EVERYONE: The Legend of Spiritomb
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  1. #1
    Registered User mrt98's Avatar
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    Default The Legend of Spiritomb

    Please DON'T read the spoilers until post 22. I've rewritten all of it.


    This is purely my creation. It contains shippings. It starts off with Pokeshipping, and eventually adds Dewshipping(Latios and Bianca). Please give constuctive criticism if that is your wish. I'll probably rate this 11+, for slightly more mature people, because 3 or 4 chapters go off-topic, and do almost nothing to the story. Diamond and Pearl are based off (you guessed it) Diamond and Pearl of the Pokemon Adventures manga
    .
    AN: Hi. This is my story. It is based when Ash leaves Unova and goes home to Kanto, only to find old friends, rivals, and even an old girlfriend!
    Lucas is 14, Dawn, Michael and Ash are 13 and Misty is 15. Jok is 11. Diamond and Pearl (you'll meet them later) are almost 14.


    I'll add more chapters soon!
    Last edited by mrt98; 23rd November 2011 at 07:05 PM.
    I still think that Ho-oh is just some random Shiny Fearow. If you think this too, Yay!


    My Platinum team ROCKS! It has 1 loss, every 16 wins against full legendary lvl 100 teams! If you think you can beat me, PM Me!

  2. #2
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    jok or joke? har har har sorry

  3. #3

    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    Poked in on this one cause I like to walk in on fics just as they're getting started.

    My main recommendation would be to space the lines of text just so it doesn't look like a big wall, it can be really intimidating and lose you readers from the outset.

    Another technical thing is that generally when writing prose, actually writing out the word of a number is preferred to using its arabic numeral for amounts under one hundred.

    That aside, your explanation of Spiritomb's creation was interesting and I'll be waiting to see how it plays into the action now taking place in the present.

  4. #4
    Registered User mrt98's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    It's Jok. I didn't see that joke coming.
    Thanks for the feed back, SuperTrainStationH. I kind of got the idea from the fact that the Pokedex states that they were both banished for 'crimes'. I thought that maybe they were connected.
    On to the next chapter!

    CHAPTER 2
    Last edited by mrt98; 16th June 2011 at 10:48 PM. Reason: adding spoiler button
    I still think that Ho-oh is just some random Shiny Fearow. If you think this too, Yay!


    My Platinum team ROCKS! It has 1 loss, every 16 wins against full legendary lvl 100 teams! If you think you can beat me, PM Me!

  5. #5
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    Nice start! I like the idea.

    One suggestion though, would be to add more description to the dialog. Right now, your story is 90% back and forth dialog. Maybe add some imagery for the reader to better picture what is happening in your story. How are they feeling as the story goes? What is going on around them?

    If you add some more meat to the story's bones, I think this will be really good!

    Keep up the good work.

    Coming Soon...

  6. #6
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    and suddenly the stair case appeared that lead to arceus and lucas caught it (spoiler alert)
    who caught girratina?

  7. #7
    User #50,000 Mr Metagross's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    This seems a little suspicious.

    They've just agreed to climb an enormous mountain of "unimaginable scale". They should probably act a little more like teenagers; adolescent, to be exact. I'm a teenage guy and I wouldn't have just agreed to go hiking 1500 metres.

    You should double space the dialogue as well.

    There is too much speech and too little narrative/description, to echo what Legacy said.

    "!" is not speech and I don't think that should be there. Again, description could have fared well here.

    Ch.2 ended a little anticlimactically.
    Dawn played the Azure Flute.........
    a) Too many ellipses;
    b) No description;
    c) You should have probably continued on to say something else. Simply "Dawn played the Azure Flute..." isn't enough to end a chapter on.
    d) I think you introduced Arceus WAY too early. Most people don't even physically show, in some cases don't even mention, Arceus in their fics.

    Both chapters didn't flow smoothly. It all felt hasty and rushed. Always take your time on these kinds of things.

