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    Smiling Ampharos Mokoko's Avatar
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    Default Granny Aide - Chapter 1 - Why the Letter?

    Hello everyone and welcome to my fist ever fanfic. I've tried before and failed but never posted, but have reviewed works of others. This story does not have any mature content and will never have any. There are no teenage themes throughout either. It's just a take on a well known story with a twist. This story is original and is only based off of Pokémon. There may be clashes in animé, manga cannon, but nothing too obstructive or difficult to understand.
    Please sit back and enjoy as best you can. Comment, praise, criticize, tell me what you liked and didn't. I'll work to improve.

    Note: This story was seen in my head like an episode and so all chapters will run that way.

    Thanks in advance!



    Chapter 1 – Why the letter?


    Whoever thought that the life of a 62 year old farm-woman was dull, either didn't know all the things that kept her busy, or their name wasn't Adelaide M. Farmer. This woman did everything and was extremely busy constantly. However, she thought it was as dull as, “a Pidgey squawking first thing in the morning.”. At her well matured age she couldn't be bothered with another mundane task of dressing herself in fancy things. So she kept it simple: with her silver laden hair in a tight bun. For an average-sized woman this was the look, or so she thought.

    A hiss and a very slow purr and meow came from the fireplace where this old woman was peeling potatoes. She looked down at her fat tiger-like cat and sneered,

    “Quiet you...” she hissed back, watching as the cat got up. It flicked its tail towards the fire, jumped off of it's cushion and patted itself down. It then turned to face away from it's owner. Adelaide looked over at the stairs toward the other end of the kitchen/dining room in the old farm house with its low wooden beams and cosy big fire. She could always tell when her daughter was coming into the room, it was just something she could always tell.

    “Amelia? That you dear?” she tried to call in a somewhat raspy voice.

    “Yes mother, I'm just coming down with some laundry...” she continued and entered the same room as her mother. Amelia looked like a normal mother, perfect hair, always on her feet, smelled fantastic and knew how to control her children. The only trouble she had was with her youngest, Edward.

    “Where is that little eel?” she huffed while folding some clothes into a pile from a wicker basket, “He's been gone a half hour, the mailbox is only at the end of the path.”

    “Boys will be...” the older woman started.

    “I know mother...yet you never take an interest in him.” her daughter snapped back.

    “Oh sure I do dear, I tell him to get on with his school work. I tell him to do his chores around the house. That's good enough for any boy his age,” she stopped for a second and remembered how hard her own childhood was to her “and what I've had to do my whole life, mind.”

    The pair of women stayed at there places and carried on without resolve when suddenly, interrupting them. The large farmhouse door was swung open and almost taken off of it's hinges by a smaller frame, with which they both looked at in awe. Adelaide swiftly turned round again on her stool, and continued peeling more potatoes: A repetitive action of a potato being picked up from the large sac on the right and having it thrown gently with a soft thud into the pot over the fire when she had finished peeling. From the door came a small dark haired child, running over to his mother and almost jumping on her.

    Amelia looked down at her small son in that knowing way that she was just about to scold him.

    “Where have you been young man?” she asked him, not waiting for an answer, “You've been gone a full half hour!” came her own reply of sorts. Then her 10 year old son handed her a letter addressed to himself.

    “Mummy, open it...I wanna know what it is!” he looked p at her with his adorable blue eyes.

    “It's for you.” she replied while finishing folding the clothes, “you should open it yourself.”

    He beamed at his mother as he took the letter back, leaving her chuckling to herself. The little dark-haired man ripped at the white envelope and started to pull the letter out and handed it directly back to his mother who just tutted and read the lined of black type on the folder A4-sized paper. Her eyes focused and looked from side to side as she read. A smile crept across her face showing that climbing happiness she felt inside for her young son. Amelia put the letter on the table and embraced her son to which he pushed her away and quickly enquired.

    “What did it say mummy?” the impatient little man asked his mother, squirming in earnest looking up at her.

    “You got it...little Eel...” she cooed affectionately as the young boy started to jump up and down until his mother put her finger to her lips.

    “Go say to your gran” the young mother ushered her son.

    “But...” he started.

