I was Peer Pressured into This.

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  1. #1
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    Default I was Peer Pressured into This.

    If this is horrible, I am not to blame. First fanfic. Basically set in Pokemon Red area of the universe. That is all.

    Part One: A Bumpy Start

  2. #2
    #YEEZUS Ultra Pidgeot's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Well I'll be. That was a very good start. Beth is maybe a little too whiney, but I was thoroughly impressed. Keep up the good work!

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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Well hey, that was actually pretty good. There's not much in the originality department so far, but it's well written. The dialogue, especially for Alistair, was very well done, which is rare for most authors. I'm interested to see where this goes.

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Seems a little quick-paced for this kind of story.

    At the introduction, that's not usually a good thing. It's not horrible, though, so there's nothing to blame you for.

    My suggestion here would be to not be so directed in your plot. You seem anxious to get from one place to another with the story without stopping to smell the roses. The scene in the middle with Alistair was okay, but that took up about half the chapter, whereas you covered about two chapters' worth of plot in the other half.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sazand*ra View Post
    Seems a little quick-paced for this kind of story.

    At the introduction, that's not usually a good thing. It's not horrible, though, so there's nothing to blame you for.

    My suggestion here would be to not be so directed in your plot. You seem anxious to get from one place to another with the story without stopping to smell the roses. The scene in the middle with Alistair was okay, but that took up about half the chapter, whereas you covered about two chapters' worth of plot in the other half.
    Ah! It's funny you should say that, because in writing that I was afraid that it wasn't eventful enough, that it was too slow paced. XD So you were absolutely right about the anxious thing. I'll work on it, thanks. c:

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Well, being eventful doesn't necessarily mean you rush it through. In fact, sometimes, filling a story up with events will actually make it go more slowly, because you're covering much more detail.

    So yeah, just take your time with stuff. It's more often that new writers go too fast instead of too slow, so you can afford to err on the side of verbosity.

    But make sure that whatever details you put in are important. It's not just the amount that's a problem, it can also be the nature of the details.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Part Two, Viridian City

    Last edited by AwkwardCharmander; 17th April 2011 at 10:45 PM.

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    #YEEZUS Ultra Pidgeot's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Nice chapter, 'cept for the little tense slip-up I told you about. That, and it's a little short.

    Otherwise, it's pretty good.

  9. #9
    lieks SpecialShipping. Pikachu127's Avatar
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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Me liek. WHY THE HECK CAN'T I SAY MORE?!

  10. #10
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: I was Peer Pressured into This.

    Quote Originally Posted by AwkwardCharmander View Post
    “Welcome! I’ll take care of these two for you. Please just take a seat over there, and they’ll be right out.” She said genially, accepting Charlie Orion with a Pokémon caretaker’s gentility.
    Missed an "and" there I believe.

    This chap was also very good. Not much more to say about it, I still really like the dialogue, dunno why. I'm sensing some serious romantic tension between Alistair and Beth, whether you're doing it on purpose or not. I'm looking forward to some insight into character backgrounds for these two.

    Like Ultra Pidgeot said, it's a little short. Personally, I'm a fan of long chapters, but that's just me. It's up to you whether you make them longer or keep them this short.

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