Hi there! First, I must say this:
JOHTO CHAMPIONS' LEEEEEEAGUE
...Sorry, the title just made me think of that. :P On to the "review"!
- Don't change the font color. I'm using the skin "Team Rocket Returns", and reading black text on a charcoal-gray background is difficult. And when it's difficult to read your story, people tend not to like it.
- There are quite a few problems in your grammar, mostly concerning punctuation marks. I'll get to that later, when I'm not using bullet points. Every time a new person talks, make it a new paragraph. It's a bad idea to use exclamation points in narrative, because it sort of sounds like you're trying to force the reader to feel a certain emotion.
- In a chapter title, almost every word should be capitalized, except for short ones like "to", "the", and "with".
- Watch for certain words - such as you're and your - which sound the same but mean different things. "You're" is slang for "you are", whereas "your" denotes something as belonging to the person being spoken to.
- I can see that you are working on a word processor, which is good - however, keep an eye out for your spelling. If you use Firefox, there should be little red lines under every misspelled word just like in any self-respecting word processor; if not, there are plenty of spell-checks available online or in your brain.
Well, your general concept is acceptable (if a little overused), but like most writers - including myself - grammar and word usage could use some work. In addition to the small points I listed above, try to re-learn the rules on commas and other punctuation marks - there are plenty of resources for learning grammar rules on the computer, as well as any English or writing teacher if you're still in school - as well as generally read over your writing before you send it to the Interwebs. If you do that, you can pick up on strange-sounding lines such as this:
Aside from replacing "to" with "too" and putting a comma after "Oh" and "Red" (since "Red", referring to the guy Oak is speaking to, is extra information), the sentences quoted above just generally feel wrong. Instead of repeating "you," there could have been "I never thought that your time would come so soon! You've grown too fast for even my sharp eyes to notice." or something. Aside from a few big words and wording changes to fit Oak's speech pattern more, there's less repetition of one word. You have a decent vocabulary - use it!
Oh Red its time already, I never thought that it was this time for you. You have grown to fast for even my sharp eyes to see.
Bottom line: Wise up on grammatical skills (particularly pertaining to punctuation marks) and wording, and you're set to go. Don't forget to make your story interesting!