    “'But' nothing young man...she'll be thrilled just as I am.” she turned to her mother and called a little bit louder over to the old woman pottering about the fire.

    The young boy moved towards his grandmother and shuffled gently at the other end of the table away from her and stared at her action over the fire as she stirred some nice smelling liquid into where her potatoes went. She sniffed the air and put the lid on the pot with just enough room for the potatoes to “breathe”. She looked towards her left side and noticed her grandson, his face nervous, his small hands behind his back, shuffling his feet on the solid wooden floor.

    “Boy...if you shuffle anymore you're going to bore a hole in that floor, then we'll see you fix it right up, good and proper.” she stated, forceful in her execution at her age. Edward's face drooped down and he started to mumble incoherently.

    “Boy, speak up!” she said moving towards him and sitting back down on the table bench closer to him this time.

    “I.....got it.” he squeaked out, nervous and unsure of how his stalwart granny would react, if at all. She may pass it under the carpet, she may be happy, she may be sad, it was really anyone's guess, and he didn't want to guess wrong.

    “And who told you that boy?” she asked not really expecting much. Perhaps the Professor herself let her grandson know.

    “That's what m-m-my letter was a-a-about.” he stuttered.

    “A letter? She sent you a letter?” Granny blurted out sounding more agitated.

    “...I've to go up in the next hour...and get my Starter Pokémon.” he tried to state calmly, backing away from the old woman. He had never felt as scared of the old woman as he did now. Edward looked down and fumbled with his fingers.

    “We'll see about that...” Adelaide commented, moving into the cupboard for some dishes and taking a large spoon off of a hook to the left of the fire and dipping into the large pot, with the lid now off and placing some of the mixture into the bowl.

    “Enough of that now” the old woman starts, “time for dinner.”

    An hour later...

    The small family sat at the table. Amelia patted her young son on the head and smiles, looking over at her own mother, nodding in acceptance of something unsaid. He was ready and excited even though they didn't want to let him go, it had to be done. Edward had waited for this moment since he knew that Pokémon Trainers existed through hearing stories about his 2 older sisters. He knew some things about these brilliant creatures, but the ones he did know never did anything special and he wanted to change that. The young boy jumped down and ran over to the fat cat laying in her bed. She had a soft spot for the human and she nuzzled his cheek as he came in close for a hug, licking his soft skin with her rough tongue.

    “Nyaaaaar...” she commented somewhat enthusiastically. Her tail no longer able to fit round her plump figure. Her comfy bed stretching due to her size.

    “I won't be back for a while Mama.” the little boy said petting and scratching the cat's head just between her ears. Adelaide had never named the Purugly, even as a Glameow. Young Edward had given the cat the nickname just after she evolved when he was 2 years old and its stuck. She started to purr as he stopped, sighing discontentedly as the abruptly stopped petting. “Wish me luck!”

    “Do you have everything packed Eel?” Amelia asked her son, hugging him lightly.

    “I thought Dad was gonna be about to say bye...”

    “I'm sorry little man, he's busy a few fields over...give him a wave as you pass and he'll see you.”

    The old woman in the corner started to put her short jacket on, he apron stuffed into a bag on her agéd shoulders. Edward looked at his grandmother and picked up his backpack, slinging it over his shoulders.

    “Granny where are you going?” he asked, waiting for an answer while he headed towards the door.

    “I'm going to see Aurea, to sort this letter thing out.” she stated herding her grandson out of the door closing it behind her. Amelia, stunned and shocked, just shook her head and went upstairs.

    Amelia pushed her mother's bedroom door open an started to tidy up, putting some laundry away and dusting with a cloth over the windowsill and a light wood coloured dresser. She took a look in the mirror and noticed herself, fixing that small fraction of hair that was out of place wiping the surface of the dresser as she knocked some things onto the floor. She cursed herself as she bent down picking a few photos and an old black case up. Laying herself down on her mother's bed she looked at the sepia coloured photos. Looking hard at the pictures that she had never seen before, she set the unopened case upon the bed. Amelia managed to recognise her 10 (or so) year old mother with an important looking man, with long hair an very tight looking eyes. He wore trousers and a top, the colour couldn't be made out, he was fairly tall at least. His eyes couldn't be seen. She looked all over the photo and noticed at the bottom right hand corner was some writing and a signature. Tracing the lines of the black pen, she couldn't make out the name but she could read the print writing on the white border.

