14th June 2006, 02:14 PM #1
Chapter One- The Heroine of Heart
“This is gonna be a fun trip, I can’t wait!” yelled Haruka, a sixteen year old girl with long pink hair, a yellow top, and blue jean-shirts. She was driving a red convertible as her two friends, Ju-Li; a shorter girl with blue hair in a pony tail, and a orange vest and blue jeans; and Sora; a rather cute looking boy with medium length purple hair, and a purple shirt and green pants. The three had just gotten off of school and were ready to start their summer vacation right away by going to the beach in Haruka’s shiny new convertible she had got for her birthday.
“How far away to the beach, sis?” asked Sora, who had a habit of calling all girls sis.
“According to this map,” Haruka said as she pulled a blue parchment from the glove department, “about ten minutes!”
“You know, the beach is fun and all, but what about sharks, or floods, or hurricanes, or jellyfish?” said Ju-Li, who was a very worrisome person and it definitely showed as she was motherly to everyone.
“Hah! Don’t worry, I took some CPR classes!” joked Haruka as she quickly turned the vehicle around a corner as they came to the coast.
“It’s beautiful!” said Sora, as he noticed Haruka suddenly was staring straight ahead in shock.
“Oh my, my heart just hurt for a bit.” Haruka said worryingly as she clutched her chest as Sora looked worried.
“Why don’t we stop for a bit then near that ocean?” suggested Sora as Haruka decided to drive down a small hill onto an empty coast line. As they were getting out of the car, Haruka noticed their was an old lady standing at the edge of the ocean. Haruka decided to ask her if she needed anything, so she began to slowly walk up to her.
“Hello Haruka! I see you have experienced ‘it’?” the lady said as Haruka jumped back in shock.
“How did you?” she began to say as the old lady laughed to herself.
“Good luck being the Heroine of Heart.”
“HEY!” yelled Ju-Li as Haruka turned around, Ju-Li looking confused, “who were you talking to?” Haruka turned around and noticed no one was their, much to her surprise.
“Maybe this heat’s getting to me.” She whispered as she walked over to Ju-Li and Sora who had put up and small blanket, complete with various containers of food.
“This is quite good” said Ju-Li as she took a bite of her sandwich, nodding happily at Sora who had made the food for the trip.
“They call me the next Top Chef, ya know!” said Sora jokingly as he began to eat his food as well. Haruka simply stared at her food, as she put her heart to her chest. She felt very scared of what was going on, was she gonna have a heart attack, she wondered. No, she realized as the oldest she must be responsible and not let this get to her.
“She haven’t eaten a bite, are you dieting again?” asked Ju-Li nervously as Haruka glanced down at her stomach.
“No, but do I need to?” asked Haruka as he noticed she had put on a few pounds this year.
“No! Don’t, it’s not safe!” said Ju-Li as she quickly began to get anxious at insulting her friend by mistake.
“Girls, go figure!” said Sora to himself as he finished his sandwich off. He then got up and ran to the water, throwing off his shirt as he jumped in with a splash.
“Hey, wait for me!” said Haruka as she stripped down into her two-piece suit, jumping in after the boy as he swam away quickly. Ju-Li nervously stripped down into her one-piece, and carefully got in the water after testing the temperature. Haruka happily chased Sora, who dived in and out splashing water at the girl as they giggled happily, now soaked with water. Ju-Li nervously stood in the shallow in as some fish swam by, scared of the girl as much as she was scared of them.
“I’m gonna get out now!” said Ju-Li as she quickly ran out onto the sand and sat in a beach chair.
“Why hello their!” said a man, or rather a man wearing makeup and a funny suit, as he walked over to Ju-Li.
“A clown?” asked Ju-Li as she looked him over, she had read about clowns in the news, and she was worried that this could be a evil clown.
“I’m just a performer, and happened to noticed you kids here, and was wondering if you would like to view a show?”
“We’d love too!” said Haruka as she and Sora walked out onto the sand as the man looked at Haruka intently.
She is definitely the girl in the reports, good, now I can get this show started. A show just for her!
“Okay then, you guys sit down here as I go get things ready!”
A bit later everything was set up, and the clown, who introduced himself as Pierrota, began to blow up a small balloon.
“Let the show begin, as I make a snake!” said the clown as he blew up the balloon into a long shape, as Haruka nervously sighed.
“That’s easy to do.” Pierrota then blew up to more, and threw them in the air over the kids’ heads.
“Kinda lame, don’t you think?” said Sora as suddenly the balloons made a hissing sound and flew at the kids, warping around them as they got bigger and bigger.
“These are my special ‘Anaconda’ balloons, Heroine of Heart! How do you like them?” he laughed as he watched as the kids gasped for breathe as the balloons crushed them.
