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  1. #31
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    You had me from the DK reference at the beginning :P

    As ever expected Legacy, your writing form is top notch, with almost no issues. Very easy to read with a great description bringing us into the world you are spinning.

    I like the introduction of the feudal-esque village, which was well done and presented effectively. Obviously plot-wise there isn't much to say, but the characters seem to have been set up well it seems, with plenty of thought behind them and plenty of room to expand.

    My only slight gripe was with the Persian, where you state that:

    Entering through the open door, a large, snow white creature with amazingly bright sapphire-like eyes stood before Ren
    Don't Persian's have red eyes? wouldn't the phrase "amazingly bright ruby-like eyes" be more fitting? Of course if i'm mistaken disregard everything i just said :P


    Overall, great start and i can't wait to continue reading!
    Thanks so much for the review, @some colour no doubt;

    Yes, like mentioned above, my story is not based on any canon and I will be taking some artistic liberties with things that people will notice if they read. I won't give those things away, but think of this story as merely "based" on the Pokemon concept.

  2. #32
    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    So how's the next chapter coming along, Legacy? Not meaning to rush you, just curious.

  3. #33
    Go Niners! Akari's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    I second that!!

  4. #34
    Sweet Kiss! SwampertShoes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Ah! I'm glad I caught this early on too! Hi Legacy, it's nice to meet you. ^^

    I am one to agree with many of the things said. Your writing is fluent, I really got into it, and your dialogue is wonderful! I adore dialogue, aha. The way Kenji and Ren cared about each other and still got in casual bicker and all was rather lovely, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty sure you were spot on with their friendship, because of the way they disregarded something minorly crude the other said and got along. I adored the idea of the hornets' nest, and the way Ren passed out and ended up in the new world. Much more creative than a black hole or something of the sort, as NoirGrimoir said! I think Ren reacted like any person of his character would have, making him very relatable. ^^

    My only urk are the Pokemon descriptions, as some others have mentioned. I see that you're loosely basing the looks of these Pokemon on the ones in the "modern era," but I want to ask for clarity, is there a jewel on the Persian's forehead, or is that not in the medieval era? Y'know, just to give more perspicuity to the readers. =] Perhaps the black/other color edging to their ears are still evident? Or maybe some more description of its body, to give more of a "fleshed out" look rather than any panther one might think of, or thick paws, or even the curl in its tail. =] Just some ideas. Overall, it's really fun, and I can't wait to see where it's going to go. ^^ I can feel it with my spidey senses...it's gonna be a good adventure! *Laughs*
    Last edited by SwampertShoes; 5th February 2013 at 09:44 PM.
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    ~I'm here without you, baby
    But you're still on my lonely mind
    I think about you, baby
    And I dream about you all the time~

  5. #35
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Next chapter is in the works. Nearly half done. Should be ready in a few days, hopefully.

    Thanks @SwampertShoes; for reading! I will work on the descriptions of the monsters.

  6. #36
    Sweet Kiss! SwampertShoes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    No problem, @Legacy! =] And you do that! :D No pressure in getting it finished fast. Take your time. =]
    ~I'm here without you, baby
    But you're still on my lonely mind
    I think about you, baby
    And I dream about you all the time~

  7. #37
    Go Niners! Akari's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    But don't take TOO much time ;)

  8. #38
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Haha. It's coming together. Not long now.

  9. #39
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (Three)

    I have decided to re-kindle this story!


    Three
    Sis and Bro




    Ren gazed in awe as the huge bird disappeared into the dazzling blue distance. Again, Ren figured he must be dreaming. He violently shook his head as though to somehow jar himself awake, but the throbbing pain from his bandaged head wound felt all too real. Wincing with a mixture of pain and utter confusion over the situation, Ren did his best to gather himself as Elder Pa's strong voice continued to echo throughout the village square.

    "From the Monarch of Borane..." the elder recited from the scroll of parchment the bird had delivered. "Loyal subjects of our vast, peaceful nation, greetings from the throne in Golden City..."

    Ren sighed. He felt like he had been dropped in the middle of a Hollywood movie set. He watched Elder Pa as he kept reading to the crowd.

    "... Borane, with all her beautiful and bountiful lands, seas and skies, is a region of unity, togetherness and harmony. We, her sons and daughters, are one people, one family. United as we are, the time has come to recognize those who seek glory for whichever village, town or city he or she calls home. Thusly, it is with pleasure that I deem this day to mark the beginning of the official Grand Quest of Borane!"