    "G-G-Giratina? Oh, NO!!!!" Cynthia was mortified.
    "Mortified" means highly embarrassed. Not terrified, like Cynthia sounds.

    Your battles are too fast that I can't keep up with them and reading this fic becomes a challenge. Reading should never be difficult. Your spelling is fine; but that's not the factor that defines a fic "good".

    Just out of interest, what're your favourite books?
    Look, I make music! Yay!

  8. #8
    Registered User mrt98's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    Michael and Cynthia share Giratina, as Michael is based off the D/P/Pt male player charicter.
    BTW, Cynthia is embarrassed. She helped capture it.
    I am going to post the next chapter. Thanks for the feedback. This one is kind of short, so I'll put a longer one on next.

    Last edited by mrt98; 19th June 2011 at 01:41 AM.
    I still think that Ho-oh is just some random Shiny Fearow. If you think this too, Yay!


    My Platinum team ROCKS! It has 1 loss, every 16 wins against full legendary lvl 100 teams! If you think you can beat me, PM Me!

  9. #9
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    Quote Originally Posted by mrt98 View Post
    Michael and Cynthia share Giratina, as Michael is based off the D/P/Pt male player charicter.
    BTW, Cynthia is embarrassed. She helped capture it.
    I am going to post the next chapter. Thanks for the feedback. This one is kind of short, so I'll put a longer one on next.

    oooh a twist is ash gonna use aura huh huh?
    okay with my personal opinion out of the way who is lucas based off then if micheal is based off the D/P/Pt hero?
    AURA

  10. #10
    Registered User mrt98's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    Lucas is my own creation. He has his own personality, and his outfit is based off the RSE male player charicter, however, he has the same style and colour hair as the DPPt player charicter.
    Here is the next two chapters as one, for their shortness.

    I still think that Ho-oh is just some random Shiny Fearow. If you think this too, Yay!


    My Platinum team ROCKS! It has 1 loss, every 16 wins against full legendary lvl 100 teams! If you think you can beat me, PM Me!

  11. #11
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    okay finally! another chapter and since when did ash's bulbasaur change it's mind and want to evolve? pikachu in a pokeball where did you get that logic? Ash never loses a battle on purpose just so know (in case you skip every battle he ever made) [except for a very good reason) and by new team was that sarcasm, 'cause he came back from unvoa shouldn't at least one unvoa pokemon be there? and where on earth did arceus come from? and what does it mean did what it must? but i digress this is still a; you did watch at least 1 season from the anime, i know beating lvl100 ledgenderys is hard but honestly! anyway i digress this is still a good story, and how do ash and jok know each other? any way these are just bumps in the road to a perfect story,
    Last edited by Nour386; 23rd June 2011 at 02:52 AM.

  12. #12
    Registered User mrt98's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    Didn't you read the first chapter? Jok's last name is Ketchum! Ash does occasionally lose, but he always makes up an excuse for it. Ash does not yet know the meaning of sarcasm, thats why it's funny. Just about everything else, will be revealed... On to the next chapter!(this is where it becomes 11+, because not many people under that age would know what is going on.)

    Last edited by mrt98; 1st July 2011 at 05:19 AM.
    I still think that Ho-oh is just some random Shiny Fearow. If you think this too, Yay!


    My Platinum team ROCKS! It has 1 loss, every 16 wins against full legendary lvl 100 teams! If you think you can beat me, PM Me!

  13. #13
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    uhh this 'new' chapter is just a reapet of the last you noticed?

  14. #14
    Registered User mrt98's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    yeah, sorry about that. I've just noticed, and my error is now fixed.
    I still think that Ho-oh is just some random Shiny Fearow. If you think this too, Yay!


    My Platinum team ROCKS! It has 1 loss, every 16 wins against full legendary lvl 100 teams! If you think you can beat me, PM Me!

  15. #15
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Legend of Spiritomb

    I'm still pointing out that Ash NEVER puts pikachu in a pokebLL BECAUSE PIKACHU DOSEN'T WANT TO BE IN ONE

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