28th June 2006, 05:37 AM #1
Just somethin i'm writin Please don't read dis if ur under 15
The crowd glared at her. Their hatred barring down, trying to break her. No one could believe this outsider...this street rat had gotten this far. How could she?!. The young girl just stood there absorbing it all, her blades held loosely by her sides. She slowly lifted her head, her long black hair cascading over her shoulders. "Bring on the next round.." Her voice was calm, as if the anger of the crowd had no effect on her. The referee stood up and cleared his voice - "Does anyone else want to challenge this young lady or shall she be declared the winner?" The crowd fell silent. As much as they hated it, she was unbeatable, therefore challenging her would be like asking for a death wish. "If no one wishes to challenge me, I'll take my leave" No one else spoke up, and having spoke her final words, the girl turned and walked out of the arena.
The young girl walked into the dressing room re-sheathing her blades. As she reached her locker she felt a sharp pain in her upper arm. She looked down, her upper arm was bleeding severely. She started rummaging around in her locker to find something to stem the bleeding, when she felt a mysterious presence behind her. "Ah, Miss Alexandra Leigh I presume?" The young girl smiled "It's been a while since any one has called me that but yes!" She turned around and came face to face with a young man in a military uniform. "And what do the likes of you want with me?" She resumed rummaging as the young man continued "The Empress wishes to speak with you.." Alex continued rummaging "Well, you can tell her royal highness to shove the invitation square up her royal ass!""Ah Ha" Alexx said as she finally found her med pack. The young man looked away "But...oh never mind it dosn't matter" Alexx sighed "What is it?" The young mans eyes glinted "Oh, it's nothing, just that your friend Dan agreed to see her" Alexx almost fell over in shock "Dan did what now?" Alexx stammered, The young man smiled, "Agreed to come and see her" Alexx punched her locker in fustration, "Ok, ok I'll come" "Good, if you would kindly follow me" With those words the young man turned and walked out of the locker room followed closely by a reluctant Alexx.
The pair hit the streets "Hey army boy, can I at least know you name?" Alexx said sounding casual "What..huh...oh I am sorry...My name is General Leonardo Caprosella" Alexx remaind silent as they walked up the main street. Alexx's eye's moved form side to side looking down all the side streets. "Hey Army boy why dose her royal pain in the ass want to see me anyway?" Leo, stopped and turned, "Ok miss Leigh, i have two things to ask of you...one, now that you know my name can you please stop calling me army boy and second please refrain from insulting Maygen" Alexx smiled "Ahhhhhhh so you and her royal highness are on a first name basis hey army boy" the pair of them continued to walk down the street. Leo looked at her as they walked, "no it's not like that" there was a glint in Alexx's darting eyes "Alexx what are you looking for" "You'll know when I find it" Alexx paused slightly "Army boy move fast." Leo looked at her in confusion "What...Why?" With those words Alexx with drew her blades "It's too late know army boy...Get behind me and draw your weapon" Leo looked at her confused, Alexx caught the look "Tell me you brough some description of a weapon on you" Leo shook his head, "Damn, come with me now" Alexx said re-sheathing her swords "There is no use fighting these people without both of us armed" Alexx grabbed Leos arm and dragged him down the side allies. The ran down countless ally ways twisting and turning. Running from somthing that couldn't be seen, suddenly Alexx stoped "Shit" She said loudly pushing Leo behind her "Dante come out know..." Alexx's hands falling to her blades. With those words a large man emerged from the shadows "Now Alexx what are you doing with a royal Guard" Alexx stared at Dante in disgust, "It's non of your buisness" Dante started smiling at this coment "On the Contrary my dearest girl, you wear my mark no??" he nodded towards the tatto on Alexx's shoulder, "It means nothing to me now Dante... Long gone are the days I served you" Anger, was begining to boil up inside Alexx, she gripped the handles of her blades tighter, "So, Alexx, hows little Katie, shuch an nice little girl, I hop your looking agter her" Alexx's knuckle began to turn white, "How dare you talk about her, Dante" a sly smile appeared on Dantes face, "Now Alexx, I had never picked you to be the jelouse type just because she was better in bed than you is no reason to..." Dante stopped and watched his words sink in, "You sick preverted fuck, I swear i'm gona kill you, i swear on my fucken life that I will..." "Alexxandra Leigh cool it" Alexx looked up, and saw a figger standing on one of the near by roof top. "Dan, you can not say you didn't here what this fuck said about kate" Dan jumped down, "Yes i did but that is no reason to over react, Don't give him what he wants" Alexx relesed her grip on her swords and looked at Dan "Your right...So how are we gona get out of here" a sly smile appeard on Dans face "Just wait and see"
any critizim welcome
8th July 2006, 04:09 PM #2
okay, it was a lil short so i don't really know where the story's going yet or anything about the characters and stuff, so i can't really comment on that.
on a more technical note. aside from the punctuation (which, not to be rude, but needs a bit of work) and spelling (which can be easily handled but a spellchecker), you're gonna need to work on paragraphing. like, let's see... things like, start a new paragraph when a new character starts speaking. like when alexx is talking, start a paragraph and she can be all blahblahblah and then when leo starts talking, take a new paragraph for him. it'll help loads to prevent getting people confused over who's talking.
how long have you been writing? do you read much? cuz that helps loads which learning the technical side... oh and great for eh... 'inspiring' *cough* ideas.. yeah...
9th July 2006, 10:02 PM #3
While I love the name 'Alexandra Leigh,' as pointed out above, this does need some work. There doesn't seem to be much of a plot. We know Alexandra's unbeatable from the first paragraph, but we don't know how old she is or how long she's been battling, or who she's been battling. This seems like more of a plot bunny than an actual fic.
10th July 2006, 01:20 AM #4
Yeah it's just a starter i have my real version at home and it's heaps longer. I know that i've never been really good at spelling ect. and i do read lots. i haven't been writing long since about the start of this year so i'll post the better version and thanks for the advice
10th July 2006, 04:32 PM #5
only since around the start of the year? fantastic! then you're obviously only just getting into the swing of things. i think it's only experience you lack, which you'll gain from posting your stuff and getting feedback. you'll be surprised how quickly your writing will improve as time goes on.
definitely post the other version so we can read it
14th July 2006, 05:06 AM #6
kk i've just got to do some final fix ups, then I'll post it I have others if your interested