“Heroine….of…heart?” said Haruka as she remembered what the old lady said earlier, wondering what this meant.
“You have the heart of a hero, of course!” said a small bird, in the same voice as the old lady, and she flew next to Haruka.
“Old lady?” questioned Haruka as the bird got made and pecked her.
“I’m not old! Anyway, yes, the heart of a hero! The hero being a medieval princess, who fought great evil by changing into fifteen mythical beasts using her heart. All you have to do is think, and you will awaken the powers inside of you heart!”
“Bye bye, birdie!” said Pierrota as he jumped and grabbed the bird, who quickly flew his grasp. Haruka angrily looked at the man as he friends gasped for air, and put her hand on her chest as she thought deeply.
I want to be strong!
Suddenly Haruka felt weird as her skin began to turn a shade of dark blue, as her hair shortened and turned black. He clothes changed into a sleeveless white bodysuit as her sandals disappeared replaced by white boots. She then started to slowly grow as her muscles bulged, bursting out of the balloon monster as she fell to the ground with a thud. She was now standing over fifteen feet tall, a muscular blue beast of a woman. Pierrota smiled sinfully.
“So, you’ve unlocked your powers, Heroine of Heart, but I will beat you!” he yelled as he jumped in the air, taking out a long blade as he slammed it down on Haruka’s arm, as she stood their.
“That didn’t hurt at all, bozo!” she yelled huskily as she grabbed the man and pulled back her arm.
“Wait! Wait! Stop!” she yelled as she let him go, slinging him across the ocean as far as the eye can see.
“Now to rescue my friends!” she yelled as she jumped down on both the balloon creatures, smashing them to bits as Sora and Ju-Li fell as she grabbed them both in her hands and gently laid them down.
“She is quite strong.” Said a man in a hood as he observed from a nearby cliff.
“I told you we can’t trust clowns!” said Ju-Li as she and Sora sat by a campfire staring up and their big friend.
“I think he was after me, since I’m the Heroine of Heart and all.” Haruka said as she finished explaining what had happened.
“Way to go, Musclebout!” said Sora excitedly after she finished, causing Haruka to look down at him, “that’s what you should call that form! And there is fourteen more, sis! Wow!”
“That’s a good name, okay! From now on call me….” Haruka slowly shrunk back to normal.
“Guess it wears off!” said Ju-Li as she looked upset, “being a hero is kinda dangerous, isn’t it?” she finally said.
“Yeah, but hey! I’m like a chosen person, so I can’t beat fate!” Haruka said as she noticed a small bug next to her.
“Good luck, Heroine of Heart!” it said as it flew away, Haruka realizing it was the old lady from before.
“This is gonna be a sweet vacation! A decisive battle of good and evil!” Sora said excitedly as he jumped up and down squealing.
“Yeah! I declare this the Summer of Heart!” Haruka joined in as Ju-Li looked nervously down.
“I hope we survive this summer” she quietly added in.
13th July 2006, 08:41 AM #2
Er... this is non-Pokemon, right?
Sounds like your typical Magical-Girl styled manga or anime, and though that's not necessarily a bad thing, you'll need to add some twist to the story to keep it fresh, rather than the destined-to-save-the-world hero(ine) type.
I can get a good picture of what is going on, but the main characters are not particularly memorable; I won't expect to remember who's hair colour is which, what each of them are wearing, or even Sora's gender, since I've seen the name used on both guys and girls. About hair colour, you might want to give a background on the weird colours, since they're not adding much to the character. Are they naturally that colour? If they are... then never mind.
On to character, I'm doubtful about Haruka. She's sixteen, can drive a convertible reasonably well (if they don't live five minutes from the beach) given she must have had less than a year's driving experience, has pink hair, is the Heroine of Heart, and no observable weakness. Magical (or otherwise) powers aside, she doesn't have realistic behaviour that you'll expect from a female at that age. Try to balance her out by giving her a noticable weakness. Could she be proud, obsessed with money, indecisive etc... If you think of Haruka (or any of the other main characters) as yourself (or your friends), it's time to part with that impression and make Haruka Haruka. Literally. She needs a distinct personality.
Grammar-wise, the story is passable, but there are several minor, somewhat trivial errors. Most notably, your use of 'their' and 'there'. 'Their' refers to 'mine, your, their' but 'there' is 'here and there'. There are definitely more than two cases of 'there' being substituted by 'their', and it gets in the way of reading sometimes. Read through once to make sure that every word is right, even if it passes a spellchecker.
There's potential for a good story here. Just remember to stay away from tried-and-tested methods. Come up with creative twists so that it doesn't get boring. Keep up the good work...