    “Pewter Gym, Pewter City, Kanto”

    Amelia’s hand came up to her mouth as she put down that photo and took up the other two and looked at them side by side. The one on the left had a woman with long wavy white hair over one shoulder, and her hand on the shoulder of her 10 year old mother. This woman was so beautiful, Amelia found it hard to take herself away from the photograph as she looked at the one on the right. Her mother was in this one too, this time with a few extra people. A large man in a vest and camouflage trousers with his arms folded over his enormous chest while in the background a slender woman held a small blonde baby while wearing an apron. The first photo read as:

    “Cerulean Gym, Cerulean City, Kanto”

    While the second read:

    “Vermilion Gym, Vermilion City, Kanto”

    She squinted her eyes at the signature of the first photo, but couldn't make it out. If was fancy though, written like a high-lass celebrity. The second was written in block capitals:

    “GEN. J . SURGE”

    Something clicked in Amelia’s head and she thought, while looking out of the window in front of her and jumped off of the bed while looking at the woman and the baby. She put two and two together and she smiled knowingly. Picking up the first photograph again she looked over her mother tracing the figure with a few fingers until she came to a hand of her mother's. There was a black case. That could only mean that there were badges...real Pokémon Gym Badges inside that case. Her brain flurried like a trapped bird and dropped the photos on the bed as she picked up the case. Amelia had never known her mother to have done any journeying at all. It was the sort of thing she never even talked about, if she talked at all. Amelia slowly felt the case which was velvety, and blew on it gently to remove any dust. Her fingers carefully traced the lines of the hinges and slowly but surely began to open the case. Inside were three, very worn looking emblems, placed into indents inside the case. The first was a grey looking one shaped like a stone, the next one was a tear drop that had gone clear with age instead of blue and the last one was a many pointed star-shaped badge with an orange jewel in the centre. Amelia scanned those badges and then closed the case, getting up off of the bed, wondering why she never knew any of this. She made her way to the door placing the objects down onto a stool just at the bedroom door.

    The front door creaked open and a brawny looking man with a tan and farmer’s clothes came in and mopped his brow.

    “You in here A?” he asked the house.
    “Just coming dear!” came the swiftest of replies.

    Meanwhile...

    Just across town, with her grandson, Adelaide stormed up to professor Juniper's lab and stood at the door and knocked three times and opened the door.

    “Granny, you can't just go in, you y-you have to wait...” the young boy pleaded as he doubtfully followed his forward grandmother into a respectable laboratory.

    “Aurea won't mind Granny coming in. Will you dear?” the older woman addressed the Professor in mid-sentence with someone else. Professor Juniper who always had her hair up in a high ponytail which almost looked like a weird hair bun stopped talking to the youngster and just watched as Adelaide made her way over to her. The professor started talking to the girl she was in conversation with.

    “...it's okay if you want to go alone, many kids do these days and find others on the way.” the intellectual woman looked over at her two new guests. “Now that Edward is here we can get started...as the other one won't be coming today.”

    Edward and his grandmother made their way to the professor and stood just across from her and a table which had three red and white Pokéballs on it. Adelaide made her way round and put her arm round Professor Juniper's back and tried to get away.

    “Granny, what are you doing?” she cried out loud.

    “Having a private conversation with you dear.” she replied, trying to be quieter than usual.

    “I-I'm busy here Granny...can't this wait?”

    “It most certainly can not!” her hands were on her hips now, staring up at the Professor with a harsh intent.

    “What is it then?” she fidgeted looking at the older woman.

    “This 'letter' you sent out to the Eel?” she gestured towards her grandson and the young girl across from him laughed as the boy's face went red, wishing that his Granny would just be quiet and stop embarrassing him.

    “I send out letters to all children whom I cho...”

    “Don't you think letters are too formal for a family that you've known for years Aury?”

    “Granny don't call me that...”

    “I've known you since you were this high.” she exaggerated the height that Professor Juniper used to be. “You played with Amelia everyday and stayed long into the evening...” she reminded the Professor as if she had forgotten.

