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Thread: Ivory Wings

  1. #1
    Pokémon Private Eye Detective Calvin's Avatar
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    Default Ivory Wings

    Hey guys, this is yet another revamped work of mine for which I recently regained inspiration. Since my primary project is moving kinda slow right now, I thought I'd put this out and see what happened. It's my attempt at a sci-fi work, and obviously is in its early stages. As usual, don't hesitate to tell me what you think of it. Any and all criticism is welcome.

    Prologue


    Bleep... bleep... bleep... bleep... bleep... bleep...

    Such was the sound heard inside the cockpit of a heavily damaged aircraft as it flew over an ocean. Its right wing was broken off at the base, causing the entire structure to lean to the right as it flew. Smoke and sparks drifted off of cannons mounted under the base of each wing, suggesting that they weren't currently in working condition. Smoke was billowing from the exhaust, intermixing with the red exhaust flame that already existed. Arcs of electricity occasionally danced over the surface of the craft, emphasizing the need for repairs.

    Bleep... bleep... bleep... bleep... bleep... bleep...

    “Ugh... I know already. Just please last long enough to get back to base.” The weary voice of the pilot groaned out. The pilot was clad in black flight gear, the only thing visible being weary blue eyes.

    “Figures that of all things to malfunction, the damn low shield warning system wasn't on the list. Luckily, all the enemy fighters were handled.” Immediately after this sentence was uttered, fate decided to prove the poor pilot wrong and have two fighters pop out from behind nearby clouds and approach the damaged ship.

    “Damn! Figures God would have a since of humor! Ah, well.” The pilot clicked a button on top of the flight stick, clearly expecting something to happen. Oddly enough, the only result was a rapid beeping and an orange idiot light flashing on the control console that read 'Twin Laser Malfunction'.

    “Ah, dammit!” The pilot pressed a button on the control console, then hit the weapon button again. A 'Missile Launcher Empty' light flashed to life for a brief moment.

    “Damn! Now weapons to fight with! Guess all I can do is out run 'em.” Another button was pressed, and the craft's engine let out a plaintive whine as the power output increased, blasting forward and away from the pursuing fighters at top speed.

    Had the ship's radar been working, it would have become apparent that the craft was still being pursued. Since this was not the case, the pilot was alerted only by the craft shaking upon a shot hitting home, and the subsequent sirens that followed.

    Wee-wee-wee-wee!

    Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep!


    “Ahh! Damn it all!” The pilot cursed, maneuvering the craft away from several more shots, then through a wall of clouds. The intention was to lose the enemy fighters, since they couldn't be fought properly. By doing it this way, the pilot hoped to preserve what little shielding the ship had remaining, although the shrill bleeping sound was breaking her concentration. After what felt like a mere minute, the pilot directed the ship downward out of the cloud, discovering that it was raining.

    “Tch. Figures it's rain. It kind of fits, after all that's happened today.” The pilot maneuvered the ship leftward to counter the rightward lean as land appeared on the horizon.

    “Finally! Salvation, here I come!” Sadly, fate had other ideas, and a bolt of lightning came down from the cloud, striking the ship directly on the left wing. The impact blew off the left wing, restoring symmetry in the ship. In addition, the lightning strike overloaded all of the ship's remaining online systems, rendering a crash inevitable as the ship started falling, with only its forward momentum keeping it going.

    “This is not my day!” The pilot shouted in dismay, hitting several buttons in an attempt to restore some function. Sadly, nothing happened, save for the ship continuing on its crash course with a town on the mainland.

    Meanwhile, in said mainland town, people were going about their daily business. That is, until someone looked up and saw a strange aircraft with smoke and flames billowing from its rear end falling right towards them.

    “Oh my God! Someone's plane is going to crash into the town!” The man cried out, triggering a panic. Everyone scattered as the doomed aircraft approached, apparently on a crash course with a military base that lay in the heart of the town. The craft skimmed over one building, scraped over the next, then crashed through the wall of the base, skidding to a stop approximately 100 feet away from the wall through which it crashed. It was a miracle that the ship didn't mow down any of the numerous people in the room.

    “What is the meaning of this outrage!” A man shouted, staring aghast at the wrecked fighter that had dropped in unannounced. Its state was even worse then before, as the nose was crumpled in from the impact with the wall, and the glass covering the cockpit was shattered. A few moments passed, and the pilot crawled out of the cockpit. The pilot started to climb down, but the airbag deployed and punched her in the face, knocking her off. Upon impact, the headgear fell off, exposing a head of long black hair and a feminine face that was marred with cuts and bruises. Her left arm and both legs were horribly disfigured from the crash.

    “Oww! Ungh...” The pilot groaned, using her right arm to roll onto her back. Once she was on her back, she began panting raggedly. She slowly opened her eyes and saw several people standing over her.

    “What in God's name happened? Are you alright?” A woman asked.

    “Get... General... Sinclair...” The pilot gasped out before everything went black.
    My new anime fic!
    "I pledge allegiance, to the Flag of the Divided States of America. And to the PACs, for which it stands, one Nation, at odds, divisible, with Liberty and Justice for some.”

  2. #2
    Registered User GoneGuy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ivory Wings

    A very interesting opening, now which starts with my favourite kind of beginning: a hook to grab the readers attention, a little something to chew on for the chapter, and then some mystery to keep them coming back. And, it's worked. I'm interested in your nameless pilot's backstory, I'm interested in her world, who was chasing her, and what next will happen next. You've dropped subtle clues as to the time period, but I'm not yet sure whether this is a fic that happens 100 years down the road, or 1,000, which is nice.

    The only comment I can make is that sometimes it reads like a poem or film analysis/review:

    Such was the sound heard inside the cockpit of a heavily damaged aircraft as it flew over an ocean. Its right wing was broken off at the base, causing the entire structure to lean to the right as it flew. Smoke and sparks drifted off of cannons mounted under the base of each wing, suggesting that they weren't currently in working condition. Smoke was billowing from the exhaust, intermixing with the red exhaust flame that already existed. Arcs of electricity occasionally danced over the surface of the craft, emphasizing the need for repairs.
    The structuring of the description is just a little jarring, but definitely nothing major :)

    Well done,
    Le meas,
    Airt

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