The Rocket scene in this chapter is incredible. Fucking androgynous Bugsy. Proton is also characterised beautifully. Although it was your boyfriend who originally made me fall in love with the character, so perhaps that is to be expected?
By this time, the Slowpoke had realized what was going on, and was struggling to try and get away.
This sentence is a little awkward. Struggling to try? Surely struggling is trying?
The scene of him eating the Slowpoke Tail is also deliciously gruesome. Eurgh, I can’t imagine eating something that has come off an animal that is still living and sitting in front of me.
I found the scene with the evil Rattata oddly hilarious. I imagined its voice something like the Jabberwocky in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, which is a complete mismatch from the concept of a Rattata. =P Not really a big problem, though. All I can suggest to fight that (if that wasn’t what you were going for) is to make it bizarrely large rather than just slightly large. WOAH. I can’t believe she caught the psycho Rattata! I really want her to use it now to see what it’s like! Will its personality change?
The skipping of Union Cave is much the same as what I said about some of the things you’ve skipped earlier. I felt like you could have at least made a paragraph of it, explaining a couple of the battles, maybe the people that they met, maybe the Lapras’ roar, maybe just some character development. It feels oddly skipped over. As I think I’ve said, this is something I’ve been guilty of myself in the past, so I understand how tempting it is, but the story comes off a lot better if you take your time with each little part.
Two men were standing outside the gym, one of them yelling furiously at yet another man dressed in all black.
If you what you mean to say is that there’s two men outside the gym, Kurt and the Rocket, then this is an unclear way of saying that. When I first read this I thought there were two men and
the Rocket outside the Gym.
Oh my God, you do a fantastic job of making Proton creepy as hell. This is probably the most psychopathic imagining of the character that I’ve ever seen or heard of.
What happens with Teddy here is also interesting... I’m guessing it has something to do with the wild Pokémon becoming more ferocious too. Interesting also that it happened within the proximity of Team Rocket. I’m also glad that Bugsy had a go at Kurt, I’ve always thought that what he does is really uncool. (Convenient that he hurts his back in time to not have to do anything, but miraculously recovers just quickly enough to be around for the party afterwards.)