    Excited chatter erupted from all around Ren. Grand Quest of Borane? Ren glanced over at Sora, hoping for some kind of whispered explanation, but the boy was paying no attention to him. Ren had to laugh at how beside himself with delight Sora looked.

    "... The time has arrived for each of Borane's villages, towns and cities to send their sponsored sons and daughters into the night in hopes that they return home as the Champion with a new life full of fame and riches! Let the Grand Quest of Borane commence!"

    More boisterous cheers emanated from the Masara citizens. Elder Pa put the scroll down and, with a twinkle in his eye, smiled at the crowd.

    "Masara is a proud village," he said. "The opportunity the Monarch provides is generous. The time has come for our two brave Masaran sons to begin their journeys!"

    Ren couldn't do anything but chuckle to himself. This couldn't be real, but the shivers and goosebumps on his arms gave him away as intrigued by this so-called quest for glory.

    "Talbut, son of Archer!" Elder Pa announced to the crowd's delight.

    From across the village square, Ren watched a strapping young man of probably eighteen with blonde mane and blacksmith's arms stand and approach the stage. A solemn expression sat on Talbut's strong-jawed face as he stepped up before the elder. Ren assumed Talbut was one of the two Masarans that had been chosen to go on this quest, whatever it was. He was a good choice, Ren figured. Talbut had the look of a warrior in his forest green cloak, and regardless of what the Grand Quest entailed, he seemed formidable.

    Ren was about to turn to Sora to try again asking what exactly was going on when Elder Pa turned back to the crowd.

    "... And our second traveler, Sora, son of Hudson!"

    Ren saw that Sora was trying hard to mask the look of sheer glee on his face. In stark contrast to the dignified-looking Talbut, Sora practically bounded back up onto the stage next to Talbut and Elder Pa.

    "My sons, you have been chosen as heroes of our village," Elder Pa said when Sora had reached them. "The Monarch himself has promised extravagant riches to the victor of his Grand Quest. Such spoils would promise that our children would never suffer from hunger and our sick and diseased would be cared for. While Masara is no loveless merchant town obsessed with imported goods, such riches would allow us to flourish, to live on without fear."

    Sora and Talbut both wore hardened expressions at these words. The crowd all around the square stood silent. Ren saw many of the villagers with unmistakable looks of admiration and hope. Even though Ren still had no clue what was happening, he could tell that whatever this was, it was a big deal to these people.

    Three men wearing similar garb as Elder Pa walked up onto the stage, each carrying in their arms a large clay pot the size of a grocery bag.

    "Talbut and Sora, Masara is proud of your bravery and sacrifice. To aid you on your journey, we villagers who were able, combined resources to buy gifts for both of you."

    Talbut was stone-faced and Sora was wide-eyed as they each were handed a clay pot. They each set them down on the ground in front of them.

    "Hatchlings, purchased from Golden City," Elder Pa said with a smile.

    Talbut reached into his clay pot and carefully removed something, cradling it like a newborn. It took Ren a second to realize that it was actually some sort of animal: a small, green reptilian creature with stumps for legs and a strange green bulb growing on its back. It looked like a miniature dragon wearing an onion.

    "Talbut, we grant to you the power of the Half-Plant Lizard, one of the rarest and awe-inspiring creatures on our planet. May you and he form a fearsome duo and find ample success in harnessing his powers."

    Ren had never seen anything like it, not even on television. The rest of Masara must have felt the same way because a reverent silence rang loudly as though the creature in Talbut's arms wasn't a very common sight.

    "Sora," Elder Pa said and gestured towards the younger boy.

    Sora too lifted out a tiny living thing from the pot. It looked different from Talbut's, although it was also reptilian. Ren craned his neck and saw that Sora was holding what looked like a blue turtle with a red shell.

    "Young Sora, we offer you the power of the Armored Water-Breather, a creature who embodies the power of crashing seas. May you unleash his potential and reap the rewards on your quest together."

    Sora looked like a little boy who had just been given the greatest birthday present ever. His grin was wide, his unkempt red hair like a dancing fire. He hugged the reptile as if it was his own infant son.

    "Thank you, Edler Pa!" Sora stammered excitedly. "I will protect him with my life."

