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Thread: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou *Resumed*

  1. #1
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou *Resumed*



    This Banner is Quite Large, featuring the Legendary Helpers of the Player (Like palkia, Creesilia, dialga), so i put it in spoiler.



    Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou is a fanfic about a newly hatched raikou who teams up with his friends to form a exploration team. Currently is Season 1, Till Chapter 10
    Currently Planned Seasons:
    Season 1, Till Chapter 10- Quest for the Dark Sky
    Season 2, Till Chapter 20- Earthquake of the Town

    This story is set:

    Five years after Red/Blue Rescue Team
    Two Years after Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky

    Main Characters:
    Raikou- The main protagonist.
    Riolu- His mother and raikou mother lived along but were captured. so raikou and riolu began their journey together alone.
    Moltres- A Freindly moltres freind of Infernape, who always walks alongside or rides on moltres, but he likes it.
    Infernape- A friendly infernape who along with moltres and a member of raikou's team.
    Team Skull- Gengar, Koffig and Zubat, the minor antagonists have changed a bit. Skultank was assigned to another team in wigglytuff's guild and the gengar from red/blue rescue team had taken over the team. and zubat and koffig are happy with the new leader and are more happy for skultank leaving...
    Duskull and Groovyle, Team Future- they are now a good exploration team.
    Legendary Pokemon All Legendary pokemon are main characters who are either good or bad, or might change sides like primal dialga and duskull.
    Dragon Trio- They Help Team Teeth (Raikou's Team and others) on their quest for the dark sky (season 1, till chapter 10) Afterward, they only come in final battles along with Champion Teams.

    Prologue
    It was early morning, and it was still dark. A Lucario and Raikou talked to each other, in front of two eggs. they were also talking to a Infernape and a Moltres, who had eggs in their paws.
    ''So, yeah! wait!! i smell and hear steps!'' Infernape said.''HUMANS! Take the eggs! hide!''
    ''Hey! four pokemon! two of them are legendary! capture them!'' an person wearing a black dress with an "R" said. Team Rocket captured the four, who left their eggs behind. They roared, screamed, used attacks but no avail. At morning, one of the eggs hatches into a riolu. then two more eggs hatch into moltres and infernape, with one remaining. they talk to each other, then see the last egg hatching.
    ''Its! Its! A Raikou!'' Riolu says.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    The prologue was short, but i promise the chapters will be little long.
    Last edited by Shadow Raikou; 19th March 2011 at 04:13 AM.

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  2. #2
    Ugh...Spriting got Boring FungusbubbleZ's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    Ok... So far the story is pretty good, but there are some minor grammatical errors like in this,
    ''Hey! four pokemon! two of them are legendary! capture them!'' an person wearing a black dress with an "R" said. Team Rocket captured the four, who left their eggs behind.
    Every new sentence should start with a Capital Letter! Yea I'm a Grammar Nazi. And, its "A" person, not an person.
    Also, I think you should put more detail in. When you said Team Rocket kidnapped them, they were yet to be introduced. It might be obvious that someone who has Black Clothes with an "R" on them is in Team Rocket, but it might not be so clear to others.
    I don't think these matter that much anyway...
    I liked how you ended the prologue since it wants us to read the next chapter and find out what happens next, which I think is pretty important in a fic, but what do I know. This is only the second time I've rated one of these.

    Good Work So Far!

    I Claim Staraptor!


  3. #3
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    I currently have two fics running, including this, so thanks! the heroes leave the continent in which red rescue team and blue rescue team was and they head for explores of time, darkness and sky one.

    Heres Chapter 1: Meet Team Skull

    A few days have been passed since the hatching of raikou, And they decide to go across the planet, To enter wigglytuff's guild. Long way there so they try to go across the ocean in a raft.

    "Its been 1 day and we've lost sight of our forest and we're surrounded by water all sides" says Moltres."Thanks to that Sweet Pichu and pikachu who gave us the map. We are heading for treasure town, and will pass through hidden land, By gosh its not really hidden"

    "No! Its hidden! The map says that we are already passing through hidden land but we cant see anything beside some pelippers flying in the sky!" says Infernape Gasping. Then Raikou suddenly goes to the edge of the raft, and puts his face in water. he spots a group of chinchou.

    "Our God! Our Protector! All Worship Raikou!" The only Lanturn says.

    Then raikou puts his face out and says "They know my Name!! They worshiped me!".

