I'm wirting a fanfiction Pokemon Story- Pokemon Jewel

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Thread: I'm wirting a fanfiction Pokemon Story- Pokemon Jewel

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    Registered User Shining Charizard's Avatar
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    Post I'm wirting a fanfiction Pokemon Story- Pokemon Jewel

    Hi, I'm writing a Pokemon story line which takes place about twenty or thirty years after where the Pokemon series is right now. I'm at page sixty, but I'll post here the first chapter and I want to know what people think, remember, criticism is not only good but essential! Thank you, and I want to know, I make Pokemon talk to each other too, so I want to know if I should put it in like regular people talking (1) or special (2)?-
    (1) "(Words)" (Someone) said.
    (2) (Someone): (Words).
    Thanks,
    Charizard (I call myself Charizard, my name is NOT Charizard, he is just my favorite).
    P.S. Compliments will also be appreciated.

    The Story!

    Chapter I: The Shining Adventure Begins!
    “Charmander! Scratch!” Brown haired Brendan called as his bipedal shiny bright yellow fire lizard Pokemon went with a shining claw down on Charley’s Treeko who dodged it but not by much.
    “Now! Treeko! Go in for a pound!” Charley Sprout, Brendan’s green haired friend, also from Viridian City called after his green two footed Pokemon and Treeko too missed as it slammed into the ground.
    “Charmander! Growl and then go in for a scratch!” Ten year old Brendan called a second attack in his first Pokemon battle against his friend who also just got his first Pokemon, both by a random pick.
    Charmander growled at the gecko Pokemon who then trembled a bit but as Charmander flung his four super razor sharp nails at him, Treeko made a flip in the air and landed behind him. Then Treeko tried to hit Charmander with a pound with his leafy tail but Charmander was too quick and ducked and hit Treeko with his own tail and Treeko stumbled back a bit and fell.
    One of Professor Oak’s aids was watching with excitement from the door of the lab at Brendan and Charley’s battle that was being held in a grassy area near the lab. Then from behind the aid came out a rich and snobby girl, Angelica from Johto who moved to Viridian a week before with her first Pokemon trotting behind her with its red nose up, a Vulpix.
    “Now Charmander! Take him down!” Brendan screamed as his green with a pokeball picture on it fell over his eyes and he picked it up to see Treeko dodge with but a small scratch.
    “Treeko! Run up the tree!” Charley screamed as Angelica, arms folded stood on the side, watching with dislike and her Vulpix sitting beside her. “Charmander won’t be able to get you there!” Charley said and Treeko, as quick as the wind, climbed up a tree nearby with many leaves and branches.
    “Charmander! Try to climb after him!” Brendan called.
    “What are you doing!?” Angelica screamed in a most snobby voice. “Charmander cannot climb up a tree!”
    “Char!” Charmander roared and climbed up after Treeko as if a Treeko himself, startling all four present and also Treeko.
    “Way to go Char! Now take him down!” Brendan screamed as Angelica watched in dislike and another Pokemon trainer, coming for their first Pokemon stopped to watch and Prof. Oak came out and watched the two Pokemon fighting on the tree in disbelief.
    “I don’t understand! How it that possible!?” Prof. Oak stammered.
    “So am I doing my job well Grandpa?” Brendan asked.
    “Well…I guess so, keep up the good work Brendan.” Prof. Oak said and took the kid who was watching from the side to get his first Pokemon.
    “Char! Char!” Charmander roared as Treeko took a second to catch his breath when a flame ball came straight at him and knocked him off the tree.
    “Amazing!” Charley said, dazed. “Treeko! Get up! You can do it!” Charley said as he saw Charmander jump off the tree and land on Treeko before he could escape.
    “Tree…” Treeko said and he fainted.
    “Come back Treeko!” Charley said as he returned the fainted Pokemon to his ball.
    “Well done Charmander, you deserve some rest too.” Brendan said as he too returned his happy Pokemon. “Great battle Charley, you fought very well.” Brendan said as the two friends shook hands. “And hey, I had the advantage, so it was not even fair.” Brendan said and they laughed.
    Angelica then made a “Humph!” and walked away followed by her Vulpix as the kid from within the lab came out with his Pokemon trailing behind him, a Squirtle.
    “Hey you!” A female voice said and the two friends turned around. A brown haired girl came running up too them, Brendan’s twin sister Dawn. “You just could not wait for your own sister!? So what did you pick? Which Pokemon?” Dawn asked as she came up to them.
    “Well, how about picking one and I’ll show you in a battle.” Brendan said.
    “Oh brother! Fine.” Dawn said and the three went into the lab.
    I was a very big rectangular room; it had different odd machines, desks, chairs, books and a metal staircase leading to a second level which leads into the living quarters of Prof. Oak’s house. It had three giant windows at the end and a few aids working on the side.
    “Grandpa!” Dawn cried as she ran over to her opened arm old grandfather of a professor.
    “Dawn!” He said. “At least one of my grandchildren comes in all enthusiastic and happy to see me.” He said smiling at Brendan and Brendan blushed. “So, come over here, and pick your Pokemon.” He said, leading them over to a big round machine with a big red half circle cap.
    He pressed a button on the side of the machine and the top opened up and there were eleven Pokeballs sitting in eleven sockets and one extra socket empty. The inside of the red dome was a flat screen and it listed all three Kanto starters and new starters Prof. Oak added over the years from Kanto and even Johto.
    “Grandpa, how come there are only eleven balls when it says it should have twelve?” Dawn asked.
    “Well, just this morning the last Pikachu was taken, and that is why there is an empty socket.