    "Indeed. And in return, with proper training and care, he will undoubtedly offer the same protection to you during your quest, my son."

    Elder Pa gave another smile and gestured for the Masaran villagers to offer their appreciation once more to Talbut and Sora on stage. In unison, every man, woman and child in the audience placed their right hands over their hearts and made fists. Ren assumed it was some sort of traditional salute, and he clumsily copied them as Talbut and Sora stood proudly and accepted.

    After the villagers had finished showing their respect, Sora looked around looking as though he had a question in mind.

    "Elder Pa?" asked Sora shyly, clearly aware of all the eyes trained on him.

    "My son?"

    "What lies within that third container?" Sora replied, pointing to the third cloaked man.

    Elder Pa chuckled and glanced out into the crowd, scanning eyes until his fell upon Ren's. It was as though everyone in attendance was holding their breath in anticipation.

    "Our young Sora's observation is correct. A third kettle sits before us. Inside this container lies a third and final hatchling from Golden City. The other elders and I had intended to raise it here in Masara, but in light of the arrival of our esteemed guest, Ren, and his heroic exploits, the elders and I wish to award this hatchling to him."

    Rumblings of approval and excitement came from the crowd, which eased Ren's nerves, although he was still flabbergasted by the entire scene. He looked over at Sora, who looked overjoyed. Elder Pa extended his hand to Ren, who felt his knees shaking as he walked back up onto the stage and stood next to the other two boys.

    "Master Ren," Pa said. "Please accept this as a token of Masara's gratitude. You are obviously free to do with it as you see fit, but our village would be honored if you too participated in this Grand Quest as our patron."

    The cloaked man set down the final clay container in front of Ren's feet. Ren looked down and saw a third reptilian curled up and asleep at the bottom. This lizard had no bulb or shell on its back. It had red, scaly skin and looked like a tiny dinosaur. Sensing the crowd was yearning to see the third hatchling, Ren carefully reached down and scooped up the sleeping creature. He held it up for all to see. Sora looked ready to explode with a mixture of elation and jealousy.

    "This," Elder Pa explained, "is the Fire Dragon, one of the most revered and powerful creatures in our world. Their kind can be temperamental and difficult to train, but once mastered, Fire Dragons are lauded for their loyalty and ferocity."

    Almost instantly, a peculiar thing happened when Ren lifted the tiny Fire Dragon into the air. It immediately awoke revealing a pair of ruby-red eyes, and to Ren's amazement, a vibrant blue and orange fire the size of a cigarette lighter flame ignited at the tip of its tail. It hissed and opened its jaws, spitting out a stream of yellow fire.

    But as if that wasn't astounding enough, Ren himself began to feel his own body temperature rise as though he was sitting inside of a camp fire. He suddenly felt an intense feeling of fear and was immediately aware of just how big of a crowd was in attendance and watching him. He wanted to jump into the clay pot and hide. It was strange though. Ren hadn't believed Masara was even real. He hadn't been scared before. It wasn't until he had taken hold of his Fire Dragon and it had awoken in front of such a crowd that he felt such fear.

    Ren looked down at the creature in his arms. It was shaking, obviously frightened. Ren blinked, and blinked again. What in the world?

    Emanating from the Fire Dragon's body were bursts of random colors and waves like one would see if they closed their eyes and rubbed them. Ren was seeing stars, but they weren't stars at all. Whatever this strange aura around his hatchling was, it felt like fear. He glanced around at the villagers. Apparently, Ren was the only one able to see it.

    "It's okay," Ren said soothingly as he cradled it in his arms like Sora and Talbut had done.

    This seemed to calm the baby Fire Dragon, and interestingly, Ren felt his own nerves calmed as well. The loud, jagged aura of fear immediately settled into something softer and quieter. Ren gently placed the creature back into the clay pot, still as confused and dumbfounded as ever by the strange connection he had felt.

    What in the world was going on? It didn't matter, though. Once Ren woke up from this ridiculous dream and returned to his life in Japan…

    "And now, with new partners to aid them on their way, the time has come for our heroes to begin their voyage. Masara is proud to have you representing us. Our hearts are with you!"

    Another round of fist-over-hearts salutes and polite applause broke out. After reveling in the appreciation for a few moments, Talbut walked over and shook Sora's hand, his Half-Plant creature in tow.

