SPEAROW, THE TINY BIRD POKéMON SPEAROW->

    “Another wild Pokémon? Go Shinx!”

    “Shiiiiiiiiiiinx!”

    <SHINX'S INTIMIDATE CUT THE WILD SPEAROW'S ATTACK.>

    “Row!” The Tiny Bird Pokémon Pecked Shinx.

    “Shiiin…”

    <SHINX FAINTED.>

    “Row!” The Spearow ran off into the tall grass. Rick ran back to Ahcep Town and the Pokémon Center, hopping over patches of tall grass to avoid starting another battle.

    Trainer Log

    Pokémon:

    In Party: Kecleon, Starly, and Shinx.

    In PC: none.

    In Daycare: none.

    Pokédex:

    Seen: 9.

    Owned: 3.

    Items: PokéCom, Poké ball x1, Trainer Card.

    Money: P1000.

    Badges: 0.

    Ribbons: 0.

    Day: 1.
    ***********************************************************************
    A battle between the 3 starters... So Rick has 2 Sinnoh Pokémon now. And he won't be seeing another shiny for a looooooooooong time. And his PokéCom is developing an attitude.
    Last edited by Kimori-Hinoarashi; 27th February 2010 at 10:56 AM.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  7. #7
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    I've Updated the Character Bios. Click the link to go there.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  8. #8
    Photo ALL of the Pokemon TPJerematic's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Firstly go back to chapter 3 and put an extra space between the paragraphs.


    Secondly ... While the dialogue and personality of the main character is good ... your discription isn't as good. Try describing the area the character is in more fully.

    This looks good. I usually avoid fics that have fan/"new" pokemon in them as the pokemon are usually under developed and poorly thought out. But this has a degree of potential.

  9. #9
    The Fallen Hero CuboneKing's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Very good!
    ALFALFA
    Quote Originally Posted by Mijzelffan
    People who haven't played Mario Kart haven't lived their life to the fullest.

  10. #10
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    I approve of this story, it's very good. If you can keep this regular and develop the story and the characters you have so far at a good rate (ie. not too slow but not too fast) I think this could become a Bulbagarden classic.

    I like the idea of the three rivals and the unusual starters and I really liked the prologue and chapter 1. I did feel Chapter 1 felt like the start of a game rather than the start of a fanfic - you didn't really need to explain EVERYTHING, readers of a Pokemon fanfic know all this after all. But on the other hand, it does demonstrate that you plan to stick very closely to the games. (Which, as a reader of Rival's Story, I'm sure you can guess, I heavily approve of)


    Chapter 2 and 3, I found a bit samey. They seemed to be focused too much on the battles and I couldn't really get a good feel of what was going on around Rick and what the area looked like. Also, they seemed to be a bit too jampacked with things happening.

    Now since you're still on the introductory chapters (personally, in a journeyfic I would say the introductory chapters stretch right to the first Gym battle [in my story, for example, that's like 12 chapters]) that doesn't matter so much. In fact, rushing through the early chapters and packing the action in can ultimately be beneficial for your fic, it helps you get to the more interesting parts quicker. You also did well in introducing Rick's rivals, although I would suggest trying to work their names in as soon as possible, after a while it gets difficult to remember who "the boy" and "the girl" are. Also, if you're planning on making your characters recurring characters, it's a lot easier for readers to remember what they did before if they have names.

    My final piece of advice concerns inventing new Pokemon. Just like TPJ said fics that choose to invent new Pokemon do tend to be confusing, stupid and ultimately fanwank. However, I believe this story has potential and I think you should continue to invent new Pokemon, but I have some advice when you do so.

    I understand Tihawk was just invented to introduce readers to the idea of new Pokemon in this region, but ultimately, it probably wasn't really necessary, keep it because it was introductory but I wouldn't do something like that again and I will proceed to explain why I think this.

    Every time you write anything, put yourself in the position of your readers. Firstly, it's difficult to imagine a new Pokemon so you have to really go to town describing it. That wasn't a problem with Tihawk, you did that fine. Also on that note, so your readers don't forget what that Pokemon looks like, I would advise trying to slip in little nuggets of description every time it does something. For instance, "Scizor snapped at Ursaring with its giant red crab like claws".

