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  1. #16
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Quote Originally Posted by Tophat Dragoneye View Post
    I have to say, this story intrigues me, as it is not the same conventional Pokémon fics we usually see around here. For me, it is still a bit too early to come up with a proper review, but I'll see what I can do.

    The story so far could be seen as similar as the Harry Potter books, as the main character (Ren in this case) is thrown into a world he doesn't know about until he comes face to face with it, instead of living in a (possibly) miserable life in the one he knows about. How it happens, is where this story deviates, as Ren suddenly finds himself in this new world after the hornet attack. It may or may not be a hint, but Ren and Kenji's discussion about dreams could have something to do with how Ren ended up in this new, strange world. And I loved the story.

    Every bit of details you've written is amazing, I can easily imagine seeing the world(s) in the story with my own eyes. Dialogs is also greatly detailed, with lots of personality in them, for example Ren keeping his way of talking and his personality when transported to this new, unknown world. And to be honest, I couldn't find any error in the fic, so that's a nice bonus.

    I decided to subscribe to this thread for future reading, but you're welcome to add me in the mention list :)
    Thanks, sincerely, for the review Tophat Dragoneye!

    I didn't consciously think of the Harry Potter thing, but I guess you are right! HP is probably in my Top 3 for favorite book series of all time, so that makes sense I guess.

    I'm especially pleased that you mentioned the description of world because I feel like I would struggle a lot with that, and I still might as I move forward.

    Thanks so much for reading!

    Decades have passed, and Kanto is a much different place. Follow Lucas Green as he and his friends search for answers and look to fulfill their destinies.

  2. #17
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    There's honestly not much I could possibly say in terms of a critical review, particularly this early in the story. The characters are relatable, description impeccable, and the story simple yet enjoyable. A couple typos here and there but nothing awful. I'm interested to see what you'll do with the world-transportation mechanic, whether it will be plot related, character related, or if you'll pull an Edgar Rice Burroughs and just say fuck off it's a plot device. I can't wait to see where this goes. Now, before my dripping fanboy-ism becomes overwhelming:

    MENTION ME. MENTION ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR EARTH GIRLS.

    When new chapters come out at least. Yeah.

  3. #18
    Registered Trainer Pokemon Trainer Calvin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    I must say, I was gripped by this. I was hooked at the Donkey Kong reference, which I got as soon you there was the mention of the girl in the creature's arm. I was floored when it transitioned to the arcade, though. I could especially relate to Kenji's reckless plan to capture hornets, and it's always the reluctant sidekick who takes the fall(literally, in this case). I'm still a bit stuck as to how the events in the tree just happened to correlate to the events in Masara. I also caught a few grammatical errors (such formerly where you should have put formally). Overall, amazing work, and keep it going.
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  4. #19
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Poor Ren, he was right about the hornets, but that ended up being bad for him.

    Can't say much yet except I'll be waiting for the second chapter.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  5. #20
    Go Niners! Akari's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekurom View Post
    Poor Ren, he was right about the hornets, but that ended up being bad for him.

    Can't say much yet except I'll be waiting for the second chapter.
    Haha yeah, it did seem rather foolish for them to climb up into a high tree just catch some dumb hornet, especially with how apparently dangerous and huge they were. Boys!

  6. #21
    Registered Trainer Pokemon Trainer Calvin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Yep. Odd how one the voice of reason refuses to do something, yet he does it anyway for some reason. I call it Dumbass Syndrome. Someone sees something stupid, and despite adamant refusal to emulate it, does it anyway. Highly contagious.
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  7. #22
    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    This is intriguing. I have to wonder if Ren is going to find Kenji in this world or alternate-Kenji or whatever.

    But then again, I have to wonder about a lot of things. This isn't any usual sort of Pokémon fic, Legacy, I have to give you that. I'm enthralled.

    Add me to the mention list, please!