    "It will happen alot when you grow up. its strange it was happening in young age" Moltres says.

    "Wait. Is that another raft coming to us? A Gengar, a Zubat and a Koffig!" riolu Screams.

    "Haha! Another Group of explorers! Take their bag! We're Team skull, and will process your bag for another 7 days for eternity" Gengar says. Before Anyone else could say, they went off.

    "Darn It! wait! A Continent! it has a shape of sharpedo! We Reached Treasure Town!" Moltres says.

    "I think a storm is approaching..." Raikou Warns.

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  4. #4
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    Your chapters are a bit short... not much really happens in them...

    ...also, your capitalization is inconsistent. Not just of Pokémon names, but of other words.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  5. #5
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    You have a good idea--you just need to tell us more about it.

    What does Raikou look like? What does Riolu look like? What does the forest look like? Details help bring the story to life.

    Try this: Pretend I'm not familiar with Pokemon--how would you describe Raikou and Riolu to me?
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  6. #6
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    Quote Originally Posted by LightningTopaz View Post
    You have a good idea--you just need to tell us more about it.

    What does Raikou look like? What does Riolu look like? What does the forest look like? Details help bring the story to life.

    Try this: Pretend I'm not familiar with Pokemon--how would you describe Raikou and Riolu to me?
    Raikou is all yellow, with V shaped stripes on its body. he has a X plate on his face, Long Teeth and a purple cloud on it back. In rather way, look at my avatar.

    Riolu is totally hard to describe like lucario so sorry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekurom View Post
    Your chapters are a bit short... not much really happens in them...

    ...also, your capitalization is inconsistent. Not just of Pokémon names, but of other words.
    Yes, they might get longer but i dont write much. Chapter 2: Treasure Town is coming in 20 minutes!

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  7. #7
    Registered User Ian D.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    Don't hesitate to wait for longer periods between releases if it means longer chapters. People are willing to wait.


    Thanks to ShinySandshrew of serebiiforums for the banner!

  8. #8
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    ok. ill post it tommorow.

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  9. #9
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    If you need practice describing, get a picture of the Pokemon and write down what it looks like--you have a nice start with Raikou:

    Raikou is all yellow, with V shaped stripes on its body. he has a X plate on his face, Long Teeth and a purple cloud on it back.
    While still simple, it at least tells us what Raikou looks like
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  10. #10
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    Okay. So what do you like about the fic? and the forest....is a forest.

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  11. #11
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    You have an original idea, at least
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  12. #12
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    yeah. gengar is gonna make much more trouble then it did in rb. and that was already much but totally less then what dusknoir did.

    This story is set:

    Five years after Red/Blue Rescue Team
    Two Years after Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky

    Gengar was in jail for 4 years........ Because of nearly killing the hero pokemon of Red/Blue Rescue Team.

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  13. #13
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    It's original because in every MD game, the hero is a common Pokemon--not a Legendary.
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  14. #14
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    I use cheats to warp to raikou and lvl 100!

    Anyways, all people will soon learn not to treat raikou as legendary, because he doesn't even know what the hell is legendary.

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  15. #15
    Ghost Type Master MasqueradeOfSilence's Avatar
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    Default Re: Legend of Thunder- The Tale of a Young Raikou

    First off: Yay! You used a Raikou! That automatically makes a fic awesome (because I'm using one! Haha).

    However, you should be careful with your capitalization. "Gasping," "Worship," and "Group" are not proper nouns, while "Chinchou" and "Wigglytuff" are.

    Okay. So what do you like about the fic? and the forest....is a forest.
    Your idea is great. So is your execution; it's just a bit hard to read because of the capitalization errors and that sort of thing.

    As for the forest...Think of the sights, sounds, smells, etc. Sensory imagery. You may hear the chirrup of Starly or the grim caw of a Murkrow in the bushes. I always like to use similes when describing things, but that's not necessary. The trees...well, you could obviously add that they're green and if they stand in rows or they're scattered.
    Also: the forest's weather. Is it sunny, cloudy, etc.? Excessive description isn't mandatory, but it's always nice.

    Tenses - don't switch from past to present; stay consistent.

    I hope I don't sound harsh! :) I love your story haha. Just work on describing and keep it up. I should be on the lookout for more!

    Edit: Oh, they worship him...That is awesome, haha!
    And now a storm's coming...should be interesting to see what happens next.
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