    Secondly, make your Pokemon very distinct. Obviously you know Tihawk wasn't distinct from Pidgey, Starly etc., but whatever that's fine. I mean make your Pokemon distinct from each other. Don't make your early originals the same type or have similar builds because that'll lead to your readership getting confused and mixing them up. The same goes for their names, make sure their names are VERY different. In fact, I would say try for as long as possible not to make two start with the same letter and when you finally do, make sure their second letters are different.

    Number three - don't make unnecessary Pokemon. This is my problem with Tihawk, other than serving as an introduction to new Pokemon, it seems pointless. Don't try to fill your new region with 100 new Pokemon, no one will remember them and without pictures to jog people's memories your story will become confusing and when no one can follow it any more it will become boring. You seem like a competent enough writer to stop this from ever happening, I just thought I'd give you this advice just in case. Make sure each Pokemon has a role. Don't make too many, even if they all have a "point", I would advise you to try and aim to always have more chapters than new Pokemon.

    Fourthly, when you invent a Pokemon, make sure it gets more than one mention. Basically, when you invent one, put it on someone's team or make it regularly appear (the latter is what I'm guessing you're gonna do with Tihawk). I think it'd be pretty cool to make new Pokemon someone's signature, which is what I'm guessing you're gonna do with the starters?

    Finally, just spend a lot of time thinking about a new Pokemon and how you can make it as original and memorable as possible.

    Also, your character bio page is pretty cool, you could add another section to it which is a pokedex of all your new Pokemon, that's be awesome.

    Anyways, sorry for the epically long feedback, I hope it helps. Sorry if this message came across as negative, I can see you're a talented writer, I'll definitely be reading and I hope you can keep up this standard or better yet exceed it!

  11. #11
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    TPJ- I am going to add more description later on, and I will add the spaces(It's hard to transition this from Word).
    CK-Thanks! What did you like best?
    GM-The boy and the girl will be named(their names are already in the bio page), I'm going to get someone to make pix of the new pkmn, and I will make a pokedex page. I will also try to describe the battles more. (BTW, as you can see by this chapter, you were right about Tihawk.)
    Here's Chapter 4
    **********************************************************
    Chapter 4: Catching Milcalf

    “Welcome to the Pokémon Center. We restore your tired Pokémon to full health.” said Nurse Joy. “Would you like me to heal your Pokémon?”

    “Yes,” said Rick as he laid the three Poké balls out on the counter. Nurse Joy put them in a machine and turned a knob on it.

    “Your Pokémon have- oh! Your Pokémon don’t have an ID number. Have you registered as a Trainer yet?”

    “No. There was a long line here before.”

    “Do you have your Trainer Card?”

    “Yeah.” Rick handed over his Trainer Card.

    “Let’s fill this out… Name?”

    “Rick Jones.”

    “Date of birth?”

    “May 5th, 2999.”

    “You started your journey today, right?”

    “Yeah.”

    “March 12th, 3010. Alright, now we just need a picture of you…” Nurse Joy took out a camera. “Say cheese!”

    CLICK!

    “OK, you are now a registered Trainer. Your ID number is 65535.”

    “Thanks,” said Rick as he took back his Trainer Card and his Pokémon back from Nurse Joy. “See you later.”
    Rick ran out of the Pokémon Center and went back into the Ahcep Forest. As he walked into the tall grass,
    his PokéCom said:

    <YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WAIT UNTIL THE MORNING. IT IS DANGEROUS HERE AT NIGHT. THE WILD POKéMON ARE MORE AGGRESSIVE.>

    “You sound scared.”

    <I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO HAVE EMOTIONS LIKE FEAR,> argued the PokéCom. <I AM JUST WARNING YOU OF THE DANGERS OF BEING OUT HERE AT NIGHTTIME.>

    “I can’t go back yet. I haven’t been through the whole forest. And besides, I need more Pokémon to take on the Gym Leader.”

    The tall grass swished and as if on cue, a shadowy creature emerged.

    <WILD MURKROW APPEARED. MURKROW, THE DARKNESS POKéMON. MURKROW ARE ATTRACTED TO SHINY OBJECTS, AND THEY
    STEAL THEM FROM PEOPLE PASSING BY THEIR NESTS.>

    “Go Starly!”

    <STARLY?>

    “It needs some training. Use Tackle!”