    "May Lady Luck grant you her grace, Sora," he said in a predictably deep voice. "I will be leaving now in hopes of returning with the bounties of victory."

    "Thank you, Talbut... You are departing this second? I thought we would travel as companions?"

    Talbut smiled. He shook his head as he fastened his cloak and threw his knapsack over his broad shoulders.

    "Please do not take my refusal as disrespect, Young Sora," he said. "I prefer to travel alone. But you have sharp wits and a strong intellect. I know in my heart that you will make Masara proud as I intend to do.

    Sora seemed disappointed but also strengthened by Talbut's words. With his shelled hatchling in his arms, Sora nodded his thanks and gave Talbut a nod.

    "For Masara," he said with a look of determination.

    "For Masara," Talbut replied before turning his attention to Ren.

    "Master Ren. Best of luck to you as well. I do not know if you are participating in the Grand Quest as well, but your bravery and selflessness is an inspiration nonetheless. I hope that we will meet again."

    Ren shook Talbut's hand and gave him a clumsy salute. And with that, Talbut exited the stage to more smatterings of applause. Ren watched him leave with a feeling of admiration and wonder. He still had no idea about what this quest was all about. Sora and Talbut had apparently been chosen by the village to represent them in whatever this contest was. And they were apparently supposed to travel along with their brand new creatures as partners?

    Ren didn't have a whole lot of time to try to process everything he had seen before Sora was tugging on his shirt sleeve.

    "Master Ren," he said. "What is your intention?"

    "What?"

    "My apologies. What I mean is, is it your intention to participate in the Grand Quest as well?"

    Ren didn't know what to say. He just wanted someone to wake him up. The hornet venom must have been affected him in a profound way. The strange, beautiful village he found himself in, the fantastic creatures that had been delivered in clay pots, the funny way people spoke… it was all a bit overwhelming. All he wanted to do was see Kenji just long enough to punch him for convincing him to hunt those damn hornets.

    "Uh…" was all Ren could manage.

    "It would be my honor if you and your Fire Dragon accompanied me on my journey." Sora said shyly. "It is my admission that I feel a great deal of apprehension at the prospect of traveling so far from home on my own."

    Ren looked into Sora's deep blue eyes and saw that the younger boy looked ashamed to have asked Ren to accompany him. Ren could tell that Sora felt the pressure to succeed at whatever this quest required and that he believed someone hand picked by his village should not experience boyish fears of loneliness.

    "Of course, it is understandable if you must return home," Sora added quickly.

    Ren didn't know what to do. He absolutely wanted to return home. None of this was real. Sora and this quest weren't real. And this strange creature with a tail of fire sleeping in a clay pot definitely could not be real. Despite this, however, the hopeful twinkle in Sora's eyes certainly was convincing. Ren didn't have the heart to tell Sora that he was nothing but a hornet-venom-induced figment of Ren's subconsciousness.

    "My dragon and I will accept your invitation, Sora, on one condition," Ren said with a sigh. What difference did it make? He'd awaken soon.

    Ren might as well have told Sora that Christmas had come early.

    "Name your condition, Master Ren! Anything and it is yours."

    "Actually, two conditions," Ren replied. "Before we go on this journey or whatever it is, you have to do two things. First, you have to start just calling me 'Ren.' And second... tell me what the hell I'm getting myself into, anyway."

    Sora laughed and ushered Ren down from the stage.

    "Of course, Ren."

    After thanking Elder Pa and accepting well-wishes from several of the straggling villagers, Sora led Ren across the village to a small wooden house with a thatched roof similar to the other buildings along the cobblestone. The sun had begun to set on beautiful Masara, and the scenery was even more breathtaking in the golden glow of evening.

    Ren and Sora walked in the door carrying their clay pots. The Fire Lizard was again fast asleep inside, which was fine with Ren. He still didn't know what he was supposed to do with the strange creature or how it was supposed to help him on this journey he knew nothing about. He couldn't wait to get answers.

    "Welcome, Master Ren," Sora said as they entered. "It's not much, but it's home."

    Sora's house was small, like a cozy cabin. The floors were dirt, the walls made from mismatched panels of wood. A roaring fire was already built in the stone fireplace in the corner, providing an inviting orange glow of warmth. A metal cauldron was sitting inside with something delicious-smelling bubbling away.