    “Professor, didn’t there used to be only three starters?” Charley asked.
    “Yes, but in the past few years trainers were complaining about the lack of Pokemon to choose from so I added eight more to Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur. They are Pikachu, Eevee, Growlithe, Vulpix, Machop, Meowth, Psyduck, Cubone, Pidgey and Rattata.” Professor Oak explained.
    “So which Pokemon will I choose?” Dawn asked herself as she looked at the variety of choices.
    “So Grandpa, you covered the button?” Brendan asked, smirking as he looked at a blue button on the side of the machine with a badly put metal cover.
    “Well after you two used it I found that I should probably cover it before any other ‘adventurers’ come to use it.” Professor Oak said, glaring at Brendan.
    “Why? What did they do?” Dawn asked.
    “A few days ago I added a ‘random button’ to the machine, I did not quite test it out yet, but your brother wanted to use it and before I could stop him he pressed it, it worked but I stopped in the middle. But then Charley over here by mistake bashed into it and it cut the power!” He said and the two boys were blushing.
    “Well Grandpa, I want an Eevee, is it female?” Dawn decided.
    “Yes, that one is actually female; I have no male ones right here.” Professor Oak said taking out the pokeball and handing it to his granddaughter. “Good choice I must say, you know your cousin Gary also started with an Eevee.”
    “Thanks Grandpa.” Dawn said.
    “But wait, here is your Pokedex.” He said handing her a rectangular red gadget. “Information on all Pokemon, berries, items, attacks and more are stored on there.” He said. “And here is your cell phone with all the numbers I added for you.” He said handing her a pink folding cell phone. “And finally your balls.” Professor Oak said and Brendan could not hold back and just cracked up. “Brendan!” Professor Oak said with a menacingly glare witch quickly turned into a smile.
    “Well, bye Grandpa.” Dawn said hugging him and he smiled. “By the way, could I have an evolutionary stone because you love me so much?” She asked with puppy eyes and then he grinned.
    “I see what this was. You are no better than your brother.” He said smiling and the twins laughed. He hugged and kissed them goodbye and they left the lab.
    “Hey Brendan, how about the battle?” Dawn asked as they were outside.
    “Okay, right here?” He asked.
    “Sure!” She answered.
    The two faced each other and the grassy area in between, they were about to fight when Dawn noticed Charley let out Treeko to watch.
    “Charley, what is that Pokemon?” Dawn asked, not sending Eevee out yet.
    “It is called Treeko. Remember how a few months ago I went with my family to tour Hoenn, where my father wants to become a gym leader there? Well as you know, I like grass and bug type Pokemon, so I went to Professor Birch, the professor there and he showed me the three starters of Hoenn, Treeko, Torchic and Mudkip. I asked if I could have Treeko, because I like him better then Bulbasaur who is on all fours but because I was not at least ten he said no, but he told me that he will transfer Treeko to your grandfather to give him to me when I come to get my first Pokemon.” Charley said.
    “Cool. So Brendan, what Pokemon of yours has a chance against my Eevee?” She asked tauntingly as she let the four legged cream fox Pokemon.
    “A shining surprise!” Brendan answered and he called out his Charmander who sparkled in the sunlight and Dawn was amazed.
    “How!?” Dawn asked.
    “Grandpa had it and I by mistake took it instead of a regular Charmander, in the end he let me keep it if I train it well and try to find out all of its special uniqueness, and I already found part, it is very fast and can climb up a tree.” Brendan said.
    “You’re bluffing.” Dawn said.
    “Charmander, fly like the wind.” Brendan said and Charmander let out a cry as it quickly climbed up the tree, leaving Dawn mouth open. “Now pulverize the little fox!” Brendan screamed and Charmander jumped down and charged with a scratch.
    “Okay Eevee, let’s see what you got!” Dawn said. “Ram him!” She said pointing at Charmander.
    Eevee ran towards Charmander. Charmander swiped with his claw and missed as Eevee ducked under and hit the lizard square in the stomach. Charmander flew backwards.
    “Charmander! Ember!” Brendan said and Charmander surprised Eevee and blast it into the wall of the lab.
    “Counter with a growl Eevee!” Dawn said and Eevee growled at Charmander who growled back. Quickly the battle turned into a growling contest, who can growl louder until Charmander broke off and swiped Eevee with a scratch and burnt it with an ember and scratched it again before sending it flying into the trees with its tail.
    “Eevee…” Eevee said and fainted and the twins returned their Pokemon to their balls.
    “Good Match sis.” Brendan said shaking his sister’s hand.
    The three mounted their bikes and started off through Pallet Town, down the roads and past houses, all the way to the great grassy areas between Pallet and Viridian City. On the way they saw some Rattata lying on the ground but they did not pay attention until they came across a struggling Pidgey in a knot of white strings. Dawn quickly got off her bike and called out Eevee to gnaw at the strings and finally cut them open. The Pidgey then flapped one wing but the other one was bent.
    “Oh, you poor thing.” Dawn said as she scooped it into her arms. “Come, we will get you to the Viridian Pokemon Center where they will fix you up.” Dawn said soothingly and the bird Pokemon stopped flailing.
    The three continued on their way seeing more and more tied up and hurt Pokemon, wondering who did this. Then they neared two groups of trees and heard someone in between.
    “Now, Caterpie!” The mean voice said and a string shot tied up a fleeting Pidgey in mid-flight. “Now quickly! Pikachu!” The voice said and a volt of lightning hit the bird in mid-air and it fainted.
    “That is just evil.” Dawn said to her brother. “We have to stop this lunatic.”
    “Okay, each of us will let out our Pokemon and hope for the best.” Brendan said.
