Into the Depths of Hoenn!

Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Into the Depths of Hoenn!

  1. #1
    Registered User Delilo & Stitch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    15

    Default Into the Depths of Hoenn!

    Prologue
    "Chalei! Chalei! Come back here!" screamed a man.
    "I'm sorry father! I refuse to work for you and your fiendish team anymore!" murmered a girl as she was running a way from her father and her dark past as a member of team Magma. "To late to turn back now..." Chalei thought. Right then she smashed a crack open.
    "Quickly! This way!" aided a boy.
    "Mohawasei!??!?!!" the girl said in shock. He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her through the hole right as she was about to be torn apart by the mightyena. The two gasped for breath as the boy hugged the girl with great comfort.
    "There you are! I..." Maxie screamed but no one was there, they had disappeared into the mist...
    Last edited by Delilo & Stitch; 7th July 2006 at 04:45 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delilo & Stitch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    15

    Default

    Sorry for anyone I left in the dark... To be honest this is my first Fan-Fic. Also this story does revolve deeply around the Diamond and Pearl pokemon, Team Magma and Team Aqua, the Battle Frontier as a corrupt evil organization, and a thief Shina! If you have any comments feel free to post hem here!

  3. #3
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Nowhere special
    Posts
    17,517
    Blog Entries
    273

    Default

    Well honestly it needs a lot of work. Your spelling is one of the primary things, such as "sreamed" instead of "screamed" and "commfortingly" instead of "comfortingly" (which I'm not sure is even a word anyway). Dictonary.com is a great resource for things like that.

    Your formatting needs work too. Start a new paragraph each time someone new talks. And dialogue goes in ", not '.

  4. #4
    Registered User Delilo & Stitch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    15

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Blackjack Gabbiani
    Well honestly it needs a lot of work. Your spelling is one of the primary things, such as "sreamed" instead of "screamed" and "commfortingly" instead of "comfortingly" (which I'm not sure is even a word anyway). Dictonary.com is a great resource for things like that.

    Your formatting needs work too. Start a new paragraph each time someone new talks. And dialogue goes in ", not '.
    Sorry, what else needs fixing up just out of curiousity?

  5. #5
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Nowhere special
    Posts
    17,517
    Blog Entries
    273

    Default

    Have you ever heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? That's what you need to do. Instead of telling us flat out that she was a Magma, incorperate it into the story rather than in an easily ignored line.

    Also, who's the boy? Where did he come from? What the heck do you mean when you say she "smashed open a crack"?

    Another thing is that authors notes should go at the beginning of a story, not in a seperate post. We have edit buttons for a reason.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •