21st March 2013, 04:59 PM #1
Got bit, fever hit.
(( Just a short 'un, trying to get back into writing so I suppose this is a sample. ))
"Got bit, fever hit, world's gone to shit, might as well quit."
Those words kept playing in David Parker's head as he sat with his back to a wall, facing a barricaded door, loud banging noise on the door. Those words haunted him day and night. The words spoken to him by his good friend Christopher, but that was when he last saw him. He has had no contact from his fellow teammates, he was left alone. He kept listening on his radio in desperate hope for any sort of communication. It was like, 2 or 3 months since he had been surviving on his own. He was in deep shit at times, such as having to put down his own wife after he found her "dead" in their house, fuck. Ever since the outbreak happened shit hasn't been going well for this guy. His military experience got him out of some situations, but he felt lonely. He couldn't cope with being alone, he depended on his fellow teammates to get him out of situations like this.
The banging noises got louder, David held his weapon whilst still sitting down. He didn't want to move from his enclosed little space. He knew this was the end, no escape. He, himself didn't want to live any longer. Sometimes he want's to just put the trigger and finish it, get out of the shithole of an earth he lives and survives every day in. Is it really worth it? Is it worth living anymore when you don't know what could happen next? Survivors coming out of nowhere and attacking you, stealing your supplies, killing you. What's worse than survivors are those.. things that now inhabit the planet, Christopher called the things "nasty little buggers." Which was what they were, they had no feelings or no remorse, all they do is eat and eat and what they don't eat comes back as one of THEM.
The barricade was going to break, you could hear it. David, checked the ammo in his pistol. He had very little ammo left, most of his weapons were stolen by other people or taken by the rest of his team before they left to get some more supplies, they had left David in charge. They never returned, they are most likely dead by now.
It was time, the barricade was smashed and they got in, David fired his weapon, which had only caused more of them to come in. He killed a few, but it was over for him. One got him in the arm, the bite carries the virus, which kills you over a small period of time. He's fucked, there's no escaping. He managed to shoot the one that got him, but had run out of ammo. Now he can't even kill himself in an emergency. The walkers got him, taking the final member of the group, himself.
"Got bit, fever hit, world's gone to shit.. might as well quit."
21st March 2013, 08:34 PM #2
◓Gypsy Vanner Horse
Re: Got bit, fever hit.
Hi, congratulations on getting back into writing!
First of all, I couldn't spot any grammar or spelling mistakes, so good job on that. The only issue I took with this is that the narrative didn't even seem to know what it wanted to convey at times. Sometimes, the narrative of the story was trying to put you in the situation with David, sometimes, it was as if David was talking, and sometimes, it was addressing the readers. It did take me out of the story, so that might be the only thing that needs work.
Aside from that, as I've said before, couldn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes. It was an enjoyable read, if a bit short, and generally, the story could be continued, if you intend it to continue. For some reason, I jumped to the conclusion that David's group abandoned him, so following them and reading about their reasoning for abandoning David might be enjoyable. Anyway, good job.