    “Star!”

    “Mur!” Murkrow retaliated with a Peck attack.

    “Tackle it again!”

    “Lee!”

    <A CRITICAL HIT.>

    “Krow!” Murkrow Pecked Starly again.

    “Use Tackle one more time!”

    “Krow!” Murkrow struck first and Starly flinched as the Darkness Pokémon hit it.

    “What was that?”

    <IT WAS AN ASTONISH. ASTONISH CAN CAUSE A POKéMON TO FLINCH.>

    “I need to catch this. Tackle it one more time!”

    “Staaaa!”

    “Mur…”

    <MURKROW FAINTED. STARLY GREW TO LEVEL 3.>

    “Darn, it fainted.”

    <YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND ANOTHER MURKROW,> said the PokéCom as Rick turned the corner and entered the clearing.

    “I know, but this one was a good fighter. Starly had only one HP left!”

    <WILD HOOTHOOT APPEARED. HOOTHOOT, THE OWL POKéMON. HOOTHOOT STANDS ON ONE FOOT EVEN IF ATTACKED.>

    “Go Shinx!’

    “Shiiinx!”

    <SHINX’S INTIMIDATE CUT HOOTHOOT’S ATTACK.>

    “Use Tackle!”

    “Hoot!” A red beam shot out of Hoothoot’s eyes and landed on Shinx.

    <HOOTHOOT IDENTIFIED SHINX.>

    “That’s a useless move.”

    <ACTUALLY, FORESIGHT MAKES IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR AN ATTACK TO MISS.>

    “Shinx use Tackle!” Hoothoot dodged the attack and Tackled Shinx.

    <SHINX’S ATTACK MISSED.>

    “Tackle again!”

    “Iiiiiiinx!”

    <A CRITICAL HIT!>

    “Hoooooooot!” Hoothoot Tackled Shinx again.

    “One more Tackle!”

    “Shiiiiiiiinx!”

    “Hooo…”

    <HOOTHOOT FAINTED.>

    Rick withdrew his Shinx and continued to walk through the clearing. He came to a crossroads with two paths. “Which one should I take?” he asked the PokéCom.

    <THE PATH ON THE LEFT LEADS TO THE NEXT TOWN. THE FORWARD PATH LEADS BACK TO AHCEP TOWN.>

    “I guess I’ll go forward then.” Rick walked along the path and tripped on something. He picked it up. “A Poké ball? Did someone drop this?”

    <THE POKéMON LEAGUE LEAVES ITEMS ALONG ROUTES FOR NEW TRAINERS TO FIND.>

    “Oh. So I can keep it?”

    <YES.>

    “Now I’ll have five Pokémon to battle the Gym with,” said Rick. “I can catch a Murkrow and a-”

    <WILD MILCALF APPEARED. MILCALF, THE CALF POKéMON. MILCALF TRAVEL IN HERDS WITH THEIR EVOLVED FORMS, MILTANK AND TAUROS.> Milcalf looked like a small brown calf. It was level 4 according to the PokéCom screen.

    “Go Kecleon!”

    “Leon!”

    “Use Lick!”

    “Kec!”

    “Mil!” Milcalf Tackled Kecleon.

    “Kecleon, use Scratch!”

    “Cleon!”

    “Calf!” Milcalf Tackled Kecleon again.

    Kecleon isn’t going to last much longer… “Tackle one more time!”

    “Kec…!”

    “Milca!” Milcalf Tackled Kecleon again.

    “Kec…”

    <KECLEON FAINTED!>

    “Return, Kecleon. You did a good job. Go Shinx!”

    “Shiiiiiiinx!”

    <SHINX’S INTIMIDATE CUT MILCALF’S ATTACK.>

    It’s weak enough to catch now, thought Rick as he threw a Poké ball. Milcalf was absorbed into the sphere.
    It shook once. Twice. A third time. And- Milcalf broke free!

    <MILCALF BROKE FREE!>

    “Mil!” Milcalf charged towards Shinx. Shinx moved to the side.

    <MILCALF’S ATTACK MISSED.>

    Rick threw his last Poké ball at the Milcalf. It shook once. Twice. Come on. Three times. And- …Ding!

    <MILCALF WAS CAUGHT.>

    “Yes!” Rick picked up the Poké ball. He saw that the path was turning to the right and followed it. He
    could see the town from there.

