Paige's antics made me lol. Very nice.
Paige's antics made me lol. Very nice.
You had a new dream, it was more like a nightmare.
You were just a little kid, and they cut your hair,
then they stuck you in machines, you came so close to dying.
They should have listened, they thought that you were lying.
-Two by The Antlers
I like Alaska's family. They don't have much, but they're still happy nonetheless.
Oh, and for a second there I thought Alaska was serious when she said her Pokemon would be a good food source if she ran out...hehe, that wouldn't end well. :D
The goodbye scene was well done, with her family being sad for her departure but also encouraging her to do well. And lol at the rock-hard brownies. I just loved the imagery of the knife breaking in two just from trying to cut the brownie. Awesome.
I'm pretty excited to see what happens next. ^^ In terms of errors, I found...none in this chapter. Excellent work!
First off the bat, there were quite a few spelling and grammar errors - such as it's/its confusion and comma placement. I can't point them all out here, it would take too long.
I'll just point out a few of the most egregious here:
Try not to use exclamation marks where they don't belong!Now, it was beyond repair!
It seems like you're throwing the description in there for the sake of it being there, because it's in the same sentence as an action. Try doing this instead:grabbing her rich purple laptop, which has a blue Silph Co logo on the back.
That way, there's a purpose for the description being there.grabbing her laptop. Its cover was a rich purple, with a blue Silph Co. logo on the back.
@ Prologue: Nice start - giving a dreary scene to cut to a much brighter one later on. It's quite a common one, but also the most likely to be well done.
@ Blog 1: Oh, so this is also a blog fic? Oh, no, that's just the first entry.
@ Chapter 1: A few errors that aren't so much spelling as word choice:
You mean Paige, right? That's the name of her Pidgey?Alaska looked around her cramped room as she stood up, while Pidgey fluttered overhead.
Well, I'd think that there are people there who are still around Route 22 around that time of summer. Where would they all be?Summer wasn’t usually the time of year people started their Pokemon journeys, so the grassy route was empty.
Kinda boring, the Indigo League part where she gets all the registration done and all that.
Also, that's a pretty interesting way to start off the first battle.
@ Chapter 2:
Pidgey can learn Steel Wing? I'm in shock. I mean, I have a Garchomp use Razor Leaf and everything, but this? XD
A period after that. The way it is now, it looks like a heading in an encyclopedia or something.Mitchell Melton
This sentence felt a little awkward being placed in there - it hints just a little bit at violating the "show, don't tell" rule.It was clear to both of them that these girls hated each other, and that it would be best not to intervene.
Also, Chloe seems too obvious a snob. Although that might not be a bad thing.
@ Chapter 3:
I have no real comments for the battle until we reach the end.
This is epic win. I wish I'd thought of that, but then again, my story doesn't have any real rivals >_>“Goodbye…. For now.” Alaska said with a wink, and Paige chirped loudly with laughter as they headed up the staircase, leaving half the people behind them looking like they’d been slapped.
@ Chapter 4:
Paige really is comic relief, isn't she. *gets tackled in the feet and falls down* Ah, crap.
The ending was kinda stereotypical, though, don't you think? What with the "grand adventure" and stuff. It's not strictly a bad thing, but just keep it in mind.
I said I'd give you a numerical rating, but that'll come on the next review. Sorry ^_^
The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.
Alaska: Thanks, I think Paige will be a rather popular character :D
MoS: I tried to make Robin into one of those people tha puts a happy face on. We dont see much of them, but I want them to be memorable in ways. And yes, I decided to add some humour in with those brownies :P
Zek: Thanks for doing this detailed review! :D I know I have some errors, but I usually don't notice them until Ive reread the story a million times or someone points it out :P. I do realise the Indigo Plateau part was boring, but it was meant to just set the mood and explain some things. And the reason the Route is bare is because no one is going down that route to register for the League, and thats its only purpose.
And it is half blog fic/half journey fic, and the next part is the second blog. And the ending of Chapter Four was a bit iffy in my opinion, I wasn't sure what I should write. But Alaska does miss her family, and it is meant to be a big adventure, so maybe it came across as cheesy :P
But thanks to everyone that voiced their views!
Blog Two: Route This
Hello once again, fine readers.
