IDEA: ABDICATION
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  1. #1
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default IDEA: ABDICATION

    Hey everyone. Thought of this after reading some prison stories, and thought I'd give it a shot. Takes place in a world full of anthropomorphic Pokémon, meaning that there are no humans, and the Pokémon basically are the humans...like the mystery dungeon series. Except, this is like in urban times, with cities and modern things like that, pretty much our dail lives except in the shoes of Pokémon. This is a "demo" persay of the first chapter. Put a lot of work into kind of constructing the overall feel, may not be alot, but please tell me what you think ^_^

    ABDICATION


    CHAPTER 1 (DEMO)

    “Here we are live at the scene of the trial for Banette, Pokémon # 354,” said Mr. Mime. He took a pause before continuing, “Banette was arrested 3 weeks ago for murder, and after having his trial postponed, is now in the court room, waiting to hear his sentence.”

    It was a dark, rainy day, no cloud in the sky. Police Staraptors flew above the court, circling the above space with stiffness like it was their last flight ever. Police barricades blocked off the sides of the path into the court, while the public and media nervously waited to see for any sign of Banette exiting the court. Police were trying their best to keep the public at ease, but the pandemonium was too much to control. You couldn’t blame them. Crime among the Pokémon wasn’t common ever since… well, we’ll get into that later.

    (Meanwhile, in the court room.)

    Banette ran his fingers over the top of his head and sighed. Not one of tiredness or pity, though, but one of disbelief. To think my greed brought me to this place he thought, the place that decides whether I’m home free, or stuck dying in a prison for the rest of my damned life. The whole court room was shrouded by tension, the jury going over all the evidence preparing a statement, while the judge waited for their decision. Banette had no lawyer present, but he tried his best to justify his actions when he was asked questions by the opposing lawyer.

    Murder, he thought to himself. The word was fresh in his mind even though he had heard before a million times. Maybe it had a new essence to it, since he personally committed the crime. He curled his hand into a fist. It was for the right reasons Banette stated in his head, I couldn’t let them hurt all those kids… and I couldn’t put up with them hurting me. He shot a quick glance over to the jury still discussing the situation, and then another to the judge, a bulky and disciplined Dewgong, seeing that he was growing impatient. He began quickly looking over everyone seated before him; the victim’s parents, his two friends…and his own parents. It took every ounce of self-control for Banette not to jump into the crowd and cling to his father, to be consoled by his mother, to cry until they could cry no more, and most importantly to leave, without a care in the world. Go to Undella Town for vacation, play with his cousins and eat Oran Berry sandwiches made fresh by his mother with a side of Cherri Berry Soda. Instead, all he probably had to look forward to was a dull, boring prison with no life, no color, no emotion, nothing. Just to work, eat, and sleep until the fateful day when you finally passed away.

    He felt guilty for this, but Banette couldn’t help but smile a little thinking about all those good times. But that smile immediately turned into a grimace as he thought about the idea of rotting away in a prison for the next 70 or so years. He looked over to his mother, pink-face and eyes red, still from crying. She couldn’t even make eye contact with him; the thought of losing your son must have been unbearable, and Banette felt a sudden pang of guilt wedge its way into his heart. Banette’s eyes moved to his father, one hand on his mother’s shoulder, and another in his pocket. His father looked weary and distraught, waiting just as nervously as everyone else for Banette’s sentence. Banette looked over to where his two life-long best friends were seated, Litwick and Drifloon. Litwick’s eyes were sad and his face seemed to be full of sorrow. He saw Banette looking at him, and Litwick flashed him a sad smile. Drifloon looked tense and nervous, looking like he was ready to boil over at any minute. He saw Banette looking at him and turned away, but Banette saw Drifloon looking at him when he thought Banette didn’t notice. The look on Drifloon’s face was one of pure grief, but one of compassion as well.

    “Our statement is ready,” announced the jury. Among them included Quagsire, Xatu, Bayleef, Dugtrio, BIissey, Pansear, Noctowl, Slowking, Munchlax, and the leader of the jury, Hypno. The judge bellowed, “Well, don’t leave me hanging. Is he guilty or not?” Noctowl stepped forward, “We find the defendant…” Banette’s heart was racing. This is it he thought. Guilty or Innocent. One of those words can put me in hell, another in bliss. His heart was beating so loud it felt like the world could hear it. He crossed his fingers, and said a short prayer to God. The tension, which was already thick, seemed to rise to a new level, like the minute before a volcano erupts. Banette snapped back to reality. He noticed that the whole court was noisy, the room engulfed in chaos. “SILENCE!” hollered the judge. His voice was like thunder. The audience dropped their voices and stopped talking, squirming in their seats and shifting their position until there was finally silence again. Noctowl cleared his throat, and said “Your Honor, we find the defendant…”

    END

    So that's it for now, may be too short, but it's just to give you a feel of my overall goal here. Suggestions and comments would be greatly appreciated. :) Thanks

    If it seems like a good idea, and everyone likes it, I'll turn it into a real fic, probably like a real story around 20 or 25 chapters or so. Haven't actually finished writing the first chapter yet, either. So, I'll get to work on that I guess.

  2. #2
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: IDEA: ABDICATION

    I've moved this into the main Workshop because it is a story, even if it is just a provisional version. If you want to rewrite it based on this chapter, you can start another thread in the main Workshop and do that. Alternatively, you could just edit your changes into this chapter.

    As for the story itself, I really liked it and I'm really eager to read more. It's always obvious when a writer has put a lot more thought into their story than the actual words you are reading and you clearly have. This is also a really, really interesting take on what is essentially a PMD fic. Keep up the good work - I look forward to the next chapter and the rewrite if you decided to do it.

    (Personally, and this is me talking as a reader rather than as a mod, I don't think you should do a rewrite, I think you should keep going with this fic. It's very good, so I think you could build up quite a fanbase.)

  3. #3

    Default Re: IDEA: ABDICATION

    I don't like prison stories in general, but that doesn't at all mean I don't see the value in your story. In fact I think it's an excellent idea, and while I can't promise I'd follow the story closely perhaps unless it ended up being completed some day, I more than enjoyed reading what's already here and would probably follow along for a while longer to get a sense of where you're going with it.

    Yeah, go right on ahead. This is a great idea and concept, and fairly original from what I've seen in general.

  4. #4
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: IDEA: ABDICATION

    Thanks a lot for your feedback. I'm glad u guys like it a lot. I'm not going do a rewrite, just gonna use this as the first part of the chapter. So don't worry, Gama.

    Hope I can can get some more feedback. Then, I'll post a full chapter.

  5. #5
    Requiem Raver Drakon's Avatar
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    Default Re: IDEA: ABDICATION

    I love this. It's a really unique take on the Pokémon universe. It seems to combine NYPD Blue with PMD.
    What are the Legendaries really like? Find out in The Life of the Legendaries

    Humans and pokémon no longer live in harmony. Hear their tales in The Poké Wars Chronicles: Tales From A World At War

    Cynthia once had it all: powerful pokémon, fame and hordes of adoring fans. But Ho-oh's campaign tears her life asunder. Now to survive this deadly new world, she must do the one thing that she never wanted: kill. Follow her trials through a world at war in Poké Wars: Downfall of a Champion

  6. #6
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: IDEA: ABDICATION

    We find the defendant ... ? Oh you can't be serious.

    Definitely an interesting premise, but what happens next?


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