A Traditional Sue Entry
Hello. My name is Ebony Sunshine Twilight-lily Subtility, and I have long brown hair reaching my waist, eyes that sparkle like jewels (emeralds, diamonds and opals, as they are most commonly compared to), and clear, unblemished skin that sparkles in the sunlight. When I grow angry, my eyes change color; when merry, my feet become swift like a stallion's; when exhausted, I swoon dramatically into the arms of any nearby stranger's arms, who will also, as it always does, turn out to be in love with me. My smile is so radiant the sun feels jealous when I so much as giggle. I also burp rainbows, but that's only when I'm gassy, and that only happens when I feed of crow's blood, and let's not talk about it, all right?
Also, I'm a man.
It's a strange life. I'm so beautiful any men nearby will fall into such an obsessive love with my image, they end up gouging out their eyes with a rusty nails. Most guys tend to also become stalkers when they encounter me in town; I've had twenty at once (my own personal record) follow me in a large group and try to...do things to me. When I talk with them, they try to have their way with me, kissing, hugging, hand-holding...other things, et cetera. You can imagine I don't really make male friends.
I don't make many female friends, either, as a matter of fact. They sort of just look at me and break out into batshit insane hysterics. Their catfights are rather epic, though, I have to admit. I once saw a girl do a handstand into a backflip into throwing a knife with her foot. Luckily, I've gotten pretty good at dodging, so the knife meant for me hit the crazy lady also trying to kill me that was standing behind me. Also luckily, I've developed a small bit of sociopathy. I don't care what happens to those around me nowadays. Lucky me.
...I don't have any friends, actually. Just a couple of birds and a few fuzzy little mammals, but they don't speak my language and tend to crap in my food. I don't dislike them, but I would rather have a crazy bitch that's envious of my beauty and trying to kill me as a companion than a mouse corpse fizzy from rabies and fleas.
I want a name change, too. And a haircut. And to be more handsome, because being a straight man being hit on by strange men all the time? It just doesn't stop being weird. I like women, but for some reason I attract men, and only men. The only woman I talked to who didn't try to maim me was supposed to be my best friend—but that didn't last long. Yes, she was a traitorous bitch that wanted to kill me, too, why do you ask?
...You don't know how much homicidal rage I've built up over the years.
I can remember the day when I decided to change my life for the better. It had been a warm spring day, when the sun had greeted me at the window....