    “Okay, Treeko! Go blast those Pokemon into the ground!” Charley said letting out his Treeko.
    “Charmander! Burn the Caterpie! And I mean burn!” Brendan said letting out his Charmander who followed Treeko up a tree.
    “Eevee! Knock that Pikachu off its feet!” Dawn called out and her Eevee came forward without her touching the ball and it ran forward followed by the three trainers.
    “Bronck Serge!” Brendan shouted, recognizing the hooligan who was their age.
    “Hey Dawn!” He said grinning at Dawn and ignoring the others, all three of them had a look of disgust on their face.
    “What are you doing!?” Dawn demanded, glaring at him.
    “Training of course.” He said, still staring at Dawn.
    “Well how you are fighting is just not a fair way.” Brendan said.
    “And what are you three going to do about it?” He said threateningly. “Pikachu! We got human bait!” He said. “Pikachu?” He asked when he did not hear a blast of lightning.
    He turned around to see Treeko and Eevee pulverizing Pikachu until it let out a spark of furry and blasted them away. Then he turned to his Caterpie just as it was slashed and burned and knocked out by Charmander. The three Pokemon then ganged up on Pikachu who then electrocuted them all at once and knocked them down.
    “Now electrify those brats!” Bronck said glaring at the two boys when suddenly the Pidgey that was in the basket on the front of Dawn’s pink bike took flight. It soared down and grabbed Pikachu by the tail and smashed it into the tree as a bolt of electric shock was released and it both of them. Charmander ran and caught Pidgey as Treeko pounded Bronck’s feet having him fall to the ground as Eevee gave the finishing blow, taking Pikachu out.
    Charmander put the fainted Pidgey back into the basket as Bronck returned his Pokemon. Bronck glared at the trio promising revenge as he got to his bike which he found all covered in white string and a Rattata attacked him. Without thinking twice Brendan let out Charmander who knocked the Rattata out and ripped open the string before the trio rode off.
    “How evil was he!?” Dawn said annoyed. “What he did was just totally not nice!” She said.
    They quickly got to the Pokemon Center and went to Nurse Joy after saying goodbye to Charley.
    “Nurse! I have a hurt Pokemon!”Dawn said as she put the hurt Pidgey on the counter.
    “Oh don’t worry! I’ll fix him up!” The red headed nurse said as a Chansey came with a cart and put the Pidgey on and disappeared into the operating room.
    “Let’s go visit Cousin Gary, I want to get his badge!” Brendan said as the two rode on their bikes towards the Viridian Gym.
    “You have no chance Brendan; he is the eight gym leader!” Dawn said but he did not care.
    They rode to the big gym and put their bike against the wall and entered. They went into the battle arena to find Gary battling an opponent and sending his opponent’s Tauros into the wall by his Blastoise’s hydro pump and thus winning the match and the trainer left in furry.
    “That guy tried already three times, one for every tail of his prized Tauros, he does not get it that you do not use Arbok against Alakazam.” Gary said getting down from the field. “So what are you two here for? “Gary asked.
    “To fight you!” Brendan said and Dawn put her face in her hands.
    “Brendan, only after you wipe Blaine’s butt clean will I fight you, I can outtake your new starter Pokemon with a headbutt of my Umbreon.” Gary said. “But I do have something for you Brendan.” Gary said sticking his hand in his pocket and throwing a shiny blue scale at Brendan. “This is a scale of a Kingdra, and a mighty one in fact; it is used to evolve a Seadra or to power up dragon attacks, I got it and I thought of you.” Gary said and Brendan said a thank you as a great grin spread across his face. “I knew you’d like it. What Pokemon did each of you choose?” Gary asked and the two let out their Pokemon. “Wow! Gramps gave you a shiny Charmander! Wow. And you Dawn, taking after me? Well then I have something for you to.” Gary said handing her a green, a red and a yellow stone. “Once you use one of them return the rest to me, but wait until you use it.” Gary said.
    “Thanks!” She said happily as she hugged him.
    “Can I still try to fight you?” Brendan asked.
    “Fine, but it’ll be quick so pay attention.” Gary said and they climbed up on the field.
    “Go Charmander!” Brendan said and Charmander ran out to the middle of the field.
    “Go Arcanine!” Gary said and let out a big red dog with black stripes and a white tail and white main. “Bash him! Hyperspeed!” Gary said and before Charmander could retaliate it was bashed into the wall and defeated.
    “Wow!” Brendan said, eyes wide and mouth open as he returned his lizard Pokemon to its ball.
    The two bid their cousin farewell and left the gym. When they went to their bikes they found two destroyed bikes, electrified to the core and a runaway Bronck on a bike. The two quickly ran to the police station and found Officer Jenny there and told her about Bronck.
    “So he is the one who attacked all those Pokemon? Well he is reported to be a trouble maker. About the attacked Pokemon, would you two be able to volunteer to help collect all of them to the Pokemon Center?” Blue haired Officer Jenny asked.
    “Sure.” Dawn answered, also volunteering Brendan.
    “So if you could please take two bikes form the back with metal carts and collect as many Pokemon as you can and bring them back to Viridian it would be a great help.” Officer Jenny said and the two took two motorbikes attached with big metal plates with bars on the sides and rode off into Route 1.
    For a few hours they collected Pokemon and returned them to the Pokemon Center. They collected Pokemon like Bellsprout, Farfetch'd, Ekans, Tangela, Oddish, Diglett, Paras, Spearow, Pidgey, Caterpie, Weedle, Kakuna, Metapod, Butterfree, Beedrill and Venonat. They collected alone sixty nine Pokemon all together and there was a total of one hundred and sixty three Pokemon found there. Besides Dawn and Brendan, Gary, Nurse Joy and some Chansey helped. The twins did not train very little either, a lot of wild Pokemon who were or healthy and did not like interference or hurt Pokemon who were still very hostile gave the two quite a hard time. Towards the end Brendan put his last Pokemon on the cart, a Weedle, when he saw a scared purple male Nidoran on the side.