    “I challenge you to a battle!”

    Rick turned around. Hiding in the shadow of a tree was a young boy, about seven years old, wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and a blue cap.

    <YOUNGSTER JEFF WOULD LIKE TO BATTLE!>

    “OK. Go Milcalf!”

    “Mil!”

    “Go Tihawk!”

    “Tihaaaaw!”

    “My brother gave me this Pokémon!” said Jeff. “It won’t lose!”

    “Use Tackle!”

    “Calf!”

    “Tiiiii…”

    <TIHAWK FAINTED.>

    “How did you beat me?! OK, here’s your prize money.

    <JEFF PAID P1000 TO THE WINNER.>

    “See ya,” said Rick as he walked back to the Pokémon Center.

    “Welcome to the Pokémon Center. We restore your tired Pokémon to full health.” said Nurse Joy as Rick
    entered the building. “Would you like me to heal your Pokémon?”

    “Yeah.”

    Nurse Joy put the Poké balls into the machine.

    “Your Pokémon have been restored to full health. I hope to see you again!”

    “It’s too bad I couldn’t catch some more Pokémon,” said Rick as he walked towards the exit.

    <YOU COULD BUY SOME POKé BALLS AT THE POKé MART,> suggested the PokéCom.

    “I could give you a strong Pokémon. For a price.” Rick spun around. A middle-aged man was standing to the left of the door. He was holding a Poké ball.

    “I’ll give this to you for only P500,” the man continued.

    “What is it?” asked Rick.

    “What is it? It’s Magikarp, a very powerful Pokémon.”

    “I’ve never heard of it.”

    “Have you heard of Gyarados?”

    “Yes.” Rick had seen several in battles on TV. They had easily defeated their opponents, and one had even
    beaten Steven, Hoenn’s League Champion.

    “Magikarp evolves into Gyarados. But even unevolved it is a very strong Pokémon. Why, once a young man in Kanto beat the entire Pokémon League with just one Magikarp!”

    “I’ll take it!” said Rick as he handed over P500. The man handed him the Magikarp’s Poké ball.

    “Pleasure doing business with you! No refunds!” shouted the man after Rick as he walked out the door. Rick checked his new Pokémon’s Summary out on the PokéCom. It was only level 1, but would still be a good battler. After all, it was one of the strongest Pokémon ever. It knew Splash, Tackle, Flail, and Bounce.
    Rick walked to the Poké Mart next door.

    “Welcome to the Poké Mart!” said the clerk. We sell many high-quality items. What would you like to buy?”

    “What do you have?”

    “Poké balls for P200 each, Potions for P300 each, Antidotes for P100 each, Parlyz Heals for P200 each,
    Awakenings for P250 each, Escape Ropes for P550 each, and Repels for P350 each.”

    “Hold on a second what do these do?”

    <POTIONS HEAL 20 HP, ANTIDOTES HEAL POISONING, PARLYZ HEALS HEAL PARALYSIS, AWAKENINGS WAKE SLEEPING POKéMON, ESCAPE ROPES TAKE YOU BACK TO THE ENTRANCE OF CAVES, AND REPELS REPEL WILD POKéMON FOR 100 STEPS.>

    “OK, I’ll take five Potions.”

    “Are you sure you don’t want an Antidote? They come in handy.”

    “Nope, that’s it. One Potion per Pokémon.”

    “That will be P1500.” Rick reluctantly handed over the last of his money.

    “Now I can beat the Gym Leader,” said Rick as he walked towards the Gym.

    “Excuse me,” said an old man outside of the Gym. “Are you a Trainer?”

    “Yes.”

    “Then you could use this,” said the old man as he handed a disc to Rick. “I got it for my birthday, but I can’t use it since none of my Pokémon can learn it.”

    “What is it?”

    “It’s the TM 15. If you give it to a Pokémon, it will learn Hyper Beam. It’s one of the strongest attacks!”

    “Thanks!” said Rick. “Which of my Pokémon can learn it?”

    <ONLY MILCALF.>

    “OK then. Go Milcalf!”

    “Mil!” Rick handed the TM to Milcalf. The TM glowed, then shattered.

    <MILCALF LEARNED HYPER BEAM.>

    “Return, Milcalf.” Rick grinned as he walked towards the Gym’s entrance.

    Trainer Log

    Pokémon:

    In Party: Kecleon, Starly, Shinx, Milcalf, and Magikarp.

    In PC: none.

    In Daycare: none.

    Pokédex:

    Seen: 13.

    Owned: 5.

    Items: PokéCom, Potion x5, Trainer Card.

    Money: 0.

    Badges: 0.

    Ribbons: 0.

    Day: 1.
    ***************************************************************************************
    Sorry for the lack of description on Milcalf, I'll have pix soon. So Rick has a Magikrap. I mean Magikarp. Gym battles coming soon!

    So now Rick has a Magikrap. I mean Magikarp. Some Gym battles will be coming soon, so stay tuned.
    Last edited by Kimori-Hinoarashi; 10th January 2010 at 07:26 PM.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  12. #12
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Apparently my character bio page is against the pedia rules, so I'm transfering it to my blog soon.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  13. #13
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Nice chapter, although one piece of advice I would give is that you might want to try skimming over unnecessary details, if you go into the details of every mundane little battle and encounter your fic will end up going nowhere. I know it seems like a good idea when you start out, but if you carry on that way you'll be on chapter 50 and have beaten two gym leaders.

    Also, I like the idea of Milcalf, I've always thought Miltank and Tauros should have some sort of shared pre-evolution, I'm eager to find out which it'll evolve into, either would be cool. (Don't ruin the surprise!)

    Finally, I see you're keeping track of Rick's process like I do with Rival's Story. A word of advice - you might want to try and keep track of his Pokedex progress with some kind of Microsoft Excel document, I tried keeping track myself originally but it got too hard once Blue had seen more than 20 Pokemon. Anyway, good chapter, keep it up.

  14. #14
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Chapter 5: The Ahcep Gym

    As Rick walked towards the door, he saw a sign taped to it. He shined the light from the PokéCom. It said:

    GYM CLOSED

    “What?! It can’t be closed!”

    <GYM LEADERS NEED SLEEP TOO. I SUGGEST THAT YOU PLAN A STRATEGY UNTIL IT OPENS IN THE MORNING.>

    “Where will I sleep?”

    <THERE’S A HOTEL ON THE WESTERN SIDE OF TOWN.>

    As Rick walked past the Gym, he shone the light from the PokéCom onto a signpost next to the Gym.

    AHCEP GYM LEADER: YOSHIMARU, THE TOXIC MASTER OF POISONOUS POKéMON.

    Rick checked in to the Ahcep Hotel, and set the alarm clock to 5 a.m. He
    went to bed thinking of how to counter poison types. No wonder the
    PokéMart clerk asked me if I wanted to buy some Antidotes. How well could my Pokémon do against Poison-types? Kecleon would be hard to KO with its ability, but it doesn’t know any super-effective moves. It could paralyze them with Lick, though. Starly, Shinx, Milcalf, and Magikarp don’t know any super-effective moves either, but Milcalf knows Hyper Beam. And it was really strong. And so is Magikarp.
    Rick drifted off to sleep, his dreams filled with Poison-types slowly poisoning his Pokémon and leaving him defeated.

    RING!

    Rick groaned as he woke up and pressed the SNOOZE button on the alarm clock. He got dressed and picked up the five Poké balls from the nightstand. Today's the day that I’ll beat this Gym, he thought.

    As he ran into the Gym, a man standing in the doorway said:

    “Wait!”

    “What is it?”

    “You need to know the rules of the Gym before charging in! The Gym Leader
    will use the same amount of Pokémon and items as you, and his Pokémon will be the same level. See that purple light?”

    “Yeah.” It was coming from a light shaped like a Poké ball.

    “That poisons your Pokémon. Don’t worry, Yoshimaru will heal them when you reach him. But to do that, you must first fight two Trainers, and make it through this maze.”

    In the dim purple light of the Gym, Rick could see a narrow tunnel leading off into the darknees. “Anything else?”

    “I would use Ground or Psychic-type Pokémon if I were you. Or Steel-types, since they are immune to poisoning.”

    “OK, thanks!” Rick walked into the maze.

    The maze went forward for a long time. Rick had to stop and rest a few times because his legs were getting sore. After a while, he saw a light at the end of the maze. Well, it’s not really a maze. More of a tunnel.

