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  1. #1
    Pata pata pata pata pata! Italy-kun's Avatar
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    Default Kingdom Hearts Keepers (working title) (SuBuWriMo)

    Here is my SuBuWriMo entry, Kingdom Hearts Keepers. (This is a working title, if anyone has a better title idea, let me know by VM, PM, or a post in this thread.)

    Table of Contents:

    Author’s note: This post
    Prologue: The World: This post

    Author’s note: This fic is a crossover of the Kingdom Hearts video game series and the Kingdom Keepers book series. Either ask me or go to the Kingdom Hearts Wiki for Kingdom Hearts-related questions you may have, but for Kingdom Keepers questions, I suggest you stay away from the wiki as it is small and poorly done. And now, without further ado, it’s story time, kids! *snicker*

    Prologue: The World
    Walt Disney World had just opened a brand-new Park, and this was one of the rare occasions that the five Kingdom Keepers, Finn, Charlene, Maybeck, Willa and Philby, had permission to be in the Parks in daytime without disguises. Of course, the fact that they needed tough security guys around them to scare off autograph hounds put a bit of a damper on the day, but they had fun nonetheless.
    They were now walking to Finn’s mom’s car with their friends, Jess and Amanda, who they considered honorary Keepers, and talking about their day. “What a weird name,” Maybeck said, prompting amused looks from his friends. “What’s so funny? I mean, come on, think about it. ‘The World’. It has OT written all over it.” Laughter ensued.
    “Guys, he has a point. Not that the name has anything to do with it, but the OTs are gonna jump all over a new park, a new location for the magic. They’re gonna assume the defenses here aren’t strong enough yet. I’ll monitor activity tonight, but you don’t have to be ready. In all likelihood, they’re gonna make a plan first.” Philby said.
    Finn replied, “Hey, I thought I was the leader!” This time, the laughing was unanimous.

    * * *

    Finn’s phone, on vibrate and wrapped in foil like always, woke him up. It was a group text from Philby.

    Got somethin @ TW. U know what to do.
    "It just goes to show you that people with brain damage are the real heroes, aren't they?" --Wheatley, Portal 2
    "Open mouth, insert foot." --Joe Kido, Digimon Adventure 01
    "Screw it, the gloves are coming off, MEAN BEAN MACHINE!" --Me playing Sonic Mega Collection

    Played in Inazuma Eleven Mafia, Super Street Fighter IV Mafia and Pokemon Christmas Mafia 2011. Winning faction of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Mafia and DPPt: Sinnoh Mafia! SO HAPPY!

  2. #2
    Pata pata pata pata pata! Italy-kun's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kingdom Hearts Keepers (working title) (SuBuWriMo)

    What's with the lack of feedback?
    "It just goes to show you that people with brain damage are the real heroes, aren't they?" --Wheatley, Portal 2
    "Open mouth, insert foot." --Joe Kido, Digimon Adventure 01
    "Screw it, the gloves are coming off, MEAN BEAN MACHINE!" --Me playing Sonic Mega Collection

    Played in Inazuma Eleven Mafia, Super Street Fighter IV Mafia and Pokemon Christmas Mafia 2011. Winning faction of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Mafia and DPPt: Sinnoh Mafia! SO HAPPY!

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    Registered User Ian D.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Kingdom Hearts Keepers (working title) (SuBuWriMo)

    Okay, since this is so small, I'll just quote the entire thing. My comments are in bold.

    Walt Disney World had just opened a brand-new Park [Okay, "Park" in this case is not referring to the place's name: it's its description. Therefore, Park should be park; with a lowercase p.], and this was one of the rare occasions that the five Kingdom Keepers, Finn, Charlene, Maybeck, Willa and Philby, had permission to be in the Parks [same here] in daytime without disguises. Of course, the fact that they needed tough security guys around them to scare off autograph hounds put a bit of a damper on the day, but they had fun nonetheless.
    They were now walking to Finn’s mom’s car with their friends, Jess and Amanda, who they considered honorary Keepers, and talking about their day. “What a weird name,” Maybeck said [1 [see below]], prompting amused looks from his friends. “What’s so funny? I mean, come on, think about it. ‘The World’. It has OT written all over it.” Laughter ensued.
    “Guys, he has a point. Not that the name has anything to do with it, but the OTs are gonna jump all over a new park, a new location for the magic. They’re gonna assume the defenses here aren’t strong enough yet. I’ll monitor activity tonight, but you don’t have to be ready. In all likelihood, they’re gonna make a plan first.” Philby said. [[2]Okay, first you use the correct grammar in [1], then you go incorrect here. The period after first in Philby's dialogue should be a comma.
    Finn replied, “Hey, I thought I was the leader!” This time, the laughing was unanimous.

    * * *

    Finn’s phone, on vibrate and wrapped in foil like always, woke him up. It was a group text from Philby.

    Got somethin @ TW. U know what to do.

    And now for the other parts.

    First of all, what you have isn't the correct attitude for a writer. I mean no disrespect here, so please don't take it that way: but it's the lazy way. Sure, Kingdom Hearts is a popular series, and sure, some people have probably heard of the Keepers series (while I haven't, personally), but what you should do is describe.

    This also applies to characters. So far, we have no idea what the Keepers are, nor what any of them look like. Also, how do these guys, as individuals, feel walking through the park? What did they DO in it- you only say they had fun.

    Okay, it's nearly 3:00 A.M., so forgive me if I'm being as odd as I think I may be. My point is, work on your descriptive skills. Tell us things we need to know, and show us the world you're writing about: make us feel like we're part of the story.

    Also, though I believe you're technically doing the RIGHT thing for spacing, here in these forums, it's much easier for people to read text when it's spaced out at the start of a new paragraph. Like... (just the first two paragraphs here).

    Walt Disney World had just opened a brand-new Park, and this was one of the rare occasions that the five Kingdom Keepers, Finn, Charlene, Maybeck, Willa and Philby, had permission to be in the Parks in daytime without disguises. Of course, the fact that they needed tough security guys around them to scare off autograph hounds put a bit of a damper on the day, but they had fun nonetheless.

    They were now walking to Finn’s mom’s car with their friends, Jess and Amanda, who they considered honorary Keepers, and talking about their day. “What a weird name,” Maybeck said, prompting amused looks from his friends. “What’s so funny? I mean, come on, think about it. ‘The World’. It has OT written all over it.” Laughter ensued.
    One more tip. Be patient. Someone will eventually give you feedback; and if no one does, don't think that means no one is reading.

    Good luck with SuBuWriMo!


    Thanks to ShinySandshrew of serebiiforums for the banner!

  4. #4
    Pata pata pata pata pata! Italy-kun's Avatar
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    Default Re: Kingdom Hearts Keepers (working title) (SuBuWriMo)

    Thank you! I will do a drammatis personae (is that how you spell it?) with descriptions at some point. But for now, I'm just gonna write the first real chapter! Yays!
    "It just goes to show you that people with brain damage are the real heroes, aren't they?" --Wheatley, Portal 2
    "Open mouth, insert foot." --Joe Kido, Digimon Adventure 01
    "Screw it, the gloves are coming off, MEAN BEAN MACHINE!" --Me playing Sonic Mega Collection

    Played in Inazuma Eleven Mafia, Super Street Fighter IV Mafia and Pokemon Christmas Mafia 2011. Winning faction of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Mafia and DPPt: Sinnoh Mafia! SO HAPPY!

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