  8. #23
    Go Niners! Akari's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Quote Originally Posted by Pokémon Trainer Calvin View Post
    Yep. Odd how one the voice of reason refuses to do something, yet he does it anyway for some reason. I call it Dumbass Syndrome. Someone sees something stupid, and despite adamant refusal to emulate it, does it anyway. Highly contagious.
    It does seem dumb like I said, but I think it's feasible that a couple of teenage guys would do something reckless like that. After all, they both used to collect bugs religiously by the sounds of it.

  9. #24
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Yeah, the hornet thing is something I can relate to. When I was 15, my friends and I did any number of dangerous, dumb things just for the heck of it. Call it stupidity or just recklessness, I guess. And like Ren, I sometimes wasn't comfortable doing some of the dumb stunts we pulled, but you kind of just say, "F--- it, why not?"

    Hey, again, thank you so much all of you reading and reviewing. It honestly means a lot to me.

    Decades have passed, and Kanto is a much different place. Follow Lucas Green as he and his friends search for answers and look to fulfill their destinies.

  10. #25
    Hex Mistress NoirGrimoir's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Hello, NG reporting in for The Review Game, here's my review.

    Well, I have to be honest. Your story isn't the sort of thing I usually read, though in this case I do have to say it wasn't a bad experience. Your writing skills are very good, your grasp of sentence structure, variety, word choice, all of that is excellent. I felt like in the beginning of the prologue you got a bit over-descriptive, though that is an easy thing to do at the beginnings of stories, but it wasn't enough to be all that noticeable. I specifically remember was one point where you wrote "apprehensiveness" that could have been replaced with "apprehension", for simplicity's sake, but all-in-all your writing ability is high and the only advice I can think to say is maybe pay attention to whether you are saying what you mean to say in the most efficient way possible, as in the fewest words, most exact definition, etc. I can't find fault in your writing style, so I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing, all that's left at this point is basically just to perfect yourself.

    About the story itself, what you've got here is basically a portal-fantasy. Considering I sort of loathe the very idea of portal-fantasies, you can take that into account as I discuss your story's premise and your execution. Now, as I said, this wasn't an awful experience for me, considering I wouldn't ordinarily read anything like this. I definitely enjoyed how your introduction to the character and his real-world situation was short and sweet but also very thorough. We learned a lot in that small bit of writing and it didn't feel like an info dump at all, which is great. The fact that the real-World part didn't drag on, and very quickly got us into the pokemon fantasy world is perfect, and exactly what stories like this (or any story, really, in my opinion) needs to do: that is get right down to business and introduce us to the main plot and problem that needs to be solved. So basically your pacing is spot on, and that isn't easy to do. I applaud you, sir.

    That said however, I found the opening narrative of Ren sort of day-dreaming that he was part of the video game to be a bit silly. An RPG video game maybe, (though I still find it a stretch. Books have that kind of immersion, occasionally movies, but video games, I'm not all that convinced) but the sorts of games they have at an arcade, that have very simplistic plots, if they have any at all, I have to say I find it really unlikely. Ren comes off as a very realistic guy, considering he's giving up on all his dreams to go work in a power plant for practicalities sake, so him buying that much into a video game that sounds like it's Mario saving Princess Peach from Donkey Kong, seems really weird to me. I'm not too sure yet what I think about your choice to set your Real-World in Japan, rather than another place, considering the Pokemon world doesn't seem especially connected to Japan, so you could reasonably have chosen anywhere int he world to place them. On the one hand its a nice change from America/ British/Australian kid thrown in the pokemon world! On the other, portraying a culture that isn't your own well can be tricky, (I'm assuming you aren't Japanese or living in Japan, if you are, than just ignore this.) So far things seem alright, though I've noticed a lack of honorifics, not sure how I feel about that yet. Could be good or bad, I'll have to see (Ah, you may have caught me here, I'm already assuming I'll read more!)