    “Are you hurt little fella?” Brendan asked in a friendly tone.
    “Nido nido.” It answered angrily and attacked, but it was paralyzed a little.
    “Go Charmander!” Brendan called out his trusty Pokemon. “Attack! Ember!” Brendan said.
    Charmander skillfully dodged the shiny purple horn of the Nidoran and blasted it with an ember and it got burned. Meanwhile, Brendan learned how to use his Pokedex while they were working, so he checked Nidoran on his Pokedex. The Pokedex read and said out loud:
    Nidoran, the Poison Pin Pokemon. The male Nidoran has developed muscles for moving its ears. Thanks to them, the ears can be freely moved in any direction. Its large ears are always kept upright and are flapped like wings when it is listening to distant sounds, even the slightest sound does not escape this Pokémon's notice. It stiffens its large ears to sense danger. If it senses danger, it will strike first with a poisonous sting and it extends toxic barbs. It is small, but its horn is filled with poison and the larger its horns, the more powerful its secreted venom. The size of its body thorns indicates its toxicity.
    “Okay Charmander, careful of its hor-” Brendan said just as the now shining horn rammed into the lizard as it shot flames from its mouth sending Nidoran into the tree. “Charmander! Are you okay?” Brendan asked as the now glowing pink Pokemon.
    “Brendan! He’s poisoned!” Dawn said.
    “Char!” Charmander then roared as it attacked the now frightened Nidoran and it rammed into it and slashed it before collapsing, but it did not faint yet.
    “Return Charmander!” Brendan said as he returned his lizard. “Wow, you are strong Nidoran.” He said as the Nidoran suddenly growled and started at Brendan. “What!? What do I do!?” Brendan stammered and then thought of something. “If you’re not running I’ll catch you! Go Pokeball!” Brendan said and threw a Pokeball at the weak Nidoran. It turned twice and the Nidoran broke free.
    “Eevee! Tackle!” Dawn said and Eevee tackled the surprised Nidoran and toppled it on its back. It flailed for a few seconds and then gave up, it was scratched and tired. “Give it another hit Eevee!” Dawn said and the Nidoran let out a cry and tried to get up but was too weak. “Okay Brendan He’s all yours.” Dawn said.
    “He!?” Brendan asked in confusion.
    “Yes, he, purple is male and blue is female.” Dawn explained.
    “Okay, odd, well here goes my second ball!” Brendan said as he threw another Pokeball at Nidoran. It turned four times and was caught. “Yes!” Brendan said and put it with Charmander’s ball on his belt. “Now let’s go back!” Brendan said and the two raced to the Pokemon Center as the sun started to get lower and lower in the sky.
    When they returned, Officer Jenny gave them each one bike voucher for a bike from the Cerulean City Bicycle Shop as a thank-you. Then they went to the Pokemon Center to heal their Pokemon for Charmander and Nidoran were both badly hurt, Charmander even more.
    “Oh by the way, how is Pidgey?” Dawn asked afterwards before leaving.
    “Oh, he has gotten much better Dawn.” Nurse Joy said. “He just needs a little rest; you can take him back, Chansey, please get Pidgey.” Nurse Joy asked one of the big, round pink Pokemon with white nurse hats on their heads and eggs in their pouches. A Chansey brought Pidgey out who flapped happily when he saw Dawn.
    “It looks like Pidgey is very happy to see you Dawn.” Nurse Joy said.
    “Yeah, Pidgey, do you want to come with me?” Dawn asked the bird Pokemon.
    “Pidg Pidgey!” Pidgey said happily and Dawn put a Pokeball on the counter and Pidgey caught itself within it.
    The brother and sister returned home very tired. They got inside and let out their
    Pokemon.
    “Well, very nice Pokemon children.” Their father Mince said. “We heard about your bikes and that Bronck kid.” He said. “He ran away?”
    “Yes. We decided that we will leave tomorrow on our Pokemon adventure.” Dawn said.
    “Great idea, you guys should have a good rest.” Their mother Luna said with her Lunatune floating next to her.
    “But do not worry, he’ll be caught.” Mince said reassuringly. “I heard he destroyed your bikes.” Mince said. “We’ll try to get you two new ones; it would be a lot easier with them.”
    “You don’t have to dad; Officer Jenny gave us vouchers for the Cerulean City Bicycle Shop as a token of appreciation.” Dawn said.
    “Great.” Mince said. “And what a token that is.”
    “Dawn, Brendan, how about you two set up for your Pokemon the extra room to sleep in.” Luna recommended.
    “Okay.” Dawn said and the two went up the wooden staircase of their house to the second floor of the three upper floors.
    “Go Pokemon!” They both said and Charmander, Eevee, Nidoran and Pidgey came out of their balls.
    Soon Brendan and Dawn had a perch for Pidgey and a bunch of big pillows for the other Pokemon (and a metal tin for Charmander to put his tail on). The four Pokemon and their trainers went down to the kitchen for their last supper at home before they start their amazing journey.
    “That is one shiny Charmander Brendan.” Mince told his son as they were all eating and the Pokemon were eating on the side on the floor. “How did you get Grandpa to give it to you?”
    “Well I picked Charmander.” Brendan started after he gulped down a mouthful of eggs and Dawn coughed. “And it was shiny, so instead of taking my new Pokemon he told me to keep an eye on it and see what special abilities it has being it is shiny.” Brendan said as his father’s Solrock hovered above him.
    “You know that rock and water are super effective on fire Brendan? Because the first two gyms are rock and water.” Mince said.
    “I know, but hey! I got Nidoran and I’ll catch a few more Pokemon here and there and you guys gave us rods! So I’ll catch water Pokemon.” Brendan said.
