The Green Chronicles: The Quest for Mesos (5) - Page 3
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  1. #31
    Less cute in person Beth Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (3)

    Are you getting fed-up of this review format yet?

    Technical Accuracy/Style
    I finally caught you! wheezing! Beyond that I'm reduced to questioning stylistic choices. Well, the point-of-view could be tightened up a little - Lucas notes that Poliwag loks tired, but how would he know the reason? Normally I wouldn't even bother mentioning it, but I've got to point something out.

    Story
    Despite stuff happening, this story's still taking it's time, which is good. I like to see journeyfics take more than three chapters to get to the first gym. I like that you've thought about pokémon beyond game data. It's a real surprise to see someone treat an oddish seriously in their work (Coming from the guy who cast a ledyba as a starter xD)

    Characters
    I'm glad you didn't use "Green" as Gary's forename. It's that one manga trope I really can't stand. I can certainly buy Gary as an older version of the guy from the anime - there's a hint of the old bravado there, but it's far more good-natured than the young!Gary ever came out with, and I think that's appropriate. Not too sure about the hooded fellow yet, but we'll see where that goes

    Final Thoughts
    Not quite as fulfilling as the last chapter, but still a worthy piece all the same
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


    Pavell's Scribbledegook Week XXVII - Writer's Workshop Winter Awards

  2. #32
    Future Mrs. Ketchum SerenaKetchum's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (3)

    Liked this chapter, even if it wasn't as emotional as the second chapter or scary as the first one. I really liked the realism in your battles and how the mystery man got into the action and actually physically went after the bandits.

    My favorite part was when Lucas chuckled to himself after Gary mentioned that he would have clobbered the thieves in his youth, and Lucas thinks his grandfather wasn't much of a fighter. A nice subtle nod to the fact that Gary used to be a hotshot trainer and has since mellowed and not shown his grand kids that side of him.

    The coughing and wheezing shoutout was funny too!

  3. #33
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (3)

    One review, as you requested.

    The initial setup starts out like a horror movie, and I can almost picture Lucas' heart pounding as he approaches the old hospital. But when he finds the abandoned PC and sees what is on there, it shifted gears to something like a Pokemorph story (if that is in fact what these monsters are)

    But even though it was a little on the infodumpy side at first, you answered some of my questions the very next chapter, when you showed us Lucas and Vic's relationship. Whether Vic will show up again later or not, I don't know.

    I am very intrigued by this so far--why could these "Pokemorphs" have been created, and who told Dr. Tanaka to create them? I have a feeling Alex is about to become the whistleblower (and subsequent resistance leader) on an epic plot to take over and/or destroy the world
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  4. #34

    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (3)

    I am also really very interested about Luke's mom. Wonder if we get to learn more about her passing.
    Anime lover, Amourshipper, fan fiction lover

  5. #35
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (3)

    Thanks for the feedback guys! Yeah, Gary MFing Oak is back… as an old man.

    Coming Soon...

  6. #36
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (3)

    Four:
    Dear, Victoria



    Dear Vic,

    I wanted to write to tell you that I finally arrived safely at Grandpa's, but I realized that I'm not even sure how I'll get this letter to you with how unreliable the post has been lately.

    You know me though. Writing things down always calms me down when I'm stressed. So even if you never read this, it helps to put it down on paper. And boy, there's a lot I want to tell you.

    Grandpa's house got burned down. And yes, I'm serious. When I got to Pallet, a couple of thieves had ambushed him and were trying to loot the house. I tried to stop them with one of Grandpa's Pokèballs, but getting a Pokèmon to win a fight is way harder than it looks on T.V. I don't think I'd be much good at training Pokèmon. No need to worry though. Luckily, some weird traveler who was passing by took care of the thieves, and Grandpa and I are fine. But during the fight, the house caught fire. It's gone. We're staying at the lab.

    Grandpa is trying to make it sound like it's no big deal, but I can tell that he's really broken up about it. It's weird too. He hasn't even lived in that house that long. I remember when we were little, he bought it after that old lady who had lived there died. I can't remember her name. Deela? Delilah? I know Grandpa grew up in Pallet, but I wonder why this particular house seems so special to him?

    I wanted to ask him about all this, but I remembered you telling me that I always ask too many questions. Plus, I don't have the heart to badger him about it when he's so upset.

    Grandpa did agree to help me get ready for my trip, though. We listened to a thing on the radio about the Battle Quest. Sounds like the whole thing begins tomorrow. Anyone who wants to compete just has to travel around the Shell and find each of the Elite Four and beat them in a one-on-one Pokèmon battle.

    I can tell Grandpa's worried. He says the Battle Quest is just something the higher ups in Mesos cooked up as a way to mock the Shell. He says the whole thing is set up to make us look weak. Only two people have ever won the thing and gotten out of the Shell in all the years that it's been going on.