It has been two days since I set off on my journey, and I must say, it was a pretty lolsy first day, if I say so myself.
First of: I caught a new Pokemon!! W00t W00t! It’s a Mankey, that little fluffy fighting Pokemon, and I decided to name him Darwin. Cause, ya know, brains beat brawn and all that. He has been rather helpful in aiding Paige in battle, but he does get a little violent when training…. Oh well, nothing like the influence of a kick ass bitch to bring him down to size!
I then had a little run in with some old neighbours. I feel like I’m on Desperate Housewives whenever I walk down my street: everyone is so weird and bitchy. Anyway, I ran into my high pitched, pasty little plague of a neighbour Mitchell (I don’t need to worry about him seeing this, I don’t think he knows how to turn lights on let alone a computer). He’s going to be stalking me during this journey…. Fun! *rolls eyes*
I also ran into that little tart Chloe Carmichael. She was filming for that reality show, and looked like a hippie had thrown up on her dress. I wanted to move on and get passed her and two cast members (some guys called Damian and Lachlan), however, I found the smug little creature challenging me to a battle. And who am I to refuse such a glorious opportunity to kick her Thighmaster-crafted behind?
We battled at the Viridian Trainer House. The receptionist’s smile nearly blinded me and it looked about as real as the breasts on a supermodel. Anyway, I managed to get a battle with Miss Priss, while her producer (who I swear must have a whole tree shoved where the sun don’t shine) watched on with the deadliest look I’ve ever soon.
Note to all readers: Never take on an experienced flying type with a grass type you got five minutes earlier -__-
As you can imagine, the battle lasted less than a minute. It didn’t take long for Paige to wipe the floor with her Bulbasaur, leaving every in the room looking like they’d been kicked in the stomach. I felt so pleased as I walked out of the building that I felt like I’d just sniffed some white and powdery behind the bike shed. But it was a natural high (this girlfriend only inhaled the sweet smell of victory) and I couldn’t help grinning and nearly dancing. I had defeated Chloe at her own game, and I highly doubted she’d want to rechallenge me any time soon :D
Than came the sad part: leaving home.
It quick but painful, liking riping of a bandaid…. A bandaid you’ve known for 13 years and has grown attached to you (that actually happened to a girl at our school…. Let’s just say it wasn’t a pretty sight.) I did feel sad as I waved goodbye to my mother and little brother, but it is a necessary sacrifice, as we all know. I wondered when I would see them again, wondered if the pain would ever go away….
It did after like half an hour, when the pain in my heart was replaced by the pain in my legs.
Let me tell you all this: walking along a twisting, turning, sloping route isn’t as fun as you may be led to believe.
My knees were close to buckling as I strutted through Route 2, blasting back other Pidgey and Rattata with help from Paige and Darwin. But as the clock ticked on and the sun got higher into the sky, my joy about going on my journey began to evaporate: I had blisters on my blisters, several cuts from some rather spiky hedges I passed, and got so annoyed I simply yelled at a Rattata to go away.
And the trainers… my god these people are irritating!
I’ve had about five battles with these n00by trainers, and they collectively probably lasted two minutes. They were all little boys, around eight to eleven, and they only brought out Rattata’s and Caterpie. Their tight shorts were hitched up so high that I couldn’t help wonder about the future of reproduction, and the boys who classified themselves as “Bug Catchers” had such huge nets sticking out of their camouflage bags that they must have been overcompensating for something…. ;)
After Paige and Darwin defeated their Pokemon in one or two moves each, they would turn and run away crying, and I didn’t feel guilty at all. I’m not a heartless bitch (most of the time), but if can’t complain if you have terrible Pokemon! I just hope that I could avoid some of these trainers as I venture into the tall and daunting Viridian Forest. I would take a Mew on if someone produced it: I just need a good battle!
Well, its getting late and I need to go find some miracle cure for blisters on the internet. Ciao for darlings.
Thanks Winter :D These beginning parts are meant to be more comedy, though I do hope the dramatic parts work just as well
I love everything about this, especially Paige and Alaska's relationship.
I'm really excited to continue reading this and I look forward to learning more about the characters pasts. :)
Keep up the good work, I'd hate to see this great story unfinished.
Also this made me lol
I felt like I’d just sniffed some white and powdery behind the bike shed.