    "The healing serum seems to be working," said a girl's voice.

    Sora's sister Fey, whom he had seen at the village square, walked in from the other room. A small boy hid behind her legs peaking around nervously at Ren. He recognized this boy as Jo from the ceremony as well.

    "Do not be shy, brother. Ren is the reason you still stand here today," she said. "You owe him your life."

    Ren blushed and waved awkwardly at the small boy.

    "Sora tells me I have you to thank for patching me up. Thank you," Ren said, bowing to Fey. He was getting used to simply going with the flow by now rather than wasting time being befuddled.

    "No thanks needed, Ren. Not only is it my duty as a healer, but you saved my brother."

    Fey's face didn't waver. She stepped forward, unemotional as she examined Ren's head-wound in business-like fashion. Ren, once again, had no clue what he was supposed to say or do next. He let Fey rewrap his bandage and fuss about how it probably wasn't a good idea for him to be traveling.

    "Um, so, about all that," Ren finally managed to utter. "I have some questions if you don't mind."

    Before Fey could answer, Sora and Fey's equally redheaded parents entered offering Ren the same expressions of admiration and respect as before. They warmly welcomed him to their home and insisted that he let them know if he needed anything. They made sure he comfortable at the square wooded table in the middle of the room. Fey served a delicious meal of fresh baked bread and some sort of game along with a plethora of the same sweet berries as before.

    "Eat quickly," Sora instructed happily. "If we leave by sundown, we can catch up to Talbut by the time he hits Carmine."

    "Not so fast, brother," Fey replied firmly. "Ren will spend one more night here before I will allow him to exert himself to such an extent."

    "But if we do not leave before morning, we will fall even more behind Talbut!"

    "There will be no debate. If you insist on dragging Ren along as you galavant off on some fool's errand for glory, the least I ask is for our hero to get one final night of true recovery before he is subjected to the elements and the exertion of travel."

    Sora scowled but seemed to know better than cross his sister. From the looks of things, it seemed as though Fey wasn't a huge fan of the idea of the Grand Quest at all.

    After dinner, Sora showed Ren to his sleeping quarters which was nothing more than a corner of the main area walled off by several bails of hay. There were two straw beds and a small wooden table supporting a candle. A third makeshift bed had been constructed for Ren. After Sora's parents had gone to sleep in the next room with Jo, Fey entered the room and extinguished all the lights except for the single candle on the table next to their beds. She examined Ren's bandages one final time before climbing into her bed.

    "Sleep quickly, Ren!" Sora squealed, kicking his feet in excitement like a small child. "Tomorrow, we depart!"

    "I believed you promised me some answers, Sora."

    "Indeed, I did. What do you wish to know?"

    Ren almost laughed out loud at the question. Where should he even start? Ren decided to forgo any talk about this being a dream. He could plainly see that this entire situation was crazy, and he had grown tired of being in a constant state of wonder. Until he awoke from whatever this was, he decided that he would just play along.

    "So, from what I gathered at the ceremony earlier today, this is Masara, which is a village in Borane. Is that correct?"

    Sora and Fey nodded, although they both wore expressions of pity that sane people usually wore around mental patients.

    "You truly have no recollection of anything prior to today?" asked Fey, who again took particular interest in staring at Ren's bandaging again.

    "Well, sure I do," Ren replied. "But that's just it. Last thing I remember, I was with my friend Kenji back in Tokyo. We were bug catching. Next thing I know, I wake up here in Masara, a place that doesn't even exist."

    "Your memory will return to you in due time, Ren," Fey said confidently. "Until that moment, Sora and I will try our best to assist you in any way we are able."

    "So this 'Grand Quest of Borane,'" Ren continued. "Tell me more about Borane."

    "Well, as you heard before when Elder Pa was reciting from the Monarch's scroll, Borane is the nation we live in. The Monarch rules over the entire nation with honor and respect."

    "And I heard something about a 'Golden City?'"

    "Indeed," Sora continued. "Golden City is our capital city, the wealthiest and largest in all of Borane. The Monarch, his cabinet of advisors and all of Borane's brightest stars call it home. That's where the elders purchased the hatchlings."

    "That reminds me," Ren replied. "Hatchlings. What are these things? Where I'm from, our animals don't spit fire."

    Sora seemed legitimately perplexed on how to tackle Ren's question.