    "They just want to remind us where our place is," he says.

    I get where he's coming from, but the weird part is that he still wants me to go for it. He sounds different when he talks about the Battle Quest, like he's thinking about his childhood. He did say they had something similar to the Battle Quest back when he was a kid. Something about badges and gyms. Apparently they had people called the Elite Four too, but they were different. I don't really remember all the details of what he was talking about. He was rambling like he tends to do, but maybe this whole thing just reminds him of those days.

    Grandpa says back then, though, people didn't participate because they were trying to get out of the Shell. They did it for the thrill itself. They did it for glory. They did it because it was fun. He says it's a shame that those days are over. It's hard to imagine how things were before Mesos and the wall.

    Anyway, I told him about the plan: travel around and try to find these Elite Four trainers. If I'm lucky, I'll be able able to find some Battle Questers who are willing to be interviewed for my project.

    Each year, when we watch the Battle Quest on T.V., we just see these people getting their butts kicked by the Elite Four and that's it. We never get to hear their story. Why have they left their familes to chase this virtually unattainable dream? What's life for them like out here? What drives them?

    This is exactly what I want to do. These are the stories that need to be told. Maybe if people see how messed up things are in the Shell, things will get better. I really think this could be big! Maybe I can even get someone to publish it and get paid enough to get a ticket into Mesos. I know I'm probably being stupid, but I've got to try. The first Elite Four member is supposedly somewhere in Pewter. I figure I'll head there and see if I can meet anyone interesting.

    Oh, and guess what?

    Grandpa's given me two Pokèmon!

    And guess what else?

    He gave me six Pokèballs in case I find other cool Pokèmon in the wild and want to try to catch them! Up until today, I had never held a Pokèball. I'd never even seen one up close. I don't how he came up with the money for one, let alone six, but I'm grateful. Grandpa says that "back in his day" everyone had them. You could just go down to the corner mart and buy them or even find them laying on the ground! Wow!

    Anyway, Vulpix and Poliwag are my two new companions. I was a little worried because I don't want to leave Grandpa without any Pokèmon to protect him, especially with what happened with the thieves, but he wouldn't hear it. He says if he's going to let me wander around the Shell by myself, I'm taking Vulpix and Poliwag for protection.

    It's okay though, Grandpa has two Houndooms who are going to live with him now. The thieves left them behind. I thought they were pretty scary at first, but once Grandpa fed them, they took a liking to him pretty quickly. He certainly loves them. They're actually pretty cute! Or as cute as a pair of fire-breathing beasts can be, I guess.

    I kind of wish he'd given me the Houndooms instead. Poliwag is cool. He can spit water, which is pretty useful. Grandpa says he will grow bigger and stronger too. But Vulpix is just a puppy. She isn't much of a fighter as far as I can tell, and I'm not sure how helpful she would be if I ever ran into any trouble. Grandpa seems to think I can train her to protect me, but I'm not sure. I'll be fine, though. If nothing else, I'm a fast runner if I get into a bind.

    Grandpa also gave me some weird little red computer device to take with me. A Pokèdex he called it. He says his grandfather gave it to him many years ago, and that I can use it to identify any Pokèmon I might see during my journey. Useful, I guess. I just hope the thing still works. It looks ancient!

    The Pokèdex was in some leather bag that Grandpa insisted on retrieving from the house when it burned down. The man is crazy sometimes, Vic. He actually ran into the fire to save this thing.

    He showed me what was in the bag tonight. There were a lot of those little badges I mentioned and some other random trinkets.

    There were some old photos of him from when he was a kid. He had crazy hair back then. And did you know he used to have a Squirtle? And an Umbreon! I've never even seen one in real life! There were also pictures of some of his childhood friends. It was cool to see those. Grandpa used to be just like us.

    But the thing that Grandpa was most relieved to have saved from the fire was some strange necklace made from some twine and a broken Pokèball. It's just the red half. The other part is gone, he says. I'm not sure why it's so important to him, but he seems really happy that it didn't get destroyed with the rest of the house. Again, I wanted to hear the story behind it, but I didn't push it.

    Sorry, I'm rambling.

    I miss you already, Vic. I hope things are going all right back at home. Is Dad back? I hope he's at least pulling his weight around there. I wish you could have come with me. I still feel bad that you're stuck at home and at the mines. I told Grandpa about this, but he says you are strong just like Mom. He's right, and that made me feel a little better. You know you're my hero, right? You've done so much for me since Mom died, and I promise you that I will repay you.

    I can't wait to take you to Mesos with me once I get the money to get in there.

    Hang in there, though. Please. I'll be home before you know it, and then maybe you can have another go at those pancakes. Just kidding!

