The Journey

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Thread: The Journey

  1. #1
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    Default The Journey

    Staring: Ash, Gary, Kairi and Sora.

    Rating: K+

    Genre: Genral/Adventure

    Info: Hey all this is my AU fanfic of Ash(Red), Gary(Blue) and Kairi(Green)'s journey. My character Kairi is not an OC she is Green from the games and manga. You know how Ash and Gary are based on Red and Blue, but are made to be kinda different on the show, well that's Kairi, she is based on Green but made to be different for if they ever did have her on the show. I used the name Kairi cause I don't know what Green's name is supposed to be on the show, cause they never show her. Yet you know she's there as Professor Oak gave away 4 Pokemon. So you know Green had to be one of those Trainers. I will also be making up a OC as there was a fourth trainer that wasn't mentioned either. His name will be Sora. Sorry, I'm using Kingdom Hearts names again, but a lot of animes use the same names, like Cardcaptor Sakura the main character's name is Sakura but on Naruto there is also a girl called Sakura, but no one ever talks about Naruto saying that Sakura's name is a Cardcaptor Sakura name, so don't be saying my character names are Kingdom Hearts names, there not there just the same names. This is more based on the manga then the show. Well it is based on the show some but more the manga. I will be changing back and fourth from character to character with each chapter, I will put the character's name at the top so that you know which character that chapter will be about. They will all be together on the first part though. Anyway onto the fic.


    Cards:






    Prologue
    Pokemon, I choose you!


    Ash

    Ash was excited. Today had been his tenth Birthday. So tomorrow he'd set out on his Pokemon journey,'Yes! I am Ash!' He thought,'And now that I'm ten I can finally get my Pokemon license. I can't wait!'

    Ash turned on the TV, to the Pokemon fight Channel. It showed a Gengar facing a Nidorino. The Nidorino had fainted. The Nidorino's trainer recalled it and sent out Onix to fight,"Come on Onix! You can do it!" Ash cheered,'But you'll never be better then what I'm going to be starting tomorrow. Yes, I will journey to gain the wisdom of Pokemon training and I hearby declare to the Pokemon world...' Ash picked up his Voltrob clock,'I will be a Pokemon Master! Pokemon Master! That is what I....'

    Ash got interuted from his thoughts,"Ash! Get to bed!" His mother called from the doorway. Ash's alarm clock flew from his hand into Delia's,"It's 11:00 and you should be asleep!" Delia told her son.

    "But tomorrow I begin my Pokemon journey. I can't sleep," Ash wined.

    "Well, if you can't sleep you should at least get ready for tomorrow. Here watch this," Delia said grabbing Ash's remote and changing his TV channel, to the Pallet Town Pokemon News.

    Prof. Oak's face appeared on screen,"Good evening Pallet. Tomorrow's the big day for the newest class of Pokemon students. I'd like to introduce you to Bulbasaur..." the screen showed a green looking Pokemon with a bulb on it's back,"Charmander...." It then showed a orange looking lizard with it's tail on fire,"...and Squirtle..." the picture showed a blue looking turtle type Pokemon,"Each one is available for new trainees. Which one will you choose?" Prof Oak explained.

    Delia peeked back around the corner,"Go to bed when this is done," she told him.

    "Alright! I'm going!" Ash said paying more attention to the TV instead of his mother.

    "And change into your Pajamas ok," Delia called, as she went off to get ready for bed herself.

    Ash just sit there thinking,'I'm going!'


    Kairi

    Kairi was watching the same thing that Ash was watching at this very momment,"I can't wait!" She said excited,"Tomorrow's going to be so fun." Unlike Ash's mother though, Kairi's was already in bed sleeping. Kairi too excited to sleep so she cut off the TV and took out a Pokemon PC game. She put it in her Computer and started playing it.

    "Come on! Come on! Come on!" She said, as her Pokemon, a Lapres was fighting with a Venasaur. On the game she had gotten to the Pokemon league and was fighting the league champion.

    She fought but lost,"Oh! Not again!" Kairi wined. She always kept on loseing to this guy,"Your not taking me down that easy! Tonight I'm going to win!" She said as she continued playing the game. She didn't notice the time. She stayed up until midnight playing that game. She fell to sleep in front of the computer.

