Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

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  1. #1
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    Well, I hope I've returned with something passable. Just in case you were wondering, this would be considered a short story, and or one-shot.

    Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    Part One


    I kept my hand on top of hers, trying to make sure that it seemed like it was resting and that I wasn’t purposefully making contact with her. But then she smiles, and then somewhere, there’s a sound. And soon the moment has come to life. God she’s beautiful. I look at her and she looks out at the sea, and soon the moment has passed.

    I met her at the flower shop. I was just searching for a nice berry for my Whiscash when I noticed this woman across the aisle. I guess you could say it wasn’t the woman herself but it was more of the thing that she was wearing; a scarf. A scarf in Hoenn! That was something I’d never seen before, at least not in this part of the region. You see, down south we usually get nothing but sun until the summer time, which then it’s just usually rain. Barely does a wind wisp to cause for such clothing.

    Being the guy I am, I couldn’t help but decide to ask her about it. So I approached her with my shopping basket and she turned, and there was that face. I hadn’t noticed her good looks until then, and I guess you could say I was hypnotized. I guess…

    “Excuse me?” she asked me.

    Oh god, what was I going to. I mean, I put myself in odd situations very often.

    “Um…erm, your…scarf….” I muttered, trying to find the words I’d lost. She stared at me as if I was crazy, and I was, but still.

    “Are you…are you hurt? I think I should go get-“

    “No! No, I’m fine, really. Your scarf took me by surprise is all.” I finally was able to say something sensible.

    “Took you by surprise? The scarf surprised you?” she said confused.

    “No, it’s just, I don’t normally see anyone wearing a scarf in Hoenn. It’s pretty hot all the time.” I told her and she just laughed.

    “I’m not from here, I’m just here to pick up some pokémon. I guess I just like the way it looks.” She giggled, and I became more surprised.

    She was wearing almost foreign attire: a red sweater and sweat pants. I wondered why I didn’t notice the strange clothing before, but I guess the scarf just stood out. Her hair was light brunette, her eyes matching, and her skin very pale. It was obvious that she would never resemble a native. Why didn’t I notice this before? Ugh, stupid! I was so stupid for not realizing. I kept my thoughts to myself as I spoke to her. I introduced myself, and she introduced herself in return.

    “Bertha, my name is Bertha.” She extended her hand, and I extended mine.

    She was holding it so tenderly I almost fainted. Notice how our eyes discreetly-

    “I love you.” I said quickly, and ran away as fast as I could.

    Really.
    Last edited by Cabaret; 29th March 2012 at 02:18 PM.

  2. #2
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    Well hello all my readers! (Which appears to be none. I mean, I'd like some feedback.) Here is part two! I'm trying a new type of writing that gets into the heads of my characters for better character development. Hopefully the experiment worked. Part 3 will be posted soon.

    Part 2


    Now I don’t think I am a snob, but I am good at figuring out where people fit. And I do a pretty good job helping other people not turn their lives to shit. I know when a thing is right, and I know what I must set out to do.

    We lay in the bed of flowers, the place we often went to whenever we just wanted to talk. Often times we would merely lie and stare at the clear Hoenn sky, well, she would look at the sky, often times I would be staring at her. I looked at her for guidance, knowing that whenever I saw her nothing was bad. It was me and Bertha and nothing else would matter. We had known each other for a few months now, and those had been the happiest months of my life. So I was going to finally do it…

    “Hey.”

    “Hey”

    “This is exciting, Bertha. Really, it’s fascinating.”

    “I don’t need your sarcasm. You just can’t stand that with a big party going on you chose to be here with me. You didn’t have to, you know.”

    “Oh no, I’d rather be here with you.”

    “….”

    I choked on words for quite some time. I didn’t really know how to begin, but does anybody? Suddenly I just started spewing out information.

    “Remember when you dragged me to that little bakery, that one right here in Mauville? The tiny one next to the bike shop.”

    “I remember.”

    “I have to admit that I hated that bakery. “

    “…..are you trying to get at some-“

    “Just let me finish. I hated that bakery but I enjoyed the smile on your face when you got icing on your nose. Because seeing you there…”

    “…..um-“

    “When we met in that flower shop that one crazy morning, I saw you from across the aisle, and you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And seeing you there…”

    I choked again. I started to become frustrated with myself. Why couldn’t I just let her know how I felt? Well I couldn’t find an answer this quickly.

    “So…marry me.”