    I leave Pallet in the morning for Pewter. I'm scared, but a little excited. I'm excited to at least have a chance to make our lives better. Hopefully, I'll figure out a way to get this letter to you. Either way though, I love you. Grandpa sends his love as well.

    See you soon!

    Love,

    Lucas




    Coming Soon...

  7. #37
    Go Niners! Akari's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    A beautiful letter to Vic. I really love this sort of change of pace to the story. It gives us a deeper look into Lucas' mind and how much he cares for her and how much it pains him to leave. The reference to Gary's old life, the badges and the half Pokèball with Ash was awesome to see as well. So the old house was the Ketchum residence too? Interesting! I wonder if Ash will make an appearance. At first I thought the hooded guy was Ash maybe but doesn't seem like the ages match up.

    Another great chapter.

  8. #38
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    Ooooooh the third chapter and the fourth chapter too made me looked at this in a new way story wise. First let's get all that boring grammar stuff out of the way. I sadly forgot to quote these since they were rare but there were a couple of typos in the third chapter that I noticed, aside from that the chapter was done smoothly as usual. While I liked the way you described and dealt with the battle I felt like maybe it was a bit...sale I think, I liked it but I think that maybe it could've had a bit more action to it.

    Okay, now to the story stuff.

    Chapter 3 as I said made me look at your story a bit differently than before. For once because now I can totally make sense of where this fic's main inspiration sort of might lie coughhungergamescough and it's very interesting. Also being someone that has read all your previous fics and remember a good part of it I feel like you sort of combined and reused elements from your previous fics, particularly the fact that it's anime verse like TPI was and the Battle Quest tournament from Pocket Monsters.

    I like the fact this takes place in the future of the anime of sorts, using Gary as a replacement for Professor Oak was a good idea and I think that the way his character ha changed after adulthood makes a lot of sense, plus it kind of grabs at a feeling of nostalgia to be quite honest.

    The chapters themselves were pretty good, the main plotline seems to have been laid out a little more neatly now that we know about the Battle Quest and what Luke will be doing. I'm also curious about who the hooded trainer was, I have my own idea but I won't really say anything yet since I'm not sure.

  9. #39
    Go Niners! Akari's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    One other thing I noticed is that Lucas seems to have this connection with Vulpix. When it felt scared and couldn't move it's feet, Lucas felt the same way. And when Vulpix got hurt, Lucas' headache flared up in a way that sort of was similar to the fire Vulpix got hit with. Very subtle but clever. I'm interested in seeing how this plays out.

    Very deep story with attention to details like this is why I'm into this story.

  10. #40
    Future Mrs. Ketchum SerenaKetchum's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    Yay, another chapter! I enjoyed the letter to Victoria. Really sweet how the boy worries about his sister.

    I like how the plot is unfolding as well. Sounds like Mesos and the Shell are two parts of Kanto separated by a wall and people of the Shell want to live in the Mesos. I like that there's a daily struggle for people in the Shell and it sets up Lucas' goal nicely and gives the reader reason to root for him.

    Love the love you showed Gary and his past. I almost screamed (happy screams ) when I realized that you made reference to Ash and the broken Pokèball. So touching how Gary ran in after it to save it. Loved the little bit too about how the pokedex seemed ancient to Lucas hehe

    I'm excited for the story to resume and am excited to see Vulpix (one of my faves) and Poliwag

  11. #41
    #1 Gumshoe Jabberwocky's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    A nice interlude. Nothing too fancy, but some good development of the dynamic between Vic and Lucas.

  12. #42

    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    First off, my reactions to all the Ash and anime references:
    :P

    Secondly, I unfortunately have no advice to give. Like most people, I couldn't find a single thing wrong with your work, which is really spectacular. You've portrayed Kanto wonderfully, and I've like how your protagonist's main goal isn't just to because the world's best trainer. Not to mention he's a writer, which all of us here can relate to. This is something I'll definitely have to stick with! Keep up the great work!

    snorlax | rest | dark aura | stick | tea | one-shot | poetry

  13. #43
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    Thank you for reading everyone! I really appreciate the feedback.

    Coming Soon...

  14. #44

    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    Hi. I just wanted to say that the latest chapter which was a letter was good! I really liked reading how the letter told the story in a new way. More about Luke and Vic together as brother and sister was neat to see.

    I am excited to see Vulpix learn to battle better.
    Anime lover, Amourshipper, fan fiction lover

  15. #45
    Go Niners! Akari's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Green Chronicles: The Sacred Gift (4)

    Lucas has 6 Pokeballs then. Vulpix and Poliwag take two I assume. Any speculation on who the other four will be?

    I wonder if any non-Kantos will be involved?

    I honestly am very excited for the next chapter of this. It's like waiting the long week in between a really great TV show.

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