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  1. #61
    Because I like Tophats Tophat Dragoneye's Avatar
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    Oct 2009
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    Default Re: Heart of Crystal

    I've only read the first 3 chapters so far, so I'm going to review those for now.

    Chapter 1:
    The first chapter started off very nicely, where you introduced the various characters and set the plot in motion, with a little foreshadowing at the beginning, and the fact that wild Pokémon across the Johto region have become more violent. Personally, I would’ve liked a little more details of the characters, what they were wearing and what they looked like etc., it helps readers visualize what they’re reading, even though most readers likely have played the games and have an idea what they look like.

    Chapter 2:
    Again, the details of the various characters like clothing or appearance are somewhat lacking to me, as well as the environments, but I did like how you described Silver during the battle as being almost demonic.
    Totodile’s personality here is also refreshing since they are usually portrayed as happy-go-lucky characters (at least in my experience) who also pack a bite. I’m keen to see more of Silver, as he’s definitely one of more unique characters in the games and I’m interested to see how you’re going to portray him in the future.

    Chapter 3:
    In this chapter, you gave more description of Earl and the monk Kris battled, even if it was just a little, which is very good, since I now can visualize how they look like (I gotta admit, imagining Earl in a tutu is a hilarious thought). I have to admit, it feels a bit weird that you skipped over the battles with wild Pokémon that resulted in captures, but I suppose you have your reasons.

    Speaking of Pokémon, I liked the different personalities of Kris’ Pokémon, especially Walter the Geodude, and their way of talking. We also got to see some more of Teddy’s personalities when he became jealous of the Hoppip, and I like that.

    You have also set the rules of the nuzlocke in the fic quite nicely, with wild Pokémon becoming more aggressive and uncatchable when just one have been caught in an area. No doubt we’re going to see that at some point.

    Kris’ ability to understand Pokémon talking got a lot of opportunities in itself, and I’m keen to see how it’s connected to her. I was surprised that Teddy wasn’t the only Pokémon she could understand, but other Pokémon as well as we learned in the second chapter.

    I’m going to keep read your fic to see how the story goes, also because I’ve never read a Nuzlocke fic before. Who knows, maybe I’ll add some more reviews in the future.

    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for the signature

    ONE-shot: Forced into Retirement

  2. #62
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    Jun 2010
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    Default Re: Heart of Crystal

    I must say that this is a very interesting start for a Journey fic even if I'm not familiar with how Nuzlockes go. It seems "by the numbers" but the twist with Kris speaking to Cyndaquil made me go "Hello, what have we here?" It's a common trope but I'm willing to see where you go with it at the very least. Kris seems likable and I love her suggestion of a "Secret Pokemon Society." Though I have a lot on my plate at the moment, I just might return to read chapter 2 sometime.

  3. #63
    Wordsmith Pavell's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
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    Default Re: Heart of Crystal

    Ok, so I've read through all that you've written so far and I've had some time to think about it now. I suppose I'd best start off with some general thoughts. I was a bit apprehensive in reading a nuzlocke fic at first - I was sort of expecting grimdark rather than realism and I'm pleased that there isn't any of that there. The greatest strength of the fic is in it's handling of death. The grieving scene on Route 35 was very well played out and I think you pitched it just right. The pacing of events is nice and even. Characters are quite distinct. Overall your writing style is smooth and easy to read.

    In greater detail - firstly, the plot. The plot is, as I say, nicely paced. I appreciate the Team Rocket point-of-view scenes being relatively short and to the point. I'm not sure where this is going other than more or less along the lines of the game ... which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't mind being surprised. One thing I will say - and this ties into the battle comments - is that some events do whiz by. I'm thinking of the Gym Battle with Falkner and trekking to Azalea Town here. I get why you would leave a lot of the training (Even with Bugsy) off-screen, but we don't see a lot of Johto outside of the cities and it would be nice to see your take on what the Johto landmarks look like.

    On to the battles. It's at this point that I'm not sure whether I'm missing the point with the battles. They're even shorter than the ones I write, the same kind of length as they tend to take in the games. For me, some of them are a bit too sparse in the detail (In particular the Violet Gym), but maybe that's what you were gong for, to be reminiscent of the games. Having said that I can follow the action well, and the battles are easy on the eye to read.

    Characters are where this all really shines. The only character I don't really care for is Silver - but that's not really your fault, because I don't care for Silver in any of the pokémon media anyway. I like the poké-personalities, sure they're a bit cartoony, but none of them take up enough page space for that to be an issue. I especially like the sheer silliness of Ramón. A Spanish - well, Mexican - Pidgey, for no reason, caught in the same sort of area as Florence. If you really must re-write this, I DEMAND that you keep the "Look at all the weeds!" line. I also like how you've been brave enough to be ambiguous with Kris. As far as I can see, we don't really know why Kris is training, other than just to get out of New Bark Town. I suspect that she doesn't know either.

    If I'm honest, I don't really think this needs a reboot, but I daresay you have your own reasons. I think I would recommend keeping a lot of this material as it is. There's some good writing in there and plenty of nicely pitched moments, it would be a shame to lose them

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