    "Hatchlings, meaning that our monsters are less than a span in age. I know not what monsters are like back in... your world. Here, monsters --the byname we have given our fauna-- with abilities owned by your Fire Dragon and my Water-Breather are extremely rare. Most of our wildlife lives without means of elemental intervention."

    "This was undoubtedly why young Sora here was unable to show any sort of dignified restraint today at he ceremony when he received his hatchling," Fey interjected with a wry grin.

    Sora threw some hay at his sister who giggled. Ren just sighed.

    "So, back to this Quest, then," he said. "Why did the Elders buy these things for us? How are they going to help us?"

    "Probably easiest to explain exactly what the Grand Quest of Borane entails, no?" Fey asked.

    "Sounds good to me," said Ren.

    "The Monarch first announced it three span ago. He said he wished for a nationwide competition to entertain him. You see, training monsters to compete in battle with one another is something of a pastime to many across our nation. Physical competitions of strength and the abilities of the trainers to prepare their fighters."

    "Sounds kind of like cock fighting," Ren commented.

    "Pardon me?"

    "Nothing, sorry. Please continue."

    "The Grand Quest of Borane is a yearlong competition during which sponsored participants such as Talbut and myself will be traveling all across Borane in search of the Monarch's seven Coinkeepers. These Coinkeepers will award a golden coin to any participant who discovers their whereabouts and defeats them in battle with his or her monster."

    Ren imagined video game bosses and was suddenly very interested in the mystery and adventure of the quest.

    "Sounds challenging," he's said.

    "Indeed," replied Sora. "At the end of the year, all participants who are able to collect all seven coins from all across Borane will get to compete in the Grand Tournament in Golden City before the Monarch himself. The winner of this tournament..."

    "Gets eternal glory and riches and all that," Ren finished, a twinkle in his eye. This dream was beginning to take an interesting turn.

    "So what are your thoughts, Ren?" Fey asked, looking anxious.

    "Yes, do you still wish to accompany me on my journey?"

    "I'll tell you what, Sora," Ren said with a hearty yawn. "If I'm still here in the morning, I'll come with you on your little quest. It sounds kind of fun."

    Ren felt a bit guilty as Sora let loose a cheer of triumph. Ren felt his eyelids getting heavy. This was it. He figured once he "fell asleep" here in Masara, he would awaken in some hospital room back in Tokyo. He chuckled at the chaos and unbelievable craziness he had witnessed in his
    subconsciousness. Ren bid goodnight to Sora and Fey and made himself comfortable on the hay.

    "See you at sunrise, Ren," he heard Sora say.

    "Sure, whatever you say, Sora," he replied.
    Last edited by Legacy; 9th March 2014 at 09:06 PM.

  10. #40
    Wordsmith Beth Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (Three)

    I actually meant to review this anyway so I won't post this as a Review Game, er, review. Also, this'll be the first time I'll be using a template to review from, aren't you lucky?

    Technical Accuracy/Style
    Technical accuracy is very good. I spotted one error - a "bail" of hay rather than a "bale". Anyway, I like the style. It gets the job done without a lot of words in the way - often I see writers trying too hard to be clever in their writing, and this can get in the way of easy reading. Yours doesn't do that. I especially like how you set the scene without telling the reader absolutely everything about what's going on.

    Clever lampshade on the peculiar loquaciousness of the villagers. I might have commented that it was strange, but duh, that's the point.

    Story
    I have a pet peeve about using the word "plot" here. Call it asinine, but to me a story need not contain many events to be a story, though a plot suggests that it should. That mad comment aside, it looks like you've essentially created a Pokémon Fantasy. I'll be interested to see how you deal with things like fantastic societies and technology - which is where I suspect slip-ups will happen, so researching analogous time periods or peoples is a good idea - but so far it feels real. There's a lot going on in Chapter One beneath the waters, so I hope that Ren will develop as the story continues, even though he ain't in Tokyo no more

    Characters
    I don't dislike Ren, but I'm not in love with him either. He makes sense as a character, and his situation in Chapter One was handled well. Like a lot of kid heroes he does seem a bit mature for his age, but I'm not sure if I want to call that a problem. He is in a sticky family situation after all. As to the supporting cast, I haven't made my mind up yet. I'm finding it a little hard to relate to Sora, and that may be down to the odd way he speaks

    Final Thoughts
    I shall be keeping an eye on this, I think. The story has caught my interest and I'd like to see where it goes
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


  11. #41
    It wasn't much! Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (Three)

    Ah Ren, you silly little boy thinkin you´ll wake up.