    Sora

    Sora woke up bright and early the next day,"Today's the day!" He said, jumping out of bed. He got his bath things and went into the bathroom, and took his bath. He then got out and changed into his clothes a black tee and blue jeans. He then brushed though his short brown hair. He never liked his bangs though. No matter what he did with them they were always in his face.

    Sora then brushed his teeth. He went downstairs for breakfast,"Good morning mom," he said as he entered the kitchen.

    "Good morning dear," said his mother, as she was at the stove fixing breakfast. It was bacon and eggs with cheese in the eggs. She brought over a plate to Sora,"Eat up sweety. You got a big day ahead of you today."

    Sora grabbed a fork, and started eating.

    "By the way," his mother said as she sit down next to him at the table,"Which Pokemon are you going to pick?"

    "I thought about it since last night. I think maybe Bulbasaur's more my type," Sora said as he ate. He finished up his food and grabbed his bag and headed out the door,"Bye mom, I'll see you whenever I get back." Sora didn't know how long this journey would take him, that's why he had told her whenever, cause he didn't know how long he'd be away.

    Anyway all this was on Sora's mind as he walked down to Professor Oak's lab.

    Once he got there he knocked on the door. Prof. Oak appeared in the open doorway,"Hey Sora. Your kinda early," he said,"None of the other trainers are here yet."

    "Yea Professor. I figured I'd get an early start on my journey. So can I go ahead and pick out my Pokemon?"

    "Sure. Come on in Sora," Prof. Oak said inviting Sora inside. Sora went up to the three PokeBalls on the table. They had names written on them. One said,'Bulbasaur.' Another said,'Charmander.' And the last one said,'Squirtle.'

    Sora picked up Bulbasaur's ball right away,"Professor can I have Bulbasaur?" He asked him.

    "Yes. Good choice Sora. Bulbasaur does seem like your type. Here is your Pokedex and 5 PokeBalls to start you off, Sora. Your Pokedex is your ID. Don't lose it, as it can't be replaced. The PokeBalls are for catching new Pokemon. You may carry up to six with you. But that's it. Catch more and the rest will be sent to my lab here. But you can still use them anytime," Prof. Oak explained all this to Sora.

    Sora was listening very carefully to what Prof. Oak had to say,"Ok. Thanks for the advice Professor. I'll see you later. Bye!" Sora called as he left the lab, and started to head out to Route 1.

    Gary

    Gary woke up that morning and did the same things that Sora did, getting ready to get his first Pokemon. He had already decided on Squirtle. He didn't know what Pokemon Ash would be getting, and he didn't really care anyway.

    He went downstairs, to find Daisy eating breakfast,"Hey sis. Grandpa already at the lab?" He asked her as he sit down to get a bite of toast and some cereal.

    "Yes he left a few hours ago," Daisy told her big brother.

    "Ok," Gary said. He ate his food and went down to the lab. Not even knocking first he opened the doors and walked inside,"Hey Gramps! I'm here for my first Pokemon!" He called.

    "Don't be so rude Gary. The Pokemon are all right here. I have only Charmander and Squirtle left," Prof. Oak explained.

    "Find," Gary said picking up Squirtle's ball and grabbing a Pokedex and five PokeBalls before Prof. Oak could even offer them to him.

    "Want me to explain how to use those?" He asked his grandson.

    "I don't need your advice Grandpa. I know how to use a simple Pokedex and PokeBalls," he told him, as he walked out of the lab. Prof. Oak had this confused look on his face,"Well what do you know. He's in kinda a hurry to get going. That's my grandson."

    As Gary walked out of the lab, a car pulled up with his fangirls in it saying,"Gary! Gary! He's our man! If he can't do it no one can!"

    "Thank you, fangirls!" Gary called, as he walked down the stairs. There were also a lot of people holding up signs and cheering Gary.

    Ash, Kairi and Gary

    Ash woke up kinda late this morning,"Oh no! What time is it!" He said noticing his clock was broken,"I better go see if Kairi's up." He ran outside in his Pajamas down the road to Kairi's house. He knocked on the door. Kairi's mother answered the door,"Well if it isn't Ash Ketchum. Come on in Ash. Kairi's still asleep. But I'll go wake her.