    Rick walked out into the light. He was in a jungle, and the light came from gaps in the canopy above him. He saw several paths, each leading in a different direction. He decided to keep going forward, and as he stepped onto the path-

    “Halt! I challenge you to a battle!”

    <NINJA BOY YASU WOULD LIKE TO BATTLE.>

    Rick turned to his right, and saw a young boy dressed in a makeshift ninja outfit. It was completely green, letting him blend in with the forset around him.

    “Go Koffing!” said Yasu.

    “Go Kecleon!”

    “Keeec…” Rick realized that Kecleon had hardly any health yet. The poison had slowly hurt it throughout the long walk through the tunnel.

    “Yoshimaru himself gave me this Koffing! It is unstoppable!”

    “Kecleon, use Scratch!”

    “Leooon…”

    “Koffing, use Poison Gas!” A purple cloud of gas shot out of Koffing’s
    holes. It surrounded Kecleon.

    <KECLEON IS ALREADY POISONED! KECLEON IS HURT BY POISON!> Rick realized
    with horror that Kecleon only had 1 HP left!

    “Scratch again!”

    “Kec…Leon…”

    <KOFFING FAINTED. KECLEON IS HURT BY POISON. KECLEON FAINTED.>

    “Return,” said Yasu. “Go Ekans!”

    “Go Starly! Use Tackle!”

    “Lee…”

    “Use Leer!”

    <STARLY’S DEFENSE FELL.>

    “Hey, how come Starly isn’t poisoned?!”

    <WHEN A POISONED POKéMON HAS ONLY 1 HP LEFT OUT OF BATTLE, THE CONDITION GOES AWAY.>

    “Use another Tackle!”

    “Staaaa…”

    “Leer again!”

    <STARLY’S DEFENSE FELL.>

    “Tackle!”

    “Lee…”

    “Now use Poison Sting!”

    <EKANS’ ATTACK MISSED!>

    “Tackle!”

    “Ar…”

    “Kans…”

    <EKANS FAINTED! STARLY GREW TO LEVEL FOUR. YASU PAID P1500 TO THE WINNER.>

    “You beat me! You may be able to stand a chance against Yoshimaru.” Said
    Yasu. Then the Ninja Boy disappeared into the forest. Rick checked the
    status of his Pokémon.

    “Great.” Kecleon was unconscious; Starly, Shinx, and Magikarp all had 1 HP left. Milcalf, however, still had 10 HP left, and was still poisoned. Rick kept moving along the forward path.

    “How long have I been in here for?”

    <ABOUT TWO HOURS AND THIRTY FIVE MINUTES.>

    “Great. Just great.” said Rick. Then he fell into a pit.

    “What the heck?!!!” shouted Rick.

    “I caught a Trainer!” said a voice from the darkness. “I challenge you to a battle!”

    <NINJA BOY LAO WOULD LIKE TO BATTLE.> Rick could see the outline of a figure in the gloom.

    “Go Skorupi!”

    “Go Shinx!”

    “I’ve trained this Skorupi for months! It could never fail!”

    “Shinx, Tackle!”

    “Innn…”

    “Skorupi, use Bite!”

    “Ruuuuuuuuupi!”

    <SHINX FAINTED.>

    “Go Milcalf! Use Hyper Beam!”

    “Miiil…” A powerful glowing beam of multicolored energy shot out of Milcalf’s mouth. “CAAAAAAAAAAAAAALF!”

    <SKORUPI FAINTED. MILCALF GREW TO LEVEL FIVE. LAO PAID P1600 TO THE WINNER.>

    “Good battle, but if you dare to challenge me again, I will destroy you!”
    There was a dramatic flash of light, and when Rick opened his eyes again, no one was there. A light turned on, and an eerie purple glow lit the room. There was a long passageway with a ladder leading upstairs at the end of it. As Rick walked towards the ladder-

    <WILD GRIMER APPEARED!>

    “What?! What’s a Grimer doing here?!!”

    <APPARENTLY YOSHIMARU PUT WILD POKéMON IN THIS PASSAGE TO CHALLENGE TRAINERS. THERE ARE RUMORS THAT HE DOESN’T LIKE BEING CALLED THE “EASIEST GYM LEADER TO DEFEAT.” HE HAS SOME ISSUES ABOUT INSULTS TO HIS PRIDE.>

    “Go Milcalf! Use Hyper Beam!”