    “Very good rods Brendan.” Luna clarified.
    “Fine, fine, hey, it is your journey, you will have to face all the challenges and none will stand behind you to help you, not to make you feel lost of course but every trainer must do the best they can, that is the most important.” Mince said.
    “Dad.” Dawn said to change the topic. “Lunatune and Solrock are not from Kanto, right?”
    “Correct, they are from Hoenn.” Mince said.
    “Hoenn…Were we born in Hoenn?” Brendan asked.
    “No, but your mother and I did live in Hoenn for a while and your mother was even born there.” Mince said.
    “Well, mom, did you catch any Kanto or Johto Pokemon?” Brendan asked.
    “Well…no, I guess not.” Luna said after a bit of thinking.
    “So Lunatune, Sceptile, Sharpedo, Delcatty, Linoone, Pelipper, Volbeat and all our Zigzagoons are from Hoenn?” Dawn asked perplexed. “Why did you not catch any Kanto Pokemon?”
    “Because I had no need, it is not good to have so many Pokemon, the only one who like what is your cousin Gary and he claims he did it for your grandfather for his research, but even your Uncle Barry does not like what his son did. Catching hundreds of Pokemon. His rival, Ash, had a few but he had a strong bond with all of them and they were all trained and strong, besides maybe his thirty Tauros.” Luna said.
    “So dad, what about you’re Pokemon?” Dawn asked.
    “Well, I started with a Squirtle.” He said as they heard a noise and turned to see through the back glass sliding doors of their home, Blastoise standing, mouth open and his two pumps shot out water at great speeds which fell as rain and watered the grass and plants behind him. “And in Cerulean I found a wild Bulbasaur and caught it. Then between Lavender Town and Saffron City I caught a Growlithe who I later evolved into an Arcanine at Cinnabar Island which is where I received a female Arcanine to take care of by my friend Jack until I met him in Johto where until then I had an offspring, a male Growlithe who he let me keep.” Mince said as a small fluffy red dog climbed onto Dawn’s legs and she giggled and pet him. “No, I did not do the Pokemon League, I had only five Pokemon, one not being mine and the other too weak, but I did defeat Agatha who was the Viridian City Gym Leader in those days and I had all eight gym badges before I went to meet Jack in Johto. There I caught a Mareep who evolved there into Ampharos. I also caught there a Miltank; female of course who after I got to the 8th place in the Johto League I left it at the Johto Miltank Farm where also Avi Watson’s Miltank is.” Mince said.
    “You just idolize him Brendan.” Dawn said.
    “What!? He is the best dragon type trainer in the world! I also want to be like him one day.” Brendan said.
    “Okay Brendan.” Dawn said. “Dad, you still did not have six Pokemon without Growlithe.”
    “Yes, but I did not use him until my last two battles, Squirtle and Bulbasaur who before I was done with Kanto evolved and my Arcanine and Growlithe who were very strong, yes, small cute Growlithe can almost take down my Venasaur. Ampharos and Miltank were also not weak; I made it to the top eight.” Mince explained. “Then I heard about Hoenn and Jack went to Kanto, so we parted our ways, he now lives in Saffron. Now I went to Hoenn with three Pokemon, leaving Growlithe and Ampharos with grandpa; while Miltank I gave to the Johto Miltank Farm until I need him as I said earlier.
    “So I got to Hoenn and I caught a Zigzagoon and a Tailow before the first gym, also a rock gym like Pewter, where Hoenn’s is in Rustboro City which is where you mom grew up and lived, but I did not meet her there. Meanwhile I was collecting gym badges when my Tailow evolved to Swellow and my Zigzagoon evolved too, who is male unlike your mother’s female Linoone. I also caught Illumise in a bug contest where your mother caught her Volbeat Then when I got to Evergrande City I caught a Meditite who I trained there until it evolved into Medicham over there.” Mince said as the kids turned around to see a human like pink Pokemon meditating on the carpet in the living room.
    “I met mom in the Evergrande League and I am the one who because of me she only got to the top sixteen, oh was she mad!” Mince said and Luna covered her mouth and tried to hold in the laughter. “Her hardest Pokemon to defeat was her half moon shaped psychic Lunatune, I was amazed. After I lost to Elite Four Drake in the semi-finals I asked your mother where she caught Lunatune. “She said she caught it in Meteor Falls, a cave a little North of Rustboro, but she was mean!” Mince said and Luna could not take it but the quiet blonde haired mother of Dawn and Brendan just let out a laugh the two kids never heard before. “Yes, I then went to catch one but instead I met a glowing sun shaped Solrock who amazed me more so I caught it. I then went to go to the Battle Frontier where I met your mom again who apologized for how she acted and decided that she’ll come with me and we will do the Battle Frontier together, it took us a year, the Battle Pyramid, the one which moves all the time, we chased it through Hoenn, Johto, Kanto and back through Hoenn, we caught it in the desert North of Mauville City. We actually found the place quite nice, so that is where we lived after we got married a few years later.
    “Now it took a year, but it was not my fault really, because it was your mom who took four times beating every place, but I stuck with her, we had fun, but when we finished I went back to Kanto to return to Hoenn half a year later, met up with your mom, married in Hoenn at ages twenty two, me, and your mother twenty and we moved to Mauville. Yes, we saw Avi a few times, I beat his Flygon not once but six times with Arcanine. Then after three years, grandpa was getting older, his son, Uncle Barry moved from Viridian to open the third Pokemon Contest Tent in Kanto, in Lavender Town which then moved to Fuchsia City, so we moved back to Kanto, here to Viridian and a year later you two were born.” Mince finished.