    Ash came inside and sit on the couch in the living room as he waited for Kairi.

    Kairi's mother knocked on her daughter's door,"Kairi dear. You awake?" She asked as she opened the door and went inside. Kairi was fast asleep. Her head laiding on her keyboard of her computer. The computer was still on.

    Kairi's mother cut the Computer off and shoke Kairi,"Kairi wake up dear."

    Kairi jumped awake,"Oh mom!" she said,"What time is it?"

    "It's after 9:00," she said,"Ash Ketchum is waiting for you downstairs. You better hurry up. You and Ash are already very late."

    Kairi ran downstairs in her nightgrown,"Let's hurry Ash!" She said as she pulled Ash out the door and down the road to Prof. Oak's lab.

    Once they got there they heard people saying,"Gary! Gary! He's our man! If he can't do it no one can!"

    "Hey excuse us!" Ash said as he was being pulled through the crowd of people by Kairi,"Sorry," Kairi said as she and Ash bumped into someone. They both then got knocked down by Gary.

    "Hey! Watch where your going..." Gary started to say but noticed that it was Ash and Kairi,"Well if it isn't Ashy-boy and Kairi Hill."

    "Gary?" Ash said as he got up. Gary helped Kairi to her feet. Kairi was thinking,'Wow! It's Gary Oak. He's a hotie!' Kairi had stars in her eyes, and was blushing from head to foot.

    "It's mister Gary to you. Show some repect Ash," Gary said.

    "Yea, Ash! Show some repect!" Kairi told him.

    "But you bumped into him too!" Ash conplained.

    But Kairi wasn't listening. All her attention was on Gary,"I'm sorry we bumped into you Gary," she told him.

    "That's ok," Gary said,"Kairi right. You may call me Gary."

    Ash thought that wasn't very fair. Kairi was getting special treatment by Gary. Gary turned to Ash,"Well, you two snore you lost. Your both very behind. I already got my Pokemon and you don't."

    "You got your first Pokemon?" Ash asked.

    "That's right loser. And it's right inside this PokeBall," Gary said spining Squirtle's ball in front of Ash's face.

    His fangirls started screaming,"Let's go Gary! Let's go! Gary! Gary! Let's go Gary! Let's go! Gary! Gary!"

    "Thank you fans. I promise that I will become a Pokemon Master and make the Town of Pallet known all around the world!" Gary called out. His fangirls scream,"Yey!"

    "Excuse me," Ash said tapping Gary on the shoulder.

    Gary turned around,"Yea?" He asked Ash.

    "I was just wondering if you could tell me what kind of Pokemon you got?" Ash asked.

    "None of your business. If you two had showed up on time, you would of seen that I got the best Pokemon from Prof. Oak. It's good to have your grandpa in the Pokemon business isn't it?"

    Kairi was kinda disappointed. She wanted to know what Pokemon Gary got herself. Gary saw her disappointed face and whispered in her ear,"Don't tell Ash, but it's Squirtle."

    "Ok," Kairi whispered back.

    Gary then got in his car,"Thank you all for coming out to see history in the making. Now I, Gary Oak am off to learn the ways of the Pokemon Trainer!" His car pulled away with all his fangirls following.

    Kairi watched him leave with this impressed look on her face. Ash was thinking,'I'll show you!'

    Prof. Oak then appeared around the corner,"So, Kairi and Ash. You two decided to show up after all."

    Ash jumped,"Oh, Professor Oak. Where's my Pokemon?"

    Kairi ran over,"And mine too Professor!"

    "Your Pokemon?" He asked the two of them, looking them both up and down.

    "Were both ready Professor," Kairi said, getting excited.

    "You both look like your ready for bed. Not for Pokemon Training," he told them,"I hope that your not going to train in your nightclothes."

    "Oh, no Professor. We both got messed up this morning. We were a little late. But believe me were both ready for our Pokemon!" Ash explained.

    Professor Oak took them both into the lab. Ash got to go first,"I thought about it a lot and it took me a long time, but I finally decided to choose Squirtle," Ash said picking up Squirtle's ball. There was nothing inside.

    'Duh! Gary took it,' Kairi thought, rolling her eyes.

    "Already taken, Ash. By someone who was on time," the Prof. told Ash.