    “Miiiiiiiil…CAAAAAAAAALF!”

    “Griii…”

    <GRIMER FAINTED.>

    “I wish I had bought some Repel,” said Rick. He ran to the ladder with
    many Grimer chasing him, with more emerging from the shadows. He quickly climbed up the ladder and into a stadium. A white light was shining down on him, and he saw a Poké ball shaped light on the ceiling.

    <YOUR POKéMON WERE FULLY HEAL->

    “Electrike! Use Leer!” interupted the girl who had taken the Electrike.
    Rick could see that he had walked in during the middle of a battle.

    “Trike!” said the Shiny Pokémon as it glared at the Pokémon at the other side of the arena. Rick had never seen it before. It had green scales and snakelike things protruding from its skull. Oddly enough, it wore a pair of purple goggles.

    <<GORDUSA’S DEFENSE FELL,>> said a metalic voice. Rick looked up and saw a large electronic scoreboard with speakers on its sides. It had the HP of both Pokémon, and that thing-Gordusa, the scoreboard had called it- had hardly any health left. Electrike, however, had about two-thirds of its health. There were six Poké ball symbols on each side of the board. Only one of the Poké balls on the Gym Leader’s side was lit up, while two were on the girl’s side.

    “Gordusa, use Sludge Bomb!”

    “Duuuuusaaaaaa!” The strange creature shot a purple glob out of its mouth. The HP bar on the board went down.

    <<ELECTRIKE WAS POISONED!>>

    “Now use Tackle, Electrike!”

    “Triiiiiike!” As the blue Pokémon collided with Gordusa, the strange thing
    fainted.

    “Congratulations, Trinity,” said the Gym Leader as he withdrew his Pokémon. “You have bested me. Here is the Sludge Badge. Keep it as a reminder of the powers of Poison-types, and as a memento of this spectacular battle. Now that you have this Badge, your Pokémon can use HM01. And this is the TM36. It contains the powerful Poison-type move." Trinity walked up and took the Badge from Yoshimaru.

    “Thanks,” she said, and walked out a door in the back of the stadium.

    “Next!” Rick saw with dismay that the two Trainers that he had battled in the forest were already there, and he would have to wait until they were done battling for his chance to battle.

    Trainer Log
    Pokémon:

    In Party: Kecleon, Starly, Shinx, Milcalf, and Magikarp.

    In PC: none.

    In Daycare: none.

    Pokédex:

    Seen: 18.

    Owned: 5.

    Items: PokéCom, Potion x5, Trainer Card.

    Money: P2100.

    Badges: 0.

    Ribbons: 0.

    Day: 2.

    *****************************************************
    The next two chapters will be from a different Trainers perspective. And they'll both be Gym battles. And you'll finally learn the names of the kids that Rick battled.
    Last edited by Kimori-Hinoarashi; 25th January 2010 at 06:14 PM.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  15. #15
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Legendary Journey

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastlys Mama View Post
    Nice chapter, although one piece of advice I would give is that you might want to try skimming over unnecessary details, if you go into the details of every mundane little battle and encounter your fic will end up going nowhere. I know it seems like a good idea when you start out, but if you carry on that way you'll be on chapter 50 and have beaten two gym leaders.

    Also, I like the idea of Milcalf, I've always thought Miltank and Tauros should have some sort of shared pre-evolution, I'm eager to find out which it'll evolve into, either would be cool. (Don't ruin the surprise!)

    Finally, I see you're keeping track of Rick's process like I do with Rival's Story. A word of advice - you might want to try and keep track of his Pokedex progress with some kind of Microsoft Excel document, I tried keeping track myself originally but it got too hard once Blue had seen more than 20 Pokemon. Anyway, good chapter, keep it up.
    Good idea about the Excel thing. Don't worry, most Gym battles will be 1 to 3 chapters. Normally only 1, but this one will be two for Rick. Also, I won't always show his rivals battling, either. Also, if you look closely you'll see which Milcalf will evolve into (It's a small, hard to notice detail in the description of Milcalf). I do plan to have things speed up a bit after chapter 8 (and later on when he gets Fly.)
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

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