    “Granny...I have a duty now, things are different.”

    “Well I expect you to make an exception, young lady.”

    “I can't just go against rules Granny, you ought to realise that”

    “Rules, shmules...this is your Granny you're talkin' to Aury.”

    Aurea shook her head and looked down at the floor and back at Edward then back at Granny.

    “Okay...I'm sorry Granny. Is there anything else?”

    Adelaide hummed for a bit, making a tuneful sound, making a decision right there and then.

    “Yes dear...but we'll leave that 'til the youngsters pick who they're going with.”

    Professor Juniper turned round with Adelaide beside her and smiled at Edward whose face was still red from embarrassment, his pale face not blending well with the rosy red on his cheeks.

    “As you know Edward, today is the day you get to pick your starter Pokémon, before you go on your journey. Now that you are both here...”

    “Where's the other person?” Edward interjected looking around the laboratory.

    “...they were delayed and will be here within the next few days.” Juniper replied to his Granny-like interruption. Some people had no etiquette at all when it came to conversation, she thought. “Now shall we release the starters for you both to see who you will be travelling with?”

    Aurea picked up the first Pokéball and threw it up into the air, the ball opening when it reached the highest it was going to get with that throw. A blue and white swirl of energy, like water came out of the opened red and white sphere as the energy gathered on the floor and solidified into matter to become a small snake-like lizard with a short leaf collar and a three pronged leaf at the end of its tail. The energetic Pokémon stood facing the two children and called out emphatically,

    “Sniiiii-veeeee!” the small male Pokémon exclaimed to the room.

    After catching the ball she set it back down in the table and picked up the next one. From the ball's energy came a small otter-like creature of blue and white, with a small cream coloured shell in the light blue stomach. The Pokémon fluttered its eyelashes and rang out in feminine voice,

    “Wott-wott, Oshawott!”

    The final starter Pokémon came out of it's ball and tried to smile and fell over, getting back up again. The cute little pig Pokémon of orange and black with a little red orb on it's tail. It closed its eyes almost laughing at itself.

    “Te-pig!” it remarked gruffly.

    Edward stood by the one he had obviously chosen and Professor Juniper smiled down at his choice, the young girl with pigtails did the same until one was left. the small pig looked smiled hopefully, not really knowing what was going on. Professor Juniper frowned, not really sure what to say.

    “I've never seen any of these ones...are they new dear?” Adelaide asked the younger woman.

    “Granny...” the young boy retorted quite proudly. Gesturing towards the girl's choice. “That one is Snivy, a grass type.” he motion towards the obviously unwanted one. “That's Tepig, fire type. And this one here,” he picked up the female otter Pokémon and give her a hug to which she cuddled close and tickled him under his chin with her scalchop. “...he he he is Oshawott, water type.”

    “That's exactly what I was going to say Edward.” Juniper said and folded her arms turning to Adelaide. “Have you said your goodbyes yet?” she asked.

    “Yes we have dear,” she turned to her grandson and ruffled his thin black hair and smiled, “on your way Eel.” she pushed him lovingly, if there was such a thing, as Professor Juniper handed them both a Pokédex and smiled.

    “Have a good journey both of you...and keep in touch, good luck!”

    She turned to Adelaide and sat down on a light green sofa and motioned for the older woman to sit too. As Granny sat down the lonely Tepig sat up on the old woman's lap and cuddled into her lap and smiled, softly closing it's eyes.

    “I'd like to propose something to you Aury...” Adelaide started.

    “What is it this time?” Juniper sighed heavily.

    _______________________________________________


    That's the end of the first chapter. Next one to come within the next week or so. If you would like notified please let me know.
    Last edited by Mokoko; 27th May 2012 at 04:27 PM.
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  2. #2
    Fiery Dancer Laterna's Avatar
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    Default Granny Aid - Ch.001 Why The Letter? ~ Review

    This is my review of your first chapter. I'd like to say two things before you read:

    1) the grammatical, structural and spelling "errors" that I have highlighted are purely based on how I was taught during English and Creative Writing courses. It is entirely up to you whether you change them or not. However, I will keep highlighting these "errors" in future chapters unless you specifically ask me not to - just wanna be straight with you on that one.