    “….fine…wait, WHAT?!”

    “Marry me?”

    ………………………….

    “Taxi!......Taxi!......Oh fuck it, TAXI!!!!!.....Hi, um, hey"

    “Where to, lady?”

    “Well, um, I’m not usually inclined to take up useless conversation with a taxi driver. But I noticed on the street that there were taxi’s without passengers in constant circulation, and with no place to go, and that’s not what life should be like so we’re gonna get out. I don’t know where but you’re going to go.”

    “Wait, where do you want me to go?”

    “Weren’t you listening? I don’t know where to, you’re the professional! YOU SHOULD BE MAKING THESE DECISIONS!!!”

    The driver hit it and we flew. I had to stop myself from hitting the seat in front of me. Who does he think he is with his “marry me”? Does he think he can just do that on a whim? It’s ruined, everything is ruined.

    “Hey, I can see you making faces in the rear view mirror. Trust me, I’m not crazy. Listen, I’ll pay you what the meter says just drive me somewhere. I don’t care how far the way is! Sometimes you just gotta get out…”

    “….so, you got a problem, lady?”

    Did I really do that? Did I really just leave my boyfriend standing back there on the sidewalk? I mean, that’s bad enough without disclosing he was actually proposing.

    Was it wrong? Am I mad? I don’t know. All I know is I have to get out. It’s too crowded here. I need wide open spaces, I need the unknown. I love the things I’ve never had…

    I should be near him and feel happy, but it’s like I’ve changed so suddenly. I just want to tell him how I really feel, but something’s there that smothers all the words I mean to say. How can I be what makes him happy? I can’t even make myself feel happy. How can I make him happy if I can’t even make a promise that I will stay?
    When I look at him…I need to run away…I have to get out…

    “Lady! Did you hear me? You got a problem-“

    I have to get out, that’s what I have to do.

    “Oh my god, stop the car! I gotta get out.”

    We won't get that far.
    ................................
    Last edited by Cabaret; 31st March 2012 at 10:54 PM.

  3. #3
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    Well it was good, though a little short. I assume this Bertha is the one from the Elite 4 considering the scarf and part of the appearance, though she must be younger or something.

    Anyways while it is short I can still feel the emotion of the characters, however I think you should give a little more detail to it and maybe make it a little longer cause you made things go pretty quickly. You do point out the character's emotions really well and that's always good.

    However I do wonder what will happen in the third part.

  4. #4
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    The present/past tense at the beginning was a little confusing. Then you seemed to forget you had been writing in present tense when you were writing in the second part. That's nothing that a quick look over can't fix though.

    The change of perspective caught me a little off guard. I had to read that bit a few times over to understand it. As Flaze said, it's a little short, so maybe you could have made everything up to the change in perspective Part 1? That would have been a little easier to follow. Also, the bit where she ran for the taxi was a little strange. Wouldn't her boyfriend have followed her?

    Anyway, that aside, I liked the story. You seem to have captured characters who have real minds, who seem to be thinking and seem to be independent of each other. Unlike in a lot of shipping fics, I don't get the impression that they were written for each other... if that makes sense? I don't know if it does, but I consider it a good thing. They both seem to be thinking independently of each other, so in that respect the change of perspective worked really well. It almost surprised me how much of an independent character Bertha was when it switched to her perspective. I look forward to reading the final instalment!

  5. #5
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    Thanks for your feedback, guys.

    I've decided I probably want to make (disclosed) male and Bertha different parts, so that's how I'll divide parts one and two after I'm done editing and writing a more complete part two.

    I was going more for a vignette type feel with this story, and I really only wrote a snippet of what the whole back story potentially is because this is really all I want the readers to know about these characters, so they can ponder the rest.

    Stay tuned for part three, where bertha and disclosed males stories come together, so that the focus is on both of them at the same time.

    And you'll finally know who disclosed male is.

  6. #6
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    It is Rowan! or Oak xD

  7. #7
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    Happy to say it's neither, but keep your suspicions to yourself for now. I think I'll surprise you.

  8. #8
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    Sounds great, I look forward to the next part!

  9. #9
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    It's Juan xD or someone that's old xD....wait...Alder?

  10. #10
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Imperfect: A Three Part Mini-Opera

    Quote Originally Posted by Stellar Haze View Post
    It's Juan xD or someone that's old xD....wait...Alder?
    He said stop guessing! Leave the man alone! xD

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