    The hornet escapade is definitely a 'different' way to fall into another world. I mean, usually people fall into a suspicious hole or get sucked into a mysterious vortex in the sky or something but I don't think I've ever heard of a story where the character woke up in another world after being almost lethally stung by hornets. That's definitely a new one. Initially I was leery of this, since I'm used to portals where something weird happens in the Real-World before we get sucked up into the Magic One, so we pretty much expect that something weird is happening before we even encounter the actual fantasy world, but I was sort of intrigued by the possibility that Ren's waking up from seemingly just being knocked out presents. Like maybe the Real World is a weird hallucination or something, or he's actually been in this Pokemon world for a while, and he just lost his memory of it and reverted back to the last thing he remembered from the Real World. I don't know, I'm definitely interested to see what is going on. Though if something really interesting isn't going on than I'll be a little disappointed. Hop-skip to another subject, I think you're description of the pokemon could be a bit more descriptive, though. I mean, I couldn't figure out you meant a Persian, I heard whitish cat and thought Mewtwo? even as I was like, is he even a cat, though? Persian is definitely cream-colored, I would say. And I'm still not sure which the bird is, my first thought was Honchkrow but I'm also thinking Staraptor, even though he isn't black. I just think there's no point being very mysterious with which pokemon you mean so you should try a little harder to make it apparent which pokemon it is Ren is seeing.

    This is more personal preference, but I'm not really digging the whole 'people living in a hobble/squalor/tiny-village' thing. While it does seems pretty true-to-form for a portal fantasy, considering it isn't that way in the source material taking away the technology seems a bit...well, easy, I guess. No one is going to commit him to an asylum or ask for identification or anything like that, so he has an easy out. It's not quite to the point of feeling contrived to me, but it is definitely a choice on your part, since it diverges from the source material, so I suppose I'll just have to see how it plays out. I also have to be honest in saying that I'm sensing the villagers are about to announce that he's their long awaited hero destined by some prophecy or some such thing, and I desperately hope it isn't the case that some sort of prophecy or something is about to be mentioned, but I'm terribly afraid that there is. Prophecies aren't inherently bad, but they are so overused and badly used to give some kind of badly patched-together excuse for people to glorify some random child (not just in fanfiction, but in literature in general) that I get twitchy whenever they show up in stories. Generally I feel like prophecies should be avoided if there's any way at all to do so. But I suppose I'll just have to wait see where you plan on going with this. I'm still waiting to be introduced to what the main plot is going to be (other than saving the world and getting back home, since the main plot of all portal-fantasies is saving the world and getting back home) but I think you've managed to accomplish a lot in a prologue and a chapter.

    Well, there you go, all my opinions. I hope this was helpful to you in some way and I look forward to seeing where this is going.

    Official Claimer of the Pokemon Pumpkaboo | Official Claimer of the Move Trick- Or -Treat | Official Claimer of the Items Silph Scope and Odd Keystone.
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  11. #26
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Wow, thanks for the awesome review! I especially appreciate the negative things you brought up. I'm always looking for tips and suggestions on how to improve myself for my writing future (if there is one haha).

    Anyways, thanks again.

    Decades have passed, and Kanto is a much different place. Follow Lucas Green as he and his friends search for answers and look to fulfill their destinies.

  12. #27
    Clarion of Revelations Feliciano's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Consider me hooked. I knew I would be when you started out with Donkey Kong, but as I kept going, I continued finding things I loved. Ren is relatable right off the bat, and he and Kenji have a wonderful dynamic. I really started to sympathize with Ren when it was revealed that his father died, but as I kept going, I realized I figured out almost everything I needed to know about Ren through the Donkey Kong segment. I got a sense of his dedication and determination; his sense of duty to protect everyone around him, even his wistfulness and willingness to take on the hardships of others and help them. His dynamic with Sora is interesting too. I couldn't really tell if Sora was supposed to be younger or older than Ren at first, but I had expected Fey to be significantly older, given that she seemed to be acting as the town's doctor (I make that leap because, if the town had a healer or doctor, I would've thought Ren would've been taken to them in order to receive the best care the village could provide, even if her's is the house of the boy he saved). I loved the nod to bug collecting, but ugh god those hornets! I'm already a bit phobic of bugs, but those...things just make me shudder when I see them - or read your descriptions of them!

    Speaking of descriptions, gah, dat scenery porn! I loved the way you described the town, the fields, the pokémon (though I admit, I couldn't really tell which pokémon you were going for. I had no idea that was a Persian until you mentioned it - I always thought they were a creamy sort of color with dark eyes), just...everything is so beautifully rich and detailed, and I loved every second of it.

    I'm so glad I caught one of your stories from the very beginning, and I can't wait to keep following it! I'd love to be mentioned in future chapters, if you don't mind.
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  13. #28
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    Consider me hooked. I knew I would be when you started out with Donkey Kong, but as I kept going, I continued finding things I loved. Ren is relatable right off the bat, and he and Kenji have a wonderful dynamic. I really started to sympathize with Ren when it was revealed that his father died, but as I kept going, I realized I figured out almost everything I needed to know about Ren through the Donkey Kong segment. I got a sense of his dedication and determination; his sense of duty to protect everyone around him, even his wistfulness and willingness to take on the hardships of others and help them. His dynamic with Sora is interesting too. I couldn't really tell if Sora was supposed to be younger or older than Ren at first, but I had expected Fey to be significantly older, given that she seemed to be acting as the town's doctor (I make that leap because, if the town had a healer or doctor, I would've thought Ren would've been taken to them in order to receive the best care the village could provide, even if her's is the house of the boy he saved). I loved the nod to bug collecting, but ugh god those hornets! I'm already a bit phobic of bugs, but those...things just make me shudder when I see them - or read your descriptions of them!

    Speaking of descriptions, gah, dat scenery porn! I loved the way you described the town, the fields, the pokémon (though I admit, I couldn't really tell which pokémon you were going for. I had no idea that was a Persian until you mentioned it - I always thought they were a creamy sort of color with dark eyes), just...everything is so beautifully rich and detailed, and I loved every second of it.

    I'm so glad I caught one of your stories from the very beginning, and I can't wait to keep following it! I'd love to be mentioned in future chapters, if you don't mind.
    Thank you so much, @Feliciano; for the review and for the kind words. In all seriousness, coming from a writer like yourself, it means a lot.

    I took some creative liberty with the Pokemon. Persian, I did end up using the real name, but tweaked the appearance slightly. I realize this might be a little distracting or weird and I have some reasoning behind this that will make sense (I hope haha) at the end of the story.

    I guess the best way to describe it is to say this story is heavily based on Pokemon obviously, but is its own separate verse entirely with no relation to the anime, manga or games besides the general concept of the existence of these creatures and some of their English and Japanese names.

    I totally know it sounds arrogant as heck to say, "Ooh, Im this greeeeat writer who thinks he can just totally reinvent the world, etc." I don't at all think that about myself as a writer (I think I have a lot of improvement to do as a writer, especially after reading a lot of the other fics posted in the Workshop), but the truth is... it's more fun to do it this way for me. And I suck at writing canon characters because I am not good at capturing their familiar emotions and personalities.

    Decades have passed, and Kanto is a much different place. Follow Lucas Green as he and his friends search for answers and look to fulfill their destinies.

  14. #29
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    You had me from the DK reference at the beginning :P

    As ever expected Legacy, your writing form is top notch, with almost no issues. Very easy to read with a great description bringing us into the world you are spinning.

    I like the introduction of the feudal-esque village, which was well done and presented effectively. Obviously plot-wise there isn't much to say, but the characters seem to have been set up well it seems, with plenty of thought behind them and plenty of room to expand.

    My only slight gripe was with the Persian, where you state that:

    Entering through the open door, a large, snow white creature with amazingly bright sapphire-like eyes stood before Ren
    Don't Persian's have red eyes? wouldn't the phrase "amazingly bright ruby-like eyes" be more fitting? Of course if i'm mistaken disregard everything i just said :P


    Overall, great start and i can't wait to continue reading!

  15. #30
    Go Niners! Akari's Avatar
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    Default Re: Land of Monsters (1)

    I noticed that too, but Legacy said its kind of a loosely based on Pokèmon thing. Not any sort of trueness to the anime or games so I guess the appearance of the critters themselves is included. I think it's exciting!

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