    “Wow. I only remember mom’s parents and siblings visiting us a few times, but never seen their Pokemon really and I never knew they were from Hoenn. How come we never visited?” Dawn asked.
    “I really don’t know, but you know what, after you two become Pokemon Champions in the near future we can go to Hoenn, or maybe after Kanto try the Hoenn Pokemon League.” Luna proposed.
    “Okay.” Brendan said. “But dad, mom, can I take one of the baby Zigzagoons?” He asked.
    “Well, your Mother and I were talking about this. What do you say Luna?” Mince asked his wife.
    “On one condition.” Luna said. “That you don’t go around catching Pokemon like your cousin, you can only carry six, so if you promise not to pass, in Kanto, sixteen Pokemon, including Zigzagoon and your Pokemon you have now, you both can have each one of the Zigzagoons born last year.” Luna said.
    “Promise!” The two kids said together enthusiastically.
    “Okay, Solrock, please.” Mince said and Solrock floated to the stairs to the basement of the house and a minute later it came up with two white long fox like Pokemon with brown vertical stripes on its sideways body. “Linoones, would you care of Ziggity and Noon would go with Brendan and Dawn?” Mince asked his Pokemon.
    “Linoone! Noone!” They answered and hopped off of Solrock and scampered down the stairs.
    “What was that answer dad?” Brendan asked.
    “It was an ‘I’ll ask them’ type of answer.” Mince answered and minutes later, two small brown and beige zigzagged and spiky furred Pokemon came scampering up the stairs followed by their parents with their Pokeballs at mouth.
    “I call Ziggity!” Dawn called and one of the little Zigzagoons jumped to her open arms.
    “Come here Noony!” Brendan called to the other one who jumped onto his lap.
    ***
    The next morning the twins and their six Pokemon got up early, got everything needed in two medium sized bags. They got their Pokeballs, used and not used, including extra their parents gave them to give them sixteen balls all together, including five blue Great Balls each, their Pokedexes, cell phones, food, water, vouchers, sleeping bags, super fishing rods, a portable stove, a small generator, different books, clothes and other things, all on them and they stood outside the door, already eaten and ready to leave. They hugged and kissed their parents goodbye and were about to leave until their father called them.
    “Wait!” Mince cried.
    “What?” Dawn asked as the two stopped on the second step to the house and turned around.
    “Oh…nothing, just stick together, stay safe, have fun, and we’ll miss you.” Mince said as he and his wife were standing at the door smiling with all nineteen of their Pokemon behind them, waving goodbye, flapping in the air, barking, howling, roaring, buzzing, stamping, blasting water into the air, all saying their own goodbyes to the twins as they stepped down the stairs and got farther and farther away, but still waving until they could not see the house anymore.
    “We just started on our Pokemon journey!” Dawn squealed.
    “Calm down, we did not even leave the city yet.” Brendan said.
    “Oh come on Brendan, really!? We talked about this.” Dawn said as she rolled her eyes.
    “Fine, sorry…race you to the end of the city!” Brendan cried.
    “You’re on!” She answered and they both started running through the streets, and after a few seconds also laughing.
    “Go Pokemon! Win for me!” Brendan cried as Dawn was almost passing him.
    “Two can play at this game!” Dawn cried. “Go Pokemon! Tire ‘em out!” Dawn yelled over the rush of air.
    They ran all right, through parks, past houses, under bridges and through the streets, almost getting hit by a car and a bike. At a certain point, when their Pokemon were way ahead of them and could not be seen, Dawn finally passed Brendan.
    “Ooo! Brendan is being outrun by a girl!” Dawn said in a taunting way.
    “Oh no you don’t! Brendan! Extremespeed!” Brendan roared and ran as fast as he could, finally starting to catch up again to Dawn.
    “Let me guess which Pokemon you took that from? Um…Rayquaza! And Avi’s Rayquaza.” Dawn said.
    “So! It is a good attack; dad’s Arcanine and Gary’s Arcanine has it too.” Brendan said, gasping for air, still running as fast as possible, finally getting ahead of Dawn.
    Finally after a few more minutes of running they reached the outskirts of the city. They went over the final bridge and left the urban city out to the rural air. The road turned into a dirt road leading up a small slope where Charmander, Eevee, Nidoran, Pidgey, Ziggity and Noon were waiting and cheered happily as their trainers ran up the mount and fell on the floor when they reached the top of the hill.
    “Who do you think won?” Brendan asked, still gasping for breath as he sat on the grass, after drinking some water.
    “Does it really matter?” Dawn asked.
    “No, just I want to know if my Extremespeed worked.” Brendan said with the most serious tone and Dawn broke out into laughter. “I’m serious!” Brendan said, but Dawn made a face at him and he too burst into tears of laughter.
    “So, there it is, Viridian.” Dawn sighed as they looked over the city.
    “And behind us is the grand maze like forest.” Brendan said.
    “You know.” Dawn said as she looked at her watch, it took us only ten minutes to run through the city.” Dawn said.
    “Why? What time did we leave? We left at 9:20? Because now it is 9:30.” Brendan said.
    “Yup.” Dawn answered.
    “Wow! That was fast.” Brendan said.
    “But it was not the whole city.” Dawn said.
    “Okay. Are you ready to continue?” Brendan asked.
    “Sure.” Dawn answered and Brendan got up and put his bag on his shoulders. “Can you help me get up?” Dawn asked and Brendan put out his hand and she pulled herself up and put her bag on her shoulders.
    They took one more glance at the city and then turned around towards the vast forest which lies before them. Dawn squeezed his hand.
    “I’m ready.” She said and they started off towards the forest with the hot sun in their eyes, so they both took out sunglasses and put them on.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: I'm wirting a fanfiction Pokemon Story- Pokemon Jewel

