1st September 2012, 03:46 AM #1
Get the cool shoeshine!
Just a thing I came up with...
It's not really that bad. I just thought this up. Comment please. And try to justify some parts please. Also, it's a fic.
I swear it was an accident. It was 3 P.M. Kory and I were cleaning up the classroom as per the duty roster. It was only me and him. He was annoying me so much I put my arm around his neck and choked him. After a few seconds, he was unconscious. Only then, I realized what I had just done. I checked what I was wearing then. I was wearing a long sleeved jacket so I was okay. Then I wanted to check his pulse but I wasn’t wearing any gloves. I quietly ran to my bag and got my pair of black paintball gloves and also put on my paintball jersey and pants. I thanked myself because I bought full-finger paintball gloves. I brought them because I was paintballing after school. I knew my gloves weren’t too thick as I could feel my own pulse. Then I felt Kory’s neck. There was a pulse. I knew he was going to wake up by himself in a few hours so I knew I had to put him somewhere else. I couldn’t put him in the closet. I couldn’t put him anywhere viewable in plain sight. I saw a good spot to put him. But first, I put all of his winter wear on. His gloves, his goggles and his jacket. Then, I put everything used to clean the class in its right place. Lastly, I left to go paintballing.
7th September 2012, 09:48 AM #2
Let's get funky!
Re: Just a thing I came up with...
I think you should probably have a bit more of a built up to the protagonist killing (or trying to kill) Kory. It seems a bit sudden and random. Perhaps there could be some dialogue between them in which Kory is acting like a jerk? That way the protagonist might even be able to garner some sort of reader sympathy, unlike at the moment where s/he just sounds like a psychopath.
Also, maybe a bit more of a panic when s/he thinks that Kory is actually dead? Maybe a bit of an insight into the main character's relationship with Kory: are they usually friends, do they have a history of animosity etc.?
The image of the protagonist just going paintballing afterwards is quite a chilling one. I don't know if that's what you intended, but it certainly worked that way. It makes him/her seem quite ruthless. Is that what you were going for? It worked quite well if you did, although it might even be worth mentioning that the protagonist was planning on going paintballing before s/he kills Kory.