You can read my fic; A Deadly Breach here.
Platinum FC: 2321-2981-5085
Im glad your enjoying it :D There won't be that much of backstory, though we will see some of a character introduced soon ;)
Here we have the first Interlude :D
Interlude One: Evil’s Brewing
Silph Co., Saffron City
The sun was setting over the region of Kanto, emitting a mixture of colours: warm yellows, light oranges, rich pinks and purples, all these colours being scattered across the skies. It was truly one of the most beautiful parts of the day, and many people were now turning their heads towards the horizon, watching as the sun disappeared for another day.
One of these men was Buzz Bolton.
Bolton was staring at the sunset from his floor-to-ceiling windows in his top floor apartment at Silph Co. Headquarters. The different coloured light cast different colours across the plain white walls, lighting up the number of photographs and diplomas that adorned them. Asides from two leather couches and a small flax plant that had been a gift from his mother, Buzz had failed to decorate his room well. He’d been meaning too, but when he wasn’t controlling the entire Silph Co. media empire, he always got lost staring into the fiery sun, remembering his purpose for being here.
Buzz was not his real name, though no one knew what it was. His parents had long since passed away not too soon after giving him the pot plant, and he had lost contact with his siblings, making it easier to assume his new persona. He had gelled black hair that was cut by a professional stylist, wore immaculate suits that were tailor made specifically for him, and his buff bronzed skin had was tanned not by the sun he spent so much time staring at, but by a local tanning salon only a few streets away. Buzz was average height so his fit body didn’t come across as intimidating, but his electric blue eyes were commonly said to be the source of his producing powers: the media commonly joked about the fact they could hypnotize people to do his bidding.
If only they actually could, Buzz thought as he recalled this common quote. Hypnotizing would make this all a lot easier. Buzz continued to stare out of the window, and eventually he stood up and walked across his beautiful velvet carpet, pausing on a rug made out of Persian skin that was in between the couches. He was captivated by the sun: what looked like such a small object was one of the most powerful, dangerous forces in their universe, one thing Buzz hoped to be some day.
His evening ritual was interrupted as his phone began ringing. His secretary, Annie, always went home at five’ o’clock, so his calls went straight to his phone. Buzz knew who it was though, and he pulled a universal remote out of his pocket and put the phone to loudspeaker.
“Sunsets are always a beautiful thing,” Buzz called in his booming, movie announcer voice. “It is that one point of the day where everything is calm and peaceful, in between a hectic day and the bustling night."
“Yes Mr Bolton, I have heard it all before.” Amanda Anderson’s voice replied briskly. “I didn’t call to hear about the sun for the five hundredth time, I wanted to know if you saw the footage.” Buzz simply chuckled to himself and stepped backwards. He pointed the remote at the rug, which rolled up into neatly with a loud clang, and revealed a rectangular box underneath. It mainly contained a large touch screen computer, which was now rising up on it’s hydraulic arm, but it also contained other objects: several key cards, a rolled up blueprint, several handguns and stun grenades, CDs and a charred metal sign.
“Of course I saw the footage, it is my job to watch what you film.” Buzz said with a smirk, but he quickly tapped away at the computer until a video file came up. The lights went out automatically, and the window was suddenly transformed into a movie screen. The amazing setting sun was replaced with a still image of Alaska, Paige, Chloe and her Bulbasaur.
“If you have seen the footage, than I hoped you are as worried as I am.” Amanda said.
“Worried? I’m not worried in the slightest,” Buzz said calmly as the video began playing on mute. “This Alaska girl is a rather talented battler, it’s a pity we didn’t get her on the show.”
“What!?” Amanda snapped. “She is threatening our plans: she and Miss Carmichael have some old girly feud between them, and this battle would have made it worse. Chloe will most likely want to battle her again if their paths cross, and-”
“There’s your answer: make sure the girl doesn’t get involved with the show.” Buzz replied, beginning to sound rather irritated. “We need this plan to work, and having our lot embarrassed by some stranger isn’t going to be a good image.”
“What do you want me to do if she does come across us somehow?” Amanda asked quietly, expecting Buzz to shout back at her. But the executive paused for a moment, pondering over what she had said.