    "Awww. I really wanted this one too. Fine then I choose Bulbasaur!" Ash said opening up Bulbasaur's ball. It was gone as well.

    "That one was also taken by a kid who was on time," Prof. Oak explained.

    "Well that's no problem. Cause my Pokemon will be Charmander," Ash said as he opened up Charmander's ball. There was a bright flash of light as Charmander appeared before Ash saying,"Char! Char! Charmander, char!"

    "Alright!" Ash cheered, as he petted Charmander on the head. Charmander grinned at Ash.

    Kairi turned very pale,"Hey! What about my Pokemon?"

    "I'm sorry Kairi that was the last one," The Prof. told her.

    Ash pushed Charmander over to Kairi,"No Ash. You really wanted that one. You keep it."

    "You sure?" Ash asked her.

    "Yes Ash. It was my fault we were late. Go ahead. Take Charmander. I'll just wait a little longer for my Pokemon," Kairi told him.

    Kairi sit down in the corner looking kinda sad as Prof. Oak gave Ash his Pokedex and five Pokeballs and sent him on his way. Ash called Charmander back inside his ball and left.

    Prof. Oak saw how disappointed Kairi was, so he walked over to her and sighed,"I shouldn't do this but there is still one left but you see there's a problem with it. I can't understand it at all."

    "I don't care Prof., I'll take it!" Kairi told him.

    "Ok, don't say I didn't try to warn you Kairi," he said pushing a button as a PokeBall with a picture of a lightning bolt on it appeared.

    As soon as Kairi touched it, there was a bright light, as a yellow looking Pokemon with a lightning bolt tail appeared,"It's name is Pikachu," Prof. Oak told her.

    "Awwww. It's so cute!" Kairi said reaching out to touch Pikachu.

    "Wait don't!" Prof. Oak warned. Too late. Kairi touched Pikachu. Pikachu let loose with a Thundershock. Kairi and Prof. Oak screamed in pain,"Pikachu is an electric type Pokemon. See," He told her.

    "Oh, I see," Kairi said.

    "Shocking isn't it?" Prof. Oak asked.

    "Sure is Professor?" Kairi answered blowing smoke from her month.

    Prof. Oak gave her a Pokedex and five PokeBalls,"Here you are Kairi."

    "Thank you...." She got ready to say when Pikachu shocked her again.

    "Your welcome!" The Prof. said though all the shocks.

    Kairi went outside with Pikachu everyone was cheering her on,"Ok Pikachu. Time to get back inside your ball."

    Pikachu wouldn't listen. Kairi held Pikachu down, and threw all the shocks, she forced it back into it's PokeBall,"Chaaa!!" Pikachu screamed as he went back inside,'Pikachu? What is wrong with you?' Kairi wondered. Her first Pokemon had to be a Pokemon that hated her,'This could be a problem.'

    .....To Be Continued

    Note: I know Gary's sister's name is May but I decided to name her after the FireRed and Leaf Green games as there is already going to be a May in this later. The May from Hoenn. Anyway please R&R, and bee nice about it. I know I got some ICs out of character but some people are hard to get in character just right you know.
    Last edited by Konekodemon; 29th December 2008 at 03:54 PM.

  2. #2
    The small giant Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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  3. #3
    Fanfiction Critic Silawen's Avatar
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    Hello! I was cruising through the list of stories and I noticed yours didn't have a review yet, so I took it upon myself to give you one. ;) I'll try to get as far as I can, but unfortunately I've been a bit pressed for time lately so I might not get to the end. If this is the case, I'll come back eventually to finish the job. Unless you'd rather I didn't, of course.

    Anyway, onto the review!

    -

    Ash was excited. Today had been his tenth Birthday. So tomorrow he'd set out on his Pokemon journey,'Yes! I am Ash!' He thought,'And now that I'm ten I can finally get my Pokemon license. I can't wait!'
    The opening to a story is very important. It's the first glimpse people get of you as a writer and it can either make or break a story. If your opening is solid, then people will continue reading, but if it's shoddy then they'll probably stop right away. Some errors in the middle of a story could be dealt with by readers if the opening was great, but once they've given up due to a bad one they're not going to continue on - good middle part or not.

    Long story short, your opening needs to be good. This one, however, has some problems.