    2) you have something incredible here - I know you have your insecurities about your writing and I can assure you that you have something that, in my opinion, a lot of people don't have - while there are a fair few "errors" that I have picked up on, you have done an incredible job with you characters and putting them across - it seems to come very natural to you.

    Now, onto the review:

    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Whoever thought that the life of a 62 year old farm-woman was dull, either didn't know all the things that kept her busy, or their name was Adelaide M. Farmer.
    Whoever thought that the life of a 62 year old farm woman was dull? Well, they either didn't know all the things that kept them busy or their name wasn't Adelaide M. Farmer.
    Sentence structure – started off asking a question but changed the type of sentence halfway through. Complicates the sentence. Also, I believe that “was” should be changed to “wasn't”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    However, she thought it was dull as,

    However, she thought it was as dull as,
    Grammar– missed an “as”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    At her well matured age she couldn't be bothered with another mundane task of dressing herself in fancy things, so she kept it simple, withher silver laden hair in a tight bun.

    At her well-matured age she couldn't be bothered with other mundane tasks, like dressing herself in fancy things. So, Adelaide liked to keep it simple: with her silver laden hair in a tight bun.
    Sentencestructure – again, complicated. Too many commas to break up thesentence when it would flow better to just break the sentence intotwo parts.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    flicked its tail into the fire

    Ouch.
    Maybe not “into”... maybe “towards”?


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Quiet you...” she hissed back, watching as the cat got up, flicked its tail into the fire, jumped off of it's cushion and patted itself down and turned to face away from it's owner.

    Quiet you...” she hissed back, watching as the cat got up. It flicked its tail towards the fire, jumped off its cushion and patted itself down. It then turned to face away from it's owner.
    Sentence structure – again, too many commas. The full stops help separate each character's motions as opposed to using commas which make it flow all as one action. The final sentence, which is very finite, having it divided by full stops makes it more finite in the structure.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    the same room asher mother.

    Missing a space between “as” and “her”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Oh sure I do dear, I tell him to get on with his school work and his chores around the house, that's good enough for any boy his age., and what I've had to do my whole life, mind.”

    Personally, I think this is too long for one sentence. It's not necessarily a structural error because it is speech, but in my opinion it reads too long for one to say. I think you could also use altered punctuations and a break to add on a little emphasis here, for example:


    Oh sure I do dear! I tell him to get on with his school work, his chores around the house and that's good enough for any boy his age...” the old woman paused and thought for a moment, reminiscing on her own childhood. “It's what I've had to do my whole life, mind.”


    However, it is up to you – as said, this one is just my own personal opinion. Regardless, you have an error in the sentence –just after “boy his age” you have both a full-stop and a comma.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    carried on without a resolve when the large farmhouse door

    I think this sentence would work better with “when” replaced with“until” - “when” reads as they happened in sychronicity, whereas as “until” would make it read that they carried on and then stopped when this second event happened.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Adelaide swiftly turned round again on her stool, and continued peeling more potatoes, picking up one from the large sac on the right and throwing it gently with a soft thud into the pot over the fire when she had finished peeling.

    I think this one could do with a bit of a shuffle. I know I'm being super picky but within this one sentence of have a generalised four-word account of her actions followed directly by a more detailed account of the same action. Obviously, she is peeling more than one potatoe but it is usually the longer that comes first and then the shorter. However, you could get away with it if you were to simply replace a comma with a full-stop instead:


    Adelaide swiftly turned round again on her stool and continued peeling more potatoes. She picked one up from the large sac on the right and threw it gently with a soft thud into the pot over the fire when shehad finished peeling.”


    This also allows for your tenses to stay together more fluidly –rather than going from “-ed” to “-ing” to “-ing”, you gofrom “-ed” to “-ed” to “-ed” (I am referring to the words “continued”, “picked” and “threw” - I know “threw”does not end in “-ed”, but you get the idea).


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    until her 10 year old son handed her a letter addressed to himself.

    “Until” denotes that she was talking until he handed her the letter, which suggests that she has interrupted by him. However, your segment of her speech contradicts this. I would either alter her speech to reflect the interruption or replace “until” with “when” (for example).