“We can’t kill her yet, that would raise too many questions, especially if the cast finds out about it.” Buzz replied thoughtfully and calmly. “If we meet her again, just ignore her and move on. But if you keeps getting in the way, than you know what to do.” He knew Amanda would have nodded at this, and the call suddenly went dead. Buzz continued to watch the battle for a few more minutes, replaying every order Alaska gave, every move Paige did. Alaska was doing this like it was natural, and seemed to be having laugh.
“It’s a pity she may have to die.” Buzz said solemnly, and he cut the video feed. With his call to Amanda done with, Buzz stared at the sun one last time before walking out of his office and heading home.
It had been six years since the dramatic explosion on Five Island, but it had been just five years since police had given up on the investigation. Arthur Reynolds had retired, and the Sevii Islands Police Department were no closer to solving who caused the explosion than when they stared, so the case left with the aged police officer. The area was cleared, the warehouse torn down and a new housing complex was built there instead. Now, in 2013, it was as if the explosion had never happened.
But one part of the warehouse had remained.
The Team Rocket Scientist Gideon was still inside his little bomb shelter. When he heard through the internet that the warehouse would be bulldozed, the scientist quickly covered his tile with a mound of earth, continuing to hide him inside. None of the new houses were built over his complex, though he believed some a garden was nearby based on the small children running overhead.
Gideon didn’t look like his 2007 self anymore. His had to cut his hair himself, and it had gone from smooth and gelled to prickly and greasy, resembling a toddler had cut it and washed it with tar. He covered in sweat, filth and ash, his clothes smelt like sewage and he was the same weight of an twelve year old boy instead of a nearly middle aged man. But the bomb shelter was the best place for him: it allowed him to hide from the police still hunting old Team Rocket members, it had a variety of scientific supplies he required and was the best possible workplace.
For seven years, Gideon had been working on Operation Lavender. Masses of papers covered everywhere, every row full of diagrams, numbers, calculations, hand drawn maps and long lists and explanations. He destroyed benches, a kettle, his cell phone and the spare metal bed in order to make a large evolution inducing machine, the strange black and purple disc attached to the very top in front of a light bulb. Gideon had forced his Magneton and Porygon2 to evolve, turning them into a Magnezone and Porygon-Z respectively. Now, Gideon was closer than ever to perfecting Giovanni’s master plans and combining them into one huge idea.
“All I need is to get the fossils and the Old Amber….” Gideon mumbled to himself as he ran over his different papers, grabbing different things and checking multiple lists. “Yes, and I need these chemicals…. and a more suitable metal… and I need to go to the source itself….” Gideon had slowly turned more and more mentally unstable over the years he’d spent trapped and alone. His master plan could be ready in only a number of weeks, possibly within a month if he was lucky. However, one key factor was only just dawning on him.
He needed to go outside.
“Go outside…. I never thought I would have too….” Gideon mumbled aloud, pausing for a second from his rummaging. “It makes sense, I don’t have everything here….” Gideon stared at the patch where the old tile had once been. He had put some metal wire there to cover up the fake patch of earth, and it was the only thing between him and the outside. He hadn’t felt the cool feel of the wind, the warmness that came from the sun or interacted with another human being for years.
“I must, it is the only way….” Gideon said, and he quickly grabbed a pair of sunglasses that he had been using to shield his eyes from bright lights during his experiments. He pulled three Rocket Balls out: ball PokeBalls with a red button in the middle and a red R on the top of the ball. He threw all of them, and three Pokemon formed out of the dark energy. One of them was Electrode, Gideon’s oldest surviving Pokemon. It use to be very hyperactive, but it learnt to behave itself and remained still, smiling up at its trainer.
The other Pokemon weren’t as normal.
Magnezone and Porygon-Z had turned… well, evil, following their forced evolutions. Magnezone was pure lack with a large red eye, resembling a squashed Rocket Ball, with dark yellow sparks shooting all across his murky body. Porygon-Z pink body had turned a dark, flowing purple, with his turquoise bits now a dark black. His eyes were also red, and papers began to rise into the air ominously around him. These two Pokemon were flowing with power, a single attack could be enough to kill a man. That was why they were Gideon’s greatest weapons.