    Well sadly, Pavell here beat me to the punch in reviewing for the Review Game, but much like him I was planning to review anyway so I guess it´s not really a problem in the end. I really liked this chapter since it kept up with the Fantastical and lory kind of feeling that chapter 1 and 2 had already established (I reread both of those btw) I thought it was interesting how you implemented the elements of journey fics while adding a more medieval feel to them, which in essence actually makes the whole thing have more sense than a bunch of kids being thrown into the world for no reason.

    I do have to agree with Pavell that while the story itself is very interesting and intriguing I still think Ren and the other characters would need a bit more work. The last few chapters have been spent expanding on the plot, so I think that focusing more on the characters would help get a better feel of everything.

  12. #42
    Wordsmith Beth Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (Three)

    @Flaze I think you misread, my review isn't a Review Game review
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


  13. #43
    It wasn't much! Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (Three)

    Ooooh, I missed that...yay : D

  14. #44
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (Three)

    Thanks for the reviews guys!

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    Master Exploder GastonGibus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (Three)

    Whew boy, I guess that's my reading done for the day. :P

    As per request, here's your review.

    First off, I just have to say, this is easily one of the cleanest fics I've ever seen on the site. I don't think I noticed any errors at all, and if there were any, they were too small for me to see. Kudos to you on that! (Or if you edited them before I read them, then lucky timing. :P)

    So far I'm really liking the characters, to an extent. Ren came off as a bit wangsty at first, but he seems to be getting better, so I'd just keep that in mind. Having angst in a character can be good, but over-doing it just makes them come across as needlessly whiny and annoying. I'm not saying Ren is totally like that yet, and like I said, he's gotten better in the later chapters, but it's just something to keep in mind.

    Now, here's the thing. I really like the setting you picked. It sounds kind of like "Pokemon: Medieval edition" or something to that effect. The descriptions were just right, large enough to give me a good picture of the world, but small enough so as not to bash me over the head with information. It's a hard balance to achieve, and I think you pulled it off well.

    Despite my love for the setting though, I can't help but feel a little worried. This grand quest you describe sounds pretty much like a carbon-copy of the modern-day Pokemon League challenge. While interesting settings and characters are all well and good, rehashing the same old "Journey Fic" is going to get really old really fast. While we obviously haven't gotten that far, and I don't know what your intentions are for the rest of the story, I'd make sure to try and make it different, somehow. The standard "I went to all these places and battled people and it was fun" story has been done to death, I feel.

    This last part is me being super nit-picky, so you should take it with a grain of salt. This is a personal pet-peeve of mine.

    A shiver raced down Ren's spine like a sharp winter breeze
    A shot of adrenaline coursed through him like a gulp of hot chocolate on a frigid night.
    a sharp pain pricked him in the side of the neck and instantly began to burn like someone had put out a cigarette on his skin.
    Sora looked like a little boy who had just been given the greatest birthday present ever. His grin was wide, his unkempt red hair like a dancing fire. He hugged the reptile as if it was his own infant son.
    I do not enjoy comparisons. Maybe it's just me, but I feel that they are unnecessary. Don't tell me what something was like, tell me what it is. For instance, instead of saying it "began to burn like someone had put ot a cigarette on his skin" you could instead say it "began to burn with an unbearable intensity, pain flaring up immediately in it's wake," or something. Again, this is my personal opinion here, so take it as you will.

    In addition, fancy coding is cool and all, but not when I can't see the story. I went on to see the third chapter, and I was greeted with this.

    if you look really hard, you can just barely make out some text there, if you squint hard enough. The color you picked for the text blends in perfectly with the forum layout I use. I looked at that for the longest time like "What the hell am I looking at? Is the post broken?" and then I realized you formatted it differently. xD (This is more of a joke than anything, not an honest part of the critique. :P)

    Regardless, I really enjoyed this story. It's easy to tell you have experience as a writer, and I'm eagerly looking forward to the next entry. :D
    Last edited by GastonGibus; 14th March 2014 at 08:36 AM.
    "Well... here's my guess."

    |I write Fan-fiction. Am I cool yet? |
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