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  1. #1
    Unregistered User Lufenian's Avatar
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    Default The Hunted

    First things first.

    This is a re-post, I originally put it up in November. I wasn't happy with it, so I deleted it. I've finally got round to editing it again and going over the rougher points. It's gone under a lot of changes and I've cut out some un-necessary characters (mains from 6 down to 4) to make storyline flow smoother.

    It's rated Teen for violence and (so far) one rather strong instance of gore in Chapter Two.

    I'd like to thank BlueNostalgia for (unknowingly) providing me with a boatload of inspiration. Reading Skyridge: Ted's Story gave me some drive to start this up again.

    You could say this a Journey fic, but the focus of the plot isn't on badges, or the League. It's moreso about people dealing with what is happening within the story, and why. It's loosely based around the HG/SS story, so expect to see a lot of Team Rocket.

    So, without further ado...

    *drumroll*




    Okay, so that's chapter one.
    Chapter two should be up tomorrow once I'm done editing it.
    Comments/feedback are appreciated - they'll likely end up determining the future of this.
    Last edited by Lufenian; 31st May 2011 at 02:36 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kayde View Post
    "OH HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BELL! IT'S SMALL AND CUTE AND HAS A FUCKING RIBBON ON IT'S FUCKING HEAD! BACK THIS PARTY VAN UP! I GOTTA CATCH THAT SHIT!!"

  2. #2

    Default Re: The Hunted

    I actually like this story. I felt you could have been a bit more discriptive but over all the story line and gramar are very good.
    8.5/10
    Poptarts and milk. :3 Yummm.
    Diamond FC is: 1033-9547-5106, use for all trades and battles in gen IV.
    White FC is: 1592-4476-9385, all trades for gen V.

  3. #3
    Unregistered User Lufenian's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hunted

    Thanks for the feedback caffeine! :)

    I'm sorry this is so late after the said date.
    Not sure about Chapter 3 yet. Hopefully soon.

    NOTE:
    There is a rather graphic instance of gore within the start of this chapter. Just a little warning.




    ~
    Last edited by Lufenian; 31st May 2011 at 10:49 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kayde View Post
    "OH HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BELL! IT'S SMALL AND CUTE AND HAS A FUCKING RIBBON ON IT'S FUCKING HEAD! BACK THIS PARTY VAN UP! I GOTTA CATCH THAT SHIT!!"

  4. #4

    Default Re: The Hunted

    Now I know whats wrong. I thought something wasn't right last time now I figured it out. Your dialog needs improvement and separated. When you wright dialog you need to treat the ending of each character's section of speech as a separate paragraph. Something like,

    "Hello. What a lovely day, isn't it?" The man said.

    "Uh, I guess sir. I-I-I've got to go," The young girl replied rather nervously.

    See what I mean about separation? It makes it easier to read and keep track of who is saying what.
    Poptarts and milk. :3 Yummm.
    Diamond FC is: 1033-9547-5106, use for all trades and battles in gen IV.
    White FC is: 1592-4476-9385, all trades for gen V.

  5. #5
    Unregistered User Lufenian's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hunted

    OHAI.

    Been a while, eh?
    I'm really sorry for taking so long with this chapter. I've had a lot on and I had lost inspiration for this story, but I always seem to be coming back to it and the characters in it, so I may as well try and continue it.

    It's a very short chapter, but a bit intense. I considered combining it with Chapter 4 but I felt it was better alone.



    I'm sorry it's so short.
    Hopefully chapter 4 will be better, please bear with me!
    Last edited by Lufenian; 31st May 2011 at 02:37 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kayde View Post
    "OH HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BELL! IT'S SMALL AND CUTE AND HAS A FUCKING RIBBON ON IT'S FUCKING HEAD! BACK THIS PARTY VAN UP! I GOTTA CATCH THAT SHIT!!"

  6. #6
    Unregistered User Lufenian's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hunted

    Sorry for the doublepost. But here is Chapter 4!
    Chapters 5 & 6 are already done, so I should have them uploaded soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kayde View Post
    "OH HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BELL! IT'S SMALL AND CUTE AND HAS A FUCKING RIBBON ON IT'S FUCKING HEAD! BACK THIS PARTY VAN UP! I GOTTA CATCH THAT SHIT!!"

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