“Ok, this is how we are going to do things,” Gideon explained, walking around them as he grabbed some of the more important papers. “Electrode and Porygon-Z will come with me to collect some supplies. Magnezone will stay here and produce electricity to keep this place going.” Magnezone nodded, and he moved silently over towards the machine holding the strange disc. He touched it with one of his magnets, and within seconds the lights were flickering and the television turned on and off. “Excellent! Now, let’s go!” Gideon didn’t care that it was a rather impulsive thing to do, as it was a necessary thing to do in his quest to take over Kanto. He raced over towards the hatch, Electrode rolling and Porygon-Z floating behind him. There were the distant shouts of children playing above them, and a sick smile came across Gideon’s face: it had been too long since he had last killed a human being, and he waiting to watch the pain and suffering commence.
“Electrode blast the hatch,” Gideon ordered, and then turned maliciously towards Porygon-Z. “Use Tri Attack as soon as we get out: kill anything that moves.” Porygon-Z nodded silently, and they watched as the hole was destroyed by a single Thunderbolt. There were the screams of the children, and than Porygon-Z floated silently up like a ninja, but he was twice as deadly….
If anyone wants to be on a mailing list for this, just say and I will VM you whenever a enw part comes out :) Also, what do you think about the villians? Im always glad to see what people have to say
Last edited by AceTrainer14; 23rd January 2011 at 02:51 PM.
:P Gideon will prove a very interesting villian as time goes by
I must say I love the character of Alaska. She reminds me of a certain someone... in a good way of course.
And I also love the way that Paige and Alaska interact. It makes Paige seem a lot like an actual character, rather than a battling prop.
I'm definitely going to be reading the rest as it comes.
"The time is now, near at hand, which must determine whether Americans are to be free men or slaves. Our unrelenting enemy leaves us only the choice of brave resistance or the most abject submission. We have therefore to resolve to conquer or die!"
Read my fic here: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/confessions-champion-97111/
I promise you'll like it!
Originally Posted by Ariel
I believe that Pokemon should have personalities in stories: they are a lot like sidekicks, and we all know sidekicks can sometimes having bigger influences on the plot than the hero. Pokemon are what we are writing about, so Pokemon deserve a big say!
Chapter Five will be posted hopefully within a few days
After a long time, we know have a new chapter :D Expect more of these out over March as the Viridian Forest Arc continues.
Chapter Five: Falling Through Autumn
Beautiful forest scenery couldn’t distract Alaska from how bloody bored she was.
It had been three days since her blog post, and Alaska had not had a single good battle since then. The newcomer trainer had left the dullness of Route 2 and had now ventured into Viridian Forest, the first real challenge for trainers from her neck of the woods.
Alaska did have to admit it was a purely gorgeous place to be in. Huge collections of tall, towering trees stretched high into the sky, packed so close together that their leaves blocked out the sky, casting a beauteous green glow over the leafy path. The trees were all different sizes with different sorts of leaves and branches, and Alaska was enjoying herself by examining each tree individually as she moved through. There were large fields of knee-tickling grass that made for a mini voyage in order to get throw, especially with the abundance of bug type Pokemon around.
“I swear, if I ever see another buggered bug Pokemon again, I’m going to scream!” Alaska had shrieked to Paige and Darwin the previous night. Every single grassy field contained a bug type Pokemon: either the green and cream Caterpie that insisted on tying Alaska’s legs together with String Shot, or the amber coloured Weedle that instead choose to jab its sharp white horn into her legs as she passed. If that wasn’t bad enough, there were only bug types to battle in battles as well: Alaska had defeated about a dozen Bug Catchers over the past three days, and had gone from getting a sadistic pleasure out of winning to wishing she could jab a tree branch through her eyeball. Alaska wasn’t a boastful, proud person, but she just wanted to lose at least one battle: she probably shouldn’t have started her journey with a flying Pokemon when she was in Bug Central.
So Alaska didn’t have high hopes for the day after she packed up her tent, which she had positioned next to a mossy green boulder. The tent was helping her get through the nights, as she had her laptop with her that allowed connect with the world outside of the trees. Apparently Indigo Dreams was getting very hyped up and thousands of people were excited for it. Alaska was irritated that the reality show was gaining so much popularity, though she was amused when several fan polls showed that people were more interested to see Damian than Chloe.
I’d like to see that smug tart try and cross me again after that battles of ours! Alaska had thought bitterly after reading the poll results. While she didn’t get a kick out of beating Youngsters, Alaska was looking forward to next time she got to cut Chloe down to size.
So after packing away her tent and other supplies, Alaska had no choice but to keep travelling through Viridian Forest: if she wanted to find better trainers and reach Pewter City, home of her first badge challenge, she would have to push on through the petty trainers. There were two choices for Alaska to go through today: one path led through a brisk, clear path to the right, whilst one with long, entangled grass stood to the left.
“What do you think we should do?” Alaska said to Darwin, who she was spending some time training. The Mankey examined the two paths quickly, and then let out a screech and dived straight into the grassy route.
“Really?” Alaska groaned, watching several hard shelled Kakuna that were adorning the nearby trees.
“Mankey Man!” The Fighting type called, scratching around the grass, hoping to find a good opponent. Alaska smirked and headed after her Pokemon, though she didn’t have high hopes for this area. Her feet were instantly disguised by the long grass, which was stretching far towards her knees. A small group of Caterpie and a lone Weedle skirted away as Alaska passed, and the new coming trainer was desperate to get close to Darwin. She hated being alone in grass: Pokemon could attack any person that came into their habitat, wheter they had a Pokemon on them or not, and Alaska didn’t want to find herself getting attacked.
“Darwin, slow down!” Alaska shouted, struggling to keep the weight of her bag and move through the grass at the same time. Darwin was slashing at the grass with his Fury Swipes, sending blades of grass flying into the sky. The Mankey was always looking for a fight, and Alaska had hopes that she could control the outrageous behavioural aspect of his. She was just about to tell him off when Darwin suddenly froze, his fists high in the air as if they were suspended there. Alaska came to a halt too, stunned by the sudden halt to his activities.
“Darwin, are you alright?” She asked nervously, taking a nervous step forwards. However, she didn’t notice the branch beneath her feet: her shoe landed on it, causing the entire thing to snap. The noise echoed everywhere, and Alaska gasped as Darwin turned dramatically towards her, eyes bulged out in shock.
“Pika?” A soft voice said, and suddenly a yellow figure rose up from the grass. Alaska had seen the Pokemon regularly on television, and was able to identify the long ears, the brown stripes on its back and a long, jagged tail: it was the Electric Mouse Pikachu, a very rare Pokemon in these parts of Kanto. It seemed Darwin had noticed it and had been waiting to strike, which Alaska had unfortunately failed.
“MAAAAN!” The Mankey shouted angrily, and the Pikachu looked startled. Darwin leapt forwards, his claws glowing and ready to slash down. But before he could get close, the Pikachu began to glow white as it shut its eyes in terror. A white-yellow blur suddenly sped off into the trees, and Darwin crashed onto the earthy floor in a heap. Alaska gasped again and rushed forwards, nearly tripping over a Metapod that was camouflaged by the grass.
“Darwin, are you alright?” Alaska asked, flopping down into the grass besides him. The Mankey nodded his fluffy head, a sad, defeated look on his face, one that Alaska knew she had probably pulled lately. Paige and Darwin both wanted better opponents to battle, neither of them satisfied with their battles either and equally desiring a good match.
“Don’t worry!” Alaska said in a cheery tone, giving Darwin a big hug. “We’re nearly out of here, and then we can have some good opponents!” Darwin nodded, and he wrapped a long arm around her. They were all getting a bit tired of Viridian Forest, and Alaska barely even noticed how much her desperation was softening her up. The two sat there for a little while, watching a flock of Pidgey flying through the tree tops above them. Some human voices sounded nearby, and Darwin’s head turned towards the noise excitedly. Alaska laughed and stood up, allowing Darwin to bounce around and begin climbing the next tree.
“Calm down!” She called, struggling not to laugh at how excited he was getting. “It’s not like a great battler is just going to appear out of nowhere like this!” Alaska joked.
However, she didn’t realise how wrong she was.
There was a sudden snapping noise above her, but Alaska barely paid any attention to it, thinking it was just a Pokemon. But than her interest was piked by a sudden loud screaming: Alaska looked up just as a figure burst through the leaves above her, arms flailing, hair wrapped around her face and coming straight for her.