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    helooked p at her with his

    Oh look!! A stray “p”!! Also, missing a space between "he" and "looked".


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    and called a little but louder over

    I'm presuming that the “but” should be “bit” or possibly you've missed a word in that sentence somewhere? Depending on what you are trying to say.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    she may be said

    A wild “i” has appeared!


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    We'll see about that...” Adelaide comments

    Granny is getting a bit mixed up with her tenses - “comments” denotes present tense, but you've been writing in past tense, so it should be “commented”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Amelia patted his young son

    Sex change!! WOOHOO!!!


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    ran over to the fat can laying in her bed



    “Cat” instead of “can”. Also, you referred to the cat as “it” previously, would be better to remain consistent with genders.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    nuzzled his cheek as he can in close

    “Came” instead of “can”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    stopped petting. “wish me luck

    Need a capital letter after a full-stop.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    bagon her agéd shoulders

    The accent over the “e” doesn't need to be there.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    he headed to wards the door

    “Towards” is one word.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Amelia stunned and shocked, she just shook her head and went upstairs.

    You don't need to have “she” present after the comma as you have already referred to her.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Amelia managed to recognise her 10 (or so) year old grandmother

    Should that not simply be “mother” as opposed to “grandmother”?


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    as she put own that photo

    Missing a “d” for that “down”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Amelia has never known her mother

    “Had” instead of “has” in order to keep tenses in continuity.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    slowlyfelt the case with was velvety and blew

    “With was” should be altered depending on what it is you are trying to say here.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    the youngster an just watched

    Missing another “d” for your “and”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    The professor started talking to the girl she was in conversation with.

    I think you should replace “started” with “resumed” as she had already started talking to the trainer prior to Adelaide and“Eel” entering the lab.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    ather two news guests.

    You have an “s” in “new” that shouldn't be there.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    her hand were on her hips now

    There should be an “s” at the end of “hands”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    the young girl across from him laughed as the boy's face went red. Wishing that his Granny would just be quiet and stop embarrassing him.

    The full-stop between “red” and “Wishing” should actually be a comma in this case.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Don;t you think letter's are too formal

    The “;” in “Don't” should be a “'”. Also, there should be no “'” in “letters”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    rulesGranny,you ought

    Missing space after the comma.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Okay...I'm sorry Granny. As there anything else?”

    Missing space after “...” and your “As” should be an “is”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    for a bit,making a tuneful

    Missing space after the comma.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    her and smiles at Edward whose face was

    “Smiles” should be “smiled” to keep in with your tenses. Also, there should be a comma after “Edward”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    other person?” Edwards interjected

    The “s” at the end of “Edward” should not be there.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    conversation,s he thought “Now shall we

    A full-stop after “she thought” would help this sentence flow better – I know it's incredibly picky, but with no break between“she thought” and what she speaks, they bleed together a littlebit.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    small snake-like lizard with a small leaf collar and a three pronged leafat the end of its tail. The small Pokémon stood facing the two children and called out emphatically,

    Sniiiii-veeeee!”the small male Pokémon exclaimed to the room.

    Excessive use of the word “small” - try mixing it up with wordslike “tiny”, “little”, “mini”, or “short”. Depending on what mood you are trying to create for the Pokémon, you could try more descriptive terms like “humble”, “modest”, “runty”,etc.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Wott-wott,Oshawott!”

    Missing a space after the comma.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    Te-pig!”it remarked

    Missing a space after the ”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    The small big looked sad

    “Big” should be “pig”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    The small big looked sad and apprehensive at the save time, not really knowing what was going on. He smiled and Juniper frowned, not really sure what to say.

    For the pig to go from being sad and apprehensive to smiling soquickly seems like a bit of a jump. Maybe it would read better ifthe pig “smiled hopefully”?


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    That's Tepig , fire type.

    A stray space between “Tepig” and your comma.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    say Edward.”Juniper said and

    Missing space after your ”.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    herl ap and smiles, softly

    “Smiles” should be “smiled”.


    I apologise if you feel I am being too picky about grammatical, structural and spelling errors – I've merely highlighted what hasstuck out to me personally as being incorrect. Feel free to change them or not change them at your own discretion.


