i wannna be a coooadinater!
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Thread: i wannna be a coooadinater!

  1. #1

    Default i wannna be a coooadinater!

    ok i was just watching the anime where may comes to sinnoh and though of what it would be like traviling as a cooadinater in jhoto so i decided to make a story up about it but with my own charcters kimiko,eyubyol and reno.kimiko wannts to be a cooadinater eyubyol wants to be a bredder and onuw wants to be a pokemon trainer

    chapter 1

    kiniko woke up as the sunshined in her room.finally im going to start my journy she said as she got dressed.She wore a light pink top and a white mini skirt.Kimiko placed her hairband on top of her head grabbed her gold neckless and ran down stairs.
    what took you so long, her mother head peered round the kichen to see why she was late."you will have to hurry if you want to get a pokemon."yeah sure mom".kimiko darted out the door with her new side bag and headed to get her first pokemon then she remembered eyubyol her best friend was getting a pokemon to so headed for her house."hello mrs hara is eyubyol here"kimiko asked as politfully as she could."shes in her room packing her stuff.kimiko ran to eyubyol room to find her packing and tyaping somehting into a devise. hey eyubyol what have you got there.eyubyol turned to see kimiko then turned back to the device.its a pokeseva it has aceses to the internet and is a mp3 player".thats cool where did you get it from kimiko asked.proffeser elm gave it me and then he sent me to fetch you so we can get are pokemon.well then lets go!they steeped out to find it raining.run kimiko we neeed to hurry.once they made it to the proffeser elms lab they rushed inside still ready to start there journy."Hello i guess you brought her then he said as he handed kimiko a pokeseva.proffeser elm then opened a old looking suitecase and throw out 3 pokeballs.just then proffeser oak came in with a boy about there age."this is onuw i found him outside the lab.proffeser oak then handed 3 pokeballs to proffeser elm. "choose 2 pokemon out of these 6 he said to them.kimiko stared at the diffrent pokemon chikorita,todile,cyndaquil,charmander,squritle and bulbasaur.she bent down and picked up chikorita and squirlte eyubyol chosse
    cyndaquil and bulbasaur leaving onuw with charmander and todile.They were then each handed a card."whats this for?onuw asked.proffeser elm shook his head "dont you know its a trainer card. then they all walk out...............

  2. #2
    How is forever? Zephy's Avatar
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    I'm all for coordinator stories but this has absolutely no capitalization, spaces between sentences and is ridden with grammar errors. Sorry but it's almost impossible to read. Fix it up, kay?

    Hi, I'd like to transform you into a yeti.
    Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.

  3. #3
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    There's a lot of grammar errors, and you whole story it together, you need to separate the4 paragraphs, also don't forget to capitalize, and I don't think you spelled Coordinator right in the title

  4. #4
    Gallifrey Stands Jabberwocky's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    I'm sorry, but...

    This sucks. It's all one big block of text, there is BARELY any grammar in it. You're the new Turbo.

  5. #5

    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Yes, please fix this. I wanna read it, cuz i love coordinators but its hard to read this.

  6. #6
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    You misspell two words in the title alone and don't capitalize "I" even though it's both the first word in it AND a proper noun.

    And that's just the TITLE.

    How can you write about coordinators if you can't even spell what it is they do?

  7. #7
    cheese! Insanish Danish's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Oh lord, my head...

    *watches the HoS*
    back to being a non-edible pastry

  8. #8
    Eeny Leeney Miny Mo! *Leeney*'s Avatar
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    It's kinda hard to read. you didn't space out sentences, nothing is capitalized and there are more grammical errors. i agree with everyone here, can you fix it please?

    ~Dressed for success

  9. #9

    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jabberwocky View Post
    You're the new Turbo.
    This.

  10. #10

    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Aww, Jabberwocky. Don't hate on the kid.
    The chapter does need lots of cleaning up, though. Can you fix it for us, sweetie?

  11. #11
    Ca-va? Ca-va. Treemo's Avatar
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Ah... No offense, but the grammar needs work. And try to make it easier to read, blocks of text like that are a bit of an eyesore.

    And Jabberwocky, the're only the new Turbo if they bitch about people giving them suggestions for improvement.
    "LI SHANG IS BASICALLY BAMBI. Y'KNOW, IF BAMBI WERE A MAN."
    - My Dear Friend, DR. SHRUBBERY

  12. #12

    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Ouch. I just had to cringe. This is the real thing that inspired me to write that blog, not Prince.

  13. #13
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Can this be locked, or should I leave it open?
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  14. #14
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Locked the user that wrote this hasn't even replied to the story in almost a week

  15. #15
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: i wannna be a coooadinater!

    Okay, consider it done.

    ::locked::
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

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