    First of all, the second sentence. Today had been his tenth Birthday.

    Why the capital for 'birthday'? Also, while the sentence is okay, the combination of you talking about a day that's already passed and referring to something he's going to do tomorrow is a bit confusing. Maybe say something like this instead:

    Ash was excited. His birthday had come to an end and he was getting ready for bed. The next day, bright and early, he'd be leaving on his very own pokémon journey.

    I'll touch upon speech - and thought - punctuation in a bit, so we'll get to that. I'm a bit confused why someone would remind themselves who they are. I don't go around thinking 'Yes, I am Sila!' at random times, so why would Ash?

    Ash turned on the TV, to the Pokemon fight Channel. It showed a Gengar facing a Nidorino. The Nidorino had fainted. The Nidorino's trainer recalled it and sent out Onix to fight,"Come on Onix! You can do it!" Ash cheered,'But you'll never be better then what I'm going to be starting tomorrow. Yes, I will journey to gain the wisdom of Pokemon training and I hereby declare to the Pokemon world...' Ash picked up his Voltrob clock,'I will be a Pokemon Master! Pokemon Master! That is what I....'
    This is a scene we already know. While I wouldn't advice you to go this route - instead, try to make it different from the original. It's already an AU, there's no reason you can't make it less of a direct copy - you could still make it exciting. Try to make the fight seem real. Like it's happening right before our eyes. A gengar is facing a nidorino, that is exciting stuff! Don't just focus on results - the nidorino fainted, an onix was sent out - but paint a picture. Imagine you're explaining it to someone over the phone, what would you say? ^^

    Ash got interuted from his thoughts,"Ash! Get to bed!" His mother called from the doorway. Ash's alarm clock flew from his hand into Delia's,"It's 11:00 and you should be asleep!" Delia told her son.

    "But tomorrow I begin my Pokemon journey. I can't sleep," Ash wined.
    Here you use two contradiction ways of punctuating speech. You have the right one - the second example - and a wrong one. 'His mother' should be lowercased, as it's not a name or something that is always capitalized. I'll give you another example:

    "Hello," she said.

    You got the comma right, but it also has to be lower cased. That is, when it concerns speech verbs - such as 'said', 'whispered', 'muttered' etc. If not, then this happens:

    "Hello." The girl waved.

    The girl, in this case, isn't waving the sentence. You can't wave something. So the sentences aren't directly related and no speech verb is used. Then you get a period/full-stop and a capitalized word following it.

    Kairi

    Kairi was watching the same thing that Ash was watching at that very moment.

    "I can't wait!" she said excitedly, "Tomorrow's going to be so fun."
    I find Kairi a very...curious name. With names such as Ash and Gary as the names of the main characters here, it seems a bit strange that hers would be so unusual. However, that's your choice.

    I already explained the speech thing. ^^

    She fought but lost. "Oh! Not again!" Kairi wined. She always kept on losing to this guy.

    "You're not taking me down that easy! Tonight I'm going to win!" she yelled as she continued playing the game. She didn't notice the time. She stayed up until midnight playing that game. She fell to sleep in front of the computer.
    'Your' is the possessive form of 'you', while 'you're' is 'you are'.

    Two of your biggest problems are 'repetition' and 'listing'. This paragraph is a great example of that. You keep on using 'she...', which gets very repetitive. Try using something else. Start with her name, or begin differently entirely. You don't have to start with her all the time. You could say 'having stayed up playing the game, she had forgotten all about the time' or something, there's no need for using 'she' all the time.

    The other problem is listing. You list what happens. This relates to the repetition as well. You go 'she did this, she did that, then she did this.' Instead, try to vary things. Vary the length of your sentences, the words you use, and try not to focus on the main character all the time. Describe the surroundings, the emotions, the people around her. Describe what is going on, don't just inform us of it. ;)

    -

    That's all I have time for right now. XD Let me know if you'd like me to continue and I'll get to the other two characters!

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  4. #4
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    I haven't actually read this yet, but I've just looked at the blurb. (The bit with the trainer cards)

    I could probably tell by reading it (which I do intend to), but is this based on the anime or the game?

  5. #5
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    It's kinda based on the anime, but more based on the Pokemon Adventures Manga

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