    Thank you, and I want to know, I make Pokemon talk to each other too, so I want to know if I should put it in like regular people talking (1) or special (2)?-
    (1) "(Words)" (Someone) said.
    (2) (Someone): (Words).
    Do it the first way... the second way is completely inconsistent unless everyone who says anything is done that way (which would turn it more into a script / screenplay than prose...)

    I didn't read your actual story, but what I can say is that you should add extra line breaks between paragraphs. Especially one-line paragraphs. It looks really cluttered. Especially since text can't be indented on these boards.
    Last edited by Xenidal; 4th May 2012 at 02:08 PM.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: I'm wirting a fanfiction Pokemon Story- Pokemon Jewel

    one big no-no on the writer's workshop, as well as a huge pain in the ass, is when people post their fic ALL in one block of text. in the future, please double-space between paragraphs to provide a more easier read for reviewers.

    (1) "(Words)" (Someone) said.
    (2) (Someone): (Words).
    number one is the ideal way to make a fic, or any story for that matter as it is the usual format. number two is basically script for things like screenplays, stage plays, etc. usually people don't like that format here, so it's best to keep it at the usual story format. still, it is possible to make a screenplay type of format, only if it is REALLY good. otherwise, stick to story format, please.

    “Charmander! Scratch!” Brown haired Brendan called as his bipedal shiny bright yellow fire lizard Pokemon went with a shining claw down on Charley’s Treeko who dodged it but not by much.
    alright, to start this off, i have an issue with "brown haired brendan called" it's a very unusual way to describe his hair color, and yes, description is always good, but this is very odd and doesn't flow well. something better would be "brendan called, his brown hair whipping with the breeze" (that is, if they're outside. if they're in an arena, maybe the air conditioning? or maybe brendan is sweating from the heat of the battle, so you could put something about his brown hair being soaked in sweat).