    Now, to discuss plot.


    You have done very well in establishing your characters – the two main ones, Adelaide and “Eel” are both very strong and obviouslythe main players so far, with Amelia clearly being a supporting character and the father being a guest star, if you will. You have also done a very good job of setting up the relationships between the principal family group, the pecking order is very clearly defined for the viewers even out-with the family home. This seems to come incredibly naturally to you and I am envious of that.


    I'd like to highlight a few sections that caught my interest from a plot and character point of view:


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    I thought Dad was gonna be about to say bye...”

    This part really struck me and I have to ask if it was intentional –with the exception of Ruby//Sapphire//Emerald, the main payer character's father is always a no-show. Even in the anime, very few main characters have a father figure (specifically I am referring to Ash and Dawn here). Is that the reason why you chose to have the father play a largely absent role throught this chapter?


    I really really loved the scene where Amelia finds out who her mother really is – looking through the old photographs. My favourite scene in the whole chapter as it was such a defining moment for all of the characters so far. Even though the getting of the letter, etc were real driving points for the plot and its motivations forward,this scene was the real driving point for character's motivations forward. In my opinion, this was a really crucial scene and played a huge role in both character devlopment and plot and it is really nice to see something so significant so early on in the story.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mokoko View Post
    It most certainly can not!” her hand were on her hips now, staring upat the Professor with a harsh intent.

    I really also loved this tiny little bit of significant character description - “staring up” - just redefining once again that the granny is this little short woman. I like seeing subtle add-ondescriptions like this that just re-emphasise the character.


    Also, another favourite part, was the cliff-hanger – Adelaide's proposition to Professor Juniper. I can read the glint in granny's eye through the text, how you've written it, it is very excellent. I had almost the same reaction as Professor Juniper did – this back-up and “what are you planning?” kind-of uncertainty. It's really cool that you were able to convey that sense right across within the first chapter. As said, you have done an excellent job in establishing your characters, who they are and how the user is meant to perceive them. Well done.


    Can't wait for Chapter Two – any clues as to the title, just to wet my whistle?
    Last edited by Laterna; 27th May 2012 at 11:30 AM.

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    Default Re: Granny Aid - Ch.001 Why The Letter? ~ Review

    Thanks for that Laterna, all of it, as long as it was! I appreciate the time that you took to notice all of my bad bad bad mistakes. Some were funny the way you commented on them like “a wild “i” has appeared.. it cracked me up.

    All of your criticisms have been taken into account and the chapter now changed as I realised you were right will most of it. Some of it I didn't agree with and so, as stubborn as I am, it didn't change.

    Thank you for your kinds words, I've tried so hard with this Fic and I hoped that this would come through. Thankful that it did, at least to someone. You are right. Just new Edward and Adelaide are the main pair, with Amelia and the father being supporting and a guest role respectively. It seems that watching my own family, having different grandparents, gaining new ones all went together into creating “Granny”. I remember being “Eel” at a number of points in my life. Amelia and the father are also based off of representations of a number of different real life people. I'm very glad that it came off an they came off that way. No need to be envious, I am sure everyone has their own talents that others can be envious of.

    Yes exactly why! The father was meant to be absent, having a likeness to those characters parents. There wasn't even a scene of acknowledgement with “Eel” waving to his father, or anything. Hard working man though, keeping the land together etc. But still there in spirit I suppose.

    This is also my favourite scene it moves them along, and might well help develop them in the future of the story. I can't tell you specifics but yes things like this scene might crop up again. The scene was needed, something pivotal to help spark interest. Was nice playing with the Pokémon history a little. Thank you again for your comments on this part.

    I can just see her with a bulldog-like face, similar to a Snubble or something staring up at Juniper with no fear at all. I know one Granny in real life that is very like that, well I've known a few and a few mothers that I drew on. Thanks again! It's all just down to experience and knowing these type of characters in real life that makes Adelaide so easy to write that you're thinking what Juniper is going to say in response to her before she says it.

    I may post the Title to Chapter 2 tomorrow, I might not. There is a working title, but nothing solid right now. Again thanks for your gracious input!
    Laterna likes this.
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