    also, one of the many things that annoys me in this sentence is the run-on. "bipedal shiny bright yellow fire lizard pokemon" is A LOT to explain. add commas in between, as it is a list of descriptions. and "shiny" is almost the same as "bright", unless you're describing the yellow. i would probably get rid of the shiny and just leave it at "bright-yellow" plus, you said shining again, so it would be even better to remove it as to introduce new describing words rather than repeating some. "went with a shining claw down on charley's treecko" is rather confusing. "went" does not really belong in this sentence. "charged" would be better. and then, to rearrange the sentence, "charged with a shining claw, and slashed it down on charley's treecko". it sounds a lot better this way, and isn't as confusing. you just lacked a couple of action words. and remember to add commas where needed!

    “Now! Treeko! Go in for a pound!” Charley Sprout, Brendan’s green haired friend, also from Viridian City called after his green two footed Pokemon and Treeko too missed as it slammed into the ground.
    "green-haired friend" is like saying "brown-haired brendan" and doesn't flow well. i would instead rearrange it to, "brendan's friend with green hair" (also, green hair isn't a natural hair color... is it dyed?) and again, with the commas. the whole sentence is a huge run-on. a comma after green, and pokemon. even better than a comma would be to get rid of and and instead put a semi-colon or a period. a comma after treecko and too, because too is an interrupter in this sentence (i do believe, excuse me if my grammar's wrong; i'm terrible when it comes to interrupters xD).

    “Charmander! Growl and then go in for a scratch!” Ten year old Brendan called a second attack in his first Pokemon battle against his friend who also just got his first Pokemon, both by a random pick.
    okay, now it's just getting to be a nuisance. you're describing the characters before their name. just say their name; and then mention their ages later. maybe at the end you can say "brendan was ten years old and just got his pokemon license" because you do explain how it is his first battle.

    Charmander growled at the gecko Pokemon who then trembled a bit but as Charmander flung his four super razor sharp nails at him, Treeko made a flip in the air and landed behind him. Then Treeko tried to hit Charmander with a pound with his leafy tail but Charmander was too quick and ducked and hit Treeko with his own tail and Treeko stumbled back a bit and fell.
    comma after bit. also, use "treecko then" instead of "then treecko". comma after tail. there are too many ands in the couple of words afterwards. "but charmander was too quick and ducked, hitting treecko with his own tail, making treecko stumble back a bit and fall." would be a good rendition to get rid of the excessive ands.

    these are just a few examples of the things i found in your story, there is more, but to be honest this would be a HUGE post if i put all of them down :U. most of your story contains run-on information of description, most of which is not really needed. there isn't so much as character development as there is battling and pokemon, etc. some of the words you use are mentioned over and over again; i would suggest a thesaurus to help you with that so as to not repeat words. it becomes a nuisance for reviewers.

    also, the storyline is moving a bit too fast. there is way too much that is going on in this first chapter, and i found it really hard to follow and understand. some more explaining would be a great idea. plus, what's going on is a little generic for a journey fic; i'd love to see some good originality in this fan-fiction.

    tl;dr, this needs some construction done on it, but i'll be happy to review more if you want.
    Last edited by an illegible mess.; 4th May 2012 at 02:52 PM.

  4. #4
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm wirting a fanfiction Pokemon Story- Pokemon Jewel

    The first way will work fine imo.

    Dude, you HAVE TO space your paragraphs! I started to read your story, but didn't get past your first line. Not to sound mean, its justb ecause you have to space them! The reader can really lose a lot of interest just looking at that huge block of text.

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